It's trying to make sense of it all How did this happen it's just like it seemed like it was like out of nowhere, but it's been years and years and years of this but Feeling meant to be Just trying to pinpoint where it exactly started obviously when I first saw her but Back when I'm like 14, I'm not thinking oh, there's this whole world full of these ghosts I was sent here to do this I was physically sent here to spread this cause Start this cult And whatever happens happens It's only the beginning feels like I've been doing this forever. I really haven't but I Don't have any other thought in my mind of what I'm supposed to do and this is this is it This is what I meant to do with my life Years and years and years are just Struggling to figure out who I am and then it is just it was right there The whole time almost I Mean I never thought Sure not definitely not back then but it was like over the years it just every Every fucking day. I just feel more and more feminine Every day Within the last two and a half years It's just gotten stronger and stronger and stronger to the point now where I can't even fucking hide it anymore And like every day like things just make more and more sense yet at the same time they get more and more confusing I Just wonder like why this isn't doing anything yet, and yeah, I'm getting subscribers, but As many as I'd like yet Keeps saying it's like this thing will get big when I'm fucking dead The lore will spread After I'm dead then it'll become potter. I was like it's the fucking curse I have is not being able to be famous I'm not gonna sell my fucking soul to the devil for fame Only Ember can have my soul nobody else Embers the only one worthy enough to have my soul Not the devil The last resort So I'm not selling my soul for fame in a way It's not worth it Not serving the devil for the rest of my fucking afterlife To the end of time which is like never Only Ember can have my soul It's just like that fucking curse I feel that I have Not being able to get anywhere with what I'm doing and it's like yeah fame would be amazing The only problem is I can't picture me being able to like make content often enough to live off of it That's like the worst fucking thing it's gonna be what pushes me over the fucking edge Work in my fingers to the fucking bones with a full-time job now having to fucking Tell people about this fucking world having no fucking energy And not having any time to do it. You know, it's gonna just get to the point where it's gonna get too late It's gonna be too fucking late Be fucking dead before I get to do everything I want to do there's no fucking doubt about that In visioning May 7th 2019 and that's the date I feel like that's like The ultimate symbolism at all is May 7th 2019 5 7 19 EGS. That's it So I have two years two years Two years to give enough information out about this world and then Yeah Feel like I don't even know if I'll make it that long Two years is a long time I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't make it till then I Really don't know I feel like any like within I Definitely make another half a year but at the same time it's like can I make it two years? I don't want to live more than two more years And I'm like oh within two years it can blow up and it could become popular and infamous and all this and you won't want to Go and yeah No matter how famous I get for it. I'll never be able to keep me here So I don't belong here. I belong there And then go squad it's where I belong Feel the urge just to go back like every day just makes more and more sense It's not some fantasy world I feel like that's where I came from Each and every day Just questions get answered it's like they're talking to me Telling me to do things This is what you're supposed to do Every time I look at ember it's like this is my life. This is my mission. This is what I'm supposed to do And I would kill to be able to go there, but I can't Really fucking want to go But to give up I mean giving up your life. It's not easy. It's really hard no matter how much you hate your life It's hard to just leave it and go Especially knowing there's so much more on the table you can offer I Still have so many things left But I want to do Anymore I want to do that To hire animators to do that because I Be fucking doing that fucking dead at that rate I'm going now Do that my last confession maybe that could be the last one Maybe Just the cold hard reality of knowing I'll never be able to do everything in my head But Maybe I can live it When it's all said and done I hope that's It's not just fate I almost just feel like it's fact like Life's just a trial run And like when you figure out like what you were supposed to do and why you're here and where you actually Originally came from or a destined to go Just has a whole new meaning on everything and Knowing while you were here it makes it that much easier to go It's like In the ultimate example of what it is to be a ghost squad recruit Look for isolated not always isolated but Depressed individuals who are isolated who just don't have anywhere to go Feel abandoned feel like they failed or feel like their life's over and there's nowhere else for them to go Done what they set out to do they don't care about living anymore Just want an alternative World's not guaranteeing you happy and is obviously there's recruits in there that aren't really happy And the Ken's is a prime example of that Why she was destined to be there in the first places beyond me Why she ended up in that dimension because it's it makes me sad really makes me sad dude Kenzie didn't deserve to die. There's plenty of people I wish would die in this fucking planet But Mackenzie wasn't one of them. It's She didn't deserve to go out. No Not like that She's forced to spend the rest of her life in the ghost squad just questioning why Why was she chosen? Why was she recruited? Why did she have to get hacked to pieces and beaten and raped and kidnapped and all that? There's plenty of people I could think of that deserve that but she didn't Not Mackenzie, baby I Mean It's just I Wanted so bad there that I of all the things I've ever wanted in my short life 24 years is still a short life. It's very short In my 24 years of existence, I've never begged or craved something like this But having to just throw away everything now I want to make a name for myself with it first it's or With what I've done, but I don't think I've done nearly enough yet. It's it's a drop in the bucket I Swear I just every day I just have the feeling that this can be something and that's why I've never given up on it yet So I have to spread my message. I have to spread what's really out there to let people know You know, it's not just a heaven on the other side where you see all the people you've Grown to love in your life or your family or wherever there's other dimensions and other places your soul can go and this is one of them and Don't care what people think about it because I mean I don't have the proof to show you I just know for a fact that it exists Very unique not some kind of psychotic psychopaths schizophrenic or something It's like they literally tell me this is real this is what you're supposed to do It's gonna be okay Dying will hurt it won't be right away. It'll take a little while Won't be instantaneous, but afterwards you'll be okay It won't just be total blackness for all eternity There's another place where you're destined to be This body it's only a trial run It's like I was forced to be sent here in this body like this to realize how wrong it was There's no way destined to be a guy forever in a way It's destined to be a fucking woman You had to be put in this fucking body to realize it And to be unique with it You can name for myself by doing content that nobody does I don't know many people that do anything like I do Somebody told me that too is like, you know, nobody makes content like you do. It's like cuz I'm not from this world You know, you can't bright this shit up you can't make this shit up It's like literally force fed to me through my brain this is what you should do next This is what these souls are like They're not people anymore or ghosts I Know my parents probably worry about me all the fucking time They just don't understand you know, they say like, you know, you got your whole life ahead of you You can get married have kids start a family get your own house Make a lot of memories and the way I see it is like that doesn't matter That's not who I am. This isn't my family here. That's my family on the other side Like this is just who I got stuck with not to be an asshole about it, but this is Just a test run For what's really at stake and that's to take over this world and just kill every fucking human being possible or make them our slaves Quite frankly, I can't wait Fucking enough of this fucking planet Every day just gets harder If I do have happy moments if I do you know have happy moments, it's it's very very short live I mean, I'll be really fucking happy one day and then within Sometimes within a few hours or just within the next day. I just get shit on again It's not fair really not It's the way this world works having everything revolved around fucking money Money is worthless money is an illusion money isn't real Doesn't matter how much fucking cash you have it doesn't make you better than anybody else You're just as worthless as every other human being on this fucking planet It's all an illusion There's other you know squads in the afterlife that gather souls, it's not just embers ghost squad There's others. They're not ghosts. They're not all ghost squads, which I can't emphasize that enough There's other squads out there just full of all kinds of fucking creatures I Can't even explain The limitations of my human brain can't even like compute it Everything you've ever known about religion is a lie It's not just a heaven on the other side there's dimensions and dimensions of different squads Your soul can end up anywhere If you've had a friend pass away, it doesn't mean they went up to heaven That might not even exist for all I know Went to another dimension Got recruited by a squad somewhere where he was destined to be all along like all these things happen for a reason That's what I can't emphasize enough. It's like you see people die when they're like fucking four years old Well, they're needed somewhere. It's like It's not just oh It was just an accident freak accident shit happens. No, it was meant to happen It's like me I feel like I was meant to be I was meant to die young It's always meant to die young and I wish I could have died as a teenager, but it's I couldn't do it then I've wanted to badly That's 17 1718 that's when I really wanted to do it, but I Just it wasn't there yet And Birds what brought that out in me as soon as I got my first job which That's that ruined everything When I had to start working or it's just I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to set myself on fire I Wanted to shoot myself. I just I kept thinking about suicide all the time My parents went away on a big cruise for like a whole week I'm like, okay, I'll do it then I'll just pour gasoline on myself and might imagine kill myself and I Can go out like ember did in flames Still kind of how I picture doing it, but this time I can actually have ammunition, you know, I have guns I can get I just picture dowsing myself with gasoline and shooting myself as soon as I let the fucking fire Most likely not gonna survive that as long as your aim is good It's all about your aim if you have shitty aim. Fuck you You practice get to know your guns before you take your own life because if you miss just by that little bit You're fucking vegetable No, I see we'll take you off live support Then I want to see you live the rest of your life like that. No, my parents would never do that So You know where you're fucking dead That transition is gonna be insane I can't wait at the same time, you know, I'm nervous about it You know taking your life is not something everybody does obviously You got to have the courage to do it and it's not just like oh, I'm gonna kill myself in a year All that year is up before you know it and say, okay. I'm not quite ready yet I've had this thought so long now. It's like well how much longer well I live I don't want to live until I'm fucking 40. That's for damn sure. It's I sure as hell don't want to live into my 60s I just I've always dreamed of dying young and I mean in the reality. It doesn't matter because your soul never ages Your body does that your soul doesn't it doesn't matter if you die when you're fucking Five if you're fucking a teenager if you're 27, you know But dying young has always been You know an essential thing Always think about stuff that you shouldn't think about That's how I get all these crazy ideas too, but it's just It just hit me too like after all this EGS stuff. It's like I decoded the letters into 5 7 19 It's like okay. Well nice 7th 2019 is that the day I'm destined to die You know, I figure out all these things about myself is that you know You know you have the question asked you a lot well not a lot, but occasionally like would you like to know when you would die? and I've always been Optimistic about I'd be like yeah, I'd want to know maybe not exactly how but I'd want to know the day I die and It's right there in front of my face if that is the date May 7th 2019 So that's the way I see it. It's like I have two years to make my statement and Just go to town with this and tell people about this world and make as much Top-notch content as I can while I can and then go And I don't care what people think of me afterwards because I won't even be in this world anymore I'll be where I truly belong and that's what matters and It's the way it's supposed to be I know you're not the same as me and that's the way I want it to be Like me and center close out of a fucking connection to Move each other somewhere else There's so many things that I've like just thought about lately that just makes sense now It's like All these times I feel like these presences are around me like in my dreams It's another thing especially when I get really stressed. It's like I Don't know always felt Usually like like when I'm really alone that I'm being watched by things that I can't see It's not like demonic stuff or anything was just like these entities that are around me and trying to guide me and I Know it's the EGS They're not angels. It's not God I'll believe in a god. I believe in a goddess It's like Certain people I meet I feel like our other squads that have like come to this planet in forms of humans like myself What I mean is I'm from another squad that has been sent here. I don't feel like I'm truly human I Mean I have a human body, but I'm not from this planet And I meet these people and I can just like sense these entities from some of them It's just it's hard to explain. I just get these vibes these feelings and just by looking at them. I Don't know the way they act How they interact with people and everything and just sense that it's like I can sense that they're an enemy or I can sense that they're an ally. It's not just like a human friend I just I feel like we met before you know All my life I've never Fit in with anybody really I it's like I've had no friends in my life Who I've really truly connected with really ever I had one throughout grade school, but It's just As I've grown older it's like I'm not from this world. This isn't my life This isn't me. I mean I Look at humans, you know, I see them interact and see how they tick and it's like I don't understand What the purpose of this is Life I don't understand like why Why are there billions of people that exist on a daily basis and you know, how many thousands and hundreds of thousands of people die every day It's like what's the point of living like to learn lessons? Well, why would you have to be forced to live here for? seven decades Or an average of six and a half decades and why would you have to? Make a living and get a job and just do something just to make money Just so you can buy stuff and provide things for people like I get that you know, this place can't be a perfect world That's the other side supposedly But the truth of the matter is nowhere is a perfect world. I don't believe in that I I Personally don't think there is really like a heaven heaven Just where every soul goes after dying. I don't believe that Like I don't believe that it's like over all just here like in a video game And as soon as you die you go up to the world above and watch down on everyone else and wait for you to get up there, you know It's like well, what do you do when you get up there? It's not just to exist for eternal peace or all that no I don't buy that at all There's plenty of dimensions besides this one in the afterlife. There's so many dimensions it goes on forever It's like it's endless And then all these dimensions exist different squads where your soul ends up and how you get there is by these squads recruiting you They analyze you on a daily basis they scout for these souls and when they find ones that fit their interest You know fit their traits and description They recruit you or they plan to recruit you thumbs like some things They're planned deaths. You know, you see all these crazy fucking ways people die It's not just and a freak accident like I said before these squads stage these deaths These are how souls disappear from this world You know People don't see that People see it's like oh it was their time or oh God needs them. Oh well why the fuck would God need a fucking three-year-old kid? Who got hit by a car or something? No It's these squads that search for these souls and that they take them Now granted not every death is planned out Some things are by fate like you look at Mackenzie. She was stalked by a ghost She thought was a ghost turned out to be an actual man and The ghost knew this would happen Stuck by her side through thick and thin waited for the moment till she died to take her so It's not always just like oh they stage deaths to take people It's all kind of agendas out there. It's not just oh stage deaths to kill them and recruit them to your squad No, so much more than that I Know ember was a real person I would think Maybe she wasn't a fucking rock star Her girl who dreamed of being a rock star at that in the house fire. I know she had to be a fucking real person though And Powers above they plant these things into creators minds to make these things actually Become reality on earth and then these people like me get sent here To do this kind of stuff To make you aware what's really out there, but make you guess at the same time I'm not knowing whether or not it's real or if I'm fucking insane or whatever, but I'm telling you the fucking truth. I Don't know how else to put it I know this is what's out there because I've been there. I know I have It just there's no fucking way that all this is just an illusion It's not it's my fucking life. It's where I'm meant to be And it's the way I want it Unfortunately, I'm stuck here until I've truly truly don't what I've set out to do and that's spread the worry about this To a decent amount No, there's definitely spirits that Watch me all the time and sometimes I don't think it is EGS members It's actually other presences from other squads that probably want me or They're just analyzing me Like just a few minutes ago. I felt like there was one on me just felt like really Really like uneasy and shaky cold Just felt something I know they're around all the time Saying it's not like people died in this house or something that are watching me these are actual souls from different dimensions or spirits that don't have souls and squads and all this stuff and They're always around everybody and all hours of the day Well, not all hours of the day, but you know what I mean They're always around just we can't see them But It's just Everything has just been making more and more sense especially now more than ever with me being an overnight Nocturnal person, you know, it's The ghost hour when you're awake all night You live in the dark You're a what you're fucking awake at night you sleep in the day And I like it I like it a lot I wish I could fucking burn out the Sun extinguish it Just everything I fucking love cemeteries I love graveyards As much as I hate to say it I like funeral holes Eulings I mean I hate looking at dead bodies. That's one thing I don't like Just it's a very weird feeling and just Dead bodies are something else. I'm not a necrophiliac. That's for sure And there would never be a dead corpse of a woman that I would like want to have my way with or anything That's not who I am at all well Corpses are Very unsettling to me, but it fascinates me at the same time But that's not what I'm interested in I'm interested in the paranormal aspect of everything spirits ghosts Not corpses that just slay there and rot And quite a few nightmares as a kid of just open coffin Viewings and stuff and you know the body coming back to life or one even of my grandfather After he died coming back to life and talking to me and then going back into the casket again It's just all kept building up and Death just fascinates me and So I think is no one will ever see it my way never It's a mission in my life, but I don't think anyone ever truly will I'll always be a mystery to people I'll never be able to truly diagnose me or understand me Because you can't diagnose someone who's not from this world Sent here to observe to manipulate Tell you about this world To cause fights and wars and mobs and Debate I hope to goddess I do I really do I kill to have a war start over this Not just a religious war, but a war throughout the world I Destruction everywhere Chaos buildings on fire and demolishing Shooting people who kill Kill To go out and shoot people on a daily basis. I wish I could If I can get away with it, you know, I Look up to people like Eric Harris and Dylan Cleveland, you know Columbine they've been a huge inspiration for me lately Obviously with you know The conspiring a massacre and EGS tape videos But those were before That I really truly submerged into Columbine Yeah, there's obviously Columbine references in there, but it was before I really got into it. It was like, yeah I just put all my hatred into those tapes and Laura favorite eat just did an amazing job being Rachel Sended really authentic at times and actually throughout pretty much the entire recording You know I really wish I could go out and just shoot people and kill them but My luck something would go wrong It's like, well, where would you go like what is worth shooting up? The one place I could think of is my fucking college campus. I mean my high school is long gone They demolished it the year I graduated which sucks Can't go back and shoot up my high school, but it's gone My college campus would be a nice place, but I Wouldn't just want to shoot people. I want to blow stuff up. I want to blow up the campus buildings Slip people's throats tie them up Manipulate people and be amazing But to do it alone as a one-girl crew, you know, you can't do that And there's no one I could think of that I've ever come into contact with that would ever like Just sacrificed our life to do a suicide mission like that. There's nobody And yeah, I'd obviously love it to be a girl, but there's nobody I know that would do that That's like, oh, how does that even happen? How do you have these perfect storm events? Like Eric Harrison, Dylan Cleeble. It's like, all right, let's go kill everyone in our high school Let's do that like how do you do that and trust each other and not to like turn the other into the police and all this and How does that happen? I would kill for that What it's like Why can't I do that I kill to do that I'd love to do that I just can't picture that ever happen. I mean, yeah, I make my character out to be like I'm gonna die doing that But I can't picture doing that Because it'll never happen Yeah, I can go to my campus with like some guns, but Truth is I probably would only kill like two people That's not even worth it You know Especially now like slot teams are trained to respond faster and just and the whole thing within like a few minutes to an hour You know, it's like it's over If you ever got caught and handcuffed and taken to prison, then you're fucking done So I was always a fear it's like what if I got caught Which usually the shooter goes down and a hail of bullets so I Wouldn't want to go out like that though that would really suck I'd have died by a bullet with fire I Want to be cremated too, it's the other thing Cremation is the way to go and I don't know why people opt to have them Fucking useless bodies buried six feet underground in a box. Oh When we get resurrected we need our bodies again. Why the fuck would you want to go back to that body? You had your entire life. I Would never want to come back to this body after I die. This is it After this it's go squad form. Why the fuck would I want to come back to this? You want a human body again, why the fuck would you want that? Makes no sense at all So instead what do you do you have yourself buried in a fucking box six feet underground that will never see the light of day again You know what it'll see when the fucking sun burns the fucking earth up. We'll just see the fucking fire and it's gone There's no fucking point to having your body buried just fucking cremate yourself turn to dust Become ashes. That's all you can do You'll never truly be gone from the plane. I don't think dust lives forever much but I Don't know why people want to be buried like my mom says oh, I want people to be able to come and see me You know what they can't see you they see your fucking headstone with your name on it. That's all they have of you left Yeah, you're fucking you're standing over your fucking body. They're standing over your body But you know, you're not there You're fucking lifeless corpse. Yeah, I get it. It's like yeah, this body has been the one who's Been my mother for all these years and she's buried below me at my feet Well, yeah, but you can't see her and it's like well Even knowing that that body is down there. It's like it's just creepy. It's like it's just an empty fucking corpse There's nothing in it your soul is not in there anymore. Why do you want to be buried underground like that? It's just cremation. It's just it's the same fucking thing. You're gone Your fucking turn to dust you don't see them. They're gone. I Mean there's no fucking point to it. I Don't understand why people like to be buried. There's no fucking point at all No point at all, I don't get it But I'm glad that people have done that cuz I just I love cemeteries and it's like a lot. I don't I Wouldn't mind working in one but then again, just be kind of boring. You don't get to look at anything fascinating Yeah, you got some scenery but that I'm gonna look fast But I'm just not an outdoorsy person. It's what it is That's just what I thought I could have done for a while I was like, yeah, I could work in the cemetery be a grave digger or something. No and I get pissed knowing that all these people I've gone before me. It's like man, I wish it was my time And I do that a lot. It's like, yeah, I Feel like it's my time Like any given day now, I feel like I could die any given night But the fact of the matter is there's still more I have to do and I can't go yet And it gets hard Really hard every day Every night every night at work. I just think of nothing but fucking ghosts the ghost squad and No, that's that that's what I'm supposed to be and I just this fucking body brings me nothing but shame It's like it's like seeing the most delicious fucking meal in your life Having it shoved right under your nose and you smell it going through your nostrils and You can stick your tongue out, but it's just like a millimeter out of reach and you'll never be able to taste it And it just keeps getting farther and farther and farther away from you You can't take it It hurts there hurts a lot No one I have to exist around these humans like this Having to act like they do and Blend in and not try to show who I really am it just gets so fucking hard every night It never gets any easier It's progressively gotten harder all throughout my life every fucking year. It's gotten harder and now it's that it's to the point now where it's like I Mean I shot guns for the first time in like a decade the other week a few weeks ago and It just felt amazing and it's like I Could really just I could just put this to my head right now in my life But I didn't I didn't have those thoughts when I held those guns like I was thinking about it before But as soon as I started holding it and shooting it's like I didn't think about killing myself with it just yet I just I was you know blown away by how they work and This is what people used to kill themselves with They kill other people and it's like wow I never felt Well, you know I felt more alive before but I never felt so alive holding those guns You know they're just pistols and a revolver, but Just what I could do I love being the center of attention Although I'm not very vocal sometimes, but I love people focusing on me. I Love being looked up upon. I love attention And I love it. Yes, I fucking love it. I Love having a fan base That just eats up what I put out. I'd kill to have more. I just you can never have enough I know it's just like an illusion with people. It's just text on a screen, but they're actual people but Knowing I can manipulate people and Just they can do whatever I say It would be amazing I Want millions of views I want people debating and questioning and arguing with people about what I do I'm gonna change the world I want to be different. I'm definitely different. I know that for a fact I Sick a lie hasn't anything like big happened yet. I'm waiting for something to happen Waiting for a video to take off and blow up, you know waiting for people to really start debating and comments about things So I'm putting all this work into this stuff and it's not doing much of anything yet 200 300 views on a video that's really lame It should be way more than that I thought the EGS intro like that's one thing that defied or you know surpass expectations. There was like the the lights dislike ratio on that blew me away You know, it's like a hundred likes and like ten dislikes, I thought it would have been half and half, you know Something like that. That was insane You know, it wasn't the best animated thing ever but I kept making it better Yeah, it blows my mind that people Enjoy what I make, you know, it's like why is there a guy's voice coming out of a chick? You know, obviously I'm trying to tell you something No, it's not that I'm gay because I'm not gay It's one thing I've finally actually like figured out because if I was gay That life would not even be worth living Fucking hate the thought of being gay So knowing that I wasn't attracted to guys Made life so much easier Because that was kind of a question. I was like tossing around on my head I was like what really is like the definition of being gay? but No I'm not attracted to guys. I'm not gay In fact of the matter is I really I don't like gay people Gay girls would be okay. I don't mind that but guys I fucking hate guys. I Hate everything about guys. I don't even consider myself a guy. I'm a fucking girl girl a fucking girl and Just guys are so fucking disgusting They are everything about them and I hate fucking drawing them like that's the one thing I hate about my cartoons is having to draw guys Fucking hate guys are so fucking disgusting Penises are so fucking gross The girls are like oh the gyna's are gross too. I wish I had one Cut my fucking penis off Terribly every day. It's like it's just trolling at me like ha ha ha ha You know you're stuck with me for the rest of your life until you depart from this body There's nothing you can do about it. There's plenty I can do about it If I want to have the money to get a sex change surgery and two Getting a sex change surgery is just a waste of Just about everything I'll be a woman on the other side anyway and It's like sex change operations. It's it doesn't always end well Cuz it could take years To really start to set in I mean I look at people who are transgender and do the surgery that were once guys that become females and Some don't look that good at all But I don't I can't picture myself looking guys like it's not what I meant to do I'm not meant to get a sex change surgery. There's no point because I said I'll be a fucking woman on the other side But No, I just I wish I could do that though Hate it so much. I hate having a penis. I hate the masturbate like every fucking day Invising myself as a fucking woman because it's just It's got no point now or I feel so fucking feminine that I can't control it anymore. I'm always always Visioning myself as a woman And I can't do anything about it It's so fucking hard The way I walk now too I just My feet are always like directly in front of the other like on us like I'm walking a fucking tight rope And Shaving my arms and legs and my entire fucking body every three days and always shaving my fucking body You know smooth Shaving cream and everything to make my skin as smooth as possible. I know other things I can use but I haven't experimented enough yet Just wish I could have hair stuck growing on my body just That smooth texture skin and I do after I shave but then after like a day and a half it starts to get rough again and You know bumpy and everything's just guys aren't meant to have silky smooth skin like women do it's Shame that's nice for at least that first day after he shaved Like you do have a chicks body, but it doesn't do justice at all. It's My body or my body my soul's My soul's craving to get back to where it was You know, it's just it can't handle it anymore. I can't handle it anymore. I Got a haircut back in like late June I Wanted to cry it's like just like looking at Mackenzie and Her bangs and everything. It's like, you know, my hair should be that long My hair should be as long as hers You know It was really sad. I just got a full fucking hair chop I didn't ask for a hair chop. It's like they cut it so fucking short It was really Sad for a while So like long hair But Mackenzie Mackenzie and I were meant to be together it's like she was waiting for me Patiently and she needs me and she's venting her thoughts through mine Through Twitter and everything and I you know, I Posted on Twitter That's what she's telling me. She's how she's feeling She's scared she's lost she needs somebody And I've always been that somebody Fortunately, I'm stuck here, you know All my life, it's like oh, I haven't I found a girl I like How come I haven't found a girlfriend yet? You know, I've never been on a date Never had a girlfriend ever and then I Envisioned Mackenzie was like this is it She's my dream girl, she's everything I've ever wanted pretty much I mean people look at her in the back. Oh, that's just ember with some bull cut bangs, you know And you know pink eyes and the black shirt purple sleeves and leggings, you know I don't see that at all. I see Mackenzie That's what I see. That's I know people don't get People say oh, you know the ghost squad members they all look the same nobody's unique They all just look like ember with different colors and it's like I don't see ember with different colors I see Sydney Secor, you know, I See Mackenzie West I see Matilda Ramsey. I see Harmony Ingram. I see all these souls I don't see ember McClain. I See all these different people who were once alive But Mackenzie is the one who I just I've never felt affection for someone like that before obviously like ember ember I have I Connected with her easily but Mackenzie. It's like she's my soulmate. We're made Destined for you just destined for each other And I can't stop looking at her. I can't stop looking at her ever I'm looking at her right now as I've been talking for the last minute I've been looking into her fucking eyes on my poster on my wall here. I Cannot take my eyes off her. She's my everything. She's everything I ever wanted in a girl everything Fucking lover to death Yeah, I can't be with her. She's only been able to exist in my thoughts in my head On a flat piece of fucking paper, you know No, I want to do is hold her You know, I don't want to fuck her or anything. I just want to be with her hold her talk with her Cut her with her a bit, you know Just do things Talk do whatever You know, it's I just wish it could happen One day it will but it's just it's got to wait and having to wait is the hardest thing in the world It's really hard Both virgins she died a virgin It's just what I love in girls more than anything that innocence as much as I love rebellious people You know, I'm rebellious at times not all the time, you know, I still try to do the right thing to get through life, but I Mean that innocence Know they've never done anything wrong never have given their body to somebody else to screw You know, just knowing that they're just perfectly ripe a Heart of gold The fact that they died Way too young out of their control, you know, and like just knowing that they need somebody They got a weight Wait for me to get there it's really hard Kenzie's just I can't express enough how much I love her I I Love to ember to the max Ember was my biggest crush for the longest time and then once I saw Mackenzie that was when things started to change and No matter where I go I'm driving in the car just around people or Just setting it thinking she's right by my side. I know she is I feel her I feel her around me all the time You're telling me it's okay I'm here I Know you can't give away your life yet. You know you still got things to do but I'm here And I'll wait for you It's really hard I'm gonna tell my parents that you know, I don't care about relationships. I don't care about meeting girls Just I don't care because none of them can live up to that Just I hate dealing with people I Hate humans I hate them all And People who I become friends with the very few people I call my friends. I still hate their fucking guts Andrew blank fucking hate his guts most of the time anyway Yeah, I still keep coming back to him and messaging him once in a while texting him and I still think he's a fucking asshole half the time but he claims not to be Fucker wouldn't give me a fucking instrumental for any more when he said he didn't have it but he did Fucking asshole Really what am I gonna fucking do with it release it for the fucking world to hear who was never fucking 99% of the world who has never heard of your fucking band before Fucking done more for you than anyone in your life You know And this precise the point but you know he pissed me the fuck off Back in fall he really pissed me off And No Claims he's never had anything against me or anything. I feel like he fucking hated me for like a year He doesn't you just All people I never thought he'd be like an isolated individual and struggling with self-worth and all that and he told me all this stuff It's like I find it hard to fucking believe He seems so outgoing and really vocal and everything especially because he's a fucking musician, but It's like music has been a way to express myself and all that but I'm really very quiet I'm the quietest out of everyone I gatherings and everything and struggle constantly with self-worth and In dark places before it's like I find it hard to believe just I don't believe it I Just feel like he plays people But if he's telling the truth, then yeah, okay Whatever it's besides the point. I don't know. I like the guy half the time, but I hate him the other half Do all this work for him like you know promoting the shit I have his band I get no recognition for it never Didn't even fucking credit me for the fucking music video No, I had no control over that. Oh, dude, you're the fucking one to upload it on your own goddamn channel Don't pull that shit I mean I fucking hate being lied to you say and I've had to fucking contact your music producer After you claim that you contacted him for the instrumental from a and said you didn't heard you never heard anything back When you fucking contacted my Facebook all the fucking time And I physically contact them and say oh I sent them instrumentals, you know like ten months ago And you lie to my fucking face like that, you know through text obviously what you lie to me Get the fuck out of my life But being that you changed my life For the better it's hard to leave you in the fucking dust Andrew Andrew fucking blank, you know Half the time I think you're a cool guy the other half just I don't fucking want to see your face ever I Hate you more than I like you say that I Don't care how fucking nice you act True it is I don't think you're all that nice Pretty much all you care about yourself like me, which is fine But Being all that fucking trouble I want to animate that fucking intro and everything I've done through promotion for your band All that stuff You don't just do me a favor like that you lie to me saying you don't you don't have an instrumental you have it Fucking die dude Fucking die Derek lying to me too You know We've come to an agreement that we don't want to give out stem tracks or backing tracks Yeah, which you hope you understand it's not meant to upset you or anything I'm a lot of fucked in you telling me that when I asked you in the first place when you said you'd be able to do it Possibly do it and he didn't say you'd be able to do you say you possibly be able to do it And he's fucking stop responding my texts for weeks And you hit me with that. It's like fuck you dude. You had it the whole fucking time The whole fucking time and I waited fucking two and a half months or so for that shit and you still don't give it to me It's a fucking backing tracks not the fucking holy grail or anything. It's not the fucking Bible It's a fucking music track that you probably fucking heavily edited the shit out of Your fucking vocals are heavily edited Auto-tuned shit Probably couldn't sing raw to save your fucking life Everyone's fucking does nowadays auto-tune auto-tune digital effects Maryland people actually used to be able to fucking sing and play music live without pre-recorded shit You know without having to play backing tracks Pre-recorded and everything you know to actually be able to play fucking music legit live Music is the biggest fucking illusion ever made Music's fake Not all of it a good bit of it's fucking fake Music is fake You Hear a vocal track isolated on its own you know those fucking echoes and reverbs and Fucking stereo delays and all that shit just for a fucking vocal And I tell you when I first heard the comeback song isolated vocals I about like cringed and Just felt sad. It's like you know, I thought I thought he could actually sing and it's like no Oh, this band is pretty good send request is really good. No the fucking computer is good is what it is Andrew can't sing that well at all. I don't think Just He has to rely on digital technology to make himself sound good Which makes me also wonder if the guitars are heavily edited either. I mean, I don't know for a fact The stem tracks I've had you can't really tell but It's like how much other music is just fake blows my mind And it's not center class just in general it's like every fucking Modern-day band it's fucking heavily edited. It's all fucking fake You know so have really produced On a way different tangent that I meant to but I Just I hate musicians now. I hate fucking bands And yeah, I started playing guitar recently I'm Obviously terrible at it right now, but that's like I just cannot believe how fake it all is People who claim these bands are so fucking good like they're not They have to rely on digital technology to make themselves sound good Not every band is bad like that, but I'm just saying way more than you'd think Music just pisses me off. I know it's fake It's all matter of opinion Nice I fucking hate bands. I hate musicians. I just hate everything I Mean I can't believe What I'm in is to accomplish In my life so far like I just I've always felt like I was just like a soul that just bobbed Like a cork Seem like just out of nowhere like I just was instantly like decently Accepted on the internet like not famous or anything but Everything that I've done is like it didn't just happen. I made it all happen I'm too stubborn to quit But you know It started off just as You walking around with a video camera pretending to make movies and that led to all the stuff I did with Pioneer's productions and Now with EGS productions all the animated stuff I never thought I'd be able to do cartoons and it's like I just I can do a little bit of everything And not everybody can do that I'm blessed I Do anything Doesn't matter how much I can do it because I don't stay here much longer I keep envisioning like when will I die one while I die one will I fucking Take a stand and do it I've often the vision at being Like when my family's away on a vacation somewhere So I'd have time to plan it out, you know Yes, I can't picture myself moving out of here, that's the biggest thing too. I'm 24 Usually by now you're moved out people move out when they're fucking 18 for fucking embers sake but 24 the way it is now it's like it's my decision. They can't just be like alright fucking move out find an apartment get out of here It's my decision. I want to be here till I'm fucking 30. I could be here till I'm 30. It doesn't really matter I'm not nuisance. I'm not in the way ever Fucking sleep during the day anyway, but it just makes me wonder when will I do it? Just keep thinking, you know May 7th 2019. I'd be the perfect day. It's like NBK with Columbine, you know Just thinking of a date in your head and just saying this is it, you know April 20th, and it wasn't originally April 20th, but Eric planned out a date in his head. He just did it And I feel like that's the same situation here. It's like it's been in front of my face the whole time May 7th 2019 It's that's your judgment day, you know That's it I don't wanna I Really don't want to live to fucking 30. I don't I don't want to make it 30. I keep saying I have this fantasy of dying young This I wish so badly. I could have died when I was a teenager We killed for it, but then I wouldn't have this, you know Want to die somewhat famous that's a goal That way it adds to the lore and everything and discussion I would kill to be able to die decently known maybe not famous but decently known So I could trend on Twitter, you know I don't know I don't know if people will be shocked or So I'm gonna say well, I'm not too surprised, you know, you know how they were but I don't know how people handle it They find out I'm dead. That's just another thing. It's like, okay. Well, how are people gonna know? I'm gonna have to leave a note saying, you know, tell my YouTube channel fan base tell my Twitter All my social media make a post Confirming it, you know, so people don't think it's a conspiracy and that I think my death and all this Me proof I Wonder how people handle it. I wonder if I'll be able to even know the dimension I'll be in This is the biggest curse right now is not knowing the name of that Dimension, you know, the embers ghost squad world. I don't know the name of it When I got sent here everything got white clean and you got to rediscover yourself here and That's been the one thing I had not been able to freaking remember And I don't think I ever will until I'm back there Just what is and I don't know how else to put it Man, it's just Two people think I deserve to be famous do they think I'm just Psychotic just crazy You Guarantee a lot of people well, I did do a poll once saying you think I'm gay and 75% of the votes were yes, I think they were like eight votes only but most of them said yes and Obviously, I'm not but Wonder what people think now I'm just looking at Mackenzie staring into her eyes and at her shirt Just that fucking smile I just drew her for the I don't know what I'm even gonna call it yet. Just This video of Mackenzie Questioning why she has to spend eternity in this world and what her parents would think of her now and You know, no matter how much time passes. It can't erase disbelief discuss the pain the hatred you know Just drawing her as a human On the basketball team and just seeing that smile it just hit me hard It made me almost tear up. It's so sad You know, this is who she was and just like that she was gone And as much as I want people to die on this planet Mackenzie, I wish didn't die when she did Think she could have lived a little bit longer It's so sad I Think keep in mind there are people on this planet who I don't want to die just yet As much as I want to kill everybody here. There's people who I want to live and you know Pass the stories on for my life, but Mackenzie just shouldn't have died I mean I never All these souls I've never met personally in my life Mackenzie I've never personally met Here that is I feel like I met her before I got here but This she didn't deserve that at all Fucking rate kidnapped chopped to pieces or a throat slit, you know It's terrible This kind of thing happens all the time Every month every other week Every week every other day for all I know Don't have that connection with anybody else like Matilda Ramsey she got fucking buried alive Like you think I'd feel like the most sympathetic for her no Though I see it her death was fucking quick, you know You're having a fucking heart attack or whatever and then fucking wake up six feet under and then within like 30 seconds You're dead. Yes, it's a freak out But you've never experienced You die of shock. Yeah, but you don't feel much of anything besides that illusion of Fucking being in shock You don't feel yourself being chopped into pieces being sexually abused and kidnapped and raped and Just butchered like that Sydney on vision getting shot mainly by my own gun but This Feel like I worked with Rachel before just killing people Rachel also just seemed familiar to me for some reason can't really explain it. It's like I don't know Rachel's just a badass I Thought the kensies my fucking angels use my pride and joy My BFF Girl who I would hug and squeeze and never let go and told you at the fucking time I don't want to fucking hold her right now terribly I Can't Want to fucking hold her I want to feel her skin. I want to feel her chest rub up against mine, you know Feel her hair kiss her Cuddle with her just be with her Terribly I Know she'll wait for me no matter how many years pass until I go She'll be there Right now Just Blows my mind how many different voice actresses I had to go through to get Mackenzie's voice, right? Wub cake was not it. I was desperate Wub cake was not meant to be the voice of Mackenzie. There was someone who I had before her that Was literally fresh off the fucking street into voice acting and the script I sent her which was that scariest experience of my life Script she said it was too dark and she couldn't bring herself to do it which Shocked me. It's like really you can't fucking just act that out. What the fuck's wrong with you? You know that pissed me off I Made it out to be like, oh, you know, it's no big deal. I just find another person to do it It fucking pissed me off It's how fucking weak people are. Oh got me to think about past experiences. Oh fuck what the fuck ever It's text just fucking acted out with your voice Fucking worse dude See that led to Wub cake just sending me an email saying you know if you need voice acting I can do that, you know And I sent what The original girl her name was Ness What she sent me as a demo real my can you do a voice like this one? She's like, yeah, I could do that and The more I played Wub cakes audio track voiceover that she sent me the more I realized that I fucked up Cuz I was just I was desperate to get a voice from Mackenzie I just like I just need anybody to do this and a voice similar to this, you know, and I'll be set and Then over the summer is like man. I really fucking fuck this one up I was gonna have a cake record again for Halloween For a video I was gonna call it. It was it was called exhuming me, you know like excuse me But exhuming and Mackenzie and me were gonna go to the cemetery where she was buried and Saw that her grave was exhumed, you know dug up And that her body parts were in there and there was like a note from the guy who killed her a guy for a note From the guy who killed her is saying, you know, I'm still I'm still here or something Or like even dead you're still as hot as ever or something. I don't remember but I'm like, well, I don't want Wub cake to do that, you know, it's that's not Mackenzie's voice I Start to endlessly forever and then I found Laura and Laura was the biggest gem of a find ever forever's ghost squad and she does Rachel and she does Mackenzie and Her Mackenzie voice is just so sweet. It's like an angel whispering in my ears And it's virtually spot-on to how I envision Mackenzie speaking It's almost it. It's right there But she's done amazing she's done an amazing job So I hope I have her around for a long time Wub cake just pisses me off I'm not gonna get into that but I fucking hate her guts half the time Yes, she's a good artist Meaning a drawing artist. I fucking hate her singing voice people make her out to be like she sings like a fucking siren She's fucking singing sucks Get that through your heads fucking just being fucking blind Which he's done on YouTube to even realize how shitty she is Okay, doesn't do shit. Oh I can talk similar to other fucking characters that actual people voice in cartoons. I Can get popular by doing this big fucking whoop you can do impressions who the fuck cares It's not the actual thing. It doesn't matter She can draw yes You can draw that's about it your fucking accent is in every single one of your fucking voices Your accent sucks This is gonna fuck off. It was right in the Mackenzie voice And you fucking did the Mackenzie voice for me. It was like three different fucking voices you went through The very beginning was the Mackenzie voice. It was pretty good and then you just fucking went away from it It's charging way too much fucking money to do things Fucking tape it'll cost me like fucking 85 fucking dollars Sad thing is that's what I use for a guide for everything else after like when I when voice actresses asked me like what I charge Like what I pay is like yeah $5 for 50 words. It's fucking outrageous when it adds up tape videos add up 85 dollars on a fucking voice over and you're not even animating anything for it You're fucking speaking into a mic voice acting isn't that fucking hard I'm not saying I'm fucking queen of voice acting, but it's really not fucking hard It's not hard at all With audio you can manipulate the fucking fuck out of it You don't have to animate anything You just fucking speaking your mic and act like you're the character Granted some things are tough, but fucking voice acting isn't that hard. It's really not that hard at all Again, I'm not saying I'm the best ever but voice acting is not that fucking hard It's really not And act like oh, it's Grooving and oh, it's a lot of work and it's fucking not a lot of work you set up your mic You have your fucking script right there all the words are there the tone they want everything is in the script It's right in front of your fucking face And you just do different variations of saying it You do fucking three different lines or you know fucking three variations for the same line and be done with it And that's it you send it you're done. You don't have to do anything else with that shit You have the easiest fucking job out of anybody I Get the hardest I get shit on with everything else I wrote it. I got a fucking edit it. I got a fucking animate it. What do you do? Oh, you just spoke into the microphone done That's really fucking hard It's not What don't you hire in it? It's fucking financial shit I don't have thousands of dollars to throw at animators to animate fucking entire videos for me. I Like to see you do that too. You wouldn't you won't Pisses me off People fucking with voice over demo reels You praise the shit Most of them aren't even that good Laura was a gem though and I fucking got her as I was shocked I Was desperate too, but I risked it and like okay Maybe she could do Rachel and Mackenzie and Mackenzie was a wild card. I didn't know if she was gonna be able to do it or not You know a real reason she got to be Rachel was because I had two different girls before her They weren't timely enough for my liking I sent them the fucking script with my guide track sending how I wanted the lines red first girl She fucking her name was Reezy Reezy vocal demo reel voice over demo reel fucking I Center the script. She's like oh this sounds fun, but I'm going out of town. I'm going I'm gonna be out of the country for three to four weeks and then I'll do it Which sounded kind of fishy I'm like, okay, I'll wait no problem Three or four months, you know three to four weeks pass Sorry the trip lasted a little longer than expected still looking forward to doing this You know so she records like a few lines and then people got home Fucking like five more days pass nothing Fire got rid of her never heard back from her so you know no longer interested in working with you because you're lacking for reliability found another girl Personally the same thing happened except only six days passed or so after I sent the script and she said she would do it and never sent it to me so I Was just very impatient at that point, you know six days usually it's That's a sign that they're not gonna get it to you in a timely fashion, but they could still do it That's happened with Laura too Mallory especially for Sydney like she could take like weeks to get me something But she could take a week to respond to a fucking Facebook message, but that's okay Because Mallory is okay. She's cool, but Yeah, this other girl fucking six days went by. I'm like you're fucking gone I didn't say it like that I said the same like I said in the same way You know you're unfortunately we're not good though to work together because you're lack of reliability Never heard anything back. I don't think Think her name was Jax But she seemed perfect because she seemed like she could be fucking crazy and psychotic and insane because her demo reel was actually really good But I was pissed when she didn't get me my stuff You know that's one thing I hate more than anything being a content creators when you send stuff to people and they don't get it back They don't give back to you and these were people that were gonna do it for free, but I learned with that. It's like, yeah Want something done good and professionally you got to pay the people so Laura was a Lucky find She seemed really cool I mean even though she's just text on a screen to me, but Just seemed like somebody totally different just by the way she would email me The way she wrote and it's like okay. I feel like I could trust her the other two I didn't really feel like I could trust in her. I just felt like a connection And It wasn't like right away or anything with Rachel it took you know like a week and a half or so I think But when I first heard it it was like it was so nice because I envisioned this script being read in Rachel's voice for like two months And then I had to wait even longer because I had to do the breakup video for Alex Gebhardt I had to do that on my vacation in September. So I'm like all this while I'm waiting like to get this Rachel video done But I had to put it aside then Laura said she was moving which at first I'm like, oh great here we go again with excuses, but You know she was telling the truth So I allowed that so it took her like three weeks. She's like it's gonna take me like three weeks You know I'm moving just moved. I want to sell it to my house first and then I'll get to doing this You know, obviously you're moving to a new area. You got to meet new people and all this stuff. So I understood that so you know, I let it go and You know three weeks later Got the voice over and my jaw dropped. It just how Spot on it was Because I didn't hear anything like, you know, Reezy recorded like You know like a paragraph or something or whatever or the first half of it or something and I never got to hear it I kind of wish she would have sent me what she had but you know, it was what it was. I Wasn't gonna keep her anyway because she was so fucking unreliable, but I wish I could have compared it I doubt she has it nowadays. I'm not gonna contact her again. Oh, you have that Rachel voice over because there's no way in hell but Yeah, Laura it just made my jaw drop here in Rachel's voice and It gave me goosebumps. It seriously sent chills down my spine So soon she started talking with you know Hello It's a stupid fucking thing recording Never used the voice memo app before but now I feel like it's gonna become my new best friend Like just that voice when I first heard it. It was like ghost face as a woman and it was just so Like manipulative sounding and I loved it and it gave me just goosebumps and shivers down my spine and I loved it And I knew I had something special going And it's to this day, it's my favorite tape video the conspiring a massacre to video. It's my favorite one By far I've done a lot of tape videos by now But that one that was really good But This is crazy how all this has happened and it's been years of development Years to understand And I don't know where it's gonna end up when I go but I hope it becomes something I hope they make movies out of this. I hope they make documentaries out of this. I Hope they overanalyze the shit out of it I I I I I really hope it does. I just I've had this vision of it becoming something amazing It's just faith that it will Someday You So it's been quite a while since I recorded with this thing. The last time I had this out was back in December and I went off on a bunch of things and Been doing a lot of thinking over the last few months and things make so much more sense now than they did like two years ago and every night I just go deep into the thought and Recently started a journal and the last time I recorded with this I Did not have much written in that journal. It was just the beginning of it now I only have around 40 pages left in the thing. So I write a lot There's 180 pages in that journal and I filled up about 85% of it Today's March 26 2017 I'm gonna try to record as much as I can while I can because I don't know how long I'll have the house to myself right now I just I'm just in a better mood today and It's rare it's very rare for me to be in a very like Normal mood like this like not pissy or bitchy or anything today felt really different and Then I really started to see things and so I got my journal out and I wrote and I think I figured out the meaning of life And it's just my opinion obviously you're gonna have people you know not agreeing with you and everything But this is what I came to terms with is that everyone is sent here on a mission Okay, everyone has a soul. All right That's not an opinion. That's a fact. Everyone has a soul whether you like it or not. You have a soul, okay? Every single human being who's sent here on earth who was born here is here on a mission and You have a contract That you sign or that's given to you prior to being born here on earth We all have an agreement of what we're supposed to do Before we get here. So when we get here on earth and we're born We forget everything about where we came from the afterlife Heaven whatever the hell you want to call it To me, it's not I don't call it heaven. I just call it the afterlife. Okay, and No matter what you are no matter what you believe in you will have an afterlife It doesn't matter if you're atheist you will have an afterlife It will not be complete blackness and darkness for the rest of time It you will have an afterlife. Okay Now the way I see it is we all get sent here and we have a contract that we sign that lists What we're supposed to do what we're meant to accomplish and how we'll do it and the decisions will have to make and We're given general specifics of where we should go to school where we should live and reside Where we should work just the directions and paths that we should take and it's by these choices That leads your life through the end now It's very hard for me to like remember every single thing. I just wrote in the journal and just speaking off the top of my head from What I remember that I wrote but We all have a personality we all have traits and This body that we're in here is not your spiritual body Okay Now I wrote before that I'm a girl on the inside, you know I'm I have a male body, but I'm a feminine soul. I'm a female soul. Okay Just because you're a man or a woman on earth Doesn't mean that that's what you are in the afterlife It all depends on what your destiny is and what you're set out to do here. It all depends What your mission is that determines what body you have? Okay, now in terms of sex You can only be a male or female on earth. Yes. I'm a girl on the inside But I'm still a guy no matter what I'm a guy on this planet. Okay, that's how it is There's no in-between. Yes, you have straight people bisexual people Gay people lesbians transgenders, you know, you have all these Specific sex types whatever you want to call it, but the fact of the matter is you're still a guy You're still a girl no matter what that's what you are Okay That's what it is spiritually Yes, you're something different, but on this planet. You're there guy or girl. That's it now I've I've pretty much My entire life have never been able to see my future It's like I've never been able to visualize myself as a 40 year old or a 50 year old Not even a 30 year old, you know, I was never able to visualize myself past my 20s and here I am 24 and a quarter and The way I see it is I have just under or just over five months to live and That's what I've come to accept and that's that's how it is It's like I just know that this is what is gonna happen and this is how it ends and This is what I need to do before I go and this was all like all my entire life I've just never been able to see myself grow up ever That's because I'm not ever an adult. I'm still a kid. I never grew up I'm always like a teenager on the inside and that's how I'm forever gonna be and Just throughout my life. I was never able to see myself past my 20s. It's like I never saw myself get married I can never see myself having a kid. I can never see my parents passing away. I can never see my brother dying I can never see any of this stuff happen and yeah, people say well, yeah But eventually happens well, it won't with me and that's when I started to figure out who I was and then the more Like I just sat deep in thought the more sense it made and that's what you need to do You need to just sit back Just forget about everything that's going on in your life right now Just sit back and just just lose yourself Like I said in one of the EGS tapes just sit there and lose yourself and dive deep into your mind Okay, that's what you need to do You need to just sit there and reflect on your life Think of all the things that have happened to you both negative and positive They all happen for a reason no matter what they happen for a reason Okay, I know I'm saying K a lot and I don't normally say it like this But I'm feeling like I'm a little preacher here talking to you fucking humans, but anyways Everything you do Happens for a reason. Yes, there's some subtle things that don't change anything you get that But all of these circumstances that happen to you throughout your life. They're not only meant to happen They're gonna change how you act down the road no matter what whether you get pulled over and recite or recited Whether you get pulled over or cited for speeding whether you break a bone Whether you wreck your car and total it whether you break up with somebody your boyfriend girlfriend a friend in general Whether you fail a test whether you drop out of school all of these major things you do Change who you are and help you discover who you are and they're meant to happen your life is a script You say it all the time you couldn't have written a better script and all this That's because the script was already written your entire life is scripted and That you know you have the whole free will side of things But the fact of the matter is you're beginning and your end is already scripted before you even set foot on this earth. I Think personally there are things in life right you can make a choice But either way it's still gonna lead you back to what you set out to do and who you're gonna be and how you're gonna die That's how it is Not everyone on earth is a hundred percent human. I'm not I'm from an army of fucking ghosts, you know, it's like There's people who are here who are 100% human and they're meant to be human forever Me I was from a totally different dimension that wasn't really stemming from humans Yes ghosts were formerly people, but I'm a combination of a bunch of different creatures into one I'm not just a human. I'm just many things combined into one and I'm still Trying to figure out who like what that is But I'm just saying what I know for the last 10 years or so I Just death would occasionally Across my mind. I think like well, what do you do when you die? What do you do for eternity? What the hell is heaven like, you know and then as I grew older to be like 17 That's when I really started to drift away from Christianity and Catholic and all that shit that I was brought up and raised with and I just I didn't buy it and what I want to say is What you believe in for your religion? That's your faith and that is what it will be for you Your religion is what you believe in and In the end, that's what it is That's where you'll be. That's where you'll end up That's your mind saying that this is where you were before and I think the first time I legit thought about like killing myself or ending my life was pretty much At the end of middle school because I didn't want to go to high school That was one of the things that I just did not want to do because I I just did not think I was gonna make it through high school and I kept thinking I should kill myself before 9th grade starts and all this and then the date kept creeping closer And closer and closer and then it's like that thought just went away Yeah, I was nervous as fuck for the first day of freshman year but I did it and I somehow got through it and it's like oh it really wasn't all that bad but High school was a shitty time for me And he pretty much everything from high school through now has just been not good but High school 9th grade was okay. I didn't fail anything. I wasn't doing really shitty anything it was in 10th grade where things went downhill for me and That's when I realized the importance of studying and How important grades really are when it really they're not but they are But that's when the fear of failure started creeping in and then it was just like what the hell do I want to do with my life? I can't see me doing anything. That was the other thing too. I could never see me in a profession anywhere. I just never once Pictured like oh my gosh I can do this for the rest of my life like I never had that vision of the perfect job Besides YouTube, which I knew that was impossible and not smart either, but I Just never saw myself in a career and that's what ended up happening. I'm still Working a degree-less job even though I have a degree but It's just my interest in school just tanked and nothing seemed to matter I just didn't care anymore but I cared enough to try to pass because I knew for a fact my parents won't let me drop out and I knew my ass was gonna be fucking beaten into oblivion if I failed out of school So I somehow got through it but I had plenty of lectures from my fucking parents and I wanted to kill my dad terribly after like all the fucking long drives and Just bringing shit up like when it was just me and him alone about school or about jobs or all this shit that I just did not give a fucking shit about and That's when like life really started to get dark for me was when I just realized that you know I don't have a direction like I have interest in all this, but it's not gonna take me anywhere I don't want to do this for my life. You know, it's just a hobby. I didn't want to get a I didn't want to go into Like broadcast or anything because it was fucking stupid with all the deadlines and shit It was just too much pressure and it just wasn't It wasn't me and it's kind of funny how that ended up happening because two years ago I got in the animation, you know, I don't even use the video camera now I haven't used that video camera legitimately in over a year and pretty much a year and It was just what the fuck am I gonna do with my life? You know all the talks right all you know, you have no friends. You don't hang out with anybody. You never go anywhere It's just You're not doing enough with your life and then deep down. It's like it's because I don't fucking give a shit I don't care about making friends. I don't care about people I don't care about this fucking planet. I never Tried making friends like in high school. That was just I was beyond done with making friends by high school elementary school Yeah, I was shy and everything But it is like I just only saw the bad in people and that's how it was and I I had friends You know people knew me. I knew them were we friends? I say it loosely, but yes I had friends did I ever have people over no besides one or two people throughout my entire fucking career and fucking grade school and It was just I was I was just done with people by high school. I didn't care about them I didn't care about anybody in high school, but myself and James pretty much James was the only other person, but even nowadays I don't fucking give a shit about him either but It was just I Don't know So all this fucking real-world shit real-world shit just like got dropped on my fucking lap And I mean, you know 10th grade 11th grade. I'm failing shit. I'm failing ecology. I was failing geometry I was doing bad and trigonometry I was doing bad and fucking history is like every fucking class I either had a C or a D or was borderline F and That was just at the point in my life I was like I just want to fucking kill myself because that's when the ember thing started which was in 10th grade when I Are at the end of 10th grade? Yeah It was just before the start of 12th grade it was the summer after 11th grade ended when I got into ember again and I just wanted to set myself on fire and kill myself Right after I got that job at the supermarket and I just I still remember it very clearly in my fucking head I was walking down past the end caps between Isles one and seven and I was just looking around and just thinking why the fuck am I still alive? Why should I even bother to continue to live? When I had the house to myself one of these days or if my parents go away on a vacation or something which they did Occasionally they'd go on a cruise or the Caribbean or something I'm like I should just pour gasoline all over myself and let him match and I'll die Which I'm glad I never did because that's not even guaranteed to kill you That's ludicrous to think that'll kill you because it's not it's gonna fucking just leave you badly burned and Your entire life is gonna be fucked and That's just that thought was in the back of my head all throughout summer I just kept playing remember over and over and over and over and over and over again And this was long before we had the HD version of this song and it was just I fell in love with this song unlike any other song I've ever heard in my life and it just seemed so familiar and There's no words to describe how good it made me feel. Yeah, it made me sad and depressed, but I loved being in that area I loved feeling emotion. I love feeling expression. I just loved that Song more than anything. I loved ember more than anything But after a few months that kind of faded away for a bit. I finished high school somehow I failed my last high school class ever that's because I had to pick a blow-off class Which there wasn't any good ones left and I got stuck with psychology Social psych psychology and psychology Ironic being like everyone's gonna be analyzing my fucking head after this and I failed it. I didn't pass and of course who's the last person's hand I shake after I got my diploma The fucking teacher of that class. It's been a pleasure. Oh, yeah, it certainly has and I'm glad I failed your class But I'm just thinking on the inside. Oh fucking hell really this guy mr. Gilroy come on and The handshake on the video lasts about like two seconds and it felt like 30 and I just oh Did not want to have to shake his hand at the end there But it's what it was but that day I graduated that was one of the best days of my life and It still gets me to when I think of the Sun setting on that day It was the perfect day to graduate on clear sky breezy Sunset, you know June just before summer. It was fucking beautiful And I wore sunglasses throughout the entire thing because it was so fucking bright But it was just amazing like I felt like energy that I never felt before on that day and It was unbelievable in a way. I wish I can relive it and Just like walking through those halls for the last time when we were all with our classmates and everything it was so awesome Because that was the year that they were gonna knock down our high school It was a 50 year old high school and we are the last class to graduate from it So I'm walking down. I'm walking down, you know freshman hall for the last time Going outside and just looking around and everyone's going down, you know, I think it was like Double file line or something. I don't know but you know, there's people walking all around me and just looking around at these halls And thinking this is it, you know after all these years I'm gonna be out of grade school and everyone's gonna go separate ways and Start families get married, you know all that fun. Lovey-dovey shit And I'm just thinking what the hell is gonna happen now. Where am I gonna go? I have no fucking idea who I even am This is at the same time that I'm living like in the shadow of make me bad 35 thinking I could Get out of college and work with him on YouTube productions and everything like I Was dumb enough to think like that because you know, he was in Maryland. I'm in Pennsylvania We're not that far and here I am thinking oh, I could move down there and help him with YouTube stuff Which I'd never I never mentioned it to him But it was a thought and I'm glad that didn't end up happening because that would have been a shitty decision to do but I'm just thinking what the hell Is gonna happen now so First of all I had to pick a fucking college to go do but anyways June 3rd 24th. No not 2014 June 3rd 2011 was one of the best days of my life I'm just sitting there in the car with the diploma in my hand is yelling. I'm done. I'm done. It's crazy. It's just insane You know in the Sun setting right there and driving away honking the horn and It was amazing We good bit of us came back that night for the overnight lock-in Where they lock you in the high school overnight and have a bunch of activities and stuff Which it seemed like an eternity and plus you're wiped from the entire day all that fucking Like stuff you had hold in like ready to graduate and like all this emotions and stuff And it was all let out by then and then you start getting tired and by two in the morning I was pretty well spent and we had to be in there until like seven o'clock so You're in there for a long time it was like from ten o'clock to seven in the morning And I made it I stayed up all night and then I went to work that day At like three o'clock Four o'clock which was dumb of me. I should have thought to ask for that day off But I went to work. It was a shitty idea. I felt like shit, but yeah, I was done with high school and Little did I know I I would only see James like Three more times after that and he was my best friend all throughout high school Matt Gilbert was my best best friend all through great school until like I'd say The end of ninth grade. That's when I took over James me and him became best friends then and James was He was someone I needed in my life to get through great school It's all I can say I needed somebody to be best friends with and hang out with and you need friends in your life No matter what and no matter how much I hate to say that I make friends. I hate I fucking hate making friends I really I don't like it much. I never did But James was something else. He was He was he just he understood me which not a lot of people really did and We just got along together very well just we both loved the YouTube and making videos and we both knew youtubers and all this shit you know we could we had a lot in common just to put it in a nutshell and It was just it was amazing I didn't have many friends that I like really like did shit with in high school I never did shit with people out of high school like the weekends or anything, you know, but James was The one person I looked forward to seeing when I got there that was really It you know everyone else was just there Talking with their friends and it's just I'm just sitting there thinking like I just want to fucking die and just I Never had like any I Had dreams of being like like on movie sets and making movies or having my videos shown around the world and being on TV and People talking about me or getting interviewed on TV shows like the Ellen DeGeneres show or something and all this shit I had dreams of and then as time went on it's like I just I can't see this happening It just never seemed to be possible and then you know my YouTube channel was Yeah, it wasn't popular, but it wasn't dead My channel was just yeah, like people either liked it or they thought I was a ripoff and At the end of high school. I was still very make me bad Esk in a way I was I was very like my nose and my o's were still like that and I just he rubbed off on me so fucking hard With his videos cuz I like I watched his videos more than anyone's at the time and when you start watching like people for a certain amount of time you kind of start to act like them in a way and To this day, I still feel like a bit of Damien is in me because he is and I wouldn't be where I am today without him And that's where I go back to saying like you're destined to meet people to get you to where you're meant to be and Damien was I never thought for a second the stuff I do with him It's like how in the fucking world did that happen and all goes back to a fucking phone call From a blog TV show and I'll make this short and sweet He was doing a blog TV show with Kyle back when they were in college in January 2009 2009 I was fucking uh, I was 17 Not even I was 16. I was gonna be 17 in September, but yeah, I was 16 and He was just doing something like embarrassing moments like just give me your phone number And I'll call one of yous and you can tell me something embarrassing that happened to you And I just sent him my number for the fuck of it It was like make me bad 35 call at yahoo.com and I just sent it for the fuck of it I'm like there's no fucking way he's gonna call me and if he does and hey I might be able to see what his number is because there was this thing I had called trap call and If people call you from a restricted number, which he did You can ignore the call and in like five seconds It would come back and show what the number was So this is a secret. I've had my entire fucking YouTube career I've had make me bad 35s phone number since January 2009. I still have it somewhere and Then I called it during one of my live shows and I kept saying you know, oh, I have Damien's number like kind of like Notting that I did in a way and I eventually called it and he answers, you know, hello Hello and I Lied afterwards saying all the other that wasn't Damien. That was my friend John or something like I just made it up But it was actually Damien and I called from a restricted number, but I did it like fucking twice He called me again During another live show and I remember just saying like fucking asshole or something like like because I didn't pick up and You know, I did the trap call thing and I showed his number again so yeah, I was a sneaky little fucker back then and That's been and I think it's in my closet somewhere. I wrote it down But he could have changed it by now for all I know, but yeah, I've had Damien's phone number for Eight years But yeah, no, that's out of the way But Damien changed everything for my YouTube channel and when you really look at it Pioneer's productions was my first legit big YouTube channel I had a couple of channels before that that I used Randy stare for Which is my legal born name, which I fucking hate I have like three I had like five Randy stare accounts I like Randy stare Randy stare to Randy stare to network Randy stare three or any sir for and they all had fucking copyright violations on it So by the time I made pioneers productions I'm thinking well There's no fucking way this channel is gonna last very long and I'll just come up with a name and I did and If you want to hear the whole backstory on how I got the name and all that watch the Pioneer's productions anthology And it'll tell you everything you need to know but when you look at it that channel started in June 2008 and it made it all the way to January of 2016 So that was a long fucking time. That's eight years But if you take off if you take off 2008 and most of 2009 The rest is all stuff that was inspired by Damien all those ideas were what he inspired me to make and In 2009, I think the first make me bad parody I did was chips and apple which was a response to his couch potato video and that was in like May of 2009 or something and then every other video after that was very make me bad-esque and That eventually led to mr. Horsehead in November and then you know the rest is history with that and That led to those collabs and it's just one thing kept leading to another and to another and that's when I Kind of had false hope in a way like a false direction. It was like oh I can Probably end up working with Damien someday course that didn't happen, but It was just it was insane all the help that he gave me I never ever thought for a minute That he would even consider doing one video with me let alone doing three for that channel which was a Q&A video in September 2009 and Mr. Horsehead meets mr. Wooden alligator and mr. Horsehead meets mr. Wooden alligator 2 and He did some voiceover recordings for me For a curtain call the scrapped EGS episode and now he's actually working on Some audio for me for the massacre video the final video the Westboro High massacre So Damien's been a great internet friend I I It's the bare minimum of what you can you can consider a friend, but Damien is pretty much friends with anyone on the internet He can call anyone his friend pretty much Just not like personally. Oh, you know we're friends all this like he'll just consider you yeah, I consider you a friend you're an internet friend, you know and I got to play Xbox with them from 2012 through 2014 and that changed a lot for me and It's just I never thought that that would happen and that gave me a reason to keep going and to keep living because if you think about it If you take Damien out of the picture if you take him and you take James out of the picture Where am I now? I'm probably already fucking dead. So you never know and This goes back to it's like I said before you need to meet certain people to get you to where you're meant to be and And without Damien My goddess I have no fucking clue what would have happened Let alone if I didn't have a YouTube channel, but that goes back to everyone is good at something no matter what you're good at something and you'll eventually discover that and I discovered it with YouTube Because all my entire life. I just I had a million things of what I can like Try to do like like thinking like Maybe I could be a football player. That's like kind of where it started I want to be like a quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys and shit Which you fantasize about as a kid anyway winning the Super Bowl and all that That led to you know, like oh, I want to be a bus driver, which is fucking lame Oh, I want to be a fry cook because of SpongeBob Oh I could be a writer and this is one thing started to you know change and get better It's like I could be a writer and little did I know I would end up using that later down the road As well as cartoons. I started doodling in middle school I'm like oh cartoons are cool or comics like I pictured doing comic strips, which in a way is kind of lame But you know it was a start so in the end. Yeah, I used writing and I used the cartoons and I also Love the video camera my entire life since I was first able to pick up the video camera. I loved it I wanted to look in there. I'm like, let me look in there You know, I want to see what's in there and I wanted to take it hold it film stuff And I would pretend to be my parents when they would film things and just like say shit that they would say and I just loved it I'm like I can make movies with this and it just one thing kept leading to another and all these things Flourished into one big-ass thing that I never would have thought would be possible with my YouTube channels the writing the cartoons the video camera Computer final piece. I love computers Matt my best friend all through grade school He had a fucking computer when he was like in first grade and I was jealous as fuck Yes, we had a computer, but it was the entire family's computer to share got pretty annoying I wanted to play computer games everyone else wanted to use it for other shit and It took me until like fucking eighth grade to get my own fucking computer. It took a long-ass time I had a laptop in like early middle school that was barely even functional and and It took that long for me to get my own personal computer, which it was technically me and my brothers but it was in my room, so that's pretty much my computer and By a like seventh grade Yeah, at the end of like fifth grade we Separated from our bunk beds and he went into my parents room and my parents Added on to the house and added a hallway and made a whole other bedroom where they were where they would sleep So my brother just literally moved like five feet next to my room and Was in their room so the computer was in my room and That was the first legit computer I had and It just blows my mind that all those videos I made back in 2008 2009 2010 and the very very very beginning of 2011 were all edited on a compact PC and It was a pretty shitty computer looking back on it, but it got the job done and After that in March of 2011 I got the iMac It was the first big present that I gifted to myself and that was for graduating high school and I'll never forget it costs like $1,200 for that computer and I was just ecstatic overly ecstatic when I was able to get that thing and I used it from 2011 through Early 2016 and I got another iMac which was a newer version because the one I had before was a 2011 When you've had a 2011 Mac for like five years It's kind of time to upgrade because your parts are gonna get old and things just don't become as reliable and it's just I Went through a few problems with it and the hard drive failed on me the graphics card fried on me before and I just Wanted a faster system that could handle shit So I I say built loosely but I built an iMac with a bigger processor You know all this other stuff bigger RAM all this and it was just a lot more reliable And that's what that's what I've been using to this day for the cartoons and everything and It just had to be done because I make videos all the fucking time or at least back then anyways And and needed to handle all the video shit and the other one it was at the end of the line kind of But anyways, you know, I'm rambling But at this point in time you want to hear me talk because you won't be able to hear my voice anymore so But it's just like I said one thing led to another and to another and to another in a way Yeah, they say you pay your dues through life, but at the same time it's already predetermined But yeah, you need to make these choices But It's just all through fucking college. I was just lost No fucking clue where to go and thinking from the very moment I stepped through those doors that I wasn't gonna use that degree. I just could not picture myself using it I didn't want to I would rather work full-time at the supermarket, which is what ended up happening I'll get to that in a minute, but First year of college was all my basic core classes so it was pretty much like I was still in high school but on a college level and It was pretty shitty having to go there for those Now I'm thinking I just want this year to be over with so I could take the major classes and actually film things and do fun stuff well I had some classes that I failed Which this was the start of the I just don't fucking give a shit face for grades I had that like in high school But the fact of the matter was you're still in high school You need to pass and you need to graduate that was like the bare minimum of what I wanted to do was get a high school Deployment like that be it But yeah, I had to go to college because you need a fucking degree in this fucking modern day and age Which I didn't want to get a degree parents made me had no choice but So I failed in the first semester I failed my history class It's a college history class the professor was like 60 63 years old or something very monotone very boring and very easily to daydream through and He uh He just he was just very boring and I daydreamed a lot in the class I didn't take a shit ton of notes. I didn't I didn't study for Jack shit really and Yeah, on every fucking test I got like a 60 percent and You know, I think it was one of those like you know What was the significance of this or define this or what you know the significance of this Like define this and give the significance of a test or you know that shit that you have in history class So I failed Had it like a 60 or something in the class. I can't know Yeah college class you're great you're great at my grades not percentages high school I was great at pipe purse. I cannot talk in high school. I was graded by percentages college It was letter grades again, and I had an F So I had to take another history class I somehow got a C the second time I barely Eeked out of C. He said so that was good Not so good news. I Was gonna fail a biology class I got a D you need a C to pass it So I had to take that over as well About a month way through it. I was gonna fail again And it was a different instructor this time first one was a woman who was like late 30s and very kind of like sedated sounding and didn't really seem like she was really interested in her profession It's kind of nasally sounding and just didn't really seem to give a shit So I got a D second time. I took it. I was even a worse instructor Fucking like Indian Hebrew guy would talk like this for his bio class And he was black black hair fucking stereotype shit that I hate and I hate black people. I hope they fucking die and I'm like, oh my god It's like I'm gonna fucking fail again because I got an alert on my phone And say we just received an alert for your bio class and at the time I'm like it was a message I got a voicemail. I'm like what the fuck does that even mean? Of course, I made the mistake of fucking telling my mom like they said I whoops they said I got an alert for this class and then I very quickly started to realize all that means the instructor Says you're gonna fail so Had a schedule with my advisor which didn't like really do jack shit for me and It was a very shitty advisor and she just did not seem like she gave a shit and This was during the time period where Tom Lynch died. I Talk about this in my journal But Tom Lynch was a kid who was a grade below me in high school. He was in my brother's grade He got killed in a car accident on his way to school in his senior year Which was in the spring of it was the late winter of you know, 2011 But now it was 2012 so it was February 2012 never forget the date February 13th 2012 I'm leaving my college algebra class. I get to the car and then I see the text message that Tom got killed on his way to school in the morning and I knew him I wasn't good friends with them or anything, but I fucking knew him and I never had someone that was my age pretty much who I knew that well die and That was the very very start of EGS Whether I knew it or not that was the very start of it. Although the cartoons technically were the beginning but this is when it started to start and Something just broke in my head Something just died. I can't explain it. You know, they hear the people say like no something just I Just gave or I felt a cold shoulder You know my coat my shoulder felt cold like something grabbed me like a cold hand grabbing you or something and I'm sorry. I need to slow down. I'm like really like really rambling There's so much I want to say and I've sold a little time to do this I got five months to live people. I don't have a lot of time and Something just broke and I sat there in my car. I think it was a it was a cloudy day kind of and I just Wasn't like I felt numb. I just I just didn't feel anything like I just shut down and I just started having flashbacks to all this shit then I Got home and then I looked at my Facebook and yeah, Tom was on my Facebook. I Was gonna work with them actually because my first job I actually applied at McDonald's and after like applying 20 places. That was the only place that called and I worked there for a day did the training and all that and then I quit but he worked there and I would have worked with them And that's another like what if in my life but it was meant to happen and It was just a very dark time was a very dark period I couldn't get death off of my mind at that point before that I was fine. I didn't think about death and dying every fucking day in my life and Then my grades just plummeted D's sees all over the place and that's when I got the alert for my bio class and then I had to fucking tell my instructor why I was doing so bad and I I Kind of blamed it on the Tom Lynch thing because it made the most sense and I'm like, you know there's that kid they got killed in Dallas we went to school with Tom Lynch and and That's been really affecting my grades and I kind of like lied through it But at the same time it was the truth But the other half was I just I didn't want to go to school anymore. I just I wanted to drop out. I didn't want to Do it anymore. I just I didn't want to go to college anymore I still forced myself to go but at the same time was like I just I just want to be done and and The instructor kind of the instructor the advisor just Didn't seem like she gave a shit like I don't know if she thought oh he's just lying through his teeth and blaming it on that or She just she seemed very uncaring but tried to like act like you know Inspirational because it's her fucking job But she just was not a big help and that was the general studies advisor. That's who you get stuck with I had a different advisor the following year because I was in my major at the time, but yeah, she was not a big help for me But I had to drop the class and I had to take a third science class which I was almost supposed to take two but I took another one the following year and I Barely eeked out a C in that class, but yeah I'm rambling, but yeah, Tom's death Just shook my world and it just it made me see like wow this can really happen to anybody and I wished it was me. I really just honestly wished it was me I wish I could have been the one killed then I started over analyzing the the living hell out of it No pun intended because he's dead, but I just kept visualizing it and then like visualizing the funeral Visualizing the viewing all this stuff and like my brother was really good friends with him But he didn't go to the viewing or the funeral. He didn't go to either one of them and I wanted to go because I was Fascinated I slowly started to realize my fascination with fucking death and I wanted to go I'm like I'll go with you and you know, he still declined He was just he was messed up and he didn't want to see that and I Completely understand but being it's your friend and you're never gonna see him again For the rest of your life, maybe ever you should go But he didn't nor did I Because I don't want to go by myself because I was really fucking lame but you know, you I saw all the stuff posted on Facebook about it for the week and it really it it broke me big time and I Probably broke down a few times. I can't really remember but I was just I was broken at that point All right, I just wanted to stop it there so I could save So yeah, Tom's death changed everything Somehow I pulled myself together and passed with like bees and seas and they weren't great grades But I was failing so many things or having dees and it was bad, but I somehow passed and Things kind of went back to normal over the summer and like yeah I still thought about Tom Lynch a lot, but I didn't know him well at all But you know, I had a class with him and I was gonna work with them at McDonald's and you know I talked with him a few times. He was a great guy really great guy and In a way, it's a shame that he had to die so soon But it's what it was so That fall was when I started the major classes, which was the broadcast field. So you had studio production TV production, you know General computer classes that you would take and nothing really major besides the studio class and By that point I already had the speech class. So that was out of the way, which was fucking Not hard, but you know, it was tough It's hard getting up in front of everybody and speaking and preparing speeches that are five to seven minutes along and You know timing it and just getting the courage to do it But you know the studio class I met a guy named Matt Murray Matthew Murray and I Don't know he reminded me like he kind of looked like Tate from American Horror Story. You know What was his name Evan Peters it was really pretty funny and he just he fit Tate to a tee and And he was just a cool guy and I started talking with him, you know told him I did YouTube videos and he was into music and There was another girl in the class Ashlyn Elmore Who me her and Matt were kind of a little group not like a very social group or anything, but you know, we would talk When we had like some time to kill or whatever and The semester went by and Matt was nice enough for I think it was Wasn't my project, but I was supposed to direct Like you had to Someone was a floor manager Someone would direct and give instructions and all this someone worked the switcher board and all this and I didn't want to be the director I just did not want to do it because I fucking hated being a leader Which later on I found out that it's in me to do so But at the time I just I didn't want to do it and he offered to do it for me, which was very nice And one of the memories I have which I'll never forget the teleprompter We were sending messages Down to the studio because you had people who are on the camera and you had people at the camera and next to the camera is the teleprompter and We're he was writing stuff like hey faggots. What's up for? I'm a nigger ass whore or whatever He's like writing this shit through the teleprompter and he wrote anal beads and the fucking like head department Instructor walked in behind us as he was writing all this shit and he's kind of wiped it clean quick and after the guy left He's like he totally saw It was the funniest thing ever in college for me nothing even came close to how funny that was and You know they're having a ball down on the stage with it, but oh man Matt was awesome and it sucks because At the end of that semester when we went home for a holiday break for winter break It was only a couple weeks after like a week and a half after we got off That he died in a car crash Not even two miles two and a half miles from where I work on Tunkana Kiway It was like one in the morning or something on December 20th or 21st and And his car went off the road and Flipped and he got thrown from the car and he died at the scene and Every time I go home that highway If I decide to go that way for whatever reason it's longer, but sometimes I have to like if it snows or something because I can't go back roads but To this day every time I go by that I still see the cross there I still see flowers people put there. I still see little mementos people leave there the candles and That was in 2012 and it's still there people still put stuff there After four years, they're still leaving stuff for Matt there and the other thing is like I know he's not there Yeah, he died there, but that's not where he is But the fact of the matter is every time I have to go home that highway I see that and I can't not think of that and That was the one death that just flat out broke me Tom's when Tom Lynch's death scarred me this one unplugged the plug out of the outlet Matt Murray's death just broke me. That's the lightest way I could put it. It totally fucked me up and The hardest part of it all was it happened on December 20th 21st, whatever the morning of the 21st or something and You know people at my work because the store is in Tonkannock there. It's two miles away from where he crashed That's where he lives. I live in Dallas. I should say lived in Dallas It's about 25 miles away from Tonkannock and people at the store were talking about the death of the kid who went to Tonkannock High School and all this and I Didn't even know that it was him and I didn't know until Two days after I went back to fucking college for the spring semester the third day in The instructor I had for the studio class happened to be the instructor I had for this Writing class I was in I think it was like an advertising class or something or I don't remember But either way at the end of the or the very start of the class She pulled me out into the hallway and it was something like this. She's like So how you doing? You heard about Matt, right? and I'm like, you know what happened and Just like thinking like oh like nothing like really serious happened or something like I don't know I don't know what I was thinking. I didn't think anything bad happened or The very minimal like he broke a bone or something and she says well at the end of holiday break He was in a car accident and he passed away And then I just fucking broke. That's the only way I could think to describe it It was just It was just it was like as if hearing like your best friend died or your fucking sibling died or your parent died or something like that It was like one of those feelings where nothing just I didn't feel anything and I just shut down like Like you just got like it felt like I got dark around me in a way and Like I just heard like silence like I could hear a flies wings flapping Like a pin drop or something and I was just I was just speechless stunned just like wow I didn't know She's like yeah, you know was in the news and all this and She talked me for like two minutes or something in the hallway, but That class felt like it lasted like three hours after that She had to tell me at the very start of class which made me fucking think about it the entire fucking class and the entire fucking day and the entire fucking week and then the entire fucking month and I just never recovered from that to this day that has been what's made me how I am now Like in terms of like thinking of ghoulish and morbid and macabre stuff Matt's death was what started that and That's what led to EGS. So him and Tom equally contributed to that and I Just I could not believe it and I wasn't like I said like with Tom. I wasn't best friends with Matt It just it shocked me though like and I knew him It's also just because like oh I knew that guy I talked with him a lot You know and but it just felt so much more than that Like at the same time I felt like I'd known Matt for a long time, but I'd only known him for a few months But I had that connection And just knowing that he got killed and taken I just I'd wished it was me and To this day. I'm still that way Only I've learned to adapt and learn how everything works and why you're here and where you're meant to go But Matt's death was the final nail in the coffin For my direction in life pretty much It was really bad Mentally on me and then I eventually told my parents about it. My mom knows his dad and I just I couldn't believe it Yeah Matt was on my mind for a good while But the fact that it happened a month prior like I didn't know throughout that entire time that Matt was dead Like I knew he had a facebook and everything, but I never added him on it and I was just I was stunned. I was speechless just completely speechless and I've never been the same since I haven't so College was College was a rough time. It usually is for everybody. It's not easy, but um after that I just I couldn't Picture me doing anything. I'm like, I'm gonna end up being a camera I'm gonna end up being a cameraman at a new studio or something lame like that You know, I wanted to do movies and everything and all the classes I was doing was like tv production or you know interviewing people new shit and It just wasn't what I envisioned and in the The second semester which was after matt died, which is when I met This one instructor. I'm not gonna say his name because I don't want this guy to get Infamy or anything if anything does eventually happen with this egs shit um This instructor I had my brother knows who he is. He had him as well, but he uh He was one of those authority figures that I just flat out despised This was when the authority side of me like The attention to authority just tanked. I could not stand being told what to do I hated authority. I hated people telling me what to do And this guy was pretty much trying to steer me in the right direction for my life and I didn't want him to and After a while, he started to learn how I work and you know saw what I could do and you know, I made Videos for this and then I'm like, yeah, I make youtube videos and You know, I make some pretty top notch quality stuff and you know It's time when I was like, you know, you're ready to go to the next level. You know what you're doing you have the skills to do this and I quite frankly didn't want to do anything with it and I can't just say to the guy Look, I'm only here to get a degree and that's it. I couldn't do that but The guy was a nuisance to say the least to put it lightly. I fucking hated his guts. I wanted to fucking crucify him But You know, I got through his class and I thought that would have been the last time I would have had him Turns out I was wrong because the following semester. I had him for three fucking classes I had him for radio production. I had him for video production and I had him for I think my special projects workshop or something I had him for three fucking things pretty much And the special projects was the spring of my final year, but this was fall And I couldn't avoid the guy I had him all the fucking time every day And then I just I stopped showing up for three weeks pretty much two and a half three weeks I stopped showing up to his classes. I would leave the house and act like I was going to class and I would sit in the car That's all I would do. I would just sit in the car I Waited for enough time to pass and then leave So I made up some bullshit excuse like he sent me an email, but I never read it Um, because I ended up seeing him before I knew he sent me said email He's like, oh, you probably don't want to read that email. Then I'll just talk to you here But yeah, I lied and made up some bullshit excuse that oh, I had transmission problems with my car And at the time I actually did have car problems So it was a little easier to lie because you know, I this was one of my many car problems in my life um, one of my tires blew I blew a tire going to work the one day and um Yeah, my car was in the shot for a bit But I just lied and said my transmission was messed up, but you know, he bought it I say that loosely Yeah, he whatever He uh, probably couldn't care less at that point like well at least you're here But yeah, so I skipped like two and a half weeks of his classes And he virtually did one of the projects for me He wrote the script for it all and then it was for my radio class and I just I I would creative lies. I could not care less about college I couldn't care less. I was just done mentally. I was done With everything that happened with Matt everyone trying to tell me what to fucking do my dad getting on my case about Where I should go with my life and all this fucking shit. It's just that point in my life. I'm like just fuck off and I still had another half a year left of college But at the time you need to start thinking about where you're gonna go And this is where the pressure started to just boil so fucking high up that it it spilled over and I somehow grin and bared it through the rest of my fucking college career, but This fucking instructor just would not take like failure as an option pretty much He wanted to see me succeed and granted. That's his fucking job You're an instructor. You want people to pass and get a decent job. I get that But what he didn't know was that I was just there to get a degree Just to get out of fucking school with a degree and not even fucking use it I can't say that to the guy because they'd be like, well, what the fuck are you gonna do with your life? And why are you here? You know, and then that would lead to other shit and you know, it's just like you're wasting money And I just I didn't say it Somehow I kept it in But I got through it. I got through the classes. I passed. I moved on to my final semester of my college career This is where things took a big turn which I didn't expect I said I couldn't picture anything that I could do with my life And at that point I'm still lost in thinking what the fuck am I gonna do for a job when I get out of here Because the store really wasn't offering full time. There wasn't any way I can really get it and I'm just like great. What am I gonna do? And That spring semester my final semester of college you had to do either an internship or a project With enough value to show off your skills and you know present it And I did not want to do an internship because I knew very well that I wasn't going to go into that field so There were three options I had one was oh, I can do this I can do a project on my own completely on my own which would make sense So either do a project completely on my own and present that Which along the lines of he said like organizing an event to benefit the community Which is like something lame I did like in high school Which is like a a bowling fundraiser for some shit. So I didn't I didn't want to do that again. I'm like I did that already. I'm over that And quite honestly, I wish I never did that to begin with because that fundraiser was fucking lame um So there was either that option I could sit with them and discuss to do something else over a bag of chips in a can of coke or something And the third option was One of the uh, the instructors there was doing an interview show that was going to air on the campus tv station called interview and I knew A couple the guys that were going to be doing it, which was mike and chris chris olshevsky and mike danil. It's um, yeah, I could see other names. It's in the fucking end credits for fuck's sake but I'm like, all right, I'll ponder it And then I messaged mike through facebook like a day later and said uh, if you got room for one more, I'll I'll gladly help out and he said sure and um Little did I know that would be one of the best decisions of my life because What we ended up doing was we ended up interviewing bands And then filming them playing their own original music live on the stage where I had the the studio production class and You know the first band was addicted to the shindig and they were Man, they weren't like anything special It just seemed like their songs never ended. It was pretty fucking boring to say the least But you know, it gave me some experience with it, but I wasn't great at it plus I never watched music videos ever went to concerts. So it was like totally new to me but The second band that set foot on that stage Um a couple weeks later was center quest and They changed my entire life And as much as I despise Send requests nowadays andrew blank darryl kolminsky erinwood john labensky. I fucking hate their guts pretty much Um, it's a love hate thing some days. I like them other days. I fucking can't stand them. I want to fucking kill them but When I saw them set foot on that stage and start playing their pop punk music it just It grabbed me And the first song they played was never never they ended up playing it three to four times Um, because they fucked up so many times one, you know, they were out of tune the other uh I almost can't even remember One the tempo was all over the place the other they were out of tune One had a false start and the other was the final take But they played never never Anymore which was the old version of it, which was total shit by the way um Honestly can't believe they had that on their set list. It was a pretty shitty song at the time So it was never never anymore My last confession I quit And comeback song So it was basically the beyond the ordinary e p with My last confession on it and anymore so they played the five songs and At the end of never never I was like, oh my god It's like this footage looks like it can go somewhere like I just I was looking in the viewfinder of the camera And my camera was on andrew blank all the time the close-up shots of him and everything And I was just looking down at that viewfinder Looking back up at him and I just had this big ass grin on my face like this is awesome and At the same time it's like something just felt familiar about it And it wasn't because they were inspired by green day or anything I was not into music at that time besides the Beatles pretty much The Beatles were my life maybe a couple queen songs, but it was all Beatles And green day I had not listened to since I was in fucking elementary school middle school So I didn't even think of green day when I saw them because I'm very I was very new to music So when I heard that that sound that style I just I was like this is fucking awesome And then you know they played comeback song last and lucky for me. They got to play it twice because um The first one andrew's volume was down on his guitar So I got to hear the song twice and I like that was also like saying from above Hey, you might want to listen to this song because it's going to change your fucking life so They played never never three or four times well three times they started it four times And they played I quit twice Because he messed up a lot andrew messed up And they played comeback twice So I had a very healthy dose of send requests that night on the evening of march 31 2014 And after they left, you know after they got off the stage and I started importing the footage onto the max in the editing lab And I was just looking at the footage and it just Felt right like something just even though the quality was kind of grainy and everything. I just looked at that footage I'm like this looks awesome This can go somewhere I think and I just had that thought in my head like yeah I can make something out of this maybe for youtube. I don't know But you know they made me want to show up at college for that final semester send request Made me want to get through that final few months of college And that was the last project I worked on was the special projects workshop It was editing that send request show And I got to edit never never And I got to edit comeback song and I also edited anymore So I cut three of the songs mainly because I was fucking into it big time So I was fucking pumped as fuck when we got the audio tracks from the head guy of the show who was organizing everything He mixed the soundtrack for it all So when we finally got those tracks, I was like yes because then I could finally understand what the hell they were singing about because the microphones were just terrible um So we got the soundtracks and it was amazing and I ended up putting it on my itunes and everything and um so yeah, I edited never never anymore and comeback song and presented we all passed and the last thing I ever edited was one part of my last confession Which is very Very fitting when you think about it in a way Center quest ended up being my last confession to the world showing who I truly was And that was the last thing I edited in college. It was a piece of my last confession and um That was it We presented we passed And we went on our merry way I dropped the disc off with all the stuff on it for my portfolio to the head instructor of the entire fucking communications section department whatever Um, I didn't even see the guy. I only saw him a couple times. I had him for a class before but um the final semester, um, I just dropped the disc off and that was it. I passed I graduated college You know that cd. I dropped off was the final piece of the puzzle and Little did I know that center quest and I would grow a connection like we did I ended up shooting a music video for them. I ended up shooting a music video for them a year later in march 2015 And um, it was the over and out out of my head music video which looking back on it It didn't turn out great at all for my liking. It wasn't very good but Mm-hmm. I also kind of felt like they just used me because like well, he knows what he's doing video Let's just use him and then we'll find somebody better. That's kind of how I saw it looking back now At the time I just couldn't wait to work with them again because I was just in love with their music But I'll talk about center quest another time Um, because Andrew really fucking screwed me fucking hard down the line But anyways, yeah center quest made their way onto my youtube channel with the music and everything you first heard it in the anthology Pinear's Brux's anthology started with comeback song And then I ended up using it in every video since pretty much so I never would have thought That something I did in school would change my life the way it did like that did It was unbelievable So um But yeah, I ended up going back over that summer to go back and get all that footage from that show because I was just I was dying to see the the other takes they did because I couldn't remember like what songs had to be redone I'm like, I swear on my life. I think they did come back song twice Because I wanted to hear the first take even though it would have been from the camera audio Because we didn't have the soundtracks for the finish for only the finished takes only the finished takes had the soundtracks for it So the rest was all straight from the camera mic And I went back up there and of course it's the summer and you know, there's hardly any classes in the summer and I go up there and uh, yeah, the room's locked, which I figured So I made my way all the way up there. I drove like the 30 miles or whatever. I'm like, fuck the door's locked Which I should have figured Light was out door was locked can't get in there Great. So who do I have to message to get into that room the fucking instructor who drove me fucking crazy So The fucking guy Says, yeah, I can let you in there and you can get what you need or whatever. So You know, I set a time and met him there and door was open and Also noticed that they had new iMacs at the time because we had these old old iMacs Very different from like the 2011 iMacs. They look different. I can't really explain it, but They're like square monitors and um Of course it was trial and error trying to figure out which editing bay I used to cut these songs because those hard drives had all the footage on it You know the the sd cards had long been wiped or you know formatted and wiped clean So I was hoping the goddess that the footage was still on the hard drives and after like Trying two different computers. I finally found it and I found all the footage And of course it was a shit ton of footage. It was going to take like 45 minutes to transfer at all So what does he do? He sits down with me and just starts talking about career pass And I really didn't want him to I'm like, please just fucking go away I had to deal with you for a year and a half go the fuck away and Of course he he sits there and starts talking to me and Start saying I need to go. I should go take classes at this college at miser cordia It'll help benefit your future and you should take this and this and this and you'll be great at it And this will be good and blah blah blah like I make it out to sound like you know He's just trying to help me out and everything but it really it's not how I'm making it sound out to be he's actually like legitimately trying to manipulate me and It just pissed me off because that's what I've had to deal with with him the last year and a half at that time And I'm just like nodding and shaking my head like uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like just shut the fuck up And you know it went on for like 25 minutes. He talked my ear off And all the while at the time I'm still thinking I don't fucking give a shit because I'm not going to be going into this which he didn't know at the time but I kind of I'm pretty sure I said something along the lines of you know, I'm still kind of unsure where I want to go So I'm just gonna you know Work at the store now and just make enough just make money You know, that's all I want to do right now. It's just make money. You know, they jump something like oh It's all about opportunities and if you miss the opportunity someone else will take it You know if you're older and there's a younger guy Well, they're gonna give it to the younger guy who's fresh out of college and blah blah I just it never ended and I wanted to fucking hang up by his fucking neck and fucking just fucking kill him and It just it pissed me the fuck off so My last memories of college is that that was uh the last time I was up there until I shot the music video because that was in the gym On campus. So I got to go back up there for that. So at least that overwrote that event But yeah, so I got all the footage and then like a couple days after that my dog died which sucked but Bruno was a good dog but yeah So college was just a living nightmare for me it was There's so much I could talk about besides just that shit like stupid shit like People I got stuck working with who ended up dropping classes and I ended up doing projects by myself or ended up skipping projects because of that And just college I just did not care about I just did not care because I knew I wasn't gonna end up using it anywhere and what did I do? Um a couple months after I got out Maybe like eight months afterwards when I knew For sure 100 I wasn't gonna go into that field. I completely erased all of my projects from my college career I scrapped my portfolio. I scrapped everything that you're supposed to save Because all throughout college you make a portfolio It shows off all the work you did like your best work, you know your projects you made through college You should save everything you do for college. I can't express that enough save everything you do. Do I regret deleting it all? No But yeah, that's what I did I plugged my flash drive in plug my flash drive into my mac went through everything deleted it all everything but the send request footage because that's all that mattered and Looking back. I really don't give a shit about it I don't give a shit about all the shit I deleted. I have no regrets about it Um the only other thing I have left which is actually it's on youtube now, which was this radio project I did for my radio class That's the only other thing I have from my college career. That was in 2013 So that was when all the dark shit started happening with me But it's not noticeable on those recordings for that radio class but It was what I did. I deleted it all Scrapped everything which I didn't tell my parents that I told my brother But that's because when we got older. That's when we started to open up to each other like me and my brother. We never really Saw eye to eye on things. He always felt like he was bossy to me pretty much Like I was always like the little dumb kid to him And he was like smart and you know, he got good grades. He was in advanced math and everything he got honors and you know, I was just a dumb kid and Like he had so many friends. He was very outgoing. He had girlfriends. I never had one girlfriend in my life and you know Throughout the years we would fight a lot and you know typical sibling shit sibling rivalry But when I got In and out of college, that's when things changed even to this day. It's totally different And that's when we started opening up to each other about the real world and what we think Exists out there like are there other people and other Galaxies that are alive besides us and that's when we started opening up to each other about Life and it felt cool And I just always loved thinking about that because that's what I thought about my entire life pretty much I mean, obviously not really an elementary school, but you know, I was always in that zone of thinking out of the box And then we started connecting that way and You know, whether it be like just driving in the car like if I had to take him somewhere or If we were just in the backyard by a bonfire drinking beer, you know, we just we would talk about stuff And I like that, you know, I don't like talking to people much Even though I can get the mic out and talk to you for hours on end I just I hate talking to people in person because it's fucking dumb And I hate it because I just don't give a shit about people. I don't care about people's life story I don't care about what they want to do with their life. I don't care what they've been through I don't fucking give a shit. All right, but when I was talking with my brother It was nice because we finally started connecting and suddenly it wasn't like oh, he's not so bad But like all throughout middle school. I wanted him to fucking get kicked out of the house Like I had I fucking had this reoccurring vision in my head Him getting thrown out into the snow saying you're out of the family like I pray that that would happen to him because I hated his guts I fucking hated his guts. I just wanted him out of the house. I didn't want to deal with him and over time we finally started to connect And then we started like, you know seeing how life works and We would see Like just different perspectives on things and we would try to interpret that and it was just it was nice Just that out there talk that you just you get into once in a while It's like you just like take like a tangent. It's like, you know, I don't know how we got to talking about this but I like it, you know, it was cool and You know, it eventually just started going into like Talk about that like with our parents and how they're they're pressuring us to get jobs and They just want us to be successful and all that which we got but it was like it's overbearing and just totally unneeded stress And then we just we got it. We understood each other, but little does he know like how Totally dark and different I am compared to him. He has no clue that I'm this way but You know, because I hardly ever say a word to anyone in the house. I never speak to anybody I'll talk to my mom, but I won't even fucking dare talk to my dad because I fucking hate his guts So It's just it's firstly just like me and mom me and mom. That's my relationship in the house. That's the only person I talk to so yeah it's uh It's just that's how it's been and it's not like oh my dad's the worst man alive on the planet. No It's just once the real world shit started to creep into my life. That's when I started hating him And I totally get you know, he wants you to be successful He wants you to get a job in a career so you can move out of the fucking house and start your own life and Get married maybe have a couple kids all that fucking shit, which I knew was never going to happen I never was able to visualize me moving out of this house That was like the number one fear I had like you always feel like oh and you're 18. You're out the door I dreaded the thought of turning 18 because I thought they were going to kick me out of the house and I didn't even feel ready Now I'm 24. I'm still in this house and I'm going to be in this house till the day I fucking die That's it. That's the ultimate step is My move out is the legit move out of this world so It's really um It's just it was like a snowball effect that just got bigger and bigger and bigger Over the years and now I don't even fucking say a word to him really ever Also didn't help that he was the manager at the grocery store. I worked at for a few years like the first like half of my 10 year at that store He was the head manager and I got stuck doing stupid shit that you shouldn't get stuck with but I do because I'm the fucking boss's kid Sent out for deliveries and all this shit like oh stop at the Dallas store and pick up this for our store and do this Oh work tomorrow at this time. Oh, you're gonna have to start at nine o'clock tomorrow and be there early Blah blah blah blah blah all this fucking shit. Oh, do you want to work today? No? Well fine. I'll give it to someone who cares. I just it was so fucking shitty And it's just stupid bullshit and retail. I can make a whole other recording talking about retail, which I probably fucking won't But the long injustice of it is if you work in retail Don't get the fuck out of retail while you can and it'll save you a life's worth of bullshit Retail is full of assholes who have no lives If you work in retail, you're a fucking worthless faggot You are a fucking worthless faggot if you work in retail Oh my god, it's do I fucking hate retail dude Managers in retail have no fucking lives They only try to fucking pin their bullshit on other people so they can have the blame They're lazy as fuck They have too many fucking rules You have guys that go by the book some that don't give a shit at all people that dump shit onto other people to get away with it Shitty employees people you can't rely on Fucking corporate managers being overly fucking sensitive with everything you do Every fucking thing has to be perfect It is so ungodly retarded And this is a fucking supermarket in the middle of the armpit of fucking pennsylvania where nobody knows exists And it's like it's a fucking supermarket that has 19 aisles It's not fucking walmart Every fucking thing is so much of the thing like on a display is fucking crooked or a can is bent or You know It's just the subtlest fucking thing is so fucking retarded And i've been there for almost seven years It's like I honestly I don't even know I wanted to quit there after my first year And it's just retail is so fucking just worthless to have as a job Talk for fucking hours about it all the experiences i've had all the shitty bosses i've had All the fucking shitty coworkers i've had the shitty hours i've had to work Retail it is the most work you'll ever do for little value Even if you're fucking part-time you fucking feel like you're a full-time worker there And it just it made me want to die even faster It's just everyone is miserable Nobody cares Everyone's looking to blame somebody Everything's got to be perfect It's just all bullshit and it shouldn't have to be that way And it's part of what's made me who I am now And it's part of what's made me who I am now and it's not how life should be If you work in retail and you hate it get the fuck out That's all I can say if you work at walmart kmart target Fucking american eagle or aro post all holster abber kromby A supermarket, you know, it doesn't matter if it's like where if it's retail get the fuck out Just get out Because it will more than likely than not Make you partially psychotic And i'm not saying that to be funny Because i've had so many thoughts of just shooting that place up that i've Long lost count it's into the fucking thousands And i've even had dreams I had a dream once where it was like three years ago Where I parked in the the store parking lot parked in the store parking lot walked into the store Walked into the back room and it looked exactly like the store the back room looked exactly like the store's back room and everything And behind the fucking duned rack, which is just a graded rack where you set stock on that's overflow stock That can't fit into the back stock bays or anything and behind the duned rack was a shotgun and I either picked it up or I left it there. I can't remember but I think I picked it up I took the shotgun out and I just walked back into the store and back into the park and went into my car but Nowadays if I had that dream I'd be shooting people And i'm this close to getting a shotgun. I'm this close. I'm so close. I could fucking smell the gunpowder And I can't wait It's gonna be awesome I just need to watch my attitude Dude You know watch how I act around everyone in this house for the next couple weeks a few months Because if there is the slightest hint that I'm really severely depressed and thinking about it in my life Then you're not gonna get a gun so But yeah, it's that's the long adjusted it retail It ruined everything for me It sucked all my motivation out to do youtube videos. It's why I don't even do much of anything now If I'm lucky I can make an edit like an art edit of egs and that's what goes out that day. It's like I I haven't worked on anything egs related since Fucking January except the massacre video. That's all I've been working on. That's all I care to work on anymore And that's gonna be the last thing I ever work on That's how it is and The more time that passes the more I just accept that fact that this is gonna be the last video I make and that's It's just gonna be what it is. It's not gonna be perfect. I have accepted that There's just there's too much to do to make it top notch. It's just it's gonna be what it is And in september no matter where I'm at. It's just got to be done and go out And I got enough time You know the intro the opening portions like it's gonna be like three minutes long Doesn't have to be top notch or anything. I could just a bridge it if I really fucking have to but It's just gonna be what it is Okay I guess I should start wrapping this up It's been like an hour and a half. So the last thing I'll talk about a little bit here is Columbine Because that's obviously the main drive behind the massacre video Pretty much around june I want to say june of 2016 is when Columbine really started taking over my life and I I didn't really think much of it at first like I didn't think that this would like influence me to do shit And it's just it just kind of seemed like a documentary thing It's like oh, this was an event that happened in history and oh that was cool, you know But then it just grew on me like I can't even explain it Columbine just snatched me it grabbed me I was absorbed into it sucked into it and I couldn't get back out nor did I want to get out and I just just Was just stunned That two high school kids were able to do this I just instantly connected with Eric Harris and Dylan Cleveland I have three natural selection shirts. Okay. I fucking love Eric Harris No homo, but I fucking love the guy huge inspiration And he's what made me want to get a shotgun so I just I was just completely blown away by what they were able to pull off and just pissed that they couldn't have killed more people Should have been so much more should have been hundreds more Or at least a hundred more But I just couldn't believe it and I saw the suicide photos and It's just I couldn't believe it. It was just amazing. It was just another type of lore if you will just Not quite a fantasy, but It was just amazing. I just got lost in it all And I loved it loved every ounce of it And then I saw the journals and I was like, oh man, this is so cool and then that inspired me to write my own journal and You know people say like oh Eric Harris's journals. I obviously over dramatized and everything but Even if so so fucking what It inspired me to start my own and I don't over dramatize anything in my journal I tell it how it is. I say what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling And I got to thank Eric for that. But actually back in elementary school early middle school. I did used to keep a journal so It was pretty like it was just naturally done for me It was just something I was used to so writing came easy I've always been a good writer and I read their journals and Dylan's was a little more a little more of a trip because it was just it was much deeper But I just I couldn't read everything in it it was Even though I love depression and feels and all that it's just I don't know. I didn't connect with it as well as I did with Eric's Eric's journal was pretty much like 75% of it was like half of like what I was half of Like Eric's journal was 75% of how I viewed society like how I view it now and how much I hate people and want to kill mankind and How I feel about other people and it just it just connected with me boom right there and I just I wish he could have wrote more, you know I I fucking wish the basement tapes would have been released I know for a fact there has to be a digital copy out there There has to be a digital copy of the basement tapes. There's no way there's not the FBI has it in their archives or somewhere There has to be a digital copy of those basement tapes And I'll never get to see it in my lifetime and it's a shame But maybe in the afterlife I will but It's just I wish I could have seen those tapes Seeing their goodbye video, you know, hey mom gotta go It's about an hour before our little judgment day or whatever he says, you know Oh, I want you to have that fly CD and you know Don't blame our parents for this. They had no clue and you know, it's just I wish I could have seen it all unfold You know, obviously the basement tapes parts of it could have been over dramatized, you know Let me shoot you right in the mother fucking head Go go Romans. Oh, thank god. They crucify that asshole. Like some of the stuff like yeah, it seems like over the top shit But they're having a good time you would too But I just I wish I could have seen that shit And it sucks that the fucking government thinks that hiding these tapes away is going to help prevent more shootings If anything had helped inspired more already And it's just they're only hurting themselves by Fucking covering the like the fact of all this up Jefferson County 911 Jefferson County Jeff co whatever you want to call him Jeff co just fuck off You fucking had evidence you disposed of it. You destroyed it kiss my fucking ass It's like all this fucking evidence they had that we'll never see the light of day Like I also wish like the shirts you never fucking got to see erics natural selection shirt ever The only hint you've ever got of it besides the cafeteria footage is that fucking warped distorted grainy gas station video back in 1999 on that day When he was buying propane tanks and you could barely make out the fucking letters on it I just wish I could have seen that shirt And it just it pains me not knowing what it actually really looked like. Yeah, it's just black font on a white t-shirt Andrew it's nothing special, but these were shirts that killed 13 people, you know 14 or whatever You got to see dillens in the suicide photo. Eric, of course is hunched over to the left and you don't get to fucking see it Which is really a letdown and it also makes me wonder There had to be more photos In the library obviously of the victims that we'll never see but there had to be more photos of the suicide You know, you you barely get to see erics face, which was like completely Detached from his face from his head or whatever Eric just was a wreck And you can just barely Make out that wound on his face You know his face is pretty much hanging off of his head pretty much It's hard to explain but you know the shotgun blast is completely detached his face And it's just it's so cool and I just can picture them looking down at their bodies being like whoa Look at this like I hope they fucking post these like to the world or all this, you know I hope people see my dead body See what we did. It was it was just it's so cool to think like that and you know I've seen a youtube video where these people Channel eric and dylan and I I honestly don't know what to make of it. I kind of think it's bullshit but That kind of led me down the path of thinking about the contract thing and you know, you have a soul contract and all that and that made sense But yeah, some of that stuff. I just I can't buy it. I can't buy mediums and Psychics and all that only like to an extent it's just It's just it's not there for me people claiming to Open up doorways to talk to these spirits. You see a bunch of fuckers like mike huff talking to spirits and Through a fucking box and it's I don't fucking buy it Whatever his name was mike huff mike fucking huff. I don't know go huff some fucking glue or something Steve huff I don't fucking care But yeah, it's just Columbine was one of the last missing pieces of the puzzle in my life and mcKenzie was The legit final piece of the puzzle Um, yeah, I was I was into Columbine over the summer But mcKenzie really made her presence known to me through the end of the year into now And I always feel her by my side. I always feel like mcKenzie is there and She's she's my girl and I love her very much They just put up a poster over it today Me with the new look Me with the black it's it's not technically black But I just made it a lighter shade of dark purple so you can distinguish me and mcKenzie Because that's actually how I look how I envision myself on the other side And um, I love the new look. It looks so nice It's kind of like an overcoat You know and have a shirt on under it and Purple hair outline. It's not the ember color anymore The main reason I made it that color was The main reason I made it the you know, the robin's egg blue teal color hair in the beginning was It was a couple reasons the main reason was because ember changed my life, you know, this was How I saw myself. I was a follower of ember and she inspired me to do egs and You know, I had to pay an homage to that And the other reason was it it reeled in viewers, you know It reeled in humans to watch this stuff when you see ember's hair You instantly realize and you look and it's like oh, that's ember mcclain and then you realize it's not It's like why the hell is there a guy's voice coming out of a female guitar player? That's really weird That's because you don't fucking get it but You know, I talked about that in the other recording. It's like obviously i'm trying to tell you something But yeah after a while i'm like, yeah, I I can't picture myself with blue hair and my entire life I've always wanted to have darker hair darker darker darker. I want black hair or I want dark brown hair And it's like it's dirty blonde hair. It's the bare minimum of what you can pretty much call blonde hair But I just I've hated my hair color my whole life and it got a little darker over time but You know a lot of the pictures you see on me on the internet the contrast is enhanced a lot and it makes my hair look darker than it really is And I do that on purpose because I hate looking at like my lighter Hair like it's not really light. It's not at all It's dirty blonde. It's kind of like I don't know how to really explain it um But it's not it's not quite brown. It's not quite blonde. It's virtually in the middle to 75 brown but I just I've always hated that hair color and I like When harry potter started coming out with movies. I just loved daniel wrackliffe's hair and like it was it was black pretty much And I was harry potter for halloween in like fourth or fifth grade and I dyed my hair black for it Just spray paint die So it would just wash out and my hair color would come back, but it was black And it didn't seem like it it worked, you know and also I was really young and I didn't have a lot of hair but Um, I just I always wanted darker hair and over the last year and a half I've wanted to dye it I I first wanted to dye it blue, but I'm glad I didn't because it just it wouldn't look right on me In this body, but now I wish I could dye it black and dark purple You know like my character has I say character loosely because it's it's actually who I am but It's just I'm stuck with this hair until I die I've accepted that so um Yeah, I put the poster up today and signed the back of it and I don't know if those posters will ever get sold. I imagine my mom will just throw them out because that's All you do it's like, oh, well, we don't need these anymore And they'll just go through all my possessions and throw shit out or sell it But I'm gonna have to leave a note saying, you know Sell my egs stuff to people who would want it, you know, oh, these were the posters I had Or sell my mouse pad, you know, this is what I Animated with, you know, this is what I made all these videos with the mouse over this mouse pad You know, I just like stuff like that memorabilia people would like that Even though egs never really blew up like I envisioned it might after I'm dead for all I know but You know, I have three posters right now. I have the legend of ember free poster which That was back When I could not get the nose down for all my fucking characters the nose is always out of place Like the mouth is always higher than the nose pretty much or the nose is never just in the proper spot It's either too high or too low or too off-center And I have that one. I had the one with me and m that I just put up and You know m short for mckinsey. I I call her am a lot. It's just that's short for mckinsey not short for emily It's just it's m the letter m And so I have the legend of ember free poster the one with me and m and then The first poster I made which has mckinsey me with the blue hair sydney rachel madison and celeste on it so Um pretty much every major character Is on at least one of these posters Um alex isn't on any of them. I just I don't I don't think about alex much it's just I wanted to do another video with her, you know showing alex's accident But I just would have taken too long. It would have been too much work and it would not have turned out like I envisioned it in my head I had the recruiter ghost floating up to him and you know talking and like going to the like in Like insane detail like how they thought he felt like his pain levels and everything and then he eventually would die with them laughing over his corpse And a recruiter's voice is like a triple tracked voice It's kind of hard to explain but a recruiter Talks with like three voices mixed into one And it's very eerie and very unsettling to hear but it's fascinating and I love it But yeah alex isn't on any of the posters um Matilda Ramsey is in the ember free poster in the background so she counts um Shelly burley obviously isn't on anything because she was the newest addition I just I just came up with her on the spot pretty much. I was just watching a bunch of scarred episodes Welcome back to scarred Ha, you know MTV scarred and I'm like wow skateboarder death would be cool So I made Shelly But I'll never get around to actually animating her Kind of for the best because she'd kind of probably be tough to animate But yeah, it's like all the major characters are on there And um I'll probably make one or two more posters That'll be that but Um I want to give away I want to give away the massacre poster Whatever it ends up being you know the thumbnail for the video. Maybe I'll make into a poster If the printing company will print it I use poster burner Because apparently they have no problem at all with printing copyrighted stuff because I printed an ember mcclain poster that has the remember lyrics on it And you know, I I made it, you know, like I removed the background from the episode and cropped her out and made like my own Background for and all that but I tried vista print and I tried another website But they knew that it was copyrighted And that ended up happening with my mouse pad too I tried making another mouse pad and I got denied because it was Ember mcclain from a nicolodian show that you know, that's what they said which I'm surprised I knew who she was but Yeah, so some websites are smart poster burner, it's like they don't give a fuck or They just have no clue that this is copyright because I made an ember mcclain poster with them And I made a dazzling's poster from Rainbow rocks my little pony equestria girls. I printed that out And it's right above my mac And I couldn't believe that I got away with both of those I printed them both at the same time there And then they shipped them to me the only downside was I didn't frame them The egs posters are framed those two are not But Yeah, I could not believe I got away with that and I thought I was gonna get sued or something and Or like, you know, brought the court and find like 500 000 dollars or something for printing out copyrighted material, but Didn't happen so but yeah it's just I got a lot to do these next five months and honestly, I I don't think I'm gonna get to do all of them I want to gather around a bunch of stuff and Release it to the world the night I'm gonna die and I forgot how am I gonna even do it Because I need to upload it to a website somehow so you can download it like in a zip file You know, I want to upload like egs stuff. I've made so you can download it or You know the journals all my journals That I've made I want to Import them like I'm gonna I scanned everything up to like last week So everything up to last week is scanned into my mac already. So I'm gonna upload that I'll upload all these recordings that you're obviously listening to now um There's just a lot of stuff I want to record still to talk about like my other channel like for pioneers productions I want to talk about stuff I did on there again and you know Just other parts of my life and how I became who I am now, you know, I've talked about the darker stuff But there's still more to talk about You know, I could sit here for 12 hours and still keep talking But I'm just looking at me and em in that picture. It's so awesome. I just like tear up thinking like that's that's where I'm meant to be And I gotta wait, you know, I gotta wait five more months So hard. It's really hard So hard to wait And this is every day I grow more and more confident That's where I'm meant to be. That's that's my destiny. That's my mission And that she's waiting for me, you know Yeah, she communicates with me through my thoughts, but I just I can't physically see her And I know she'll wait for me. I know she will Em's the best Ember was my first big crush, but Mackenzie is my soulmate But There's just there's so much I want to do But the fact of the matter is I gotta get that shotgun first. That's the last milestone Everything after is borrowed time the way I see it but Actually in the background of that poster with me and em there's uh There's the Eric Harrison dylan clebold Drawings I made for the massacre video from the suicide photos. It's in the background of that poster and I I just I can't help but laugh Because it just it's so cool And you know, it's faded and everything you can't really make it out, but you can totally see dylan's arm But that's in the background ever. There's two guitars Um, actually, I think there's four guitars that intersect behind me and Mackenzie and then Eric Harris is on the top left and dylan clebold's on the bottom right Exactly how they are in the suicide photo and I traced over it and Made an egs version of it But yeah, it's actually Eric Harrison dylan clebold's body's behind me and Mackenzie and Um, it's just funny. It's one of those things you'll you'll never see until you know it's there But if you don't know it's there, you won't see it and I just I can't help but laugh at it because this is so awesome So, yeah, I love you Eric and Dylan you fucking helped inspire me Thank you Thanks a lot I love you So I don't know like I said, I don't know how I'm gonna release all this stuff It's it's always been a thought because like for years now I've been playing to die and it's like well I kind of want to gather a lot of stuff and then upload it for people to have Because the fact of the matter is once I'm dead my parents don't know my computer. They don't know all the shit I have on there They don't know what's in all my folders. They barely know jack shit about my youtube videos, you know My mom claims to have never even seen my cartoons, which I fucking find impossible She'll ask me about them once in a while and she asked me about them this morning But I just said I haven't done them in a little while because I really haven't I just have not felt like working on egs, but after today I'm gonna try to plow through stuff But yeah, the fact of the matter the fact of the matter is I got all this stuff I want to upload and I don't know how I'm gonna do it Because like recordings like this they're gonna be so fucking huge and I'm gonna have to overnight a lot of stuff, but It's also like I gotta do it so no one like suspects anything You know I gotta write I want to write like emails to some people before I die I've wanted to kill people like before I took my life, but I just it's not worth it The fact of the matter of that is like I just keep having thoughts of the gun breaking or you know The gun jamming or falling apart or something and it's just I'd rather take the sure thing and I've said this in my journal a lot I'd rather have the sure thing put it in your mouth pull that trigger. You're done That's it There's no Drawbacks to that you will die you will die virtually instantaneously. You are dead. You will not feel a damn thing So That's the best route. Yes, I've wanted to take my I wanted to take the gun to work and you know kill my boss and kill My co-workers and then take my life and I'll won but It's just it's too much to risk And any one of them could just take me out, you know Not that that would happen, you know you come in there with a shotgun and you're running for the hills but I just I don't want to take that risk It's what it is Yeah, I might conspire something over the next couple months, but this is it's probably just gonna resort to me sitting on my floor maybe next to a poster and then Listening to remember And then pulling the trigger like I just keep envisioning it like Right after you know the first verse ends, you know like you should not doubt me You will remember my name and pull the trigger right there And that's just what I've envisioned for the longest time Can't even tell you how many different ways I envisioned of me dying in my life Years ago. I wanted to die in a car accident, but I'm glad that never happened. That's a really Risky way to go. It doesn't matter how fast you drive. You can still survive so It just resorted to guns and then one idea kept leading to another it's like my mom finally got a handgun It's a Pink lady gun, but it's a purple one and then when I saw it Like this thing looks so fucking weak Like yeah, I could take somebody out, but I just I wouldn't count on it to end my life and I'm like I need a fucking shotgun, you know so Um I showed a video clip to her, you know my mom's you're like, this is what I want to get This is a saw-in-off shotgun because she's like she was talking about shotguns Like I want the ones that are probably like illegal, you know We're like the barrels like short and everything. I'm like, you mean a saw-in-off shotgun. She's like, yeah, I guess And then I started showing her a video clip of it and I'm like, yeah, this is what I want to get And I'm like, yeah, you could saw it off and it's not illegal You know, it has to be 18 and a half inches, but you know, this is what I want to get and she's like, okay So now it's just a fact of the matter of like waiting It's a matter of time waiting for this weather to clear up because it's still fucking snowy here Which sucks So I can see some time within the next three weeks me going and getting a gun so I'm gonna In honor of Eric Harris. I'm gonna get a pump action 12 gauge shotgun and that's gonna be That's gonna be my ticket out of here. So um He called his arlene. I'll call mine Mackenzie because she changed my life And um Yeah It's gonna be interesting and it's I'm gonna be picky too because I don't always picky and choose you like with everything I like pick out Shotgun's gotta be like this has gotta be perfect, you know But whatever they have I'll take It's a shotgun, you know, it'll do the job so Yeah um There's so much more I want to talk about but it's 10 after 3 in the afternoon and I should be going to bed so I'm off tonight at least but There's just there's so much I want to talk about and I've I've spilled my heart and soul into that journal but You can only write so much before you realize that you're taking up a shit ton of pages and I only have like 40 pages left of the thing and I'd hate to have to start another one But I'm gonna have to make two journals because between now and september You're not gonna be able to cram all that in there So This recording is two hours long. I mean, I highly doubt many people sat through this and one sitting But I don't know You know, or maybe I do know on the afterlife I imagine the afterlife you can see things and you can watch people and you can see what they're doing and how they feel and what they're thinking and I I think that's what can happen And I hope to goddess I spawn followers I pray to goddess people follow this cult that I started and Join the ghost squad and join me in the afterlife and we can come back and You know kill mankind Or if killing mankind's not your thing then hey, you could be a part of the ghost squad. It's just as good But Okay I'm gonna try to make these recordings more often the only problem is I need to do it when I have the house to myself and That's it doesn't happen a lot nowadays, um Honestly, I thought I would have had like 20 minutes to do this one but um There's always so much on my mind and obviously since I can't record all the time I Started the journal the journal is just it's an easy private way to get my thoughts down and have it not be heard until the end um Nobody knows about this journal except me and some people on social media. That's all I didn't tell my brother about it. I don't tell him anything. I don't tell my family anything I never tell them anything And in the end it's like he's what could we have done, you know Oh, I don't know how I didn't see it or you know, it's fucking fate It's meant to happen. This is how it's meant to be whether you like it or not and that's that's it Welcome to reality. But yeah, that's I hate this shit. I like oh, how could we have not have known I what could we have done? You know How did I not see it? I can ask you the same question I never fucking say anything. I'm always locked away in my room You know, I never go anywhere besides work. I don't talk to anybody And I always look miserable. I look like a fucking pale ghost. I just How could you not see that I'm depressed? You know, I never say goodbye when I leave for work You know, I never say hi when I get home I never acknowledge anybody And that's the one good thing about night shift is it gets me away from everybody in the house, you know I get up everyone goes to bed and I go to work I come home Everyone's going to work So there's that little window of opportunity to see me and that that's all You know, my dad's pretty much always gone by time I get home anyway, which is good Fucking worthless fucker But Yeah, just nobody knows Then I'm like this but Um, at least I'm doing something like if I didn't have these cartoons or the youtube channel. It's like, yeah, I would There'd probably be a cause for concern because I don't do anything but You know, my mom will bring up the cartoons once in a while. It's like is are you doing anything with it? I just I can't tell you Because of this shit and that's what I'm I just keep it to a a dull roar With what I talk about with that. I keep it to a minimum Because I don't want to say oh, hey, well look, this is what I do. Oh look This is me talking through a chick's body. Well, that's gonna You know, like are you gay or and she asked me that once and I said no because I'm not gay And I went over this before Not attracted to guys I'm not gay so I mean it would just lead to a never-ending, you know Spiral of questions and then it'd be like, okay. Well, you're talking about killing a bunch of people and then This and that, you know, it just it would be bad For the future for me and I can't let them see that side of me Not until I'm dead And that's how it's gotta be. I gotta fake my way through this somehow and act like I'm okay and Happy and or at least just okay, you know, I just I just I got a lot on my mind now, but I'm okay, you know Not gonna kill myself or something, but you know, I don't go to that route but That's why I got a little nervous with the gun thing, but I kept bringing it up Because I had to I'm like we need to get a gun I'm always alone by myself all damn day if someone breaks into the house, you know, I'm fucked That was my excuse, you know, so she got the handgun but for herself because she wanted to get a gun for gears for protection and all that but she never really put too much thought into it, but then she really started considering it this year and then That's when I like really wanted to start to get into guns, especially after columbine After I got into that stuff and then I went out shooting with her boss not her boss her a co-worker And those are what those video clips of me shooting the handguns are from, you know, the revolver and those pistols or whatever Um that I put on instagram and twitter and actually on youtube as well And I mainly did at the scare the living shit out of some people Um Because this is what I like to do. I like to shoot fucking guns And I wanted to fucking scare people with it and um Yeah, so once I started shooting those guns, it was like man, this is awesome So that's when I started looking up more gun videos and everything and then I'm like, geez, I need to get a shotgun So I'm this close This close to getting a shotgun And at this point in my life, nothing matters anymore. Money doesn't matter anymore I could care less if I spent like a thousand dollars today And it just doesn't matter So Doesn't matter how much that gun costs if it costs like a thousand two hundred dollars. I'll fucking pay for it That's what credit cards are for anyways So Step one is to get that gun step two is to saw it off and Saw off the stock I want it to be just like eric's gun And um Yeah Third is have fun for a bit and fourth is do the job so It's gonna be a really strange five months That's all I can say. It's so fucking hard not to say on social media that you know, these are my last five months on earth You know, this is the last chance you'll have to talk to me. This is the last window of opportunity you have to talk to me And then once september rolls around After that first week, I'm probably gone. I keep thinking september 7th 7th is my favorite number And september with remember, you know, it was september and it just it'd be perfect May 7th 2019 would be the ultimate day. I can't wait that long. That's two more years Over two years still it's only march It's the end of march now, but yeah, I can't wait two more years. It's I'm just done So And I'm done with this Happy 420 humans. So thought I'd get the mic out and talk about Columbine today. And it's almost quarter after one in the afternoon on the east coast, and that means in mountain time they're waiting for the bombs to go off on this exact moment 18 years ago today. So it's crazy. Columbine just sucked me in once I started following it. And I've honestly never been the same since. And to think I was in kindergarten when it first happened. And by the time it's on TV and everything and becoming this huge national story, I was just about getting out of school, or I was already out in kindergarten. So I never heard about this thing. And I honestly never really heard about it until I was in high school. I think in one of my classes I heard them mention Columbine and all this when we were talking about big world changing events or something. But I never really looked into it until I was out of college. Pretty much last year is when it started. And it changed so much for me. I honestly cannot believe how much Columbine has influenced me and changed me. It's really insane. And I don't know what it is about it. There's been so many mass shootings over the years or catastrophic events and all this. For some reason Columbine just feels different compared to everything else. And I don't know, I guess I can just relate to it a lot in a way. But obviously not the bullying thing. I wasn't anywhere near picked on like that in high school. Our school district was actually pretty nice to go to. You had stupid shit to deal with, but it was usually just messing around stuff. You never saw fights in the hallways like every other day. You didn't have that here in Dallas. But I was always the puny kid, the weak, scrawny, skinny kid. And I was just a huge target for people to pick on me. But it didn't really happen too much. The only thing that really would happen would be people would move my things or hide them somewhere and I'd get frustrated and upset that I couldn't find my backpack or my books or they'd steal my book covers and stupid subtle shit like that. But I mean I never got into fights with anybody. I was never beat up by anybody. I never had a wedgie done to me or anything like that. And obviously nothing near on the scale that happened at Columbine over the years. But I don't know. I had that thought back in high school. I just don't want to be there. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to go to school. I hate education. I hate being told what to do. I hate the real world. I hate authority. I hate all this stuff. And it just makes me wonder. If I was in high school right now, how things would be. I'd probably be conspiring a massacre like that to carry out on my high school. You don't know. In this day and age, anything can happen. And I wonder if I eventually would have ended up doing that. I mean, yeah, the supermarket thing came to mind. But it was just I wonder what things would be like if I was in high school right now. So I don't know. Columbine is just one of those things that just sucked me in. And I can't even explain it. It just grabbed me like very few other things have in my life. And the more I researched and studied it, the more I got sucked into it. And I watched all these documentaries on it. And it's just it made me have so many questions. Anyways, 18 years ago right now was when all the shooting was happening in the library. It's 130. And the library killing Spree lasted about seven minutes or so. But whenever I see a library now, I just immediately think of Columbine. And I just immediately want to go in there with a gun and shoot people. It is ridiculous. And it's just that's like the biggest lore about Columbine that I love is the library stuff. And the saddest thing is that there's no full version of that 911 call available. You get the five minute version with Patty Nielsen, but that's it. You don't get to hear anything else really. And it sucks. Because the phone line was left open for quite a while. I think it lasted like 20 minutes or so. So you can hear everybody getting shot. And I wish we had that full version. And I highly doubt we will anytime soon. It really sucks. But I don't know. Columbine, I kind of forget what I was talking about before. But it's just something about it that just sucked me in. I can't explain it. And if you happen to use that Columbine forum, you'll know that I have an account on there, the EGS Andrew account. I should say had. Because by the time you hear this, I'll be dead. But yeah, I recently started browsing the Columbine forums. And it was always interesting reading other people's perspective and thoughts about it. And people that are as into it as I am. So you get to read deep threads about stuff and talking about the suicides and all this stuff. And you actually learn a lot from that forum actually. And it makes you think in ways you never thought you would think about certain things. And I don't know. Columbine is just one of those things that I could talk forever about. And I just don't know. I just love the shit out of Columbine. And I can't go around the internet saying, hey, I love Columbine. Eric Harris is fucking amazing. Oh, I love Dylan too. I love them. I wish I could have met them. They're my heroes. And you can't do that. Or you're going to get fucking reported as a threat. You see all these people that get caught and all their plans are foiled from people reporting them for conspiring a Columbine shooting or something. And you just got to be careful with what you say. And yeah, it's just the one thing that sucks because I love Columbine as much as I love EGS and all that. And I can't post about Columbine all the time. Or like I said, you're going to be considered a threat. So yeah, it's just one of those things that I have to watch what I post about it because people will start to get concerned and think I'm mentally ill and shit. I've had a comment or two saying that, but I don't fucking give a shit about it. But yeah, Columbine, I wish I could have seen it happen. I wish I could have seen from Eric and Dylan's perspective everyone they shot. I wish I could see the library as it happened. I wish I could just freeze time, go back in time and see that all happen. And I hope after I'm dead I'll be able to do that. It'd be amazing. I wish I could know what they were thinking during all that, what their state of mind was like and if they said anything before they killed themselves off. I know for a fact Eric had to have died first. There's no way. That's pretty much been established by now. Eric was dead first. He took his life first. Dylan's the big mystery because we don't know if he killed himself within the first minute after Eric died. If he even knew Eric was going to off himself, we don't know anything and only they know. And I don't know. I don't even know what I think Dylan did. I don't know how much longer he was alive for. Part of me thinks he was alive only for a few minutes. I don't think he was alive for another hour shooting at police or something. I don't know. That's kind of a rumor that's been going around. Personally, I think Dylan killed himself within like 10 minutes after Eric did. Just took a little bit longer for him to die. Because Eric probably didn't feel a thing putting that shotgun in his mouth. That was it. Once he pulled that trigger, it was lights out. He was gone instantaneously. Dylan, I know for a fact, choked on his own blood and took a few minutes for him to die, which I feel so bad for him for. I cannot imagine. That's how I envisioned doing it a few years ago up until just this past year. I envisioned putting a pistol to the side of my head and pulling the trigger, which he used a TEC-9. It's a semi-automatic gun or something. But I guess he saw what the shotgun did to Eric and he's like, I don't want to go out like that. But then again, it's like, what does it matter? I don't know. I always envisioned just putting the gun to the side of the head and pulling the trigger. You always see in the movies and everything. But then I just kept researching it and it's like, that might not even kill you. It's not foolproof. If your aim is off or if you hesitate, if you flinch, if the gun jumps, if you just miss that little bit where you're intending to hit, you can survive. That's not what you want to have happen because you'll never be the same for the rest of your life. You'll probably most likely be a vegetable for the rest of your life. What kind of life is that worth living? It's not worth living at all. That's why I figured a shotgun is perfect. After getting sucked into Columbine and all that, I learned how powerful shotguns really are. And then I just fell in love with them. It's just, Eric really helped me out with that. I'm watching the Rampart range shooting video and all that. Just seeing the power that those shotguns had and still have to this day. Shotguns are very powerful. If you put one in your mouth, you're just dead. I was looking into getting a Saunov shotgun, meaning I would have to buy a shotgun and then saw it down. Once I started looking on the website where I got the gun from, I just found that Mossberg 500 and I'm like, that pretty much looks exactly what I wanted to do to the shotgun. Pistol grip in a shorter barrel, it's like a 20 inch barrel or 20 and a half inches. And that's a good length for a barrel because Eric's shotgun, it was like sawn down to 18 inches. It was probably beyond the legal limit. And just watching those videos of him shooting it, it looks like he could just blow his fingers off if he slips that little bit. So yeah, that was a thought when I shot it for the first time the other week was, man I really gotta watch where I put my fingers. But you got enough room on that gun that I have, but his is like, you had an inch if that or your fingers were gonna be in front of that barrel and were gonna get blown off. So it's kind of remarkable when you think about it that he didn't actually injure himself with that gun by blowing off his fingers. I mean, yeah, he got cut up and everything I guess from the pistol grip or the kick from it and just driving it into his hands after shooting it or something. But I had a little injury from it. It was like a blood blister under my skin because I guess the pistol grip pinched between my skin and my finger on my pinky finger, which was the one that I had all the surgeries done on. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And I thought I was bleeding, but it was like a blood blister under my skin and it's still there. But yeah, it shocked me how much power those shotguns have. I bought some shooting gloves. Hopefully they'll help me, just the force of it all. Because in the middle of my hand, it's just been really sore for the last week just from the kick of the gun because it rocks your hands after you shoot it. I had a couple good shots where it didn't, but I wasn't wearing any types of gloves or anything. I was just bare handing the thing. After I shot it like three times, I'm like, ouch. This is really hard to shoot when you're not wearing anything. So bought some shooting gloves and they'll be here any day now. Bought a fanny pack bag holder for shells and a holster for the shotgun. I'm thinking maybe by the end of summer I'll buy a second one for when I do the deed at the supermarket. So I've always been paranoid about just having the one gun because if it breaks down on you or if it jams and you have no way of fixing it, you will never be able to off yourself. So having a backup secondary weapon is crucial. I've always wondered how long it will take for the police to know that happened because you know, I got all the security cameras and everything in the store and there's some houses across the street. If I was able to shoot and kill the three to four people that could be in there and none of them got a call out to 911, would it take until 5.30 in the morning until anyone realized that there was something wrong? How much time would you have? Because the fact of the matter is there's nobody else around and that's what makes it all so perfect because no one would ever see it coming. It's a beautiful scenario. It's a dream come true. No one can stop you. And it's your bullet proof in a way. You just walk in and pow. One's a freebie no matter what. You will get one person, boom, just like that. You're separated by all these aisles. No one's going to even see you coming because the way this works is on our order nights, which is when I intend on doing this, it's a 19-isle store and it's split between aisles 1 and 7 and 8 through 19 and we always do 1 through 7 first and most of the time by time we get to break, I start at 10.45 and breaks at 1 o'clock. Lunch is at 3 and I'm done at 7.15. By 1 o'clock we're still 90% of the time still on that first half of the building. So I'm completely shielded from everyone's view. You will never see that coming and I'll know where everyone's at. When we go out to break and just stay out there a little bit longer than normal and come in and pow. Shots fired. So it's just a gimmie, which I imagine Brian will be the first one. I can't picture it being anybody else. That's who I would go for. I'll get rid of the top dog first. So yeah, it's crazy to think how easy this will be. But I've always wondered about the cop thing. But either way, it doesn't matter. I could pull that off within a few minutes and be gone before a cop shows up. So the other thing is he'd have to shoot through the door to get in. These are big foolproof doors. So I would know if one was coming. There's no other way around it. I'll know for a fact when someone gets in. I'll be like, all right, time to go. Boom. So I don't know. I have a pretty general idea of what I want to do. But just as long as I get one, that's all I care about is killing at least one person. That's it. I'm going to get one. That's the fact of the matter. I mean, I've been going back and forth in my head about doing this for a good half a year now. And I finally just agreed to do it. It's too easy. So why not do it? It's just a way to go out with a bang. All my life, I've always been like, man, I wish I could do that. Or just wanting to do something amazing. And this is my chance. And I just had to wait till the very end to do it. So Eric and Dylan were my big inspiration. And I just, I need to just watch what I say and how I act for the next few months until September. And we should be golden. I mean, I can't see much of anything going wrong, knock on wood. But yeah, I just, I just need to finish that massacre video first. That's the main priority. I was thinking I could have moved the date ahead till July, but at this rate, I have under three months and I just can't picture me getting that done in time. There's no way. But I've been getting a lot of stuff uploaded for that MediaFire digital release thing. My upload speed is incredible now compared to the past. It takes like an hour and a half to upload a gigabyte file, which is spectacular. A few years ago, that would have taken me all day. That was like what I tossed back and forth in my head for a while was if I do do the massacre, I say massacre loosely, you know, the supermarket shooting thing, how am I going to post all this stuff? Because I need to do it like right before I do it. I mean, there's like no way in hell within that hour, someone would know where I was at and what I was going to do and stop me. There's no fucking way unless I told a coworker about it or something, which I would never do. But yeah, I need to post that MediaFire link on all my social media pages, send all the emails out in the Facebook emails, and I'd have to do all this within like a few minutes. So I don't know. The thing that sucks the most is the computers at the supermarket, they have websites that are blocked. So it's like a high school internet kind of thing where you can't visit certain websites and MediaFire is one of them. So it's a lot to post in a small window of time. And I mean, granted, I could do this before I go to break. The boss doesn't give a shit if I'm on my phone for two seconds anyway, because I just wear my headphones all the time. He'll just think, oh, he's changing his music and all that. But he doesn't really give a shit either. But yeah, it's just it's a lot to post. And then after that's all posted, then boom, I gotta go. That's it. There's no going back after that. So once those files go out and those emails are sent, that's it. You cannot go back after that. Like people I've been thinking about emailing are like Andrew Blank or Hobo Deadfish, David, Damien, Mallory, Laura Favardy, James, Pointe Barron, people like that. And I have to write all these out in advance, which I've written one of them already. But yeah, that's an easy fix. I could just fake compose these emails and save them as drafts and you just go in there with your phone and copy paste and boom, takes 20 seconds for one person, 15, 20 minute break. And you have time to do all that. But that's just it. And then that's all. I'm done. You know, I gotta go and then do it. And then off myself, which it's a lot to do within a small gap of time like that. It's crazy. That's how fast it's gonna have to be at 1 a.m. It's when I gotta start posting all that shit. And also that early in the morning, there's not gonna be too many people seeing that. So people won't know I'm dead until they wake up. Not even then, but by the time you wake up, I'll be dead. And it's just crazy. So I imagine around, I'd say around 1.30, 1.35 I'd be dead. Or that's when I would pull the trigger in my mouth and off myself. So I've been playing this out in my head for months now, tossing it back and forth. Should I do this? Should I do that? Cause there's all sorts of ways I can do this. I could shoot as soon as I get to work, which is really pushing it because the disadvantage to that is the store's not locked up yet. We close at 11, that's when the doors get locked. I get there a quarter of. So that's a no-no. Cause if they call the cops, police can come right in. So yeah, that's the disadvantage to that. The positive side to that is I can kill the closing manager, but it's just too much to do as a solo person. I can't block the exits or anything. Actually, I could. No one would really see it coming unless there was a customer in the parking lot or something. But yeah, that one wouldn't work out. So then that went to the initial spot, which was what I thought at first was doing it on break. Cause that's the easiest way. Also, I could refuel on some snacks and shit. So pre-empt myself. So yeah, there's that option. The third option was to do it after lunch, which it's not good because my boss goes to the back room to let the bread guy in at 3.30 in the morning. So he'd be there, or he'd be in the front office printing out the reports and everything. So that's not a freebie. That's not what I want to do. You want to catch him off guard. So there's that option. Another option was to do it when the store opens at 6.00. But that also goes back to you can't lock the doors. So it all goes back to that first one because that's just a foolproof plan. Cause like I'm always the last one in after break anyway. So then I close the door and I set the alarm and lock everything back up. So you know, I'm the last one in there and I know where everybody is. They're not going to be out there right in front of the entrance waiting for me. They're going to be back in the aisles and won't see it coming. So the other good thing is there's very few places to run and I'll be able to hear where these people are going most likely. I'm like completely deaf after shooting that first shot. It's just the way it's laid out is one through seven. There's only two areas on that side where you can get out of the like out of the general area of the supermarket like to the back room or to the bakery or whatever. Cause the bakeries on the back right corner and the meat department is directly parallel to that. So you can go into the meat department in the back room, but you're going to have to like maneuver your way back down through this hallway to the produce section where there's an exit. So you're not going to be able to run past me. You're going to have to go back through the meat department and even so I know where you're going to go. The bakery is a dead end. You do not want to run in the bakery. You are a dead man or a dead woman if you walk into the bakery because that's a dead end. It just leaves you back to two freezers and there's no way out. But next to the bakery is an exit. That's the thing you got to watch. It's an alarmed exit, but you can't come in from the outside. It's only an exit from the inside. Well, look at that. Eric has about 16 minutes to live 18 years ago today. 152. So yeah, that's always what I need to consider is where people are at because I know for a fact they're going to, I don't know. Like I don't know if they're going to know what's happening. But you would just instantly think that's a gun. So you're going to want to get out of there. But that's just it. So more likely than not, it'll be me, Brian, and one other person. I can't see it being any more than that. That's usually how the schedule is divided up. It'll just be the three of us and the floor guy. Floor guy, I don't even count because he's a fucking loser. But yeah, so floor guy is always running his buffer machine and he won't even think to look at me as I walk in. He never does anyway. But yeah, no matter what, I'm going to Brian first. That's just, that's what I'm doing because I know where he's going to be. He won't suspect a thing. Just walk up behind him, pow. Or if he does see me coming, it's already too late. Like if I'm at the end of the aisle and he's like midway through the aisle, he's toast. There's no way to run. He can't get away from that. You're not going to miss from like 10 feet away. That's point blank range. With a shotgun, you will not miss. So even so, pump pump, next shot, you're done. There's no way to survive that. So yeah, but I've always been thinking, it's like, wow, do I just like take him out, boom, boom, kill him right away, shoot him once just to incapacitate him and then go after the next person? You know, I just, that's kind of what you have to do. You can't take your time because you're going to lose people or they're going to get away and call the cops and shit. So cops are going to cut no matter what. But it's like, I just want to get rid of as many people as I can. And the floor guy, even over the floor buffer, you're going to hear that gunshot. You'll hear that from one end of the facility to the other. You will hear that. You could probably hear that across the fucking street for all I know. So you're going to hear it. And that's just like what I keep going back to is like how long until the police know? Because this is the way it works. On night shift, there's no customers because the store closes at 11. At 5 a.m. is when the bakery department comes in. 5 30 is when the front end manager comes in for the registers and all that. And six o'clock is when the store opens and produce comes in and meat department usually comes in an hour later. And you know, deli comes in and all that. So the basic departments come in and at 7 is when the opening manager starts. So at 6 o'clock is when the door's got to be open. And if you know, come 5 a.m. doors aren't open, we're not answering the phone when it rings and all that. You know, that's when people start to realize, hey, something's wrong. So it makes me wonder, could it take that long for people to know? So I'll never know. I probably will never know. I'll just, I'll be dead before I even know about it. Yeah, it's just, even though it's just us there, I feel like I'm up against the clock. I always just keep thinking that as soon as I fire that first shot, I feel like I just have like three minutes. It's going to seem like an eternity, but basically the plan is get a second shotgun. I just bought a holster for one of them so you can just carry one in your hands, have a backup one on your back ready to go. Got the shell bag. You know, it's all right there. It's all you need. That's it. But it's like, that's just it. And then I'll obviously fucking trash the place while I can. I'm definitely going to leave my mark there. Shoot out the freezer doors and shoot out the soda section, you know, really make a mess. Shoot the spaghetti sauce and I'm going to really trash the place. And I just envision it all ending in aisle one. I just like how that looks. It reminds me of the bookshelves in the library of Columbine, just where the vegetable cans are. It just looks so nice. It's like I could picture me being dead there and then wheeled out on a gurney in a body bag. So and also the other thing is it's on the very end of the facility. So it's on the very end of the facility. You're as far away as possible to the front entrance. So it's a foolproof area to be in. It's been a thought for a long time and I'm going to do it. I got nothing to lose now. It's just waiting for September to come. And my boss is miserable. He's been there for almost 11 years doing night shift. And honestly, he'd probably be better off dead. And I could really care less. But hey, I'll put him out of his misery. Why not? I could. Yeah, just looking at it and it's like, well, four months. You know, four and a half months. Not even four and a half. It's just, it's insane. 24 years of life, 24 and a half years of life and you got four months to live. People were questioning me about the shotgun. Like my mom understood because we got into guns and started to shoot and everything. But my dad's like a shotgun. What does he need that for? Which I wasn't there when he said it, but he couldn't fathom or rep his head around why I got a shotgun or why I needed one. And my brother's like, why did you get a shotgun? Like there has to be a reason. Well, yeah, obviously there is. But I was like, oh, I just, I wanted one, you know. It's the manliest thing I ever bought. And just want to shoot things. Of course, deep down they don't know that I want to kill people with it and blow my brains out. So actually Point Baron commented on my Pioneer's Productions Facebook post the other day, last night rather, saying like, you know, 2009, 2010 was, you know, the greatest years on YouTube, you know, like the best times of his life and times were simpler and all that. You know, I'm paraphrasing what he said, but he's like, nowadays I just feel like, you know, gathering the money to buy a shotgun and blow my brains out and shit. And, you know, I messaged him after and said, you know, I just bought a shotgun. It's actually really affordable. It was under $300, you know. And I'm like, I'd be lying if I said I never thought about doing that to myself. And then he actually like, actually seemed like really concerned and like caring and everything. It's like, I couldn't believe it. Point Baron was somebody I was like, I just, I loved his videos ever since I first saw them and they still almost bring me to my knees with laughter. And to know that he was like feeling that way too, just made me feel like a bigger connection with them. But then it kind of like almost made me tear up saying, he was saying like, you know, your YouTube channel has so much potential more than it ever has. And I really hope you don't do that. You know, you have so much potential. And yeah, that almost made me tear up. But yeah, he was like, you know, if you ever, if you have like, if you can like taste the barrel, the gun in your mouth, hit me up or something. Like he just, he has no idea that I'm actually like literally going to do it. I can't tell him that I'm going to do it, you know, or I can't say, oh, you know, September, I'm going to be dead. You can't do that. No matter who they are, even if they're on the internet, you know, you can't tell that to anybody. No one's going to be able to know. Can't tell a soul. But that eventually led to me asking him to do a voiceover for the massacre video. So he said he'd love to do it. So yeah, so the high school massacre video, it has like all the voice actresses and voice actors that I've loved throughout my entire YouTube career. So I got Damien in there. I got Laura Favrety in there, obviously for Rachel and some other sporadic voices. Now I have Point Baron and I have Mallory in there. So the gang's all here for that video. It's great. It's a great way to go out. I've always wanted to do one big fucking video to go out on. Absolution, I kind of thought was going to be my last big video. And then I thought of this other video to do over that time period. I was just going to call it, the video was going to be called Fantasy, which is going to be like one big ass acid trip kind of a video. And I guess I was going to eventually end up killing myself at the end of it or something. But yeah, I don't know. I just, after Absolution, I thought I was just done with YouTube videos and it was only a matter of time before I would go to my grandparents' house, get one of their handguns and kill myself with it. That's just how I envisioned doing it. Like I envisioned them going away to Atlantic City like they always do every few months. Like I was waiting to hear the conversation come up from my mom. Oh, they're at Atlantic City this weekend or something and then that's when I would go in. So I kind of started analyzing their house in a way because they have ADT, which made me nervous because I'm like, great, their houses are alarmed and everything. As soon as I opened the door, the alarm's going to tick down or something, but they don't have that inside their house. They just had the surveillance cameras, which is stupid. You should have the alarm with it. But yeah, that's where that truck video was recorded on the surveillance cameras where the guy got run over by two trucks that I uploaded. Anyways, that's besides the point. I talk about that in the anthology if you want to check that out. The video got on Tosh.0 and TruTV and all this and Ridiculousness and Ray William Johnson. It was amazing. That's just what I envisioned doing was just going in there and my grandfather has like 150 guns. He literally has 150 guns, which he sold some of them. But yeah, this whole house is full of guns and I'm like, this is why I was put here, I guess, with this family and everything because they're all about guns on his side and all this and I could just go in there and get a gun off myself. It was like too easy. Yeah, then once I started to talk to my mom about guns and heard that she wanted to get one, I convinced her to do it. But obviously the gun seems so fucking weak. But yeah, my mom got like a pink lady gun and it's a purple one. And when I first saw it, I'm like, man, this thing looks so fucking weak. I just did not trust it to kill myself. And we shot it and I'm like, okay, it's not bad, you know? But eventually I just said that I wanted a shotgun just because I knew that was a foolproof way to die. And eventually once the weather cleared a few weeks ago, I finally got one. So yeah, I just, I did not trust that gun to kill myself. It just seems so fucking weak. It totally could off you, but it's just such a weak gun compared to a shotgun. But yeah, as I said, that's just how I pictured dying was just putting it to the side of my head. But I always tossed that back and forth. Like do I put it in my mouth or just to the side of the temple, you know? And it just didn't seem reliable enough. I just kept questioning it for years. I'm like, what if I miss, you know, what if I botch it? I just, I would never be able to live a normal life again. Not that I live a normal life now, but it's just, I just didn't trust it to kill myself. So when I got into Columbine, that's when everything changed and I just fell in love with shotguns. But I didn't know as stupid as it sounds, I didn't know you could buy shotguns. Like I thought they were like, you had to have a gun permit and all this and you had to, you know, take a training course on shotguns and stuff. It just sounds stupid to think about, but yeah, it just, guns were foreign to me. I had no idea the process it took to get a gun and it literally just takes a phone call to some background check place and that's it. You're golden. It could just take a few minutes and that's it. So yeah, I was in there and I was out within like 10 minutes and it was just, it was too easy. It was so easy to get guns nowadays. If you're old enough, you know, you just walk right in and you get what you want. So blows my mind. I have a shotgun that's 10 feet next to me right now and just I'm staring at it. That's, that's my own gun. I just, I cannot believe I have a shotgun blows my mind. No pun intended. But hey, 208. That means it's 1208 in mountain time. Rest in peace, Eric. Rest in peace, Reb. You were amazing. I wish I could have met you. I just really wish I could have. Maybe I will when I'm dead. I hope I can. I really want to meet you, man. For all I know, I knew you before I was here. You never know. Maybe, but I love you, man. Love you, buddy. No homo, but I love you. You really changed my life. So many people have changed my life, but you're one of the best. And wish I could have met you. Real shame, but to think nowadays he'd be like 30. So Eric's definitely my favorite. Dylan's still amazing, but I just connected with Eric a lot more. Just the hatred for the world. He's just the one manager brought it up to me. He's like, why are you so angry at the world? You never smile. You always look so miserable or everything. It's just because I am. And I never say hi to people when I get to work and I say, hey, what's up? I was the same way in high school. If I saw people in the highway, I would not the highway. If I was in the hallway, I would never say hi to people as I passed them maybe one or two times. Or I'd say, hey, what's up? But people would be like, hi. I can't say Andrew because my name's Andrew now, but at the time it was Randy. But you know, just be like, hi, Randy. Hey. But that's how it is at work all the time. Everyone says hi to me. I never say hi to them. It's very rare. It's one out of like 50 times. If that, it's like more like one out of 200. But I never acknowledge anybody. I never speak to anybody unless they engage me. That's the way it is. I hate people. I've always hated people. I've always just lived in my own little bubble. And that's the way I want it to be. That's the way it is. And honestly, the conversations I have with Mackenzie are longer than I've had with anyone within the last few years. I just, I never talk with people ever. It's like, well, how could I? How could I talk to my mom and say, you know, this is the zone I live in. I just think about ghosts and death and dying and suicides and killing people and horrific stuff and dark macabre morbid stuff. How do you like have a normal conversation about that? You can't. And it's like my dad, especially, I will never talk to my dad about anything ever. Like all he really cares about is fucking football or the fucking weather, which is stupid. His fucking weather conversations just fucking blows my mind how stupid it is. It's the ultimate icebreaker of a conversation, but my dad always talks about the fucking weather to us in the house and not just like people outside of the house to us even. It's so fucking stupid. It's like who the fuck cares what the weather is? As long as there's not a fucking hurricane or a twister coming towards us, we're fine. I could care less. But this is all I could really connect with them was with football. That was it. I can only talk to them about football stuff and now I don't even watch football really anymore. Especially being on night shift, I had to pretty much give up the sport because I'd be going to bed when all the games started. But I just don't care about the NFL anymore. I think most of the time it's rigged anyway, but I just don't fucking care about it really anymore. Nowadays, it's just not football anymore. They plusified the living hell out of it, but I'm not going to get into that. But yeah, I never talk to people. Ever. Like those live streams I used to do, if any of you ever went to those, like those three to four hour live streams, that'd be the most I would talk to anyone in a fucking half of a year. It's insane. I never talk to anybody. Never. Never in high school unless it was James or Chris or Henry or Billy or Tim or somebody. I never talk to anybody. I just came and went. That was it. At work, my boss and I talk, but it's still like that's all we talk about really is work, which kind of gets really fucking lame after a few minutes. All he ever talks about is just bitching about the management and everything and things that happened there in the past, which I can deal with, but it's just all he ever bitches about is the management, which I get it. But it's just talk about something else. Talk about your home life. Talk about what you like to do and all this, but I just, I don't know. I've worked with them for a year, but it's just all he ever talks about is the fucking business. And it doesn't help. In a way it does. It helps pass the time, but I just, I don't know. I've talked with them more this past half of a year than I ever have since I started on Night Shift. But yeah, the guy's just miserable, but I'm like one of the only people he can tolerate, which is nice. So yeah, just to think that I'll probably be killing him in a few months. It's crazy to think about. One of the other things I thought about was like, will the surveillance footage ever be released? I doubt that. Because there's how many cameras in a supermarket. There's cameras from all angles. Every few ceiling tiles, there's going to be another camera. And there's going to be one in the aisle where I plan on killing myself. So you wonder if any of that would ever surface somehow. I doubt it, but I would kill to have that happen. Be amazing. People would get to see how I died or people get to see how I did it, you know? But I doubt it'll ever happen. You know, the Columbine Massacre had the cafeteria footage, but there's no killings being done in the cafeteria, so they could show that stuff. With this, you're not going to be able to, unless you just show me walking around with a gun in my hands or shooting at inanimate objects that don't have feelings, you know? But yeah, I hope that footage will surface someday when I do it. It'd be nice. Yeah, I don't know. It's just Columbine changed everything for me. I had the idea to do that, you know, the conspiring of Massacre EGS tape stuff before I was completely submerged into Columbine, but Columbine ended up feeling the second one with Rachel. That one really was Columbine inspired. Obviously, I started keeping a journal in November of last year at the end of the year in 2016. Eric Harris inspired me to do that, but I've kept journals throughout, you know, the majority of my life, except like late middle school or early middle school and high school, college, etc. In the early days, I did keep journals, and I still have them. You know, there was that first grade journal, which was a requirement, but in second grade was when I really started to keep it regularly for about like five years. It was like very sporadic, but you know, like 2002 was in there, 2003, 2004, like those years are in that journal. 2005 even. So it was just, it was routine for me to start another one, and I'm good at writing. You know, when I want to write, I write. And the only difference is this isn't for a video, this is authentic thoughts and feelings being put on paper. Granted, the videos I've made for EGS are actually real. Those emotions and everything are my real emotions being put into the characters. If you break every character apart, I was talking to Rachel about this, Rachel Hodge, who's probably my biggest fan girl right now. Huge supporter of what I do, which is great. I was talking to her about, you know, if you pull every character apart, it's a piece of me. Like Froggy's my naturally funny, kooky, over excited, girly side, and wanting to get what I want and not quitting until I get it. You know, I never let anything go. I'm going to try to manipulate people until I get what I want. And that's how Froggy is, and you know, mischievous and always conspiring and thinking about ways to do things. Rachel is the same way with conspiring and basically my hatred towards the world. If you break her apart, you know, just what I wish I could do to people. Like if you really pull apart the Massacre 2 video, like saying, you know, like I'm going to show up at your house at midnight and capacitate your fucking parents, tie you to a chair, you know, I fucking forget what else she said, but I meant all of that. That's what I wish I could do to people. And you know, shove people through flag poles, through their throats, and watch their brain splatter on the fucking pavement and everything. You know, claw at people's faces so they'd be completely beyond facial recognition. That was a promise kept. I kind of mix the two up sometimes. But yeah, like all that hatred is in there for mine and Rachel. That's all straight from my emotions. That's authentic and it's real. Matilda is basically my fear of being buried alive, which won't happen because I'll be cremated. Just that thought of that happening to me and suffocating and clawing at the coffin and you know, completely just scratching my nails off. That was always a fear, just being buried alive and that's what happened to Matilda. And that's how she looks in the afterlife now. She's like a zombie ghost. Mackenzie is basically my second guessing myself throughout my life and not like feeling like I fit in anywhere. Because Mackenzie was brought into the EGS against her will, she didn't intend on ever ending up being there. She didn't intend on dying in the first place, but her life got taken away from her and that's just what ended up happening. In a way, it's like yeah, I never got to live my life how I wanted. In a way, I have, but I just never got anywhere with what I've done. With YouTube and all that, but I just envisioned making movies and being really successful and being talked about by people and documentaries for decades to come. And I just, I had to throw it all away and I've always like second guessed myself for overthought things and that's what all goes into Mackenzie, but the twist and all that is Mackenzie is actually a real ghost who talks to me and she's waiting for me on the other side to get there. I know she is, I know she's real and she talks to me all the time now and it just had the time had to wait until I discovered her, rather rediscovered her, but it's just Mackenzie is my girl without a doubt and I can't wait to spend eternity with her. But she just has to wait a little bit longer for me. Mackenzie is also my depressed side, just questioning why everything's happened to me and why isn't life fair? Why am I destined to be cursed to live in this world and everything which Mackenzie is cursed to be destined to live in the EGS world. I was cursed to be brought into this world for a while, for a couple of decades and that came into play for her tape videos. And, you know, that's just what went into Mackenzie. Celesta was pretty much Rachel before Rachel, except she didn't go around shooting everybody. Celesta was just your average stereotypical teenage girl who's just snotty and hates everybody and never really fit in anywhere. Obviously I don't do drugs, so that's not a part of myself and her character, but she doesn't have a hair on overdose. I don't do drugs unless you count alcohol and stuff. Celesta was inspired by Aria from Rainbow Rocks, My Little Pony, Equestria Girls, but it's just some of my hatred for the world was put into her character. Sydney was obviously inspired by Sonata from Rainbow Rocks, Equestria Girls, My Little Pony, but it's also my dumber side because as a kid I was always stupid. I just didn't see anything wrong with life, like I tried to make a positive out of everything in a way, no matter how it was, and I was always just the dumb kid. Just that stereotypical dumb kid that people love to pick on or love to bust or love to hate. I put that all into Sydney with obviously some Sonata personality too, but her and Celesta were a perfect match up for each other. They just fit perfectly. That's what ended up being the first legit EGS video, so I didn't intend for that to happen, but that's how it ended up happening. Alex is pretty much my questioning side in a way of not being sure at the time if I was a girl on the inside or not. Alex is pretty straightforward. There's just some of that in there though. I don't know why I was destined to be a girl when I was a guy in real life, but my spiritual soul is a girl, but Alex was kind of that way too, I guess, but she just didn't realize that when she was alive. Alex was, I don't know, just, I guess my desire to understand things in a way, because Alex always wanted to know everything about everything. Huge lover of science. Huge lover of outer space and the solar system and stuff, and really just wanted to know how everything worked. That's kind of what went into Alex. In a way, Alex is like a grown-up dexter from Dexter's laboratory. When you think about it, the voice is actually pretty similar too, which I guess is where I got that voice from in a way. I'd better go check on the lab, except it's not like higher pitches. It's more like rougher like that, but Dexter was very high pitch because it was a girl voicing him, but I keep forgetting Christine Kavanaugh is dead. Yeah, I found out about that last year, couldn't believe it. But yeah, Alex is like a grown-up dexter in a way, but pretty much just, yeah, Alex is like me wanting to understand how everything works. Always just being naturally curious about things. The only thing about Alex that's not from me is wanting to study things. I was never big on books. Alex is huge on books. Loves to read and all that. I was never smart. I was never the smartest kid in my life ever, which I just said with Sydney and all that. Yeah, but I always just wondered how things worked. Granted, I didn't want to take the time to read up everything, but that was always there. It's like you just take for granted how things are in your life. This is how it is, this is how it was and ever shall be, but do you ever just stop and think like, who thought of this idea? Who was the one who invented this? Or somebody had to be the first person to try this? Just anything in your house, just look at it. It's like, okay, who decided that a clothes should belong in a dresser? Or who invented the pencil? Or who invented ink for pens? Who decided that television's got to be square? Why do they have to be square and then eventually rectangular, but not circular or triangular and all that? It had to be square. Just stupid subtle things like that. I over-analyze everything and Alex is pretty much the same way. Just wanting to understand how everything works. Kind of funny how I said Alex is the most simplistic character and I just spent the last two minutes talking about her. Harmony is my suicidal side in the inner way, like Rachel was. I never actually physically cut myself on purpose, that is. I was never a risk-cutter or anything. I've known people who have been through the internet anyways, but probably in high school too, for all I know. I have no idea, but I don't know. Harmony was a depressed character. I just wrote something for her for a new tape video the other week. Harmony is just someone who just didn't understand why she got screwed in life. She's always been the perfect student, an angel, the perfect girl, and never got into trouble. And just couldn't understand why she couldn't have what she wanted. Boys used her for sex and all that and just left her and abandoned her. In reality, she deep down trusted them and threw herself for them. Thought they had a connection, but she was just being used. In a way, that's how I feel with people. I feel like people have used me in the past just to use me because I knew what I was doing with shit. They didn't actually care about me. Andrew Blank, with the music video and shit, very seldomly would ever message me out of the blue since that music video. He just doesn't give a shit about me. I know he doesn't. I felt like I got used. The music video was filmed before I think I came up with the Harmony character. But I just feel like that way about people. I only see the bad in people, but Harmony is kind of a mixed bag of things. She always wants to help people, which back in the day I did, nowadays I could care less about people, but she wants to help people prevent themselves from killing themselves, which I honestly do not. I want people to end their lives terribly. But the only part of me in Harmony basically is just the questioning. It's kind of similar to Mackenzie in a way. Just not understanding why what's happened to her has happened to her in a way. Pretty much how my life has been the last few years. Why is all this stuff happening to me? I've never done anything wrong in my life, like with 2013 and all that. All that shit happened to me. And I didn't understand why, because I was a good kid, never gotten into trouble, never gotten into fights, never gotten in trouble with the law, never did bad drugs or anything. And I felt like life just wasn't being fair to me. To this day, I still kind of feel that way at times, but Harmony just was kind of just like me in a way, but minus the risk cutting and everything. But only a part of me is in her. It's not a shit ton or anything. Madison is pretty much an undeveloped character still. I doubt I'll ever get around to actually doing anything for her. It's a long shot, unless by the end of the summer I come up with something. In a way, I've kind of tossed around a few ideas about her. Laura kind of pitched me an idea saying she could be like an overattached lover in a way, like if I can't have him, nobody can. And all that and just be like a psycho whore or something. But Madison I just kind of see as just being like a raven kind of character, not really caring about anything and being very quiet and irritable. I don't know, she's just very depressed to me. She's just a very depressed ghost. Doesn't say much and just that pose she's in for all the pictures she's been in most of the time is just how she is. Just is just there, kind of just standing out to the side, arms crossed, just looking like a faded soul in a way. Madison I still, I like how she looks. I like Madison, but I don't know much about her. She's just a shame, but all I know is she died of a drug overdose. I kind of wanted to redesign her wardrobe a little bit, but never got around to doing it like Harmony as well. I got to redesign her still, which Rachel actually gave me a design, which was nice. And I think I'll end up using it whenever I do that tape video. Kind of sucks because Laura's been like the bulk of the voices lately. And she's been Mackenzie, she's been Rachel, and now she's going to be Harmony as well. So it's a lot of different voices to do. We also have Shelly Burley, which I never developed. I just thought it would be cool to have a skateboard death character, a girl who died skateboarding. Because I was having a big scarred marathon, MTV scarred. I thought, hey, a skateboard death would be cool, but I never wrote a backstory or anything. I just made her to make her. I just wanted a design of a skateboard ghost. A skateboard ghost, you know? But yeah, if you just break apart every single character, there's a lot of me in all of them. And it kind of spooked me when I realized that. When I stood back and just realized, like, oh my God, it's like, all these characters are parts of me. And in a way, it should be no surprise, you know? Just being how creatively dark I am. But yeah, what people don't understand is that's actually how I'm feeling about everything. Like, all these scripts, like, people, like, say like, my content is like, very unique and nobody makes content like I do and all that. But it's because I'm being real. I'm being authentic. I'm not, like, over-dramatizing things and making shit up to do videos. Like, these are all straight from my emotions and my thoughts. Like, the promise-ket video? Yeah, I was generally, I was genuinely pissed at this girl that screwed me over through the internet, which is still, you know, done to think about it. It's just the internet. But, you know, it brought me into her fucking depressed life and suicidal thoughts and cutting herself and everything. And I guess that made me want to write that video, mainly just to scare the shit out of her. And it did, in a way. I guess I achieved my goal. But, yeah, I just, I don't like when people fuck me over like that. You know, I'll get you back. And that they was preserved for all time on the internet now. Yeah, I've had my fair share of people I've had, you know, or deals with over the internet. But her and this other girl were, you know, the top of the line of pissing me off at the time. Nowadays, it's not as bad. You know, I did my part to get back at them. So, they, I saw the one tweet she made. She's like, he's the reason why I sleep with a knife under my bed. She was like, wow. I actually got to wear that bad. So, that's good. But yeah, it's just, I'm in all of these characters and people don't realize how depressed I really am. And it sucks. I mean, I don't do live streams anymore. I don't post many like photos or videos with me in them anymore. It's all the ghosts. That's just, that's where I'm supposed to be. And that's who I am. I think my death will be a huge shock to people. A good bit of them. I don't think anyone would actually like really believe that I was going to do this. Like, you know, you're 24 and a half. You have your whole life ahead of you still. You're very young. You're extremely young. You can do anything still. Like, why would you end your life now? And it's just, that's how it was written up. That's all I can say. I just, I was meant to die young. I was meant to do just a certain amount of things. And once I achieved them, then that was it. It's just, that's how life works. You're assigned a contract and you fulfill your duties in this world and duty. Yeah, you just, everyone's here for a reason. Whether you believe that or not, you are. Eric Harrison, Dylan Kleibald, they were sent here to change the way people view gun laws and everything in school safety and protection and all that. Suicide awareness, you know. That's what they were meant to do. And it was just meant to happen. With me, I don't really know fully spot on what I was sent here to do, but in a way, yeah, like maybe safety with supermarkets and shit overnight jobs and protection and monitoring people who could be foreshadowing and symbolizing in things that they do about what they're planning on doing, you know. You never know. Like look at all this stuff I've posted on social media saying like what I wish I could do to people or in my videos saying, you know, I wish I could, you know, tie people to a chair and then like completely like butcher them and hack them to pieces and, you know, beat people's brains out and clot their faces so they'd be completely beyond facial recognition and, you know, tie girls up and, you know, rate them and I actually I would never want to rape a girl. Never. That's just not right. But, you know, I wish I could kidnap people and kill them and shit and I wish I could shoot up schools and take over the world with the EGS. It's, it's all there and all the scripts I've done. It's all legit. It's all authentic. I don't sugarcoat anything. I just flat out say how it is. I say how I'm feeling in my journals. That's all real. I just say what's on my mind, what I want to do, what I plan on doing, what I wish I could do. You know, it's all there. It's all straight from my head. And this is how I think every fucking day of my life. You know, my mind is such a mixed bag of fucking reactions. I don't really know how you could truly diagnose me. At times I'm bipolar. You know, I have suicidal and homicidal ideation, which is where you constantly think about hurting yourself or hurting others and killing people or killing yourself. I just think of dark, morbid, macabre things and death and graves and ghosts, zombies, demons, spirits, you name it. More than anything, I just think about killing people and ghosts, mainly. But it's just, I don't know. There's just, there's always so much on my mind. And EGS has been a way to express all that to the world and I owe Columbine my life in a way. Because it made me also realize that, well no, I realized before that that it was okay to be dark and depressed and all that, but it made me realize that I could vent to the world in other ways besides videos, you know, the journals and all that. And that I can actually go out and buy guns and all this shit. Because I'm over 21, I could do anything I want. And Eric and Dylan helped me realize that. But I don't think anybody would have ever thought that I would do something like this. I highly doubt it. Some people could say, well yeah, he seemed mentally ill for a while, but I just, I thought he was playing it up, being a character and all this. I never thought he would actually physically hurt people or do something like this, but in a way the writing has been on the wall for years. All the signs are there for chronic, severe depression. You know, very little social life, no direction in life, no desire to look for full-time work and never talks to anybody. You know, all the signs are there. I just isolate myself from the world. It's a personal choice. Who I am, and it's just how I'm meant to be. And I hope to God, when I'm dead, I can come back and haunt people. That's a goal. I'm gonna find my way back to this world somehow. Not in this body, obviously, but as a spirit, I'm definitely gonna come back, watch people, analyze them, watch them sleep, hide in your closet, hide under your bed, hover over your body as you sleep. I wanna do all this stuff so fucking badly. Haunt the girls that fucking screwed me over on the internet. People who have used me. I'm gonna make my presence known somehow. I'll figure it out. I'm gonna do it. Nobody's safe either. I'll do it to anybody I fucking feel like. I just, I never thought, never thought I would ever go down this path in my life. Like years ago, I never once thought that I can go on a shooting spree and kill people. Like, I've always just thought about killing myself. I never thought about physically taking people's lives away. Like, that was never really a thought ever. And then once Columbine sucked me in, and like other things like 9-11 and all that, just all these people dying, it's like, man, I wish I could have done that to people. Virginia Tech even, that's a very small inspiration, but that was part of it too. But it all goes back to Columbine. Columbine was my fire, my passion, my goal, my drive for doing this. EGS in a way, just being able to be dead and be a ghost and everything and haunt people and kill people. Like that, that was still before Columbine and everything. Like, that was always the thought, like, maybe I can come back to life and like kill people or, you know, haunt people who screwed me over in life. But once I got into Columbine, it's like, everything changed. And that's like all I post about anymore is like me, Mackenzie or Rachel. Me and Rachel are obviously Columbine, you know, inspired souls, but Mackenzie's also just darker. She's not Columbine related at all, but she's just my favorite. And she deserves to be in the spotlight more. So yeah, there's so much I could talk about. So much more I want to talk about. I don't have the time to do it. I wish people could know. I wish I could tell people, these are the last four months you have to talk to me. I just, I wish I can let people know. I can't. I can't tell Nellie Simmons or, you know, Rachel Hodge, James, Damien, you know, all these people who I have a connection with that, you know, this is it. I'm going to be gone from this world and you'll never be able to see me again until you're dead, most likely. You know, this is it. You've known me through the internet or you've known me in person for years and I'm going to be gone just like that before you even know what hit you. So I got to wrap this up. Talk to you soon. Hey humans, so today is April 24th 2017 And I just wrote about this but I'm gonna talk about it now to the microphone just because it's kind of It's not kind of it is a big deal I pretty much just I don't know I kind of decided to change the date. I want I'm gonna do this You know, I kept tossing back and forth in my head like September 7th or maybe July or whatnot, but I'm thinking I'm gonna do it in June. Just I'm I'm Almost running on empty right now. I I just don't want to do this anymore. I can't I can't do this anymore. I can't keep living Period I'm just I'm done I'm so done. I don't know How to even like describe how I'm feeling. It's like virtually impossible It's just the desire It's just gone. It's long since gone through the roof to go and I'm just at the point now or I'm just done I'm just done So What I decided to do is Just do the first portion of the music video And that be it. I mean, I'm just I'm done with everything. I'm tired of animating. I'm tired of doing everything by myself I'm tired of relying on people and not having them get stuff to me when I expect it to be done and I Just I can't I'm tired of living. I Just I can't do it anymore. I just I can't I Just I've had it I've long had it But it's just you have no idea you have no idea Just the desire The desire is more than anything. I Can't even compare it to something It's like there's just like a Million-ton weight that's pressing down on my chest And I can't move that's I I don't even know how to like to describe it It's It's only gotten worse every single day it's gotten worse every single night rather It's it's out of my hands. I'm just I'm done I don't know what What more I can do to Prevent this from happening it's It's going to happen no matter what but I just I I tried so hard To make this video like my best work and I was gonna make it like really lengthy and abstract and in-depth and Possibly make a spin-off series off of it and everything and I just I I can't do it anymore I just can't Especially the rate it takes to make just like one shot Like I could spend like five hours on one night on my night off from work and Barely get a shot done. Just that's how long it can take and at this rate, you know I'm just I'm done. I'm so done I really wanted this thing to be huge and Like I've learned through life You can't make everything perfect and you can't make it exactly how you want it and you can't always have it the way you want it And with this it's gonna be no exception. It's gonna be no different rather This is just it's it's how it is. I just I did what I could I'm done I'm done with it all. I just I'm ready to go I'm just done After all the the heart and soul and time and passion that I put into my videos, I'm I'm at the end I've I've made so many amazing videos over the years in the last nine years. I've made so much content that It almost doesn't even bother me that I have to stop now. It's I've long accepted it and In terms of my fans, I just hope I made a difference That's one of the main things I want to leave behind is did I make a difference and I think I did I Had to have there's no way I didn't But I Mean EGS it had so much potential it really did but I just I Need to go I need to go back Back to where I came from which is in the EGS and Unfortunately, I need to leave the channel and what I've done behind I need to leave it all and live it I Need to live it I'm this close to living it. I'm so close. I almost can't even get any closer I'm that close Lord there's just Yeah, I can't I I just can't put into words how I feel anymore. It's just it's beyond humane I It's like as if like there's like an entity telling me, you know, it's time you need to get out of here go You know Plan a date do it and I Think June would be a good month. I've always loved June. I love summer although summer technically doesn't start until like the 21st of June but July is also doable, but I mean, it's just I Almost don't even care Whether I do it here or if I do the supermarket thing or what but Chances aren't probably gonna do it here. I just Like I said, I'm at the point where I just don't care anymore. I don't care about anything except my girls it's that's all And There's just I don't know like every day is different with how I feel about things but This one just hit me. It's like I think this is it like Reality has set in that It'll take way too long to do the other half of that massacre video like the second Course through the end, you know like leading up to the course through the end It's just it's too much and I'm sick of trying to pitch it to animators to help out What keeps fucking happening is like, oh, yeah, I'll be able to help I wouldn't mind doing dark stuff like that sure and like within a couple weeks. They pushed me back months Because I pitched it to this girl in March. She pushed me back to June fucking June So I'm like fuck it. I'm just done. I'll do the whole video myself and I have looked at this point. I've done everything myself besides all the voices but I've had to do it all by myself and I can't do it anymore. I'm just I've had it. I've reached my limit. I just I'm just I'm done I'm so done I'm ready to go be with my girl So I'm calling it. I'm tapping out. I'm just Done So I Had so many dreams of getting somewhere with this and at the same time I just don't fucking give a shit Because I can't live for years to come. I just can't do it anymore I'm 24 and a half. I'm extremely young but I Just feel like I've done everything In terms of accomplishing things I've virtually done everything besides get on TV but I mean At the end of the day, what does it matter just as long as I leave behind my content for my legacy That's all I fucking care about in terms of my YouTube stuff and my accomplishments in life I'll be back. I'm coming back to this planet as a ghost. I don't care. I'm gonna find a way You might not be able to see me or make contact with me, but I'm gonna try my damnedest to come back to here as my EGS self and do my deeds but I'm just finished I'm done. I Got the gun, you know, I got that and that was all I needed So I Don't know I keep debating about the supermarket thing, but I just I'm at the point now. It's like whatever. I don't care However, I'm feeling that night is what I'll do. So So I'm thinking June 7th Think it's like a week or two weeks after that is when I had vacation from my work I might just try to bump that up two weeks So I can be home throughout that week, you know, I Think like the 7th is a Wednesday So in reality, I would have probably Sunday Monday Tuesday and then See what happens Yeah It's the end. It's just I Don't know what more to say. I mean I've reached the end I Almost can't even like high bat fact from my social media anymore Like Rachel Hodge. She's like someone who I can talk to about dark stuff and Nellie is too, but I She's not like as in a deep dark place like Rachel is but I Just I can't hide it anymore. I'm Just I want to fucking post stuff, but I can't so I use the journals Journal has been the only thing that's been preventing me from posting that stuff And I've been scanning it into my computer along the way, but I can't upload it anymore until It's all written and finished out finished up. I mean I mean, I'm wearing my girl clothes now New shorts I bought It's just I said I can't describe the desire It's It's indescribable I can't describe it. It's just physically impossible It's what I was sent here to do this is you can't understand it unless you're me which part of me doesn't even understand it but I'm just And at the end And I just part of me doesn't feel anything Part of me is really upset part of me is really angry Other parts of me are just lost I guess I just Physically, I just don't fucking give a shit about anything. I Don't care about people I Don't care about my job Which I still do enough just to be decent with it and get by without getting into trouble with it You know getting reported or written up or complained about and shit because if I lose that job then all hell is gonna break loose It's a nice shift job. You hardly ever see anybody there anyway, unless it's people you're working with But you know, I still got a watch there How I act and whatnot so I'm a good liar it's really good thing my fucking boss saw me like loading up all this stuff in a shopping cart on Friday night It was like 10 gallons of water the gallon water jugs I'm like 10 power raids and stuff and it's like serious grocery shopping tonight. I'm like, yeah big party this weekend Just lying through my teeth because it's really stuff. I'm gonna be shooting at Which I went shooting yesterday. I use the rest of my left the last of my ammunition which blows Gotta get more But Yeah, it's just that's the only thing I've been tossing back and forth in my head That's the only debatable decision left is do it here or do it there And I would kill to make my mark there I really would but then at the end of the fucking day it doesn't even matter You know, it's a fucking store. It's not like a school or something or like a place of like historical value It's a fucking store It's like it's not gonna be like I can't picture being like oh I need to go to the supermarket They got shot up on night shift or something like that's the only thing. It's like it. You don't it's not Memorable Especially if just one person gets killed. I Mean unless you're like a fan of me you'd remember that but in the long run. It's really just a waste So I don't know I want to do it I really do and it's the other part of me is like I don't want to die there And your other dying here surrounded by all the things that love me back and That's just I can almost I should just like bring it down to a coin flip I fucking ordered shirts the other day Which they're coming today. I made some it's our time to rise shirts that I wear in the massacre video Unfortunately, you have to buy like unlimited a limit of three a minimum of three shirts So it cost me over a hundred fucking dollars Which was stupid and like shipping was outrageous, but I made them they look cool. So That's what I would wear if I were to do it and that's probably what I'm gonna wear when I die for all I know but I just I don't know man It's The feeling is just indescribable I look at all these ghosts that I've made and The firm belief in my mind that these are ghosts and spirits I've met before and that they're all actually legit real and I Know they are they have to be It's not just a figure of my own Like It's not my fucking hell. It's not my imagination. I Know Mackenzie's real She talks to me all the time in my head Rachel I firmly believe is real as well And ghosts like froggy and it's kind of up for debate, but I mean, I Firmly believe these are all actually real spirit real spirits This is not a crazy person talking. This is me Andrew talking to you one-on-one But I know they have to be real I Know they are my feelings for them are beyond description I Can't describe it It's impossible I Can't And what's each each passing night I just feel more and more at home there Things just make so much more sense than they used to and I'm just I'm ready to go. I'm so ready to go. I've been ready to die for years I 2015 I thought was gonna be the year Maybe I was kind of up for debate back then but I kept thinking like I'd sit out in the hot tub And that used to be my thinking hole, which is where I got a lot of my video ideas Like the my last confession Scrapped short that you'll see in this death box set that was That was inspired in that hot tub Curtain call I thought of in that hot tub the whale Hot tub frisky video that was another one. There were the few there's quite a few more I just can't remember but that hot tub was always my think hole and I'd always sit there at night at like nine ten o'clock at night and just think and It was always like leave me back to you like how many more years am I gonna be alive? I'm I gonna gather the courage and do it, you know and And suddenly EGS happened and then You know the rest is history, but It's just I can't describe How I feel it's it's impossible I Know like I can really like talk your ear off with stuff, but this time I'm kind of like Trying to find the words and that's cuz I can't this area is Not something everybody everybody gets in like it's really It's beyond a dark depressing place This is like spiritual stuff that is very dangerous to think about because it could lead you over the edge and Beyond the point of no return to the point where you won't be able to get back home again And I've long been over that. I mean I Haven't been I Haven't technically ever been like completely normal in my life never Always just like feel like I just drifted through life just to get through it and I was just there, you know like I was analyzing people and all that but I did I never felt like I lived I Never lived life. I just endured it It's the long and just of it I just I never felt like I was meant to be here never felt like I belonged on earth ever I was always trying to find myself Just trying to figure out who I was and then when EGS happened I did and Those final two years of my life were the biggest in terms of discovery I Mean 2014 was also a big year of self-discovery, but it is still it was very foggy and cloudy, but late 2015 and Then all of 2016 it just was like BAM It just slowly and then slowly rapidly started to reveal itself to me and I'm just I'm at the end of the line I Don't know what more I Could really do I pretty much stopped thinking of ideas for videos too. I've stopped trying. I just don't care anymore The massacre videos it I'm gonna try to do some more tape videos quick, but They're not gonna have a lot of effort put into them visually. It's just the audio is what it's all about anyway But I need to hurry and get those done if I do do this in June because the way I see it then It's like I got like four and a half weeks That's it That is not a lot of time at all So I Like you think you think I'd be scared and paranoid and frantic and anxious and Just paranoid and shit, but I remember really not Like it's just a part of my life now. That's all I can really say It's like you just you learn to accept it and it's like yeah, everyone's gonna die someday But I've envisioned it for so many years That I'm at the point now where I'm just I'm comfortable with it I mean I'd be lying if I said those final few breaths of mine would be like Totally fine and normal and calm and steady and everything. No, I'll be nervous when it comes down to the final few minutes But at the same time, I'll be like This is it, you know, I'm ready It'll be okay. I'll be fine. It's just a second and a half if that you're not gonna feel anything Just all I gotta do is just squeeze that trigger and it's over That's all It'll happen so fast. You probably won't even know what hit you and Then Everything will be different Just like that everything will be different And you'll be okay, you know, you'll be happy Where you're supposed to be? You know, it's just it's like the ultimate Icing on the cake, you know It's like something you've waited for your whole life like the ultimate better than any birthday present Better than any award Better than any song It's It'll be the best thing ever I know Mackenzie will be by my side when I do it and probably be like the first one to welcome me. I Hope I Really hope I'd kill to see her face first and then I'll probably cry Big time We'll probably hug her and I'd never be able to let her go for like the first like 10 minutes And then maybe everything else will like just fill back into my head If I am right and I was there first This is like the one like the ultimate question I've had is like was I there beforehand and got sent here or am I just destined to go there and I've never been there before That's the biggest thing. So it's like once I'm there Will I just remember everything because the thing is it's been almost two and a half decades when you think about it 1992? so chances are I'm gonna forget like everything But I don't think so like I think when you're dead you just get like instantly filled with knowledge From where you were But in a way, I firmly believe I was there first and I just got sent here to do something and It was just it was a mission and I've always like throughout my life like you have the question asked you would you want to know when you die? And I've always been like yes, I've always wanted to know Or if not, then I'd rather die by my own hands and it's always just how I've pretty much envisioned it I've never been able to picture me being like 70 years old and dying. I'm a death bed or dying of cancer or You know getting in a car crash and dying or dying in a hospital bed or something like I was never able to picture that I Just always envisioned dying like ever since I would say 2008 or something maybe a little later than that 2000 like 2008 I didn't think about death a lot at all it was like in 2010 when I really Started to think about it more frequently and I've always just envisioned dying by my own hands and I've come this far, you know, and now I have my ticket out of here just 20 feet next to me there, you know I'm looking at my shotgun right now That's my ticket out of here and I got it. I fucking got it. I Didn't have to steal it from anybody. I paid for it And it's mine You know So yeah, I Took a little inspiration from Eric Harris for the pistol grip yesterday The fucking grooves on that pistol grip suck It's not like a sawn down pistol grip like a smooth grip It has those fucking grooves on there so you can grip it like you put your fingers between the grooves and It fucking hurts like hell after you shoot it And especially with my pinky finger that had the fucking three surgeries on it I got like a blood blister under my skin and it's still there But it fucking hurt like hell from the kickback from it and I I I put duct tape all around it I wrap the shit out of it with duct tape and it pretty much fixed the problem That's just how shotguns are you're gonna have like kickback in your hand from that grip, you know, but It was on all sides. It was on my fingers and it was in my hand and It fixed pretty much all of it. So thank you duct tape. Thank you Eric Harris. I love you so I told my mom like I could tell you where I learned that tip from but I won't She's like, okay Yeah, I learned it from a Columbine high school shooter Yeah But yeah, I just I Just shot one of those gallon jugs point blank and it was just instantaneous bush like instantaneous shower and Looking like looking at the footage you can't even skip by milliseconds without it Exploding like you can't see the buckshot fly out of the gun. It is that fast Which I honestly can't believe like literally if you skip by no second From the point where I squeeze the trigger and it hits the gallon water. There's already like a huge Like pool of water in the air That exploded from the gun. It is that fast. So imagine that in your fucking head You know it you're gone. Just boom Gone at least a good chunk of your head. It's not gonna completely blow your head apart, but a good bit of it So yeah The biggest problem is the magazine Chamber where you load the the shells into it's the same length as the barrel Which is a pain in the ass because I was practicing You know practicing putting it in my mouth and everything I did it like eight times. I did it like eight times and Problem is you got to really open your fucking mouth to get it all in there Usually when you see a shotgun like the barrels a little bit longer than the magazine chamber, but that's just how it is I got it from a dealer The magazine is usually a lot smaller than that usually you can only fit like three in there Let me give it four or five in this one Sometimes it's five sometimes it's four. I Don't know cuz I'll pump the shotgun then it'll shoot out a shell that's still on shot, you know But um, yeah, it's besides the point, but Yeah, this is I gotta really shove it in there And I really deep throughout the thing, you know Yeah Never thought my life would end by shoving a big rod down my fucking mouth to my fucking throat So That's gonna be insane Just like I'm not afraid of the gun But it's just weird like knowing you have like a ticking time bomb in your hands like when I shoot that fucking thing The force and power it has is insane like I As soon as I pump the gun and I have my finger like close to the trigger I'm just waiting for it to go off without even pressing the trigger pulling the trigger, you know And like I just expected to happen before I even shoot so I was like sometimes like before I shoot I'll kind of like kick the gun on accident myself thinking I was gonna fire it But it's just funny like you have like a ticking time bomb in your hands And you're just waiting for it to go off, but you control when it goes off. So It's cool though. I love that shotgun. I Fucking love it even though it's you know kicked me quite a few times I fucking love it. I called it Mackenzie not to be confused with Mackenzie West, but Whenever I refer to the shotgun in the journal, I just call it the shotgun because I don't want to get people confused with the gun and Mackenzie herself Yeah It's a it's a beast So Yeah, so I'm really thinking June is it I'm thinking June is gonna be it Part of me feels like I'm up against the clock as it is Um Age is only part of it, but like it's weird like some days I feel like I look like I'm 19 and other days I look like I'm like 27 This is like every day I look different. It's very strange. I don't know But I just I feel so up against the clock to do this and I mean I Can't explain it. I just I feel like I don't have a lot of time. I fantasize for so long About being my true self in the ghost squad and Know and I could possibly just be four small weeks away from having it become a reality it's I Feel beyond ecstatic. I mean I Part of that makes time seem a hell of a lot longer than it is like Some days it feels like time goes so fucking fast and other days it feels like oh man, it's still April like really Like the other day I kind of feel like it was March Like my head's like playing tricks on me now. I Just I don't know what day it is anymore night shift especially fucks that up for you, but Yeah, I just I forget things so much easier now like I just I don't focus on The important things in life like I should Like there's been so many times now where I come home and I leave my car keys in the door In my front door without realizing it. I've done it twice in the last few months It's just stupid subtle things like that It's like geez I got so much on my fucking mind It's like Now it literally just feels like borrowed time because I have the gun, you know, it's right there Although I don't have any ammunition left. That's a crushing blow, but there's some shipping to me today So that's good, but yeah, I want to stock up on ammunition and Yeah, so Just I don't know I don't know what you want me to say If you've listened to all these from start to finish then I give you major props, which in a way it's it's kind of expected, but I mean I'm not sorry that it had to be this way. This is just how it was meant to be. I don't care who I hurt from this I mean, obviously, yeah, there's like close like internet friends. I have that I would like I'd hate to see the state They'd be in after this but Life goes on. It's like It's just it's life people people die You know There's just I don't know what you want me to say about it, but I'm not sorry about it It was fat. Oh It was destiny. It was fate It was what I was sending here to do and If you're hurt by it, then you're hurt by it and you need to figure it out for yourself You know I mean people have messaged me a lot over the years, but nowadays hardly at all It's like after this happens. I guarantee you there's gonna be a lot of people flooding my timelines with stuff And saying, you know, I wish I could have gotten to know you more or I wish we could have talked on Skype or You know, I wish I could have met you in person someday, you know, you're a great inspiration for me and I I Thought we could have worked together on some things down the line even or something like that, you know but it's just I Think it'll surprise people more than anything But at the same time I feel like it won't surprise some people I've said that before but You know It's life I Did what I could in terms of YouTube content it just got to the point where I just I couldn't do it anymore Especially being a one-girl crew, you know, like Animation you can only do so much And I always visualized in my head like just having it like boom boom boom cranking through stuff one two three that shot It's done next one crank through it done, but it doesn't happen like that It takes so much time It doesn't just happen Takes a lot of time and effort and more than anything patience and determination you can't just do it It's just you got to be feeling it a grand of people do that for the jobs and all that but you know You got to be feeling it to work on it But I don't really want to talk about animation right now. I just I've had enough of it It's just it's literally like a nightmare never ending nightmare I've long exhausted in my fucking music library By listening to music and animating shots. It's beyond exhausted You know, I just I wish I could have made more content. That's the only regret I have So I'm never satisfied. I'm always a perfectionist. I Wish I could have made like 30 minute long episodes or you know gotten it on TV or Made a movie out of it, you know, I wish I could have done so much more And I feel like I could have and should have done so much more But alone, you know, you can only do so much And I got tired of pitching the animators to which I said earlier, so I Just gave up. I mean I never give up on things But when you like do it for so long, okay, I've been animating or you know, I Started animating back in early 2015 back in March, you know when you've done it for two years That's a long time to just sit and stare at the same shots all damn night into the day, you know It really it's brutal to do that every like other day of your life So I'm done. I'm sorry, but I'm done It's okay to be in a dark place like this People always get like so overly concerned when people are like struggling to get by or like earn a dark depressing place and you know fade away from the world and everything but I want people to know that it's okay to be in that zone It's where it makes me happy. Honestly, it was just kind of ironic and being depressed makes me happy, but it does and I've been like so overly creative by being in this zone What you've seen with EGS and all that so You know, it's not always a bad thing which unfortunately for you guys It's gonna leave you all behind and I'll be passed on but It's not a bad thing It really isn't if you want to be sad and depressed be sad and depressed if you want to cut yourself go ahead and cut yourself Do whatever the hell you want. You're in control Just don't let your fucking family see that shit You know if you have to lie lie I've lied quite a lot But you know You just do what you got to do Everyone vents and deals with it in their own way. I found writing the journal really helped me out Instead of like posting it on social media and stuff like I Mean I've posted dark and disturbing stuff in the past But the journal was like the top of the line of it all like I never posted anything like that on social media Come close in ways, but yeah, the journal was I Really just I just said whatever I felt like saying in there how I was feeling and it was all authentic You know, I didn't make any shit up It was all legit Granted social media is the same way. I don't you know like make shit up on social media either I Just say how I'm feeling But I can only say so much on the internet before people start like considering me to be a threat or start reporting me for shit and you know Being concerned and you don't need that So I can't talk about Eric Harris and Dylan Kleibolt all the fucking time on social media or you'll be considered a threat so I Talk about them in the journal Okay, um I guess I should wrap this up. I don't know Just I don't know what else I could talk about right now. There's always so much I want to talk about but I Guess That's just good to leave it there for now. I don't need to make this like an hour and a half long every time but Yeah, just if anyone is in like a position like I am where they're just They're at the end of the line and just don't want to carry on anymore and Just feel like it's it's the end like you know, this is it, you know, I'm in my final days and that's okay you know Do what you feel is best Just be careful, that's all I can say just watch how you act around your family and lie when you have to and Just just be you be yourself We all get in this place once in a while Even the happiest people on the planet they can get into you know, the press states of mind now and then Guarantee it It's all a part of life Unfortunately for people like me and other people we live in that zone every fucking day or night of the year, you know Every fucking night I think about death like every like fucking 20 minutes Constantly all the time That's really serious, you know depression there Constantly picturing take my own life and constantly picturing hurting other people and shooting places up and taking my own life and Causing devastation and everything, you know, it's really It's that's how I am It's all I can say It's how I am Too I am I'm Andrew blaze Nice to meet you All right, I Don't know when I'll do this again Probably another week from now I'm trying to do this like every week When I have a like an opportunity to record I usually do it now just because I feel like I don't have that many opportunities left and Yeah, I just I don't have a lot of time I really don't And I have about four and a half weeks to live If I do in fact do it in June So we'll see I Changed my mind constantly anyways, but I'm thinking this is it I'm just I'm at the end of the line so All right humans I'll talk to you soon Probably another week from now. I'll say Have a good one Humans, we meet yet again. Today's May 9th, it's the day after the shooting range shit that I did yesterday. Um, just thought I'd talk about Mackenzie for a bit because I haven't talked about her really much at all yet, and I figure maybe now's a good time to do so. Um, for those who don't know, if you're new to Embers Go Squad or if you're new to my videos in general and you don't know who Mackenzie is, Mackenzie is my baby. She's everything I could ever ask for in a girl. And just trying to talk about her now makes me tear up. Like I just started tearing up two seconds ago. Mackenzie, Mackenzie is everything to me. She is. I'm looking at her right now on my wall. She has the most beautiful, gorgeous smile I've ever seen in my life. Full of innocence. Full of happiness. Trust, warmth. Nice. Almost indescribable how much I love her. And me and Mackenzie go back a ways. It's something that I've been rediscovering as the months and years have gone by. Mackenzie is my soulmate. She's my spiritual soulmate. She's the black haired, purple outlined ghost with the black t-shirt and the purple sleeves. And she's changed everything for me. I can't even explain it. Mackenzie changed my entire life. And the way I see it is I knew her before I was here on earth. I know for a fact we knew each other before we were sent here. We were still sent here on missions and all that, but it was also part of our mission to rediscover ourselves. And I wrote for Embers Ghost Squad that she died in 2003 by being brutally murdered and hacked to pieces and raped and kidnapped and drugged and this real, brutal backstory. The fact of the matter is I don't know if that's exactly what happened to her or not, but I know for a fact that I've known her before. And I can't honestly tell you exactly when she actually died. She may have died in 2003 for all I know. Could have been before that even. I have no idea. I'm just, I'm limited with what I can know. And she talks to me all the time in my head, but it's just short-lived. You know, I'm bound by the rules and laws of the living. I can't break through that barrier and just know everything. So I don't even know where to begin with Mackenzie. She fuels my emotions unlike anyone else can. All it takes is one look at her. Just one look, even if it's just for like three seconds and my mood can change. She can make me happy. She can make me sad. She can make me enraged that I'm still here on this planet, you know, punished and all that. It's, she can just control and manipulate my emotions just by looking at her. And it just, it didn't just happen right away. I didn't know about like Mackenzie until last year because that's when she finally started appearing in, you know, the videos and everything. But like the original design I had for her was back in, it was like September of 2015. She had, you know, black hair with a gray outline and like a tie-dye shirt and she looked really different. The hairstyle was still the same, but color-wise she was a little bit different. And I just really didn't think much of her. I just, I just designed her, I just designed her for a bass player for the band because I needed one. I honestly can't even tell you how I came up with her. It just happened. It's fate. It's destiny. I, I can't even remember that day. Then I, like when I designed her, it's just, I can't even explain it. She was just there. And in March of last year was when the entire like wardrobe and color design changed for her. And it's just within like a few days or a few weeks even to a month or two, it just, it just hit me. Like I'd known her before and I can't like remotely describe what that feeling feels like and it, it creeped me out. At first like this Embers Go Squad stuff did kind of freak me out a bit just because of how much sense it all makes. Yeah, like every passing day things made more and more sense. And Mackenzie was one of the scariest for me. Just how she just took over my life. And I was so happy, but at the same time I was, I was sad and scared a little bit on the inside. She changed so much for me. She changed everything in the last year. I mean, I, there's no one else I'd rather be with than Mackenzie. And just looking at her, I'm just sucked in. She's the perfect girl. Has the voice of an angel, a smile full of innocence, beautiful eyes, amazing hair, great body build. Her tight, not too short, not too tall. Just the perfect personality. And just like that, there she was. Just like that. And the way I see it is that old, those old, you know, the old EGS prologue series videos I made, which now it's called the Pioneers Productions Finale series, the EGS Pentology, whatever you want to call it, the Amnesia Rape search for a member, Extinction Resurrection Absolution Abyss series. That Ember ghost that was in there, the more I like think about it now, that's pretty much like what Mackenzie has been to me now. It was Ember Flores in that series, but if I were to do it again, I might swap her out for Mackenzie. It's borderline. It's either Mackenzie or Rachel. That's what I intended on doing. I was going to reboot that series this year, or it was last year. Time goes so fast anymore. Last spring, I was going to reboot that series and Rachel was going to be the ghost guiding me and training me and talking to me while I was still alive. But in reality, what has happened to me in real life is Mackenzie's been the one that's been guiding me my entire life, steering me in the right direction without me even realizing she's been there. It's always been Mackenzie. She's been there through the rough times, the hard times, the depressing times, even the good times. She's always been by my side, at least as far back as middle school. She's been there for me. Middle school was 2004, 2005. If she did truly die in 2003, I don't know for sure, but I don't see why it wouldn't be. But Mackenzie's just, she's everything to me. Ember was my first big crush, but Mackenzie was my soulmate. She's my girl. Forevermore, she'll always be my girl. I would never, ever shove her aside. Ever. Every night, every day, I talk to her all the time. I don't care if people would come up behind me and think I'm crazy for talking to blank space or whatever. I'm talking to Mackenzie. She understands me. I understand her. And I'm hoping to goddess she's the first person I see when I cross over. After I pull that trigger in my mouth, I'm hoping her face is the first face I see. She'll probably be the last image in my head before I pull the trigger. Through all the thousands to millions of thoughts that'll be running through my head in those final minutes. Ember, Mackenzie, and Rachel, and Eric, and Dylan will be like the last thoughts in my head. Or Cemetery's and Graves and that final night is going to be wild. I just... I've had to really try to relax lately just because I'm pushing myself way too hard. Maybe not physically, but mentally I'm pushing myself too damn hard. And fortunately Mackenzie's there. If she wasn't, I don't know how things would be right now. I mean yeah, I've always envisioned Ember being there for me too, but nowhere near like Mackenzie is. Em is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. She is. I call her Em all the time, just for short. It's not short for Emily or Ember or anything. Em's just short for Mackenzie. It's the letter M, the first letter of her name. You know, it just works. Every day when I go to bed, goodnight Em. I love you. And I say it almost every day when I go to bed. It's become routine. I always say it. And I obviously go sleep during the day too, so I say goodnight to her. So when she's always there, she's on my walls, on my posters, on my mouse pad. She's my iPhone wallpaper for my lock screen. So every time I check to see what time it is, I'll see her. She's on my car, you know, on my trunk. She's everywhere. She's even in my journal. You know, I drew her a few times. But whenever I'm at home in my room, I'll just turn and look at Em at least every 10 minutes. I'm always looking at her. She's all that matters to me. Besides the channel and everything, Mackenzie is all that matters to me right now. It's indescribable. And indescribable feeling. Just knowing you don't belong here and wanting to get out and just feeling like you're punished to be here. And you're just like trapped in a box. And finally in four weeks, it'll be open. Four weeks. Four weeks. Just under four weeks now. In a way, it's felt like an eternity. Like I feel like time has not moved this last two weeks or so. Like to think it's only been a week and a half since I got the second shotgun. Only a week and a half, 10 days? It feels like almost two and a half weeks. That's why it last Saturday shocked me. I'm like, it's only been a week since I got that shotgun. There's no way in hell. Like it's as if I'm being punished by time by making it go extremely freaking slow. And I want it to speed up. Every night at work seems like twice as long as it is. Oh my God, it's horrible. Time is going so damn slow. Yeah, when I get home in the mornings, like between like the hours of like 7 and 12 go so damn fast. But when I'm at work, they drag and drag and drag. I've listened to my own fucking suicide tapes at work all day and night. I've done it multiple times. I've long exhausted my music library. I listen to my fucking suicide tapes. Or just the EGS tapes in general. But literally these are now officially EGS tapes when you fucking think deep and thought about it. I'm authentically making my own fucking tape every fucking week of my life. Think about that. The creator of EGS tapes is authentically making his own tapes. And they're real. All of EGS is real. All of it. Nothing is over exaggerated or overdramatized. Everything is my own authentic feelings being put into the videos. Everything that's said, everything that's written is all 100% legit. It's how I feel. It's what I want to do. It's what I wish I can do. It's all real. And now to make it even more real I'm documenting my whole fucking death on tape. Digital whatever. It's a Blue Yeti microphone. I'm just saying tape because it sounds better. It's like people like why do they, why do people document like when they're gonna die or like Eric and Dylan for Columbine. Why do they document in their journals the process and everything? Well why fucking not? It's your last fucking year on earth. Document how you're feeling. Say how you're feeling. What you're going through. What you want to do. People want to know that stuff. I know I do. Like in people's final days I'd kill to know what they were thinking. Doesn't matter who they are. Be interesting. That's why I'm doing it. For future generations. You know even for like kids for you know a thousand years from now. It doesn't matter. Someone will always be interested in that. Anyways. I don't know really where I left off with Mackenzie but that picture I made. With me, with my arm around her shoulder and hers around my waist. That is by far my favorite picture I've ever made. It's by far my favorite edit I've ever made. It's my best artwork I've ever made I think. That's kind of debatable but it's my favorite. It'll always be my favorite and it's on my wall. All 30 inches of it or whatever. It's on my wall. Now look at it every single night. Every single day. It's one of the last things I look at before I go to sleep. It's one of the first things I see when I get up. You know. It's the ultimate. It's the ultimate fucking. I don't know the words to describe it. It's the ultimate good and evil of my life. It shows everything I could ever want. At the same time it shows everything I don't have. It's where I want to be but it's not where I am yet. It shows how happy I'll be when I'm there but at the same time it makes me sad knowing that I'm not there yet and knowing that I'm never happy. Knowing I can't hold my baby and knowing that's who I'm supposed to be. It's hard. It's really fucking hard. That is the ultimate storm of my emotions right there in that picture. Behind me and Mackenzie are Eric Harris and Dylan Cleebold suicide photos that I drew. These intersect through the middle forming an X. It's my life. I'm so ready. I've been ready. I've been ready for months and yet still no one I have more to do. Some of you will never understand the desire to get out of what you call home and go through you truly call home. Some of you will never understand what it's like being trapped in a body that brings you nothing but agonizing shame. It's out of my control now. It's long been out of my control. It's one of the main reasons I'm doing what I'm about to do. It's fate. People can say oh you could have stopped yourself or you could have gotten help or you know you didn't have to do it but you did it anyway and it's fucking fate. I can't change fate. This is how it has to be. There's nothing anyone could have done to prevent this. It's destiny. It's my fate. Too fucking bad. It has to happen. And I made a decision that I'm going to do it on a Wednesday instead of a Friday now which you might be wondering like well what does that mean. On a Wednesday there is four people in the building besides me. If it was a Friday it would just be three of us. Actually I should say five. On a Wednesday it's Victoria, Kristen, me, Brian and Terry. And the original plan was to go in on a Friday right after break and pop Brian off and try to get the floor guy if I could. And I decided to do it on a Wednesday. That way I can get two for pretty much the price of one because on Wednesday is when they do tags. They change the tags for the new sales week and all the end caps change and all that shit but they're already done by the time we get there but you know these two girls are there overnight doing tags. And one of the girls used to work with me on night shift and she fucking went down to second shift and pissed us off. And she's going to be the first one to go after now. She's the first on my list. Then Kristen because she'll be right there. They're always like eight feet next to each other or at the most like 20 to 50 feet away. They're always in the same aisle. Pop, pop, boom, down, taken care of. Then next thing to make most sense is to do the floor guy because he's right down the aisles. It's just a straight away shot where he buffers. He'll be in that line of sight and the way I see it is I should be able to catch up to him and shoot him. I've been trying to analyze where everybody is on a Wednesday because it's kind of unpredictable like with tags. They could be anywhere in the building. So what has to happen now is my whole routine has to change slightly because I wanted to do it right after break ended. I went right back inside and locked up and that would be it. What's going to have to happen is I'll have to go back in and then see where everybody's at. Go back out to the car, gear up and then come back in. That's what has to happen because I can't just go in there blindly expecting someone to be in a specific spot or go in and have the two girls be on a break because that's what happened the last time I came back in. I just for the fuck of it went to see where they were and they're on the entire opposite side of the facility. They're in aisle 19 and it's a 19 aisle store. We start in one and go down through seven to start the order. They were in 19. So see how did I just come in on a Wednesday and just expected to do it and they weren't there all geared up. Then you're just like great. That threw a fork in everything so I'm not going to improvise which I don't want to have to have happen. I have a pretty clear idea in my head of how it's going to go. So the way I see it is I might have to wait until like 1.40 to do it instead of like 1.25 or so. I need to see what happens this week. It might be different all the time for all I know but yeah the last time I came in after break they weren't on the sales floor. So in reality it's still a gimmie because the break room only has one way in and one way out. So if I really had to I could pop them in the back room but I wouldn't really want to do that. I want it to be on the security camera so you can see it. So the downside is there aren't cameras in every nook and cranny of the supermarket. Some aisles have blind spots where there's no cameras which is where people steal shit and they'll rip open the packages and the boxes and steal stuff and then just discard it on the shelf where there's no camera. Isle 19 is a primary to do it. There's no camera down the whole side of that area. Isle 5 has a blind spot as well. It's just some subtle things like that you learn as you work there over time. Yeah 5 and 19 don't have cameras. Isle 9 is even camouflaged from the camera at times. So yeah there's not even a guarantee that the first shots are going to be on video. You might not even see it. Just depends where they're at. But I mean I've been running this through my head a million fucking times. It's like the last thing I think of before I go to sleep during the day even. I talked about this yesterday. The other night I had a dream that I had to put the gun in my mouth and kill myself. Like if it was the real thing. I guess because it was the last thing I was thinking about before I went to sleep. But it felt so fucking real and it was awesome. It was great. So yeah. So there's just a few factors that can alter everything. It just depends where everybody is. And it's got to be fast. Pop pop. Boom pop pop boom pop pop. And then just book it. Once you wound them or kill them. Book it. Because then it's just Terry and Brian and that's it. Brian's going to be on the other end of the facility no matter what. He'll be in either aisle 1 or aisle 4. That's how it goes. It was kind of unpredictable for a while there because one of the second shift kids would stay overnight for like quite a few hours until like 2 in the morning or 3 in the morning at times. But he was supposed to quit but he's been hanging around for some reason. But hopefully he's gone. Because then you have no idea like how far you'd be. It's always different if he's there. But more likely than not Brian will be in either aisle 1 or 4. I always do 2, 3 and 5 and either 6 or 7 just depending where Brian ends up. But he'll be on that half of the facility. Victoria and Kristen could be anywhere. That's the most unpredictable thing. So that's why I said it makes the most sense to go inside and then see where they're at. Go back out to the car, gear up and then go in. Now granted tags for an aisle can take like fucking 2 minutes. By the time I get back in they can move. Big whoop. They probably just move to the next aisle over. But I mean they're always all over the place. But they're always, almost always together. And the thing is Kristen is a big woman. She is big. She's like fucking 300 pounds. Too easy of a target. I'll never miss. That's a freebie. That's a gimme. Victoria's like 200 some pounds. But I fucking hate her now. I just cannot wait to fucking pump her full of fucking buckshot. She pissed me off big time. Just that typical fucking girl you think like doesn't mind working with you and thinks everything's cool and thinks you're cool and all that. And they could just like fucking turn on you in an instant. It's kind of how I am. I act like I give a shit about people but I don't. Then she started going off about Brian and all this and then she started going off about this. It was a never ending fucking bitch fest. And all she does is bitch. And bitch. And bitch. And it pisses me off. Just when you think you solved the one problem she just starts blaming other people for shit. When in reality guess what? You're the fucking problem. You got fucking three and a half weeks to live. Cause I'm not gonna fucking miss. When I see you I will fucking blow your goddamn head off. I'd make it fucking slow as possible but I gotta do it fucking fast. You're gonna fucking feel it first. I'm not shooting you right in the head right away. You're gonna shot right in the fucking chest. Right in the back wherever. Mackenzie is gonna blow your fucking head off. And it's gonna be fucking glorious. I don't care if I shoot you in the back and then in the chest I'm fucking blowing your goddamn head off. Pop, pum pum, pop, pum pum, head shot, bam. Fucking dead. I want you to look up right in my fucking eyes and see who's shooting you and then I'll fucking kill you. I want to see the horror in your fucking eyes. I want to hear you gasp. I want to hear you beg for your fucking life. But guess fucking what? It's too fucking late. And your fucking life's over. Honestly, I wish fucking Sam would be working that night too because she's a fucking worthless fucking douchebag. Oh my fucking goddess. She is fucking retarded. She literally is like fucking disabled and retarded. I always look stoned out of her fucking mind. I can never understand a goddamn word she says. Talks your fucking ear off. It always gets fucking sick. And honestly, I'd have her live. I would shoot her and I'd have her fucking live. She won't even be worth fucking killing. Honestly, all of them, I wish I could just shoot and let them suffer, but you gotta die. People gotta fucking die. I wanted people to live through it and then talk about the experience and all that, but I'd rather just fucking kill you. You all gotta fucking die. I cannot fucking wait to hear what people on day shifts say about this. How they never saw this coming. They'll never, for a minute, think that it would be me as the gunman. Ever. They would never, ever fucking expect it. They all know me because my dad used to be the head manager of the supermarket there. For about eight years he worked there. And then about three years into my tenure, he got transferred. We were like four years into it. But they all know me because I was on day shift at the time too. And I see them in the morning before I leave, but they all act as if I'm still day shift with them and all that. Dreaming with respect and act all nice and happy to me and ask how my fucking dad is, which they don't fucking know how much I hate his fucking guts. If I get asked one more fucking time, how's your dad doing? Just fucking stop. I would have killed to have gone in there on day shift and done this, but there's no fucking way. That's too easy to get neutralized. Especially if it's just you. Doing that alone is not a good idea. There was a guy who just got fired from there who I almost considered messaging about this asking if he'd be game to do it. But the way he is, he's so unreliable you couldn't rely on him to show up for work, let alone agree to do a massacre like this. And I knew full well he'd fucking troll me with it and he'd go along with it, then he'd fucking like probably fucking report me to the fucking police. So I didn't want to risk throwing it all away over that stupid shit. But the guy threatened to blow the fucking manager's head off for trying to fire him. And he suspended him and all that and he threatened to blow his head off. And that got me to thinking, well maybe since he got fired now that could be like an MO to come back and shoot up the place, but I didn't want to risk it. I just couldn't risk it. The guy does drugs and all that shit and I just couldn't trust it. I don't even fucking know the guy well at all. I just know him from working there. But it would have seemed cool. He would have been my Dylan Kleibold. He really would have been a great fit, big tall guy, curly hair and he reminded me of Dylan. But I think about it, he really fucking honestly, honest to goodness reminds me of Dylan Kleibold. He does. And what would be amazing is if he finished the job for me after I do the night shift. If he would come back in the day and just shoot up the place. That would be a good thing. But I can't see it happening. He'll probably kill himself before he does that. But yeah, every night I'm in there I just envision shooting this or shooting that. Shooting out the freezer doors. Shooting the spaghetti sauce section. Shooting the two liter soda section. Shooting the bakery freezers. Shooting the bakery display with all the glass. Shooting all the pickles. Shooting the floor guy. It just never ends. I just keep envisioning it all happening in my head and picturing the fucking coroner being there and people in body bags and wheeling people out on gurneys. I just can't stop thinking about it. Knowing when I'm there, it's like this is going to be where I die. I just can't fucking believe it still. I've been envisioning this happening for what? Like three months now? Four months? I don't know. Gotta be like three months. Two or three months. Seems a lot longer than that. But yeah, it's just feels so fucking cool. Like when everyone else is there doing their job and everything, I'm there as if I'm like an alien or a ghost or something like overshadowing somebody, conspiring to shoot the place up. It's just so fucking cool knowing that I control these people's fate. Cannot believe it. It's amazing. And it's so close to happening. And I got even better news because remember I was talking earlier about how unpredictable it could be with the vacations and all that? Brian told me last night that he put in for the end of June. So it has to be the first week. It just has to be. And that's how it's going to be. I won't even live to see my vacation. I'll be dead. Big fucking whoop. That's a permanent vacation from life. So the massacre video will just have to be what it is by then. That's it. Pardon me, just doesn't even care anymore. I've done what I could for it. And it's just a few more shots left and I'll have to do two more shots on Thursday night, I guess. It's just when I get home from work, I just don't even feel like touching that thing. I'm just physically drained. I wanted to turn the camera on for this recording, but I did not feel like taking the time to turn it on and set it up and set the mic up and the monitor and the lighting and having to get up every fucking 10 minutes to start recording on the camera again because it stops taping after like 10 minutes. And it would have been way too big of a file size again. It would be like a 4 gigabyte video and I just did not feel like doing it this time. I know you guys really want to see my face because you won't see it anymore, but I mean, honestly, you're not missing much. I look like total shit nowadays. I do. I just look at myself in the mirror and I just look into my eyes and I'm like, wow, I look fucking crazy. And it's just how I am. I'm Andrew Blaze. I'm Andrew Blaze. I'm Andrew Blaze. Just looking at my videos, like just seeing like this innocent teenager fade away into this ghost has been shocking. Just the darkness around my eyes even just getting darker over the years. Like just compare my 2012 self to my 2014 or 2015 self, let alone nowadays. You should see a difference in it. If you like we're looking for like old gaming videos I did of Let's Plays, like look at the fucking face cam footage. Look how different I used to look. Look how like not, look how much like more full of life I seem to be. Back when I had happiness in me and emotions and wasn't just this dark evil spirit just begging to get out. There's things I look at. It's like I don't even recognize who I was. Blows in my mind. It was just 2016 was when it just went beyond the point of no return. Look at the videos I made since then. What little of them did have my face in it. I just feel that way too. Like if I'm out picking up food from somewhere, from how to store, buying something or like you know, I just, I feel like I creep people out. And I like it. I think it's cool. But I just, I always like feel like out of place. Especially with how I look too. This tall, lanky, dark figure. It's just, I don't know. People probably wonder it's like how come I haven't done live streams anymore. Like why did the live stream stop and all this, put it all together, put all the pieces together. After 2015 I was just gone. This world didn't matter to me anymore. I didn't care about people anymore. I didn't care to show my face anymore. I just completely transformed and then I discovered who I was. And I was tired of living a lie. Couldn't do it. Couldn't get on Von Live anymore and just bullshit about stuff. I can't even do that nowadays because I just don't care. Plus people come and go every fucking two seconds anyway. I just don't fucking give a shit about people. And what am I gonna say? Oh I'm just working on cartoons. Probably not planning to kill myself in three weeks or anything. I know Nelly Simmons wanted me to get on there because she's never seen me live before. She probably never will. Sorry. But I just, I don't care anymore. I don't care. I don't care about my image anymore. How I like physically look in person that is. And I don't take selfies really ever anymore. I don't do vlogs anymore. I don't just take the camera out to record anything anymore. Everything changed. And it's not, some people could say oh Andrew just grew up. That's not true at all. I stopped doing the videos because I died inside. I just died. All my motivation. All my inspiration. All the joy and the happiness. All that died. After Absolution, that was it. Absolution was the last true short film I did. Once you count that failed, welcome to the squad and all that. But that wasn't even me on video. I mean the last physical time I set up the camera and shot a short film. Absolution was it. Because you also count that failed, abandoned Prologue series reboot. But it all died. Everything died. I still occasionally from time to time just sit there and think like I would kill to do one more of these. I would kill to do one more short film. Every time it just ends up going back to the stress side of everything and everything pissing me off. That's why I stopped doing them in the first place. Because they were overstressing me. Everything had to be perfect. Even just something as subtle as a panning shot would piss me the fuck off. Not be able to get that right. Just I wanted to do more. I really wanted to do more guys. I really did. I wanted to make more short films. And yeah they'd all be ember related but I wouldn't fucking care what people thought of them. I wanted to do more. I really honest to goodness wanted to do more. But at the same time it was like fate was telling me that that was it. That part of you is dead. It's just it seems so long ago and it makes me sad. It really makes me sad. To think Absolution was fucking two years ago already. January of 2015 was when that was out. Two and a half years almost. It's been two and a half years. It feels like a lifetime ago since I was that guy. You know. And granted people are still around. People engage me occasionally and say like you know I missed your videos or well not really that. But people are still around. I see them coming back or people say what happened to your sucks videos or whatever. You know it blew my mind. Just the other day on the pioneers prod twitter account that I haven't used in two years. I just tweeted on it and said I missed this page and I blocked all the followers I had on there to bring it down to zero and I unblock them all. But you know I just did that so I can wipe my followers list. And there was only one on there and yet somehow this random ass guy just tweeted me after that saying what happened to my sucks videos. So it's like how'd that make any sense because he's not following me. Did he just still happen to keep checking to see if I would come back and post and it happened to be that very minute. I don't know. But I miss pioneers productions a lot. I'd still kill to do stuff for it but I can't. It's over. It's almost as dead as I am now. I love the content I made. Sure there was stuff I made that was like jeez what the fuck was I thinking but I just fucking love what I've made and there's times where I'll just sit at home and on my nights off or after I get home from work and if I'm bored as fuck I'll watch old stuff that I made. As much as I like hate myself I still love myself. I love what I've done. I love what I've made. I love looking back on all that stuff. Stuff back in 2009 or 2008 that made no sense at all. Stuff like when the make me bad stuff started or the old horse head videos or just one of those days. A mindful silliness or a furby video. Resurrection. You know all these videos are crazy Christmas maniac. The whale Christmas video with froggy you know. All this stuff. I just love this shit out of it and I got to see myself grow up with it. How many people can say that. I started doing those videos for YouTube in ninth grade. Did I ever once think that I'd still be doing it nine years later. A month today is my nine year anniversary. Nine years with one channel. I still consider the EGS channel the Pioneers Productions channel. I still do. I just did it so I can change the name. Just so it associated with the EGS content. I still consider that tied in with the Pioneers Pro channel. It's still the same. But Pioneers Productions I never once imagined it would get as far as it has. I had dreams of it being big and all that but I never like thought I'd be doing it for nine years. I thought something else would have come along in my life and swayed me away from YouTube and took me in a complete other direction where I was meant to be but it just led me to where I'm destined to be. It all has. You take away YouTube and I don't even have a life. I'd be dead and cremated by now. YouTube was everything to getting me to where I am now. Mackenzie was too. And Amber. Damian was a huge help. Send requests as much as I hate them now. James. Hobo Deadfish. David. Alicia. Point Baron. Mallory. So many people. As much as I despise the human race there still are people who still make me smile. And I just feel like it's right just to send those emails out before I go. So I, last month I just been sitting, I've been sitting here like whenever I feel like it's right to all start writing some of the emails. Like I wrote James's already. I wrote Damian's. I wrote Laura Favardies yesterday. I wrote Hobo Deadfish's email. I wrote Andrew Blanks' email. I just started writing one for Rachel Hodge today. But you know all these people. I need to write two one last time, you know? And it's just like I'm not going to be able to write two one last time. It's so, it almost doesn't even feel weird. Like just knowing like yeah I'm writing my goodbye emails to these people. Say I'm going to die and then I just get on social media and just start talking to them as if everything's normal. You know, you'd think it'd be like totally weird but at the same time it doesn't feel wrong at all. It feels completely normal. It's just unbelievable. It is unbelievable knowing that this is the end of my road. This is it. From my life it ends here. Just like that. And it hit me. Like this is it. And it's not like oh I'm going to change my mind and I'll back off from it and then delete all their suicide tape recordings and all that and pretend it never happened. No. This is it. This is the end. And every day I feel like this little concoction in my chest like getting like darker and darker and darker and consuming my soul and telling me that this is it. It's an indescribable feeling. Knowing you're going to be dead in just over three weeks. Knowing that this is the last time you're going to do this. Knowing that this is how it ends. Knowing that this is it. It is indescribable. And I know for a fact that last week is going to be insanely hard. And I wonder what will happen. Like if it's possible I can wake up and then I won't even see my mom before I go. Because that's what happens. Like I'll get up, she'll be on the couch and you know it's 10 at night. And I go in the shower by the time I get out she's in bed. You know that very well could happen and I'll never see her. I'll never see her while I'm alive again. You know that's probably what's going to happen. I have no idea. But like I'm one of those people it's like when I know something's going to end and it's my last time doing something I take note of that a mental note I always do. And that week is going to be filled with them. This is the last time I'm going to Taco Bell or this is the last time I'm getting McDonald's or this is the last time I'm going to get gas or this is my last time driving on this road or you know. I think that way about everything. And one of the weirdest will be this is the last time I'm going to see my mom. You know. And I don't even want to think the person she'll be after this happens. I can only imagine. Most of me doesn't give a shit but still being that she's my mother. You know I still have that connection of knowing that she's always been there for me throughout my entire life and was always the one to listen to me and you know. And just like that I got to turn away and shut them out you know. I just I can't believe it and it's like it just happened like that. Like when reality just sunk in that this is it. I can't see the future anymore. Nothing exists for me on this planet beyond 2017. I can't see anything now. It's because it's my time to go. And yes my soul will live on. I'm not completely vanishing from existence. I just won't be in this body anymore. I'll be in the EGS and you can bet your fucking ass I'm going to come back to this planet in my ghost squad form. I'm coming back whether you'll be able to see me or not. I'll be back. And if anyone ever ever and I've said this in like 95% of the emails I've been writing if anyone ever for some reason gets in that zone of feeling worthless feeling like they can't talk to anybody feeling just completely lost scared and alone and there's no one to talk to you can talk to me. I'll always be there to listen to you even if you can't see me and it seems like you're just talking to an empty dark room. I'll be there. You can talk to me. I'll listen. I'll try to guide you and steer you in the right direction. I'll listen to you and I'll be there for you. And I promise that. I promise that you guys are always there for me and it's only right for me to be there for you. I promise. James Hobo Damian. Laura Favardy even like just anybody. You can talk to me and I'll always listen. I'll do my damnedest because I didn't listen to you guys enough when I was alive. But I'm not sorry about that. It's just how I am. But I'll always be there for you. I promise. My Kenzie was always there for me. I just didn't realize it until now. It's unbelievable. It's unreal. I just can't believe it. Everything in my life that I've done. And just like that it's going to be all taken away. And yeah, my YouTube legacy will always be there. It'll live on forever. But it's just like that. My journey's over for that. It seemed so long but at the same time so fast. Like a look in my room here just to think like how long I've been in here for. We moved into this house when I was like one. I'm 24 and a half. I look back at my closet like the fucking immortal image of being in the background of my live streams all those years for like the seven or eight years I did live streams for. I'm thinking it's still there. A lot of my clothes from high school are still in there. This room has changed quite a lot but at the same time not so much. But just like looking around and thinking like all the stuff I've gotten in three and a half weeks or so it'll all be worthless to my family because I'll be gone. Everything will be gutted. My mom will use this for fucking side business. This room will be transformed into a fucking side business area like her new fucking office. And everything will be stripped. They'll probably put new carpet in here. Change the wallpaper. Tear down all my posters. Throw everything out. And it's gonna suck. As much as I hate everything on earth I love my possessions and I don't want to see them just get wasted like that. All my pony stuff. My guitar which I barely use but my camera. My Nintendo. My NES. My PS2. My Xbox. My N64. My two IMAX. My microphone. My bed even. My bed. All my fucking accessories. My hard drives. My keyboard. Synthesizer you know. And this room is a part of me. And in a few weeks there'll just be a pile of junk. For you it'll be memorabilia but they'll never sell it to fans ever. Never. I'm gonna desperately try to get them to sell my EGS posters. And in reality anybody out there can still make them. If you use poster burner you'll have the actual image files that I used to make them with. You can print those out if you wanted to. You know make them 30 inches long. Have them shipped to your house you know. But the only difference is I autographed the back of these. On the backboard of it. So I guarantee they'll just throw it out or they'll think like oh this is like what made him happy and we should hold on to it. Or they'll just be enraged thinking that this is what caused me to go over the edge and commit this act and all that. I don't know. I guarantee 98% of it's gonna be fucking trashed. It's... This is why I'm documenting this for you guys. It goes back to me saying earlier what did people document they found all weeks on earth and all that shit. Well this gives you like first hand look at what it's like. You're just filled with emotions. Happiness, sadness, anger, fucking stress and bipolar. It's a vicious fucking cycle guys. I can go from like okay to not being pissy or anything. Just like okay in a decent mood to just being fucking pissed beyond belief within a matter of minutes. Or like feeling like full of energy and motivated to just like tanking to being like I don't want to fucking be here anymore in a matter of like a half hour. It's terrible. It just happens like that in an instant. People could say oh Andrew you could have took medication or seen a therapist and a therapist isn't gonna fucking cure me when you know where you're destined to fucking be. All they're gonna do is fucking take your money. Whatever. One thing I will say is I never ever in my life saw a therapist. I said that in the first ever tape recording I did for EGS tapes. I said like oh the dates like May 5th, 2013 or something. I just made that date up off the top of my head for that one. That one was the first ever EGS tapes video I did and I intended it to be a series but that one I think I just improvised it all. But at the same time that was like how I was feeling like it's like yeah people think it's a bad thing but it's not but I can't tell you why. Cause you're gonna think I'm insane all that shit. Well now I'm fucking telling you why and all these suicide tapes but that was like the only time I made up a date or um you know so like oh I have a therapist and all that like since then you don't hear me talk about that shit. I mean obviously yeah the tape videos were scripted. The EGS tapes, the suicide tapes were not scripted but the EGS tapes were just a breath of fresh air. Those first couple I did were at the end of like 2015. You know that was pretty far back now. That's when I did the first original Alex Gebhardt breakup video. The EGS tapes video you know and then I just built on that later on down the road. The Mackenzie West tape was pretty much the first like official legit one that WubCake did. Um I'm not real fun looking back on it cause I fucking hate WubCake's voice. I hate WubCake in general. I do not like her at all. I think she's a fucking money whore and shit. I think she's fucking talented and all that and when in reality she just rips off a shit that other people did for her voices. People suck it up from her. She's talentless. She can draw but that's about it. Fucking die. Hate her. I only used her just to get some publicity. And that was it. I kicked her to the curb after. And also cause I didn't have any other voice actresses. So whatever. Another one of those fucking people where I could write like fucking three paragraphs and I just get a one sentence response. Fuck off. Just fuck off. Literally. Back in like fucking May I'm like I'm gonna write another video then I'm gonna need your Mackenzie voice in. And I started saying you know this is what I'm doing now and this is what I wanna do for this video and blah blah blah blah blah and it was like two to three paragraphs long and all I get back in return is okay. That's it. Kiss my fucking ass. Words cannot describe how much I fucking hate when I put like fucking 10 to 15 minutes into a fucking email making sure it's all spelled properly making sure I have everything that is essential and all that to make it important and all I get back is okay. Kiss my fucking ass. Good fucking lord. People like that need to be crucified. Fucking no talent faggots. Oh my fucking goddess do I hate people. Die. Fucking die. Fucking same thing with point baron the other day. You know three or four paragraph fucking email explaining the massacre video and all that and how I could picture him doing this voice for this or you should do this voice for this and I think this will work and all this shit and alright thanks. That's it. What the fuck. I don't fucking know dude. I'm sorry for even dedicating 10 to 20 minutes to writing you an email. Kiss my fucking white ass. I don't care who you are even if you're fucking Damien. I could fucking care less. If you give me a fucking one to two sentence response to like a three to four paragraph email you should be hung by your fucking throat. Man. People fucking humans dude. It's not even funny you might be laughing at this it's not fucking funny it literally drives me fucking crazy and I know other fucking creators can relate to it. Makes you feel like you don't even fucking matter. Fucking blows. This is also why I didn't fucking continue to look for fucking animators. I poured my heart and soul into these emails explaining like what I want them to do and one not getting a response or two just like not even acting like they really give a shit and just like sugarcoating it to make it sound like they act like they give a shit. Fucking animators are like the worst fucking people to deal with. They all just seem like fucking assholes to me. Artists in general are fucking assholes. Whether you're a visual artist by drawing or anything. Whether you're a fucking musician. Any type of artist you are a faggot. And it's the truth all fucking artists are douchebags. I'm an artist am I a douchebag yeah I'm a fucking douchebag whatever. All fucking artists are assholes. And if I say they're not they're full of shit. They're all fucking assholes. I don't care. Photography. Art. Animation. Music. What the fuck ever. They're all fucking assholes. Nothing pissed me off more than when that fucking animator I talked with for like a fucking month trying to get him on board to animate the massacre video for me. And acting like he seemed like he would do anything that I sent him. I sent him the fucking animatic for the shots of right after the explosion outside the school where the kid like turns in the chair and everyone's like ah right through where I shot the three kids you know like right after all this stupid shit that we'd say I didn't really mean it that way. I won't say I'm sorry I missed the times where we used to hang around break it up till we break it down all that. And I sent that to him he's like alright I honestly wouldn't feel comfortable animating this and that fucking pissed me off. It really fucking pissed me off we talked about rates talked about all the free time you could have to do it being on board for this and then just oh my fucking goddess he fucking pissed me off. Not just because of that but because of his fucking visual style it was exactly what I wanted. And he just fucking turned me down just like that after a month of waiting and waiting for him to have a free slot to do this shit and he turns me down. Fuck you David Hill. Fuck you and just fucking die. You can fucking burn in hell. I fucking hate relying on people. Oh do I fucking hate it. The other fucking girl Erika or whatever. Yeah I should have some free time in March or April to do it. Oh well turns out I won't have any time to animate it after all I'm booked through June but maybe then I'll be able to do it. Oh fuck you! Fuck you! Seriously fuck you! Blow your goddamn head off. You people fucking screwed me. You fucking screwed me you goddamn fuckers. You fucking assholes pissed me the fuck off. How much is it to ask for you to animate like 10 seconds worth of animation if that? Good fucking lord. It's like a big fucking game. It's a big fucking joke. Animators their schedules change like every fucking week apparently. What the fuck ever. You tell me in March you're gonna push me back to fucking June. After telling me you'd have time to do it and make me be patient and wait for you to fucking work on it. And you push me back. You push me fucking back. Other people. Oh well Christian and this guy would love to help out with your video. I email the one never get a fucking response. I email the other oh I'm booked through fucking spring and summer. Kiss my fucking ass! You people are worthless! So the old fucking saying is true. If you want something done right you gotta fucking do it yourself. You fucking blew it. I hope to fucking goddess you fucking regret that shit. You fucking blew it. Now I was gonna pay you good money and everything. So you know what I spent that money on? I spent it on fucking ammunition. Are you happy? People are gonna fucking die because of you. People are gonna fucking die anyway but now even more because of you. Fucking cocksuckers. All can fucking drop dead. Jays. Oh I fucking hate humans dude. Honestly I'm glad I did it all by myself. But it should have been so much longer. The video should have been so much longer than it is. Oh, it pissed me off. I don't want to land anybody. I hope you get fucking shot. I hope you fucking forever rethink stuff that gets proposed to you. Can all fucking die. I've already emailed six animators and never got any responses back. People looking for legit professional work even though I could fucking pay you by your fucking rates. It's fucking work for you. What do you fucking care? You're getting fucking paid like $200, $230 fucking dollars a day. More than I make in like fucking three nights. It's fucking un- fucking outrageous. You can fucking drop dead. Drop fucking dead. Everyone's such a fucking money whore anymore. Have I ever once asked for money from anybody? Have I ever e-begged? Have I ever done any of that shit? No. I asked for donations if you were kind enough to do so for this fucking video, which now fucking $40 went to waste. I never set up a Patreon, none of that shit, which is fucking retarded. Why should anyone have to pay to see what you do? You're a worthless sack of shit if you use a Patreon account. If you're a fucking musician, oh you get first exclusive access to my tracks. No one fucking gives a shit. Good lord. Oh, Patreons only. You're a fucking money whore. Fucking money whore, dude. You're a worthless crock of shit. Money is fucking worthless. It doesn't matter how much fucking money you have. As I said, it makes you just as worthless as every other fucking goddamn fucker on this fucking putrid planet. Oh my god. People with Patreon accounts should be fucking shot. Instead, just set up a fucking donation page. If people want to fucking help you out, they'll donate to you. Don't make it so it's a fucking requirement to see new shit that you do. Oh, special perks and privileges for people who like donated $100 fucking dollars. What the fucking do? In the end, they'll realize how fucking retarded it was. People fucking like subscribed through like fucking Twitch TV and that to get fucking badges and get into like exclusive private chats and lobbies. Fucking Minnesota Burns robbed me of like fucking 20 bucks. You can't do any fucking open lobbies after that shit. People who beg for subscriptions, beg for Patreon, beg for money should be fucking crucified and shot and hanged by their fucking throats. Man. All you fucking creators out there, all you fucking care about is money. Have I ever once cared about the money? No. Did I want to be able to live off the YouTube? Yes. But did I ever once ask for money? No. I didn't. In my nine years of YouTube, I never once asked for money from anybody. Yeah. My hard drive crashed and my fucking graphics card fried in my iMac. 800 fucking dollars to repair. Got knocked down to 600 or something, but did I ask for money? No. I'm not a fucking worthless cunt. Oh, my computer broke when I won't be able to make videos, guys. I need money. Get a fucking job. A real job. YouTube is a real job. No, it's not. YouTube is a fucking hobby. I don't care who the fuck you are. If you're a markiplier, if you're fucking Smosh. YouTube is not a job. And in an instant, they could take all that partnership money away from you. Partnership program was a privilege and you're fucking lucky it's still there. Fucking nine years, ten years later. I hope YouTubers crash and burn. People who rely on YouTube to make a fucking living. Crash and fucking burn. Yeah, I know. Damien lives off of YouTube. Well, not for much longer. Cry me a fucking river when your money runs out. Fuck. So much fucking anger inside of me. So much hatred. Fucking despise this fucking world. I can't do it anymore. I can't live on this planet anymore. I can't act normal anymore. Like the average fucking human being. This isn't my fucking home anymore. It never was to begin with. I'm fucking sick of it. I'm done. I'm just done. Mackenzie, I'm sorry. You guys see me like this, but you know full well how I really am anyway. But man, I'm just fucking done. This planet is worthless. Nothing matters. If you sit back and look at everything on this planet, nothing fucking matters because guess what? When you die, life just goes on as if you never fucking existed. People jumping off a fucking bridge in fucking San Francisco, jumping off a Golden Gate Bridge, you see fucking seagulls flying by after they hit the fucking water. Life goes on. No one fucking cares. Yes, your family will be upset and your friends will be upset. Over time, they're over it. No, you never truly get over a death. You do when you think about it. Life fucking goes on. Even when you're not fucking in it. Everything on this planet is worthless. It's all a fucking game. It's called who can stay in the game the longest without fucking killing themselves. Well, guess what? I quit. This game's fucking retarded. How do I hate life? I fucking hate life. I've always hated life. I've always hated living. I'm looking at my mom and dad, like, why did you have to fucking put me here? But then as I got older, I realized that they didn't put me here. I fucking, I got sent here. And for the longest time, I thought it was a punishment. It wasn't. It was a fucking mission. But it felt like a punishment. Having to fucking go through your life and rediscover who you are, that was the biggest fucking pain in the ass. All these fucking people in the world and just thinking, you're all fucking worthless cocksuckers. Nothing you do matters. You're all fucking worthless cocksuckers. Nothing you do matters. At the end of the day, you're fucking dead anyway. As soon as you take your first breath on this earth, you're dead. It's a ticking time bomb. You don't know when it's gonna blow, but it's gonna blow. And you're fucking dead. It might be when you're fucking 45, it might be when you're fucking 90, it might be when you're fucking 16, for all I fucking know. You're dead. Everyone is a dead man or woman walking. And one of your only missions in life is to not get dead. Unless you're fucking people like me, who that's your fucking destiny all along, is to fucking die young. Oh my God, it's... I've just had it. I've long had it. I need to wrap this up, because I need to go to bed. It's fucking 10 after 3. I gotta be up at 9 o'clock. You see? How easily I just go from like, casual talking to just all out hatred. It's like a light switch. It's just like that. Oh. Oh man. I just want it to be June already. Fucking had enough. I wanna be with you, Em. I'm so ready. Oh. I don't know what I would do without you. I could care less about anybody else. Okay. I'm gonna end this now. I wasn't even gonna record today. It was just... writing the journal or get the mic out and I got the mic out. It's faster anyway. Whatever. I'm just fucking done. I think right now if I really wanted to, I could just pull that shotgun out of the holster and put in a buckshot shell and end it. Just like that, if I really wanted to. Whatever. I need some more weeks. Three and a half weeks. Alright. Bye guys. Try to make another recording when I can. I'm feeling inspired to talk about something. I wanted to talk about Mackenzie for pretty much the whole recording but obviously that led to other things. That's what always happens. I think it's sidetracked and bullshit gets in the way and all that. So whatever. Anyways. I'll see you guys in the next one. Andrew out. 2. Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland H Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Hålland Zhowol Hålland H48 Hålland HÄS 12 Això же Heart Break,... О, я Perhapswelde..<|mn|> Komm, forma, export. This is an expensive sport. Sport. protecting i see that right there be your head holy shit fucking shit ? Sèch en crétebal. Seem söylèedender, crè ün in lCont det l spectrum, aaaas!! 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 9. 9. 9. 10. 11. 11. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 19. 19. 19. 20. 21. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 41. 41. 41. 41. 41. 41. 41. 41. 41. 42. 43. 44. 44. 45. 46. 47. 47. 47. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 56. 57. 58. 59. 59. 59. 60. 60. 60. one punch you can't zoom with. symbol. Aah! and don't like any of us with a label there. and imo shoot it down.eness flame flame fire Mississippi fire flame fire go עoye Centra За Еще All right. Man, this is fun. Very expensive, but it's fun. All right, with this one we got a bit of a catch. Looks just like an ordinary box, but inside is a liquidy bottle of H2. Oh no! Let's take this sucker out. See if I can get on the first try. Yeah, pays to look down your fricking sight instead of just aiming like this and hoping you hit something. That's shooting 101. All right, well that one, everywhere. It's one piece of it. Oh, it's over there. I was gonna say, what happened to that fucking box? There she is. All right, we got one bottle of water left. We'll call it a day. All right, this will have to be it because he doesn't have anything left to shoot. Yes! Time to die. Well... That one, I have no fucking clue. Jeez. There we go. Suck it. And just for fun, well, shoot whatever casualties are on the fucking ground here. I can miss it completely. Last one, no matter what. Let's blow you to the moon. All right, that's that. Fun. Okay. Empty. And we're out. Alright, so back up at the shooting range again. I just brought Mackenzie this time just for the sake of being secretive about it. So got a whole bunch of shit to shoot at this time. There's only two gallons of water to hit. Other than that, there's a whole bunch of expired 2 liter sodas that I found in the basement, a bunch of Gatorades and Powerades, and a couple other little subtle things. So if you can see behind me, I'm going to have to really adjust the focus on this thing. I brought targets this time. Reason is because I never really used them yet for the shotgun. I used it with my mom's handgun, but not for the shotguns. Way over there in the distance, I don't think it's in the shot. There's another one that I'm going to try to hit with a slug from pretty much here to the target. See what I can do with that. But I got about 10 slugs. Got to use them wisely. I got more coming today, but wanted to shoot now because it's been like a week. I want to shoot, man. It's been too long. So yeah, we're going to hit the targets first. It's been like a couple minutes on that, and then we'll set up the two liters and all the fun stuff. So let's go. Oh yeah, one more thing. This is the other lens. Last time I had the zoom lens and the lighting and the exposure and all that, the iris settings, for some reason when you're outside, it doesn't like being outside. I don't know why. It just stopped taping for so many fucking shots without me even realizing it. It's just something to do with the exposure and the lighting out here. I have no idea why Canon cameras are like that. That happens inside too. Like if the lighting gets kind of really wonky, it'll stop, which blows. With this lens, I have not had that problem yet, so hopefully I won't with this one this time. But the only downside is I can't zoom with it. So if some shots are blurry and out of focus, too fucking bad. I can't tell by if you find it on the back if it's in focus or not completely. Sometimes it's a little blurry. So anyways, enough yapping from me. Let's shoot. All right, figure it's best to leave this on the side. That way I don't shoot the camera on accident. All right, see that shit? It's stopped anyway. All right, I'm going to show you where I have that other target set up. It's way out yonder. See it? It's out in the trees out there. All right, enough of that. Let's hit this fucker with a slug. Yeah, he's a wrestler as well. That's a really... Man, why are you stopping recording, dude? You're an asshole. All right, the Sierra Mist here. It has almost three and a half years past expiration. Mesh. Mesh. Oh, you know, it's always nice when I don't hit record. Nice. I'm an idiot. That's been established by now. Damn. I don't know if you can see it, but when I hit right through here with the slug, some of these were slugs in the last few were a fuckshot. Nice. That's cool. Okay, we're going to try to hit this target again with some less recoil buckshot or slug, rather. That's a negative, Tori. Just to give the idea of how far away this is. Something dead fly on the back of it. All right, one this time. Nice. He was rotating like crazy. Holy shit. Wow. He got wrecked. Perfect shot. Holy shit. That was better than me. There's like no recoil at all on that. No kick. Beautiful. Here's your answer to what a slug does. My last slug. Yes! Got him. I got him. Oh, I got him. Oh nice, the handle broke when it fell. That's always nice. That's 88 cents right there. Let's see what the fuck shot does to you. That's a mess. I'm gonna try to do bam, pump, pump, bam. See if I can hit them both. Nice and low. That still counts. Well, here's the label. Damn. That's what I'm talking about. Nice. You'll speak attack. Damn. That's not all red. You gotta die. Right. Not a cool trigger, but I didn't. See if I can hit them both. Ow! That went sky high. One shot left. That's a big shock. This is to show you where that other one ended up when I put the two on there at the same time. Right out there, see it? I'm not lying. Alright, so that's all the ammo I have for now. I have a shit ton more at home, but I don't want to go back and come back up. It's pain in the ass. This field is, I'd say about 300, 400, 500 yards from the road. It's a dirt road too, but to get up here, it's a fucking pain in the ass because you gotta go through a little trail. It's like all mud. I almost didn't think I was going to get up here this time. It rained like the last four days, but I really love coming up here. I wish I could come up here every day and shoot. It would be fucking broke. But I just got a whole new round of 250 shells that came in the other day. I just shot about a box and a half of those because I still had stuff left from the last time I was up here. I got a whole other new case of 250 coming on Wednesday and some more slugs coming today. So I'm trying to make it count because I don't have a lot of time to do this. Clutching bag just blew away. See it out there? Wow, that got airborne. Bye bye. Gonna blow away. Gotta go get it. Those less recoil slugs, they look like this. I wish all the buckshot was that easy to shoot. There's no kick at all to it. It lives up to its name, less recoil. But those are nice. Unfortunately, I don't have any left. I didn't order more. I wish I did. But yeah, the other slug I used, that shells all over the place I gotta pick up by the way. This was the other slug. This is also a reduced recoil. Didn't seem that much reduced compared to the other one. But yeah, I fucking love doing this. I love shooting stuff. Wish I got to do it sooner, but such is life. Such is life. So I don't want to say goodbye to you guys. I like talking to you. I don't have too much time to talk to you after today. It's a shame. Last night, I should say yesterday, because I worked night shifts, I was sleeping the day, sleeping the afternoon and the evening. I had a dream that was so fucking real. Cops were coming after me. I guess I was in the supermarket and I don't know for sure. But I had an M with me. As soon as I saw the cop, I bolted around a corner, sat down, put it down, poof. Felt so fucking real. I thought it was. I thought it was the real thing for a second. And then I used the sleep talk recorder. I must have said it in the dream was one of those dreams where you do transitions and you kind of are aware of it. I was like, holy shit or something. Kind of like, wow, that felt like really real. Yeah, I've come to terms with it. It's been on my mind for years and now, once I got this, then once I started using the shotgun enough times, I just kind of desensitized myself to it. I'm not afraid to shoot it. I've long surpassed that. The second time I came up here with my mom, yeah, I was a little kind of like hesitant, because also for one thing, it hurts the shit out of your hands. I'm sure I'm still taping. I am. This was before I put the duct tape on. See the duct tape around the pistol grip? The reason for that is if you haven't seen other videos for me talking about that, is the pistol grip on this thing hurts like a motherfucker after you shoot it. There's these grooves that go in and come out and in and come out, you know, where you put your fingers. That's where your fingers go in so you can get a firm grip on the thing. Well, what ended up happening was my fingers kept getting pinched in those grooves and I had a big fucking blood blister on my pinky finger from it after the first time shooting it. And I'm like, holy fuck, I don't know if I'm going to be able to shoot this thing. Like for practice and stuff, and I did not want to return this thing. Well, not this one. Rachel is the longer one. But yeah, I'm like, oh fuck. Because if it hurt that bad to shoot, then how are you going to practice? You're going to fuck your hand up even worse. So I immediately thought of Eric Harris's gun when you had the duct tape around the grip. So had my mom go back to the house, bring back duct tape, wrap the shit out of it. So, shotguns, yeah, they fucking hurt if you shoot them enough times or if you don't have the proper grip on it. You know, what ends up happening is this, the butt of the gun can end up sliding in between your thumb like this, right in between there. And that happened a few times, like especially when I just did like that, shoot it twice and fast like that, because you're not looking where your hands are. You're not cool if you're just doing that. You don't need to be macho like that. You got to be safe with it too, because you can fucking hurt yourself really bad. But yeah, so duct tape solved the problem. The other thing that probably can happen is right where the strap's supposed to go. If I had one, which I don't, I don't need one, it's fine. You probably can't see. Right here there's an M for Mackenzie, and there's EGS right here. You'll probably never see it. And the light, you can really see it. The bag came back. So yeah, today's May 8th. I just have a month left. You think about it. It's up for debate. I mean, this can change at any time. I've had June 7th or 8th or June 9th or June 10th in my head for the last few weeks, and anything can change that. If I somehow get a lot of the shots done for the massacre video in time, and I have time to work on some more, then I might push the date back a little bit. If, I don't know, my boss is going to quit earlier than that, then I might have to do it sooner. There's a lot that can change this. The other thing is, the week after that is when I have a vacation from work, which I wanted to use for the Westboro High Massacre video to get a lot of shots done. In reality, I can only get two done a night, but you figure like seven or five nights of that. You can get like ten shots done. That's just it. It all just depends how I'm feeling during that span of time. If I'm thinking, yeah, this is it, then the video is just what it is, and that's what it's going to have to be anyways. The video is what it is. I can't crank through it and get the shots done and have it look properly animated. You can't do it like that. I've had the intro to do on top of that. I've had to re-animate the intro parts for comeback song, and there's just too much to do. That's why it would be nice if I had that extra week, but that just might be it. I came to an agreement on one thing. I wanted to do it on a Wednesday. That way there is more people there. That's one thing I came in terms of. I still need to figure out the route I'm going to take. I'll write more on this in the journal, but there's a lot to think about here. I can't just go in and pop, pop, pop. I'm going to plan it out. I've been running this scenario through my head about a hundred sometimes by now. There's just a lot that can change the date of this thing. In a way I firmly believe it will be June 7th. In reality it will be the 8th because it will be past midnight. That's what I'm thinking. It's getting to the point now where I want it to be here. I want to go. I'm tired of envisioning putting that barrel in my mouth and pulling the trigger. Every time I look at that suicide picture of Eric Harrison telling Clee Bull, it's like I just want it to be here already. It's going to be like that. The whole thing is going to be like that. I keep saying it's like the way I see it is I have like five minutes. That's it. I don't know. There's like five or seven houses across the street. You can't tell me they're not going to hear that and say, hey, there's people shooting at that store. That'll totally happen. I got to make every shot count too. You don't get Mulligans with this. You get one shot. Whatever happens, it's fate. It's destiny. We can't control it. It's just simply what it is. I'm just doing what I can. I can't just crank through everything which blows. I'm talking to all these people all the time and I can't tell them what I'm actually doing. Sucks. Can't tell them like, this is the last month you have to talk with me. It's really hard. Part of me just wants to say it, but I can't. I'll ruin the whole thing. So I've been typing out all the emails I'm going to be sending out to people. I typed one for Laura Favrety, James, Hobo Deadfish, Damian, makemeVat35, Hobo, Andrew Blank, and some other people that I can't remember, but trying to get that typed up as soon as I can. It's hard to write those emails to those people. These people that you've talked with for years or half of your life. It's not easy. How do you type it and not sound like a douche about it? For people you're not trying to be a douche to, like Andrew Blank, yeah, I purposely made it douchey because he pissed me off. Don't give a shit about him. He'll be dived soon. People like Laura, I don't even know in person or anything. I just know her through emails and obviously the voiceover she's done for me. But that's only been since September of last year. How do you write these emails to not be a douche and say, hey, I'm fucking killing myself? Obviously it's going to creep people out, but it's life. But yeah, it's just the emails, I just thought of that a month and a half ago. I didn't really plan on doing a million of them, but trying to write as many as I can just for all the people that are important to me or I feel have made a difference and all that. So still got quite a lot to do. Unfortunately, the digital set and everything, the videos I've been uploading on there have been going up pretty damn fast because my internet's a lot faster. But I got all the Black Ops 2 gaming videos on there within three nights, if that. There's so many gaming videos, I'm not going to be able to get them all up there and they're all going up somehow. I'm trying to get all the important stuff up there, but all the Black Ops compilations are on there now. I got the Ghosts, which I'm finishing up now. I got GTA V to do, some worms compilations, maybe some Let's Plays that I did, we'll see. The bulk of what I wanted on there is on there already. Now it's just like the other little essential stuff. There's so many videos I did, how do you pick the ones that are the best? But I'm trying to get as much together as I can while I can. I already got a shit ton of old pictures that I put up there, so that's taken care of. Went through a bunch of old photo albums and everything and found pictures that were essential. Stuff from 1999 even, old stuff. But it feels real, it feels legit. This is it, this is the end of my life. There's no going back, this is it. I got to treat every week as if it's my last. The way I see it is I have just under four weeks. So everything's got to count. I can't get lazy and just lay around and do nothing, which I mean I could for a little while, my mind is always going and telling me you should be uploading stuff or you should be getting stuff together, you should be going through stuff. You know, because once I'm gone, that's it. There's nothing else that's going to go on the internet, you know? That's it. So I have very little time to gather what I need. Fortunately I've been putting stuff on terabyte drives all these years, so it's just a matter of just doing searches through your finder and finding stuff. I put like the final blog TV live stream on there before blog TV went to you now. You know, I think I put the six year stream on there, I might have, maybe not yet. But you know, I'm trying to find all the essential stuff, there's so much I can upload on that thing. And I just want that to be the permanent place for all the stuff, because if something for some reason happens to YouTube or my YouTube channel, if my parents take it down for some fucking weird reason, you know, there's nowhere else to see this stuff. That's it. Unless you have my hard drives, which James is the only one I like offered in the email to give my hard drives to. You know, there's just a lot of stuff. I can't upload at all. So, if you feel that, slow in some change. It's a cold wind. Really has a little breeze out here tonight. I'm gonna bag again. You know. Yeah, I know this is dragging, you know, but I'm just, I'm talking to you while I can. I don't get on the camera like this to talk to you anymore, you know, hardly ever. Just because it's a lot to upload, it's a bigger file size than just audio, you know. It's also a pain in the ass setup. But, yeah. Nothing, I don't view anything the same way anymore. Music is totally different. Like, everything. I can't even explain it. All the songs I just like, totally like reinterpret as to like my death and stuff. Other people like reacting to it in the same way. It's really, really weird. It's just a very odd feeling. Like everyone else is going through life, you know, like 99% of the planet's going through life. Going to their shitty jobs or whatever. Thinking about the future. Thinking about football season coming back. Or thinking what to get for dinner or whatever. Just like, you know, your average everyday stuff. I'm going through everyday thinking this is one of the last times I'll be doing this. Or, you know, I've got a few weeks left and then I'll be gone. Or I'll be looking down on everybody else. Or I'll be in the Go Squad. Or I'll be with Mackenzie. You know. It's totally strange. It's just indescribable. It's a very indescribable feeling. I can't describe it. It's just very strange. And I know that this is it. I know this is the end. This is it. I'm going to make these last few weeks count. What? It's going to be a hell of a story. I can't see anybody remotely picturing me doing something like this. I've also kept the massacre video under wraps because I don't want to say, hey, I'm promoting gun violence and all this shit. I'm trying to keep the threats down to as minimum as I can. Because there'd be no worse thing in the world than being reported to people as a threat days before you're going to do something. Alright. I'm going to wrap this up. I just like talking to you guys. What I've talked to you for years, you know. And this is one of the last times I'll be able to do that. Once I'm gone, I'm just, I'm in the breeze, you know. I'll be able to see me. I doubt it. I'm going to try my damn just to come back. But then I'll see firsthand why spirits can't make their presence known all the time. I'm very interested in seeing why. Because it's my goal to come back. Just do what I want to do. Whether it be good or evil. So, we'll see. This is it. You know. You can't relate to it. Virtually none of you can. None of you can relate to the feelings I've been having. You don't go through your everyday life like they can. I might be alive for a few more weeks than that. You don't. Some of you maybe have come close to going right over the edge. Like been borderline going over the edge. You know, gun to your head or something. But I don't know. I don't ask that type of stuff from my fans. I got to clean up. I got shells all over the place here. And obviously bottles that got blown to shreds. So, obviously I got to go eat dinner before I go to bed too. We'll see. Maybe tacos. Don't really know. So yeah, just wanted to shoot today. I've been dying to get back out here. But the weather has not been cooperating at all. It's been so miserable. Just rain, rain, rain. And fortunately today it didn't rain. So I got up here. But I just want to show you this. Like the view of this place is amazing. Just like look at this. Like it's so peaceful, so quiet. I know it's kind of blurry and out of focus. But I got to put it back on my face in a second. But you know, I'm just surrounded by wilderness. And that's one thing that people will like not understand why. It's like, you know, Andrew, he lived in the perfect neighborhood. Very quiet. No crime. Nothing bad ever happens here. Why did he do this? You know, and I can ask myself the same question. I don't know. I just hate the world. I hate my life. I hate life. I want to get out of here. But like sometimes when I'm just miserable, don't want to do anything, just be on the point of pissed. I'll just go around and drive. I'll drive around my neighborhood. Just around the general like, you know, 15 miles around my house. And I just look out the window. I see all the wilderness here. I see all the woods, all the trees, all the wildlife. And it's like, man, I had it good. You know, it's peaceful, peace and quiet. You hear birds chirping. Yet I'm miserable. You know, this is a great neighborhood. Dallas is a great neighborhood. Back Mountain, it's amazing. If anyone ever does eventually make the trek out here. It's pretty much in the middle of nowhere. But it's a great place. It's a great suburb. I love the suburbs. I hate cities. Never was a city fan ever. Never. Give me peace and quiet and solitude. That's all I want. Alive, anyway. Yeah. It's a beautiful place. And I hope I can come back to it. Not alive, but in spirit. So, alright. I'm gonna go clean up. It's gonna take me about 10 minutes to do it. So, I'll see you guys soon. See you in the next one. I'm back! Back again! Alright, so today I have both shotguns again. I'm gonna use Rachel first because I feel like I've been neglecting her since I got M, so I promised her I would use her gun, so we're gonna use her first. Basic target practice and everything except this time we have propane. I have one propane canister that's about like this big. We're gonna get to that a little bit later on. I have a fire extinguisher in case something goes wrong and you know the fire spreads, so you do not want to throw water on a propane fire. So yeah, I don't know the technical aspects of it all, but fire on a propane fire is bad. I googled it. Now you know. Now I know. So anyways, let's go! You know the drill by now. We have Rachel. Let's go hunting! That's a miss! Yes! Blow! Fuck! Okay! Looks! The problem is I can't see where I'm hitting. That's the biggest problem. Alright, I don't know why it stopped. It didn't miss much. Alright, so I'm not hitting anything from here. It's got a little close here. Alright. That bird right next to it. This is a needle in a haystack of a shot. This is one of my last slugs too. Well, I hit it, but I didn't do what I thought it was going to do. See the slug hole in there? This is going to be virtually impossible, but I only got two slugs left. Let's use them for long range and see if I can hit the propane tank on top of that tire out there. Now it's going to be a waste of two slugs. Whatever. I want to wind the trees. Nope. Long range is bad. That's been established. Hopefully this doesn't stop taping. Alright. Alright. I got M now. That little black dot in the middle of that orange thing is my old iPod touch. We're going to see if I can hit it with some buckshot here. If I hit it. Alright. Let's put it on the floor. Put it in the grass. There. See it. This virtually point plank. Just missed. Trying to watch my eyes with this one. There we go. Alright. That was a nice clean hit. Oh boy. I closed my eyes for that too. I didn't want that shit come flying into my eyes. Look at that. Damn. I got obliterated. That's a rock. We need that. What happened to the screen? Here's a piece of the screen. It's hard to see but it's black. Piece of the screen here. Wow. This thing went everywhere. Damn. There. How's that? New angle. Alright. I got one that's down low and I got one on the board. Stop. I hate windy days, dude. Sucks. Alright. Got something different here. Put a little bit of a stack up there. That is a load of fuck. I hit one when it was down on my knee. It hit the board. Stop recording. Stop. That wasn't what I was aiming for. Finally. Alright. Let's get these last three and we'll call it a day and get some fucking tacos. How are we going to be able to fuck? What does that do to that? I don't know if you can see on there but I fucking blew the cap off. That isn't... The cap's gone but the rest is still intact as if it was just opened by somebody. That's not even possible. Oh, I finished it off. Trying to get it from behind the wall. Trying to get the phone hanging over time too. See what the buckshot does to it. If you get the perspective that I get here. Hold up. Help if I load a shell, wouldn't it? Hey, you can see. Let's try the propane. Look at it fly away. I blew the cap off. I have three left anyway. There it goes. We've got two extra rounds to do whatever with. I'm going to try to get the camera. Right, nice. Of course. Fuck you. So yeah, that's all she wrote for today. Countdown the days. It's like 23 days left. That's it. That's insane. So yeah. I gotta go clean everything up. Hooray. Alright. I really was hoping that propane would have done more than just like a pool of like fucking smoke in the air, but whatever. Is that... Well, what else do you want me to say? Go clean everything up. 10. miser calculi 13. muss 14. must 15. must 16. must 17. must 1. The aim is to shoot the gun at the target. 2. The aim is to shoot the target at the target. 3. The aim is to shoot the target at the target. 4. The aim is to shoot the target at the target. 5. The aim is to shoot the target at the target. 6. How to kill a bullet? 7. How to kill a bullet? Josef Dias and 2. Firing is a very important weapon in the game. 3. The aim is to shoot at the target. 4. The aim is to shoot at the target. 5. The aim is to shoot at the target. 6. The aim is to shoot at the target. 7. When hitting slowly, take a kill. 8. "- To get killed, shoot immediately before福島аете." ʻɪʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰʰ Alright, so here we are again up at the shooting range and brought both shotguns today. I'm gonna shoot the new one first. I'm gonna shoot Mackenzie first with just some buckshot. Just get it warmed up and then I'm gonna use the slugs I have and got a surprise for you. Alright, if you can hear me over the breeze, look what I got. We're gonna put a slug through this motherfucker right here. Yeah, I'm gonna use Rachel for the slugs just to preserve Mackenzie. I don't want to put slugs in her. I'm just gonna use buckshot with her. Not that it matters. Slugs don't hurt a shotgun at all, but they're just they're much more powerful and I'd rather use them with the longer barrel. So we're gonna use Rachel for those. Anyways, first time loading this baby. It's a smaller magazine. See that? Put a couple in there. Remember. Alright, I have no idea when that stopped taping, but that sucks. Okay, there's that big-ass thing I was talking about. Just put one in for now. Just give it hell. Alright. Missed. Fitting. Wow. Whoo! Here's the bottom. Here's the top half. Look at that. And that thing was full water. That was incredible. I just realized that that white guy got blown off because I guess I shot a slug through where it was attached to. I need to go back and watch the replay on that. Anyways, got some V8's there. Got some more slugs there. I'm gonna shoot them. Let's see what happens. This camera's a load of shit. Didn't even get me getting that gallon. Okay. Do not stop you bitch. Such a pain in the ass walking all the way back up here. Alright. Great. They're going down. This lens is pissing me off. Just like that. Grape soda. You've reached the end. Not that one. Smells lovely. Smell it death. Try to finish this fruit punch off. Lower. Man, I just thought my camera blew away for a second. That would have sucked. It stayed on there. Wow. How was that even possible? Yes. What was it? I can't tell. Alright. I'm blowing ammo. I'm gonna plug it forever. I gotta put this fucker out of his misery. The wind I tell ya. Ah, close up you idiot. Ah, close up. This battery dies on me. That's the remnants of that big ass five gallon or whatever it was. I only got four shots left. Oh, you got lucky partner. That's two shots. Oh, thanks a lot. Got it. Either way. Mr. Gatorade. Can't miss. This is my last one. That's it. Alright, this camera could stop rolling at any time. But I love it. M's great. Kicks a little harder than Rachel, but you get used to it. My hand was like really sore after like a few of those and then with time, it actually doesn't hurt as bad. Which is crazy. It just comes in short bursts. But it comes amazing. So, yeah, today's May 2nd. The way I see it is June 9th. This is great. The only problem is you run out of ammunition fucking fast. It adds up. I got another 250 coming on Friday. I have about, I'd say 50 at home still, but I just went through that like that. And unfortunately, it didn't get on the camera for all of them, but that's the way it goes. So yeah, gotta go clean up. I want this and that. What am I touching? Nothing, it's already gone. Ready? Yes! Ugh. Holy shit! Oh my god. Wow! Crap! I fucking hit it! Wow! That was insane. Uh oh. Ugh. Alright, let's out. Wow! Should I hit the button? Yeah. Know the surrealness of all this is probably creeping in right now with you thinking I'm watching him right now And he's dead, you know today's April 4th 2017 and I have just over five months to live It's looking like September 7th is gonna be the day the night rather and Here I am recording on video for one of the last times and And I thought I'd sit here today and talk about EGS while I can to answer some questions That will probably forever go unanswered if I don't do it now So yeah, I just thought I would sit here and talk for an hour or so on video Instead of the audio recordings because you won't get to see me anymore And this will be one of the last visuals you'll have of me, you know I don't post like my face on social media much anymore because this isn't who I am, you know I'm Andrew blaze. I'm not this here. I'm that I'm not this, you know, I can't emphasize that enough and Over the last few years. I just hated looking at myself and it's cuz it's not me, you know I didn't just wake up one day and realize that this is who I am, you know It just didn't happen like that. It gradually happened over time Over a span of a round I would say seven to eight years As for how EGS got started it goes back to Middle school where I used to do Timmy Turner and Danny Phantom look like comic drawings in my school notebooks Back in middle school you had to get these books to read which were called accelerated reader books And you would take tests on them So there were books that were on a level high enough to You know test your mental reading ability, I guess and you would get points for it and all that But you only had to read to a quarter. I say only loosely, you know, it's a lot to read But when I wasn't reading I would doodle and I had no idea that this would eventually lead to EGS You know ten years later. I just it was never a thought and It's just crazy. It was like, you know six to seven years after that boom I was drawing cartoons and flash at the time when I was going into ninth grade. I had a stack of papers that was Literally like almost higher than this viewfinder can go it was huge and I burned them all because I was an idiot But it was just taking up space in my closet. So I'm like I need to get rid of stuff So I burned my comics, which I really wish I didn't do But it's what happens you get rid of stuff throughout your life and it's gone forever That's that but you hold on to it in your mind. It's never truly gone forever But either way when I got into ninth grade, that's when I started getting into YouTube And I've made a whole documentary talking about my Pioneers Productions channel and all that so you can watch that if you want in your spare time It's also included in these zip files that you're watching now called the Pioneers Productions anthology Which covers pretty much everything from 2008 all the way through midway through 2014 and Obviously you have other making up videos that I've made since then which could have just been added on to the anthology But unfortunately, I don't have the project XML file anymore because I never knew you could do that until a year and a half ago So all my projects that I've edited and final cut are gone forever I can never get them back and unfortunately the anthology was one of them So, you know a 90 minute documentary gone. So the mastered file is what it is So what you have with these zip files is the official mastered file. It's a DVD quality. It's lossless quality almost So it's the best you can get Anyways watch that if you'd like to learn more about my videos from 2008 to 2014 and you know, etc so in 2015 was when I started doing the EGS stuff In terms of just doing cartoons, but it was a long haul just to get to that point one of the biggest questions probably is how did EGS even start and It goes back to those doodles I mentioned that was the very very start of it But it can even go back farther beyond that It just depends how you look at it because throughout my entire life I always envisioned the afterlife as being this magical place where you can Do like whatever you want it and be whoever you want it and you know Just be happy and be around things that you like and not have to worry about any bullshit that you deal here on earth and You know pretty much since you're a kid you think about things once in a while not all the time But you think from time to time. What is it like to die? You know, it's a question you ask yourself throughout your entire life. What is it like to die and You know depending who you're surrounded by You more likely than not will deal with a relative passing away Who's obviously most likely gonna be anywhere between the ages of 50 and 80 plus, you know, so When I was a kid I dealt with some deaths, but they were just with people who I didn't know much You know when I'm like six to nine years old and you know a great aunt passes away You know, it's like I didn't really know who they were so it like wasn't really sad But still I felt the feels, you know from the funeral and the viewings and all that But I didn't really see a dead body until middle school. It took that long I would like to say it was 2005 was the first time I saw a dead corpse and It just stuck with me just that the thought of just being gone, you know, you're not in this body anymore your soul's gone I made a recording the other day talking about it was like a week ago talking about, you know What I think the meaning of life is and saying everyone has a soul and all this and you know, you can listen to that I won't repeat everything, but you know, it's just it's weird just thinking like that. That's just an empty An empty body. There's no soul in it. There's no life in it. It's dead, you know And it's like where did they go? Where did the soul go and you know, people have their own beliefs on everything And it's just that's what it will be for you in the end what you believe what your faith is. That's where you're gonna end up You know, if you're a Christian Catholic Christian if you're Methodist if you're Lutheran if you're Muslim or something, I mean it doesn't matter what it is. That's what your afterlife is gonna be So it's like your mind saying that this is where I was and these are who my leaders are on the other side And I'm here to accomplish something and I was sent here from them I was assigned a contract saying this is what was gonna be expected of me And this is what was gonna happen and this is how I'm gonna die okay, so Yeah, 2005 was the first pretty much death that I saw that I deal with you know that I actually got to see the course because My great aunt passed away before and it was actually that's who it was his mother Who died the year before that but there was no viewing I Don't remember why but there just wasn't one but she was the first death that I actually like legit dealt with But I just I didn't know her much, but yeah, I was at the funeral and I got teary-eyed because you're you're seeing all these prayer songs and everything and you know He will raise you up on Eagles wings And it just it stuck with me to this day. I still remember that song, but I can't remember all the words But you know, I stuck it's just it stuck with me Okay, and the following year in 2005 her son died and that was the first body I saw the following year in 2006 My grandfather died and that was the first death that just touched close to home for me Even though I spent my entire childhood around my grandmother instead of my grandfather It made me realize like What you have, you know, you realize what you have and sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone and when he died it was like the first time I ever saw like someone like Being unconscious or being in a coma and dealing with cancer and stuff like that Which you know, he died in his house He had this big bed in the living room and he was just hooked up to these machines and everything and was just breathing like really heavily and He was just unconscious and it just happened like that You know one day he was talking and everything and the next day he was gone It was St. Patrick's Day when he died and I just I'll never forget it I was at home watching fairly odd parents and it was very idle. I remember that episode And I just remember watching that and then my grandmother called and said that my parents better get down there because obviously he didn't have a lot of time left and sure enough he passed away that night and My dad obviously was very depressed after that totally changed him for a while and Honestly, it probably still affects him today I don't know because I fucking hate his guts and I wanted to fucking die But it was just the first death that really struck close to home like that for me And I got through it all The funeral I really came close to really Balling but I held it in My dad said he was proud of me for dealing with all this very well and all that But you know, it's just something you shouldn't have to deal with when you're that young but yeah, so That was the very start of like me thinking about death Occasionally, I'd like to say because that was in seventh grade You know seventh grade you're like 12 or 11 or something that you're still really young and You got your whole life ahead of you. You don't think about dying, you know, he's like I can do anything I want to be this or I'm gonna try to be this and you're just planning out your life. You're not thinking you're gonna die and As middle school pressed on I just I wanted to die. I didn't want to go to high school I just kept picturing myself trying to take my life somehow But I just I knew I wasn't gonna go through with it. There's no way you're not You're not likely to kill yourself when you're 11. I mean It just it doesn't happen that often like you'd expect But you know, I eventually got through high school but high school is where Everything began the seed got planted in seventh grade It started to grow underground in high school, but it was out of high school when it started to bloom Ninth grade wasn't too bad once I got into high school and got into the routine of it all and adjusted to it You know, I was okay. I'm like high school is not that bad Still I didn't want to be in school anymore. I wanted to drop out terribly But I knew nobody would let me do it and I had to get a high school degree So I got through ninth grade without really any trouble I mean, obviously I started learning the responsibility of studying and doing well on your tests and everything because this is when it really starts to count You know when you're gonna start looking at colleges and they're gonna be looking at your grades and everything and I just had no clue What I wanted to do. I mean, I loved the video camera and everything but I'm still tossing back and forth in my head what it was I really wanted to do and You know over the years that started to creep back into my mind But tenth grade and eleventh grade were the big speed bumps in my life Because this is when I started doing that on tests, you know The exams the tests the quizzes I got poor grades and these tests had to be signed by my parents So I couldn't just lie and say I was doing okay. I had these I had C's I was borderline failing classes and It just it was a really bad time for me in high school I had to get tutored for my math class because I failed the first half of it I never ever up till that point in tenth grade failed a class Fortunately the class is split in half so between the first two marking periods So a semester in college terms and I had a 64 percent for the first half That's an F the second half I had a 74 Which the second half was a lot easier compared to the first half, but I say the tutoring helped a little bit But still that still made me feel extremely pressured, you know, and now it's like great Well now if I keep doing bad what's gonna happen and then every fucking test that comes up You have the fear of failure and I just started going in those darker places I see like all these people, you know in movies or on TV shows and everything It's like why can't I be these people right now? Why can't I have like Why can't I just not why can I not take tests? Why can I? Why can't I just get out of school? You know, I just don't want to do this anymore I'm looking at people on social media that are in college now It's like well these people already went through this and they're done with it and they never have to do it again I just wish I could just throw everything out the window and just stop, you know and Throughout the rest of the year. It was still borderline season D's. I didn't get really any A's in 10th grade it was a really rough year and this was during the time when something started to change with me which is also when you start going through puberty and stuff and I had a very high voice throughout most of my life and in 10th I would say the very end of 10th grade is when it finally started to get a little deeper But was I was also weird was I Found myself wearing women's clothing from my mom's closet And I just loved it and I couldn't explain the feeling it just felt It just felt like right in a way It's very hard to explain But it wasn't like I was gay because I knew I didn't like guys I never was attracted to guys I was always attracted to girls in high school I would always be looking at their legs or at their chest at their hair at their eyes at their crotch You know what you do as a guy, but I Was just envision myself being one of them and I was just never as Like my high school years went on I Just felt more and more lost like I had no clue what I was but I knew flat out that I wasn't gay I fucking hate guys. I hate the facial hair. They have I hate their crotch is I hate The way their body structure is I hate them being really muscular inject You know, I just always hated guys. I was never into guys They just disgust me and they really do honestly guys are just the most disgusting thing on this planet and I Just was thinking it's like well, what the hell am I and I didn't really research what? genders people could be and all this stuff and It was just I didn't know what I was but I just kept going back to girls and wanting to wear women's clothing I mean it wasn't like a transvestite thing where you're a guy fantasizing about being a woman and just wearing the clothes and all that it was much deeper than that and It wasn't until once I got out of college that I really started to realize who I was it took a long time You know, it took me all the way through grade school through college to even realize this So, you know people out there that were struggling and trying to figure out who they are You'll eventually discover it. It just might not happen right away Some people discover it at a very young age. It's like I was always great at doing this I was always great at playing instruments. I was always great at building things or a woodshop or You know, I was always great at fixing things or I was always great at you know helping people You know, I was always great at lifting heavy things and all this and you could put two and two together and then you start realizing Hey, you know, I could be a craftsman or a construction worker or a firefighter or a computer technician You know all this stuff that you do throughout your life You might just realize right then and there what your talent is and this is what your life's gonna be and you never ever really look back For me It was a million different things mixed into one and that was a problem because I had no fucking clue what I wanted to do with my life Because in middle school was when it really started to get like legit Into the thought of what I wanted to do and I was always great at writing stuff I love to write back when you actually didn't have to use laptops and computers for everything We would write our essays on paper. We would write stories on paper for writing class You know like a narrative story and all that and I just loved writing and one thing that always stood out to me was All of my stories almost all of them would end with the person dying at the end So that's a little bit of a red flag right there for everyone in the future trying to prevent people from killing themselves You might want to take a few notes on that but that's where the writing started and In middle school. I also was walking around with the video camera as well So, you know, the two had to become one and obviously I was very fond of the computer so It was in middle school where that started and I must have wrote like four or five stories where the character got killed at the end and I actually turned these in as assignments and I never got like any like Weird looks from the teacher or anything. She was a nice teacher and everything really great But she never like felt concerned about that. I guess she just figured no, you know an overactive imagination He's a middle schooler. So what you know, it's better than writing shit, you know so Yeah, like one story was about a kid who was exploring space the Synopsis was you had to write a story about a guy who woke up or a girl who woke up You know, I just got out of his chair and opened his bedroom door and saw something on the other side So what I wrote was he opened the door and saw the solar system because I was fascinated with space I love the planets. I love the stars and all that I still do still fascinates me But I just wrote it so he opened his door and saw the entire Galaxy and solar system outside his bedroom door He hopped on a spaceship and then started visiting every single planet So this story turned out to be like ten pages long So I think I got deducted points for that But I had to you know, I described exactly every single planet How it was because I was obsessed with the planets and solar system in middle school So I got overly descriptive with stuff and in the very end after he got to Pluto He started going back to Earth and then he burned up on reentry like the space shuttle, Columbia. So little inspiration there So yeah, the teacher never like felt concerned or anything I just remember not getting any feedback in terms of that So I don't know what she was thinking but yeah, and it wasn't just writing assignments. I would just write in general I would write ten page stories if that just in a notebook, which is long gone I don't have it now, but it would just always really end It would always usually end with a guy dying at the end so being a writer was a thought and I just envisioned myself writing stories, which it didn't last too long by time I got to high school I was into the video camera and It was all about you know filming for news stations or Documentaries or something, but I had no idea but I just wanted to do movies That's what I knew I wanted to do but I just I never pictured me actually being able to do it and It's just it was in the back of my mind just I should just get something with a Degree with something you could do with a video camera So 11th grade starts and that's when the darkness started to creep into my life a little bit more Yeah, it was there with the fear of failure and tests and all that But this is when it started to grow a little bit more and 11th grade Was when they start pressuring you in school through your guidance counselors to start planning for college and looking at colleges and all this And this is when I really started to just hate everything about school. I didn't want to go to school anymore I didn't want to try on the tests anymore. I had been study like I used to and you know My grades were obviously affected by that and I were getting some bad history grades Science grades obviously that was one area. I always struggled in was history science and math Which is you know the bulk of your education? But you know school it just I never felt like school was ever felt I just I never felt like school is ever for me the more I went the more I just stopped caring and I just Fled out didn't care about school. I did Enough to get by You know you have some concern on the side of that from the teachers and all that but I did enough to get by To be average, you know But it was obviously affecting my parents and they were lecturing me constantly about how important it is to get good grades and Being able to get a decent job and all this and it just it just kept getting darker in my head This is when I started getting into ember and This was way back when that low quality version was still all you had It wasn't until 2014 when that HD version finally surfaced on the internet So this was back around 2009 2010 and The summer of 2010 was when the ember thing started So I just remember just it was just something about how she looked Like we all say like yeah, like we all kind of matured a little when we first saw her but it was just it it just looked familiar and At the time Danny Phantom had been around for you know a good six years So I kind of remember vaguely seeing that character back in like 2006 But it just it felt like so much more at home for me now it just seemed like so much more than just being familiar with her and And it's just very hard to explain. I just could not stop playing the track I just played the living hell out of that song and I just kept envisioning Setting myself on fire and it's what I really considered doing my parents went away for a cruise And I'm like alright, I'll do it then I'll set myself on fire by pouring gasoline on me and letting a match Which I'm really glad I never did because that's not gonna really kill you It's just gonna leave you badly burned for the rest of your life and beyond repair So I want to know how many people actually killed themselves by just pouring gasoline on them and setting themselves on fire It's really not likely to kill you But it's just that was around the time I got a job too and you know the that's one thing I also didn't really mention is all the the stress of trying to find a part-time job and not wanting to work and all that and It got much worse later down the road But at that time I got hired at McDonald's after trying like 20 places because I wasn't even 18 yet So some places you need to be 18 after trying like 15 to 20 places McDonald's was the only one that called and I applied there twice so I Did the basic training for three hours on the first day and then I quit which Devastated my parents. My dad was just furious my mom Took it better than he did but I just couldn't even look at him after that and that's when the hatred for him started It was from pretty much that day fourth And while it goes back to the 10th grade high school grades situation That's when that first legit started, but the job thing just you know capped it off but Yeah, so it was just Everything around me was just dark and that's when he started lecturing me You know you have no friends you don't hang out with anybody you don't go anywhere You don't do anything you just sit in your room on the computer all day on day and that's all you do and Inside I'm thinking this is what I like to do. You know, this is who I am if you don't like it fuck off and Of course, I didn't say anything like that. I just was just laying on my bed He was sitting on the chair here and just giving me a big like 15 minute lecture You know the lights were dimmed in here and it was just that typical parenting shit that you hate as a teenager and From that point forward I never looked at him the same way again. I hated his guts. I Tried being nice around him, but you know, he'd be moody with his job and it just from that point forward I just hated his fucking guts and It only got worse from then on yet He probably sees me as not thinking much of him nowadays, but he'd probably be shocked hearing what I'm saying about him now But my brother connected with him well that filled that void. I connected with my mother well so The relationships in the house just became me and mom Jeremy dad that's what it was Because my mom I always felt like I could tell anything my dad I Couldn't I just I couldn't talk to him about stuff He just wasn't that type of person to me my mom was and you always had that you know the mother daughter or the mother son connection but It's just my mother was so much more understanding so much easier to talk with and Wouldn't freak out on you if you did something really bad like It just feel like you'd get through it. It's just she was just easier to talk with and My dad it was just like talking to a fucking mentor or like a high school counselor or like a fucking boss and it just wasn't right and Honestly, I can't tell you like the last time I really like Like gave him my two cents on things or like how I'm feeling or why I'm doing what I'm doing or just like why I am How I am I just I never did I never got into a conversation about that Like there would be times where me and my brother and dad would be around the the bonfire in the backyard drinking Beer or whatever and we kind of get into like weird talks But I just I never got into that with myself just because I didn't give a shit because I knew he wasn't gonna Be able to Help me in any way because he would just see it as me just being a depressed teenager or you know young adult like I am now and Would just try to steer me in the right direction for my life and get me to move out of the house and hold a stable job and all Listen all the while I'm thinking back in 2013 2012 that I'm gonna be killing myself in a few years. I knew pretty much back in 2012 that in a few years I would be dead and I just didn't know how many years it would be 2014 was like intended to be the last big year for me on YouTube and it was when you look at it Because I made so many videos saying I'm probably only gonna be doing YouTube videos for at least another year so that was me nonchalantly saying I'm gonna be dead shortly after that and 2017 it seems like way out there like I thought by 2016 I would have been dead I didn't think there was any way I was gonna still be alive and That's why I started putting all these death references in my videos in 2014 and 2013 to start to get darker and Just it's it just slowly Started to decline from the comedy and go into the darker stuff 2013 by the end of it was When it just took off The figure in black series was gonna be the next big thing with my channel at that time Which was all gonna be based on paranormal demonic stuff. It was all gonna be dark content, you know, so By the end of summer that was it Comedy was done. I was just done with that So yeah, I got that my dad wanted me to be successful But I just was never meant to be on this earth Longer than 20 some years. It's just that's how it is. That's how it was written up. That's just how it is tough shit and You know, you have that thought process throughout your mind all throughout your life It's like, you know, I'm gonna be dead in a few years It really doesn't matter what I do, you know, sure I can get a job But for what purpose, you know in a couple years, I'll be dead and You know 11th grade was 11th grade was when I really had to start being a little bit more open and vocal because that's when they start pressuring you for Colleges and everything and you need to be vocal and Express your interests and things and what you don't like and where you want to go and what you're comfortable with and just Where you want to go with your life and that's what I really hated I always kept everything inside, but I would just you know Creatively turn that into my YouTube stuff, you know It really shows if you watch my older YouTube stuff the old 2008 to 2010 stuff was really stuff made without a care in the world. There wasn't anything weighing me down Even the first video I made that references that reference me having a job But which I think was fuck the world or fuck life I changed the title a couple times, but I'm like I got employed Shit, you know, but I still was like carefree about it all it didn't seem to really bother me too much and It was in 2013 that everything tanked Which I'll get too soon. It's all EGS related everything. I'm telling you is EGS related It's just everything happened during this time span So from 11th through 12th grade, that's when the darkness of the world was setting in that, you know You're gonna be out of this high school in a couple years and then eventually a couple months and then a few weeks And then you're graduated and you're done and then that real-world shit creeps into your life And it's like what am I gonna do with my life? Where am I gonna go and I just kept pushing it back and back and back and back So I kept like avoiding it, you know, cuz my first year of college was all general studies classes I went to Luzern County Community College to save money and I just took my general core classes there for a year and I used that as an excuse to be like alright. Well by the end of that I should know what I'm gonna do and The general idea was take my core classes there and then transfer it to a university like Bloomsburg University or a Misercordia to take my major classes when in reality it didn't matter because LCC Luzern County Luzern County Community College had a decent broadcast program Which is what I ended up doing so I took it at LCC So I stayed at that campus for the next two years until I was done. So, you know, I went to college for three years and That was just that was the only thing I can think to do because Like I'm saying I knew full well, I knew full well. I was gonna be dead And that's just what made the most sense and all the while I'm thinking, you know, I'm gonna be dead in a few years It doesn't matter What I do, I don't necessarily have to use the degree for anything But it just made the most sense. It was it was close to home, you know, it was like a 20 minute drive It was shooting stuff on video and writing scripts and all this and stuff that I was good at and that I was familiar with So I took the broadcast program And I made a whole other recording talking about all the shit that happened with the people I got stuck working with or the instructors I've had And it's just it all contributed to EGS, you know, Matt Murray died Tom Lynch died That really was the first Like glimpse into the ghost squad stuff If you look back 2013 was when I got word that Matt died. It was January of 2013 Two months after that in March was when I got into Ember and never got out of her March 2013 was when I made the black ops 2 emblem of Ember McLean for Xbox and I ended up using it everywhere from then on out There were these silhouette arts that I made where you can't see the face But you can see the border of the hair and the face and the body and that ended up being the recruiter ghosts And at the time I had no idea So before you knew it Ember was appearing everywhere on my YouTube channel pioneers productions It was the profile picture. It was in the end screen. It was on my Twitter on my Facebook in my gaming videos She was everywhere And it didn't really make too many people question why which I don't know why it took a while But then once I started showing her in the the EGS prologue series That's when things started to be questioned by people But 2013 was the ultimate staple in EGS This was when all this stuff happened to me in about a four-month span of time I can't remember exactly everything that happened, but 2013 I'm always superstitious about the number 13. I never liked the number 13. I always thought I was unlucky and I just I was superstitious about it. Okay, and What happens second week of January? 2013 Got word that Matt died About 10 days after that my great-grandfather died Okay About a week and a half two weeks after that. I told of my car Ten days after I told of my car my brother told his car 7400 some dollars between both cars of damage so That was a lot in that amount of span on top of that the well pump in our yard broke and About six feet of our yard collapsed and caved in and we were flooding our basement That was like mid-January 2013 so all of that happened within a few months and There were quite a few other little stupid subtle things that happened I can't remember everything but just one thing kept leading to another to another to another into another and In March was when I got into ember and then it just it just felt It just felt More than familiar that's all I can say I just kept looking at her and it's like she got it She understood me. I understood her. We had feelings for each other and It just it was way more than just a simple connection it was life-changing and this is just a static 2d flattened image on a screen, you know and I I Just I went into a zone that I had never really been in before Nothing seemed to matter It was just like a Magical dark place and it was a dark place. It wasn't happy sunshine rainbow stuff. It was a dark and depressing place and Ember just I felt like I could trust her. I felt like we had known each other before and I Just felt like I Could have been her in a way It's very hard to explain but even just like her body type all that just felt familiar and That got me She was one of the original reasons I got into cross-dressing back in early high school was when I Would occasionally look up ember remember, you know ember mclean remember on YouTube or on butch Hartman's website, you know and just looking at how she looked and everything and it just It made me want to dress up like her But of course I don't have anything remotely close to that But I ended up going into my mom's closet and putting on her bras or her tops or her jeans or whatever and just wearing girl clothes and it just felt right and It all goes back to ember in a way and Just like that black top You know my mom had a bra that looked somewhat similar to that and I would put it on I would you know Like look in the mirror and pretend I was singing into a microphone or playing the guitar, you know And my skin was really really pale white so it looked somewhat close to ember And it's just that's where that all started ember started that whole shebang for me pretty much and That carried its way all the way into Late college with wearing my mom's clothes once in a while. I Eventually bought my own stuff So once I had a credit card and everything and goodbye online That's when I started shopping through American Eagle and airy whatever it's called And started buying stuff from there not a shitload but enough and That's what you ended up seeing in videos like abyss or the picture of me sitting on the bed next to the ember poster the Andrew blaze prologue series reboot attempt video that Ultimately just got turned into a compilation between me and Rachel on the EGS channel later down the road but That's it's all thanks to ember so I would just listen to that song constantly on repeat and just begging to hear the HD version of that song because that song is it's worse than bootleg quality almost is Downright bad the way that mix sounds is literally as if someone held like a cell phone up to a computer speaker and recorded it It's really bad So that thought of longing to have the HD version of song also made me want to continue to live You know because I wanted to hear it but Ember just just all it took was one look at her just one look Even if it was just a glance it took one look. That's all it took and I was hooked So my interest in school just tanked in 2013. I could not care less about school There was so many classes. I just skipped, you know, I still ended up passing pretty much everything But you know, I had my fair share classes I had to repeat that were the general studies classes before that but um in 2013 I was into my major classes, so there really weren't any general studies classes left to take So all I was really taking were my majors and I passed all those with at least a C or higher, so But just all the while when I'm in there, I'm just thinking about death and dying and ghosts and just Not wanting to be here anymore So the very first time I ever used Ember in any video had to be the gaming videos that I used to do I used to make gaming compilations back in 2013 on a channel called pioneers gaming or pioneers horror I ended up changing the name because I was rejected for ad revenue sharing or something. I can't really remember but So I would use her at the end of the video for the end screen You know gaming channels always have these big fancy end screens and everything so I would use ember and I had like the silhouettes the recruiters Pan across the screen at the end and I would have a song playing and all that and I Ended up using her in every single video and it kept getting used more and more and more throughout my YouTube career And I started using her so much that people started to question my fascination with her and they just didn't get it You had people I played with like David and Damian make me about 35 You know David will always constantly bust me about her and saying you know She's like my wife who and all that and I just I didn't care it didn't bother me really but All the while I'm still trying to figure out who I am and that's when people started poking fun at me for being gay a lot Just in a joking manner. They didn't really legit mean it on Xbox But like Alicia who was Damian's girlfriend at the time would always kind of bust me about that David would all the time Which I still think he's gay I don't know for sure, but something tells me he is and he just doesn't want to admit that but you know that that was constantly there and It got to the point where I didn't think that they really liked me at all But then I'm like, well, why do they keep asking me to play Xbox with them? Which turns out they did like me they actually cared about me and all that so but It was just it was something that kind of bugged me after a while because people saw me as being gay And it's like yeah, you don't have a girlfriend and you know, you don't really talk about sex much Or you know, you say you don't really watch porn which I kind of find impossible which at the time I'm like, I don't I don't watch pornography. I don't look up sex tapes or anything like that because I never did and Because David's like a big massive porn addict. He could tell you Anything about porn that you'd want pretty much you could name any kind of porn that you'd want there's a porn for everything and everything all that you know and I always hated when they would get into that kind of subject I always hated talking about penises or vaginas or sex or pornography and what turns me on and Eventually the one night we all started talking about our first time that we masturbated which was hilarious It just became a regular thing Almost like every other Wednesday when they would go to their bowling leagues I would dress up like that and it was either doing that or filming a YouTube video really wasn't anything else And yeah, so I was always uncomfortable talking about that kind of stuff and I'm obviously not gonna say Oh, well, you know when I'm alone I wear girl clothes, you know, you don't do that make them Question you even more So whenever that kind of stuff would come up I would just kind of try to ignore it or I would mute them or whatever But Damian never did that to me. It was always David or hobo or Alicia or Alicia's brother Mike, you know or Mike's friends and yeah I just I always hated that area and also these people are all older than me. I was the baby of the group I was like I was 20 borderline 21, which is still decent, you know by then everyone's pretty much had sex by then mostly and They're all in college out of college 23 24 25 Even 26, you know, they're all well older than I am and It's just I hated talking about that stuff and Still do honestly, but at this point in my life, what does it matter? It doesn't but it was just Amber was my girl Amber was my crush to I wanted to be with for my life pretty much and Yeah, I mean I would occasionally always look at girl not occasionally I'd always look at girls when I was at college or at high school and Just visualizing being them, you know But there was never a girl that I met that was like I'd kill to date her I'd kill to fuck her You know, I just never had that desire to be in a relationship which Always made people like question why I wasn't Dating anybody like my mom especially be like, you know, how come you you don't have there's no girls that you like girl this and That eventually led to in like 2016 asking if I was gay, which it took that long but It just it got so desperate for her in a way that they set me up They tried to set me up with the girl at a wedding back in 2015 when I filmed a One of my friends it was a family friends daughters wedding Which I barely remember even agreeing to do which I wish I honestly never did it in the first place But there was a girl there who was like, oh, she's so fucking nerdy Very quiet and she like oh, they'll be perfect for you and all this and it just they tried to set me up And it pissed me off Really did that's not how you do that. It's just you shouldn't do things like that to people And also just expecting it to work. It's just oh, I wanted to fucking crucify them for that and I just I talked with her for like I Didn't talk to her at all actually The guy who was the father of the girl getting wed Um Brought me over to her and just kind of said, you know I have a mission for you and all this and this is a girl who's like interested in videos too and all this and I think maybe You should talk and all this and I didn't really realize that that's what they were doing to me I'm like, well, yeah, but my brother actually knows more about the technical aspects of the video camera and all this just like completely clueless to what they were trying to do to me and then In the end when I started walking back to the table I just like turned to my mom and said like you're a fucking asshole or something like I I don't remember exactly what I said but She thought it was funny. I didn't think it was that funny It's like geez like they're really desperate for me to find a girl I like to go to that extreme to set me up at a wedding. It's like What the fuck? so that never ended up happening but It's even on the fucking what do the wedding footage somewhere Saying, you know that girl's still over there. I forget her name, but he was hinting at me You know, she's still over there, you know, like fucking go away So I don't want to cause a scene at his daughter's wedding. You know, this is a once in a lifetime chance and all this so I I just acted like it was no big deal, but I was fucking enraged It pissed me off So, yeah, I'm just I'm like this is just how I am. I'm fine being alone. That's always what I would just say I'm like, I'm not I'm not into relationships. I just I don't care to be in a relationship like on my live streams Sitting right here at the computer. That's what I would tell people would be like you have a girlfriend I'm like, no, are you gay? No, I'm like, I just don't like Relationships really never dated every never dated anybody never wanted to you know, and people just couldn't buy that and Yeah, I just I remember the first time hearing in like late middle school that people were dating I'm like, what the fuck like it just didn't seem right to me and Even in high school you hear people like okay, this they're together or they were fucking the other night or you know They're in a relationship. They're dating etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. I just I didn't care And then I started feeling pressured throughout high school like maybe I do need to date somebody but I just I Never did never went on a single date in my life 24 and a half years almost on this earth never been on a date Which some people probably are like pulling their hair out thinking why? but yeah, it's just it was never there and It's cuz I'm not from this world you have different attractions and you have different goals and different objectives and Being in a relationship was just never one of them so I Was asked out once Maybe twice, but it was the same girl But I was asked out once and it was really lame how she did it This was a girl that I hung out with at school not off school But at school in third grade at recess all the fucking time We were trying to find four leaf clovers on the knoll over there the grassy knoll and all this and we just Hang out on the playground and just talk and she kind of told me about sex back in third grade And she was the first person to ever tell me about that and I couldn't exactly remember everything she said But I just kind of was like okay. It's really weird and she would kind of talk about like you know girls are more flexible than guys That's why I can do stuff like this and like arts my back all the way and bring my head all the way under and all this and do Cartwheels and I still like tried like doing cartwheels in early elementary school because I thought they were cool I like doing cartwheels. I never was able to do them properly But yeah, so this girl in I think Midway through 11th grade asked me out. It was 10th or 11th. I can't remember but it was just before like Thanksgiving break She just walked up to me in lunch and then just put down like a sticky note or a paper or something Like I guess a folded up paper and she wrote on it You know like I know we don't talk very much or I can't remember exactly what she said I don't want to make a lie out of it But you know something like you know, I know we don't talk very much, but I've always liked you and would you ever consider dating me? If not, it's okay or something, but yeah, just throwing myself out there, you know and I obviously never Never dated her, but I don't I don't even know if I like said anything back after that But you know, she could have just asked me But yeah, it's just I'm like no because for one I didn't like how she looked just was not my type of a girl at all and Obviously by now, you know what my type of girl is and it's Mackenzie so but yeah, it just it never would have worked and I think she ended up dating one of like the big red necks in my grade so Yeah It's a big what if but I'm glad I never did it I think the last time I ever saw her Was the graduation lock-in because that's when they were doing the hypnosis thing and she was in the video which is funny So she's in one of my videos preserved for all time now But yeah, I just I never dated So this all ties into EGS in a way because it's all just the deep dark depths of the abyss of my mind and Just not giving a fuck about the world anymore. Once I got through college. I just I didn't want to get a job I didn't want to get a career. I just didn't want to have anything to do with this fucking world anymore and All I cared about was ember all I cared about was death ghosts funerals graves dark music Horror music, you know, it's just that's all I really cared about at that time and Obviously send requests helped me get out of that zone a little bit with their pop punk music But I was just in the darkest places I've ever been in my life and I've never gotten out of that Nor do I want to But I was still trying to figure out What my purpose was and in the way I felt like I had achieved that purpose is like maybe I was just sent here to make videos and then Learn from my mistakes Maybe a little bit and learn to overcome bad things in my life and help make a difference for people through my YouTube content Showing that you can do anything and in a way that that is part of it Showing that you can do anything, you know, look what I've managed to accomplish in Nine years of doing content, you know, you can do anything you want if you put the time and you have the passion and dedication to do it and I felt like that was really it and to this day. I still feel in terms of dealing with people that was really all I was really meant to do because It's one of those Typical stories of the nobody or the nerd in school making it big on the internet, which I was never really big But it got to the point where if I went to make me bad's live shows people would recognize me. So that was cool But then it was also you get some backlash for that people be like, oh, yeah, you're the guy who has the man crush on Damian You know, which wasn't true But it's just something you got to deal with when you do like three collabs and obviously people get jealous of you and obviously They get like over obsessive over you because you know Damian, you know, even though I only knew him through the internet But yeah, I just I just wanted to make a difference with people and to show that you can do whatever you wanted But then I started to realize what more I could do with that You know, I can show the world a whole new perspective on life with EGS later down the road. It's what I realized But I just started hiding stuff in my videos. I started hiding stuff in my videos because I wanted to show how I was really feeling without Really like just straight out coming out saying this is how I feel and If you noticed in 2014, that's when everything turned dark You had amnesia rape, which in a way was my fear of gay people in a way or the fear of Being accused as being gay or or just being raped by someone who's gay I was just I called it amnesia rape and The whole focus of it was the gay whale finally having his way with me you know, I was tied to a chair and couldn't move and he was fucking my ass and It's just one way of saying that but it was just it was dark it was the first like legit like dark disturbing video I'd ever done quite like that and And that led to the search for a member which was a big Insight into how I was feeling like I'm just laying around all the shots are depressing You have black and white shots the life looks like it was drained out of me in a few shots and I was gonna kill myself. That was like one of the first four shadowings of killing myself There was one before that in the crazy Christmas maniac video where there was a gun that I was holding and I tripped and Shot myself in the head on accident That's how the video ended There were obviously times in the past where I pretended to kill myself for things which I didn't actually like really mean it back Then is like symbolizing things, but around the time of the crazy Christmas maniac That's when I was legit serious about Ending my life within the next few years and that's when you started getting darker stuff in there. You started seeing guns you started Seeing ember, you know So the whole search for a member video was just basically saying I'm at the end of the line We're never gonna find this song. There's not much more point in me living on anyways There's not much more I can do and that was also during the time where I was like making videos saying I don't see what more I can really do I think in a year. I'll be done that was about I'd say like nine months after I made a video like that and search for a member was really lucky because Way, I wasn't really lucky because I just think it was destiny was part of the contract I signed that the track would surface and then that would lead to everything that it has now It wasn't just like a big stroke of luck was meant to happen and then you eventually saw a Lot of you probably know Although probably a lot of you don't know is I'm also a worthless toaster on YouTube That is the channel that has the ember video that has the most views and has the most discussions and everything and it got over 1.5 million views in a couple years as of April 4th 2017 that has pretty much 1.6 million views. It's the most viewed ember video on the internet. It's what Everybody goes to when they look up remember pretty much and that's the video that took off and somebody also uploaded a version that day That the song was found like an hour after I did I was the first one to upload it But people started reposting and mirroring the song, you know Just downloading the track and uploading it as their own and all that but mine was actually a music video But it was it wasn't the greatest edit of all time or anything But it was still cool because I've been making that edit for years throughout this whole ember thing like in 2013 and all that I made a bunch of different music videos for that song with the low quality track and then Uploaded that I'm worthless toaster and then it just took off. I could not believe it But at the same time I I knew it would happen You know this was a song that people died for for years and the video just started Cranking out views it didn't go viral right away And I don't consider it to be a viral video because viral is like something that happens like overspent of a few days or so And you get like a hundred thousand some views It was like twenty thousand at the end of the first week So that's not technically viral but later on I started to realize I can use this as a marketing tool for EGS So I started putting annotations on there and links for the channel in the video and that's how I've gotten some new subscribers I would think so yeah the ember thing wasn't just a fluke thing. It was in everything I did from that point on 2014 on everything was ember related Worthless toaster all you saw on there were ember videos Pioneers productions ember was in every video Since the search for a member that technically counts That was actually the ember mclean DVD footage from the episode the ember that was in extinction Resurrection absolution wasn't ember mclean. It was a recruit. I just called her ember flores at the time but It was a little that I know foreshadowing Mackenzie in a way That's pretty much how that came to be in my mind But at the time I just said it was ember because that's what she looked like she looked exactly like ember mclean You know that's who it was, but it wasn't But extinction was the first time you saw that black ops 2 model in a video was at the very end and that was like the big you know twist and at all and And everything From amnesia rape on throughout that entire year and these are rape was in January 2014 That and every video from that point forward was dark Yeah, search for a member was comedic at times, but it was still dark themed when you think about it Extinction followed the search for a member which was pretty much the most psychotic I'd ever been on film before I'm stabbing the frog and whale and killing them then I tore the tendon in my finger which led to three surgeries and it's still permanently stuck like this and You know she was in resurrection which was completely dark from start to finish like extinction was Absolution was pretty much just a feels video, but it was dark, but all these videos were dark and it's all ember related It was It was what led to the start of the EGS channel They all had something to offer in a way and these are rape was the comedic humor Search for a member was a combination of comedic humor and dark content extinction was just flat out dark Resurrection was story as well as dark content and Absolution brought the whole series full circle and it gave you the feels through it all But all these were all dark and really well written when you think about it That's when I started really using my writing skills was for that series Which I originally called it the EGS Prologue series. I eventually renamed it to the Pioneers Productions finale series So the finale series was what I considered to be Pretty much my best written work until the EGS tape stuff started That's when I think that my writing took off and you know, everything was much more surreal and Closer to home feeling for people so The EGS Prologue series I still consider it my best work on film, but nowadays I don't consider it really my best work But in a way it is nothing's really come close to that. I mean, yeah, it's me talking to and an Image of a character model that can barely move But it uh, it just gave you a full insight into my mind at that time Whether you realize it or not You know resurrection I'm talking about ending it all killing myself. It'd make me happier I'd be a ghost like you and I'd find true happiness, you know that dark scene in the car that still sticks with me and I did that scene so many times. I reshot it once and I must have done like 30 takes for that. It was ridiculous but Those videos when you pull them apart slowly one by one You start to get into my mind and see what I was feeling at that time and what I wanted to say to the world You know, I'm gonna kill myself in a few years, you know And just feeling lost No direction No idea where I was gonna go with my life It was all in those videos So once the EGS ProLux series wrapped up that was intended to be The end absolution was meant to be the last big video and then I got the idea to do maybe one more because I Just I felt like it was a shitty way to end it, you know I just shot myself in the head and that was it and I'm like that's really Weak, you know to go out like that So the next video I ended up writing ended up being curtain call And welcome to the squad. It was a double episode and that was the first official EGS video. That's when EGS technically started was in 2015 I was well out of my league with animation at that time I thought I could pull off everything and I could crank it out within like a couple months and it would look cool and I Started to realize this is a long process So, yeah Welcome to the squad was where I started throwing in all the EGS related stuff I start talking in voiceover about what the squad is about what they look for what it's like in that world and How hard it is to be in the ghost squad, you know, like they train you you go through all these things You know, just get recruited and exist, you know, you live for the rest of your Eternal existence in this world of trying to dominate the world in this army of ghosts and Discovering who you actually truly are and this was around the time where I did start to discover that, you know That's when you started to have the Andrew Blaze character start out and Andrew Blaze was myself from The prologue series the finale series it was technically it was meant to be the same character, but Throughout the prologue series. I'm called Randy, which is my legal born name, which I fucking hate and in 2015 was when I called myself Andrew and It wasn't until a year later that I started to take it seriously because 2015 into Late 2016 was when I discovered who I was it took that long, you know Wasn't just an overnight thing So in reality it took between like 2005 through 2016 took a long time to discover who I was and It's just EGS just started from all that dark stuff. I Just sat down and just lost myself. There's no really other way to put it I just loved being in that zone. I loved thinking about death dying Invisioning killing myself killing other people Just being free from this world and not having a care in the world to exist in peace and just acceptance and Accepting who I was and having people not give a shit, you know just being happy and I Couldn't do that in this body. It just wasn't possible it wasn't meant to be and It's just it's where I felt at home and I later learned that it's where my home is This has been my home for 24 years but It's time for me to move on to the next level Or rather move back to where I was At first I thought that that's where I was destined to go But the more I thought about it the more I realized that that's where I was before I was here I was already there. I'm just sent here on a mission, you know so it took a lot of time to discover myself it wasn't just an overnight thing and Nobody on earth Sees it my way because I can't tell you that stuff about me because then you'll start getting Concerned and then my parents could find out and then I could end up in a mental ward, you know and I'm not mentally insane. I'm not psychotic. I'm just me. I'm Andrew blaze. It's who I am and It's been insanely hard to not post on social media that these are the last five months You'll have to talk with me, you know five months from now. I'll be dead and then all these people who have watched me will have regrets or Have questions that might have never been answered, you know and just wanting to talk to me again or not being able to accept that I'm gone and It's just gonna happen like that I'll be here and then I'll be gone and I Don't know Some people I will feel sorry for you know like people like Nellie Simmons. I feel sorry for her because She felt like she could tell me anything really as for me with her I feel like I could tell her pretty much anything except this you know and Damian obviously I've felt even a bigger connection with now because he's into darker stuff now his videos really changed with his style and He makes a lot of like death references in his videos now or taking his life and everything I think he will eventually kill himself one day. I think he will or if not my death will help Him steer clear of that path. Who knows? But I can picture him taking his own life within the next like seven years. I could see it happening I couldn't way back then nowadays. Yeah, I could Because in a way, I feel like he's kind of like me where he's just lost. He has no direction. He doesn't know where he's gonna go and He just doesn't see any way out of it and especially not with YouTube like losing ad revenue and everything He's not getting enough views like he used to and eventually he probably won't be able to live off of that and he's probably Just in a whole other world right now So who knows? I mean, I doubt he'll ever watch this from start to finish, but you never know I've been wrong about things before but It's just all that over the last few years of my life just that teenage stress It was just so much more than just that. I just never felt like I belonged here never It's just once high school started that's when everything changed and and People will probably some people probably will never be able to accept what I did and It doesn't bother me. You think what you want you live your own life, you know, you're in control of what you do and how you feel usually Yeah, some things are predetermined a destined to happen, but you have your own opinions on things and You know, I did what I had to do. There wasn't any way around it. This was this is just the way I had to go And as brutal as it may have been for people to witness, you know, who had to You know deal with my corpse. It's It's life It's life There's nothing that anyone could have done to prevent this It was just destined to happen from the beginning and In 2010 I could have easily tried taking my life back then but I didn't And It's just it's crazy Five months, that's it It's a lengthy period of time, but it's not really so I Mean EGS it's so much more than just a cartoon. It's not a cartoon. It's life And it's what the afterlife is for some people like myself and And Surprisingly the support on it has been nothing sort of amazing. I expected to get thumbs down to oblivion on those videos I put out Especially like the videos with myself or Alex, you know male recruits talking through female bodies, you know, that's not what anybody in their right mind would do and People like it and that's great and I would hope to goddess that this spawns followers, you know Some of you whether you know it or not are destined to join that ghost squad when you die and It's just a matter of time for some of you Some of you might end up taking your own life. Some of you might get taken out by something you can't control car accident gunshots Explosions even you know, you don't know a Mental illness or a terminal illness, you know anything can happen to you and Generally the ghost squad recruits people ranged anywhere from age like 10 through mid to late 30s That's usually the cutoff point. I don't think there's really anyone in there. That's 40 or older from their mortal life that is So If you're over 40, then you've pretty much surpassed You know the qualification limit You're not qualified for the ghost squad. That's how I see it. It's all young souls And That's where I fall I fall into that category really well I'm 24 still very very young And people look back on it like you know, Andrew threw his whole life away. He had An insane amount of opportunities he could have had He could have eventually got that show to Be made by animators around the world for a youtube series, you know, he could have made some money off of it or he could have gone on to bigger and better things from this and the truth of it all is I don't care how popular it gets it will never prevent me from leaving here And that's how it is And also the fact of the matter is what it's based off of is a copyrighted character by nick alonean. So I would never be able to sell merchandise or Really make any sort of profit besides the youtube monetization, which really isn't much so I still believe that this can become something someday. I could see people making a movie off of this someday documentaries and At the same time I can't I just I just think egs will either be something when i'm dead or I'll just fade into nothingness and be resurrected over time through creepypastas and stuff or just the lore and word of mouth that hey, this was the guy that This guy made this series and ended up taking his own life you know, he made these recordings and Videos talking about this world And ended up killing himself thinking he was one of them and that's going to cause a whole bunch of controversy saying is he really Serious about this. Was it an act or? You know It's actually legit real I don't sugarcoat anything in my videos you know So It's a matter of time before this actually gets decent attention It'll happen Whether you like it or not this will get decent attention, especially like that massacre video the westboro high massacre That should get decent views And all it takes is word of mouth and it'll spread so I just I picture Thousands of people being in a fandom over this and spreading the lore and making their own OCs for it or envisioning themselves as maybe possibly being in the ghost squad and it just took until now to realize it, you know So I mean, I just hope I hope people make something out of this. I hope animators put time into it and Maybe make projects that I intended on making but I couldn't do because it would have taken too long, you know I just I hope embers ghost squad lives on and becomes something And it has to be embers ghost squad and you can't change what I've done It has to be how I've made it and I know that's saying a lot because I won't be here. I'll be dead I have no input on it And you just have to assume what I would be thinking I could sit here for an hour and tell you what embers ghost squad is all about and I won't do that because I think it's best to leave things open, you know Embers ghost squad obviously one of the main points of it is being who you are accepting that And not caring what people think about you another is There is something beyond your wildest imagination on the other side. It's not just a heaven where you see people You've seen throughout your life. It's a whole other world where you can end up And Some souls are brought there against their will whether they realize that or not They were destined to be there, but they don't see it that way like mackenzie You know It shows you that things go on Throughout our line of sight of what we can see as mortal humans. There are ghosts lurking around all the time Recruiting souls and you just don't see it or you're not aware of it Like people who die in mysterious ways They got recruited by ghosts or it was covered up by the recruiter ghosts You know, it was staged from the powers above people who Go missing, you know, that's a very obvious one The more you sit and the more you dissect egs the more questions you'll have And then the more answers you'll even get, you know embers ghost squad is just unique It's the most original thing I could ever imagine And It's um the content itself. I didn't do nearly as much as I intended on doing That's because I had to do it all by myself as a one-girl crew. It's just it's impossible and Embers ghost squad is just meant to appeal to everybody And it's meant to make a statement I could just sit here for hours and just talk about it But I can't do that so Some things are just better left unanswered but I the main reason I've made it is to help make a difference for people to show you that it's okay to be in this dark place And if that's what you like, then it's okay If you cut your wrists if you Try taking your life or you keep planning to take your life Do it There's nothing wrong with that Whether you realize it or not that could be in your contract and that's how you're supposed to go so It doesn't matter do whatever you want in life If you want to slash your wrists To let the pain out because the pain's so bad cut your wrists do it Just don't let people see that and I just I wouldn't want any of you to end up in a mental institution. That's That's worse than living life itself. You don't live in a mental institution You're controlled and you have no control over anything you do I'd imagine Can't say from experience because I've never been in one but Just don't get caught That's all I can say Be secretive Be clever Don't show any signs of depression around your family Don't Show your family the scars on your wrist from cutting yourself, you know Don't Just don't let them see that side of you Because that's going to make them be concerned and Depending how your family is that can lead you down a worse path and and you up in like a mental institution or something You know, I just I wouldn't want that to happen any of you because it's just That would be the worst and then you're on medication and it alters who you are and The biggest lesson in egs the biggest lesson in egs is to just be yourself and it's okay to be yourself No matter who you are. It's okay There's no laws saying you can't like this or you can't do this You can do whatever the hell you want To an extent. I mean if you want to kill somebody you can kill somebody Do it, you know If your boss is pissing you off and you want to kill him kill him So It's just There's many meanings for egs And for people who will be following in my footsteps Just be careful That's all I can say Make sure what you have on your computer is under close surveillance so nobody can See what you have in there, you know If you're on these websites looking up suicide and ways to take your life and You know Macabre and dark morbid stuff. Just be careful what you have on your computer if people use your computer regularly, you know Just be careful what you do Because there's no worse thing in the world than being caught, you know I don't want that to happen to anybody But it goes back to destiny whatever happens happens. It's meant to happen But just please be careful Okay, I want you guys to come with me. I want you to exist with me eternally in the egs but You got to be careful Especially in this day and age with social media Don't go posting on social media that you're gonna shoot somebody Don't go posting that you're gonna blow up your high school Don't go posting that you're gonna kill your family member Don't go posting stuff like that because In a flash the police can be at your door and you're taken away And all the evidence is right there online and that's really all they need and your life is Tainted for a good while and you can end up in prison and jail and cyber threats and all this stuff that you really don't want um The only way I could say post stuff like that is right before you're about to actually physically do it because then there's no way someone can stop you um Depending what you're gonna do but I mean I've been pretty Pretty uh open about what I've been attending on doing on twitter and facebook and all this and my videos for over the years But people accept it as being I guess what you'd call satire or you know, it's it's fiction. It's a show. He doesn't really mean everything He's posting or oh, he's just going through a phase or Oh, this is just the character speaking. It's not actually andrew talking, you know But in reality, I've meant everything I posted on social media I mean every single one of it. I mean it all and The beauty in it all is yeah, it's all stemming from the show. So that's a bit of a safety net for Legal things, you know, I'd be like this is just a public twitter for my character And this is what the character is like and this is what they think and You know, I would never actually end up doing anything like that. But yeah, you you just got to be careful Just use good judgment. Don't post stuff that can just have your life in jeopardy I'm sure I'll have some other videos on here with me talking to the camera like this. I highly doubt this is my last time talking to the video camera, but um That's really all I can say right now. Just use good judgment for your life Do what you think's best. Don't try to force things Just let things come naturally just be yourself you know People's opinions only matter to a certain extent. It really doesn't matter what people think of you yet We just make it out to be like the most devastating thing possible just how people feel about us or How we act or what we like and You know, it really shouldn't have to be that way, but it is and Just do your best to keep your head up You know, there's something in store for you down the road. You might not know what it is yet, but it's there It's just waiting for you to discover it. That's really what it is I mean It took me Two decades to realize what I was meant to do, you know I mean, yeah, I did youtube videos in ninth grade, but it wasn't like boom right then and there I discovered my purpose in life It carried into high school and college and young adulthood. It took a long time didn't just happen overnight So I guess I'll end this now um I just I wish I could have done so much more You know with egs. I wish I could have Made movies out of it. I wish I could have made 30 minute episodes out of it. You know, I wish it could have gotten on tv. I wish it could have been huge but With what I've done, it's just not possible to do. It's just not and I've accepted that but I've done enough with my life and I think it's time to go So I've accomplished so much throughout my youtube endeavor. I've met so many crazy and interesting people And I've made so many amazing things And now it's someone else's turn to take over So I'm gonna finish the massacre video over the summer Make some more tape videos and that will be it And embers go squad will just live on Through word of mouth pretty much. I guess I'll have no idea I might never know What becomes of it? I might know Everything that happens with it. I don't know right now but anyways Hopefully this answered some questions. I'm definitely gonna make more of these down the line while I still can it's just a lot of Stuff to upload, you know, it's a long video This is gonna be a few gigabytes. You know, it's gonna have to be compressed so anyways Thank you for watching. Thank you for supporting me Thank you for believing in me and I wish the best of you for your lives, you know And hopefully I've helped make a difference for you so This is Andrew blaze signing off until next time Have a good one So today's April 11th and a few days ago I got my baby. Check it out. This is a Mossberg 500 pump action 12 gauge shotgun and it is gonna be my ticket out of here and I cannot fucking wait to use it. It's just been sitting here the last few days because I haven't been able to go out to you know test fire it yet and I just the urge is like beyond imaginable right now I really want to shoot this but I gotta wait another few days before I can shoot it so it's how it goes but um this thing is fucking awesome. When I think of a shotgun this is what I think of you know short barrel pretty much sawn off pistol grip you know this thing is fucking beautiful and just under five months that'll be in my mouth and pooh gone just like that dead can't wait so Jin Jin you're gonna be barking like crazy when that happens aren't you you're not gonna know what's going on so yeah I've been thinking like trying to figure out how many of it like how am I gonna do it do I do it standing up do I sit down here put it between my legs because that's the biggest question is how much kick does this gun have and you know I've been thinking about doing the Eric Harris way sitting down between the knees and poof you know but I won't know until I shoot it first so I have no idea how much kick this thing has and that's gonna be the ultimate tell tale sign of everything so if it has a lot of kick and I was don't probably be standing up who knows but it's just under five months just under five months that's it and I'll be dead that's just it's unbelievable why I just I don't believe it and it's just it's I'm this close I am this close to my baby I'm this close I can't get any almost can't get any closer to her and my queen it's I'm that close I'm so close I had to get a new journal the other day too because my other one I only have like four pages left in the thing and I started that back in like November and I just slowly started becoming a daily by daily thing and I filled up the whole fucking thing so 180 pages filled just like that so I bought a second journal and I imagine that will be full too in the end so yeah it's just there's a lot to do for me here still before I can go I finished the massacre video I just been working on it a little bit at a time you know but this thing I cannot wait to shoot this fucking thing just look at this beautiful amazing I mean just imagine staring down the barrel of this thing you know poof you're gone it's amazing but don't ever ever be a fucking idiot and hold it up to your face like this because you're gonna knock your fucking nose off and break it don't want that to happen to you see over here I got some ammunition got slugs and buckshot which one of both so didn't want bird shot bird shots weak you know so yeah I can't wait to use the fucking thing it's gonna be awesome I don't know if I'm even in focus I can't say but this close this close to my baby well Amber was my baby she's not my baby anymore she's my queen Mackenzie's my baby Mackenzie baby Kenzie is the fucking best of the rest Mackenzie West second guest underrated and one of the best but she actually is the best Mackenzie's the fucking best she's the bomb Mackenzie West is the best I guess I'm second best yeah it's gonna be crazy it's all I can say what more is there to say got under five months to live 24 and a half years of life and you only have five months left that's assuming nothing else gets in my fucking way like if something retarded happens like with my job and I have to go to fucking day shift then it's gonna be even sooner than that hopefully that doesn't happen I mean I wouldn't really bother me too much but yeah I get to go sooner but September 7th is the date that's it September 7th that's it and spring just started it's warming up and before you know it it'll be summer and then we count down the days and I can't tell anybody you know it's the saddest thing people don't know is the last five months they had to talk with me I can't post that gun on social media either because then it's gonna cause concern from just not anybody who hates me probably so I don't know I'm not gonna post that gun anywhere because then people get suspicious just want to show you the gun it's been here for a few days but I only took some pictures the day I got it I didn't film anything with it yet but um yeah less than five months and then not long after all this stuff will be gutted and stripped apart there'll be blood all over the ceiling and probably on some of these posters I don't know I've been thinking about taking one down and just like sitting it next to me when I do it you know be as close to them as possible and yeah Mackenzie's my girl she's just so fucking cute dude she talks to me too all the time she's always with me wherever I go she's always with me no matter what and there isn't any other girl I'd rather spend eternity with than Mackenzie West so she's helped ease the pressure of it all it's the main thing so she'll be by my side when I do it and that night's gonna be I don't even want to think about it right now but so many thoughts will be going through my head it's not even gonna be funny but yeah so I guess I'll end this if only you people knew if only you knew and the way you do I said the seventh was when all this stuff was gonna be released but you don't know that I'll be dead that night just blows my mind every day just like seems more and more legit like this is it you know it's very hard to explain like I can't see past 2017 2018 and beyond doesn't exist for me anymore it's like this this is it you know like every fucking day like my whole perspective on life has changed like nothing is the same anymore and nothing matters nothing matters anymore nobody matters I don't care about 99% of this fucking planet anymore there's maybe I say loosely 10 people if that that I actually like can consider like a loose friend other than that everyone else can just fucking die and I wanted to I wanted to fucking do a school shooting or something I wanted to shoot up a supermarket I wanted to do all that but I knew full well it wouldn't happen something will go wrong my gun would jam I get taken out disarmed neutralized etc somebody in that supermarket would have to have a fucking firearm on them you know they would and plus which is me doing it there's no fucking way I would kill more than like fucking three people which is a shotgun no not a chance it's just it's I would kill kill to take people down with me before I end in my life but this was the biggest thing I thought about and I paced for like 45 minutes taking this over if there was up to me I would fucking shoot up a supermarket but I wouldn't want to die in there that's lame as fuck I'd rather die surrounded by what I love and what loves me back does a supermarket love me back no could I picture dying in one yeah do I want to know it's it's like no contest but still I would want to fucking kill some people along the way can I do that I can't have both ways I'd rather die surrounded by my girls and that's just I'm about 75% sure that's how it's gonna go and I just I would kill to shoot up a supermarket I would kill to just go in and shoot my boss even though I don't mind my boss I just want to kill people doesn't matter who it is except my parents because I want them to fucking suffer I want my dad to suffer my mom's got to suffer a little bit for bringing me into this fucking world but my dad's got to fucking suffer more than anybody else my brother partially he's not the worst person alive but if we're up to me I would go to the fucking Dallas supermarket plant bombs in there shoot people up you know just fucking shoot that place is fucking smithereens that's not gonna happen can't do it alone and there's no fucking way it'll even happen can't do it and it's just the thing I wouldn't want the pressure of knowing okay there's cops coming tick tick tick tick got off yourself you know I'd rather do it at my own rate at my own pace just behind these fucking four walls in peace quiet solitude surrounded by my girls that's just how it's got to be and there's still a chance I could do that but it's just the biggest thing is on night shift there's no one that can stop you I could walk in there at any given moment one's a freebie no matter what Brian he'd be a fucking freebie he'd be a gimme everyone after that it's just fair game but I just I can't see it happening but I know where I could well it probably not just leave it up to fate this is Andrew Blaze signing off until next time You gotta check this out. So I just got my fucking shells in the mail. Oh, and... Look at that shit! But wait! There's more! Oh! I-I can't fucking- Like, there's 250 fucking shells! 250 rounds of ammunition! What the fuck?! Like, I-I-I- Damn, I can't believe it! Like, holy fuck! Yeah, um... I might as well show you the updated gun. Oh, I have you here. Um, yeah, so it-yeah, it looks about the same, right? Except, uh, now I duct-tape the pistol grip thanks to Eric Harris. Um, gave me a little inspiration to do that. Because of the kickback on the gun, it was killing my hands. And this pistol grip was a pain in the ass because of the grooves it had in here. But, um, yeah, I put duct tape on it and got these gloves, and it's helped a lot. But, look at this! Like... Rrraaah! Unbelievable. 200... 250 fucking... BUCKSHOT SHELLS! That just happened. That just fucking happened. I mean, holy shit, like... I got the box and it was like fucking huge, and I'm like, jeez. I got-and I'm the one who bought the ammunition, by the way, and I didn't realize... It was 250 shells. Well, how do you not realize there's 250 in there, Andrew? I don't know! Because, like, I saw the box and I'm like, oh, okay, it's just one! Looked at the fucking receipt, and it's like, oh, the box is like 26 pounds. That's pretty fucking heavy. Open it up! 250 fucking shells! 250 fucking shells! BAM! Like... Oh my goddess. Oh, my goddess. I am fucking armed. I am fucking armed, bitch! Wow. Amazing. Okay, so here's the deal. Got a 1983 quarter right here. You believe in fate? Here's the fate test. I'm gonna flip this three times. Or the best out of three rather. And if it's hit, I'll do it here. If it's tails, supermarket. Let's go. Decided to do this outside. That way you get the maximum height possible on this flip. Let's just flip this over here. Make it so you can see. There we go. Best of three. Here we go. I'm not gonna touch it. You will see it as I see it. If I can find it. There it is. That's the tails. See that? Clearly tails. So that's one. I'm not gonna cut. I'm not gonna touch the tripod or the camera. Only just to show you. That is it. There's gonna be no other cutting. That's one foot. Number two. Looking at it. You as I. We'll see it for the first time. There we go. It had to be, right? That's a heads. One of each. Tensions building up. Gotta say. This is crazy. This is just crazy. Having this come down to the flip of a coin. Alright. Number three. That was a high one. Don't lose it. Can't lose that coin. There we go. Oh. That's the tails. That's tails. You can see it in the fucking exposure on this. It's going all sorts of wonky. Here. There we go. Now you can see it. Tails. Okay. So. You realize. I flipped this next coin. And it lands on tails. There's gonna be devastation and destruction. I'm not sure. I'm gonna cut off here. There. There we go. Number four. Way up there. Ended over to the right. I gave that one my all. Where did it land? Trying to find it. Where did you land? You saw it. Heads. Had to be, huh? Have to have it come down to the very last coin flip. Oh my God. Oh, the suspense is here. There we go. There we go. There we go. There we go. All right. All right. Sorry about that. I lost it for a second. Okay. This is it. For all the marbles. Except we're playing for, like, much more than marbles here. I can't believe I'm having this come down to a coin flip. The flip of a coin. Here it goes. One, two, three. It's gonna land behind the camera. Just to the side. I can't see it. I see it in the grass, but I can't see it. I can't see it. I can't see it. I can't see it in the grass, but I can't see it. Tails. That is a tails, folks. Tails. Which means there's gonna be a loss of a human life besides my own. Possibly more than one. That's fate for you. I didn't cut the camera at all. I didn't cheat. I rolled the entire time. I didn't go out on different days and do this and say, oh, you could have cheated because you did this multiple times. Remember? I did this all legit and authentically. What else do you need me to say? I'm gonna go get my phone. What else do you need me to say? I don't even know if you can see me now. Because it's... Different lighting. Bring it back. So you can see. There you go. Still rolling by the way. A fucking coin flip. It's fate. It's destiny. I was originally just gonna do it like just one big flip and whatever it was gonna be, it was gonna be it. First one was tails anyway. That's... That's great. I mean, either way, I could still change my mind about it, but I'm not going against the flip of the coin. I'm gonna do it. I'm not tempting fate. I'm just going with it. Unreal. Unfucking real. That's fucking fate. Got it. I fucking got it to Mosberg 500 shotguns Fucking got it. It's on the back seat back there somewhere. I don't know if you could see it, but fucking got it To I now have two To pump action 12-gauge shotgun Mosberg 500 This one's 18 and a half inches on the barrel. The other one was 20 20 and a half one of the two. I don't know But I fucking got it I fucking got it And I can't believe it I have all the pieces I have all the pieces I have everything I need The way I see it Just just four weeks left That's Assuming nothing else happens. It's really it's all just down to fate now The way things are going at work. It's all unpredictable as what could happen it's Part of me thought it could have been two weeks from now because one of my The managers on the day shift, I'm a night shift one of the managers on the day shift put it as to week notice and my boss has been trying to get on day shift or second shift forever and He had an opportunity to get it, but the way things are looking he's not gonna get it So then also put me like on the clock here because it's like he's been trying to look for other places to work you know try to get off a night shift and just find another job and The way I see it. I can just barely have enough time to do all this within four weeks I thought it could have been two weeks from now. Maybe if that but it's either gonna be four weeks from now or six It depends when he takes the vacation because my vacation It looks like it's gonna be June 11th through the 18th. I think like that week, you know And he could take that the week before for all I know which would suck because that's what I want to do this But if so so what I'll just have to wait an extra couple weeks. It's no big deal, but I Wanted to be the night of June 9th That's that's my goal. That's my plan If not the ninth then the 24th Yeah 25th, I don't know it's a Friday whatever. I don't know what dates are coming up right now, but Yeah Now the fact of the matter of everything else is I got to hide this shotgun for the next month Which shouldn't be too hard I keep it in my trunk So Maybe tomorrow afternoon or Monday when I know for a fact I'll be home alone I can bring it in and get rid of the box and everything. I really got to keep this low key I can't tell my parents that I have two shotguns now. They know I have the one But then if they see that I have the exact same gun But To which is shorter on the barrel would be like why do you need that? And that's when it starts to get into you like personal stuff like why do you need two shotguns? You're scaring me, please don't start buying more guns, you know Don't do this, you know so Yeah, I need to keep it under wraps And it shouldn't be too big of a problem I got all kinds of hiding places. I could put it in so I really had to I could just keep it in the trunk the whole time No one's ever gonna check my trunk so Yeah This close I'm that close I can't get any closer. I've said that a million times by now, but I cannot get any closer This is it It's the final stretch. I have all the pieces just waiting on getting some eyeliner that's already shipped And I ordered more ammunition obviously, but This is it Can't believe it Hope this audio is okay. I don't normally like ever record in the car Especially when I'm going on a highway and about to go over rumble strips so Now in this area is where I used to go to college the gun shop was like two and a half miles from the campus. It's pretty funny Yeah, I just I can't believe how easy it is to get firearms It is insanely easy As long as you don't have a record, you know, if you don't have a criminal background, you know or any running with the law or Anything of that sort, you know, and you're a legal immigrant and all that you could just order online and pick it up at a dealership It is that fucking easy Within a month I got two shotguns two shotguns in a month For what seven hundred dollars 900 if that Insanely easy Insanely easy ammunition adds up, but who gives a fuck Got nothing to lose now Spend as much money as I need to I mean if I really had to I could do this fucking Monday night if I wanted pretty much But I got to take care of a few other things first I got a Remake the intro for the final video Reanimated updated with the newer models, you know update McKenzie a little completely changed mine and Sydney so I Got two shots pretty much done for that But you know, I just got to update like five shots and that would be done more like six but And then it's just like I Don't know eight more of the massacre shots and it's you know, that portions done. I'm not gonna be able to finish it all Just too much work And the better like the sooner I do this the better. I don't want to keep like I Don't want to like Post something wrong on social media without like Intending it to be wrong and people like take it as a threat or some sort and You know, you just you got to watch what you post on the internet I've only told Two people about my shotgun. I told point Baron and I told Rachel that was the only two people Rachel because she was Getting in the gun so my go I guess I got a shotgun not too long ago, you know But she has no idea what I'm gonna do with it, you know I'm not gonna tell anybody else That's just it because if I started telling people then they realize what I'm posting about saying, you know It's like the final countdown or the final stretch or as big things are coming in this next month You know that people are gonna start thinking that I'm threatening people and you don't need that Nobody needs that to happen to them. So so far it's been okay. I've gotten an occasion I'm like, why are you obsessed with this Columbine shit? But other than that? virtually nothing It's just I I don't think people would actually like think I would actually consider doing something like this and granted, it's only like one person but you know It's still gonna be like Earth shattering to people in tongue canik, you know, I live in Dallas, but To think like something like that could happen here. It's like, yeah, it could totally could You're welcome So A few weeks a few weeks to live A few weeks to live how many people get to say that in their life We're being 24 and a half saying I got a few weeks to live and I'm gonna be dead It's crazy as more time goes by The more like routine it feels I just I don't feel as nervous about it as I once was like now I just like accept that it is fate and this is how it's gonna be and I just I accept that this is how it ends and I Just desensitize myself to it in a way Um Also mainly just because I've gotten the firearm already. This is the second one. You know, I've I've worked with it I know how it works. I know what to expect and You know, it would just be so fast I'll have like five minutes The way I see it for all I know I could have the rest of the fucking night, but I'll never know Unless like the floor guy got like a call out to 911 or something but That's just it it all comes down to his hands of what happens really I mean, I don't think the police can see on like like I don't think like people run the security companies can see the store cameras like What goes down? It's like how many fucking places do you have your cameras in you can't just know? It's just me brian and the floor guy More likely than not granted. It could end up being the new girl. We just got two but Um, like I said the schedule is unpredictable anymore Mine has never ever changed until this year. Like we started fucking changing the schedules around and it's pissed me off But It's just Whatever it is it is Personally, I don't really mind if it's more than one person on with me. That's just I just you know, you don't have a lot of time And it's just brian and the floor guy and I pop them too Like if I pop the both of them then you know, there's nobody else in there that's gonna call the fucking police on you That's just the biggest thing like on a wednesday night. There's two other people there And they're easy targets. They're big fucking girls, but you know That's an insta call out to 911 And it doesn't matter But it only takes them like two minutes to get there, you know And then they're in you know, then You know It's all about time I gotta do it fast no matter what but it's just I want to make fucking damage Not just pop a guy or girl and then just immediately have to off myself from it. That'd be really lame. You know, you want to make your mark so Yeah, that's just It's a lot to think about but It'll just happen like that, you know, you have like no time to react to everything you just do it I've run the scenario through my head like at least like 50 times and It's virtually never changed So I don't know we'll see I want it to be june 9th. It's better to have a date in your head Or rather, you know the ballpark range of when you want to do this so The main thing is I hope it's the four weeks that way I get like everything I want onto the the death box set and it's there Not have to like run out of time and then just put The very very very essential shit on the internet and just go, you know, I want everything on there that I need Like everything that's like relevant. I mean, I can't get every single video I ever made on there That's impossible that take way too long and Threat on youtube anyway, my account's not gonna go away. It's because I died It'll still be there. It'll be there until youtube shuts down pretty much um Until I one thing if anything ever does happen to my account I will fucking haunt the shit out of whatever fucking tamper's with it You have my word on that so Yeah, we'll see Um, we're driving slow as fuck, which what else is new But yeah, um Sorry, the camera's like moving all over the place. I'm trying to like drive and do this at the same time Typically, you're supposed to record like this which I'm an idiot because I never remember to do it Sorry Don't judge me Who gives a fuck it's on video it just happened and it's on video. What more do you want? Yeah I hate I personally hate when people vlog like this That's just the way it is You don't think sometimes when you do this you just hold the camera up and you just do it Like I didn't really think to hold it like this Yeah Boo fucking who I didn't hold the camera properly rather the phone properly. It's a phone It's a fucking phone That has a camera in it Whatever All right, um I guess I should end this mainly just because I don't want to Talk and drive like this. I think it's not safe. So Yeah, got two shotguns now bitch two shotguns suck it I See you guys soon Andrew out What's up? It's empty. She's empty. Mackenzie's empty, unfortunately. So yeah, how about it? How about it? Mwah, mwah. Mackenzie, Rachel, meet the twins. But they're in fact totally polar opposite. The shotguns are the same, but who they're based on are total polar opposite souls. The way I see it, Mackenzie's going to be the one doing most of the damage. Mackenzie's the 18.5 inch barrel one, which is this one. It's just a little bit shorter than Rachel, which is a 20 inch barrel. Other than that, they're virtually the same gun. The magazine tube is a little shorter, but you can still fit a shit-time ammunition in there. The first time I took it up shooting, I can only fit two in there. It's a shorter magazine and then the tape stopped recording, so you didn't get to hear what else I was going to say. What happens is when you buy these pretty much anywhere, there's a freaking rod in here that prevents you from putting in ammunition, so you can only fit two in there. When you take it out, it can fit four or five. I completely forgot to remove that when I went out with this for the first time. Unfortunately, I was only able to put two or three in at a time. Boom. Reload. That's really lame. I eventually unscrewed this, took the barrel off, took out the rod and everything. Mackenzie is by far my favorite one. I loved Rachel too, but this one I loved just because it's shorter. It's a little bit more powerful. It kicks a little bit harder too. This is the gun I feel that is going to be the one doing most of the work and also finishing me off. Rachel, it's kind of funny. I envisioned that being just the one and only gun because that was before I even knew I was going to do this. I need to have a second one as a backup because when you do something like this, here's a little tip from me. Have a backup shotgun or a secondary weapon. It doesn't matter what. As long as it can fucking kill somebody, have a backup. There will be no worse thing in the world than having something break on you with a gun and you have no way to off yourself. Let's just say for some fucking reason I shoot and my barrel implodes or I pump it and it gets jammed for some reason. I can't pop the shell out of the side. Let's say this breaks off, like the pump breaks off or something or something and the trigger breaks. You never know. Anything can happen at any given moment. So my advice is have a backup. Need I say more? So yeah, I love both of them though. They're both spectacular shotguns. They're both the same exact shotgun. Just one shorter. But either way, I love Mackenzie. I had to switch the names unfortunately because I named that one Mackenzie when I first got it. But that was before I realized I was going to get another one and then it made sense because Rachel would have a bigger gun. Rachel is like a big macho devilish evil soul and she'd have the big gun and it just suits her better. Now Rachel will most likely just be on my back the entire time. Its main purpose is just in case something goes wrong with Mackenzie's gun or I need it for a longer range. Like say I want to shoot a slug at the floor guy's propane tank or something. This would be a better option because the barrel's longer. But mainly it's just a backup because when I got this one I just named it Mackenzie because I'm like well this is the only gun I'm ever going to have in my life so I'll call it Mackenzie. And then when I decided to do what I'm going to fucking do, it's like alright I'm going to change the name. So yeah, it just looks like a Rachel. I don't know. That one's Mackenzie. But yeah, obviously they're named after Mackenzie West and Rachel Shadows. So on the side I have engraved EGS on both of them and then I have Rachel and I have Mackenzie scratched into the side. So these names are never going to be viewed the same way again after this happens. I can assure you that. Now here's one thing I want to talk about. See this? In here is propane. In our supermarket we have canisters like this. This is exactly where I got it from. This is the exact thing I'm talking about. We have about like I'd say 15 or 20 on a shelf. One of my new plans is to scoop these into a shopping cart and then shoot at it with a gas canister next to it filled with gas. Picture it as like a little mini propane bomb just to do some damage. I'm not going to hit anybody with it but just to do some fucking damage to the building. That's the main purpose of that. I got to test shoot at first and see what it does. Mainly because it feels like it's only filled up to here. So shooting this with like a slug or something, I just want to see how big of an explosion it is just to see what it does. And then we'll see. Now in terms of how this is going to go down, let me tell you. Got some new things and some of them are actually really, really clever. Here's the plan. Wednesday, June 7th, 2017. One o'clock we go off for a break. That's how it always goes every night. It's always one o'clock or like 103, 105 Ballpark area. So here's what's going to happen. Brian's going to come up to me and say, break. He goes. He goes outside. That's how it always goes. I follow him not long after, usually a minute or two because I always grab snacks to buy to gnaw on and stuff. You know, here's what's going to happen. When he goes out, I'm going to block the emergency exits. I'm going to get pallets. I'm going to put them in front of the doors. In the back room, there are at least four or five emergency exits. There's one all the way at the other end of the facility in the back room by the back manager's office. That one, I'm actually going to block when he goes to lock the store up at 11 o'clock. So that one will just be taken care of instantly. He's not going to go down there looking for other stuff because I'll have all the stuff we're going to need for the stock and shit already down here. So there will be no reason he'll ever need to go down that side of the facility. So that will be taken care of. About, I'd say, 60 feet beyond that, there's an emergency exit here and about 20 feet down, there's another one here. This one over here is the easiest to block besides the one all the way down. You just put a pallet there and it's completely blocked. You're not going to get out. Same thing goes pretty much for the one next to it. They're just single layered doors. They're not double doors. It's just one door. And then you got the receiving door. So you got all these doors, boom, boom, boom, boom, to block with pallets. And it's totally doable. You know, it takes two and a half minutes, if that. So those are the big three on this half. Once you get towards like the center of the store in the back room, there's the produce section, which is the last set of double doors. And that's the last set of doors to get outside from the back room. So that's one that's kind of up for debate. I don't know if I'm going to be able to block those or not. If not, no big deal. Because besides that, straight down the hallway is the meat department and it's a dead end. You can't go anywhere else. So the last set of double doors were the ones I was picturing from the beginning, which is next to the bakery section. There's a pair of double doors that's an emergency exit and all these exits, they're all alarmed exits, okay? So I'm thinking like, how in the fuck can I block this exit? There's like no way in hell. There's nothing I can do. You can't put a pallet there. By the time it comes back in, I'll be like, what the hell is a pallet doing here? Because he has to come back in before... Alright, see, what did I tell you? The camera stopped. Big surprise. As I was saying, Brian is going to be coming in before me. He'll be going back inside first. So I can't put pallets in front of these doors because he'll be like, why the hell are there pallets out here in front of these doors? That makes no sense. So that option was just completely out of the question. I couldn't do that. So I'm thinking, how the fuck am I going to block these doors? I'm not going to be able to. I'm just going to have to pop the two of them and then just hope to God as I can get over to him before he runs out that exit. And I'm out on my break the other night. Not last night, but the night before. I'm just sitting in my car and I just happen to look over at the doors and then I just got this idea that just hit me like a fucking train. I could put my car up into those doors. It's on the sidewalk and there's pillars next to it. But you have enough space to fit your car up there. You could fit it like this or you can T bone the doors. And I was like, holy shit. That is the greatest idea I've ever had. And the way I see it is driving up and T boning it would be the best option because like no matter what, as long as you have like this much space between your car and the doors, you won't be able to open those doors and get out. So we'll see. It should be wide enough. If not, I could still fit it like this, but obviously like the mirror like protrudes out and I'd be afraid like I wouldn't be able to fit it properly. But I just want to be careful because I feel like if I hit the doors with just that little bit of force, you can trip the alarm because these are all alarm exits. So that that was crucial. That idea just changed everything. So here's what's going to happen. Brian will go back inside. I'll go back inside as I normally would and then just see where everybody's at. I know he'll be down and I was one through seven anywhere in that area. Victoria and Kristen, it's completely like it's a wild card guess of where they're going to be. And what I've come to realize is when we go out on break and come back in, they're on break too. So somewhere in the area of one o'clock through like one 15, they take a break. This was the crushing bullet of it all because I envisioned just coming back in and then just going off and killing everybody. But can't do that because they'll be in the back room somewhere. And obviously I want this to be on the surveillance camera so you can see it. And what's going to have to happen is I'll just go back to where I was working and give it like 10 minutes or so. Go back down that end, see where they're at. Go back outside, gear up, drive the car up to the doors. You know, I'm already geared up and everything. Walt's in, lock the door, set the alarm, and then lock the big pair of double doors in the vestibule that leads you into the store. So the way it's set up is like any old supermarket is, you got the entrance, which has the two doors, one comes in, one goes out on both sides. But obviously to get into the building, there's this big, wide pair of double doors. They open and close automatically and whatever, but you can turn those off and you can lock it up. So I'll do that, I'll lock it, that's just going to have to do it. There's nothing else I can do with that. Doors are so wide, you know, you can't block them. And then just find Victorian Kristen Powell. And the rest is up to fate. Because the way I see it is, if Brian was going to run out of here, he's either going to take two paths. He can either go the path to the produce exit or you can take the path by the bakery, which is the bakery exit is technically the closest. Depending where he is, usually by break or a little bit after, he's still an aisle one because aisle one is the vegetables and the microwave meals and all that, you know, mac and cheese. And you get a shitload of order for that aisle and he's had to do it by himself. And that can take him till sometimes like almost two o'clock. So he may very well still be in there. The only problem is it's up for debate whether or not he'll be going back and forth, taking his empty boxes to the back room and cleaning up. So it's really just destiny. You can't predict everything. But if you wanted to, the safest option by far would be to go through the meat department doors and go out through the back. Because he'll know I'm out on the floor. So obviously you don't want to go that way. And obviously going out through the bakery, you're out in the open and you're exposed. So the way I see it is the smartest thing would be for him to go through the meat department down the back hall and then out the protestors. But that goes back to me saying I wanted to block that because if I don't, then that's he's out, you know, just like that. So I need to figure out a way how to block those. I mean, there's pallets all over the back room. It wouldn't be hard to do. It's just a matter of doing all this without anybody seeing it. That is the hardest part. Because the break room is right adjacent to where those doors are. Doors are here. You just go down the hallway and it's a little bit around the corner of the break rooms right there. So it's a lot to do in a matter of just a few minutes. So I mean, nobody's ever going to think twice like, oh look, there's pallets in front of the door. Nobody would ever question it unless it was Brian. So that's just what I'm saying. You just got to get lucky. So what happens is 11 o'clock is when we close the store up and that's obviously when I'm going to block the one exit all the way at the far end of the facility. But it almost doesn't even matter. But that's just assuming that, you know, nobody's going to get away. But that's the first place they're going to have to run. You know, if I'm down the aisle coming at you this way with a shotgun, you're going to go out the back room. You're not going to go out the front. You're going to go towards the back. And instinct would be like, yeah, there's all these emergency exits I can get right out. Well, you're not going to be able to because I'm going to have them fucking blocked. So you're done. And yeah, so those exits, that's the most crucial thing because that's how I wanted to do it. I wanted to control and contain this operation. No one can get out. That also means no one can get in. Now, this was the biggest question I had. It's like, well, the cops would have to shoot their way to get in. So how can I prevent them from getting in? And that was to block all the other exits. So either way, I would know if someone got in because the alarm would be ticking down. You got two minutes before that alarm stops ticking down and the store is armed. I can't remember if there's a way like to just instantly lock the area. It's called the perimeter of the store. It sets an alarm for all of the emergency exits around the building. And those are the only exits in the whole facility that I just mentioned. The upfront and the bakery produce the two by the receiving area, the receiving doors themselves, and the one at the very back end of the facility in the back room. Other than that, there are no other emergency exits. You cannot get out anywhere else. So it is a shit ton to pull off in a matter of minutes. It's really, it's going to be tight, but I think I can do it. It's all going to come down to what's in the back room that night. Sometimes you have pallets that are like this high and sometimes they're only like, you know, up to my chin. So you don't want it so like people can just like climb over the pallets or just take a few boxes off and get on top of it and open the door. You know, you got to make sure this is full proof, but at the at the least slow them down. So by the time you get there, they're still trapped and it's a freebie. So it's virtually two are a gimme. You know, Victoria and Kristen, I can't see me missing both of them. It just depends how far apart they are. Like it's really just fate. Like I said, no matter what, I'll get one right off the bat. You're not going to miss point blank like that. Even if they're like halfway down the aisle, you can still like poke your head out and just see where they're at. No matter what, they're not going to see you coming. It's full proof. You're separated by all these aisles. And this is how the store is set up. It is literally just right across the facility. Isle one, aisle two, three, four, five, six, seven. Then you have the whole produce and deli area, which is like, you know, like 50 feet wide. And then you have eight all the way through 19. It's all in a big line. Nothing is like branched out or over here and back here in the middle here. Like it's all just one straight line of aisles and it's full proof. You can't fail at this, which is why it's so ingenious. It is the perfect scenario to off people. And if you have the exits blocked, you have them right where you want them. There's nowhere for them to go. So I can't wait. It is going to be awesome. And yeah, my, my, uh, there's going to be all kinds of thoughts racing through my head in those final few minutes, just like, I'm sorry. Like there's going to be so much adrenaline flowing through me. I'm going to feel like more powerful than I ever have in my life. And there's not going to be anyone that's going to be able to stop me, which is beautiful. So it's just up to fate because once I just assuming I get Kristen and Victoria, both in the same aisle, at least incapacitate them or kill both of them, then the floor guy and Brian are going to be on the other half of the facility. That's where the floor guy is always buffering during that time. It's usually always down that half, but it's totally unpredictable because he's just going down the aisle, down the long stretch by the meat case, down this aisle, and he just goes like wherever. But you know, that's going to be the hard part because they're going to be running like crazy, you know? So you're just going to have to go for one of them as soon as I see one, go after them. And that's why just blocking the exits is the most important thing. If they get to the front entrance before I do, yeah, they're going to be like, oh, fuck it won't open. But all it takes is just a quick turn to the lock and then you just, and you're out and then you just unlock the one door there. But either way, it's going to take you like 15 extra seconds to get out and they're going to be panicked as fuck. So yeah, that's closing the double doors there and locking it. That is huge. There's just nothing else I can do about that, but that's what I see is going to happen. One of them, at least one, is going to get out. There's like, there's no way unless I just went pop, pop, boom, move, pop, pop, and then just booked it and just started running down towards the other half and boom. You know, just started taking them out like that. I want it to be slow, you know, I want it to be a slow process, but if I book it, I can get everybody. That's the thing. If you get shot with a shotgun point blank, you're, you should not be able to just get up and run away. You're going to be in there like just an agony on the freaking floor for at least a good few minutes and just trying to digest what's happening. So boom, boom, boom. Just go. Book it. So that'd be the best option just to do it as fast as I possibly can. That way they're wounded. That's just the biggest thing. As long as I hit everybody and they're wounded, then I can take my time with finishing them off. Yeah, I could, I got to do it fast still, but it'll still be a few minutes before cops can show up or get in and know what's going on. If there's a shooter, you know, they got to know what they're getting themselves into first. They're not just going to barge in there blindly and just expect to take people out. They don't know how many gunmen there are, even though it's going to be just me. So, you know, that's just, I got to do it as fast as I possibly can. Then I can worry about the fun aspect of hitting other shit. But, um, yeah, that was the other thing. Like right before going out to break is when I would have to load up the propane card. If not with gasoline with it, just throw the propane on there and then stand a considerable distance away and then, pooh, explosion. So yeah, it's a lot to do. And once I get everybody or as many as I can do what damage I can, then it's go down to aisle one. Poof. So, yeah. Just like that. And it's over. And then I'm where I belong. That's what I was talking about before. Like, see, like the magazine tube is so much shorter, you can really fit it in your mouth better as opposed to Rachel's, which the magazine tube is as long as the barrel is, though, it's like, you know, it's a bitch to fit in your mouth. See that? Try fitting that in your mouth. You can. I've done it. But you really got to open your fucking mouth. It was how frickin long it is. And that's why I was so glad I decided to get a second shotgun. I wasn't going to just because I worried about buying like the same gun again or like trying to hide it away from my parents or just overall buying another shotgun in general. Buying guns, it always makes me like, it makes me uneasy like going through the background checks and everything and trying to act normal when I'm there getting the gun and everything and trying not to stand around and like look like I'm like conspiring to do something bad, you know? It's hard. But I did it. So, this is it. I'm not going to get another gun. It's these two shotguns. And that's that because I wouldn't have any other way of like carrying another one. Which I could have one shotgun around my back and then put one on like a sling or something and then hold another gun. But then that's like fucking insane. It's too much. That's just the biggest problem. It's like, these are short range weapons. They're not long range. Like I wanted to get an automatic one, just an automatic rifle of some sort. Just to shoot across the building. But I can't. I just, that's too many, it's too many guns. You know, it's just, it's too much for me to do by myself. You know, if I had another person then problem solved, but it's just me. So yeah, that's the plan. You know, I've planned this out for months. Just like envisioning it, fantasizing about it, and now it's actually happening. It's real. And every now and then I gotta just stop and look around and just analyze what's around me and like think like, maybe this can work. Or I shouldn't do that because this is here or this won't work because of that, you know? And just gotta keep my eyes on where everybody is. It's just the other thing about it is nobody would suspect, the thing about it is nobody would suspect a thing. It's how it's, it's so ingenious. Nobody would remotely suspect me to do this. And it's foolproof. There is nothing that can stop me. Nothing. And you'll all be fucking dead. Or a good bit of you anyway. At least half of you, I would assume half. And I had me on top of that. So, it's May 11th. Counting down the days. And can't come fast enough. It really can't. And every day I just, I get more and more confident. I get more and more like inspired. I get more and more into it. And at first it was like, kind of like, oh man, I really don't know if I should do this or oh, something's gonna go wrong. Or maybe I'll just go for one and then I'll be it. Or, you know, it kept building and building and building. And you know, obviously it led to, alright, I got a second shotgun. You know, like it just kept building. And I'm still getting new ideas. I'm very creative. You know that. And being I've been in that building for almost seven years. It'll be seven years in June. You know the inside and out of that place. So, night shift was the cherry on top of the cake. Pretty much. The icing on the cake, whatever you want to call it. Because then I got keys, then I got codes to things and just started learning how the place worked. You know? So, it's insane. It's crazy. And if I really wanted to, I could just go in right now and do it if I wanted. You know, it's like, it's so crazy to think that I have all the tools. It's all right there. It's got to wait a little bit longer. So, my biggest goal is to do as much damage as I can. But the fact of the matter is you don't have a lot of time. And I mean, I could totally just keep going. And just keep moving fast. But you got to still watch what you're doing. And there's no telling like what state of mind I'm going to be in when all that's going down. Like, it's probably going to seem like an eternity in a way. But my goal is to just do it as fast as possible. There's things I have planned out that I want to shoot, like the freezer doors and everything. Spaghetti section, pickles, anything that's glass and messy. You know? But the only other thing is being careful not to get anything in the barrel of the gun. Which is also why I have a backup. You know, you never know what's going to happen. So, I'll shoot the ceiling once or twice. You know, the propane. That was one of the newest ideas I had. Because that would be huge. And you got like 20 of those. That's an explosion. That'll be perfect. And the other question is, well, where am I going to put it? Like, I'm trying to think of like, what's like flammable in a supermarket besides the propane? You know? I don't really know. I'm trying to get like the biggest explosion that I can without injuring myself in the process. I need to start snooping around and just see like, what I can put it next to. I can kind of care less if it's on the surveillance or not. But you know, in all these departments in the bakery and deli or the seafood or whatever, there's got to be something there that's like flammable. There has to be. I need to start snooping around there and see what I can find. Because other than that, it's like, what else can like blow up? You know? So... It's a lot. It's a lot to do. It's a lot to do in a span of about 45 minutes. Because on top of all this, I got to send out all the emails and then the digital death set. You know, like everything. I got to tweet all that out, Facebook that out, Instagram it out, send out all the emails, which will be pre-composed in my drafts. But still, send it through Facebook messages even. It's a lot to do. I can do those on my break. That's the big thing. But before that, yeah, I need to block the exits too. So this is tight. This is really tight. This is a really tight situation to pull off. Got to block five exits. Prod is receiving. Two next to receiving. Back manager's office. Go out to the car. Tweet the death box set. And say that this is it. And then send out all the emails. I got to somehow do all this within like 20 minutes. And it's totally doable. It's just, it's tight. It's a very tight window. And it's going to go by like that. Break goes fast. It really does. You don't realize like how fast 15 minutes goes. It goes so fucking fast. So, it's a lot. The only good thing is, Terry the floor guy, when it's one o'clock, he's still out on the floor running the suds machine, whatever you want to call it, that sanitizes the floor. So it's not until around at the earliest quarter after one that he goes back and then gets the buffer out. So it's totally doable. But yet it's still incredibly tight. Like he won't even question what I'm doing anyways because he never does. He just, he keeps doing his thing, bullshit with me a lot, but he won't even like think that I'm blocking the exits. So the way it is, like when we get an order, we get pallet after pallet after pallet after pallet of stuff that doesn't go out. Like if we have cereal, paper, soap, pet, pet's the big one, that stuff stays in the back room until we get to that aisle and then we drag it out onto the floor and then cut off the plastic and then down stack it. So there's still pallets back there. There's gonna be pallets back there even just from the general back stock in general. So there's stuff to block that stuff with all the time. I just need to really analyze what's around me. Like even if it's just like a pallet of 24 pack of water that's up to here, you can't climb on top of that and like really like you're not gonna have time to squeeze through that, you know? That's just the biggest thing, slowing everybody down. If it can't completely block the door, slow them down. Cause they're still gonna panic and be like, oh fuck, I can't get out. You know, I'm gonna try the next door. And the next door and realize they're totally screwed and boxed in, boxed in. Boxed in, so. Yeah. 30 some days. That's it. That's it. That is it. That's it. Unreal. Unfucking real. After this happens, no one will ever hear the name Rachel or Mackenzie the same way again. I'm gonna show you that. Or Andrew. Or Mackenzie. The biggest question is, where's it gonna go? What's gonna happen in the future after this? To prevent this from happening again, you know? The answer is, you can't prevent it. You can only endure it. Alright. I won't say this too many more times, but I'll see you in the next one. Andrew out. What's up humans? So I thought I'd record it on video this time. I'm using my iPhone 6 Just hopefully because it'll make it a smaller file size to edit Because I can't afford to fill up my hard drive right now. I really can't I'm 14 13 12 days away from doing this, you know this is it and I'm fucking exhausted I'm beat I Know there's no way in hell. I'm gonna get everything done The way it has to be and it's gonna be imperfect, you know, I'm a perfectionist. This is just how it's gonna be so I'm just taking it day by day and just seeing where it leads me Whatever I get done I get done and that's just the way it is You know, it's just there's a lot of my mind if you're in my position you'd have a lot in your mind too and and Every day every night rather I have to make count, you know, this is it Two weeks under two weeks now just under two weeks to live Process that process process Process that in your head you got two weeks to live. What do you do? And I got way too fucking much to do Been putting everything together for that digital release set which fortunately pretty much all like the major videos are on there Pretty much my entire video collection is on that media fire page All the gaming videos I have recovered are on there um We've been uploading pictures and stuff now But you know, it's a fucking it's a lot it's so much stuff like right now there's got to be like fucking 80 gigs on there somewhat close to that anyway and Depending when anyone sees this I download that while you can Because I have to pay to have the extra space like I have a terabyte of space to upload whatever the hell I want and I think that lasts for like a year or two and then once that's up Then I got to pay to read to like renew it, you know, so by then chances are it would get terminated You know, and I'd lose everything so download while you can or Find someone that has downloaded everything so Yeah speaking to the fans of the future here so Anyways, I guess I should talk about what the plan is now because there's been so many freakin Variations and variables that go into this and what I intend on doing what is possible doing and what I'm ultimately probably gonna do, you know There's all kinds of ways I can do this and I Wanted desperately to find keys to unlock the propane cage And there's like eight to twelve fucking propane Kang or tanks that are like this big, you know huge and I dug through the desk in the manager's office. I found a shit ton of keys none of them opened it and The one that was on my key ring fit the lock But it wouldn't turn I was like fuck it was a bummer It was a huge letdown like I thought it would been amazing if I can get in there You know set up propane tanks and explode them all over the place and everything and you know, it would have been great but it's not gonna happen so the alternative to that is gather a bunch of the lighter fluid and Many propane canisters that unfortunately didn't really do anything when I shot at it It's just a poof like a big plume of smoke in the air But yeah gather all those together in a shopping cart with all the lighter fluids there You can get like fucking like 40 lighter fluid bottles. That's gonna be an explosion so That's possible. That's probably what's gonna have to end up happening because I'm not gonna be able to get in that propane cage No matter how hard I try so Um One big change that's happened is I've been pretending on doing it before break now mainly because that time slot is so goddamn tight between 1 and 145 it is virtually impossible to Block all the exits and everything and Then have nobody see it, you know, it's um Wednesday nights are the smallest orders we have and last night was Wednesday and it was a puny order It was really small. There wasn't much of anything in terms of substantial size pallets and everything So unfortunately that might be what ends up happening on the seventh, but the thing is I'll one is where Brian always is and that's the vegetable aisle the you know microwavable meals and all that and Generally it takes like an hour or more to do usually last night I probably took him like a half hour for all I know I didn't pay attention but there wasn't a lot for it and The biggest problem with that is he would have to go into the back room and get rid of his cardboard and plastic for the next style Well, if he goes into the back room, he's gonna see all the pallets I have lined up so you can't do you can't risk that you know and I Just got me to thinking it's like well great because Victorian Kristen I found out now That's most likely their lunch hour because they've been in the back room for quite a while between one and like 130 So that's their lunch hour. They work like eight to three in the morning So you figure one o'clock. That's a lunch hour. So I was like fuck because it was 135 They were in the back room stone. That's what I intended on doing it. You know, that was my initial plan So that got me to think it's like, okay, great. Maybe I got to do it sooner now Which blows in a way because then I have like no fucking time to like pre-empt myself for it. I just got to do it so This is what I came up with 1210 is usually when we're pushing stuff out. We're not really ever in the back room much later than that Maybe 1220 at the latest but on a Wednesday, no fucking way Monday and Fridays are the bigger orders Wednesday is Not that big at all But anyways, you know quarter after 12 is when we're pushing all the stuff out on carts and everything and Brian disappears for like five to ten minutes and I don't know where he goes either He goes to the fucking shitter every night or he's on the like the back manager's office computer or something Which I didn't ask I should like that way. I know where he is But that got me to thinking I got like ten free minutes there That's why I'm gonna send out all the emails so like 1220 1215. I'm gonna send all the emails out on my phone So they're taking care of it out of the way He'll come out on the onto the floor going I'll want it like 1220 or you know, whenever and that's my Go time. That's what I'm gonna go to the back room and start blocking the exits with pallets The main problem I've found is The produce area produce is gonna be the biggest bitch to block because Unlike receiving the receiving doors are double doors but there's only one that can push to go out the other one you got a latch and It got me to think it's like great because produce is a bitch because they're it's a set of double doors So you would need two pallets to block that, you know That's a problem because that's also the closest exit besides the bakery exit which I'm gonna block with my car produce is the closest way to get out and It's um That's the wild card one. I don't know how I'm gonna block those Because I think I counted it's like five doors. I got a block or at least Clutter so it slows people down from getting out because you got the one all the way down by the back manager's office Which is the farthest away from anyone in the whole building No one's ever gonna think to go out that one, but I still got a block in anyway But that one I still intend on doing like right when he locks the store up if not, I can do it while we're pushing stuff out or Just right when I'm about to block everything else But that's the easiest door to block just because it's so far away and always down there There's always pallets of soda and you know somewhere like up to my chin and everything you could block that fairly easily The other ones there's two right next to the frozen food freezer which is like you know 20 feet from receiving pretty much there's one that's like 20 feet from receiving the others like 50 and They're tight exits because you got like you got like the The water softener back there or whatever and you got like these big poles in front of it So you can't hit it with a power jack or anything But there's a door in the middle of it. So getting a pallet in there is really tight, but it's doable And then the other one which is like 20 feet away from the receiving doors Which is pretty much the easiest besides the one by the back manager's office And then you got the receiving door Which shouldn't be too hard the only thing I need to figure out is if you can push The one on the right the one on the left is the push one to open the one next to it Doesn't have anything to push on which you would think would mean it would be locked in place So unless you had the other door open, that's what I'm thinking you have to do But I need to see my next off night my next non-load night rather if it if you need to push it or not Because I really don't know No, obviously you got the big truck bay doors you got two on this side There's only two but they're always changed shut with the lock So you'll sort to bring your keys out and open it. So only Brian would be able to get out through there Nobody else would except him and me Which I'm not worried about you know That's plenty of time for me to get into the back room and get him if I had to um The other door is the produce door and that's it besides the main entrance. So there is a lot of doors and It is such a tight window. I I know I can do it It's just it's fucking hard to pull off because you got four other people in the building But the thing is if it's like 1230 Victorian christen, they're gonna be on the sales floor no matter what they should not be in the Backroom really for any reason I can't see why because all the tags and stuff are in their cart that they push around the frickin facility And they should not need to go into the back room for anything except for a lunch or a break Okay, there's no reason they should be in the back room Terry the floor guy is gonna be running his scrubber his floor machine. He will be on the floor 99% of the time because once in a while he'll go through the back room and get the floor there but that's usually like It's like once or twice a week, but I Doubt he would be doing it then hopefully not I Can't remember if he did it last night or not. I don't think so but Yeah, so that's really the only thing I got to watch Brian will be an aisle one no matter what during that span of time. So I got to pull that off in about Three minutes I it's such a frickin tight window because I got to block all that up Go back out onto the floor Go out through the main entrance Pull my car up to the side and block the bakery exit doors gear up and go in and go to town and All the while I need to block the main entrance too, which was it was I wasn't gonna do it But then I realized that I could put like a juice palette there and block it Just as long as you can't get to the lock to open it You're fine Because the lock is right in the middle of the doors. You just turn it you can open it But if I put a pallet there, you're not gonna be able to get to it So what I thought I'm doing was when we're wheeling everything out. I never really do it I never take the palette of juice or the water out when we're pulling out the the carts and everything But I thought I can bring that out bring it on the floor Put it at the end of the water or juice aisle The water isles right at the main entrance. I could bring it right there. No one will suspect a thing I'll tell Brian. I'm just gonna wheel it out, you know, or I don't even bother separating it I do both aisles anyway. I'll do it and there you go. You got a pout that's up to here problem solved so It's just it's a lot to do It's such a small window of time It can be done. I know it can But just everything has to be just so it's ridiculously tight But the only good thing is There's nothing really wrong with it, you know that I don't have guns on me when I'm doing it, you know, I'm not geared up or anything so you know Goddess forbid if somebody does see me blocking the exits they I Don't know. I don't know what they say. I don't know what I'd say Yeah That's why I just I gotta do as fast as possible and That's just it It's so much to do guys. It is so much to do all by yourself, you know, it's so fucking hard But in reality, it's not that hard it's just a matter of not getting seen That's the hardest part Blocking everything is pretty easy. I just got to analyze the living hell out of it when I'm breaking stuff down to see What's where what I could use, you know? So it's just It's just I don't know This is gonna be like that, you know, you just gotta go And I really wish it could be this week Really wish because I'm I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of pushing myself every day I'm tired of getting up every night Just not even feeling like I slept because I haven't I get like four hours of sleep a night. That's it So I was up to like four in the afternoon Wake up at nine the next night That night rather Or instant repeat Tired Oh Tired of breathing I'm tired of going to a dead-end job I'm tired of putting all this effort into videos that aren't going anywhere I'm tired of animating in general. I don't want to do it anymore I'm tired of my body I'm tired of food I Tired of everybody I don't want to deal with another human again alive anyway I'm tired of having to watch what I post on social media I Tired of the same old routine I'm tired of feeling like I'm screaming on the inside and nobody within a million miles can hear me scream That's what it feels like every day I'm tired of having to live as somebody I'm not I Tired of being nice tired of beer Tired of everything Tired of everything but my girls it's really it Laura finally has been getting me the voiceover for the massacre video. It's talking. It's taking forever Goes back to me saying how much I hate relying on people. I mean Laura's okay. I don't mind Laura. I like Laura like her a lot She's great Fuck I've been waiting since March Been waiting two months to get the opening voiceover section from her Which is like, you know, they literally piss me off more than other people do because of this or you know Rachel you're failing math again. What about like that whole opening portion? I have not had the voiceover for For her for the last two months. I've been waiting for I only got three lines the other day She got it to me, but it's pissing me off So I want it I need it Fortunately, I don't need to animate anything for that really I've just accepted that I just Fucking done with animation. I Still gonna animate more things, but I'm Doing the bare minimum if I don't need to animate something I'm not gonna animate it because I got like fucking like 15 shots to animate within two weeks That's tight. That's really fucking tight. That's almost impossible Not to mention the ending which I didn't even freaking figure out yet Looks like I have figured it out, but I don't know how I'm gonna do it because I Intended on having me get shot by cops that stormed into the school But I don't even think I'm gonna animate cops now because it's like too fucking hard I have to cheat which shots where they're walking around because I it's a pain in the ass doing walk cycles I did a run cycle, but even that was like stiff. It's hard. I gotta do everything so fucking fast You know I don't have time to make it perfect It's what it is. That's the sad thing about this video. It's gonna be what it is It's a shame. I mean the voice acting is good acting You know The animation it's still good though compared to what I've done the animation is the best it's ever been But the lousy thing is I got a rush through it Sucks But at the same time I don't give a shit because I'm tired of it I'm so tired of animating stuff. It takes so damn long my nights off from work at Four in the morning is by time I like start working on stuff I'll get up at like 2 33 o'clock shower eat watch YouTube a little bit and you know Start animating and then before you know it's like fucking 10 o'clock and it's like wow. I only did one shot The other fucking night it took me the whole night to animate Um What was it the comeback sequence? Um, I think it was a to follow my own fantasy that little movement there That took like all fucking night to animate that part It's outrageous how long that takes And even though I know what I'm doing with it Think about animations you can cheat by taking properties of other movements and then pacing it again and reusing it You know, but still depending what you're doing you're gonna you got the author shit, you know Can't be the same exact animation got to change it, but it takes all damn night It's ridiculous I mean it just blows my mind like in my head it's like I can animate it so fast like boom, buh-buh-buh boom All right done next one Take eight hours to do one shot at times sometimes it takes half that sometimes it only takes a Fourth of that, you know sometimes it takes like a couple hours and you're under the next one There are times where I get like two to three shots done in a night But anymore it's like you just get one one and a half By 1030 it's like I don't want to do it anymore. I'm done Then I go shooting or something That's happened. Some of those shooting videos are after I was animating stuff, but it's just I Was like I like sound like I inhale like so fucking loud. I Don't know I'm like I'm dying. I am dying Fuck Please don't tell me I was someone getting home That would suck哈哈哈 What's up? Today is Friday, May 26th. Today sucked. I just did not have any energy to do anything. Hopefully you can hear me over the car. I don't know what this is going to sound like, but big fucking whoop. I went shooting about an hour ago. And it's crazy how bored I am of it now. At first it was amazing how I was shooting stuff and blowing stuff up and everything. Now it's like I'm desensitized to it all. I'm bored of it all. I'm ready to take it up to the next level in two weeks I will. But, fuck it. Get out of here. Yeah. It's just crazy how bored I am of it. And I have enough ammunition if I wanted to wait until the night of. I have enough ammunition to wait. I'm going to be talking about some more slugs for the hell of it. Not that I'm going to really be using them anyways that night. It's going to be a whole buck shot. Slugs, I'm a lousy shot with slugs. And the main thing is you have less room for error with slugs. It's one solid bullet that's going to fly out of the gun. With a buck shot, depends which kind you get. But the one I have is a double-o buck shot which has like, there's nine pellets in it. So you have nine penetration holes. So you have a better chance of hitting something with that. As opposed to just one. So, yeah, it's going to be all buck shot that night. Except for maybe if I'm shooting at like the propane or something. Which I actually, I looked at my shed. We have two big propane canisters in there. If I wanted I could take it that night. Just go out back and get it. No one would see it. So that's always a possibility. They're not completely filled, but either way. So, no, no, just driving around. It's what I do. What I want to think. I always drive. Sometimes I don't even have music on. I just drive. Clear my head. It wasn't handy. It's just, it's so crazy to think. 12 more nights. That's it. I'm dead. 12 nights to live. What do you do with the last 12 days of your life? What do you do? I don't know. It was to the point today where I didn't even touch the massacre video at all. I didn't do anything. My body physically did not want to do anything today. And it blowed. I just sat on my computer desk and I almost fell asleep. After sleeping for 10 hours, I almost fell asleep. And I did. I took an hour nap. It's unreal how weak my body is right now. I can't do it anymore. I can't. On a full-time job on top of it, I just, I can't do this anymore. It's awful. I never get any sleep. And even if I do, I still feel like shit. Except for 10 hours. Then tacked on another hour after that. I still feel like shit. So I'm at the point now where it's like, I don't give a fuck. If there's holes in the video, or if there's just like, animatic shots in there in place of what was gonna be a shot, what the fuck ever. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I'm done. My body is giving up. That's it. It's over. I need to take careers over. My life's over. It's all over. Everything. Now it's just the waiting game. I'm just on borrowed time. That's it. If I really wanted to, I can go in tonight and pop Brian off if I wanted, but it's just him and Terry there. There's no point. I'm gonna get the other two. It's gotta be Wednesday. That's the latest. Plus I don't have Laura's lines yet for the opening anyway, so. I think what I'm just gonna do is over the next week, just keep digging through stuff and see what I can find and upload what I can to the media fire page and, you know, animate when I feel like it, which is gonna be never. I just, I don't feel like doing it anymore. The mental strain from it all. Can't even explain it. It's really hard to explain. It's crazy because you're not physically doing anything like exercising wise, except like your head. You're just thinking, but even then it's like, I'm just mentally fucking physically exhausted today. I just look at the video and it's like, I don't feel like doing this anymore. It sucks. It really sucks. It sucks ass. That's what I like to do. If it was like on film, that'd be another story. That'd be easy. Animation, totaled ballgame. You know, messes with your head. Really does. Animation drives you crazy. Seriously does. Except the subtlest thing is off. It throws the whole shot out of whack. You know? It's a game of patience. Yeah, there's skill involved, but I made stuff that it's like, wow, that actually looks really nice and it doesn't look like there's like any effort at all put into it, but at the same time it looks like it was like a lot of effort put into it. I don't even know if that makes sense. I mean, I'm happy with it. I'm satisfied with it for the most part. It could always be better, but the perfectionist in me is just, it's dying for you two. I just, I don't fucking care anymore. It doesn't have to be a whole steak. I'll forget when someone told me that. You don't need to give us a whole steak every time. This was meant to be a smorgasbord. This was meant to be amazing, and I had to do everything, which fucking animators can kiss my ass for that. And Laura was nice enough to offer to look around, see if she can find people who do commissions for it and her groups and stuff to animate it and like save your breath because I used the money I had for it. I used all the money on ammunition. I could still afford to do it, but the way it is now, this late in the game, I can't rely on people to get that done within 10 days, you know, with that short of a notice, that's not going to happen. There's no way. Because that was the whole point, was to do this back in fucking January, February, March, to get it all out of the way, get everyone on board with what I'm doing. And, you know, you have all that time to work on it and adjust everything as needed. Now it's like, well, I'd have 10 days. That's not happening. There's no way. And for all I know, it could look like total shit. You never know. So, I'm not even bothering. I have enough to do as it is. I'm not even bothering. The animators can fucking screw themselves. I don't know, dude. I'm just done. I'm done. What else do you want me to say? What else do you want me to say? Every day just gets harder. Every day just more and more thoughts race through my head. Like, not bad thoughts or anything. Like, it's like my mind is like a never-ending train trekking down a fucking track of endless, like, madness. And it never stops. It's just gotten worse every year. Song lyrics never stop playing in my head. People singing in my head. Me thinking about quotes from movies or TV shows and thinking about this and saying, I don't fucking care a million fucking times in my head. I don't care. Nobody cares. I don't fucking care. I don't care. It never fucking stops. And it goes on forever. Especially when I'm trying to fall asleep too. That sucks ass. It really sucks ass. Ugh. You have no idea. It's as if I have ADD, but I don't. I was never diagnosed with ADD. My brother kind of has like, batter OCD. I have a little OCD, which, who doesn't, everybody does. But this is just a never-ending nightmare. And time has gone so slow. It's not even funny. Except when I'm home. When I'm at work, it drags like a motherfucker. When I'm at home, oh look, it's noon already. I'm not gonna eat for dinner. Oh, by the time I get that and come back, I'm not gonna wanna do anything else. Well, then I won't be working on the video either. Fuck. It's 12 o'clock now. It's literally noon right now. I just looked at the clock. That's pretty funny. I was wanting to post on social media about the shotguns and everything, and I can't. I could, but it's not smart. The biggest problem I'm facing right now is that night itself, and not the fact of what I'm about to do, but the fact of the video itself is making me nervous, because God has forbid that video gets flagged or reported, you know? I have no way of appealing it or reversing that, you know? That's... You're screwed. There's nothing I can do, because I'll be dead. So it's like I've been trying to plan what I'm gonna release it, because I wanna do it in the general ballpark area of when I'm gonna do it, you know? But not like anything would happen within like a few hours anyways, but... You know... It's a morbid video. And... It just has me uneasy about posting it too early. It's like, I thought I could have posted it at like 3 o'clock in the afternoon by the time I got up, but I don't know if it got reported or not, but I wanted to go up at around 9, which is when I get up, so I wanna schedule release it. It's gonna be a huge fucking file too, so the other thing is, I'm up against the clock as it is, but the other thing is, this is gonna be like a 2 gigabyte file when I upload it to YouTube. It's gonna be a half hour long video, pretty much, because I got all this stuff to cram into it. At least that's what it's looking like anyways. The timeline's all broken up into sections, but I'm pretty sure it's gonna be like a 25 minute video. And... That's 1080p. It's huge. It's humongous. So... I could always just do 720, doesn't fucking matter in the end. You'll have the digital file anyway. But... Yeah, it just has me uneasy, because if that gets reported, then... You're screwed. You know? That's just the biggest problem right now. Fortunately, I don't think... I don't think Victoria watches that channel. Fortunately, I told her about it. I showed her... The first ETS video, the Finding a Purpose video. I think I sent it to her on Facebook last year, but... I don't have her on Facebook anymore, and I doubt she has a YouTube channel and subscribed to it, so... She'll be working anyway, she shouldn't see that. So, unless she watches it on break, but... Like, yeah, crazy, huh? And then you're gonna be dead in a couple hours. So yeah, it's just... There's just so much shit that's gonna go down in those final six hours. It's gonna be insane. Again, my ass can't keep writing those emails, because I don't have enough written yet. Damien's written. Laura Favrety's. James. That was it. Oh, Andrew Blank. That was the other one. It shows you how much I remember him. Worthless fucker. Goddamn fucking cunt-ass bitch. Probably wondering, where am I driving to? Anywhere. Just driving anywhere. It's kind of funny, you can't see under my chin for once. Sorry. This is the only good place to put it, so I don't have to hold it. And see, I put it long ways this time. You happy? Better be. So I hate that shit too, when people vlog like this with it, like, straight up. You don't think about that. Until after the fact, it's like, oh fuck, I can hold the phone right. So, fuck. Sorry. I need to do that. Yeah, this is honestly what I do. Honestly, honestly what I do. This is honestly what I do. I just drive around and clear my head. And it helps, it always does. Sometimes I can drive for hours, like two hours. What's happening? Just drive around my neighborhood. It's a suburban area, you know. You got all these back roads and areas to go, so I usually just drive around the fucking county, anywhere I want. Also, I'm just thinking like, hey, this could be the last time I'm going to be going down here, you know? So, I'm so ready. Been ready for so long. I'm 99% of the way there. I just need to get everything in order now, because this is it. This is the final home stretch, you know. I have to have everything prepared, everything ready. Everything I need to stay out of the way. I also want to record a video for my parents too. Which that has to be when nobody's home, which hasn't been happening a lot lately. Saw it yesterday, yesterday's recording, my mom got home, which was bullshit. It always pisses me off, like when I get home from work in the morning, if it's like 7.30, and there's fucking people home, it's like fuck, I like being by myself. It's like 5 out of the 7 days a week, it's like there's somebody home. Doesn't help because my mom's like part-time now with her full-time job. She has her own side business, which has been taken over everything. Literally, it's been taken over the fucking basement, but I'm never down there anyways, but bottom line is there's always somebody home now, and it sucks. Because I want to be by myself so I can record stuff. This is it. If I really had, so I could just take the camera out and film in the car here if I wanted. Doesn't matter, but I don't like the sound in the car. I just took a shower by the way. No, it wasn't a shower, it was in the hot tub, Andrew, you're stupid! Yeah, I went shooting and then I was just soaked. It rained like the last two days and the field up there was just drenched. Fucking feet, it literally seemed like I was just walking in puddles of water in my feet, in my shoes. For the first time ever I went up there, there was some fucker there, like plowing the fields over there or something, planning stuff, I don't know, some kind of 60 year old. I doubt he'd recognize me if he saw me on the news two weeks from now. Oh, that was the kid that had to get around me to ask if he can go shoot. I thought he'd recognize me if he saw me on the news two weeks from now. Oh, that was the kid that had to get around me to ask if he can go shoot. Yeah, it's like this little tiny trail you gotta come up through from the road and it's like 100 some yards from the road and it's just like this little narrow path and his car was blocking my way and you see a car come up through the side of the road like that through the woods. Who the hell could that be? It wasn't who I thought it was gonna be because there's this guy Jason that plants the field up there and takes care of it and everything and grows corn and stuff and it was some other guy. I didn't recognize him but didn't ask any questions just let me go around so thanks. One good thing is my hand doesn't hurt anymore from shooting that shotgun. I don't know why, so I've been holding it better but my god, it's those first few times right in the middle of my hand right here just fucking hurt like a motherfucker from the kick. So that's a good sign because I fired 100 rounds at least. Fire 100 rounds every time I go up there, 100 or more. It's a lot. But I have six, I have six, I think there's 25 in a box. It's about a 250 round case so I've been buying for the buck shot. It's 250 rounds in this big box and I have six boxes left. So that's like 100 and 200 shots left. Not even counting what's in the bag. So I have like two of them in the bag. I have like 250, pretty much 250 rounds left which is plenty. I'm not gonna need that many when I go in there. The way I see it is in the supermarket I'll probably end up firing off like 30. That's about it. I can't see it being too much more than that. 30 to 50, anywhere in that ballpark area. Hold on, going up. And I have like 10 slugs left and I just bought like 20 more. So the way I see it is I might just go out practicing one more time and that's it. It's also just because I've already got a money, like just over $2,000 left to my name. So I've got $70 to load up all this stuff to shoot at. $70 is worth of targets. This is stuff that's on sale too. Ridiculous, it just adds up. So trying to think of what I'll do with what money I have left with. I want to give some to Laura just to help her future maybe. She'll probably have a hard time accepting. Why'd you give me like $200? But yeah, that's what I'm just thinking I might do. Damien, I don't know. Damien would give me his PayPal. I'd be like, why didn't he my PayPal? Help you out because now you're not making any money. He made $2. He made $2 last week on his YouTube channel. And then I see in the one tweet, he's like, time to find another job. In my head, I'm like, you son of a bitch, YouTube's not a job. I'm gonna clock him for that. Yeah. Glad I never relied on YouTube to make a living because there's no way I'd survive. Just saying now with all the fucking changes they've done, I'm glad nothing ever took off for me. Because I know full well I pretty much would have went down to the bare minimum of what you can call a part-time job at the store. But, you know, that never would have happened. So, 12 days. 12 more days. Just to let everybody I've met in my life. The fact that I haven't seen anybody in years, like in person, like that I went to school with, James, I haven't seen him in person since we did that Christmas video. The end of 2013 was the last time I physically saw him in person. 3 and a half years ago. Almost. Chris, Henry, Billy, Tim. These people I was good friends with in high school, not seen since. When I got out of high school, I only saw like maybe two people. With that, I haven't seen anybody. Great, I'd never really go anywhere, but the places I've been, I've never seen anybody. I've never at the store where I live. Not the one I work at, but the local one. I've never seen anybody there. It's weird. I know they didn't move away. I don't care less anyways, I'd never say anything to them, unless they said hi to me, which I didn't know if anyone would recognize me. Even though I look exactly the same. Maybe just a couple years older, but that's it. June 3rd will be six years I've been out of high school. Damn. That went fast. Six years out of high school and it'll be three years out of college. 2014. 2014 was like one of the most frustrating years of my life. I'd say 2013 was more frustrating, but it's almost debatable because of other fucking stupid growing up shit you gotta deal with finding jobs. 2014 was the worst in terms of that. In terms of dealing with people, 2014 was the worst. In terms of my favorite years of my life, 2014 was my favorite. It's always gonna be my favorite. I made my best videos then too. They were on film anyway. When EGS stuff, there's only so much I can do for cartoons. You can't crank stuff out. The tape videos are amazing and all that, but it's just audio for the most part. There's no animation in it. But I consider the EGS stuff my best scripted work. No matter what, it doesn't matter what the visuals look like. That's still my best work. It's my best written work. It's everything. It's my best work. But 2014 was my favorite year. I don't know what would come in second. I'd say... One of the earlier years I was on YouTube, but it's hard to pick. It's gonna say 2012 because of the Furby video, but that was like the only thing we did. We... that I did. There's nothing else that was really huge. That was when I was doing sucks videos. 2013 was just a big speed bump. 2015 was nothing. It was just a lost year. So I focused all my time with the animation. 2008, I don't remember really anything from. It was all the improvised Fred type of videos and Smosh types of videos. 2009 was a step up. That's when I started doing the make me bad type of stuff. 2010 was the alligator horse head video which sucked. 2013... 2014 is my favorite. One second. What did I do in 2011? 2011 I did the chat roulette video. Chat roulette? Probably a horse head video. Maybe. I don't know what time I'm remembering guys. There's my brother. What did I do in 2011? I didn't really do anything over the summer because I was going to do the alligator horse head 2 video. Damien's dad died. Step dad. So I didn't really do much during that span. In the end I did horse head lives. The whale Christmas video. The remake. The first fraud video. I don't know. I don't know. It was 2013. It was a very dull year. That was when the comedy started to die. 2013 I did a sucks video or two. The I Have a Problem video at the very start. The draw of my life. Mindful of silliness if my mind could be heard. Or if my thoughts could be heard. They're very basic videos. The radio video. If there's a malunitec or whatever. And then my hard drive died at the end of the year when I was doing the figure in black series. So yeah. I don't know what my second favorite year is guys. I really don't know. I'm thinking for like two or three minutes I actually don't even know. Ah. This is killing me. 2016 half of it was nothing. Because I was finishing up everything. In terms of animation and the intro and all that. I might say 2009. 2009 might be my favorite. Besides 2014. 2009 I cranked stuff out. That's all I know. I did a video like every other week. Always filming stuff. Because that's when my parents would. And my brother. They'd go out to their bowling league. Or my brother would go and watch all the time. Every Wednesday night. And that's when I would film stuff or I would cross dress. That's always what I did. Surprised I never actually cross dressed for a video. Actually I think I might have. For one. If I was on a date. But I never finished filming it. Or I scrapped it after I filmed it all. Yeah. That's always what I would do. Every Wednesday night. I'd film. That was my slot. I'd have like 3 and a half hours to do whatever. Started at 6. And they'd be done by 9.30. That was a good slot. Plus I was awake anyways. It's not early in the morning. And once I got a job. That threw a fork in everything. But. I guess. 2009 is probably my second favorite year. And then 2008. Just because that was the start of everything. You know. I also. Cranked stuff out that year. 2008. I didn't do anything until mid-year. Because there was no Pioneers Productions at the very beginning of 2008. It was June. 20. 20. June 2008. So whenever they started. And it was like every week. That first week I was on YouTube with Pioneers Productions. I think I made like 3 videos. They're all improvised of course. But you know. But. 2008 was. Awesome. The only shitty thing is I didn't save any of those videos. And we have. And we have one video. No I have two. I have two videos. Yeah. From 2008 I only have two videos. But there's no sound on them. It's like audio swatting. Because I copyrighted music. And it was sucked. And I didn't download them. Nighty saved them. Which I gotta thank the living hell out of them for. He saved a lot of videos that got deleted. But. That's before I knew you could buy. External hard drives to put your stuff on. If anything I should have just privatized them. But if it had music in there I didn't own. I don't think you were safe if you even had them on private. But yeah. Things happen for a reason. You know. But. They're so fun. So many great years. Each year just got a little bit. Shittier. It was a very slow cycle. 2008 was fine. 2009. Was when I started to realize how. Important it is to study for tests in high school. Because I was failing a lot of stuff. Especially in 2010. 2010 was really bad. But. Yeah. 2008 was the end of ninth grade. James always busted me on that. Because I always got the years wrong. About 2008 was my freshman year. But it wasn't. 2007. 2007. But. Yeah. 2009 and 2010 where I just. Started hating school and hated doing tests. And hated studying. And I just did not study. Enough. Even when I tried to study the living hell out of my stuff. I still failed. I kept getting the fear of failure. And had to get tutored. And it was a nightmare. Every time a big test came up I was like oh fuck. What if I fail? Which somehow I got through it all. Math. Math was the worst. I can't tell you how many times I failed math tests. Every time I lied saying I knew what I was doing. Like if anyone had questions I'd lie. I was like. I'd lie. But you never noticed in the videos. The videos I made during that time they were still. Really. Carefree. You know. It wasn't until 2012 where I finally made something that was somewhat depressing. That was the somber video. It's just called somber. Sombur. That was just a video where I just went and shot. Mainly just. You know. Sorry. This is the same spot my phone fell the last time. Sombur was just a video where I just went out and filmed whatever. I just filmed nature stuff. Filmed me walking around. You know. Just a serious video. I felt like shit. I was depressed. That's where the depression first started I guess. I mean it's been in my life pretty much. Pretty much since late middle school is when I started getting depressed but 12th grade. No. I was out of school. I was out of high school then. 2012 was my uh. That was the end of my freshman year of college. When that video was filmed. It's hard to remember certain things. I put on the spot like that. Yeah. That's when I was. I had like D's in season. Every one of my classes. In college. That was bad. I had so many classes too. Which sucked. My days were so fucking long. Plus I had to work on top of that. Like some days I'd be there from like 8 to 4. With like a 2 hour gap in the middle of the day. You know. Which sucked. But the days they felt like they never fucking ended. And fortunately I don't remember too much from those days. In school. But they sucked. Yeah. Then. 2013's when I just got hit hard with everything else in my personal life. And still tried to make funny videos. Which they all were. Except the draw my life. But. 2013 I still tried to hide it. And I don't want to show that I was really upset yet. But. Was. A dull year. For content. And then 2014 everything exploded. Without me even realizing it was about to. And then I got hit. And then I got hit. Without realizing it was about to. Think of all that I did. Even though I only made a 4. Almost technically 5. But I made 4 videos that year in 2014. I made Amnesia Rape, Search for a Member. Extinction. Resurrection. An absolution was being filmed in December. But it was released in January. But it's technically 5. And then I did the Pioneer's Productions anthology. In 2014 as well. So I did a lot. And that was a huge year for me. And that catapulted me to where I am now. 2014 was the best year of my life in a way. But at the same time it was the most frustrating. Besides. I'd say 2016. 2016 was pretty much as frustrating as this year has been. And in 2013. But every year I just get more and more. More and more aggravated. More and more. Livid. And more and more. Stressed. But in terms of like the worst years of my life. I'd say 2013's at the top. And then. 2016 and to now. 2016 is when all the hatred came back. 2014's just 50-50. It was half good. It was half terrible. But being so many good things happened out of 2014. I can't say it was a bad year of my life. I'd say it was one of the best. It was one of the best learning experiences. But 2014 was just when I had all the pressure of finding a full-time job. I didn't want to. I didn't want to get a full-time job. I had to. I had to. Because I needed a job that had benefits and all that shit. I needed more money so I could pay my bills. Like my phone bill and all that. My car insurance. And. I just BSed my way through it. I applied to like. I'd say 20-some places. And then I got like maybe 5 phone calls. But I just got a call. I got a call. I got like maybe 5 phone calls. But I ignored all of them. I never told my parents that. Which I doubt they'll watch all of these anyways. But. If you're watching now. Hey. Now you know. Yeah. They're all like warehouse jobs. Which I didn't want to do. And. I got the hospital job. Which I guess I'll talk about the hospital job for the rest of this recording. Give me a second. The hospital job. Seemed like. Seemed like it was just like something that was going to be good. I guess seemed like a job that I was going to be able to do without like any stress. That's what the guy told me. He's like you know. It's not a stressful job. And it was a second shift job. 4pm to 1230 in the morning. And. I had to prepare like for a month for that. I had to you know. Have orientation. Which was a whole days worth of shit. For like. The hospital in general. Because you need to know all this shit. And what everything means. And. What to do in certain situations. So it was like a whole day of school in a hospital. Which sucked. It was 8 in the morning until like 430. And. It was a whole shift. You just sat in a fucking room. It sucked ass. Seemed like it never ended. But. I went through all that. I got fucking shots. I got fucking shots. Blood drawn. The whole shit bang. You know. Drug tested. Sucked. I had to get fingerprinted. That was fun. With this finger. Yeah. I had to get fingerprinted for some reason. I guess for records. Criminal records. I don't know. But yeah. I went through all this for a month. But so ecstatic. I was quitting my job at the store. You know. I didn't even say goodbye to anybody. I fucking. Just. I don't know the term of it. I just. I flew out of that store that day. And I saw Jeff. Who's the main manager there. You know. He was outside. Adjusting the carts or something. I just blew by with comeback song blasting. Like through my speakers. I'm like full blast. I just drove away. I'm like I never going back there again. I just drove away. I just drove away. I just drove away. I just drove away. I just drove away. I just drove away. I was like I never going back there again. Well. Little did I know I'd be there for another couple years. Because in September was. We went away I think. We went away to the Cowboys Saints game. Which was a Sunday night football game. And that was before I had the surgeries done. So my finger was like. It was agony. I couldn't bend it all the way. I can get like to hear. And I wouldn't bend anymore. I would just have to bend my finger or something. Like right at the base of the tip of my finger. And I guess it was like the tendon that snapped in half. You know like rolled up or something. I don't know. Hurt like hell. It was red. My finger was red and pink and all that. And. It was just it was agony. But I had to deal with that for months. Had to deal with that through August and September and October. But nonetheless. I started the hospital job. It was the first week of October. Because I remember I was filming Resurrection when I did it. Um. Yeah. Um. Trying to pay attention to where I'm going. Because I got cars in front of me now. Trying not to hit anybody. Um. So yeah. I got the job. After the interview and all that. And you know. Did all the preparing for it. The orientation. All that shit I just talked about. Started the first week of October. I only worked there for one night. And that was it. The guys there. Seemed very laid back. You know. How people are in the city. But. The guy that trained me was very. He's. He wasn't bad. Wasn't bad at all. Seemed pretty cool. You know. I don't like working. You know. I'm pretty lazy. But. This is where this goes. This is probably for that. You know. We separate everything here. Load it all up. Okay. This is for. The operating room. And. Didn't seem bad. But the whole time I'm there. I'm thinking. This isn't me. This really isn't me. And. I was very quiet throughout the entire. Shift. Like you know you don't say very much. Very quiet. Like yeah. I know. This is how I am. Or whatever. But just like he's telling me all this stuff. Like you know. And I had to get. You know. Lock codes and all this for doors. Because. The storage areas where all the product is going. That's coming in off the truck is in all these like. Supply closets and you need like. Fucking code for all of them and. Some of them have different codes and all this and. There was a weird kind of locker. Of course like these little pegs in the. In the door. In a certain order and it would open. But. It just it blew my mind like how many places there was. For stock to go. And I'm like there's no fucking way I'm going to get. All this in my. Like down in my head. There's no way. There's no way. It just it blew my mind. The place was huge. It's. If anyone is curious where it was it's Wilkesbury General Hospital. Which is like a fucking. 20 foot or 20 foot. There's like a 20 floor hospital. And. When you break stuff down off the truck. You separate it into sections. I guess like they have like numbers. There was like these numbers written in chalk on the floor. And I guess on the product they would say like six or seven or four. And that's where you would separate it. And like the cart you put it on was like. Five feet wide. And like eight to ten feet long. And you load it up on the loading dock in the basement. And you got to go up. And then come all the way back down. And load it up and repeat. Fortunately there wasn't a lot that came in that night. But the shitty thing was there was nothing to do. So for literally like two and a half hours or so. We just sat around on our phones. And the World Series was on. We were watching that. Just in the break room there. And you know just talking about whatever. And I'm just. I'm like I don't want to fucking be here anymore. I almost just got up and left. Because I wanted to. But. I just wanted to rough through it. You know it's a paycheck. Because I wasn't going to have any other money coming in. But. Just sitting there and I'm like. I just. This isn't me. I'm wearing a scrubbed uniform. And it felt like I was wearing like a prison outfit. Just that thin cloth. It was blue. It was light. It was like powder blue scrubs. And it felt like I wasn't like wearing anything. Sucked. I hated wearing that. But. I just everything I had to wear. It's like this isn't who I am at all. I can't do this every day. And. It's just. It was nothing against the people that worked there or anything. But it just. It wasn't me. And then. I also had to take like an. I had to be in charge of like the supply area where all the stuff is like. For other departments and people would phone down and say we need this up in this room. Or we need this up in the maternity ward. Or we need this here and. It just sucked. I didn't want to do it. I think that the job position was called a materials manager. So yeah. The writing was right there on the wall for that. But. It just it wasn't me. It was like the longest fucking eight hours of my life. And I was late. I was like fucking like seven minutes late when I punched it. But. Yeah. It's just the place was enormous. So many twists and turns to get to one area to put stuff in like. You go down a long hallway. Go through a pair of double doors that you open with a button. Go down. Around a dog leg hallway. Down here through another pair of double doors and. Into a whole other section of the place through here through a door. And it's like how the fuck do you remember all this shit. And. The stuff could be for anywhere. I'm trying to think of like the stuff we got. It was like. I don't know what do you have in a hospital that like for back stock. Like. I don't know like masks to put over your mouth or. I don't even remember everything we had. It's a blur to me now. But. All this stuff like it could be like for just like one of the supply closets. And if you get to one and it's full it's like great I can't put it here. But. It's just it sucked. It wasn't me at all and it sucked because the biggest mistake I made. The biggest mistake I made was talking about it on social media. Saying I got a full time job. I'm so fucking happy it's going to be cool. I'll give you a hint. Try to guess where it is. You get to meet a lot of interesting people. That was like what I said. Like it's a hospital. So. Of course people knew about it. The little bubble knew about it. You know. If anyone knows what the bubble is. Sammy Haley. TJ James. Dave. That group of people. Muscle Ryan. He's even real for all I know. Still swear it's James or. I'm mad too or someone but. Either way. Everyone knew about it. And then I just went off saying I quit because. It wasn't me. It wasn't the job for me. And. It was. It was a bad decision because I had no money coming in. And I made a post saying you know I just screwed myself. And. I have no money coming in. I don't know what I'm going to do. And. I put off telling my parents as long as I possibly could. I just. I just. I just. I just. I just. I just told my parents as long as I possibly could. I just emailed the fucking guy that hired me saying you know the job is not for me. Thanks for the opportunity what not. But never got a response back. But. Fortunately. But. Yeah. It's supposed to be working that day. You know. It was like quarter to four my dad's like shouldn't be. I shouldn't be getting ready for work and I'm like oh I'm off tonight. Oh. Okay. Cause I didn't tell them when I was working. But yeah. My mom got home and I'm like, alright, I might as well just tell her. So, went into the kitchen, told her, pretty much whispered it all, because my dad was in the living room and I knew he would fucking kill me for it. So I told her, and you know, like the job's not for me, it was terrible. I hate working with the people there, it's just not me. I just, I quit. So I quit, I said. And you know, she was devastated. She's like, great. You know, like tears in her eyes and everything. She's like, well, we have to tell your father. I'm like, no. And we were just like talking for like 10 minutes. I'm like, I can't fucking tell him. He's gonna kill me. And deep down, it's like, well, I need to get it out of the way, but I did not want to tell my dad, because I hate my dad. I hate when he's pissed at me over shit, because I can never look at him. I can never look at him when he's pissed. His pretend he's not even there. Eventually brought him in, and I stood there for like a minute, just trying to, not necessarily gather the courage to say it, but just like, just knowing like, this is the last time, this is the last time he's not gonna be pissed at me for a while, you know? And I eventually said it, he's like, well, that's just wonderful. So what's your plan? You know, I'm like, I don't have one. Well, that's just fantastic. I started yelling at me and shit like he would, you know? And I'm like, whatever. I just got out of there. Good, it's out of the way. But, and I knew, great, I'm back to square one. No job, no money coming in. And that was when I was like, legit starting to think about suicide, because I just, I don't want to go through life anymore. I'm just tired of the pressure of finding jobs, eventually having to move out. I never did move out, never moved out of the house. But it was during that week when I filmed the first scene for Resurrection, when I was looking for the frog and whale in the closet, in the box and everything, and that was all right after I quit the job and all that. The original footage was from that next day after I quit that morning, but that's not the footage that I ended up getting used, at least I don't think any of it did. I had to reshoot it. I had to reshoot everything in Resurrection, except for like one sequence, but... Yeah, it was a shitty period. That was the worst of 2014. The rest was okay, because somehow I got the job back at the supermarket. I forget if my dad or my mom asked one of the managers there if I was still in the system, and I was, which that ended up being the death of everybody. But I was still in the system, I wasn't terminated yet, and I got the job back, which was part time, but it was money. So, you know, it was like, it was a shitty period of my life. That's where everything just got scary, because like, I couldn't go anywhere without having it brought up. I couldn't go out just out to dinner with my dad anymore, by myself with him. We just went out for dinner one night, and it never fucking left my memory. It got burned into my retinas for a while, so I just kept seeing it in my head. Went out to eat, and went into the job talk, and I wanted to kill him. It was like, there's people sitting around us at a fucking bar. We're sitting at the bar, and there's people on the right of me, and people on the left of me, talking about my job, and you know, you haven't done anything yet. Start looking for jobs, you better fucking have something by October or whatever. Right around, everyone's fucking sitting around us. I didn't even want to finish eating my dinner after that. And of course, the whole drive home was very fucking quiet. What comes on the radio, Queen comes on the radio. I want to change it, but I won't. There's somebody to love. So I was one high of the evening, but oh my God, I didn't want to fucking talk to him again after that. That was horrible. I just, I couldn't believe he did that to me. That was it. That was the last straw I had with him. After that, I don't want anything to deal with him anymore. Fucking asshole. What fucking difference does it make either? It's like, I still had a part-time job, I was still making money. You made it out to be like I wasn't doing anything. This is my fucking ass. That was a horrible night. I don't know when that was. That was before I took the hospital job. That might have been in like July or something. It's also around the time where I got, almost got written up for kissing off a customer, but I'm not going to get into that because I don't want that to go down an infamy. I might have talked about it before, but it was just, it was just bullshit. I don't want to remember that one. But, yeah, it was just, everything was just crushing me. I had nowhere to go. My YouTube channel wasn't doing anything either. So that's when I was starting to make like my final preparations to die at that time. Because the anthology was meant to be it, pretty much. But that's when I was doing extinction. And it's like, okay, I still can do a few more videos. So I intended 2015 to be the end of it all. I thought I'd be dead by the end of 2015. I said I kept envisioning going up to my grandparents' house when they weren't home and getting one of their guns. And EGS happened. Changed everything. But, so yeah, I got the job back at the store. And that's when I found like a loophole through it all. Because I had to get surgery on my hand. They told me I needed surgery. And I was going to wait. Because I had the full-time job at the time. I had the hospital job. So you had to wait like 90 days before you could take like a leave. And I was going to do it in January. And it's like, great, now I can do it sooner. So I went back to work for like two and a half weeks. And then had the hand surgery. Which everyone knows what happened after that. So couldn't move my fingers for like a month. And that's when I just started working on animation. So, I guess I'll wrap this up soon. I'm going to go get some dinner before I go to bed. It's about eight miles back that way. I've just been going the same route the entire time I've been talking to you guys. That's what it is. I don't want to go in the interstate and talk. I've got to pay more attention. So, yeah, I didn't intend on talking about all that for that long. But yeah, that's fine. It's almost been an hour. Fuck you. Going over a one lane bridge here. There's a car coming. There's never been a car coming except this one time. That's fucking funny. But yeah, after that, I had the surgery. I missed like four months of work or five or whatever. Yeah, November, December, January, February. Pretty much March. So I missed five months of work. Then I needed a second surgery. And then after I came back, after the second surgery was when I had the blessing in disguise. Sorry, there's always this spot where the camera will fall. Going uphill. But yeah, it was after, I'd say it was, uh, there's one, two, three. It was about three and a half months after I got back after the second surgery. So late July, that was when Jeff asked me if I wanted the night shift job, which I thought like there's no fucking way I'm going to be able to alter my life like that. It's turning everything upside down. And I pondered it because the whole night shift pretty much quit. They had nobody. It was just Brian and this other guy there, though, his name was Bill, who was like fucking 40. But it was just the two of them. They had nobody. The guy that trained me actually went to night shift that that's who quit. I was one of the guys who quit, but he trained me my first year there. It's funny back in 2010. But yeah, he quit. The other guy quit. They had nobody there. And Jeff asked me if I wanted it. I pondered it for like two days and then I'm like, well, it's virtually like, it's virtually the same job, just a little bit more responsibility and it's full time. So I took it. And it's one of the best decisions I ever made. It's a great decision. And, um, yeah, I don't remember much about that first few months transitioning and all that, but it's crazy to think that I'm full time night shift. I adjusted to that. I think I would be able to. But so things happened for a reason. Fortunately, I took the surgery when I did because that might have been a different outcome. So that's always, you can't hold on to what ifs, but that's a big what if. What if I stayed at the hospital? Well, what have happened? I don't know. The thing was the supermarket's amazing because it's just a little 19 aisle store, tiny back room. You know, it's all right there. You know where everything is. Hospital fucking Lord, 20 floors. Almost if that. It's huge. But I just, I didn't like as much as I hated the supermarket. I didn't mind being there because I knew where everything was. I was comfortable there. You know, so I was there for like five years at the time. I was. It'll be seven in a couple of days. But I just hate change. I don't like changing things that I'm really comfortable with. So it all worked out. You just never know something like that can happen. I didn't expect to still be there after seven years. I wanted to quit after the first year. Yeah, 12 more days and that place will never be the same again. It's insane. So I'm going to end this. It's an hour long recording. I don't know how big of a file size this is going to be. But you probably wouldn't mind a little bit of quality terrain. All right. Yes. Yes, again. Fuck. This is it. All right. Hopefully the sound wasn't too bad. I'll have to see what this sounds like afterwards. But that's it. I'll be seeing you in too many more videos after this one. Shooting videos were the most videos I shot lately of anything. Even that, I don't think I'm going to go up there too many more times. Maybe one or two more times. That's it. All right. Can only see me getting on video like one more time after this. That's crazy to think about. That's setting in. Sad this camera's been my wife. It's not going to be like that anymore. All right. We'll see you humans later. Stay safe. Okay, well I hit record, I didn't mean to, but here I am. Okay, so, as I go over a hill. And great, now we got to go through some road work! Yeah! Let's not go through that shit. So, today's May 30th. Got about nine days left. I'm gonna turn off here. I'm gonna be a little bumpy, bear with me. I put the camera down here this time, just so you can see me more, even though I'm gonna be looking this way most of the time. But I just got sick of looking at the steering wheel, and I could not see anything. So, whatever. So I'm just gathering as much as I possibly can for this digital set. It's just like the main thing that's on my mind anymore, is do I have everything I need in that thing? And I still keep finding more stuff to put in there. Every night, it's like, oh my gosh, I forgot about this. And I just keep digging through stuff, and last night was my night off. I didn't even touch the massacre video, it's like I just, I don't care anymore. It's just gonna be what it is. If I need to put animatic shots in there, to fill in the holes, then that's what I'll do. That's all I can do. I just, I have no time left to work on that thing, and no motivation or will to work on it. So, I'm just done with it. I still need Laura's lines for the opening portion, but that's it. The bulk of the first freaking portions animated anyways, there's like three holes, that's it. Three little holes in the project, I'll always be worse, but the fact of the matter is once people know what's gonna happen, you know, they'll be like, well at least we have what we have. I would hope so. My fans are generally understanding of everything, and hopefully this will be no exception, you know. So, just wish I could move this over. I'm trying not to kill myself prematurely here. It's kinda better. Trying to do this all raw and unedited for you guys too, that way you like get the full just of everything. And no editing, no cutting nothing, so. There, it's better, how's that? So yeah, I'm, I just can't get death off my mind now. Every hour, every ten minutes pretty much, it's always on my mind, I can't get it off, and it's been on my mind for years, but it just constantly has gotten more in my mind. Especially now more than ever, because I have like eight days left to live. So, I'm just preparing myself for that. Because the more I think about it, you know, like the, oh I don't want to stop signing here. Sorry, the more I think about it, you would think like, the more you think about it, the more nervous you'd get, the more comfortable I've gotten with it actually. Death has always been, you know, scary. You think about it, it's like Jesus or anything on the other side, or what's it gonna feel like, am I gonna feel this, or what's that gonna feel like, what's this gonna look like, and all this stuff, and as my camera falls. Come on, this is a good angle. Just stay in there, stay right there, do not fall. That's an order. But, yeah, you know, growing up it's like, it's scary. Death is scary. And when you've been debating on taking your own life, it's even more scary, because what if you fail, what if you botch it, you know, what if something goes wrong? What's gonna happen? How's it gonna feel? What are you gonna see? You know, are you gonna be unconscious and all this? And I've thought about so many different ways about killing myself over the years. Like, I've thought about hanging myself back in early high school, which is like typically what people do in high school, instead of shooting themselves. Like, they'll either cut themselves or they'll hang themselves. And I thought about that, but I'm like, that's not fast enough. You know, you could be alive for a good minute and a half or so, just dangling there, and your neck probably won't break, and you'll just slowly go unconscious and suffocate to death. I'm like, I do not want to go out like that. That was always my last resort, and I just, I can never bring myself to go out like that. I just, I couldn't do that. That's just gruesome. Shooting yourself is even more gruesome, but in fact, the matter is you're gonna feel everything, and that's not what I wanted. Cutting myself, that was also like a last resort thing. It just, I couldn't bring myself to do that. And also, fearing that I'd survive, you know, like it wouldn't kill me. That just, that was a no-go. Car accident was another thought, except this wouldn't be an accident, this would be on purpose. But like, after Ryan Dunn died, I'm like, yeah, maybe that's a possibility. Like, I can like floor it and drive straight into a tree at like 100 miles an hour, and that will kill me. So that was pretty much one of the ways I thought about doing it. And then I got like more creative with it. I'm like, okay, maybe I can get a gun and then shoot myself just before I'm about to hit the tree. You know, then I won't like feel anything. So that was like pretty much what was in my head, like back in like 2011 and 2012. That was just the way I pictured like doing it for a while. Then I just thought about doing it with just the gun. So I thought I'd get a handgun for my grandparents' house and shoot myself. When like, my parents were away on a vacation or something. You know, I've talked about this a million times, but that was like pretty much what I was going to do. And the more I thought about it, I'm like a handgun's not like guaranteed to kill you. So I already told you about the shotgun and everything and how I got into that. So I won't recap all that because then what would be the point, you know, these videos would get really boring. Yeah, it's just, I just kept gradually like getting more like creative with how I was going to do it. I should mention that fire was also another alternative back in 2010, which I mentioned like in a few other suicide recording videos, but it was my vision. I bounced myself a gasoline light, imagine that shoot right in the head. So those are all the methods that I could really think about besides like jumping off the top of a building. I'm like, well, how am I going to, how's that going to happen? It's like where would I go? So I was in New York back in 2009. It was during the 789 gathering actually. I think it was like a week before. That was a week after, I think, whatever, but that was going down during that span of time. And I was on top of one of the skyscrapers. I'm like, wow, I can jump right off the top of this right now and kill myself if I wanted. And in 2009, I think I was 17. That was crazy. I was going to be 17. I was 16 and a half, but the thought was there right then and there. It's like, wow, I can just jump off right now and kill myself. Didn't do it, but I included some of those photos in this death box set. I don't know if you want to see the pictures from that trip. Everything's not in there, but if I'm in the picture, I included it. But yeah, we went to New York, Manhattan back in July 2009, and saw Ground Zero where the Twin Towers stood. And saw where John Lennon got shot at the Dakota building, which at the time I couldn't appreciate what I was seeing at the time. I wasn't into music yet. And it was just like, oh, okay, John Lennon got shot here apparently. Cool. All right, next. I was like, yeah. So nowadays, I'd really appreciate that more. I'd probably be a little emotional if I went now. But yeah, it was a pretty cool trip. It spent the day in New York. And I included some of the pictures in that set for you. So I don't think I ever posted those ever. Might have, but yeah, there's a shit ton of pictures to dig through. You know, if you're ever bored, just look in the photos folder. Stuff from that, from my Texas trips, from growing up in general, some modern stuff. You know, there's all kinds of pictures in there. Some of them are screenshots from the original source, but you know, I did the best I could with what little time I had. That's the problem with some of this stuff. Like this box set, I tried to conveniently label as much as I could and separate everything and organize it. But some things I got lazy with, they'll just be pictures that have a bunch of numbers in there for the file name. And I just didn't feel like labeling every single fucking picture. There's like, I don't know, there could be 800 fucking pictures in there for all I know. And I got to give everyone a name. That's not going to happen. And I'll be doing that all day. So some of them are just a bunch of random numbers. That's just, that's the original file name of the file. There's no like conspiracy in there or anything. Those are just the numbers. Yeah, there's just, there's so much stuff. I have over 120 gigs uploaded so far. It's crazy to think about. I have a terabyte of space, so I'm putting it to good use. And I went above and beyond last night. It's going to say today, but it's taking us last night, but I started uploading all of this raw. Sorry, I fell again. I started uploading. Stay still. I'm trying to make sure my head's not cut off. Here. I'll lose my train of thought. A little bit more. Fuck you. Douche. Little bitch. That's good enough. I started uploading a bunch of stuff last night and I went above and beyond. And I uploaded all of the raw takes from the EGS videos, which I've never done for anything before. I think I've only sent like one person, like a raw recording of something, like every single take of something. And I went the extra mile with this. So for every fucking project, I want to say except for a few EGS tape videos. No, I included all of them. Yeah, I did. All right. Yeah, I uploaded every single, if you want to call it a studio session, every single session for every single video that's on the EGS channel. And the scrapped episodes like from Welcome to the Squad, Curt and Paul, those are in there. So every single take, at least 99% of them for every video is on that digital set. So you can, you know, hear the process that I go through when I record voices. The random shit I say when I'm just segueing between one line to the next and filling in time, like while I'm reading the next line and all that. You know, all the outtakes, it's all in there. It's the original file, the original source file. And there's a lot of them like Welcome to the Squad. I could not believe how many clips that had. And it shows you what I was working with over that summer in 2015 because that was that video was meant to be perfect. It took me the entire year to do and it didn't even end up getting finished properly. So you'll see there is at least like 25 voiceover clips in there. Some of them are as long as 20 minutes. Some of them are as long as like two minutes. But you'll keep seeing like, I don't know, Welcome to the Squad, Opening Voiceover, Re-Record, Opening Voiceover, Better, you know, all through the summer. Some of them are labeled by dates. And some of them you can just look at the source file say, OK, created July 3rd, 2015 or something. So you can see when I recorded these or modified them or whatnot. But there are so many voiceover takes in that box set. Blew my mind. But I got every single video that was EGS related in there. Pretty sure. I mean, if I miss like some of the outtakes, the rough like EGS tape videos that I did. So what, like they were just like straightforward, raw recordings anyway, but the essential stuff's all in there. Blew my mind how big that file is going to be. On my computer, it was a 4 gigabyte file, but I compressed it into a ZIT file and it's like 3 gigs. That was ridiculous. But you know, like the Unleash the Candy videos in there, all the audio from that, Froggy's audio. The only difference is the isolated audio for this. Like if I pitched my voice for a character, it's pitched in the track you're going to get. It's not the original. Also because I didn't save the original for everything. Like once I like change the pitch on something, I'll save it. When I know it's perfect, like Froggy especially, like, oh yeah, him and Alex. Alex was the most unpredictable one. Like sometimes like I need to pitch him higher or her rather her higher. Sometimes I need to pitch her a little bit lower. And I always had to save the original raw recording in case it wasn't perfect. Because you don't want to keep pitching it a million times because then the audio is going to get messed up and you don't want that to happen. But yeah, so everything's there. It blew my mind. That's why I'm glad I saved this stuff. Because fans of the future, they'd love to hear this stuff. It's like, if I were the Beatles, this is the anthology stuff. You know, all the behind the scenes stuff. And yeah, it's a trip. It's a lot of stuff and it'll keep you busy. If you're ever really bored to start digging through this digital set, you'll find stuff to entertain you. There's a shitload of stuff in here. It's as if you have my hard drive on your computer. That was the goal. Except for like the raw flash files and stuff. I put the vectors on there, but I don't want people to have the original. Like the raw Photoshop and the raw flash files and all that. Because you need to make the stuff yourself. You can't steal what I made. That's no fair. So that's just how it is. I just want to give all my stuff out just like that. Because if people would steal it and pass it off as their own and all that. That's not right. So, sorry. I'm keeping the flash files. So, yeah. So that's been what I've been working on lately. It's just that digital set. So much stuff I can still put in there. But pretty much 99% of the video collection is in there. Just trying to find anything I missed. So, yeah, you know, it's just a lot of stuff. And I hope people appreciate what they're seeing with this. You know, nobody does this. This is very generous of somebody to do. I can't see any YouTubers actually doing something like this. Not even like Angry Video Game Nerd. He won't even do something that massive. You know, this is huge. So, I hope you appreciate what I've done for that. Because I could have easily just like never put anything out and just killed myself and kept all the journals to myself or kept all the EGS tapes to myself for all the suicide tape recordings I did to myself. And, you know, all this stuff. I could have just kept it to myself and it never would have saw the light of day. You know? I'm like, well, that's not right. You know? So, I wanted to put this all together. I wanted to put all this out. Because if I didn't, it would just end up on a hard drive corrupting until my parents threw it out, you know? It's not worthless stuff. It's useful stuff for the future for people who like want to better understand how people are and how to prevent things from happening, you know? Or just to see what kind of unique person I was. So, that's why I'm doing this. That's also why I'm documenting all this for you. Gives you an inside look at what it's like. I mean, I might come off as like very like, very laid back about all this. If you were going to be dead in nine days, you'd think you'd be like frantic and paranoid and like just paranoid about the whole thing and not being able to shut up about it and not stopping, like, you know, you'd be worried as hell. But I'm really not. That's why I've just gotten desensitized most of it. Like I said in my journal, I'd be lying and full of shit if I said like I wasn't afraid in those final moments, but until that happens, I'm okay. But then after everything I'll do, it'll be that much easier to do it. Like, oh god, I'm going to be in fucking prison the rest of my life after this. No, thank you. So, you know, it's just everyone's different with dealing with it. They all deal with it in their own way. And the best way I find a deal with it besides just thinking about it and keeping my thoughts in my head is writing the journal and doing these suicide tapes. So, it just makes me more comfortable with it and knowing people will see this stuff. So, yeah. You just don't understand. Nobody ever will. They'll never understand how I'm feeling about all this. Like, I could say a million times, like, you know, you don't understand or, you know, I wish you could understand or I'll put it in terms for the best of your knowledge to understand or I could just like to put it in a nutshell, this is how I'm feeling like this. The fact of the matter is you'll never get it. Nobody will. Unless you remain. I don't even get it some of the times. But, I'm just... I don't know. I just can't describe that desire to go. The desire to be a woman again. The desire to just get out of this body and get out of this world. It is indescribable. I could sit here for six hours and talk about it and I still wouldn't do it justice. You have no idea. The one way I described it was this as if I had like this big knot of tension and stress and chaos and anger and frustration all wrapped and tangled up in a knot in my chest and it keeps getting bigger. That's one way of describing it and I can't release it. No matter how many times I yell, no matter how many times I vent, no matter how many times I write my journal or just talk, I can't release it. Stuck in there until I die. You have no idea how hard it is to get through a night at work anymore, especially some of the nights I'm completely by myself. Fucking co-worker sprained her foot. So the non-order nights, I've been completely alone the entire night. My goddess, does it drag. You have no idea how slow time feels there now. It's horrible. I honestly don't know how I'm still doing it. I've gotten lazy with it and I won't lie about that. I'll work nearly as hard as I used to now because it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing matters anymore, it doesn't. This is it. I do enough to get by without being a problem. So... I only have two more nights off. That's all I have left to myself, you know? That's all. Two more nights off this Thursday and next Sunday. That's it. So that's one lousy thing about it. It's like I wish I would have had like the night off before I was gonna die, but it's the way it is. I wanted to have my vacation before all this happened and it turns out I wouldn't be able to take it anyways. I would have gotten pushed back because it did. The week after I'm gonna die is when I originally had my vacation. Turns out I got bumped back to the week of the 24th. So that would have been crushing. Yeah, I wanted to take a vacation. So I had the whole week to myself to do whatever. But I'd be bored as hell. I probably would. I mean, the nights off I have, I just don't feel like doing anything. But surprisingly last night I did get this digital set stuff done. It wasn't like I was at my computer slumping over and feeling sluggish and everything. I actually did do stuff. So... I mean, granted it wasn't working on cartoons or anything, but I was working. I couldn't do that the other night off I had. I didn't want to do anything. And that sucked a lot. So... That's it. I'll be off Sunday. And I'll work Monday through that Wednesday. Then I'm gonna die. In reality it's only like a tenth of a shift. It's not even a quarter of it. 1220 is when I intend on starting to block everything up. So... It's before break even. So... My last meal will most likely be Taco Bell. What usually happens is I'll have like a granola bar or two on my way to work. And then on break I'll have granola bars and chips or crackers or whatever. But... I don't know if I'll really eat anything. But in terms of like a last meal... A meal meal that will probably be Taco Bell. And if anyone for the future wants to go to Taco Bell and get my order... The Andrew Blaze Special... I'll tell you what my order is. Every single time I go to Taco Bell I get the exact same thing. For the last... Three years or so it's never changed. I've always gotten... Or granted like one of them has changed. Like the taco flavor or whatever. But I always get the combo number 11. All of them supreme. Two of them cool ranch. One of them nacho cheese. A beef burrito supreme. And a large sierra mist. And I get the exact same thing every time. Or sometimes I'll get two nacho cheese, one cool ranch. You know I flip with it. Or I'll throw a fiery taco in there once in a while. But they know my order by heart. Just by my voice they know what my order is. And sometimes I don't even need to order it. They just fill it up. Total is 11.64. Please pull forward. You know. But yeah, I'm calling that the Andrew Blaze Special. So there you go. It fills you up. It's enough to fill the hole. It's enough to fill the hole. So... Yeah. I'm gonna go there after I wrap this recording up. It's almost 11 o'clock. It's not quite. I don't know when they start serving lunch, but I hate being the first one there to get food. It sucks sometimes. I just feel like an asshole. I hate when we open the store up and there's people there like the crack of dawn waiting to come in. I hate that shit. I try to respect that there. They have breakfast granted, but I hate being one of the first people there. I'm dying right now. Well, I literally am dying, just starving. I haven't eaten anything substantial as of late. It's really bad. I don't know if I'm losing weight or not. I really want to know. If I compared how I looked to the end of 2014, I'd never put on weight like ever. But I think I lost weight over that time. When I had the surgery from the end of 2014 through early 2015, I did lose some weight. I used to be like 137 pounds before that. Unless I didn't pay attention to it, I thought I was 137 pounds. I've been 133 lately. And I notice like when I had the last surgery, the final one, I didn't eat lunch. I ate lunch right after, I think. I didn't eat for the whole day, the following day. When I woke up, I weighed myself and I was 127 pounds. It's like, just in that day, I lost 6 pounds. 6 or 7 pounds. That blew my mind. It's like, holy shit. It's like after surgery, sometimes you just don't feel like eating anything. Like you just don't feel an appetite. That's what happened. I didn't want to eat anything. And I felt like I was a shitty. But, it also sucked because my parents went away with my brother to the Cowboys Packers Playoff Game. And I didn't want to go anyways, but it sucked because I'm like, you're fucking leaving me the whole weekend. I just had surgery done, let something go wrong. What if I get gang green or what if I get an infection and I get sick or a, you know, I wanted to kill them for that. I was pissed. And I'm glad, because it's like, I wanted to like curse their trip. And it did. I don't know if it was me that did it or not, but everything went wrong on that trip for them. And the Cowboys lost, which made it even better. So, but yeah, they had a terrible time and I was fucking happy. So, that was a that was a lousy weekend for me. Mainly because I just didn't want to do anything and I like couldn't do anything but sit around and just making food was hard. Yeah, I like lost six pounds. Nowadays, I'm borderline 134-133. That's severely underweight. And I just look at myself. I'm like, I look at my arms and I'm like, Lord, like this is not like what your average man should look like. And yet I'm strong as hell. Like I get lift things you like wouldn't think I'd be able to lift. Like I'm not strong as hell, but I could lift like heavy shit. Just pulls my mind. And I don't work out. I don't lift weights. I don't exercise at all. I just don't even exercise, period. I never do, never have. It's because I just hate I hate lifting weights. I hate people that are jacked. I just hate exercising. You could say that I'm lazy, but the fact of the matter is like, it doesn't show. It's kind of the opposite of what you'd expect when you'd be like, oh, I don't exercise. I don't work out. You wouldn't expect someone to look thin. You think they'd look fat. And I don't look fat. I look like a fucking twig, pretty much. And my clothes, they just hang off of me. I'm an extra large for like American Eagle, but like it hangs off of me, you know. I got nothing to me. And it's just the way my body has always been. I've always been thin. My brother, if you were to compare him side by side to me, which I guess you could use the family photo we took on Mother's Day, like you'd be blown away. How different his body structure is compared to mine. And yeah, my dad was skinny growing up, but not like this. I definitely have him beat. But I look at my brother, it's like, wow, that's like what I should look like. And then it goes back to me saying it's like, you know, I'm a female soul. I'm a girl. Girls don't look like that, you know. They have thinner bodies. And granted, they have to exercise too, but girls are thinner. Her arms are thinner. That's what I say, you got girly arms. Except my brother says I have alien arms. Which I'm like, well, he's into aliens, so yeah, he'll say I have alien arms. He's into that stuff. Abductions and you know, extraterrestrial like stuff. Area 51 and that stuff just never interested me really. I didn't care about aliens much. I did when I was into Invaders in, but that was it. But yeah, he's just, he's the total polar opposite of my body structure. So it's like, if you were to honestly look at me now, would you like, would you believe that I'm 24 and a half? 24 and three quarters rather? I don't think many of you would say that. You probably say I look like I'm 20 or like 19, 21, something like that. I don't think many of you would even like think that I'm 24. I mean, great, there's times like in pictures I've looked at or like old videos I've recorded where I do look older than I do. Just depending how my hair is, like the hair is usually like everything, like if I had a hair cut or I put like this product in it instead of this one or just depending how I did it, because I changed how I did my hair a lot over the years. Like I used to just, I would towel dry it then use a comb in the very beginning back in like 2010 when I had that hair cut and it looked completely out of whack, which is how people's hair looks in high school, you know. It's poofier and long and it just that's what high school hair looks like. And then once I got out of high school or close to being out, it was when I started changing it, because I kept asking Damien how he did his hair, because it looked so much better. Like how do you get it to look like that? That's what he told me, he just like, he towel dries it, I'm like how do you like not use a brush or anything like that, I just work it with my hands and everything and I tried doing that back then, it's like I couldn't do it. It just looked like a mess. So like I would towel dry it then use a brush and that's what it looked like throughout 2011. So I like that period pretty much, that was a good period of my hair. Some of, like in like early 2011, I didn't really use any hair product and I like that, like the way it naturally looked after using a comb or a brush, it looked nice and poofy and cool and thick and I love that period. Like the pre-season greetings video I did with James during school, when he was just recording without me realizing it, my hair looked great there. Or like the German video we did in high school, I like that. Or like the Yodels video or I don't know, I was trying to think out the top of my head, like that type of hair that I'm talking about. Like the shitty period was like definitely like the first whale video like it looked completely soaked. That's when I used like a comb and a brush and like didn't really towel dry it much. I hated that. Or the first alligator horse head collab my hair was so damn short and I couldn't even do it properly yet. I can't believe I'm talking about my hair for this long but I'm doing it. Big fucking whoop. Bear with me here. Um But like the worst period ever in terms of my hair definitely was 2012 in the very beginning. And that's also when I still had acne. Like I looked like a wreck in very early 2012 and it's because I was dealing with Tom Lynch's death and all that. I just, I was completely drained. I looked terrible. Like and then if my dreams were real video, there's some shots in there. It's like I don't even look like I'm like 22 at the time 20. No. I'm not even 22 yet. I was 20. I turned 21 in 2013. So I was yeah, I was 19. I didn't look 19 in that video. I looked like fucking like 26 or 25. I don't know. But I hated that hair phase. That was just a bad hair period for me. The very early 2012 videos sucked. Like it just looked totally soaked and damp. It's because it was. And the hair product kind of kept it looking like that. But yeah. Videos like that are the ones I hated. A lot of those videos have like bad focus with the camera too because I didn't have a monitor yet. But once I started getting into like 2015 my all time favorite hair period was 2014. 2014 was the best like the amnesia rate video search for remember. Those two videos my hair looked its best. That's the best it ever looked. And I wish it could look like that all the time. More so the search for remember. That was the best one. In terms of how my hair looked. Once extension rolled around I had a haircut so it was a little bit shorter. Resurrection was when it was like starting to get shitty again. I don't know. I just went through different hair products and I used to use axe all the time. That was pretty sure all those videos I had axe in my hair. 2014 even 2012 and all that. You know. Crazy Christmas maniac. Crazy Christmas maniac. I love my hair in that video too. That's pretty much that rivals search for remember. And amnesia rate hair. Hang on. I got construction in front of me here. Come on. Car coming on the left. You fuckers always slowed down. You blow. Fuck you. Yeah. Crazy Christmas maniac. That rivals the search for remember hair. That was one of my favorites. The end of 2014 is when it started to get like shitty. It got shorter all the time and it looked wetter. Especially early 2015. It did not look that great. And that's also because I didn't feel that great. But 2016 is when it got poofy again. It's when it really got long. I really grew it out in 2016. I went like 8 months without a haircut. So like that summer when I released the official EGS intro for the EGS channel my hair was long as fuck. And then I got a haircut shortly after that. But um yeah. I'm talking about my hair because I want to talk about my hair. I like my hair. Sometimes. Sometimes it's a bitch. But um yeah. Then I uh 2017 I pretty much got better at doing it again. So this doesn't look too bad. So yeah. I can't believe I just talked about my hair for like I don't know 10 minutes whatever. I'm sure all the girls out there will love hearing about all that. Yeah. There are times where my hair does look like shit and it doesn't do what I want it to do. Like it has a mind of its own. Um you know. You gotta tame the beast. But I don't know. I just I hate getting it cut those first like 3 weeks after suck. I hate getting haircuts dude. I'll never have to get one again. Fortunately. Yeah. Enough hair talk. What else can I talk about while I have you here? I don't know. I've been playing the scenario over and over in my head about the shooting. Like how it's gonna go. I'm just I almost like I'm 100% sure that Victoria's gonna die. I just it's like I know that she's gonna die. Kristen pretty sure she's gonna die. Like knowing people I could see surviving is Brian pretty much like I can't see Terry getting out. I don't know. The worst possible thing that could happen besides like someone seeing me coming is hiding. I don't have the time to look through like five different departments and their back rooms and all that to find people. That's what's gonna suck. I can move damn fast through that store. I can move pretty damn fast. But I don't have the time to look for people so that's the advantage of having Victoria and Kristen be like virtually like 15 feet away from each other. They're right there. Other than that it's gonna be a wild goose chase. I wrote in the journal I could conspire to do this for like 45 more years and it still won't go exactly how I envision it. Something can still go wrong. You can't think like that. You can't think like what if this happens or this might happen which is gonna throw a fork in that or you just gotta do it. And I've thought it over a million fucking times. You know. I still have thoughts about like oh fuck what if this happens you know. But you just gotta have confidence and faith in yourself that you're gonna do it. And I'm more confident now than I was back in April. That's for damn sure. So I'm ready. Ready to do it. I'm desensitized to most of it so I'm gonna do my damnedest to record all of it in my pocket on this iPhone so people can hear it for the future which I know for a fact they'll never release it like the cops will never release that they'll never release that ever but the police can hear it. If the families wanted to they can hear it. My parents wanted to hear it they could hear it which I doubt they really would. But I wish I could record it all and then like upload it somewhere so you can download it quick but I won't have the time to do that. These files they could be I don't know the way I see it this will be like a 10 minute thing so it shouldn't be that big. It'd be like I don't know 100 some megabytes maybe. Probably a little more than that. You know it's an HD video so it's pretty big. But there's no way I can like upload that anywhere. How can I upload that somewhere from my phone and then have the time to post it? I don't have the time. That's the worst thing. It sucks. Where can you upload that? You can't upload that to Twitter I don't think. Instagram only takes one minute of video. Facebook it probably wouldn't go through. That's a risk. Another thing is like I don't know if like if if the display went to sleep on my phone if it would stop the upload you know. So Facebook video it's like it's weird like sometimes like it'll know if you're posting like sensitive content that doesn't follow the terms of use. Like especially if you use like copyrighted music it knew when I used the bad things audio track from machine gun Kelly. So I don't know. Then again this is just black video with sound. I don't think that would really get censored you know. Denied from uploading. I could try. I'm not having a not holding my breath on that one. It's the only place I could think of to really send it besides through an email which I know for a fact nobody would fucking release it. Like I'm not posting this. So yeah it's I'd have to risk it uploading through Facebook and hope that somebody saw it and downloaded it quick. I don't know. It's posting it. I just like I put like in the in the title like download immediately it's all I can think of like I've never uploaded to YouTube on my mobile phone. That's a possibility but I have to practice with that. Also where would you put it? I wouldn't want to upload it somewhere where my channel would get banned for uploading it you know. So I wouldn't want to put it on the EGS channel. I'll figure it out but most likely it's just going to go unheard. I would kill for like I guess it's called the CCTV footage like the security surveillance camera footage. I'd kill for that to get released but that never will. Like I would want it so you could sync the audio up to it you know. That'd be perfect. That'll never happen. There is no way in hell that footage would ever get released or leaked. There's no way that anyone could do that. The last thing is I don't even know how to get to the surveillance on those computers at the store. I've been in that room before. It's right in the back about I don't know like 80 feet from her seating. There's this little like door that goes into a little room that's like it's literally like four feet in length and like ten feet wide. It's really not that big. And the computer was open the one time you know signed in and everything but I couldn't figure out how to get to the camera. It's like it's a bunch of like steps you got to go through to get to this place and I've seen the security cameras before back like in 2012 or something I posted a tweet pic on it saying like I see you but I haven't seen it since so like I've never seen surveillance footage of something that happened like if somebody stole something I've never got to see it. So I don't even know how to get to the surveillance footage on that thing. So that sucks but right on the other side of the wall and there is where the back manager's office is which is where I used to hang out there on break at times on night shift just to get away from everybody. It's a little office it's like 20 to 30 feet wide 20 to 30 feet long I should say it's more like 10 feet wide but yeah so I doubt that will ever go anywhere unless documentaries wanted to use like parts where I'm not shooting at people as like footage but that's going to be the worst part of it all like I wish that footage would get released I really do but it will never happen so I wish somebody could like hack into that somehow but you can't because it's that's why it's called that's what it stands for closed circuit television it's not broadcasting to anywhere so you can't hack into it I guess whatever if anyone wants to know more about that store it's store number 154 154 of Wise Markets so if you ever want to look it up I'm not really going to be posting much of that building on this on this digital set besides like what I show in the video itself the massacre video I wasn't going to even do that I can envision it in my head and all that but I'll never get footage in there no way but I did because I was the only one there besides the floor guy so I got those shots on one of the non-order nights and I'm like wow actually it doesn't look too bad so I'll use it so I have been in that building for seven years I think like June 2nd or June 3rd is when I got put in the system there in 2010 so a couple more days it'll be seven years it's crazy all the people that have come and gone there it's ridiculous I want to try to record somehow like just showing you the whole facility like from aisle 1 through 19 just to show you what it looks like I want to try to do that I'll try to do that this week sometime keep intending to do it and I keep forgetting I want to do it it's hard because I can't do it when I'm by myself now because that girl is going to be back this week probably tonight so no one will be able to do that unless it's I can do it when she goes to break yeah I just want to give you like a good look around so you know what it looks like because there's not going to be pictures of that place on the internet really ever I doubt there'd be crime scene photos in that place posted maybe like a couple but it would just be like the doors I shot out you know like the frozen food doors they wouldn't show the bodies or where the bodies were all that I wish I could pinpoint exactly where it'll be so I'll be like hey this is where it was you know but I showed that in the massacre video I showed aisle one I showed like where the floor was this is where I'm going to be dead this is where I'm killing myself you know so to give you a little insight on that which when you're watching it for the first time you'll have no idea but right against those vegetable cans is where I'm going to do it so I showed you the whole spot so Kristen and Victoria it's totally unpredictable where they'll be it'll either be an aisle 19 the pet aisle or anywhere from there through aisle 9 could be anywhere but I know it'll be on that half of the facility because that's where they are during that time but I really really look this Wednesday to see it like 20 after 12 where they're at because it hasn't changed much in terms of where they are on breaks so figure it shouldn't change much during that time slot as I said the beauty of that facility is because there are aisles after aisle after aisle you're completely shielded from view from people so they'll never see you coming that's what's ingenious about it all and I just couldn't believe I didn't get that idea sooner it's like back in December in that suicide tape recording I'm like well where would you go what is worth shooting up and I mentioned my college campus I'd go back to my own high school and shoot it up but it's knocked down it's demolished and I didn't even like think about the supermarket I don't know why I might have like said that but I don't know as I pass a cop hi um I don't think I even like mentioned the supermarket or if I did I'd say it would be too easy to get neutralized but didn't even like think right in front of my face also just how easy it is it's just I can't believe it in a way it almost seems it's too easy you know if it's like almost too easy like there has to be a catch but there's no catch or drawbacks to this it's just the perfect dream scenario the only obstacle is getting everything blocked without being seen that's the only hard part other than that it's like gimme it's a freebie so yeah that's what I'm saying I wonder how people will like try to prevent this from happening in the future you know that's the fact of the matter you can't prevent it you can only endure it shootings are gonna happen you can't prevent mass shootings that's inevitable but in terms of slowing them down or stopping them this might be an eye-opener for people you know maybe like live video feed would help I don't know how can you prevent a shooter you can't in terms of knowing what's about to go down the worst part though besides like people hiding on me would be like if someone does get a 911 call out they're not far which is the worst because there's only like a police station like 2 miles away and I always it's like almost every time I happen to look when I'm on break I'll see a state trooper SUV go by or I'll see like a local township police car go by it's cause it's a highway it's just the end the tail end of a highway and it goes over a bridge and you go into the city of Tunkanic and it's just a little city it's a little town but I always see cops going through there and it wouldn't take long for one to get there so but also goes back to me saying it's like I doubt they would just barge in cause they'd have to know what they're getting themselves into first you know I'm just gonna go blindly into a supermarket where someone's shooting you know you need to know what's going on you need to know how many gunmen there are you need to know where they're at and you need to know if they have like other things like explosives and stuff which I will go have propane tanks so that's the thing it's like maybe as soon as I like shoot Victorian Kristen I should shoot the propane but I kind of want to say that for the grand finale because that's going to be big and that can cause a shitload of devastation you know I don't know how big that explosion it's going to be it might just be a pussy explosion for all I know but you figure two propane tanks at least filled half way all that lighter fluid mini propane canisters on the shelf you know that's going to be a decent explosion and it could be massive for all I know which I need to really keep my distance for it and there's not much protecting me which is the worst part so I need to just give it hell and shoot it and get the hell out of that area but there's going to be a big explosion because you have all that lighter fluid and it's not just one type of lighter fluid there there's the Kingsford kind and then there's the wise brand kind you know the knockoff brand kind that you see in all these like local businesses and all that so you have that and the Kingsford kind and everything else there there's charcoal under it all this shit's going to go flying got a glass behind me that'll probably shatter you know it's going to be awesome but I just hope that God doesn't incapacitate me because that would be the worst thing that could ever happen so I got to really be careful with that got to watch my eyes watch nothing penetrates me from that because this is going to be like flying ammunition coming back at you you got to be careful I was an idiot the last time I went up shooting which might very well be the last time I ever went up I shot a slug into a tree because I wanted to see what it would do and then the tree bark ricocheted and hit me right above the eye hit me like right here and fortunately it didn't do any damage to me but it just like flipped right off me as if someone just like threw it at you but fucking scared me at first like oh great don't injure yourself now but you know if a tree ranch did that or a rather like tree bark did that I'm not sure what this is going to do so I just got to be careful even though I'm going to die I can't make it so I can't off myself you know that would be the worst like Eric Harris when he broke his nose you know he's got to be careful you don't go unconscious somehow I'm surprised he didn't like knock himself out after that I know he was dazed still so yeah it's just there's all kinds of ways I can do it there's so many different scenarios whatever happens happens we'll see I want to save that propane like for last but that's the spot I got to do it in that's the most flammable area in the whole facility that I know of I don't know anything else in there that's like really flammable that's literally like a homemade bomb at your fucking supermarket right there so I'm going to start driving to Taco Bell here and as soon as I get there I'll just wrap this up or talk to you in the parking lot for a little bit more these recordings go on for a long time and they're big files to upload I didn't compress the last one I uploaded it raw and it was a couple gigs so I'm trying to keep it to a 4 gigabyte limit because that takes like 5 hours to upload so I think MediaFire recommends not going over like 4 so yeah so yeah that's what's on my mind right now there's also a gas canister in the back room that I can get in this little safe that you just open with a key and I have the key for it and they actually just leave the key in it which is just so insanely stupid of them not that anybody would like know that that's back there but yeah I thought about getting that and shooting it too but I might just have to make do with what I have by the time I go back there open it up I don't know I also wouldn't really have the time to get it beforehand I have to cover it up somehow so no one would see it but if I wanted I could put the 2 propane tanks in there with that and the lighter fluid and then that's even bigger of an explosion you know so it's possible I was going to load that all up into a cart beforehand but rather than raise suspicion I'll just do it in the moment you know it doesn't take long you just go just you know dump it in there it's not going to blow up if you just dump it in a cart I'll just do that when it's all going down but the only thing I don't know if I'm going to be able to block is that main entrance because I'd rather just go in and just do it because if someone sees me first that's risky business the only person I can really picture seeing me is Terry because he's moving the floor buffer around but he'd be moving the floor machine the floor scrubber during this time so I don't know where he generally is during that time it's always different depending when he starts and what he has to mop up first it's unpredictable oh goody I got a cop in front of me awesome fucking cops but yeah I don't know if I'll block the main entrance or not I almost have to but I don't know hmm that's not a cop it's just someone that has a thing on their roof that looks like a police bar I hate those people so yeah enough about that for now other than that I just think that's all I just think to myself trying to prepare myself for everything and trying to make sure I have everything together this week I'll have to record the video for my parents and I'll probably still include that in the digital set as well because I know people would probably want to see that so I'll include it that won't be some conspiracy too it's like oh he just recorded a separate one and the real one he left certain details out and kept it all to himself and all that I'll upload the actual legit one so there's not going to be anything that I've recorded that you won't see in this digital set everything's going to be in it um I'm going to put the whole shebang in there it's also like this will be the last week I'll be home the last full week so I might as well just take mental notes and everything just go walk around the house and walk around the yard and just look at things and reflect you know I've been here for 24 years 24 years in this one house so all the memories I always think about that when I'm in the when I'm out in the hot tub now just looking out in the yard just like visualizing myself as like a young kid there and like seeing myself walking around the yard and playing baseball or you know playing dodgeball out there walking around with toy guns and filming my old videos there and just having fun playing kickball the tire swing and all that fun stuff I think those days are all gone you know and they're never coming back so we have a big yard too if you haven't noticed it's a big yard used to be like people used to farm there all the time back in the day that's what it was it's a suburban area with fences and everything in the woods it's cool though to know that history but yeah we have a big yard I have a front yard and a back yard with a garden and like the back half of it so it breaks it off into another portion of the yard so we have a big yard I made a video called that I made a vlog called the big yard I just walked around and filmed stuff with Bruno that's in this set as well that old video maybe I'll just record another one just to show you it so yeah it's just I want to go through places in the house and just like reflect I don't know obviously my room is my favorite room in the house it's like an office just an office of escape from the world that's what it is everything in there is what makes me happy what's amazing is how the posters completely fill the border of the room the whole perimeter of the room is full of posters and they won't be there for too much longer I know my mom will probably take them all down take all the wallpaper off and then she's gonna turn that into like a storage room and it's gonna suck that room is very unique nothing of all the stuff that's happened in there all the history of that room and I wonder what's happened in there before I was even in there because we didn't live in that house our entire lives you know I have my mom said we moved in there when she was pregnant with me so I was there my whole life pretty much they weren't so the previous owners the guy died in the hallway right before we added on to the house in that hallway where I screamed in resurrection where I was boxed in the hallway that just used to be a dead end wall my parents' room was there and my room was there so it was just a dead end wall but the owner of the house he died right in that hallway which I never knew until this year but that's comforting but I never felt like uneasy there were like bad vibes or anything like there wasn't anything ever there he was passed on, his spirit was gone he wasn't lingering around the house or anything but it wouldn't make sense and I got the times where if it felt like I was being watched maybe it's him, I don't know but yeah you know I could just make a whole video of me like touring you through the house just to show you like where everything is you know I have filmed in every single room in that house except the attic and this little storage like water closet downstairs in the living room I filmed everywhere in that house besides the attic which I think I said so every room's been on film it's crazy it's not a small house it's decent part of me wishes we would have had a third floor that would have been nice like my uncle Mike's house when they added onto it and they made a third floor and it was amazing I like third floors just because you feel so far away from everyone I think it was a thought at one point like I don't know like eight years ago like maybe we could have added another floor but I don't know I can't really picture our house having another floor people in vans are retarded I hate vans I like vans shoes, I hate van vehicles just to think like that was one of the main points of the end of absolution was doing that big montage of walking down memory lane and then showing things that have happened in those rooms you know because every single room has history to it for my videos and that's what was cool about it it starts in my room and it goes right out into the living room which is where the bulk of everything has happened and it just segues through the house so it was just one nice linear path and it worked it was beautiful some edits might have been dodgy but worked out great yeah so I'll be there in about ten minutes can I figure out what else I can talk to you about what else can I talk to you guys about I'm not mis-talking to you guys I really am that's the weirdest part of all this too I kind of just got adjusted to it I've had to talk to you guys and you haven't been able to hear any of this this entire time since December when I started doing this I stopped after December and then do this again until like March but throughout this entire time I'm talking to you as if you've been listening to me the whole time but you haven't yet you know obviously now when you're watching this you are but I'm not recording this no one's heard this yet but me so it's kind of weird but in a way I feel like you have been there with me along for the ride with all this you know I feel like you've been here just listening to me but in reality you haven't I just I can't explain like how naturally natural this feels too with all this winding down I feel it winding down I feel everything dying inside of me I feel the future eroding away and not being able to be in view anymore I feel like this is it and I've been able to come to turns with things in my life now I've been able to accept things I've been able to let things go not everything but a lot of things or like childhood things you know mementos and all that things I grew up with and being able to let them go and it's all falling into place it's like dominoes that just keep falling over and you're reaching the end of them you see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak and I accept it I accept that it feels okay and I'm not terribly upset about it I'm accepting of it all which is what I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to do like like my possessions I love my possessions and the thought of not being able to have them anymore like I thought that would like kill me but you need to accept it and let it go they're just objects deep down but they all have history too and they all have stories but you need to let them go anyways it's just crazy nine days nine more days just put yourself in my shoes if you had nine days to live what would you do like would you like visit as much family as you possibly could which I personally have not but part of me has been like yeah let me like see if I can do something with my mom today because I won't have too many chances to do that so I'm just gonna put myself in my shoes and I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna be and I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I just did that because I'm like I won't be able to do this to anymore times Could have been the last time for all I know so I made it count But honestly it's like I'd rather just be as far away as my family as I can right now And that's what's helped me go through all this is like no like I never see them really ever anyway So it makes it that much easier to deal with all this If I was on They shifted probably another story so I don't know but I'm at the point now. It's like I'm ready to let go of my family. I'm ready to let go of my parents My brother and all that you know my grandparents who I hardly ever see as it is I'm ready to let all of you go And The last people I need to let go are you guys Which is actually harder to let go than my own family believe it or not Because you've been the people I could talk to about the dark stuff and how I've been feeling and all my stress And I've been able to tell all of you about it directly or indirectly you never know for sure but You've always been there for me. Not that my family hasn't but The internet's always the way of getting away from your personal problems, that's what Pioneers Productions was It was my way of getting away from it all Isolating myself away from the world just locking myself completely away from everything It was my safe zone it was where I felt safe It's where I could just be myself and do whatever the hell I wanted without Having the weight of the world bearing down on me, you know so Letting go of all of you is gonna be really hard and I was much as I say I don't care about people I hate fucking people. I hate all these people in the world, you know, I still love my fan base That'll never change ever Even though I just know most of you is just texted on a screen, you know, I feel like I know all of you I feel a connection You're always there You guys have always been there people have come and gone, but people are always there And I've been thankful to be someone like that for other people like Nellie Simmons, I guess I've been someone who's been there, you know I've been there for her Rachel Hodge, she told me that last night's like, you know, you get it You're like one of the only people I can talk to you, you know, you understand how I feel and Vice versa like I understand how she feels. I know the world's a shitty place, you know And we just we both get it And we just want to live our life without a care in the world and not have people give us bullshit, you know And the depression side of it all and You know, we get it So, you know, that was nice of her telling me that last night I like when I change people's lives, I like when I help inspire people Or help motivate people to keep going, you know to keep living and to do what they're good at You know Part of me wants people to die, but If I can help inspire you to keep going and do what you do best then that That means the world to me it does No matter who we are on this planet for all people, you know Spiritually, yes, we're different, but on this planet for all people And we all got to deal with bullshit We all get depressed now and then some of us way more than others Like myself, it's all the time But, you know, I always tried to be there for people like when they needed me. I tried my best to be there Sometimes I went too far and wanted to get away from it all, but It's life. That's what happens So, yeah, I'm approaching Taco Bell here. So I'm gonna wrap this up And just thank you guys for watching this stuff if you do if you've had the courage to watch all this And listen to what I've had to say You know, just thank you for that So I know not everyone can get in this zone or fall down this dark hole and you know watch and listen to this stuff You know, not everyone can just do that I'll keep recording here and see if if it's the girl that knows my order. Why not? We'll never see the camera here anyway But After I order all end this so thank you guys for watching this. I always appreciate you watching no matter what I do You mean the world to me? You really do I got two people ahead of me right now. So I got some last I got some time to give in some last few thoughts here but you know Hopefully you're appreciative of me of you know documenting these final moments for you because not everyone would do that Not everybody can you know, some people when they're gonna kill themselves They just do it You know, they don't leave suicide notes or anything and they just And their life and they have nothing To show the build up for all of it, you know And when people see this will be like wow this guy had so much rage and everything and And he's like the suicide tapes you hardly ever see any of the rage. That's because It's Mostly it's all just like Inside you don't see it most of the time. I am a very angry person. Believe it or not. I am But I'm sad more than anything you know It's what depression does to you you have Anger and everything but you also have extreme sadness and that's most of what this is and Now knowing that I am going to be dead in a week. It's like I feel like excited, you know As the date draws closer I get more and more like frustrated that I'm not gone yet But at the same time I get happier and more excited So You've probably noticed that in these recordings like near the end. They've kind of gotten A little bit different. They're not quite like they were in the beginning. So Yeah Like I said, I'm a whole mixed bag of you know emotions. So That's how I am See if This is the woman that knows my order. I hope it is because then I'll just be able to show you I've got one more person in front of me here So We'll get an Andrew blaze special right on camera just for you Um I doubt you're probably not going to see on the camera as after I order I'll just end this because I don't want to record the whole process of this. It's boring nothing happens. So All I know is I'm fucking starving dude I am dying One thing about Taco Bell that never changes is they're slow as hell It's worth it, but they're slow as hell. I got I was in a Taco Bell drive-through for like 20 minutes one time Took that long And it wasn't filled front to back either It's crazy All right a couple more feet. I'm at the window The window the uh border box. Here we go Hi, good. Thanks You know it All right, thanks What did I tell you you probably couldn't even hear any of that because the the audio was so down I'm a drive-through speaker, but that was pretty funny So all right, I'm gonna end this Just thank you guys for always being there for me. I'll definitely record another video of me before I go but I'm I'm glad I was able to get myself on video like this You know, I went to the most drastic of measures even if it you know Like that's just driving and recording myself because I I didn't want to set up the camera in the house and record, you know It's a pain in the ass and plus the files are huge To upload Like the one video I uploaded with me with the Canon camera that was like four gigs humongous and it was like an hour long So these are a little more tolerable. They're still big file sizes, but I just I hope you appreciate that that I'm trying to take the time to Show myself for you, you know, instead of just being lazy and just recording audio, you know, because I very easily could have done that It's pretty much all I intended on doing but I uh I made myself do it so Because that's the thing. It's like you won't see me anymore. This will be like you won't see what I look like after this, you know It's You won't see me anymore So I want to get my final days on video so you know what I looked like, you know So, all right, I'm next in line to pay so I'm gonna end this now Thank you guys I'll see you. I won't say this too many more times, but I will see you in the next video Take care You know, you see it done so often in movies. People documenting their will on tape and saying things like, if you're watching this, I'm dead. I'm sorry. And, honestly, I've envisioned this day coming for as long as 10 years. And I never thought it would come, but here it is. So I wanted to record this for you, Mom, Jeremy, Dad, and really just anyone else in the family that would want to watch it and help maybe help you better understand why I did what I did and how you didn't see it coming and all that. Really just to talk to you one last time, because obviously now I won't be able to. So I'm recording this with my iPhone. I'm recording this with my iPhone. I tried my Canon camera, but the SD card was being a bitch. Kept stopping recording every fucking like two minutes and I got fed up with it. So unfortunately it's going to be an iPhone quality video. So sorry about that. But anyways, I can guarantee you that none of you saw this coming. None of you would ever remotely expect me to do something like this. And I guarantee you can't believe that I could do something like this. You know. So I know you could be thinking like you could have gotten help. You could have seen a psychiatrist. You could have gotten help. But the truth is that wouldn't be me. Me being on medication, sitting in therapy. No. That alters who you are. It's not me. Never would be. And I couldn't do that. And also I knew it wouldn't cure me. It wouldn't help me. So one of the big things you'll notice is I was obviously a good liar in the last few years of my life. Because growing up you know full well that I was a terrible liar. If I knew a secret and tried to lie about it or tried to lie to get myself out of a situation you pretty much always knew that I was lying. It showed. But I'd say as far back as 2013 I got better at it because I knew that my life was on the line. I didn't want to fuck up. I didn't want to get sent to therapy or a mental ward or anything like that. I made it count. If people felt concerned about me I just said you know I'm a little, you know I'm down. I can get depressed at times but you know I'm okay. You don't need to worry about me or anything like that. But I doubt any of you knew how depressed I was. And probably now if you just sit there and look back and think about it you'll probably be like I don't know how I didn't see it. Because now I do. You know I don't know for certain. But I guess I should tell you when this started. Because all throughout my life I was never big on living. I hated life. I almost always did. I hated meeting people. You know that full well. I just hated going through everyday life. I always did. And I just always wanted to get away from it all. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to go to college. I didn't want to go to work. It just, it wasn't me. It was never for me. But in this day and age you know you need a degree. You need all that to get a fucking career and all that shit. I knew full well that in a few years I'd be dead. You know there was no point. But the depression started back up. As I said I hated my life. My whole life pretty much. I hated being alive. Elementary school, middle school things were okay. I thought about death occasionally. I would picture in my head like what is the afterlife like. What do you do for eternity. I wonder how old I'll live to be or all this. The one thing that always struck me was I could never see my future. Ever. Like you know when you're growing up you have ambition and being like oh I can do this the rest of my life. I want to be this and all that which I had. But I was never able to see myself getting married. I was never able to see myself having kids. I was never able to see myself past my 20s. Ever. And it was one of those things where it's like wow I might not live very long. And it's like I knew I wasn't going to live very long. This one other girl who died Rachel Scott if you've ever heard of her name. Dad most likely knows from Columbine. She was one of the Columbine shooting victims. Which I'll talk about Columbine a little bit later on. But they made a movie I'm not ashamed. It was a cheesy movie. It was all just hyping up fucking Christianity and all that garbage. But I bought it and I watched it and I thought it was okay. Minus the Jesus shit and all that. But it was still cool to watch. She had the similar experience of being like I can never see my future. And I feel like I'm going to die young and that's just how it's meant to be and all that. That's how I felt like my whole life. And I still got through middle school and elementary school and all that. But once I got into high school it just became endurance. That's what it felt like to me. I just did not want to get up and go to that school every day. And I just I wasn't living. I feel like I never lived. And I didn't want to either. That was the other thing. And it wasn't just because I was afraid to do certain things. It was just I didn't want to live. And high school I was that typical jaded teenager. You know just don't want to be here. Don't want to do anything. I'm bored with my life. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. You know the typical teenage drama shit you deal with and growing up and all that. And I thought about suicide in high school. That's when it really started entering my mind like a lot. And I just like started to grow like attached to like darker stuff which it really took off later down the road. But in like early high school it just wasn't really there too much. But the thing that really started to push it was like when I started doing bad on all my tests and got bad grades and had to get tutored and started to prepare for college and having no idea what I wanted to do. And I just I wanted to go to grandma and pop-ups house and get one of their handguns and shoot myself or completely douse myself a gasoline and let a match and hopefully it would kill me you know. And it was in 2010 when I really legit started to think about doing it because I didn't want to go to college. I didn't want to get a job. I didn't want to live on anymore. I just didn't want to do it. And this is when the whole Ember thing started which you may or may not know what I'm talking about yet. But if you watch my cartoons I'm going to have to talk about a lot in this recording by the way because there's so much for me to cram into this thing that's like impossible. But I've told you about her before. Like if you look on the poster behind me those were inspired by Ember McLean which is a ghost from a TV show called Danny Phantom which started back in 2003-2004. You know I was in late elementary school at that time. But this ghost this woman always connected with me ever since I first saw her sorry I'm looking at the wrong camera I have my phone on top of my camera keep forgetting I got a look here. But ever since I first saw her something changed and it wasn't like I grew up or anything like that. Oh my gosh I'm attracted to girls and all this. No. It just something changed. It was like a spark and it just connected with me made me feel warm inside and it felt very familiar which was strange. It was like I'd seen her before but at the time it was a brand new show and nothing had ever been done like that before with that type of character like you never saw that character anywhere else except that show. And it's just something changed. And at the time I was like 13 when I first started watching that show and I just grew attached to her unlike anything I ever have in my life. It was like my first crush and it's a cartoon you know it's kind of crazy to think of it that way but that's the truth. And whenever I like started feeling down and depressed I thought of this character like in later high schools when she started coming back into my life. Like you know I watched Danny Phantom in middle school late middle school early high school but then I kind of drifted away from it and once 12th grade rolled around is when I started to get depressed and venture off into this darker area and this girl was just there all the time when I got into that darker place and the character's back story was she died in a house fire and she made this song called Remember and it's a song that basically sums up her death and I couldn't stop playing it. It like hypnotized me and that's the irony of it all is this ghost hypnotizes you with her music and it just it changed me. I can't even explain it. It was just it hooked me. Killed me in and she was always there when I got into this dark depressing place and I just connected with her unlike anything I ever have in my life. And that's when I started thinking about killing myself by burning myself which I knew it wasn't going to kill me. Like it just it was too risky to do and I just I just had that thought in the back of my head for years like I know I'm going to kill myself one day but when is it going to be how many more years am I going to be alive you know and I thought honestly by 2015 I'd be dead. I didn't think I'd be alive much longer than that but anyways so I got through 12th grade and then I kind of drifted away from this character like she was a distant memory at the time when I started going into college. It just she disappeared for a while and I guess the ultimate root of all this goes back to I'd say at the very earliest 2012 because that's when Tom Lynch died. Jeremy knows full well what was like during that period but I didn't know Tom Lynch well at all but I knew him he was in a class of mine and I was going to work with him at McDonald's when I applied there and I talked with him a few times you know like during our activity period at high school like during flex hour or whatever you know I talked with him a couple times and he was a great guy great kid and when I found out that he got killed in a car accident on the way to work or on the way to school rather that when mom texted me that saying that Tom got killed on his way to school I can't even explain what that felt like something just broke inside of me and I didn't even know the kid well at all yet something just fucked me up and I'll never forget it I was in my college math class it was college algebra and the class ended it was like quarter after two and I saw the text when I got to my car in the parking lot and then I just froze like something just broke I don't even know like I just blew a fuse in my head and from that point on I was just fascinated by death and that's just where it started like I was always like interested in like learning about the afterlife and what could happen and all this but that I wasn't like a dark kid at that time I was still like I was kooky I was doing my own thing with my YouTube videos and you know I just came and went to college but you know I wasn't miserable I wasn't upset I wasn't depressed I was just like oh you know I just gotta get through this year and I'm gonna take my major classes in college and everything's gonna be all hunky dory and things are gonna be fun and awesome and it'll lead to new bigger and better things and all this and then once that happened something just went in my head and I just remember that was one of like the weirdest drives home in my life it seemed like it took an eternity and I don't know it's just just because I guess it hit like so close to home like no one I'd never dealt with anyone who was you know a year younger than me dying you know and everyone deals with it in their own way but I just couldn't get it off my mind after that and I started over analyzing a living hell out of it and I had Tom Lynch on my Facebook at the time too so you know I started seeing all the stuff that got posted around the Dallas community on Facebook and I couldn't get away from it all and I just kept getting sucked into it all and I just wanted to know everything about it I wanted to know what killed him I wanted to know how fast he was going I wanted to know if he died at the scene or at the hospital I wanted to know everything was he cremated was he buried and I just one thing kept leading to another and to another and to another but I just kept that all to myself I didn't ask anybody this stuff I didn't want to go like to that extreme of asking details like that because that's not right you know but I had like you know 300 people from Dallas added on my Facebook at the time so it was all over the place you couldn't avoid it and it just fucked me up for a good while I thought about and throw up pretty much the entire year and I just kept going into this dark place and I liked it I wasn't afraid of it I liked it I enjoyed it it felt natural to me but as the year went on I sort of kind of dug myself out of the little hole that I dug you know I got back on track sure my grades plummeted at the time but I still managed to pass everything somehow but you know it's just it's what it was and it messed me up for a good while but you know the year went on and I met another kid in college Matthew Murray which he was cool it was the fall semester of 2012 and you know he was in my video production class and I got to work with him on a few projects you know he was in my group and whatnot and I kind of grew a connection with him at the time it was me and this other girl and him it was me Matt and Ashlyn Elmore and we're like this little group you know we didn't like do shit together or anything but you know we talked in class and all that it was like our little group and the semester went on and you know I got to know them a little bit more told them I did YouTube stuff and they started watching my videos which was cool and I thought they were cool and started posting some of them on their social media you know and like pictures from my videos and stuff so it was cool it was like cool I'm like I'm growing a little bit you know I'm expanding my YouTube fan base it's cool and at the end of the end of the semester I got word that he died in a car crash and I didn't know at the time it was him which was terrible it happened in December it was like a week and a half after the holiday break started and you know I showed you where it was mom I showed you's like a mile and a half from the store you know and people at the store were talking about the death of the kid that went to Tunkanic High School and I didn't even know that that was him so throughout like throughout the entire month off that I had I had no idea he was dead I didn't have it on Facebook or anything so I didn't see anything on it so what happens is the third day into the spring semester I had the instructor that I had for the studio production class for my uh my script writing class and she pulled me into the hallway before class started it was like a 9 a.m. class and it went something like this like so how you doing you you heard about Matt right I'm like no what happened just clueless like having no idea like didn't think anything really serious happened like maybe he broke a bone or something or I don't know and she's like oh uh well like really like concerned over winter break he got a car accident and all that and she talked to me for like a few minutes and I'm just like yeah I had like I had no idea and she's like yeah I was on the news and all this and uh that was that was it that was the moment that everything changed and I was never the same since literally something just short circuited in my head something completely broke something shut down and it just completely fucked me up it was from that day forward it was like I don't know I want to say like January 17th or something 2013 and from that point on that year bad shit started to happen and I was always skeptical about the number 13 I've always hated 13 I always felt it was unlucky I never liked the number 13 what happens it's the most unlucky year of my fucking life you know that happened I got word that Matt died um pop pop pop died and that was one thing but that was just kind of like it was expected to happen you know the yard caved in on the well pump in the yard and all that and flooded the basement and all that that week and a half after pop pop pop died totaled my car 10 days after I totaled my car Jeremy totaled his car and then when I had your Jeep at the time I almost wrecked that in the snow almost hit a tree and I look one thing just kept leading to another to another to another to another to another at the end of the year my mac fried my hard drive failed my graphics card fried $700 to fucking repair that one thing just one after another after another after another after another after another after another after another you know some of it was just stupid shit you know life shit that happens but it was like literally the worst year of my life and that's just when I just I I I just lost control of everything like my mind started to get completely just dark as fuck I just I can't even describe it it's just it was the worst year ever and that's when I just didn't want to be at the supermarket anymore I didn't want to work anymore and I want to get up in the morning anymore I didn't want to do anything I didn't care about anything at the time and I just I wanted to just do YouTube videos and that's what I wanted to do at the yet that was the only thing that made me happy and I just I didn't want to do anything anymore and that's when ember came back into my life it was in 2013 around late March early April that's when she came back into my life I looked up the episode again on YouTube and looked up the song again and then that was just that was it from that point forward she never left my life again ever I played the song pretty much every single day of my life and just fell down a hole of deep dark depression and despair and nothingness into an abyss of just fucking darkness I can't even explain it and every day it just got that little bit darker from that point forward until the day I died until the night I died it just got darker and I liked it that was probably the scariest part for everybody else was I liked it I liked this dark place it wasn't scary to me it felt natural to me it was it was home for me recording my audio separately it's on the microphone down here but this is just when things started to change with me in 2013 it's when I started um I guess you could say cross dressing which is something you never knew I did I was cross dressing ever since high school and what would happen would be when you guys would go to your bowling leagues and Jeremy would go with you which was every Wednesday I would either film a YouTube video you know back in early high school you know 9th 10th 11th grade I would pretty much always film a YouTube video between 9th and 10th grade on every Wednesday when you would go out the door so I would either film a video or I would cross dress and that's something I kept to myself my whole life I never told anybody about this and it's something that probably shocks you but at the same time it's like well yeah you never had a girlfriend or anything like that so I guess it's expected but um the more I wore girl clothes the more I felt like that was who I was like I felt like I was a girl and I found out that I was I was never meant to be a guy I was just a female soul trapped in a man's body my whole life and I couldn't tell you guys that because then that would lead to never ending jokes and you know you can't live your life like that it's like how do you live and I wanted to get sex change operations and everything I really honestly did but I knew it wasn't smart to do because it ruins your whole life if it's botched or if it goes wrong and not everybody looks good after a sex change operation and that's what I wanted to do but I couldn't do it and then I'm also like well yeah but then that's not me you know I was put here in this body I'm gonna have to live in this body until I die that's how it was and I just I always felt like I was a girl pretty much I was always girly you know I just did my best to hide it over the years but I am can't even explain it look at the posters on my walls it's full of pony stuff my little pony it's a girl's show yet they call the guys who watch it bronies which I was one it took me until 2014 to now it's yeah now it's 2015 2015 I got into my little pony but it's mainly intended for girls and look at that I got two pony posters on my wall you know one was from one of the movies which is it's a crossover movie where the ponies become human so that was different but anyways you don't give a shit about that but it's just every year of my life since 2013 I just felt more and more feminine can't explain it look at look at the bathroom look at where my stuff was you'll see there's a girl's Venus razor there there's the skintimate stuff that girls use to shave their legs and arms with every three days since like 2016 I've been shaving my arms and legs an entire body every three days you wonder what I'm doing in the shower for so damn long I'm shaving my entire fucking body I wasn't jerking off in there but nobody ever questioned that which I don't know why I hid it for the longest time I kept the the girl razor in my freaking desk over there and I just got tired of hiding it I'm like well they're gonna have to eventually know anyway so I just started leaving it on the counter but nobody questioned it which I couldn't believe that shocked me ever since 2016 I've pissed sitting down just one thing kept leading to another and to another and to another I mean right now look what I'm wearing you know it's it's always been right on your nose but I've kept it hidden away from you the entire time I've had girls t-shirts in my freaking dresser and my closet for like two and a half years or so leggings that's all been here it's been in my closet under my bed in the top drawer my dresser run under your nose you never saw it and I just I couldn't stop buying the stuff I didn't buy much of it but like I bought like I'd say three pairs of leggings and two bras and like three t-shirts that were girls and there's just one thing I'll say is like that white stain on the floor like that splotch you'll see on my carpet that was an ember thing I just I wanted to make my skin as white as possible to look like her I wanted it to be completely white so I bought this this body paint which was like I don't even know what it was it was like latex shit that like it becomes like glued to your skin you got to peel it off and it got on the carpet and then it got freaking in my body hair which like almost never came out at the time what little body hair I had at the time anyways but um that stuff never came off it's funny yeah you're over there sleeping and here I am at three in the morning covering myself in this latex shit and yeah that was a fail but it was just all this has been right under your nose and I kept it hidden away so um I'll just keep going through the years here while I can um as I said 2013 ember came back into my life and she was never out of it again so at the end of 2013 I really didn't see like what more I could really do with my life and I'm like in one of my youtube videos I can picture myself making youtube videos for maybe at least another year and that's it and that was me nodding at the fact that I would be killing myself in a year so I thought I'd be dead in 2015 I didn't think there was any other possible way I'd be alive and what happened was something that shocked me was 2014 was the best year of my life in terms of youtube content in terms of my mind and my thoughts and my general direction in life and at the same time it was it was just love hate because of the job shit I had to deal with finding a full-time job and all that but 2014 was my favorite year of my life and I just I didn't think I had much left to offer I thought I was done like there's nothing left in the tank this is it you know I've done everything I can for youtube and I just I don't want to do this anymore I was winding down my life in a way and I made a video in January of 2014 called amnesia rape which if you ever look up these videos you're gonna be like what the fuck was he thinking because at the same time I don't even know what I was thinking for some of these videos but I just went with it and I got this idea at work I was picking up a big heavy box off the top of a palette when I was still on you know second shift and first shift and I almost dropped it on my head I'm like that would have sucked you know and then it gave me an idea for a video and the whole video was about me having a weight set drop on my head I lost my memory and over the years I made these videos of me talking to these inanimate objects that I had lying around and you know it was just routine like I knew they could talk and all this and obviously I did the voices for them but when I got hit on the head and lost my memory I totally forgot that they could talk and all this and you know I had these inanimate objects tie me up to a chair and one of the characters was this stuffed whale character which was gay which I don't know what made me like make the character gay because I'm not gay but it just it worked and the fucking toy starts fucking my ass and having his way with me and then my memory comes back and all the while the one inanimate object which is a frog uh the frog was recording it on a camera and you know it was gonna get posted on the internet and all this shit for the video and you know my memory comes back and I'm like what the fuck's going on and you know it was just it was a totally like fucking out there video but it was dark stuff you know at that up until that point I had never really done anything like really dark and that's when the darkness started to make its way into my youtube content so I only made four videos that year which is hard to believe for me because for youtube you you don't know um Jeremy's texting me right now that's hilarious I can't say what it is because then it's gonna ruin father's day haha um yeah sorry to bring that up I just saw the text up here on the screen go away um I lost my train of thought yeah the the video started to get darker and up until that point I had not done dark stuff but I I made only four videos that year and in my youtube career I've made like 10 some videos every year like 10 to 17 videos and then once I got into like college I just wanted to start to slow down you know because I had to work more often and all that so the video started to decline but in 2014 I only made four videos and 2014 was a huge milestone and a step up because they became short film videos um sure the video I just mentioned with the amnesia rate but all that that was like a four minute video or whatnot but shortly after that was when things got longer paced and drawn out and slowed down and it was totally different and I used my skills in a way as I never thought I could and it was like I was achieving my dream of making movies in a way even though it was just me with a video camera but um um so that was the first video I did of the year the second was what ultimately like ultimately led to my demise which was a video called the search for a member and I told you about the song before the song remember um the worst part about that song was for 10 years we only had this horrifically degraded mono mix it was worse than bootleg quality the song sounded like shit it was as if somebody held like a 2004 cell phone up to a computer speaker and recorded that and that's what got uploaded onto the internet I don't think that's what happened but I you know back in 2004 this is before iTunes was the standard mainstream way of downloading and releasing music so you had songs that had lower bandwidth and all this and ultimately shitty quality and this track sounded shitty as fuck I can't even describe it there was like there was no death to it at all and like it literally sounded besides like holding the cell phone up to a speaker it sounded like it was playing in an underwater cave or something somebody described it like that but um anyways long story short um somebody found the song in the mastered high quality you know and they sent it to me and the thing was nobody knew that this was actually on the internet anywhere like we thought it was just like at Nickelodeon studios on their hard drives or something but turns out the singer who sang the song had it on her website in her portfolio section for the songs and work that she's done and all this and um somebody found it and they sent it to me and I was the first one to upload it to youtube and HD quality like that and I had an edit of that song over the years I kept like retouching and making better from the show and I made a music video out of it with the shitty track so I just threw the updated track in there and uploaded it and over the years that video got over a million eight hundred thousand views 1.8 million views in three years that's insane for a guy like me a girl like me but it's just I couldn't believe it at the same time I could but it was like holy fuck so this became a marketing tool for my future videos because I could start putting like links in there for my stuff but you know that's besides the point but anyways ember just took over my life and everything just seemed like destiny at the time it's like okay I was the first person to upload this I was like the first person to know about the song being found in HD you know things were really looking up and it just felt like fate you know I can't even explain it so I made a video called the search for a member which was a video about me about to kill myself because I couldn't find the track and all this and you know but it wasn't really overdramatized because I actually did want to start thinking about killing myself at the time but um yeah I made the video and the singer actually saw it which blew my mind um the singer's name is Robin Kermse and she's done work for Nickelodeon or like shows like fringe and stuff like that she's done vocals and stuff for that and it just blew my mind it's like this woman saw it and uh even added me on facebook afterwards so yeah it was just like it felt great like I felt like I had another purpose like a new purpose to keep living and it was nice and then the next video I made was what ended up fucking my hand up which was extinction it's when I stabbed that frog at the end of the video and lacerated my tendon you guys were at a baseball game during that and I had to hurry up and get it done before you got home because I didn't want to I didn't want you to see me covered in fake blood and stuffing from stabbing this stuffed whale and all this and just like completely psychotic and I'd highly like advise caution watching that video because it really starts showing like the psychotic side of the unit like it's really disturbing to watch um but in terms of like performance and all that it was one of the best acting performances I say acting loosely but one of my best performances on video and that was the first video that ember appeared in that I started using my own version of her in there um and then I just made a few more videos after that I'll just I'll try to keep this like short and sweet from now on I can talk about this forever but I made a few more videos and that eventually led to me going into animation and doing cartoons and it's all thanks to that character that ember character I just felt a connection to her I felt like I've known her before even though she's a cartoon spiritually I just felt connected it's like she just like grabbed me and wrote me in I can't even explain it and that's when I just got into the cartoons and this is the biggest like what if but it goes back to fate and destiny this was when uh I had the hand surgery done you know I quit the hospital job and all this and I got the hand surgery which ultimately led to me going to night shift and all this and then this happened you know it's all fate things happen for reason no matter what people say they do it's meant to happen major things need to happen in your life that was one of them the hand surgeries that was supposed to happen because had that not happened there's no way I would have gone into animation or at least not the way I did you know I had a lot of time to work on it during that period of time that's when I developed everything and you know worked my skills up with it and started making stuff out of it and that was called EGS that's when the EGS content started that's when I stopped doing videos on film and just did cartoons and I called it EGS which stood for embers go squad so this poster behind me that's EGS that poster is EGS the one that's above my bed is from the actual Danny Phantom TV show except I got rid of the background and made my own background for it and all that but that's literally what the character looks like that's literally ripped from the show and then photoshopped out and I think every single time I've gone to sleep she's hovered over me as I slept you know that was the point of that but I could talk for hours about EGS and what it all means and the long and just of it is EGS is just meant to be be who you are not give a fuck what anyone thinks about you and just live you know your existence you're a ghost you're dead you know that's the whole point you die and join that ghost squad and it was just it just happened I can't explain it is it was just fate like some people would be like what a far-fetched concept that is like how the fuck do you come up with something like that you know it's just when I was in that dark and depressing place that's what ember led me to was like I was meant to do this it's as if the almighty powers above was saying this is what you're supposed to do that's what I felt like my purpose was it wasn't to get a fucking full-time job and start a family and live a long happy life you know none of that garbage it just that wasn't who I was and then the more I started doing the cartoons and all that the more I just didn't give a fuck what anyone thought I just did whatever and those videos I made were very disturbing if you ever do watch them I made these videos called EGS tapes which is meant to be as realistic as possible which is the ghosts recording their thoughts while they're most of the time while they're still alive like recording and documenting their thoughts and feelings on cassette tape or iPhone recordings and all this and you know it's before they died and they would they would die you know you got the backstories and all this and the tapes would be what would be on the internet so like you would understand how they were feeling during this period of time and what I did was I threw all my thoughts and emotions into these scripts and every single video I did and then people loved it you know like nobody makes content like you do it's because I I was realistic with it I was authentic with it I made an EGS tape called conspiring a massacre which is me venting on the fucking tape saying like you know people need to die there's fresh souls all over this town you need to die we're gonna kill you and all this and I wrote this other one conspiring a massacre too which was a different it was a girl who recorded it for me for the character Rachel um I'm saying things like you know just going off about people that you know for Rachel's character people they went to school with it was a high school shooting which was Columbine inspired which I'll get to soon but um Rachel's character she's like me I hate everything everybody pisses me off I just want to be left alone I want to kill people and just live my life the way I want all this and I wrote stuff like you know just bitching about the high school kids like you know do you ever shut the fuck up on your social media no one gives the rats ask what you're doing every five god damn minutes of your worthless depressing slutty life all that shit stuff like oh I'm gonna show up at your house at midnight tie you to a chair incapacitate your fucking parents slit your wrists across the alley pierce your eyeballs with fucking sewing pins watch the blood drain ounce by ounce I have your toxic attention whoring veins you know I went brutally in death with the stuff and the girl recorded it for me you know I paid her to do it I this girl was an actress a youtube actress but you know did voiceover work and I paid her to do it and she ended up doing a few more projects for me after that but you know I wrote all this dark brutal morbid grim stuff into my videos and people ate it up and they loved it they didn't realize that I actually meant it all nobody knew that I started posting on all my social media how I really felt I changed my name because I didn't want anyone here to see it you know that's when the Andrew thing started in late 2015 that's when I just I changed my name because I've always hated my name my entire life I hated the name Randy I always hated that name yet I couldn't tell you that last year in 2016 I came this close to saying I wanted to legally change my name I came that close I almost did it I didn't want to have to go through the whole process of going to the social security place and getting fingerprints at the police station and all this shit and it's just like I'm probably gonna be dead in a year and a half anyway so what does it matter so the more I just sat deep in thought I felt like my name was always Andrew for some reason and I called myself Andrew Blaze because I love fire Amber was a fire character you know her hair was always on fire and it just connected with me in that way and I just thought of Andrew Blaze and it felt so familiar too it was either gonna be that or as time went on I thought like Rachel like I thought my name was always Rachel but I don't know but that's when that started and that was the lead character for EGS me and it was just my ultimate statement for my life you know I just did whatever I wanted and whatever I could for the cartoons I wasn't perfect with the cartoons there's stuff I look at that I made is like wow that looks shitty you know but I got better at it like the last video I ever made the Westboro High Massacre that video blew me away like what I was able to do so it was all made by me besides like some of the voices like all the cartoons you see on that channel were done by me I made all that and I guess I should do the inevitable deed now of talking about what made me do all this because there's so many factors that go into it I can't give you an exact motive that's always gonna be the biggest question why you know Amber was always there in this dark place like I mentioned she fueled me to do this that was like she told me to do this you know do it for the ghost squad you know we need more souls kill people it was that it was just the overall hatred and general stress of being here on this planet just my hatred for everybody in the human race wanting to kill people not wanting to deal with anybody anymore I just wanted to kill people one of the other biggest was Columbine I'm sure most of you have heard of it but I doubt most of you know fully in depth what it was the Columbine High School shooting was April 20th 1999 and last year around June was when I just got sucked into it and I've heard about it in high school or early college or whatever like just the reference of like you know school shootings like Columbine and all this and I never really looked it up until like late 2015 or early 2016 and it just hooked me it grabbed me it sucked me in and I loved it it blew my mind that two teenager high school kids could do what they did and their names were Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold Eric Harris was I think 18 and Dylan was 17 it happened on April 20th 1999 they walked into their school with trench coats on Eric had a saw-in-off shotgun and a carbine rifle Dylan had a semi-automatic pistol and a saw-in-off double barrel shotgun and they walked into their school killed 12 or 13 students and a teacher and then killed themselves and they conspired to do this for a year and mostly the biggest cause of it all was bullying or just hating the world in general when they got arrested for breaking into a van and all this but they were generally good kids and people don't see that they see them as these monsters that just killed people in their high school and wanted to blow the entire place up and kill as many people as possible but deep down they were victims and I started to realize this and I just got attracted to them not like in a sexual way or anything but I just grew fucking in love with them and they became my role models they became my inspiration and that's not good by society standards if you start showing affection and sympathy for fucking high school shooters you're gonna be fucking locked up so I had to try my damned is not to post about that on social media but if you looked I made a fucking natural selection shirt that's the shirt Eric Harris wore when he killed people Dylan had a shirt that said wrath on it but Eric Harris had a white t-shirt black text natural selection and I bought fucking three of them yet none of you knew what it meant which blew my mind I didn't want to tell you that so I kept that under wraps but blew my mind none of you knew what it was that's a warning sign they got me into guns like I always envisioned shooting myself with a pistol like when mom said she was gonna get a gun I'm like finally I can get out of here that's my ticket out of here and when she got it I'm like that gun looks fucking weak like I guess it could it could totally kill you but I wouldn't count on it to end my life it just seemed like a really like pussy gun and then once I got more into Columbine I got into shotguns so the whole reason I got that saw not not the sauna it's not a son of shotgun but you know the 12 gauge pump action shotgun was because of Columbine that's what Eric Harris used he had it was an old shotgun it was like 20 to 30 years old when he had it but it was a son-off shotgun that was like 18 inches long you know so that's what I wanted to do I wanted to buy a shotgun saw it down and all that and it would be powerful as fuck because when you saw down shotguns it makes them more powerful from close range and it could just devastate whatever's in front of it but then I saw the one I'm like well that looks exactly like what I would want to do to it so I bought that one and what you didn't know was I bought a second one about two and a half three weeks after you might be wondering why well at the time when I got the shotgun I just intended on using it to kill myself in my room here that's what I thought was gonna happen that's what I envisioned happened for years that's what I envisioned happening for years anyway and you know I started documenting everything I started a journal which is what Eric Harris and Dylan Klebow did before they killed themselves over that year or two they had a journal so I started keeping my own writing down my thoughts and just because I thought it was cool you know and it's a nice way to express yourself without using the internet nobody can track it nobody can know what's going on with you it's a nice private way of doing it it's just simple pencil and paper you know pen and paper so I started doing that and as time went on I just being I was so sucked into Columbine I'm like maybe I can do something like this I can do a shooting you know but I kept thinking I was like well what what can I shoot up the only thing I like that came to my mind was my college campus LCC but I'm like I wouldn't kill more than two people wouldn't be worth it and plus I'd be a one girl crew I'd have to do it all by myself there'd be no way I can pull that off and kill like more than two people so I kind of put the thought aside and I just envisioned killing myself in my room here and that was it and as time went on I'm like holy fuck I could shoot up my fucking supermarket you know it just it dawned on me like that I was like whoa because with night shift it's a freebie it's a gimme there's no customers there no one can stop you and it was like a dream country scenario but I didn't want to risk it with just one gun you know like something can go wrong the gun can break or jam or whatever and you're screwed you can't off yourself you know so I had it all come down believe it or not to a coin flip this is the quarter I used to decide my fucking fate you can believe that as much as you want but it's the truth I got it I got it all on video I set up the camera out in the yard the backyard and it was going to be the best out of three flips originally it was going to be like whatever the first flip was was what it was going to be but I decided to do the best of three so I ended up flipping it four times it came down to the very last coin flip believe it or not it did and the first flip was tails it was going to be heads I would do it here if it was going to be tails I would do it at the store first flip was tails second flip was heads I believe and then heads tails whatever you know it was tied so it came down to the last coin flip landed on tails so I documented that entire thing called it fate by coin flip so that's when I decided to get a second one which you never knew about bought a second shotgun so I kept it under my bed all this time and it was the exact same shotgun except shorter it was 18 and a half inches which is the bare minimum legal limit for the length of a shotgun barrel so the one that you you know you went to get with me was 20 inches that one was 18 and a half and um I gave them names the the first one I bought that you know of I called Rachel and then I called the smaller one Mackenzie after Mackenzie West not that one this one Mackenzie was another reason why I did this and you can call me crazy all you want but spiritually she's my soulmate she's my girl that's who I'm going to spend eternity with and it's who I've who I was with before I was sent here and I rediscovered her last year and then she just started talking to me in my head ever since and she was always there for me throughout my life when I didn't even realize it and I write about her in the journal I talk about her and these tapes I made before doing this and you know she's my girl she's my dream girl it's who I'm gonna be with and ultimately ultimately it's what was the final nail in the coffin of ending my life and she's everything I could ever ask for in a girl Mackenzie's my girl and as much as you might find it hard to believe in this poster I'm the one wrapping my arms around her that's me that's what I envision myself as and you can believe that as much as you want or you could just call me fucking crazy it doesn't matter to me but that's how it is you watch the video if you ever do the Westboro High Massacre video I mean I show it I do the intro like every like legit skit production I do but it's a send request track called comeback song and the very first time I heard that song it just connected with me in a way unlike anything that ever had my life when I filmed them at LCC for my my uh special projects workshop that I took instead of an internship you know and from that day forth you know I filmed the music video for them and all that and that led to some cool things but that song was what changed my entire life I animated it for EGS for every skit you'll see that intro you know they all say I'm broken they never meant anything to me can't they just leave me be to follow my own fantasy I'm lost here I'm jaded stuck in my own misery this is my comeback song it's only meant to fucking prove you wrong I am so far from being famous I know you're not the same as me and that's the way I want it to be my friends talk when I'm not around they say I'm lost and not yet found can't they see I'm just like them stranded and broken you know stuck here I'm fading can somebody please help me you know it was all there and it was like wow this is me I could just sum me up in a nutshell and you always saw me as having like no direction you know just lost and stuck people think I'm weird and messed up broken you know it just all connected with me and I used it for the theme song of my videos and who knows where that's gonna go after this happens I don't know but that was the ultimate statement for me yeah the shooting was one thing but that track is it's perfect so you'll hear Andrew blanks a voice coming out of my ghost squad character so you know it's a trip queen was one thing but this is taking that to a whole other level but that's why I couldn't show you this stuff I couldn't tell you about my cartoons I couldn't show them to you because you'd you'd monitor the living hell out of me you'd think I'd be like on the verge of ending my life you know if you saw what I did on there it's all dark disturbing stuff yeah I made a funny video or two but you look at the backstories for the characters the one ghost Harmony Ingram her name is died from slashing her wrists cutting her wrists Matilda Ramsey died by being buried alive Rachel Shadows and myself died in a school shooting massacre Mackenzie West died by being kidnapped raped butchered and murdered hacked to pieces after being stalked Alex Gebhardt died in a car accident blood from his skull was dripping into his eyes while he was still alive Celesta Reynolds heroin overdose Sydney Secor died in the school shooting it's just brutal stuff and I love it ever since I got into it I always love dark stuff and Columbine was besides Mackenzie Columbine was the last missing piece of the puzzle in my life and I just felt a connection to Eric Harris and he was pretty much the mastermind and the brains behind Columbine and I just I read his journal the police released that stuff back like in 2002 or something but I read it and I was like holy shit because like it was like someone actually like understood how I felt about the world and society like my hatred for people wanting to wipe out all the weak and worthless people in the world and all that and it just it blew my mind and I wish I could have met him I really do and for all I know I knew him before I was here spiritually when we might know each other you know I don't know for certain but he was a huge inspiration for me he inspired me to put the duct tape on the shotgun on the pistol grip that was Eric Harris I fell in love with the suicide photo from Columbine it's on google it's all over the internet look up Columbine high school suicide picture you'll see Eric Harris bowed over to the left like this and Dylan's like like this with his arm over his chest and one hand on the gun and that's in this picture behind me I drew it I drew my own version of that suicide picture I literally traced over it and made my own version of it if you look really close you will see it but unless you know exactly what it looks like you won't even notice that it's there but there's two angles of that suicide photo like one's like the angle I mentioned it's like an overhead view where he's over to the left like this and Dylan's like laying like this because the police had to roll them over to check for bombs after the massacre happened the other picture was taken like head on you could see like Eric like this and his hands kind of covering his face but like his head is like completely obliterated and you can see like the wound on Dylan's head and all this and I just I loved it and it wasn't sexual or anything I wasn't turned on by dead people or corpses or anything like that I was attracted to ghosts yeah but I fell in love with the suicide picture and that gave me a purpose it's like these people were heroes to me which might just give you the fucking shivers and creeps right now thinking about that yes these two kids were heroes to me and they killed 13 people and a teacher And They just gave me a whole new purpose to live That's when I started animating that massacre video and I'm pretty sure I told mom about it right after the surgery This year saying you know I'm gonna pitch it to animators so they can help me do it It's like gonna be like a high school shooting video. I might have said that I don't know for certain but you kind of forgot about it, fortunately But I couldn't do it all by myself It just took too damn long and I got sick of working on it So it got really a bridge to you know the vision of what I really had in mind But it's the darkest thing I've ever made and I loved it really did and It's all thanks to Eric Harrison Dill and Cleveland but They just they inspired me you just Be thankful I didn't start making pipe bombs, you know I very easily could have Just go to a hardware store and get the stuff and you can make it. It's not hard But That day during the shooting they had 99 homemade bombs that they made out of just typical stuff BBs gunpowder Duck tape propane tanks all this stuff and they made bombs out of it I very easily could have gotten into doing stuff like that, but I didn't want to risk hurting myself over it But I could have done it probably could have but Columbine was my Bible was my guidebook it was Everything I Analyzed a living hell out of it. I watched all the documentaries on it Saw what went right what went wrong, you know Obviously now people are trained to respond faster to shooting incidents but at the time it was Contain a situation. That's why so many people died During Columbine was because the SWAT didn't enter the building until like an hour after the shooting started nowadays people enter like right away But this is totally different than a school shooting, but You know It's just It was my guidebook and I loved it. I loved everything about Columbine. I Just could not get away from it Just sucked me in I Grew desensitized to gun violence. I Saw gory pictures of people with their faces blown off You know the suicide photos of Eric and Dylan and all that, you know, I just drew desensitized to it all Even when I first saw the suicide photo wasn't like oh like gross or anything like that like mom would probably like But like I just I loved it. It fascinated me If you don't know Columbine is the famous school shooting with the library shooting That's where the bulk of the shooting took place, you know shooting at the kids under the tables and all that that was Columbine which was Parity in American Horror Story in the first season the murder house Tate's character Evan Peters, he was a school shooter and he killed the kids in the library That was inspired by Columbine And the eerie thing was that was the first Horror Story episode I saw when I walked downstairs to let Bruno outside or bring him Like back in that was the episode that was on TV and I saw that I'm like whoa that's like That's Columbine or something at the time and I didn't even like really know what Columbine was but I guess at the time I knew about the library shooting and That's what episode it was which goes back to fate and all that like I said before it's weird when you think about it like that It just It sucked me in But I'm not sorry that they had to be this way I'm really not You can always say what if what if what if What could we have done, you know, how didn't we know and that stuff drives me crazy, but It was all there in front of your face, you know Welcome to reality And I Documented the entire year pretty much through video or audio recordings If you ever want to listen to them it gives you an even better understanding about everything. I just talked about I talk a lot but That's also mainly because I won't be able to clarify anything down the road with it all so I had to make it like it's specific as possible in the recordings but Like from May Not May from March through May Was when I documented like every week pretty much on audio or a video I Always wrote my journals You know, that's there too Click on always just record audio whenever I wanted people were always home So the journals were a great way to do it Especially without having an event on social media, so you can't say like oh, I want to kill people on social media. You'll get arrested so fortunately that Being my profiles were Andrew blaze from then on out. You never saw my social media stuff I didn't have terry added on anything, you know, I was in the clear from all that so nobody knew that You know, nobody knew what I was posting about So this is why I could never tell you about the videos I was doing I can never show you the cartoons I could never show you that stuff because you'd be Overwhelmed with concern, you know So I Just I couldn't risk showing you that stuff and so you'll be like wow, that's amazing Even though it's like, you know, it's brutal and dark, but that's amazing that you were able to make that, you know, maybe I don't know but I I Mean you look at this I made this I made that even though that back that's when I Was still shitty with facial stuff like the nodes is always like lower than the mouth That's whatever but you know the poster over there by my VHS tapes. I made that one, you know I made this stuff my mouse pad. I made I drew all that stuff, you know, I made that I Was an artist and it just took me until now to realize I can do that stuff I was a visual artist for videos and stuff, but I never knew I could actually like draw and that came very late in the game. I Wanted to get into guitar too, but it was too late By time I got it. I just I didn't have the time or the patience to learn it. It was Pretty much a waste of time But All the times I went up shooting at that shooting range like you having no idea that I filmed at all I filmed every time I went up there filming everything Like the time when Jason's dad was up there like he said to you mom's like he was blasting off ammunition No, I'm fired at least a hundred rounds every time I went up there a hundred shotgun rounds. That's a lot Try shooting a shotgun a hundred times You get used to it over time, but fucking a hundred shells and a shotgun good lord So the warning signs were always there They were there from the beginning Just a good liar now And I I Just I wish I could have Told you some stuff. I wish I could have opened up to you about certain things, but I just I couldn't for My own sake. I just couldn't do it I just I've always been a girl I just that's one of the biggest things I wish I could have told you from day one But I didn't realize that until I discovered ember She's what brought that out in me. I'm just I didn't just wake up one day be like oh, I'm a girl Great Embers what brought that out in me? I wanted to look like her. I wanted to dress like her. I Wanted to be her That was back in like 10th grade She was my first crush And She ultimately was my final demise and Like I said, it's gonna be quite ridiculous to think like this could be headlines, you know Man shoots up plays over cartoon or something, you know It's crazy to think about but It's the truth it's the honest to goddess truth You heard me right I said goddess I didn't say God I said goddess I Said it in front of you a few times on accident But I don't believe in God I believe in a goddess which is ember Or if not ember it's It's a goddess. That's a beautiful Feminine spirit that creates life and all this and puts you where you need to be and It's God, but it's a goddess. That's what I picture. We don't know what God looks like or anything like that But I believe in a goddess. I believe in a goddess I Very quickly started to Drift away from Christianity once I got out of high school. I just didn't buy it. I never could buy it. I Could never believe that The son of God was sent to earth and he died and gave his life for us and was resurrected from the dead I just it was a fairy tale to me. I didn't believe it for a minute. I'm like, there's no fucking way That's like well, how come no like miracles like that happened today? You know, you've seen the Bible all these fucking stories It's just I It's bullshit. I don't mean to crush anyone's faith or anything, but it's just it's bullshit It is You're believing something that was written in a book a Millennium ago You have zero proof that it exists. You just have your faith And I just I couldn't buy it. I Couldn't buy it. I'm not atheist. I just don't believe in Jesus Christ or any of that garbage It's a lot of fuck it really is So I don't know where to go from here I had to tell so many people about this like I've had to write like 10 fucking emails to people I care about saying virtually the same thing over and over again and just rewording it and And It feels like it's like the 50th time I'm saying this stuff because it is There are all the recordings I've made over the last few months and It's just I Could talk forever about it. I don't want to this is an hour and 15 minutes long already, you know So what I'd recommend is just listening or watching to those tapes I made That's I'm sure I'll leave a note somewhere saying where the stuff is because I can't just say where it is right now This is six days before I intend on doing this it's June 1st as I'm recording this so Things could obviously change but It's just One thing I honestly hope that you guys do That would make me happy if you watch this before you do it is Give these posters to fans if you do intend on just throwing them out, you know, I Don't want those to just be thrown in the garbage because they're not garbage. They're They're my life, you know, I Would hate to see this room get scrapped and gutted and everything and all the posters thrown out But that's what's gonna happen. I had to accept that but You know this room was something special You know the posters completely border the room it looks amazing in here Nobody's room looks quite like mine does if you really think about it. It's very unique and I Would want my fans to have the EGS posters, you know I mean, you'll have my phone and all that you could just post on my social media When anyone want these, you know You could charge money for them if you want but It's not much point But there's the one by my VHS tape rack there's the one behind me and then there's that one And I autograph the back of them. I autograph the back of all of them. So, you know, they're worth something Give them to the fans I emailed James about this but You could give my hard drives to him if you want Because it has all my video stuff on there and has all my embers go squad stuff it has Everything I've made since high school on there, you know, and it's not worthless stuff. It's all my stuff It was my life So you can give my hard drives to James if you want because he was the closest friend I had I mean we drifted away, but I Mean we're still friends, but I Emailed him about it saying like I would want you to have my hard drives because he would know what's on them He would know what it is. He would know what's what and all this so instead of just throwing those out And obviously you'll sell my Mac and all that but I would want James to have that stuff If he declines then fine, but Would reach out to him first James Schwimmer Because besides him there's no one else in my personal life that knew me Like on a regular basis like James did so I Try to think of what else like oh I don't know Obviously the guitar and the keyboard and all you can sell for money, which is worthless Money is worthless Can't explain that enough Can't express that enough rather Money stupid Really is I Don't know You can do with it what you want, but I wouldn't want to see it thrown in the garbage that would crush me it would I Wouldn't want to see it burned either This stuff was my life it's what made me happy it was virtually the only thing that made me happy And if you would just throw that out that would Devastate me I'd probably haunt the shit out of you for it. Don't do it I mean This is the way it has to be and I'm not sorry about it. I'm not I Think of all the stuff we did All the times we had And who would have thought that somehow some way we'd have to say goodbye But being I was on night shift for a couple years it just it made it that much easier to do it Like it just it aggravated me when I knew people were home when I got home Pissed me off So it got easier to accept that And Like I said, I documented the whole process of it all like as more time went on I got more frustrated with life and I just became more accepting of my fate, you know But I'd be lying I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid, you know, you can't be fearless of death Everyone has a little bit of a fear of it But this is just how it has to be And Looking back at it And Looking back now you might realize geez I I I Don't know how I missed it, you know But now I can see You might just start having flashbacks in your head of certain things like certain Situations where it's like wow that was one of them Or that was a warning sign right there, you know I've always felt young always I always felt like a kid. I never grew up, you know that I've always been a kid Spiritually, I feel like I'm permanently 16 to 19 years old. That's how I feel And that's what I honestly wanted to die I wish I could have died when I was like 17 but Wasn't my time yet But you know I Know this video really has to be hard on you watching this I've had vision making this for years, you know, and I can't believe it right now that I'm actually doing it It's very surreal doesn't feel real at all But it is And In all this I just I wanted to show you that hey like anybody can do this you can be like a Saint and angel your whole life never get into trouble and then just fall down on a dark hole like this and Do this I could talk like for hours about the why and the why and the why but It's all there in the journal all you got to do is read that stuff and listen to the tapes that I recorded over the last few months and Things will become a little more clear or things might become a little more confusing But that's what I was destined to do I've talked about the meaning of life in one of the tapes I Think everybody has a soul contract, you know This is what you're expected to do and this is what's gonna happen And this is how you're gonna die and all this and this is your purpose, you know and everyone has one of those You just need to rediscover it throughout your life. You might not realize it right away, but you eventually do and Some people are just meant to be You know old age and die some people are meant to live 80 years some are meant to live only 16 So I'm not even that long, you know like four years even and Some have higher agendas like myself like I think after this happens like that'll change the way people view things Like how to prevent stuff like this happening like happening again, you know, that's what I kept thinking of Because when you think about it, it it was too easy That was the beauty of it all No one could stop you how do you prevent that And the answer is you can't prevent it you can only endure it It's the truth you can't prevent mass shootings you can't no matter how hard you try and I Originally wanted to do it in September of this year, but I Just didn't want to risk waiting that long and also the fact that I couldn't wait that long I was done With life I just was done And I Also knew like the longer I put it off The more of a risk I had of getting caught with it, you know social media like Always heard like you know like the FBI or the police can like Monitor and track you on websites and all this and keep an eye on what you're posting about and what you're doing and the places You're visiting on the internet and all this and The more I did it I just felt like I couldn't risk going much longer I mean I was uploading all this stuff to to the media fire page throughout this entire endeavor and I just kept thinking like What if the police are tracking this stuff? You never know I don't think they ever did cops probably had no clue about this So The biggest beauty out of it all was I had a bit of a safety net because it was Like a show I say loosely with the EGS channel, you know I could have just played it off as just being a character or something, but the truth was it was actually real but Being that it was stemming from the show. It was a bit of a safety net for me so That bought me a lot of time It really did And It's just I'd highly recommend listening to those recordings like some of them go on for an hour and a half, but Why not what do you have to lose now listen to them? You'll learn a lot about me. You really will Like back in December of 2016 I said like I can only picture me like living another year and a half or so But that gradually started changing from two years to September of 2017 to July and then to June just kept going So I just I couldn't live anymore I was done it's couldn't live anymore Every day every night rather is just Just the thought of being alive piss me off Haven't do abide by the laws of the living and abide by fucking clocks and work and authority and having to make money and just being Tied to a fucking leash, you know, I Couldn't do it anymore I Just couldn't It's not who I am I was never at home here, I never felt at home on this planet ever And I knew someday I would have to end And it's surreal to think that in a few days it will It's Very surreal, but like I said, I've I've desensitized myself to most of it. I've become comfortable with it I've accepted it and it feels real As time has gone by like as the weeks I've rolled down Parts of me have been dying and it just feels like it's you know, it's real and I just I can't see anything beyond this year anymore. It's all black Can't see the future at all because I'm not in it You know last Thanksgiving it was When I started to really start to show it, you know, I didn't want to deal with anybody I just sat in my room and I worked on my cartoons the whole time It was the unleash the candy video and I was working on that It was meant to be out for Halloween. I couldn't get it done in time So it took me until like nearly mid-December to finish it But you know, everyone's here and all that and I didn't see Anybody on Thanksgiving last year. I just sat in my chair and my computer and animated the whole time Just completely locked myself away from everybody else because I didn't want to deal with anybody anymore. I hated everybody I still like grandma and pop-up and all that but People pissed me off. I Hate humans. I've always hated the human race and And then especially when we have large gatherings like this it pisses me off. I hate people I wanted to kill everybody And You know you wanted me to be in mom you wanted me to be in photos and all that and I said no I Just I got sick of being told what to do I've always hated being told what to do and I just had enough of it I'm like I'm gonna live my life If I don't want to be in family photos, I'm not gonna be in family photos. I don't want to participate in Thanksgiving I'm not gonna participate in Thanksgiving If I don't want to get you anything from Mother's Day, I won't get you anything from Mother's Day Last year I completely locked myself away from that too. I didn't even see you that day I fucking drove around for like two to three hours before I even came home after work And I locked myself in my room and said I was going to bed Didn't give you a hug nothing. It's a no one This year I almost didn't get you anything again I'm just fucking through few dollars in the freaking lottery like ticket machine just because I Don't want to have to go through it again because then you start getting worried about me and especially now I had to really watch what I did So I sucked it up I almost didn't even want to go out for a freaking lunch that day I'm glad I did but I almost didn't want to go It's just I didn't care anymore I was done It's just I just became this evil dark ghoul And with each passing year it just got worse Dad I honestly wish would fucking kill himself He ruined my life he ruined my fucking life Can drop fucking dead When all that high school bullshit started It was inevitable it was I didn't want to deal with him ever again Once I started having lousy grades and all that and applying for jobs and it just I fucking hated him Didn't even want to look at him And once the full-time jobs start like stuff started and starting and all that I Was done with him I had enough I'll never forget it I talked about in one of the tapes It was before I had the hospital job I guess it was like July of 2014 He wanted to go out to dinner with me, which I thought was nice You know it got me out of the house anyways, so I'm like, okay But I fucking hated driving with dad I always hated going places with them because I could never talk to him about anything Because I never connected with them once high school started Jeremy did I connected with mom But I could never talk to him about anything I Didn't connect with him at all with nothing besides football that was it So every time we would go out it's like I didn't I didn't know what to fucking talk about you had to have the radio on I couldn't talk about anything He'd try to make small talk, but I'm like this is bullshit It's just I'm your fucking kid and you don't know anything about me. You don't know how I truly feel about anything And I can't tell you that stuff And then all he fucking seemed to care about was like me getting a full-time job and making money and then Trying to move out of the fucking house and start my own life and all this shit, which I knew I know I was never gonna do And we went out to dinner the one night it was over brook And we just went into the job talk I Tried my damnedest to avoid going into that You know They just started up, you know, like have you been applying anywhere? I'm like, well, yeah, but I haven't really heard anything Like well, you better fucking have something by the end of the year You better fucking have something by like by fucking October And this is in the fucking restaurant at the bar. There's people on both sides of us hearing everything we're saying And he's fucking like almost yelling it in my fucking face Fuck off kiss my fucking ass I Didn't even want to finish my fucking dinner after that I didn't You can eat a fucking cock It's all about money, isn't it? And guess what money's fucking worthless Drop dead I don't see why I was such a big fucking deal because I was still part-time at the store I was still making money you fucking whore I was making fucking money. I wasn't just sitting around doing nothing I was virtually full-time at the fucking store as a part-time fucking worker you goddamn cunt And you make it out to be like I wasn't doing anything with my fucking life kiss my fucking ass I Never forgot it either It was burning my fucking memory for months You're a worthless cunt The prime example of people I hate in this world you think you know how it all works You know jack shit You Like I didn't fucking blow your goddamn head off Very easily could have Could have walked right into your room when you're about to fall asleep and blow your goddamn head off and then went to the fucking store Very easily could have done that but I didn't because I wanted you to fucking suffer And suffer hard You're a worthless fucking faggot And it's not just because of the job shit all through high school all through college all through post college Fuck off You can fuck off Honestly sometimes I don't know what mom saw on you You're worthless fucking faggot You Prime example someone who could be nice and happy and easy going and joking one day to fucking you better straighten out your fucking life the next I thought I could be bipolar too, but good fucking Lord I Hate my fucking profession. I want to quit Find another fucking job that's what you'd fucking tell me to do Yeah, you hated your fucking job for years. What'd you do you took it out in your fucking family? Way to go That's definitely the answer to all your problems, isn't it? Yeah Hear that that's me fucking clapping and applauding from the fucking heavens above Fuck you I Know we could have had it much worse you could always say that But it could have been so much better could have always been so much better When's the last time you ever said you were proud of me Once the last time you ever said I love you Once the last time you ever Did anything for me Never Never And honestly, I don't even fucking care Cuz after high school after college after all that job shit, I was done with you I Didn't give a fucking shit anymore I Didn't So if I got word that oh you fucking wrecked your fucking front of your fucking truck by hitting a deer I was happy about it. Oh Fucking breaks failed in your other truck cool Saw your life flash before your eyes awesome I'll tell you one thing back in elementary school middle school I Used to worry about dad dying the most out of anyone in this house Because I loved them back then and I cared about Once high school took off and college and all that and I I found it impossible to love them anymore Notice how much I ignored you ever since Notice how many times you'd asked me to go out for breakfast or whatever and I decline Notice how never even said good morning hey, what's up? Mom's a little bit in that zone too Good fucking year or so I just didn't even like acknowledge anybody when I got home from work Me and mom were like bread and butter can tell her anything could talk to her about anything No matter how bad it would have been could always talk to her about that with dad I could not Crazy thing like the craziest thing of all was me and Jeremy became closer over the years like In elementary school middle school Early high school. It's like I just I didn't want to deal with them at all. He was always a douche to me He's always a dick to me The way it was I was always the stupid dumb kid and he was always a smart one He always knew what he was doing. He was I was an idiot, you know and then once College started and all that we just became closer. We started talking more and then we understood each other in a way Although he had no idea like you had no idea like what I was like on the inside, but you know, we got it We got how the world like worse and what mom and dad expected out of all of us and all that and we knew it wasn't fair and all this and We just we started to bond more and it was nice and I like that. It's really great That was also when I started to hate your friends because they pissed me off I started hating everybody Tim fucking Kennedy I wanted to fucking gut him from his fucking throat after he has after he hit my fucking car in the freaking driveway Look under this fucking look under the steps Ray wrote TK with a smiley face. I wrote TK is a fucking faggot for hitting my car Go look right now pause this video and go look you'll see it under the fucking steps Right where like killer currents written on all that shit Go look Just hey, he's lucky. I didn't fucking do anything to him after that I was this close to fucking kicking his ass. I would have I wanted to beat the living fuck out of him And mom made it out to be like no big deal. He'll pay for it. I'll fix the car and I was He's still fucking wrecked my car If someone hit your car you wouldn't act all sympathetic like that. No accidents happen all that shit For one it was meant to happen and two it's fucking bullshit Fucking worst driver in fucking Pennsylvania right there. I'm at the top left of the driveway He's the bottom fucking right. How do you back into me like that? You're a fucking worthless faggot you goddamn cunt How do you pull that off? You're a fucking worthless fucker I swear to goddess you're goddamn worthless Good fucking Lord So I couldn't believe I had to go through the whole process of fucking going through the claims shit again like I had I had in the past with tolling my car and all that shit and Going to get estimates and all this and when it wasn't even my fucking fault I Was one of the first times I started showing the anger inside of me when I got home after all that with mom I just like I'm like fucking sick of this shit and I was yelling and slam my door shut and just wanted to fucking kill somebody I just threw the papers down on the table and I Started letting my anger show and that's what's always been inside of me throughout High school throughout college and post college and It's To I am Girl like on her fucking period I Hate everything I Started talking with a girl online who was a fan of my videos and I was able to connect with her because she was like fucking crazy like mentally crazy I think she was a risk cutter too But I wasn't you know, I never physically harm myself. I never cut my wrists or anything like that. I Hated hurting myself. I never did it But this girl her name was Rachel Hodge. She might have killed herself after this for all I know But she was virtually on the edge of like literally like ending her life She was suicidal and all this and I was able to talk with her because she was able to connect with me and understood Me and how I was feeling and all this stuff and my hatred for the world, you know, we bonded together and bonded well We knew the world was bullshit We knew our lives were full of like fucking hell and we just didn't want to be on this planet anymore And then the EGS stuff that I made Connected with her more than like anything that had in her life up to that point That was like one of the only things that was keeping her alive so I Just grew a connection with her and I started talking to her about the shotgun I got she was one of only two people I told about the shotgun and I can just talk to her about anything which was nice because there was no one I could talk to about this stuff besides my own journal So I started talking to her about all this stuff and you know, I said like oh I've had the gun in my mouth a few times, but never pulled the trigger. That's just because I was practicing but I told her that stuff and She just went into deep thoughts all the time with me every day just telling me dark stuff and I Understood it and I was desensitized to it all. It's cuz how it that's how I lived And always thinking about killing myself knowing like no one seems to give a fucking shit about me and knowing I have no future and knowing I have nowhere else to go and knowing that this is all I have You know and we got that she understood that and knowing that I felt like a soul trapped on the inside begging to get out, you know We connected well and she made her own EGS character It's not on any of the posters or anything. It's not even on the channel She just made her own they call it an OC which is an original character. That's what it's short for but her and her friend got into it and It was great because I you know I was expanding with fans and all that and she made me a whole bunch of fan art Once she made of me last night, which is her and her ghost squad form Saying like you know one message. That's all it took To feel like a connection with somebody and that was me And I was the ghost on the other side of the picture reading the message on my phone. It was beautiful It was just great knowing I touched somebody in that way You know I kept somebody alive And none of you know this stuff. I can't tell you this stuff You know And she wasn't the first girl to ever talk to me about suicide and all that I had another fangirl at the time who I blocked out of my life afterwards but she brought me down into the suicide shit and depression shit and Started saying I threatened to kill her and all this and all this shit, but Rachel was just someone I could talk to about anything so it was nice And just being that she got it It was amazing There was another girl Nelly Simmons who helped contribute to the channel by like designing some of the ghost squad characters I didn't design every single one of these from scratch Only a few of them, but I added my own touch to the designs that she submitted to me and all this but She was another girl I can talk to about stuff, but they were all they were girls they weren't guys They were mostly all girls who I would talk to the only people I would talk to in the last year on social media were girls and That's because I eventually started to realize I was sexist I was sexist I was racist I was prejudiced and I was discriminant that is one hell of a fucking lethal combination I've always hated black people I fucking hate people who aren't white Caucasian whatever Just I hate the human race And I just started hating guys more than anything I Hate guys. I think they're fucking disgusting the facial hair. They have the body hair The muscle build and all that fucking body structure shit I hate all I get everything about guys I hate and the fact that I was forced to live as one, you know That hurt a lot And also being I hated my name too It's just my life was a living hell So for a year I had Andrew on my fucking name tag for what for work Which I never had to wear the name tag cuz I'm on night shift. You don't need to wear your name tag I've had Andrew printed on it the entire time and mom asked me about I'm like what it like she's like, what is that? Is that even your name tag it was? That's when I started somewhat talking about the name but It was just I hated guys I was never attracted to guys which led to me realizing that I wasn't gay Which I guess you still probably had thoughts about that to this day It's like you know cuz I never had girlfriends or anything like that, but And I guess what it came down to was I felt like I was like transgender or something like I felt like a woman the whole time which Spiritually I'm a woman. I'm a female soul But I had to live in a man's body to do what I set out to do and that was my soul contract that was what I was meant to do and I Just I was so happy to know that I wasn't gay because you're only gay if you're attracted to guys, which I wasn't so That made me very happy because I fucking hate gay people except like An exception would be like Freddie Mercury from Queen. It was like the only exception but One of my fucking fanboys that I had you don't know what a fanboy is or a fangirl there people who are obsessed with your Creations your YouTube channels, whatever your music whatever One of my fanboys was gay and he actually came out to me. She never told anybody that really this guy Watched me ever since 2009 and then last year he finally told me through Facebook that he was gay and He just started he was very like he was a very reserved and like well respected guy But I fucking hated his guts and I blocked him so many times over the years, but he kept coming back and then I Just let it go and all this but he would still like open up to me about stuff And he fucking like seemed like a psychiatrist to me like he tried getting inside my head and all this shit and it pissed me off but Overall like in the end you started coming out to me in a way, which was like weird because no one's ever done that to me before But the guy was like, you know, you said you hated gay people and all this like I want to know why like what? You're deal with that like not like a shitty way or anything just like saying like how come like why don't you like gay people and then He's like I guess you can try to You get what I'm getting at here. I'm like you're gay aren't you and he's like yes Like he didn't want to admit it, but he did And I said oh well, you know, that's just how you are and I respect that and that's okay or something He's like oh, I'm crying like I made the guy fucking try and it was like Here's a fucking joy for him and deep down. I'm like I wish you would fucking kill yourself But the guy watched me ever since 2009 for eight years. This guy watched me. That's Ridiculous to think about So I changed his life in a way But yeah, the guy fucking came out to me over fucking Facebook It's like all this stuff that's happened to me. You have no idea about All the people's lives I've touched all the people's lives. I've changed all the people I've helped inspire All from my YouTube channel that you probably just saw is just like stupid Childish videos or just a hobby or whatever. It was my fucking life And then not being able to do that because of fucking full-time work and education and all this shit that didn't even matter to me It devastated me it crushed me That's what I wanted to do because YouTube had the partnership program where you can make a bunch of money off of it If you got decent views which wasn't reliable which I knew but that was my dream job was to make YouTube videos for a living because there's Thousands of youtubers that do that But what made me happy about it was This year YouTube made a whole bunch of changes to their monetization and stuff and people who are Advertising started backing off from YouTube and people lost a shitload of money So people aren't making really anything on YouTube now. So that was good that I didn't end up doing that but you know I made money off of YouTube. I made a few thousand dollars off of YouTube Which is crazy just turning on a video camera and making sketches But it was my life. It was all I wanted to do. It's how I was able to express myself You watch the stuff I made you'll realize that I'm venting to the world. I'm saying how I feel and that It's who I am And I wasn't able to just do that in society YouTube gave me a voice and That was my way of expressing myself and over time. I just became more comfortable with it, you know It's just I didn't care what people thought of me anymore. I would sit around the house with my legs crossed or you know, I just I Just didn't care if I started seeming like more girly and all that just it didn't bother me Just like so what it's who I am. If you don't like it fuck off. It's just what it was That's just All that was on my mind anymore were girls and girls and girls and girls I could not get girls off my mind and the whole Cartoon channel is girls dead girls It's all girls there's no guys it's all girls and In the squad like myself There are people who were guys on earth that become girls in the ghost squad, which is where I'm going But it's all girls Just There was never a girl on earth who was like that I'd love to screw her I'd love to date her I'd love to kiss her. I never had that Never went on a date, you know It's just I never had that With the cartoons I did It's like yeah, they're just flat dimensional Paper-like images. What do you see in that? I? See a whole other world Place where you can be who you truly are In a place where nobody can stop you from doing what you are from doing what you're meant to do This world is full of shit It's all a big game life's just a game and I fucking quit Tough shit There would be no possible way I could live until I was 60 something not a chance in hell Honestly, I don't know how people do it. I don't know how people get up every day and go to like a fucking dead-end job Come home do the same exact routine every fucking day every fucking weekend How do you honestly do that? I was never able to compute it in my head How do you live on this planet for decades upon decades upon decades I? Honestly don't know how you do it. I don't I Never understood that I was just born without something I guess I Don't know Just every night I just feel more and more stressed more and more bored More and more like claustrophobic by being in this world. I just I had to get out. I had to I Couldn't be here anymore couldn't stay here It's like the weight of the world was just crushing me I Felt trapped Like I couldn't be who I was and I had to be dead in order to do it That's my destiny I'm destined to be dead everyone alive is gonna die someday, but I was destined to die from the beginning I was destined to be a dead female ghost I Was sent here to do something and I mean the shooting thing it shocked me when I started to get Involved with it. I honestly didn't think I was gonna go through with it and then it just took over me It's inexplainable indescribable Like because all my life I just I was terrified of guns in a way Like I just I never thought I'd become this dark and I just became desensitized to it all and it just sucked me in And then I just like a few times I stopped myself as like wow I Can't believe I just said that wow I can't believe I just thought that I Can't believe I'm about to do this and Then I just feel like there's like a hand on the back of me just like pushing me forward to keep doing it It's like there's EGS Recruits telling me to do it in my head do it do it It's not schizophrenia or anything like that That's like there's spirits telling me in my head do it If someone's pissing me off do this do that You know alright, okay, don't worry about it. Fuck them, you know It's like there were spirits telling me this stuff how to act where to go How to respond, you know It's just This is the end of the fuck up. It's pissing me off. Stay fucked still. Fucking potholes, dude. I fucking hate potholes! I can't fucking explain that enough. Express it enough? I can't even fucking talk anymore! Fuck! A million fucking potholes on my fucking road. And look! Big truck coming next to me! What am I gonna go over? Pothole! Fuck you! Goddess. Better fucking go straight and fucking ride your ass the whole way there. Speed the fuck up. Oh goody. Road work again. Awesome. I just wanna go for a nice pleasant drive and I can't even do that. Where to? Oh, okay. Apparently there's no road work. Well thanks for that fucking false flag. Today is the second of June. Friday June, Friday June 2nd I think. I was working on the massacre video for like, I don't know, four hours and I just didn't want to touch it anymore. So I decided to go driving because that's what I do. I'm starting to get frustrated now which is great. It's like a light switch, it just happens. One thing I could talk about is I noticed that I've lost weight which is bad. Because when you look at my body structure, I have nothing to me. See my clothes hang off of me. I'm fucking, I'm normally 134 pounds. The other morning when I got home from work, I weighed myself. It's 127. 127 pounds. That's it. So I lost seven pounds over the last few weeks. Maybe over the entire month for all I know, I couldn't tell you. I just, I don't even want to eat anything anymore which is terrible. Nothing makes my mouth water anymore. Like nothing makes me crave something or the fuck off of the road. Get the fuck off of the road you fucking cunt. Yeah, go fucking die. So sad. I don't crave any food anymore which is really bad because I don't want to eat. You know, I feel like hungry every fucking couple of hours now. Even after I eat something that's like somewhat substantial, I just don't want to eat anymore. I eat at home like once a week. That's it. One meal at home a week. And that's usually just like fucking like something you fucking freeze and heat up. I can't eat raviolis anymore, shepo-er-dee. Can't eat frozen pizzas anymore. I don't really like eating progies anymore. I never eat lunch meat or subs or hoagies or anything of that shit unless it's a cheese steak. Even that makes me feel like shit afterwards. I don't even eat fucking lunch at work anymore really. You know what I eat? I fucking eat like granola bars and chips all day and night. That's it. I wonder why I'm wondering why I lost weight. I don't want to eat anymore. I'm tired of food. I'm just, I'm tired of everything. I don't really like eating mac and cheese anymore. I don't like eating spaghetti or pasta anymore. It just makes me think of gross shit. I don't like eating anything anymore. I happen to wait until 11 o'clock every morning to go out and get something. Fucking sucks. Open the night shift where you have no fucking dinner anymore. I've had every fucking TV dinner you can name at that fucking supermarket over the last two years at that fucking store. Can't eat TV dinners anymore. Can't eat hot pockets anymore. You can't even eat like fucking Campbell's Chunky Super any of that shit anymore. Unless it's regular old fashioned Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup. I'm at the end of the line. My body's shutting down. It doesn't want me to eat anymore. It doesn't want me to even go to sleep anymore. It doesn't want me to get up anymore. It doesn't even want me to fucking move anymore. Just the simplest things like on my non-order nights at the store when I just have to pull the store, level the products down, just pull everything forward on the shelf. That fucking exhausts me. I've had nights where I had to do that the entire night. So it's just me. I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm ready to die. I'm ready to fucking go. Recorded part of the fucking video from my parents and family yesterday. Of course my fucking mom got home before I could even fucking get to the fucking end of everything. It's a two hour long video but who fucking cares. I wasn't done saying what I was gonna say and I get cut short. Oh you gotta help me take ginger to the vet this morning because I gotta go to work. Well when you say go to work I expect you mean the whole fucking day. Not like for like five fucking hours and that's it. The fuck. I can't even just sit and record a fucking video at home anymore. That could have been the last time I was sitting there recording a video for all I fucking know. What made things even better was I couldn't even use my fucking Canon camera for it. Every fucking ten seconds. Stop tathin'. The video was stopped recording automatically. Fucking SD cards. Some shit. I don't know. Did that for my shooting videos too. Well there's no point in fucking getting new SD cards now because they're not gonna go to any use in a couple weeks. Fuck is up with all this goddamn road work today. Where the fuck up? I fucking hate people in trucks dude. So goddamn slow. Vans and trucks. Slow as motherfucking vehicles on the fucking plan. The vehicles aren't slow. The fucking drivers are slow. This guy's going 30. Speed the fuck up. He goes the way I'm going. I'm fucking taking the other way. There's a fork in the road coming up. Better fucking turn. I was talking about the fucking camera stopping recording on me. So I had to use my iPhone. I looked alright. It didn't look like shitty footage or anything. Yeah so that could have been the last time I was sitting there with my camera for all I know. Sucks. How many fucking videos I had to get cut short because someone fucking got home? Fucking hate everybody. Fucking six more nights it'll all be over. Friday night Saturday Sunday Monday Tuesday six more nights. I don't have to deal with this shitty finger anymore either. Tell me how many of you could actually have dealt with this finger for almost three years? How many of you could have dealt with that? You can't flatten your hand at all. You can't raise your finger perfectly straight up anymore. It's stuck like this. How many of you could have dealt with that and got through life? Three surgeries. Permanently stuck like that. Fucking murder my hand therapist. I've done the third one. She just wasn't even helping it anymore at all. Got worse. So yeah for those who are wondering if you see like these fucking scars in my arm it's not that I was a risk cutter. I can clear that fucking theory out of the way right now. I have them on this arm too but you can't see them because they were different. Ways of putting stitches in them but yeah I was never a risk cutter. Those were just from the stitches from the tendons they took out of my arms. First surgery they took the tendon out of this arm. Second one they went and cleaned out the scar tissue in the finger. Third one they took them out of this arm because I had two extra. I didn't have two extra but you know in each arm I had an extra tendon. So they had to take it out of my left arm. So that's what those are. I've never cut my wrist ever. Honestly I can't ever picture me getting to that point ever no matter how depressed I was. Which makes no sense why people do that. I never understood it. It was to let the pain out. That makes total fucking sense doesn't it. Makes no sense at all. Physically it's not that I'm a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I don't have any problems at all. Physically harm yourself because you're that depressed. What the fuck would you do that to yourself? What can I use Sammy? Fucking cunt. I had to hide the scars on my wrist from everyone and I think someone saw. Good fucking job. You're a worthless cunt. I don't care who you are, if you cut your wrist you're a fucking loser. Worthless. What would make you want to just cut your wrist open? I would never get to that point in my life. Ever. The only time I ever purposely cut myself was to see if I could. I took a butter knife out of the fucking drawer and I wanted to see if it could cut your skin open. That was back in like 11th grade. And it can. It worked. I cut my finger open with it somehow. But yeah. That was the only time I ever purposely cut myself. And I know I have the harmony and grum character who is a wrist cutter and all that, but it's dark stuff. I like dark stuff. If you're a fucking wrist cutter you're fucking worthless. I never understood. Get the fuck over it. What could be so bad in your life that you have to resort to cutting your wrist? Tell me right now. How could your life be so bad that you gotta cut yourself? Tell me. I'm listening. I'm all ears. There's no fucking reason you should have to do that to yourself. Yeah, my body doesn't matter. People hate me. My family hates me. I have nowhere to go. I have no future. All gonna fucking reality. I'm gonna cut myself. I cut myself and it hurt and I cried. Why'd you fucking do it? We're fucking retarded. Seriously. I don't know why anyone would find the need to fucking cut themselves. One time I would do it is if I knew I was gonna die right after. Even so, I still probably wouldn't do that. Also, it was like the only way I could fucking commit suicide, fine. If I was out in the fucking wilderness and had like no way of getting out of the fucking woods or something and had an army knife on me like a switchblade and had to cut my wrist to kill myself, then I'd do it. There's no fucking purpose for it. Anything, just let your fucking throat. Then you'll feel something. Where the fuck is he? He's swearing. He pisses me off when people try to make me feel sympathy for them for cutting their own wrists. Boo fucking who? Completely desensitized to that shit now. Careless. I'd rather have someone fucking come out to me than hear about them cutting my own fucking wrists. What's happened? Some fucker who watched me for like nine years on my YouTube channel. Fucking came out to me over Facebook. Probably right now, I didn't give a fucking shit about you. He asked me why I hated gay people and why I thought like it was wrong to be gay and all this shit and I just, overall I just fucking hate gay people. I always have. It's not because I don't understand them, I just hate gay people. I hate everybody, especially gay people, homosexuals, queeries, you name it, I hate them all. This guy was one of them. He asked me why, I didn't really give him a solid answer but it was like I guess you know what I'm getting at here. I was like, I'm gay aren't you? He was like, yes. And I lied, I bullshitted it and I just said like, oh you know that's just how you are and I respect that and you know it's okay or whatever. I mean I fucking tried tears of fucking joy for saying that shit and then he fucking just didn't shut up about it. I'll have his fucking turn on and like how he realized he was gay and all this shit. It's like I didn't fucking give a shit. I didn't give a fucking shit about it. And for like an hour he fucking talked my ear off through Facebook messages with him. This was like the guy that I skyped with for years. I stopped skyping with him because he's a worthless fucking cocksucker. I only skyped with him to fucking gloat and raise my fucking ego. I treated it like a fucking interview. My videos weren't big enough yet so I'm like okay I can pretend these are like fucking interviews. You know all I ever fucking talked about was myself you asshole. I didn't give a shit about you. I still don't give a shit about you. So I used you. That's what I do. I use people. I use Wubcake. I use Damien. I used you. I use Sammy. I use Haley. I even use James. I use people. I manipulate people. It's what I do. By 2015 I was just done with everybody. I care less. Unless they liked me I didn't give a shit about them. Even if people do like me I don't care about them. Most people. I've only talked with like two people. And the entire last year I've only talked with maybe two people on social media. That's it. Nelly and Rachel. Those are the only two people. And you notice something? They're all girls. Some sexist. You can add Mallory in there too. But that's just because I had to use her for videos. But I didn't mind talking with her. I thought she was cool. So it was nothing against her. She's okay. Laura was cool too but she fucking pissed me off by taking Furman to get me my fucking voiceovers. Still don't have it. I've never seen her. I've never seen her. I've never seen her. I've never seen her. I've never seen her. I've never seen her. I've never seen her. I've never seen her. I've never seen her. I've never seen her. Still don't have it. I fucking sent the script in March. It's June 2nd. Where's my voiceovers, Laura? That I paid for. Where are they? I don't care what bullshit you're going through now. I paid you to do a job. You haven't done it yet. Fucking sent me takes the other fucking week and you only did like lines like two times. What's up with that shit? The time before that you gave me like fucking eight takes to work with. You fucking did two or three this time? That's it? The fuck happened? Waiting to get the inevitable like email now saying, oh, I'm just, I'm not, I don't want to work on this anymore or something like that shit. Feels like it's inevitable. Better fucking have that voiceover by Monday, Laura. You're fucking dead. Done with relying on people. And I thought I could still rely on you. Apparently not. Point Baron, I scrapped his part in the video. What was it, two weeks ago since I sent that script to him saying like what I wanted him to do? Didn't do anything for it. Whatever. And I feel like animating it now anyway. Fucking Damien screwed me with it too. He took like a fucking month to do it. Fucking your lies be so goddamn busy that you can't take the time to record fucking like eight minutes worth of voiceover for me. Okay, how fucking busy you say you are. I fucking hate relying on people. Fuck. Okay, I don't know you personally. I might have just showed up at your house and shot you before I went to the fucking supermarket. I could have. Makes you feel like you don't even fucking matter. Remember that shit when you work with people in the future. As much as I love and respect Damien and Laura and everyone else who's given me voices over the years. Remember that shit. Hisses me off. This is for a portion that's not even animated. It's the fucking build up tension section before the fucking music video starts. Where all the stuff's multi-tracked and everything. There's no animation in that part. And that's the only part I'm missing for audio. And I don't have it yet. The video's gotta be done by Tuesday. So I need to upload it to fucking media fire. And I have to upload it to YouTube. I have to upload it twice. I need the fucking voiceover. And Sunday night's my last night off from work. If I don't have that by fucking Monday morning, you're fucking dead. Oh, you're fucking dead. I'm fucking dead. So I'll just turn around and go back the way I came. Supermarket's not even a mile away from where I am right now. I swear dude, I... Can't get something as simple as a fucking voiceover anymore. I don't even know how much money I fucking paid for to do this. I don't even remember. How do I do a bit like 80 to 100 fucking dollars? I don't know. I was expected to have this fucking months ago. Good fucking lord. It's been an entire week since she said like she said something like, oh, I'll try to get everything else. Alright, I'm gonna record tonight and have that sent to you. And then I'll try to have everything else done by tomorrow evening because I'm off that night. An entire week's gone by. I haven't heard Jack shit from her. Hasn't posted on Twitter. Nothing. She doesn't tweet in general anyway, but still. Haven't fucking heard anything. What the fuck? At least say what's going on so I know it makes you feel like you don't fucking matter. I've had it. Long had it. Fucking Raira Raira. What a fucking name is voice Celesta for like the first EGS episode last year. I sent her a fucking script to record for the massacre video for like the fucking students and shit. Never recorded it. I didn't even email her back after that saying like, hey, did you get the lines? I fucking was done with her. I gave up. I didn't even bother fucking emailing her back. Fucking wasted my time. What the fuck ever? People are worthless stacks of shit. That's gonna show in the fucking video too. The video is not gonna be fucking perfect either. Because you ruined my fucking motivation. Not just you. A lot of things did. Still. That factored into it. Just don't give a shit anymore. Things are better within perfections anyway, but this... the animation's not fully finished and everything. The song's just gonna have to cut off after the end of the first fucking verse. I was gonna do like the animatic for the rest of the video to show what it was gonna be, but I don't even feel like taking the time of day to do it anymore. Whatever. I'll upload the storyboard to the media fire page, but I'm not even gonna bother doing the animatic for it. What the fuck's the point? No one's ever gonna fucking work on it after this anyways. I know nobody will. No one's gonna try to reanimate it and make it better and top notch and everything. What the fuck would take the time to do that? Nobody. So why should I even bother fucking trying? This video's gonna be like fucking 25 minutes long, because most of it's just gonna be a fucking ending portion. I don't know how many people watch it from beginning to end. I guarantee you, not even fucking 10%. I totally know that I'm fucking dead. Been no fucking care. Nobody fucking cares until you're dead. It's the fucking sad truth of life. Watch. Watch. All my social medias. I can't believe he's dead. I'm so sad. I loved his videos, all this shit. You haven't seen Jack shit on my social media since. Posted on my Facebook, the Pioneer's Productions Facebook, that has like 150 fucking likes on it. What's something you always wanted to know about me? The only fucking comment I got was what my fucking dick size was. And after this happens people be like, man, I wish I would have talked to them more. Well, too fucking late. It's always what fucking happened with my fan base. As much as I love my fans, no one said Jack shit to me until I said something big. Like, oh, I'm leaving. Oh, I'm gonna stop doing this or I don't know what the fuck to do. Or like, whenever something major happened, then people would talk to me. If nothing major was happening, it was like I didn't even fucking exist. What the fuck ever. I swear to God it's... People can say they care about me all they fucking want. You didn't show it. But I would subscribe to you for you. Who cares? You never said anything? I never saw comments on old videos saying, oh, I miss this or I miss these days or I still love this video. I didn't see Jack shit over the years. A couple here and there but virtually nothing. And I know I fucking disappeared from like the internet pretty much but still. People say they care and I fucking care. It's too fucking late now. That massacre video can get a million views for all I care. They want the fucking shittiest videos to ever crack a million views on YouTube. Who? You want a medal? No. Anything I fucking hope it taints and requests fan base from here on out. Every time they play anymore they hear like fucking gunshot sounds. In my opinion the song sounds so much better with the fucking gunshots in there. It's unreal how much fucking auto-tune Andrew needs to sound decent on a studio track. I wish I could sing like that. I'd say have you heard the isolated tracks now you can for a couple songs. We'll hear how much fucking auto-tune is on it. And no it's not pitch correction it's fucking auto-tune. The My Last Confession vocal tracks have so much fucking auto-tune on it. It's not even funny. Comeback song, plenty of auto-tune in there too. Some people need auto-tune to sound... They make you shitty. You have no talent. I can't even fucking describe how much I hate people who use auto-tune. Get the fuck off the road. Fucking... Fuck. Fuck. Get the fuck off the road. Fucking person on a fucking bicycle. Get the fuck off the road. You notice something every time you're on a back road and there's someone on a fucking bike. It's always on a hill, it's on a turn. It's where you can't see oncoming traffic coming at you. Fuck. Talk about the music industry for like a fucking hour and how fake it all is. Music is the biggest fucking illusion on the fucking planet. Oh well it's a production and you know film is like fake too when you think about all this shit. But music is a fucking trick. You know how many fucking instruments are fucking fake? Pop music, all that shit's fake. All the auto-tune and pop music. It's all one big illusion. You notice live music sounds like total shit. And nowadays how everyone uses pre-recorded backing tracks and fucking backing vocals and shit live all pre-recorded. That's not live. Live music is you, your guitars, your drum kit, your microphones, your amps. That's live music. Not fucking synthesizers with backing tracks and everything pre-recorded with a flip of a fucking switch. It's all fake. It's all fake. It's all fake. Granted there's probably still a few bands out there that don't go overkill with auto-tune and shit. I can't name them because I don't know much about other fucking like bands that are close to being mainstream. But center quest, they're a local band. They're not that big at all, but they use a shitload of auto-tune on their vocals. And you almost can't even hear it unless it's isolated. Like I didn't even think they used auto-tune much. And when I got the stem tracks I was like, holy fucking hell you can't sing at all. That typical auto-tune. Like when it sounds like you're singing with your tongue out of your mouth. That typical pop auto-tune sound. Drives me fucking crazy. And I love pop music. I love pop music, but it kills me knowing that it's all fucking like fake. Britney Spears songs, a few Kesha songs. Avril Lavigne. You know, it sucks knowing that it's like fake. Granted Avril doesn't use a shitload of auto-tune, but... I don't know. Music's just one big fucking illusion. It's entertainment. All these people are like fucking talentless. Virtually every pop star singer can't sing. How many fucking concerts you go to now? Like they could fucking have fucking auto-tune on the live fucking track now. When they're singing they could auto-tune it live. Paying all this money to see people and they're not even singing properly. Whatever. I hate the music industry. I hate it. Also because of the fact I'm jealous of it. I didn't feel like taking the time of day to sit and learn the guitar on this planet. It would have taken too damn long. Just knowing that the music industry is just a big crock of shit. Every modern pop song. It all sounds the same. Firstly, all the biggest fucking mainstream pop hits are like they sound the exact same. You can get auto-tuned a million miles away on those things too. No talent. You make all this shit. You make all this money. I hate the music industry. I hate it. Back in like late high school and through college I loved getting into music and all that. Then I just started to realize how fucking thick it all is. It's one big illusion. Guarantee you, virtually like 90% of all your favorite songs live sound like shit. Shit. This technology has gotten so fucking far that studio songs now are so fucking full and think of fucking sound. You can't even reproduce it live properly anymore. Music videos don't even do like fucking songs justice anymore because like the songs are so overproduced. You can't replicate that on video anymore. Even something as subtle as like the fucking over and out music video I did. You can't duplicate that on video. Without it looking like so overly produced and fake. It's like the 80s and early 90s sound. 90s it started to get more advanced and all that but it was still tolerable for me. And after like 2004 is when everything just got heavy and thick and too much fucking sound. Too full. It's all over produced. And I guarantee you like 90% of these bands don't even know jack shit about mixing or engineering and all that shit. Like fucking Robin Kerms they shouldn't know like jack shit about making like mixing fucking music. And granted I guess I'm gifted being able to do a little bit of everything in terms of video production. Sounds like saying all people who fucking film movies don't know how to edit. That's literally what it's like saying. Music's just an entirely different ball game. Kisses me off honestly trying to like when I made my own soundtracks for the Prologue series like for Resurrection, AppSolution and all that. Welcome to the squad. Mixing audio is a pain in the fucking ass. You can't just adjust volume levels and mix it all together. It doesn't work like that. So that was one thing that I did struggle with. I always sound better with headphones anyway and then you play through your computer speakers. It's like holy shit the bass is like in front of everything else. But on your headphones it sounds fine. Pain in the ass. So I stopped recording my own soundtracks so I got sick of dealing with that shit. I got sick of doing everything. It just pisses me off when people say all these bands are so fucking good. Pull it all apart. They all suck. It's all one big illusion. I select the vocal tracks for your favorite bands. You'll hear the fucking dies he edits. You'll hear the fucking auto tune all in there and all that shit. I don't know how fake it all is. Modern mainstream bands anyway. There was no auto tune back in the 80s. That's what I miss. The imperfections. A stumbled note or two that you wouldn't even notice unless you knew it was there. Back when pretty much making a studio album was doing it live in the studio. You still break stuff into different pieces and everything to record things separately. But it was live. Now it's like all the bands they're not even in the same fucking room when they record. They're not even in the same fucking room when they record. You just be like alright let's just record the guitar today and tomorrow we'll do the drums. And this band member's not even gonna be here but let's just do this. I hate music anymore. It just pisses me off when people think people are so damn good. That's like saying watch this it's really funny. It's not funny. This band's really good. Now they fucking suck. It's always how it is on the internet. Who cares? Enough of that shit. I don't even want to talk about it anymore because it fucking pisses me off. The last thing I'll say is like the biggest question is when you see people performing live. Are they lip syncing? Is it live? Fuck off. Super Bowl Halftime Show. Are they lip syncing? Do you think they brought it? You know. You never know anymore. It's all fake. I fucking hate the fact that they don't even see anything wrong with it. Everyone's doing it. Doesn't mean you have to fucking have to. Music, singing used to be you had the talent to do it. You were unique. Now anyone could fucking sing with auto-tune. Fucking, at least the candy video. I didn't edit that at all. All I did was pitch it. I didn't put auto-tune on it. Also I don't have the fucking like patience to sit and download all this shit to get auto-tuned and pay like for like a $300 fucking program to get auto-tuned and all that shit. It was just simple double tracking. That's all. No auto-tune. No pitch correction. All I did was just pitch it to the other person. No pitch correction. All I did was just pitch it by 15% then pitch it again by 15%. That was it. That's not even pitch correcting. I hate the music industry. I can't even appreciate what I hear anymore when something's brand new like even if it's like the Equestria Girls soundtrack. It's like, oh well I know there's gonna be auto-tune in there and all this shit and I know how fake it's gonna be and it's just... I hate it all. I hate the music industry. Now bands can take like a fucking year to come out with something new. It's then request. Last year all they put out was one song. We're gonna put all this time into one song and push it and hope for the best. Because when you have lots of songs they're not gonna listen to it. It's the biggest crock of shit I ever heard. You need variety. Don't just make one fucking song. That's like what I did with the fucking EGS subs. I'm just gonna put all this time into one video which is what I did. And you don't get anything else done. That's way different than music. You could produce a shitload of music by the time it takes you to produce one fucking video. But that was the dumbest thing I ever heard from Andrew Blank when I fucking did the hard drive exchange. It's on this fucking media fire page if you wanna listen to it. You know. You have no value. If you have a bunch of songs on an album they're not gonna wanna listen to it. But if they can associate it with that one song then they'll branch out and listen to what else you have. You still need fucking variety to begin with. It's like what do they have? They had like fucking like eight songs? That was it! In the fucking like two years they were around eight songs? And then you just push one? It's gonna be a year and fucking tomorrow I think since any more was released. And what did they do? Last fucking like September they went back to the studio to record more music. I thought it would have been out by now. No, they're still like writing more and like recording more. It's like how the fuck? How could it take you that long? I guess money's another issue but still like bands pissed me the fuck off with that shit. Green Day! Revolution Radio! Before that what the hell was there? Nothing! I guarantee it'll be like another fucking year and a half or two before they put out another fucking album. Music's the only thing that keeps you fucking sane in this fucking world anymore. No matter how fake it might be. It takes forever! It pisses me off! And to tell you the truth any more live is terrible. Because on the fucking song it's all fucking edited. Fucking vocal track cut. Next line cut like so it like comes like right after you can't even like take a breath to say the next fucking line in the verse. That song live is impossible to do it like the record. It's not even a record anymore, it's fucking digital. But vinyl is making a comeback. Seriously, any more live is terrible. Absolutely awful. From what I've seen on the iPhone videos. But that's what live music is! Compare that to your studio version. Compare anything live with center-quest studio versions. Most of the time it's not that good. There are some times where it's like wow that actually was a pretty solid performance. I can name a comeback recording or two that was actually pretty good but most of the time it's like cool lord they suck. It's because everyone's a studio band nowadays. That was gonna be in the curtain call video if anyone ever watched it. Scrapped Abandoned EGS episode curtain call. It's talking about how everyone was a studio band nowadays. For all the footage that I filmed for it that didn't get seen. It's in one of the scripts probably that I uploaded. I don't know if it's certain but it's the truth everyone is a studio band now. That's much that I hate to admit it. If I was a fucking musician I probably would have been a studio band. I hate to admit it. If I was a fucking musician I'd probably be doing the exact same thing. Because you have to sound good. Some people just aren't naturally good singers. They need digital technology to sound good. Andrew Blanks one of them. Long way to go. It's time like Billy Joe Armstrong Andrew. Long way to go. Chance is already at Neverworld. Come within sniffing this inside. Enough of music and done talking about it. Everything's coming crashing down around me right now in my life. Everything I once liked. There's something about it that will piss me off. Subtle as things. So much as it settles the fucking weather right now. I wish it could just be dark all the fucking time. That wouldn't piss me off. By dark I mean night. Not just black. I can't see. Just walking, talking, clusterfucking fucking stress right now. That's all I've been for years but now everything pisses me off. I can't do it anymore. I can't do it anymore. I can't measure what I'd be like in fucking ten more years from now. I probably won't even be able to stand up. I keep saying it's all in my soul contract. This is what has to happen. This is how I'm going to die and all that. But it's like I still swear I was born without something. How people can stay on this earth for decades after decade after decade. How can you do it? I don't even understand. I was born without something. I don't even care to know what it is. Now it's the point I can't talk properly anymore. I've had someone on the speech impediment my whole life but I can't stuttering like fucking crazy. Especially when I try to talk fast. My God. I'm ready to go. I'm so fucking ready to go. I'm ready to go. Can you hear that? That's how quiet it's going to be in my fucking house for a week. Eat your Wednesday. I want to know how everyone's going to fucking take it. I can't even say everyone right now. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. I can't talk. I've talked properly for about 24 years. Why can't I talk now? I want to know how everyone's going to take this. How much they're going to cry. How long are they going to cry for? What will my grandparents think? What will my aunt think? What will my uncles think? How's it going to change their lives? How's it going to affect them for the future? What's going to change because of this? Well, my brother eventually ended up taking his own life. I don't know. He's been depressed and he's had anxiety. Terrible. Terribly apparently. And he was always the one that was outgoing and everything. Yet he had anxiety and just hated fucking dealing with people and shit and shocked me. I want to know how hard is this going to affect everybody? I want to know if my brother will even go to my fucking funeral or my viewing. I doubt they'll be an open fucking casket. I don't want to even fucking go. I can't wait for my body to be cremated. Get this filth off of this fucking planet. I noticed a change in my appearance over the last year. Definitely. Like I said, I've lost some weight but I noticed it even in my face. Just looking at the videos. It's like, wow, I look different. I look a little older but still I look thinner. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to get my hair done. Just one long, never ending downward spiral of fucking chaos in my head. My heart feels trapped. I can't be free. Just want to get out. I wonder how often people will post about me on social media after this. For all I know, this story could just be fucking headlines one day around here and then be gone. And I haven't become anything for all I know. Fucking social media could be deleted after all this for all I know too. Out of my control. Against my will and all that. Just seems like Wednesday's never gonna get here. At the same time I feel like it's gonna get here way too fast. Can't win. If I wait too fast, I can't win. I can't win. I can't win. I can't win. I can't win. I can't win. I can't win. I can't win. If I wait too fast, I mean having me run out of time to do everything I want to do. And prepare and all that. I have all those emails done by Tuesday. The video's gotta be done by Tuesday. Everything's gotta be uploaded to the media fire page by Tuesday. Because Wednesday is just it. I'll get home Wednesday morning and I'll have like six hours to do whatever with. I gotta get the shotguns in the car. Get the ammunition in the car. Get the propane tanks in there when I leave that fucking... Quarter after ten. Have the videos uploaded by then. Have the fucking media fire link copied. So I can just tweet it. The one beauty about it is it's just one folder that I have to share. I don't need to individually share every fucking folder or every fucking file. It's just one link to one folder. Which I need to test it to make sure. That would be catastrophic if that link didn't work. And I was talking about before how I was gonna record everything in my pocket when I was shooting everything. And I decided to do it live on Facebook so people can record it themselves. So I was gonna send it. I was gonna try to send it to Rachel afterwards through email. But you can't send a file that big on mobile. It doesn't work. It's gonna be like 300 megabytes or more. So I decided to broadcast it live on Facebook. So we'll see how that works. I'm gonna record the whole thing. At the very end maybe they don't get it on video. I know something's gonna end. The stream's gonna get cut short. It's gonna get reported. Flagged. Whatever. I'm gonna stop sign. Go. I'm gonna stop sign. Go. I'm gonna stop sign. Go. I'm recording for an hour. Yay. Another 4 gigabyte video to upload. Can't wait. Uploading it last was like this so you get the full quality of it all. It's the only reason. Because personally I hate fucking quality training. I'm gonna end this because it's gonna be too big to upload. We're only gonna have days here. That's it for now. I'll only see you a couple more times after this. See you in the next one. This is the end of the fuck up. It's pissing me off. Stay fucked still. Fucking potholes, dude. I fucking hate potholes! I can't fucking explain that enough. Express it enough? I can't even fucking talk anymore! Fuck! A million fucking potholes on my fucking road. And look! Big truck coming next to me! What am I gonna go over? Pothole! Fuck you! Goddess. Better fucking go straight and fucking ride your ass the whole way there. Speed the fuck up. Oh goody. Road work again. Awesome. I just wanna go for a nice pleasant drive and I can't even do that. Where to? Oh, okay. Apparently there's no road work. Well thanks for that fucking false flag. Today is the second of June. Friday June, Friday June 2nd I think. I was working on the massacre video for like, I don't know, four hours and I just didn't want to touch it anymore. So I decided to go driving because that's what I do. I'm starting to get frustrated now which is great. It's like a light switch, it just happens. One thing I could talk about is I noticed that I've lost weight which is bad. Because when you look at my body structure, I have nothing to me. See my clothes hang off of me. I'm fucking, I'm normally 134 pounds. The other morning when I got home from work, I weighed myself. It's 127. 127 pounds. That's it. So I lost seven pounds over the last few weeks. Maybe over the entire month for all I know, I couldn't tell you. I just, I don't even want to eat anything anymore which is terrible. Nothing makes my mouth water anymore. Like nothing makes me crave something or the fuck off of the road. Get the fuck off of the road you fucking cunt. Yeah, go fucking die. So sad. I don't crave any food anymore which is really bad because I don't want to eat. You know, I feel like hungry every fucking couple of hours now. Even after I eat something that's like somewhat substantial, I just don't want to eat anymore. I eat at home like once a week. That's it. One meal at home a week. And that's usually just like fucking like something you fucking freeze and heat up. I can't eat raviolis anymore, shepo-er-dee. Can't eat frozen pizzas anymore. I don't really like eating progies anymore. I never eat lunch meat or subs or hoagies or anything of that shit unless it's a cheese steak. Even that makes me feel like shit afterwards. I don't even eat fucking lunch at work anymore really. You know what I eat? I fucking eat like granola bars and chips all day and night. That's it. I wonder why I'm wondering why I lost weight. I don't want to eat anymore. I'm tired of food. I'm just, I'm tired of everything. I don't really like eating mac and cheese anymore. I don't like eating spaghetti or pasta anymore. It just makes me think of gross shit. I don't like eating anything anymore. I happen to wait until 11 o'clock every morning to go out and get something. Fucking sucks. Open the night shift where you have no fucking dinner anymore. I've had every fucking TV dinner you can name at that fucking supermarket over the last two years at that fucking store. Can't eat TV dinners anymore. Can't eat hot pockets anymore. You can't even eat like fucking Campbell's Chunky Super any of that shit anymore. Unless it's regular old fashioned Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup. I'm at the end of the line. My body's shutting down. It doesn't want me to eat anymore. It doesn't want me to even go to sleep anymore. It doesn't want me to get up anymore. It doesn't even want me to fucking move anymore. Just the simplest things like on my non-order nights at the store when I just have to pull the store, level the products down, just pull everything forward on the shelf. That fucking exhausts me. I've had nights where I had to do that the entire night. So it's just me. I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm ready to die. I'm ready to fucking go. Recorded part of the fucking video from my parents and family yesterday. Of course my fucking mom got home before I could even fucking get to the fucking end of everything. It's a two hour long video but who fucking cares. I wasn't done saying what I was gonna say and I get cut short. Oh you gotta help me take ginger to the vet this morning because I gotta go to work. Well when you say go to work I expect you mean the whole fucking day. Not like for like five fucking hours and that's it. The fuck. I can't even just sit and record a fucking video at home anymore. That could have been the last time I was sitting there recording a video for all I fucking know. What made things even better was I couldn't even use my fucking Canon camera for it. Every fucking ten seconds. Stop tathin'. The video was stopped recording automatically. Fucking SD cards. Some shit. I don't know. Did that for my shooting videos too. Well there's no point in fucking getting new SD cards now because they're not gonna go to any use in a couple weeks. Fuck is up with all this goddamn road work today. Where the fuck up? I fucking hate people in trucks dude. So goddamn slow. Vans and trucks. Slow as motherfucking vehicles on the fucking plan. The vehicles aren't slow. The fucking drivers are slow. This guy's going 30. Speed the fuck up. He goes the way I'm going. I'm fucking taking the other way. There's a fork in the road coming up. Better fucking turn. I was talking about the fucking camera stopping recording on me. So I had to use my iPhone. I looked alright. It didn't look like shitty footage or anything. Yeah so that could have been the last time I was sitting there with my camera for all I know. Sucks. How many fucking videos I had to get cut short because someone fucking got home? Fucking hate everybody. Fucking six more nights it'll all be over. Friday night Saturday Sunday Monday Tuesday six more nights. I don't have to deal with this shitty finger anymore either. Tell me how many of you could actually have dealt with this finger for almost three years? How many of you could have dealt with that? You can't flatten your hand at all. You can't raise your finger perfectly straight up anymore. It's stuck like this. How many of you could have dealt with that and got through life? Three surgeries. Permanently stuck like that. Fucking murder my hand therapist. I've done the third one. She just wasn't even helping it anymore at all. Got worse. So yeah for those who are wondering if you see like these fucking scars in my arm it's not that I was a risk cutter. I can clear that fucking theory out of the way right now. I have them on this arm too but you can't see them because they were different. Ways of putting stitches in them but yeah I was never a risk cutter. Those were just from the stitches from the tendons they took out of my arms. First surgery they took the tendon out of this arm. Second one they went and cleaned out the scar tissue in the finger. Third one they took them out of this arm because I had two extra. I didn't have two extra but you know in each arm I had an extra tendon. So they had to take it out of my left arm. So that's what those are. I've never cut my wrist ever. Honestly I can't ever picture me getting to that point ever no matter how depressed I was. Which makes no sense why people do that. I never understood it. It was to let the pain out. That makes total fucking sense doesn't it. Makes no sense at all. Physically it's not that I'm a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutterς at all. Physically harm yourself because you're that depressed. What the fuck would you do that to yourself? What are they use Sammy? Fucking cunt. I had to hide the scars on my wrist from everyone and I think someone saw. I don't care who you are. If you cut your wrist you're a fucking loser. Worthless. What would make you want to just cut your wrist open? I would never get to that point in my life. Ever. The only time I ever purposely cut myself was to see if I could. I took a butter knife out of the fucking drawer and I wanted to see if it could cut your skin open. That was back in like 11th grade and it can. It worked. I cut my finger open with it somehow. But yeah. That was the only time I ever purposely cut myself. And I know I have the harmony and character who is a risk cutter and all that but it's dark stuff. I like dark stuff. If you're a fucking risk cutter you're fucking worthless. I never understood. I'm gonna get the fuck over it. What could be so bad in your life that you have to resort to cutting your wrist? Tell me right now. How could your life be so bad that you gotta cut yourself? Tell me. I'm listening. I'm all ears. There's no fucking reason you should have to do that to yourself. Yeah my body doesn't matter. People hate me. My family hates me. I have nowhere to go. I have no future. All gonna fucking reality. I'm gonna cut myself. I cut myself and it hurt and I cried. I'm gonna cut myself and it hurts and I cry. I'm gonna cut myself and it hurts and I cry. I'm gonna cut myself and it hurts and I cry. Why'd you fucking do it? We're fucking retarded. Seriously. I don't know why anyone would find the need to fucking cut themselves. One time I would do it is if I knew I was gonna die right after. Even so I still probably wouldn't do that. I still wouldn't do that. Also it was like the only way I could fucking commit suicide. Fine. If I was out in the fucking wilderness and had no way of getting out of the fucking woods or something and had an army knife on me like a switchblade and had to cut my wrist to kill myself, then I'd do it. There's no fucking purpose for it. Anything, just let your fucking throat. Then you'll feel something. Where are those fucking... I swear. It pisses me off when people try to make me feel sympathy for them for cutting their own wrists. Boo fucking who? Completely desensitized to that shit now. Careless. I'd rather have someone fucking come out to me than hear about them cutting their own fucking wrists. What's happened? Some fucker who watched me for like nine years on my YouTube channel. Fucking came out to me over Facebook. Probably right now I didn't give a fucking shit about you. He asked me why I hated gay people and why I thought like it was wrong to be gay and all this shit and I just overall I just fucking hate gay people. I always have. It's not because I don't understand them. I just hate gay people. I hate everybody, especially gay people. Homosexuals, queer as you name it, I hate them all. And this guy was one of them. He asked me why. I didn't really give him a solid answer but it was like I guess you know what I'm getting at here. I'm like you're gay aren't you? He was like yes. And I lied. I bullshitted it and I just said like oh you know that's just how you are and I respect that and you know it's okay or whatever. I mean I fucking tried tears of fucking joy for saying that shit and then he fucking just didn't shut up about it. I'll have his fucking turn on and like how he realized he was gay and all this shit. It's like I didn't fucking give a shit. I didn't give a fucking shit about it. And for like an hour he fucking talked my ear off through Facebook messages with him. This was like the guy that I skyped with for years. I stopped skyping with him because he's a worthless fucking cocksucker. I only skyped with him to fucking gloat and raise my fucking ego. I treated it like a fucking interview. My videos weren't big enough yet so I'm like okay I can pretend these are like fucking interviews. You know all I ever fucking talked about was myself you asshole. I didn't give a shit about you. I still don't give a shit about you. So I used you. That's what I do. I use people. I use Wubcake. I use Damien. I used you. I use Sammy. I use Haley. I even use James. I use people. I manipulate people. It's what I do. By 2015 I was just done with everybody. I care less. Unless they liked me I didn't give a shit about them. Even if people do like me I don't care about them. Most people. I've only talked with like two people. And the entire last year I've only talked with maybe two people on social media. That's it. Nelly and Rachel. Those are the only two people. And you notice something? They're all girls. Some sexist. I'm not a sexist. I'm not a sexist. I'm not a sexist. I'm not a sexist. I can add Mallory in there too. But that's just because I had to use her for videos. But I didn't mind talking with her. I thought she was cool. So it was nothing against her. She's okay. Laura was cool too. But she fucking pissed me off by taking Firmity and giving me my fucking voiceovers. Still won't have it. I fucking sent the script in March. It's June 2nd. Where's my voiceovers Laura? That I paid for. Where are they? Where are they? I don't care what bullshit you're going through now. I paid you to do a job. You haven't done it yet. Fucking sent me takes the other fucking week and you only did like lines like two times. What's up with that shit? The time before that you gave me like fucking eight takes to work with. You fucking did two or three this time? That's it? The fuck happened? The fuck happened? Waiting to get the inevitable like email now saying no I'm just, I'm not, I don't want to work on this anymore or something like that shit. Feels like it's inevitable. Better fucking have that voiceover by Monday Laura. You're fucking dead. Done with relying on people. And I thought I could still rely on you. Apparently not. Point Baron I scrapped his part in the video. What was that two weeks ago since I sent that script to him saying like what I wanted him to do? Didn't do anything for it. Whatever. And I feel like animating it now anyway. Fucking Damien screwed me with it too. He took like a fucking month to do it. Fucking your lies be so goddamn busy that you can't take the time to record fucking like eight minutes worth of voiceover for me. Okay how fucking busy you say you are. I fucking hate relying on people. Fuck. Okay I don't know you personally I might have just showed up at your house and shot you before I went to the fucking supermarket. I could have. Makes you feel like you don't even fucking matter. Remember that shit when you work with people in the future. As much as I love and respect Damien and Laura and everyone else who's given me voices over the years. Remember that shit. Hisses me off. And this is for a portion that's not even animated. It's the fucking build up tension section before the fucking music video starts. Where all this stuff's multi-tracked and everything. There's no animation in that part. And that's the only part I'm missing for audio. And I don't have it yet. The video's gotta be done by Tuesday. So I need to upload it to fucking media fire. And I have to upload it to YouTube. I have to upload it twice. I need the fucking voiceover. Sunday night's my last night off from work. If I don't have that by fucking Monday morning, you're fucking dead. Oh, you're fucking dead. So I'll just turn around and go back to the way I came. Supermarket's not even a mile away from where I am right now. I swear, dude, I can't get something as simple as a fucking voiceover anymore. I can't get something as simple as a fucking voiceover anymore. I don't even know how much money I fucking paid for to do this. I don't even remember. How do I do a bit like 80 to 100 fucking dollars? I don't know. I was expected to have this fucking months ago. Good fucking lord. It's been an entire week since she said something like, oh, I'll try to get everything else recorded. All right, I'm going to record tonight and have that sent to you. And then I'll try to have everything else done by tomorrow evening because I'm off that night. An entire week's gone by. I haven't heard Jack shit from her. Hasn't posted on Twitter. Nothing. She doesn't tweet in general anyway, but still. Haven't fucking heard anything. I'm not sure if I'm going to get anything. I'm not sure if I'm going to get anything. I'm not sure if I'm going to get anything. What the fuck? At least say what's going on so I know. It makes you feel like you don't fucking matter. I've had it. Long had it. Fucking Raira Raira. What a fucking name is. Voice Celesta for like the first EGS episode last year. I sent her a fucking script to record for the massacre video for like the fucking students and shit. Never recorded it. I didn't even email her back after that saying like, hey, did you get the lines? I fucking was done with her. I gave up. I didn't even bother fucking emailing her back. Fucking wasted my time. What the fuck ever. People are worthless stacks of shit. I'm just gonna show in the fucking video too. The video is not going to be fucking perfect either. Because you ruined my fucking motivation. Not just you, a lot of things did. Still, that factored into it. I just don't give a shit anymore. Things are better within perfections anyway, but this... The animation is not fully finished and everything. Songs just don't work. Songs just gonna have to cut off after the end of the first fucking verse. I was gonna do like the animatic for the rest of the video to show what it was gonna be, but I don't even feel like taking the time of day to do it anymore. Whatever. I'll upload the storyboard to the media fire page, but I'm not even gonna bother doing the animatic for it. What the fuck's the point? No one's ever gonna fucking work on it after this anyways. I know nobody will. No one's gonna try to reanimate it and make it better in top notch and everything. What the fuck would take the time to do that? Nobody. So why should I even bother fucking trying? This video is gonna be like fucking 25 minutes long because most of it's just gonna be a fucking ending portion. I don't know how many people watch it from beginning to end. I guarantee you, not even fucking 10% until they know that I'm fucking dead. Then they'll fucking care. Nobody fucking cares until you're dead. It's the fucking sad truth of life. Watch. Watch. All my social medias. I can't believe he's dead. I'm so sad. I loved his videos. All this shit. You haven't seen Jack's shit on my social media. This shit on my social media since. Posted on my Facebook. The Pioneer's Productions Facebook that has like 150 fucking likes on it. What's something you always wanted to know about me? The only fucking comment I got was what my fucking dick size was. After this happens people will be like, Man, I wish I would have talked with them more. Well, too fucking late. It's always what fucking happened with my fan base. As much as I love my fans, no one said Jack's shit to me until I said something big. Like, oh, I'm leaving. Oh, I'm gonna stop doing this. Or I don't know what the fuck to do. Whenever something major happened, then people would talk to me. If nothing major was happening, it was like I didn't even fucking exist. What the fuck ever. I swear to God. I swear to God. People can say they care about me all they fucking want. You didn't show it. But I would subscribe to you for you. Who cares? You never said anything? I never saw comments on old videos saying, Oh, I miss this or I miss these days. I still love this video. I didn't see Jack's shit over the years. A couple here and there, but virtually nothing. And I know I fucking disappeared from the internet pretty much, but still. People say they care, and I fucking care. It's too fucking late now. That massacre video can get a million views for all I care. If you want the fucking shittiest videos to ever crack a million views on YouTube. Who? You want a medal? No. Anything I fucking hope it taints, send requests fan base from here on out. Every time they play anymore, they hear like fucking gunshot sounds. I don't know. My opinion of the song sounds so much better with the fucking gunshots in there. I wish I could sing like that. I'd say have you heard the isolated tracks? Now you can for a couple more minutes. I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'd say have you heard the isolated tracks? Now you can for a couple songs. We'll hear how much fucking autotune is on it. And no, it's not pitch correction. It's fucking autotune. The My Last Confession vocal tracks have so much fucking autotune on it. It's not even funny. Comeback song, plenty of autotune in there too. Some people need autotune to sound That makes you shitty. You have no talent. I can't even fucking describe how much I hate people who use autotune. Get the fuck off the road. Fucking person on a fucking bicycle. Get the fuck off the road. You notice something? Every time you're on a back road and there's someone on a fucking bike, it's always on a hill, it's on a turn, it's where you can't see oncoming traffic coming at you. Talk about the music industry for like a fucking hour and how fake it all is. Music is the biggest fucking illusion on the fucking planet. It's a production and you know film is like fake too when you think about all this shit. But music is a fucking trick. You know how many fucking instruments are fucking fake? Pop music, all that shit's fake. All the autotune in pop music. It's all one big illusion. You notice live music sounds like total shit? And nowadays how everyone uses pre-recorded backing tracks and fucking backing vocals and shit live all pre-recorded? That's not live. Live music is you, your guitars, your drum kit, your microphones, your amps. That's live music. Not fucking synthesizers with backing tracks and everything pre-recorded with a flip of a fucking switch. It's all fake. Granted there's probably still a few bands out there that don't go overkill with autotune and shit. I can't name them because I don't know much about other fucking like bands that are close to being mainstream. But center quest, they're a local band. They're not that big at all, but they use a shitload of autotune on their vocals. And you almost can't even hear it unless it's isolated. Like I didn't even think they used autotune much. Then when I got the stem tracks I was like holy fucking hell you can't sing at all. That typical autotune, like when it sounds like you're singing with your tongue out of your mouth. That typical pop autotune sound drives me fucking crazy. And I love pop music. I love pop music, but it kills me knowing that it's all fucking like fake. Britney Spears songs, a few Kesha songs, Avril Lavigne, you know, it sucks knowing that it's like fake. Granted Avril doesn't use a shitload of autotune, but... I don't know. Music's just one big fucking illusion. It's entertainment. All these people are like fucking talentless. Virtually every pop star singer can't sing. How many fucking concerts you go to now? Like they can fucking have fucking autotune on the live fucking track now. When they're singing they can autotune it live. Paying all this money to see people and they're not even singing properly. Whatever. I hate the music industry. I hate it. Also because of the fact that I'm jealous of it. I didn't feel like taking the time of day to sit and learn the guitar on this planet. It would have taken too damn long. Just knowing that the music industry is just a big crock of shit. Every modern pop song, it all sounds the same. Firstly, all the biggest fucking mainstream pop hits are like they sound the exact same. You can get autotune a million miles away on those things too. No talent. You make all this money. I hate the music industry. I hate it. I hate it. Back in like late high school and through college I loved getting into music and all that. Then I just started to realize how fucking fake it all is. It's one big illusion. Guarantee you, virtually like 90% of all your favorite songs live sound like shit. It's because technology's gotten so fucking far that studio songs now are so fucking full and thick of fucking sound. You can't even record a single song. You can't even reproduce it live properly anymore. Music videos don't even do like fucking songs justice anymore because like the songs are so overproduced, you can't replicate that on video anymore. Even something as subtle as like the fucking over and out music video I did. You can't duplicate that on video anymore. Without it looking like so overly produced and fake. It's like the 80s and early 90s sound. 90s it started to get more advanced and all that but it was still tolerable for me. And after like 2004 is when everything just got heavy and thick and, I'll be like, what the fuck is this? It's still tolerable for me. And after like 2004 is when everything just got heavy and thick and too much fucking sound. Too full. It's all over produced. And I guarantee you like 90% of these bands don't even know jack shit about mixing or engineering and all that shit. Like fucking Robin Kerms, they shouldn't know like jack shit about making like mixing fucking music. And granted I can, I'm just I guess I'm gifted being able to do a little bit of everything in terms of video production. So it's like saying, oh people who fucking film movies don't know how to edit. That's literally what it's like saying. Music's just an entirely different ballgame. Kisses me off honestly trying to like, when I made my own soundtracks for the Prologue series like for Resurrection, AppSolution and all that, welcome to the squad. Mixing audio is a pain in the fucking ass. You can't just adjust volume levels and mix it all together. It doesn't work like that. So that was one thing that I did struggle with. Oh it sounds better with headphones anyway and then you play through your computer speakers. It's just like holy shit the bass is like in front of everything else. But on your headphones it sounds fine. Pain in the ass. So I stopped recording my own soundtracks so I got sick of dealing with that shit. I got sick of doing everything. It just pisses me off when people say, oh these bands are so fucking good. Pulled all apart, they all suck. It's all one big illusion. I select the vocal tracks for your favorite bands. You'll hear the fucking dies he edits, you'll hear the fucking auto tune all in there and all that shit. I don't know how fake it all is. Modern mainstream bands anyway. There was no auto tune back in the 80s. That's what I miss, the imperfections. A stumbled note or two. That you wouldn't even notice unless you knew it was there. Back when pretty much making a studio album was doing it live in the studio. You still break stuff into different pieces and everything to record things separately but it was live. Now it's like all the bands, they're not even in the same fucking room when they record. You just be like, alright let's just record the guitar today and tomorrow we'll do the drums and this band member's not even gonna be here but let's just do this. I hate music anymore. It just pisses me off when people think people are so damn good. That's like saying, watch this, it's really funny. That's not funny. This band's really good, now they fucking suck. That's always how it is on the internet. Who cares? Enough of that shit. I don't even want to talk about it anymore because it fucking pisses me off. The last thing I'll say is that it's like the biggest question is when you see people performing live. Are they lip syncing? Is it live? Fuck off. Super Bowl Halftime Show, are they lip syncing? Do you think they brought it? You never know anymore. It's all fake. I fucking hate the fact that they don't even see anything wrong with it. Everyone's doing it. Doesn't mean you have to fucking have to. Music, singing, used to be you had the talent to do it. You were unique. Now anyone could fucking sing with Auto-Tune. Fucking unleashed the candy video, I didn't edit that at all. All I did was pitch it. I didn't put Auto-Tune on it. Also I don't have the fucking patience to sit and download all this shit to get Auto-Tune and pay for like a $300 fucking program to get Auto-Tune on that shit. It was just simple double tracking. That's all. No Auto-Tune. No pitch correction. All I did was just pitch it by 15% then pitch it again by 15%. That was it. That's not even pitch correcting. I hate the music industry. I can't even appreciate what I hear anymore when something's brand new. Even if it's like the Equestria Girl soundtrack. It's like, oh well I know there's going to be Auto-Tune in there and all this shit and I know how fake it's going to be. It's just... I hate it all. I hate the music industry. How bands can take like a fucking year to come out with something new. It's then request. Last year all they put out was one song. We're going to put all this time into one song and push it and hope for the best. Because when you have lots of songs they're not going to listen to it. It's the biggest crocus shit I ever heard. You need variety. Don't just make one fucking song. That's like what I did with the fucking EGS subs. I'm just going to put all this time into one video. Which is what I did. And you don't get anything else done. That's way different than music. You can produce a shitload of music by the time it takes you to produce one fucking video. But that was the dumbest thing I ever heard from Andrew Blank when I fucking did the hard drive exchange. It's on this fucking media fire page if you want to listen to it. You know. You have no value. You have a bunch of songs on an album. They're not going to want to listen to it. But if they can associate it with that one song. Then they'll branch out and listen to what else you have. You still need fucking variety to begin with. It's like what do they have? They had like fucking like eight songs? That was it. In the fucking like two years they were around eight songs. And then you just push one. It's going to be a year and fucking tomorrow. I think since any more was released. And what did they do? Last fucking like September. They went back to the studio to record more music. I thought it would have been out by now. No. They're still like writing more and like recording more. It's like how the fuck. How could it take you that long? I guess money is another issue. But still like bands pissed me the fuck off with that shit. Green Day. Revolution Radio. Before that what the hell was there? Nothing. I guarantee it'll be like another fucking year and a half or two before they put out another fucking album. Music is the only thing that keeps you fucking sane in this fucking world anymore. No matter how fake it might be. It takes forever. It pisses me off. And to tell you the truth, any more live is terrible. Because on the fucking song it's all fucking edited. Fucking vocal track. Cut. Next line. Cut. So it like comes like right after you came and like take a breath to say the next fucking line in the verse. That song live is impossible. To do it like the record. It's not even a record anymore. It's fucking digital. But vinyl is making a comeback. Seriously, any more live is terrible. Absolutely awful. From what I've seen on the iPhone videos. But that's what live music is. Compare that to your studio version. Compare anything live with center-quest studio versions. Most of the time it's not that good. There are some times where it's like wow that actually was a pretty solid performance. I can name a comeback recording or two that was actually pretty good but. Most of the time it's like cool lord they suck. It's because everyone's a studio band nowadays. That was gonna be in the curtain call video if anyone ever watched that scrapped abandoned EGS episode curtain call. It's talking about how everyone was a studio band nowadays. For all the footage that I filmed for it that didn't get seen. It's in one of the scripts probably that I uploaded. I don't know if it's certain but. It's the truth. Everyone is a studio band now. That's much that I hate to admit it. If I was a fucking musician I'd probably be doing the exact same thing. Because you have to sound good. Some people just aren't naturally good singers. They need digital technology to sound good. Andrew Blanks is one of them. Long way to go. It's sound like Billy Joe Armstrong Andrew. Long way to go. The chances are you'll never come within sniffing this inside. Enough of music and done talking about it. Everything's coming crashing down around me right now in my life. Everything I once liked. There's something about that will piss me off. Subtle as things. So much as subtle as the fucking weather right now. Wish I could just be dark all the fucking time. That one pissed me off. By dark I mean night not just black. You can't see. You can't see. Just walking, talking, cluster fuck of fucking stress right now. That's all I've been for years but now everything pisses me off. Can't do it anymore. I can't do it anymore. I can't measure what I'd be like in fucking ten more years from now. I probably won't even be able to stand up. I keep saying it's all in my soul contract. This is what has to happen. This is how I'm going to die and all that. But it's like I still swear I was born without something. How people can stay on this earth for decades after decade after decade. How can you do it? I don't even understand. I was born without something. I don't even care to know what it is. Now it's the point I can't talk properly anymore. I've had someone on this speech impediment my whole life but I can't stuttering like fucking crazy. Especially when I try to talk fast. My God. I'm ready to go. I'm so fucking ready to go. Can you hear that? That's how quiet it's going to be in my fucking house for a week. You need your Wednesday. I want to know how everyone's going to fucking take it. I can't even say everyone right now. Good morning. Good morning. I can't talk. I've talked properly for about 24 years. Why can't I talk now? I want to know how everyone's going to take this. How much they're going to cry. How long are they going to cry for? What will my grandparents think? What will my aunt think? What will my uncles think? What will my grandmothers think? What will my grandmothers think? What will my grandmothers think? How's it going to change their lives? How's it going to affect them for the future? What's going to change because of this? Well, my brother eventually ended up taking his own life. I don't know. He's been depressed and he's had anxiety. Terrible. Terribly apparently. Apparently. He was always the one that was outgoing and everything. Yet he had anxiety and just hated fucking dealing with people and shit. And it shocked me. I want to know how hard is this going to affect everybody? I want to know if my brother will even go to my fucking funeral or my viewing. I doubt they'll be an open fucking casket. I don't know if he'll even fucking go. I can't wait for my body to be cremated. Get this filth off of this fucking planet. I noticed a change in my appearance over the last year. Definitely. Like I said, I've lost some weight but I noticed it even in my face. Just looking at the videos, it's like wow, I look different. I look a little older but still I look thinner. Just one long, never ending downward spiral of fucking chaos in my head. Oh, I feel it's trapped. I can't be free. Get out. I wonder how often people will post about me on social media after this. For all I know, this story could just be fucking headlines one day around here and then be gone. And I haven't become anything for all I know. Fucking social media could be deleted after all this for all I know too. Out of my control. Against my will and all that. Seems like Wednesday's never gonna get here. At the same time I feel like it's gonna get here way too fast. Can't win. Can't win. If I weigh too fast, having me run out of time to do everything I want to do. And prepare and all that. You can have all those emails done by Tuesday. The video's gotta be done by Tuesday. Everything's gotta be uploaded to the media fire page by Tuesday. Because Wednesday is just it. I'll get home Wednesday morning and I'll have like six hours to do whatever with. I gotta get the shotguns in the car. Get the ammunition in the car. Get the propane tanks in there when I leave that fucking quarter after ten. Get the gun in the car. Have the videos uploaded by then. Have the fucking media fire link copied. So I can just tweet it. The one beauty about it is it's just one folder that I have to share. I don't need to individually share every fucking folder or every fucking file. It's just one link to one folder. I need to test it to make sure. That would be catastrophic if that link didn't work. And I was talking about before how it's gonna record everything in my pocket when I was shooting everything. And I decided to do it live on Facebook so people can record it themselves. So I was gonna send it. I was gonna try to send it to Rachel afterwards through email. But you can't send a file that big on mobile. It doesn't work. It's gonna be like 300 megabytes or more. So I decided to broadcast it live on Facebook. So we'll see how that works. It's gonna record the whole thing. At the very end, maybe they don't get it on video. I know something's gonna end. The stream's gonna get cut short. It's gonna get reported. Flagged. I know something's gonna end. The stream's gonna get cut short. It's gonna get reported. Flagged. It's gonna get reported. Flagged. Whatever. I'm gonna stop sign. Go. I'm recording for an hour. Yay. Another 4 gigabyte video to upload. Can't wait. Uploading it in lots of ways like this so you get the full quality of it all. It's the only reason. It's the only reason. Personally, I hate fucking quality train. I'm gonna end this because it's gonna be too big to upload and growing out of days here. That's it for now. I'm gonna go ahead and upload it. I'm gonna go ahead and upload it. I'm gonna upload it. I only see a couple more times after this. See you in the next one. brings back memories doesn't it what happened what the fuck happened man I swear to God is what the hell happened so this is surreal right now but I can't believe I'm saying this but I think this is gonna be my last video this is it the last one who would have thought nine years of doing YouTube videos and the thought was always the furthest from my mind when will I stop what will the last take be when will I hit the stop button for the last time you know and back in 2008 I was like tied with okay it seems like it could be like fucking like 20 years from now maybe even longer at the same time it's like okay maybe it could be just a few years a year you don't know but I got cut short the other day with the parents recording so I might as well just finish up everything in this one you know I'll just send it to everybody so I'm uploading all the stuff anyway people are gonna see it no matter what but this will just be part two of what I was talking about the last time which I don't even know like what I ended with but you know I was pretty much saying what I had said before for the most part but this is it it's June 3rd at four nights left that's all that's it so the way I keep looking at it is I'm gonna have so much stuff to keep track of the next few days that I'm gonna have to keep uploading stuff and these are four gigabyte files they're big they take like six hours to upload four to six hours and I just I need to get everything done I can't just keep driving around with the camera here and talking and ranting and bullshitting and shit like that so this is gonna be the last video I make you know besides the massacre video and that stuff or you know the Alex Kevhart tape video that you'll end up seeing as well but this is literally the last video that I'm gonna be sitting in front of the camera and talking to you and this is it and I don't really know what to say it's it's the end this is it this is like this was one of my worst fears in life was leaving YouTube and saying I was done and you know just going and you know I've kind of been in the situation before was like you know it's over there's nothing more I can do that this is it and I made a video like that back in 2015 when I was failing with the animation stuff I'm like all right it's over and I actually started crying on the camera but I scrapped the footage came this close to uploading it then I deleted it and it's cuz I figured out what the problems was what the problems were with animation and all that so like okay I can do this don't need to upload this video now but yeah I actually cried on camera and it was it kind of looked forced but it wasn't but right now I'm actually I don't feel sad because that part of me is just it's died off like in terms of like feeling sorry for people or you know just having regrets and shit like that like most of that it's pretty much gone like all my life it's like oh man I'm gonna regret doing this later I'm gonna regret looking back on this or you know I feel so sorry for this person because I didn't talk to them enough or I feel sorry for them you know all this and it's just at the point now it's like I just I don't care you know I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do and that's the way it's gonna be and it's all about being happy that's the main thing I know when I'm dead I won't be fully happy I'll be one of those souls that it's like yeah I still hate everything but I have what I wanted and I'm gonna do what I want to do but I'm still gonna be pretty pissy I know I am wherever I end up so I don't know the dimension that the ghost squads in I just I don't remember the name but it's what it is and you know it's like it's kind of just been expected like over the years I just slowly kept distancing myself more and more and more away from the YouTube channel and everything and the fan base you know the live stream stopped and all that so you know all the contact I've had with people has just been going farther and farther away so it's like I don't feel like pressure to do this like I would have years ago or I just I don't feel sad really at all you know it's just like this has been coming for a long time now you know how many videos I made saying you know this is it you know these are gonna be my last few videos or you know I can only picture myself doing a few more I can only be picture myself being around for a year and all this and you know it's that's all it's been the last few years there's been some content in there but a lot of it's just been videos of me talking to the camera and it's just there's no emotion left like even like my voice doesn't sound like it used to quite fully anymore like my voice like I just looked back at like the suicide tape recordings like right now I noticed like what I'm talking like my voice has gotten weaker and weaker and weaker and you can notice that compared to the past every fucking video my voice has gotten weaker and like not my acting voice but my general speaking voice like when I'm making videos like this and it's just you can notice that over the last few years like from 2014 through now like you'll notice like the voices gets a little bit weaker a little bit weaker a little bit weaker and it was pretty eerie seeing that happen but I'm actually right now I'm sitting in the parking lot where I filmed the scene for resurrection the scene in the car where the whole curse theory started in that video and all that yeah I'm about 15 20 yards away from the space it's pretty pretty cool I didn't think I'd be back in here like recording on camera again but here I am same parking lot wasn't gonna I was gonna park in the same space but the Sun was facing that way so I wanted to be able to actually like see the camera for this so I'm not gonna sit here for like two hours and talk about regrets or what I wish I could have done and all that shit I'm just gonna sit here for probably an hour and just talk to you one last time just say whatever else that comes to mind and that will be it I I probably won't post another video of me on camera after this again I might for all I know I don't know for sure but the way I see it is this this is it can you figure I work tonight that's Saturday gone Sunday okay well then I need to start finishing up the video and then the whole night Sunday night gotta work on the video into Monday and then I start uploading the other stuff I have recorded and it's just I gotta keep working on that stuff and getting it all done and getting everything ready and I can't just afford to just start driving around and bullshitting again so this is it so I look back at all the people who have watched me from day one from 2008 2009 all the way through today some people were extremely loyal like people like nighty James obviously but it's like didn't have a choice you know like Nelly Simmons even point Baron you know people like this they never left they've been around for like seven eight years it's like how that's insane like in the fact that I wasn't like a huge youtuber or anything but yet people still stuck around stuck that's not even a word people still stuck around to see what I was gonna do next I always had a big ego it was always big I always like felt like I was bigger than I was a reality I was like I wasn't even at 10,000 subscribers but I felt like I had like a hundred thousand and I had a big ego that's how I am I always dream big you don't dream small you dream bigger go home that's how I've been I've like ever since day one on YouTube ever since I was able to pick up a video camera in elementary school I wanted to make big videos I wanted to make movies I want to make documentaries I wanted to do all this stuff for me you know not on other shit for my YouTube channel and all this and I wanted to make short films and all that and you know I did but I always dream big you'll notice even like the old videos what I have left from 2008 they were still you can see where it was gonna go you saw that they were gonna become bigger and more in depth and more abstract and all that you saw that early on and James even mentioned that and one of these it was on a message board somewhere that I read you know he was talking about how I do videos compared to how he does videos and all this and you know like James will be like you know my scripts are just very whatever you know like I'll just I won't tell him what I'm gonna have him do I'll just tell him right then and there like this is what you're gonna do here's your lines blah blah blah I'll be like okay well when Andrew records you know it's like he takes into consideration the wind outside the elements he makes sure he gets different camera angles and if something happens with the take and it's bad he'll stop and start over you know and he said something like you know he was making professional looking shots out of his videos he was taking professional looking camera angles and all this stuff and that made me feel cool and good and it made me happy noticing that people noticed that you know because that's always how I've been I've always been a perfectionist granted in 2008 I had mistakes like I had plenty of mistakes back then that I didn't even notice until it was even on YouTube like I even had a video it was one of those old burglar videos where I I actually didn't cut out me adjusting and moving the camera for one of the shots and I left it in there but the videos forever lost I'll never be able to get it back but you know I was always a perfectionist which there's nothing wrong with that take pride in your work make it as good as you can and even so you'll still find imperfections but that's what makes it even better knowing that it's not perfect you know I can't express that enough as much as I like I am a perfectionist you know I still wouldn't mind seeing a little mistake here and there that's all part of being a creator you'll have mistakes nobody's perfect but it's just I don't know man I was gonna say something else but I lost it let's let my mind see if I can think of it in the next 15 seconds if not then they won't mmm it's not coming well I lost it sorry but that's the way it goes but you know it's just I I still had like no idea back in 2008 that I would do all the stuff that I did all the things I would do I had no idea would get this far like I dreamed of it yeah like everyone dreams to make it big but it's like really what are the chances of me like getting a decent fan base and all this shit and you know making a difference for people and all that I really honestly didn't think it would happen I thought after like a year on YouTube something else would have came along and I would have just left YouTube you know I just thought it's like a temporary thing although I loved doing it you know I was around when Google video was around you know I made some videos for that which is also forever lost but oh this is what I was gonna say I hope to God Sunday like you know they have the way back machine and all that but I hope somehow you can recover deleted videos from YouTube like if only you can go back into like the server data or something and get stuff that was originally uploaded say like in 2008 if only you can go back into like the preferences and somehow and all this and go back as if it literally was 2008 and just rip it from the site and download it because I had so many videos that are forever lost like from 2008 2009 even 2010 I had videos I'll never get back and it sucks a lot and they were they were like they were so different compared to now like I wish I could see them now they're just in my head now but I wish you could have seen how different I was you know there was stuff that was just downright cringy and would make you want to put a bullet in your head if you had to watch it for a day straight but it's just it showed how far I came with what I've done but I don't have that to back it up now which sucks you know people who probably started watching me a few years ago like they probably think that like the Mr. Horsehead video is what started everything it was my first video and all this and it wasn't because I'm pretty sure on the Pioneers Productions channel Mr. Horsehead is the first video on there now which wasn't true I've been around since June 9th 2008 and up until like I'll just say through the end of 2009 I probably had like anywhere from like 80 to 100 videos on my channel guess what happened about 90% of them got deleted so I just I didn't know back then that you could like get external hard drives and save all your stuff and also because I didn't even have a job yet you know so by 2020 when I got a job when I actually was able to buy things then I started like looking at a flash drives and stuff to put stuff on to save it because like when we did the alligator horsehead video with Damian I wanted to save all of his raw footage so what did I do I put it on a fucking flash drive and eventually I got external hard drives and right now I have about five of them so you know I went crazy with that but I just wanted to save everything I did from then on out because I knew like this is my legacy this is my life and someday I'll be dead and I don't want this stuff to just get lost forever you know then you're nobody so I was forever thankful for people like TJ although I fucking hated his guts after 2015 he saved so many videos that I had that I thought I was like that I thought I lost you know he was downloading them nighty he saved a shitload of them that I thought actually really were forever lost like stuff from my second channel like the amusement park vlog and I don't know like just some random vlogs I did like the snow day vlogs and stuff that I found it's like holy fuck I can't believe he has this and it blew my mind like he had I'm pretty sure he had the original burglar video which was the first video I uploaded on Pioneers Productions although there was no audio on it but he had the video that was just as good as having it you know so I'm forever thankful for that although I hated TJ you know he pissed me off to the fucking extreme at one point not to the extreme but you know I just fucking had it with them I just wanted my life but he saved so much stuff I did and without him in my life I wouldn't have some of these videos and that page he put them on it's still up he might take it down over time for I know he'll be pissed at me or something you never know but you know there's probably stuff on there that I didn't even download that you know is on there so I need to go look quick over this weekend and see what I can you know take from that and upload to this digital set like there's like live stream pictures on there screenshots from that that I would never be able to have done myself you know maybe even a few videos that I missed so I'll go see but this digital set I tried to include every single recovered video I had in here and there were a couple times where I was uploading stuff and they failed for some bizarre reason which it happens once in a while I did like bulk uploads like if I had like 10 videos in there maybe like three of them would fail and sometimes they got duplicated even though it said they failed but they got uploaded somehow so I might have had videos that I thought were uploaded not get uploaded you know so I don't have any way of checking of which did and which didn't because it'd take me like all fucking day because you got to go through like 300 fucking videos and I'm not willing to do that so I miss some I miss some it's what it is and they're on YouTube anyway for now I don't know what will happen to my channels after this but you know anyways just I'm thankful for whoever have saved my videos you know because I got to watch myself grow up with this channel and seeing old videos that I thought I forever lost it was like Christmas morning it really was it was awesome so thank you for that no matter who you are just thank you for that because it's the world to me I don't know what people are gonna think of me after this it doesn't bother me but for the longtime viewers the longtime fans what will they think will they ever look at my channel again after this will they ever think of me again after this will they just want me out of my life after this me out of my life will they want me out of their life out of this after this see I can't talk anymore guys I get worse every day cannot I can't speak right anymore it's terrible I wanted to make these all raw and unedited too so you just get get this is what you get you know this is it no fancy editing no graphics no nothing it's just me and you that's all that matters right now me and you because you won't see me anymore so just just want to be as real as possible with you you know because also because you you guys haven't seen me in like the last year or two I just I disappeared so these videos are the most I've recorded myself on film since it's not technically films digital but you know since like 2014 or 2015 I was doing all the update videos for the EGS videos you know that was the last time I actually like sat in front of the camera I just stopped so that's why these are so big these are you know four or five gigabyte files which I apologize for but that's why I'm doing this just to talk to you you know I'm dedicating my last few days on earth my last two nights on earth to do this for you so it's the last you know the last bit of generosity left in me is to do this digital set to give you everything I have you know what I can anyways you know I'd be spending like a whole fucking month uploading everything if I could which I can't so all the essential stuff is on this digital site so I tried gathering as many pictures as I could as many like as many fan art edits that I could that you guys have made photos in general screenshots from videos so it's like the full resolution you know spent so much time gathering this stuff so hopefully it was worth it that's a lot it's like 150 fucking gigs of stuff so I mean you never think you're gonna die it's in the back of your mind once in a while but you never just sit and think every night of your life this is it seven more nights six more nights five more nights I'll be dead you know you don't think like that ever look at everybody in this park a lot just going about their daily routines not thinking about dying not thinking about hating people and not thinking about wanting to shoot people and here I am with four nights left to live on this planet it's it's crazy just looking at everyone at the supermarket the manager is coming in just messing around and talking about this and making fun of this or bitching about that or whatever then it's just like four more nights your whole lives are gonna be turned upside down because of me I'm gonna fuck your life up I can't wait and just hoping I can cause as much destruction as I can I want that supermarket I want that supermarket to be closed for like a fucking month or go out of business one of the two there's always one of the thoughts like how long will it be closed for knowing how much of a money whore why is this will just open up the following day all right everything's cleaned up can't clean everything up that fast all the shit that's gonna have fucking bullet holes in it it's a crime scene it's gonna be a crime scene I just right now it just feels like times just been standing completely still so you think okay it's coming up it's coming up it's coming up it's not here yet it's gonna be the longest four nights of my life and then it'll be over just like that just like that and everything will just be thrown away people look at me and be like dude you could have gone to school you could have gone I did go to school you know you could have kept pursuing school and got on to work on movies or documentaries or independent films you know you could have done something and made a name for yourself in a good way I didn't care to make a name for myself in a good way didn't once I was in college I'm like what the fuck ever I'm done with this it's just I wanted to make a name for myself through the internet or I was gonna do something bad and make a name for myself I knew it was gonna be one of the two but I never thought I'd actually end up doing that it's like how does that happen it's like you're born that way it's in your soul contract it's what's gonna happen you just don't realize it throughout your life but it's like you just look back it's like I was like the nicest kid I didn't have anything bad going for me in my life I had two good parents you know I had a brother had a roof over my head I had a car had a job had my own computer and all that I had a fanbase that cared about me and all this you know just like that flipped but what shocked me more than anything was like when I started showing who I really was and like showing the darkness in me and then all like the hatred in me and all this like on social media and everything nobody really left like they still supported it I was like wow I've really manipulated these people that's amazing yeah I had long-term viewers that went elsewhere I could have a couple but that's how it is I've watched youtubers like for four years and then just stop watching them you know that's what happens that's how life is but it still shocked me that people still stuck around it's like I expected everyone to leave me after that you know like when I started doing the cartoons and everything I'm like I'm gonna lose everybody but in reality I pretty much filled in the void that I left from leaving Pineas Productions with new fans it was cool but that was also weird because every time I posted a video on the EGS channel it's like I don't even know who these people are it's weird just random people now to me so I'm interested to know like what people are gonna think of me after all this happens you know change perspectives on a lot of things it's like 70 degrees in this car it's fucking hot I want to turn the air on though kill my battery so your car battery going for like an hour and a half dead battery just I wanted to do this I wanted to set the camera up one last time and just talk to you one last time because this is it I said this is it so many times in this video but this is it I'm going I'm going to where I truly belong I'm not going to hell or anything like that it's a crock of shit I'm not getting thrown into a ring of fire you know like the seven layers of hell and all this or like the layer where you like fall for like 2,000 years non-stop and then you get punished and all this shit I'm not getting thrown into that everyone has a purpose on this on this planet this was mine and it's just that's how it has to be I don't care so you can believe what you want religious wise but I really don't give a shit believe what you want but however what a thought that a cartoon character would cause this to happen a cartoon character how can a cartoon character bring all this out in you how was that even possible look at ember talking led me to send request led me to McKenzie let me to Rachel Rachel shadows Rachel Hodge too but yeah most of the time if I ever say Rachel I mean Rachel shadows or the shotgun but yeah it's it's all thanks to ember some saying granted thanks to people who've watched me over the years too but ember changed everything all goes back to her a fucking cartoon she's more than just a cartoon let me tell you I don't know I'm just milking the time here I don't know what to really say the biggest question will always be why I'm like partially told you why sometimes that they get scary or not knowing why I could tell you everything that's no fun there's stuff that you still don't know about me that I'll never tell you I'll take it to the fucking grave so I just sat and talked whatever came out came out that's it you the Andrew Blaze suicide tapes is sponsored by ruffles they have ridges I didn't eat lunch or breakfast last night at all I never eat breakfast anyway but this was my entire night this is what I ate all night all my camera my phone's leading against this on my dash this is all I ate bags filled up to here right now was about up to here when I open it and you want to chip swear to God I can't stop doing that with my eye now that her right eye is she has a right eye deformity but always you know like when you draw eyes like they're like squished like when they're like when you're being expressive and you're like angry or when you're like happy how your eyes squish her right eye is always squished like that the eyebrow can change but the bottom is always like that I can't stop doing it I've had like personal habits over the years like I just keep doing something and I can't stop doing it like fucking like third grade I scared one of the girls that I hung out with a lot pretty much was like a mini girlfriend at the time Ashlyn I would always just like I would like do that with my head for like no reason next that's cuz I couldn't stop doing it I would just like shake my head like like like this like six times or whatever and stop like ten minutes later I'll do it again and just sporadically throughout the day she's like you're scaring me why do you do that I'm like I don't know I was back in third grade it was 2001 another habit I had was that one nodding my head like this for no reason that lasted for years it's just I guess you call him ticks like nervous ticks or nervous habits but it's not even I wasn't nervous about anything it just just happened what the fuck I was never able to stop it was weird that was another one doing that with my eyes yeah you have psychopath like serial killer fucking in the making right there I don't know probably the last most recent one is just like like coughing for like no reason I don't know just I don't know don't that my whole life I just make like weird faces for no reason like people are saying that about Eric Harris is like why is he doing all this random shit but I'm like I do that so not just some kind of psychopath shit and Eric Harris wasn't a psychopath he wasn't I'm not a psychopath I don't hunt people down and kill them I just one thing I hate people who chew with their mouth open I don't think I've ever done that it's gross yeah I need to fucking eat something substantial I'm fucking dying here kill myself I fucking kill myself guys I really fucking do I know I can't say that the same way ever again oh jeez yeah I talked about food the other day just how I don't want to eat anything anymore and sucks just even fucking bones that was for shaving they just shaved today shaved my whole body again and accidentally cut myself who it's always like the same spots it's either right here right above like the ball on my ankle or I don't know it's those are pretty much the only two spots but what happens it's like fuck I hate cutting myself but I don't know what to talk about it's been going for 36 minutes already that's 30 minutes to say whatever what do you say I don't know yes you need to realize though like I'll be where I belong after all this no matter what I did I'll be happier that's what matters and whether you believe that or not these people that I was about to that I'm about to kill they're part of the soul contract as well this was there this was their destiny this was their fate this is what I had to do with this is what had to happen to them you can believe that as much as you want you get things a crock of shit I don't care don't care I just felt like making random faces there I don't know why I'm starting to sweat in here dude it's hot I like it hot but not when you're in a car and you got no air coming in yeah I cannot wait to not have to deal with this anymore this is a pain in the fucking ass look at this shit see that that is horrible this has been no effort at all this is a straight I can make it that is awful like the swelling never went fully down see my finger on this one on this side look at that it's like fucking twice the size yeah so that'll be fixed finally deal with that since fucking Halloween of 2014 you said how many of you can go through three years of your life with that or the rest of your fucking life with that go crazy one thing I will say though is I just I want to thank everybody who has watched me for this long and I'm not just saying it to say it I'm saying it from what little heart I have left in me that I appreciate what people have done for me because you have no fans you have nothing you know and some people don't need fans they just make their work and that's it but that's very rare you know you have no audience what's the point of making stuff so I never didn't have anybody I always had somebody watching so just thank you for that because I don't know what would have happened had my fan base died or had I only gotten like you know 10 views of video for the rest of my career and all this you know anything could have happened and I could have been dead back in like 12th grade for all I know you don't know so thank you for that no matter who you are I don't care if I hate your fucking guts thank you because you helped get me to where I'm supposed to go that's the truth no matter how much I hate and despise people you all played a role in getting me to where I'm supposed to go so thanks for that it pains me to say thank you for things nowadays it really does sucks being all lovey-gooshy-mushy like thank you guys so much you changed my life and all this and you know I'm here if you want to talk and all this shit you know whatever I mean that though for the people I sent the emails out to if you ever need someone to talk to you can always talk to me I mean that from the bottom of my soul so but that was all mostly just for attention back in the day just saying like I cared about people and it's just just trying to boost my image pretty much that was it I don't know I just I don't care I don't everyone has problems you deal with it in your own way that's all I can say some people the internet's the escape route and that's what it was for me take away YouTube I'm nothing really not so just to think that I started with a big home movie camera that was like this fucking long that you put these little DV cassette tapes in there to record on back when you actually recorded on tape I went from that you know just casually walking around the house with that pretending I was making a movie and acting on the camera even if I was just like whispering it into the microphone to starting a YouTube channel to editing my own videos to making skits and sketches to making short films all just from the push of a button on a camera imagine if you didn't have video cameras in this day and age no way to document anything that was physically happening in front of you besides just writing it in a book take away video cameras it's entirely different world can only imagine what it'll be like in a hundred years from now what a lot of thousand years from now the next millennium in the year 3000 what is technology gonna be like personally I think the whole world will be fucking devastated by then there won't be any human race left because we're just gonna be the ultimate the minds of ourselves we're gonna kill ourselves it's how it's gonna end I know it if not then the eternal war will that's how I see it I mean there's other dimensions out there besides earth other worlds there's gonna be a big eternal war where was in the path is in the path they're gonna die and I'll be laughing I will be laughing my white ghost female ass off be having the time of my life you just think how slow time actually is you look at all the things that have happened in history like you just look back like even as far back as just the 70s or the 80s it's like all this stuff is here now but at the time it was coming out one at a time all these bands that have had albums like to think there was a time where that was just brand new they didn't have a whole legacy or history yet it's like I just I did that with myself now that's my legacy it's over that's what I made that's what I had to show for myself you know and I think how long that seemed and that was just nine years I didn't even reach a decade on YouTube which even so being on YouTube for more than like three years is an accomplishment so I made it to nine actually I didn't I missed my nine years by two days so or a day just depending how you look at it but can that close to reaching nine but I mean I could sit here and say thank you to a million people individually for everything they've done but I'd be sitting here all damn day I've kind of done this before like when I switch channels I think it was the rest in piece Pirates Productions video like you know thank you Damian thank you nighty thank you like you know I just went through like a bunch of people off the top of my head I mean I could I could do it again but it's just there's no purpose because then I'll feel kind of kind of shitty for like leaving some people out that I'll like regret later like I still have a regretter to my life they're not fully gone but stuff like that's like I feel bad if I didn't mention somebody because that happens a lot I have a good memory but when it comes to just sitting in front of the camera at times and just saying the stuff I forget things and I want to kill myself afterwards there's just so many people that changed my life so many people that put a smile on my face so many people that made me feel warm inside just from text on the screen it's insane and if I were to name everybody I'd be here till like fucking four o'clock you know so many people and you know whatever happened throughout my YouTube career I'm glad it happened I'm glad I had fights with people I'm glad I blocked people I'm glad I met certain people I'm glad I got to collaborate with certain people you know I'm glad I was able to help inspire others to do things you know I've I've done what I set out to do when I get messages saying you know I help people get through dark times or I changed their life you know or my videos make them laugh their ass off or put a smile on their face you know that's that's all I ever really wanted deep down I just it wasn't there in the beginning like in the beginning I just want to be like I want to get famous from it I was pretty much it but I still enjoy talking with the people because I always felt like I was bigger than I was like hey these are my fans cool let's talk with them but at the end of the day it was just like I just I wanted to not only make a legacy for myself but I wanted to help inspire other people just showing that you don't need much to make something awesome that's what I said like what Piners Productions was all about was just using what you had around you making it work and making something out of it you know look what I did I talked to a stuffed whale and a rubber frog for years that got thousands of views it's not that hard you know anybody can do it if I could do it you can it's it's totally possible anyone can have a video get decent views on it as long as you put in the time the work the effort the passion you can get somewhere with something it's not just YouTube videos I mean just anything in life you know I could have animated cartoons for a couple months and then just throw it all away which I almost did but I didn't I stuck with it stuck with it for almost two and a half years think about that it's a long time I mean for someone who just shot videos on film for seven of those years to just switching gears like that to do an animation not anyone can just do that that's a real talent right there and it's you know it's a lot of luck too but it's also passion and pride determination in your work which I've always had you know the last video the massacre video yeah I wasn't finished but that's just because it wasn't worth killing myself over seriously it just it got to the point where I'm like I'm done I can't keep pushing myself like this anymore it's gonna be what it is that's it you know you can only do so much on your own I learned that big time over the years I was just a one-girl crew everything you saw was all done by me you know I did it all except for some voices here and there I did everything all these videos you see on piner's productions all these videos you see on EGS productions EGS world whatever it is now Embers of Ghost Squad you know all that was all done by me I did everything I never ever once sent something to somebody to edit like I never had somebody else edit one of my videos I never had anyone mix like music for me or anything I never sent voiceovers to people to cut or make sound like fuller and shit like that like I did the whole thing every video for nine years I did everything and I take great pride I take great pride in that I do it makes me feel accomplished which is what I've longed for for most of my life to just be able to sit back and look at things that I did be like I did something right I made something awesome I feel good about this you know like I said I made videos that were like Jesus what the fuck was I thinking there this is totally total shit you know but I still like it I still like the videos that I made that worked really bad you know the retards and peanut butter video the chat roulette insanity video chips and apple you know jack the retarded kid Randy on Christmas you know the I am make me bad video you know all these videos I'm still proud of it because I was just being who I was you know it's how I was a whole time yeah I had a like a hard problem with Christmas in the early days but you mature with it you adjust to it and you know came a long way with that but I still like looking back on that stuff you know it's good stuff it's still entertainment it's still funny you know no matter how bad it is some could just be laughably bad which makes it funny you know so in the end I pretty much win no matter what can't lose ways I look at it it's like I was like on the seon that had an actual decent fan base pretty much don't say on the seons name personally I actually used to watch on you see on back in 2009 I used to use his music in my videos and I just sort of went like all right he's making really weird shit that I don't care about so because he would crossdress and shit and like no thanks even though I crossdressed myself but I just I didn't watch him after that pretty much but it's kind of funny pretty similar with some things we view I say really brutal shit on Twitter sometimes but people support it sometimes it blows my mind it's like cool 52 minutes I'm starting to overheat in here too I'm really starting to sweat I still want to talk about it's my last time on video what should I say I keep in mind this is going to my parents too so it's most like piss in this car good Lord no air in here I even have an air freshener that just opened the other day it's not doing jack shit right now it's like piss or like a dirty gym bag yeah I know it's not me cuz I just took a shower so it's all the junk food that fell under my seat there's tacos under there probably from like fucking half a year ago yeah no point in vacuuming now so I guess I just want people to realize that things got to happen in this world and some of them are obviously gonna be evil and dark and tension and all that and that it can happen to anybody happen to me look at me would you ever once think that I would go out and shoot up a fucking store I don't think so I mean I know some of you will like never be able to look at me again or look at the stuff I made and all this and not be able to think about what I did or overall might not ever like be able to accept what I did you know that's life you can't please everybody with everything you do this is no exception so obviously I'll have followers after this there'll be people who get inspired by what I did to do something of their own you know Columbine obviously will inspire more people Sandy Hook or was it the Cleveland elementary school shooting the was a Barbara Spencer the I don't like Monday's girl you know to think that was like the first big shooting in the United States and it was a woman it was a girl a fucking girl was the first school shooter who would have thought that would be possible it's a man's world yeah fuck men women are better by far I don't like Mondays tell me why I don't like Mondays I want to shoot the whole day down the lesson today is how to die he always said she was good as gold I love that song I guess I bought it the other week I can't stop playing it now the boomtown rats kind of a name for a band is that what the fuck catchy song though at the same time it sound like it could have been something from like 2004 but like I just know like when I hear a song it's like there's no way that this is modern music and that was right because this was back in like 79 they don't make music like they used to I'm not even gonna get started on music again now I already ranted about it for like a half hour yesterday so put my keys on the ignition for a bit here just come I'm starting to overheat a bit here there's gonna get some air flowing in here it's hot it's only 66 out and feels like fucking 75 in here I'm gonna miss you guys really am miss you a lot even though you just been text on a screen to me 99% of the time you know I've skyped with some of my viewers before not very many but a few of them have even met one of my viewers in person before Max some two or three times at the store talked with them two times but I saw him like three or four times talked to them over skype before that and next thing I knew I saw him at the fucking store cuz I was like wow he lives in the town where I work who knew small world but yeah it's just that blew my mind that was my first ever fan encounter it was awkward as hell but it's still cool nowadays it'd be just a little bit different I'm more easygoing and can listen to people bitch more and shit like that and talk and all that but just at the time was always awkward like meeting people yeah all the people all the people who watched me I think how many people in general have just seen a video I've made how many hundreds of thousand how many hundreds of thousands of people have seen my face think about that it's a lot it's like not everyone can just do that to like not everyone can just put themselves out there on the internet like that and show their face like how many people you still see in webcam videos with a mask on their face ranting about things or whatever and they just don't want their identity to be revealed like people like I hate it as guts the Columbine Video Archives channel that guy never revealed his identity he never showed his face and this channel got deleted somehow which I think law enforcement made him take it down but yeah I hated that guy I enjoyed what he uploaded though in terms of like the new stuff or like rare footage you like Harley whatever see or like footage inside the high school when it reupload and reuploaded when it reopened you know but as a person I fucking hated him it's one of those guys where he just he thinks he's funny but he's not didn't deserve the fans he had really don't think he did at all didn't even show his face you know he's getting fucking fame off of a fucking natural disaster you know fuck you how many people doing the same exact thing yet one guy actually gets like somewhat decent subscribers with it he almost had like fucking 10,000 subscribers in like a year it's like I should have had that you know but then I look back it's like okay well I really wasn't making much content anyway so can't be sour grapes over that but yeah I was always jealous of people whenever people got fucking views and subscribers and good feedback and support and when I didn't I was always fucking jealous of it I look at some things on YouTube like the popular channels at times it's like how are these videos getting so many views how are these people so popular like this content is so shitty it's like I always felt like I deserved to be up there but I never was that's the way it goes so there's no telling what would have happened had I did get you know more subscribers and views like if I was posting that stuff that I'm posting now like when I was like if I had like a hundred thousand views on every video I would make or something you know I could have been like reported to the police you know never know so all right I just passed the hour mark on this recording so I'll talk to you for a few more minutes here and then I'm gonna get going I need to I gotta go who could have guessed that somehow some way somehow someday we'd have to say goodbye time has come it's a great song by the way although I'm not desensitized at all maybe ball like a fucking baby when Bruno died when I would play that song or since it's like sad music doesn't get to me it's one thing I could talk about quick I listened to like the top 50 and top 100 like saddest songs of all time or top 100 songs that would make you cry none of them did none of them like only like one like really like kind of touched my soul in a way but that was like it none of them connected with me none of them made me feel sad it's also because it's like parts of me had just been dying it's like Michael Myers I was told there was nothing left you know that's what it's been like parts of me just keep dying every day every night and my emotions my emotions my emotions just aren't what they used to be yet the most random thing in the world can make me cry but things that are supposed to make you cry they don't fucking let it go and frozen made me cry a lot not just once numerous of times like almost every time I'd watch the movie and I watched the movie like fucking 20 times half of them I cried or the ending always made me cry stuff like that makes me cry but things that are supposed to make me cry don't what the fuck it's just it's inexplainable unexplainable as much as I say I've been depressed all these years I hardly would ever just sit and cry it's happened trust me but it's the side of depression that doesn't have a lot of tears like there's like nothing to to emote or express at times or you're just sitting in your miserable and you're just dead and gone and you just fall down a hole into an abyss of nothingness yeah sadness goes with it but I've sat on my bed and cried numerous of times more than I can name offhand happens depressions are real serious issue on this planet how many people had depression legit authentic depression like I have how many people actually have it one in ten people I don't know I never looked at the stuff like the statistics on it holy shit is anyway I think it is no fucking way get a good look at you my childhood friend Matt Gilbert his dad drove a car like that I laughed my ass off that that was him because I'm I'm like two miles from his house he moved out by now but I don't know where he lives he he's non-existent on social media sucks I wanted to send him like the old videos we made but yeah maybe whole areas I don't know I'm just saying whatever it's just it's okay my mom's texting me any food ideas story of my life part of me doesn't want to go I don't want to leave you guys right now I don't but I know that I have to have to let yous go and I thought like the last video I'd make would be like so emotional I'm like over the top and I'd be like balling and you know having second thoughts about uploading it and all this but it's like I just I don't feel anything I don't feel sad I don't feel happy I just feel like accomplished I guess that's the best way I guess I can describe it I don't have regrets I don't have things I wish I could have done that's pretty much the same as a regret but I'm satisfied pretty much with what I've done yeah I wish I could have made much more content and much more abstract stuff that that will never go away I always wish I could have made top-notch content like some of you might think I did top-notch content and some of it I guess yeah it was but I just I always wanted to do so much more you know I dream big all the time the EGS tapes I kept making them better but then it got to the point where I didn't want to work on them anymore because I'm like this is too simple this is too bland you know it's just a graphic with the audio over it that's not entertaining to watch yeah people still would have watched it they would have just appreciate it just as much as if I put like a shit ton of like shit little effort into it you know I could have done a million tape videos people still to watch them but the perfectionist in me is like well it doesn't look like high quality or anything so I'm not gonna do it that's what happened with the Alex Gephardt tape I was gonna put that on YouTube I don't think I ended up doing that I'm speaking in advance here I just I don't think I'm gonna upload it just gonna be in the digital set I might I don't know but it's just that's what happened with members go squad got to the point where I just couldn't bring myself to put effort into it anymore because it's too much work cartoons were an entirely different ballgame with video video you have the footage it's all right there you make it work cartoons possibilities are endless but you need to physically bring it to life and I couldn't do it anymore the wife and me was just sucked out I mean I still have stuff I need to add to the massacre video but truth is there's gonna be animatic shots in there I'm gonna have to leave those in there I'm not gonna be able to animate them people will watch it do it what the fuck is up with that it's cuz I lost the motivation and the will to do it I was done so I'm sorry about that that's one thing I am sorry about I wish I could have made it like a full-length video I wish I could have animated the entire track that was pretty much the goal but then the animators fucking screwed me so spent the money on fucking ammunition oops way to go hope they regret that really hope they do so I mean it feels ironic in a way you know I started making YouTube videos without being a perfectionist I'm gonna have to end it without being a perfectionist there's gonna be mistakes in there there's gonna be things that weren't fully finished in there you know so in a way I'm proud of myself for that I didn't kill myself over it in the end I just accepted what it was you know alright guys you know this is my last video it's what it is you know that's it in a way I feel like I said I feel bad about that cuz like I had all this stuff going for me and it just ends like that's how like absolution was at the same time it's like absolution was nice cuz it brought you down memory lane and all this and you know it was a decent video wasn't bad but at the end it just made you feel like that's it you know so that's what the shame about this but the very end of the massacre video turned out actually to be pretty good because I didn't I wasn't gonna actually do that like animate I didn't animate I just drew it you know the suicide at the end like with me and then Rachel and then the camera pans a coat like a close up across our bodies and stuff I wasn't gonna actually do that like I was just gonna show me killing myself and like I have to show Rachel too cuz originally intended Rachel to like blow herself up that's what I was gonna do she was gonna shoot like a bunch of propane tanks in the building and the whole school was gonna explode and she would die laughing and all that and you know some cops who could kill it and you'd have a big shot from outside of the school blowing up and all this I had all this in my head and I just I didn't have time to do it so Rachel like myself shot herself through the mouth and it blew her brains out so I laughed my ass off looking at that ending shot it's like that's the last shot I'm gonna ever do for a video and it's Rachel like it's just it made me laugh so hard it didn't make me cringe it's gonna scare the shit out of some people but it's just it's so fucking funny it's just that's how it ends it ends in chaos and madness you know insanity craziness just like my YouTube career started with didn't make any sense you know the ending for this it makes plenty sense this ending but I was just I had that moment of like that's it that's the last shot you know that's still have more shots to make but just hit me it's like that's the last image people will have of a fresh new video you know I have like the big montage at the end but I feel like I should just make that it's like its own video because when people see this is gonna be like a 25 minute long video like part of me is like well yeah but this is the last video gonna make so it gives a fuck but at the same time it's like it's gonna be like a 25 minute video and people would be like why the hell is this video so damn long and like the actual video itself was like it was all built up and nothing like really happened just like two minutes of it actually happened you know it's just so what I had to make work it's what I did that's what I had to play with you know I had no animators to help me which I intended on having like three people help me with this and none of them helped kept referring me to more people never heard of any responses back people said they would help then I had to push me back months and it was too late so that's what you have I'm still proud of it you know even though it's not finished it's amazing I think I fucking made it all I made it work even if the animation is not fully there I still did it so even though it's kind of ending on a little bit of a down note but I'm satisfied with it the bare minimum of what you can call satisfied so everything has to come to an end someday and unfortunately this is the end for me you never think that it's gonna happen it's like just thinking about dying you never think you're gonna die the thing for some people it happens just like that they could just be driving on the highway and a brick and come flying through your fucking windshield and kill you just like that you wouldn't even see it coming and what can die at any given moment of the day just think about that you could be watching this video today for all I know and you could be dead tomorrow think how many people go to sleep at night and they're gonna die the next day and they have no idea think about how many people like me are gonna go to bed and then wake up and know they're gonna die it's surreal just think about that you know people try to think about all the good things in life but you never think about things like that I did all the time just look at all the tweets on my social media the Andrew Blaze one anyway but that's also what I wanted to do with Embers Go Squad was to show you how easily things can happen to people you know all the ghost backstories like somewhere by suicide some are just out of their control and it just happened they were here one day and they were gone the next that can happen to you too can happen to anyone and I wanted to show that it's okay that was one of the biggest messages with Embers Go Squad was just to show that it's okay to be sad it's okay to be depressed it's okay to be rebellious do what you want be who you are and don't give a shit don't give a fuck what anyone says be yourself how many people would do the stuff I did takes a lot of guts you'd think but I just got desensitized to it all you know just do what you like it's easier said than done but over time maybe you can get through that life's real short sometimes it feels like an eternity but life's so damn short really is look at me it's like I blinked and I was 24 and a half what I'm gonna die 24 and a half thank you guys thank you for everything thank you for all the late nights thank you for all the live streams thank you for all your support all your feedback no matter how good or bad it was thank you for changing my life and I hope I've helped make a difference for you no matter how evil I might be hopefully I helped you as well because if I've helped you out then I've accomplished what I set out to do and sadly I'll never know all the lives I've touched all the lives I've changed help change rather I'll never know well this is it I've made YouTube videos for nine years and this is the last one I sit here and I ask myself would I do it all over again if I could I wouldn't want to live those nine years over again honestly it's an eternity in a way I wouldn't do it all over again just I'm just appreciative and thankful for what I have made and who I've gotten to know over the years from it all and nothing lasts forever doesn't matter what it is everything dies eventually unfortunately now it's my time to die I can't even believe I'm saying it so surreal to think about I'm gonna be dead before next week ends I'll be dead legit dead it's unbelievable I've come this far not going back this is it it's okay this will be the last time you'll see me so try to smile as best as I can it's what it is guys I just I don't smile anymore I don't it's time for me to go I'll miss you guys I miss you a lot so many great times I'm always forever thankful for that thank you thank you for everything thank you for steering me in the right direction at times thank you for just always being there for me especially when I needed you most there was always somebody there some people don't even have that some people literally have nobody they can talk to in YouTube was my escape route from it all if there was ever something bugging me I could post about it on social media and I could talk to people about it some things that I couldn't even talk to my parents about you know you've all always been there people have come and gone yes but there's always been people there so thank you so much thank you thanks you some of you maybe I'll see on the other side I don't know spiritually I might have known some of you before I got put here I couldn't tell you but some of you I'll see you soon have full belief in that if you want to end your life end your life do what you feel is best doesn't matter who you heard from at all as long as it's what you want to do and what's gonna make you happy if it's gonna make you free do it you're in control of your life remember that people call it like they can only tell you what to do to a certain extent you're in control you're in charge all right this is Andrew Blaze signing off for the last time I'll see some of you soon enjoy the rest of your lives Andrew out So I just thought I'd give you one last look around the house since this will be the last time you'll get to see it like this. So I'll take it through every single room, you know, just show you where I lived my whole life. So, here's my car. It's a Hyundai Sonata 2013. Very fitting, right? If we go to the back, you'll see where I had all the stickers. Let's see here. We have a Sonata sticker, a Rachel sticker, an Andrew Blaze sticker, the old design, and Mackenzie West. So, you know, I'll zoom in on this so you can see it. And I included some of these in the digital release if you wanted the vectors that I use for these. Pretty much all those are in there except the Sonata one, which you can find on Google, you know. But, yeah, I'm just focusing here. Trying to do this like all raw and unedited just so you can see. But, yeah, this was the side of the house. You know, the driveway. Need I say more. Probably remember it from some of the videos I shot. Show us a full-skill shot of the car, you know. There you go. As soon as I say it's going to be raw and unedited, the camera stopped taping because of the fucking SD card. It's been giving me problems for quite a while. But, that's the way it is. If I go back here, you can have a big flashback to the first shot of the video I ever put on Pioneer's Productions. The burglar. It started just like this and came running across the street and went in my own house to rob it. But, yeah, you know, fuck you, car. Had to fuck you. Fuck you, SD card. Because lord, stop. Yeah, just take you inside. And, you know, I got a little port. Might recognize it from Resurrection, you know, some of the other videos I shot. Got to change the iris settings here if I'm going inside. Hi, Jen, Jen. Hey. But, yeah, it's been a while since I recorded anything out in the living room and you can notice that, you know, the wallpaper is gone. They repainted it in here and I fucking hate it. Looks like an old person's house, doesn't it? That's the worst colored green you pretty much could have chose for this. And it just looks like shit. I don't like it. I don't. So the wallpaper is all gone. And yeah. So I always had a closet here next to the door, you know, the front door. You know, you might remember this from demonic activity. I was standing here pulling the string, turning the light on and off, but, you know, it's just a little closet and there's a bunch of old newspapers there from like the 90s and stuff. But, you know, it's just a closet. Nothing more to really say. I guess we'll just, I'll save my room for last because that's, you know, the grand finale of everything. Um, you know, I was sitting here recording one of the Pioneer's Productions anthology sequences, you know, the interview like sections. I'm just talking to you to the camera about just anything. It was right here. Now there's a desk here, which is my mom's stuff because she has her own side business now and she has shit everywhere. So in the old days, there used to be a fish tank there. So if you watch old videos, you'll definitely hear it in the background. This is where our high school pictures always were. That's my brothers and that's me. That's my senior picture. That's right. Right around the time we filmed Alligator Horsehead 1 and I have like no hair. So that sucked. But, um, yeah, just a bunch of high school pictures there for me and my brother and table. You know, nothing special here, cat. Boosh! Uh, ginger, my dog. Yes. Hi. Say hi. Um, but yeah, need I say more, this living room you've seen more than pretty much any other room in the house. It's been in almost every single Pioneer's Productions video I've made. Um, TV's still the same from 2014 and probably a little bit before that. I can't really remember, but you know, just to give you the idea, you know, if I stand over here, you'll instantly think of the search for a member. You know, you have the red cups in the windowsill over there and have the rope around my neck and cussing froggy out, you know. But, uh, looks a little bit different with the wallpaper gun. But, you know, this is where all the stuff got shot pretty much. All the main videos in this room. So it's crazy to think about. So I'll take you down this way first and get this out of the way. We have a door here that leads to my brother's room, which I have very rarely filmed for videos. Um, I think like the Pioneer's Christmas video I did back in 2009 when I jumped on his bed. There was a random crazy shot for like, if my mind could be heard or complete sandy lost, I don't know, standing under that fan there, ceiling fan. Um, but this was my parents' room when we first got this house and there used to be a closet in the wall there where those picture frames are. There used to be a closet. So this was just a wall. That wasn't there. Um, used to have a dresser here with a little tiny TV on the top of it. Um, and it was just way different in here. That's crazy to think, but this is still the original carpet. Um, yeah, just a lot of memories I've had just sitting right on the corner here, the very edge of this bed playing Yu-Gi-Oh! Forbidden Memories, that card game on PlayStation. Um, PlayStation's long gone, but I saw the PS2. This is a PS3. I don't, I've never, ever once played PS3, but it's my brother's. But, um, yeah, not a whole much to say about this room really, but it, uh, still brings back memories for me. I'm gonna miss it. Um, if you remember Resurrection, this is where Ember Flores was standing and floating during the ending when I was, uh, when I was running away from the whale and the frog in the hallway there. She was standing right here. So now you get her perspective, you know, floating at the very end. Uh, so, yeah, um, that was pretty much, uh, added right at the very end of the video. I don't know what made me write that in there, but thought that would be cool. Um, so yeah, this was my brother's room. Still is, but probably not for too many more years. So, yep. Um, guess I'll take it down here next. Let me just stop. Okay, so brother's rooms here, rest of the living rooms there. Following? Good. So this is a pretty famous hallway now. Um, filmed the Yodels video in here, part of that. You know, do you know what they do to you? I was sitting on the floor here, I think. Um, the cover shot for Resurrection, um, for the thumbnail I was standing in this hallway. For the thumbnail of the video. Took that there. Uh, took some EGS related pictures in this hallway as well. So, you know, it's a cool hallway. So, go in here. Got fat bastard on the fucking stand over there. He was still there in Resurrection, even that far back. I remember seeing him in the background somehow. But uh, yeah, this is my parents room. Which, uh, I don't know, not like a hell of a lot to say about it. You might remember it from the Pioneer's Christmas video when I was wrapping presents on the floor. Or uh, the Whale Christmas video, the remake. Um, yeah, I was uh, filming in this room for those videos just because I liked how the lighting looked in here. Try to duplicate it for you. But see, we have three light switches and only like two of them turn on lights. That turns on the ceiling light and this is the rest of the light switch. Used to be a lot brighter. Um, I guess they haven't changed the bulbs in here in a long time because I can bring them down and I can bring them back up. But uh, the lighting used to look really nice in here. Um, now that I think about it right here was when I filmed uh, that was where I filmed the How's It Possible. And I was standing there like doing like, you know, the shocking behavior styled videos like Damien did and I stood in front of this TV screen pretty much. That's what it was. I don't think the TV was on the wall at the time. There was probably an old TV here. That's what that used to be used for anyway. But um, yeah, we have a closet over here which I used in a video or two. The spliced EGS video was filmed right here. I was just sitting in front of the camera going crazy and then I disappeared and then attacked the camera at the end. That was right here. Um, I think complete sanity lost how to shot in here. And like what happened to the panties or something? I can't really remember. Um, yeah, this is my parents' closet. Take a good look. Uh, you know, this is where I used to get the stuff to cross dress from. Right here. My mom always had her jeans here. Usually had a bra or two in there. But um, this is where I would get my stuff for the most part. Um, and from their dresser over there. But yeah, it's just a closet. That's all. Here we have another little closet which has an ironing board in it. There's two rifles in here which I think they're just 20 camera stops. Sorry. Um, I think they're just 22 rifles. Couldn't tell you. Don't care to really bring them out because what the fuck's the point? Doesn't matter. Heh, picture of me and my brother. Um, focus. At least turn the dial the wrong way. Yeah, me and my brother are back in probably elementary school. Couldn't really tell you. It's kind of hard to focus on this. But, it's a cool picture. I'm obviously on the left. Heh, so, yeah, my parents wedding photo over here on the wall. I think I wasn't even born yet when I was taken. I think that's their wedding photo. Couldn't tell you. Um, I'll just take you over here quick because I didn't. Um, my mom's dresser. My dad's dresser. Quite a difference. Heh, mom has a top to hers even. That's, those are all my dad's bowling trophies. He used to have like 30 of them. Heh, like you see the date, you know. The year, 91, 92, 94. So, interesting. Just old pictures. There's me laying next to a football. Um, I never uploaded this anywhere, unfortunately. It's kind of hard to focus on that. But that's me laying next to a football. Apparently not long after I was born. So, cool. We have a Galileo, Galileo, Galileo Figaro. That's my grandfather who died back in 2006, 2007. Wedding photo which I showed. Mmm, my mom's nightstand and shit. You know, I don't need to go overkill with stuff here. You get it. It's just basic everyday stuff. Uh, I filmed quite a few vlogs in this room. This is the bathroom for my parents. Um, but like I'd set the tripod up like here and I would sit in front of this wall. You know, it looks pretty cool and I would take down, probably take down those. So it was just like a blank wall. Cause I didn't have a green screen or anything to use and I never really mastered using green screens in my life. But you know, I would sit on the toilet and shoot in front of this. So brings back memories. The old yearbook vlog. Yearbook vlog I filmed in here. But you know, it's just a bathroom. For old, old school Pioneers prod fans, you'll remember I shot Chip Takes a Bath in here. Um, that video is long gone. I don't have it. It's completely gone. Hi. Hi. So yeah. You know, sink, whatever. It's a bathroom. You get it. Uh, you can look out into my backyard here, which is heaven. Cool. So, um, I took one of those photos in front of this mirror like I was like taking a picture of myself. Um, that was a year ago. Two years ago almost. But yeah. Cool stuff. Um, my room's over there, but we'll get to that last. This hallway was in the first Pioneers Productions video where I was robbing the house as the burglar and I actually punched myself in the back right here. Uh, you know, a crazy Christmas maniac shot was here when I was trying to get in and kill Froggy in the whale. That famous shot, you know, famous. Yeah, right. Um, yeah, it's a nice little nook. Got a little, uh, closet here for bathroom stuff. And then you got bathroom supplies in here. Need I say more? It's just what it is. I always wanted to hide in here for some reason. Thought it would have been cool. Feel like hide and seek. It's just a nice little closet. So, uh, you know, it doesn't go up that high. This is my bathroom. I spent my bathroom my whole life. My entire life. My stuff is obviously here. You know, I got the skintimate stuff. Skintimate, my hair product that I used for like the last half of the year because I discontinued my Garnier fruit tea style. My ladies razor, contact stuff and deodorant, my lotion to make my skin smoother. You know, girl stuff. This is my brother's. So he always has shit here in the corner. Clothes, hats, whatever. So we throw our clothes, which I just did the wash this morning. So it's all gone. Uh, toilet, you know. This is where I filmed the Jack video where I dumped the can of Pepsi on my head in the shower. It's still unchanged. You know, only the curtains have changed over the years. Um, yeah. It's kind of weird. My brother's girlfriend has her sponge in here. That one's actually not mine. That one is. But yeah, it's just a tub, shower, you know. I can't tell you the last time I actually like physically took a bath in this bathtub. Probably like eight years. I don't know. But yeah, it's a bathroom. What else do I need to say? There's me again. Hey, you know, Furby video. The opening shot when I was tying the tie in the mirror is right here. It's right here. So yeah, you guys keeping up. It's a lot of rooms to go through. We certainly don't have a small house. That's for sure. So all right, living room goes right into the kitchen, which this should immediately trigger memories of the Furby video for you guys. I'm just going to go through the swoops right into the camera here and standing right here in the doorway. This was that famous shot. Have a fish tank there at the time. So the Furby was on top of that and I was flickering the lights right here. There's a light switch in here. The old fridge we had used to be much farther back. So it was easier to get at the lights. But you know, I tied fishing line on here and was just gently tugging it and that made the lights flicker because these lights, if you like barely like touch it, might not do it anymore. Yeah, you can just barely make it flicker. So that's where this shot was. So it's just a doorway. That's all. Remember the whale silhouette when I crossed this, when I turned the lights on and the wider shot. But yeah, this light switch has always been here. It doesn't do anything. Never knew what it was for. It used to be like a light for a ceiling light at one point. I don't really know. But it's just a light switch. And I made fun of that in a video once. I'm like, you know, I've been here for 20 years, but I never knew what this light switch does and it didn't do anything. But yeah, I think that was a mindful assilliness or something. I honestly can't remember, guys. I don't know. But you know, kitchen. I've got a few shots in here that I can remember educating a frog. It's right here. And it's virtually unchanged besides maybe the clock. I don't know. But you know, I just put the chalkboard on top of that little ledge. It's like a little, you know, little lip of wood here. And somehow for the longest time it stayed on top of it. And then it just fell off and hit me in the head, which was not even scripted. It wasn't intended to happen. And it scared the living hell out of me when it did. But I just reacted on the spot and kept it in. Obviously it was a forced reaction, but I used it. That's great. So, you know, the table's changed definitely. It's much higher. It's a brand new table. We got like a year and a half ago, new chairs. And unfortunately I'd never really eat at this table because I'm on night shift now. So I don't eat dinner with people anymore and I always just eat in my room. So I never eat in the kitchen anymore, anymore at all. You know, horse head, live shot. It's probably what some of you think of here. Sinks still the same. Yeah, resurrection when I was peering out the window. And yeah, quite a few videos this room was used in. And I'm going to miss it. So, yeah, what else do I need to say? Just one of those days. Anybody remember that video? That was in this spot. So yeah, quite a lot. Quite a lot of videos in here. Let's see. Back porch. Spent a lot of time out here as a kid. Like I would have these little like tiny cars like pretty much like hot wheels and I would just play with them on the railing here on the windowsill rather. Just all around the room. Used to have a little art easel here with a chalkboard on the back and I would spend time out here and just memories of me and my grandmother just sitting out here on the patio stuff here and talking and telling me stories. And it was a lot of fun. I miss those days. Used to think how much simpler it used to be. But this was where I filmed the first part of the Ion Make Me Bad video. Pretty sure the camera was somewhere around here. But yeah, just got a pantry here, a pantry there. Dog food on the top I guess. Air conditioners in the corner. Yeah, that's the backyard. You see, it's quite a view. I'll take you out there after this I guess. So that's where our bathroom is. So if you ever wanted to be a fucking creep you could peer through here. But yeah. So that's that. The stairs. Yep, not anymore. So okay, let's get you out of here. And now we can go downstairs. So this immediately will probably make you think of the search for a member. You know, camera running around the corner and then soft froggy with a laptop at the bottom of the stairs. So brings back memories for that. I should have you know I'm the only one who has it. My voice is cracking. So yeah, might bring back some memories. A jack video when I was falling down the stairs with a garbage bag full of cans. And yeah, maybe run for your life, that old video. The Furby video even. You know. Yeah, we're big cowboy fans. I'm not into football anymore. This is where I transferred all the DV tapes for you guys to watch. I have the VCR DVD player down here and was transferring it all into this computer which then had to be converted again for my computer. It was still lossless quality but it was a weird format. It was like MPG or something. I guess the original like MPEG format. But yeah, this is where I first recorded the first ever let's play that I did for Slender Mansion. That one isn't even available anymore. It's long gone. That video that is. But I was sitting here playing that. Every video after that was recorded upstairs on my computer. So search for remember anyone right here. Yeah, that's where Jack was laying dead for that one shot where he's dead on the floor. Yeah, this is where I throw our stuff to burn like papers and stuff. See a shotgun shell box down there. Hot tub stuff. Shit people left here over the years. That used to be in my room. I just moved it down here because I had no use for it anymore. Yeah. Not a hell of a lot to say about this spot really. Maybe the Furby video comes to mind here or maybe resurrection. You know, washer, dryer, not much to say. Yeah, that's where I was peering out from behind the fridge. If you remember the old DV tapes. We used to film some things right here. Turn on the light. That's where this was. Josh! Josh! My name's Josh! I'm Harry. Yeah, the videos with me and Matt, a lot of them were filmed around this area. A little known fact for the opening of Finding a Purpose, the Embers Ghost Squad video, the pilot episode. I stood right here with footflops and did that for the footsteps for the man that was walking that got killed at the beginning. That's where that was. I made sound effects as legit as possible. They were pretty much homemade, a lot of them. But yeah, this is where our yard caved in and we flooded our basement. It's hard to see. This is like a little room, a little separator here. Everything in there collapsed on top of our well pump. And we had a shitload of water in here back in 2013. So that was fun. Furnace keep us warm in the winter. A bunch of shit here. Fridge. This used to be upstairs in the kitchen. Yeah, not much to say. About a case of Miller light to last me the week. There's only nine in there. So, yeah, no beers for the children. Got a freezer there. This is where the shot of Froggy coming after me in Resurrection was. But you have like the silhouette shot of him coming after me that was actually on this wall in here. You know, shit's changed a lot over the years with this. It's just a storage area for stuff. This is where I would store stuff to shoot at for the shooting videos with the shotguns. See, I still had some left, but I haven't gotten since that final video and I'm not going to go again. So I got sick of questioning whether or not Jason or his dad would be up there planting and stuff. So I don't want to bug him. So, yeah, that's what this place was. Got to be careful here because there's a support beam that you can smack your head off of. Just smack your head right off of that. Yeah, you know, you look up and that's just boards. Wood. Wood everywhere. That's it. All the way across to where I just was standing before. It's just wood. It makes me think of Home Alone 3 where was it Peter Popray or whatever his name was where he was just like hanging on top of it, trying not to get seen. That's always what I think of that. Like scared the shit out of me as a kid. It's like, that's in our house! But yeah, fuse box right here. Just if your fuse is below, this is where you go. So, yeah, I had to do that quite a few times. Laser. Yeah, resurrection peering out from behind the fridge. You know, something like this. Yeah, so, see if the lighting is still the same because I filmed that in the daytime. Yeah, looked like this. A little more grainy, but like that. Now we get to the back hallway here, which is where the Furby video was. See, it's completely dark down here and you probably didn't even realize that that was filmed during the day. That portion with the Furby. Turn around, this is where I was standing against. Got a bunch of like shit here that I never had to use in my life. Like WD-40. Old coffee cans just full of like screws and shit. You know, manly stuff that I never did. Paint cans and aerosol cans full of whatever. But this is just where all that random shit is. It's just been a little supply area. This is where the guitar that I used for the Angry Guitar Player video. Remember Angry Guitar Player? This is where it's always been. Just down here in the basement. It's just an electric lead guitar. I thought it was an electric bass, but that's before I knew anything about guitars. But it's an electric lead guitar. Couldn't tell you the brand of it. Don't really care. This is my brother's art supplies and shit, because he makes art sometimes. Like he'll spray paint stuff. Let's just see, I'll show you something like this. Basic stuff, but I thought it was cool. It's art. Let me see what else we got in here. I didn't get a look at all these. Selfish lights, cowards, bribery, greed, sharks, corruption, city. Cool. Trying not to destroy this, because he's probably going to sell these. But hello, what just fell out. Yeah, this is just like space stuff, which I always love. I don't know where that stopped, but he made a lot of money off of these. This is the back of it. They're legit artboard things. So, yeah, Furby video, standing here. Furby video, I was standing right here, and the Furby was right behind me. Yeah, I had a separate standing light over here that I was flickering myself. This camera is a bitch. Keep stopping. Maybe it's the light. He's just fucking stopping. So you see, this was the Furby shot, the classic Furby shot. Got a tool bench here. It's always been here. It's never changed. Bice there, bunch of supplies, wood shop stuff. Yeah, this little hallways where our coal bin is, right in there, over that board is a bunch of coal that's pretty much all used up. But filling coal buckets in there was always a pain in the ass. You can't see it anymore, but there was EGS on the wall somewhere in there. You know, you could see it still. I put there back in like 2014. So that's still there. I wrote a date on there. It's January 23rd or 28th, 2013. It's hard to see because it's right on the corner of the wall. Right there in the middle of the screen. I can't quite see it. I think it's January 26th, 2013. So that's back when all this bad shit started happening to me. So that's spooky to think about. We got golf clubs here that I haven't used in years. Skiing stuff, ski boots, you know, helmets, crutches that my brother had to use at one point in his life. Yeah, it's just a little hidden back hallway here. And that leads you back to where we started. So it's a nice little area. We've hidden here quite a few times for like flashlight tag and stuff like down this hallway. If you remember the one DV tape, turn the lights off. Harry, Harry, then brah! Where I was standing, you know, that's so cool. I always liked that shot. It was nice. Yeah, this is a door that Jonathan Weaver got his head bashed in with when my brother was hiding behind it for the flashlight tag video. I could not stop laughing after I saw that. It was hilarious. So fucking funny. So, yeah, lots of memories down in this basement. So, bottom of the steps. And this is the family room. I know we have cowboys here too. Yeah. Computers there. You know, what more is there to say? This little doorway here just makes me think of the DV tape with me and Matt testing like the security system. You know, the alarm is here, here, and like here or whatever. And they had to jump over it and get in, you know. I doubt anyone knows what I'm talking about, but maybe one day you will. Yeah, just a family room, living room in the basement. I never spend any time in here anymore because it's pretty much my brother's space now. He owns the basement. He sleeps down here pretty much every night. Every night for like the last two years. I filmed a lot of videos down here in the early days in 2008. You know, cowboy stuff. Baby pictures, I'm pretty sure. That's Jeremy. That's Jeremy. That one's me. Back when I had a big head. Bad big fed. Head big head. Yeah. That's a nice picture. And I think that's like 18 years old probably. I like that one. That was always a nice one. I have no idea where that was. That was a photo place. Definitely. I see the shadow on the tree. That's definitely a picture. But yeah, random shit on top of the coal burner here. It's not running anymore because it's June 5th. So yeah, I kind of lied in a way when I said that that was going to be my final video on June 3rd. But just realized I forgot to record the house. So yeah, just random shit here. Couch here. This used to be over there. And this is the furniture from upstairs. You know, the green furniture from the living room. This is where it ended up. So yeah, getting it down here was fun. Try getting that throughout that front doorway. That took all damn day to figure out how to get that out of there. And it was a process. So, once you don't hit your head on that, that's happened quite a few times. This table's older than I am. Guarantee you that. That's where my brother sleeps all the time. The big couch from upstairs that's been in so many videos. I would take you in there. That's the only room that's never been on film. Let's see if I can pull this off here. The camera can stop at any moment, but I'm going to take you down here. And see if I can pull this off. Got a couch here too, mind you. Yeah, this is fucking heavy. Is this where that happened? Yeah, Dave will... not happenin'. Sorry. It's not worth it. It's just a little water closet. There's pipes hanging here, and there's like an old box full of like, eight-track stuff in there. So, you're not missing anything. That's where I used to hide all the bodies. Um, yeah, that's where my presents... That's where my parents would hide my presents for Christmas and stuff. The one year I opened it up and I saw there were skis in there. I was like, whoa! And I just realized that that was like a Christmas present for me. That was back in middle school. But, um, yeah. This clock was, uh, in a few videos. Just in the background, like, extinction. Just reminds me of that. I had, uh, you know, Froggy was on here, I think, for one of it. No, he wasn't. No, I'm making shit up. But, you know, the extinction shot creeping up on the whale. The laptop was on the floor over there. But... Hey, dookie! I know that problem. Um, so yeah. It's, uh... My brother's a huge fancy football addict. Fucking... It's stupid. I don't like fancy football anymore. But he's in so many fucking leagues. Um, have our window here. Just in front of a coffee table. An end table. This is outside once again. Um, my Nintendo 64 got moved down here, which I wanted to kill him for. But I haven't even had time to play games since I've had to, you know, gather everything and finish everything up. So this is what it was. Um, just a lot of memories down here watching football. So many memories down here watching football. Just... Used to have some recliners down here. Um, I don't know what happened to them. I guess we got rid of them. Because I don't see them anymore. That's sad, isn't it? I never spent any time in this room anymore. I can't even remember what, like, was here and what was removed. That's sad. Um, yeah, just so many memories sitting here. Uh, watching Super Bowls down here, you know. Just a lot of memories. Memories of, like, my first few birthdays down here. It's just fucking crazy. Uh, one thing I'll show you quick is these Beatles collector plates. Collector plates. The Ed Sullivan Show. Rubber Soul. This one I broke, which I never forgave myself for. Um, that's when I was into all this Paul is dead shit. Like that hoax and all that. And, accidentally, I think me and my brother were, uh... We were playing with balls down here, like dodgeball and shit. Back when I was much shorter than this. And, uh, I think me or him threw it. Probably him, I don't know. I can't remember Jack's shit. But this fell off and it landed on the radiator down there, and the top of it chipped off. Um, it might have been from that, or... I was just fucking around and somehow knocked it off. I don't remember. But, yeah. I never forgave myself for that. So, this is the famous extinction hallway. Uh, doorway, rather. But, um... Turn around now you can see it, so... Give you the mood. First time you saw Ember Flores appearing from behind the door, and then... Ember was a part of my life ever fucking since for my videos. It's crazy to think. So, right here. This hallway brings a lot of memories. A lot of times, like when I was a kid, when we were running around, messing around, I tripped and clipped my foot on this little doorway here. The lip of the doorway. That was fun. Um, this was the shop for the teaser for Curtain Call. You know, the doors right here, and then it made it look like it was a stage. But the lights were off so you couldn't see. But this is where the Curtain Call backstage stuff was shot, believe it or not. There used to be a pool table here, that's long gone. But, all this shit then used to be in here. So, it was a playroom for me and my brother when we added it onto the house. So, when my parents got the room upstairs and at the end of the hallway and all that, this was added on. Um, because this used to be a yard, and there was a rock wall that came through here. Um, so this was all added onto. It's a nice little room. But, I'm never in here anymore because now it's my mom's office. For all of her parts and medical equipment and shit, you know, there's shit all over the floor. Um, you know, it's a mess. Um, you might remember like, well, it was a complete sandy lost when I was throwing darts and it fell off. And I was like, no! Or like, have a seat. Or me throwing the banana box over here. Um, but this is right where the Curtain Call backstage stuff was shot, right here. You had Alex, no. Celesta was here and Alex was over here. And I filmed this room at least 25 fucking times for that video because I just could not get the perspectives right for some reason. Um, in reality, I just had the drawing perspectives wrong for the characters. But, yeah, it was right here. And, uh, there used to be a shitload of stuff in here. We used to have a pool table. We had a foosball table. We had an air hockey table in here at one point. A football goal post even up against this wall. Uh, ping pong table. Funny story, actually. Me and my brother were playing ping pong and I was on this side and he was on that side and the ball ricocheted off the wall there and landed in my pocket. Tell me how that's even possible. But it happened. Um, we lost a few ping pong balls over the top of the concrete here, up in that little lip in the ceiling. We lost like three ping pong balls in there, which is crazy to think that they're still back there. Lost and forgotten. Um, feel bad about that. Shit happens. But, yeah, if you remember the old DV tapes, some of the stuff was filmed in here. Um, you know, like when Matt's threatening to blow up like my family and kill my parents and shit blow up the world. That whole ending thing was shot in here. Um, you know, the tractor lawnmower is still here, still the same. Die hard. Um, then you got this here, the double doors, that's in resurrection. But, yeah, you know, when it's zooming in on the locked door, good stuff. And if I just stop and look down, this is where my life changed forever. If this didn't happen, if I didn't stab Froggy right here and tear that tendon in my finger, there would be no EGS. There wouldn't be. At least not the way it was or when it was. And to think that's where it was, somewhere in that concrete, I don't remember exactly where. I want to say it was like, maybe like right here. Because if you stop and look up here, it kind of looks like the same, but, you know, I was moving for some of the shots, but it was generally like this. Um, it's just all right here on the floor. That classic scene. That's when everything changed. So, too bad I didn't know exactly where it was. I could have put like an X on the floor. That would have been cool. So, yeah. That's extinction right there. Um, I guess I could take you outside. I have to get flip flops though so I can walk in the yard. So, let's go back this way. Um, actually no, I did a video in the yard. I don't really need to do another one. I did one back in like 2012. Not much has changed except the apple tree's gone. That's about it. So, I'll just take you back upstairs. Ugh, some fucking die hard fans are probably like, take us outside. So, yeah, back upstairs. And, uh, yeah, I guess last but not least is my room. So, this is it. Um, this poster's been here for quite a while. I never took it off just because I liked having it on there. Look cool. And without it, it would just look like a blank door and not very interesting. So, you know, Apple stickers here. Put my EGS car stickers on here and my extra ones because they were generous enough. Every time I bought car stickers from this website, they sent me two. So, that was nice. That's the old Andrew Blaze design before I even had the bull cut hair. Um, yeah, so that's going back. But, this is it guys. This is where all the magic has happened. In this room here. And this is the last time you're going to see it. So, if I close the door here, this is where the let it go poster ended up because I got so many new posters that I ran out of room. I had two frozen posters which I kind of regretted later on. It's like virtually the same Elsa pose, you know, just a little bit different. But, I just remember when mom was seeing that, she's like, that's just not right. You're a guy. You shouldn't have stuff like that. Not a guy. So, inside out, you know, that's where a lot of those update videos were filmed. Just right here, you know. You know, the old 2015 video where I'm talking about making it a gaming channel and all that, changing everything. You didn't even have these posters at the time. It looks so bare. Just, I can't picture not having posters there now. And at the time, at one time, there wasn't any. So, you got Abbey Road, the Ember poster that I made. The EGS one got moved over there for the Mackenzie and me one. But, you know, this is my bed. It's where I've slept every night, every day. I'm on night shift now, so I sleep there on the day. For a few more times, anyways. My old bed used to be over there at one point. I didn't used to always have a closet here either. Believe it or not, when we moved into this house, all the way through early middle school, my closet was right here. Pretty much exactly where that poster is for the inside out poster. I had a closet there. And, at the time, like I said, this was my parents' room. And it was just a dead-end wall here. I don't think there are really any videos that show this dead-end wall. I don't think. I don't have to really dig for footage, but, yeah, there was just a wall here. So, um, yeah, so that's crazy to think. I used to have a window over there. That was where we practiced fire drills. Don't go out that window because you'll fall to the fucking pavement. So, remember that window I showed you downstairs by, like, where the TV was? That's where that comes out. I had to block the window out because the sunlight prevented me from falling asleep. So, that's what that's all about. Um, Ember has hovered over me every single time I've gone to sleep. That's been the point of it. Watches over me as I sleep. So, yeah, that's where I used to tape my iPhone or my iPod for the sleep talk videos on top of that little headboard. It's not even really a headboard, but, you know, that's where the EGS poster got moved to. This was the first one that I made. Um, there. Now you can see it. So, that got moved over there. Um, down there is also where Froggy and the Whale are. They're carcasses, you know. Down there. So, that's where my guitar stuff is for, like, my recording stuff that I never really got to use. I used it a few times, but my iMac box for the newer one from last year. That's an old piano stool to sit on and play piano. That's back when I had my original keyboard back in elementary school. That one's long gone. My keyboard used to be against my wall over there. You know, the DV tape. I did go to high school. I did go to preschool. I did go to middle school. That was in front of this wall here. That's back when I had the keyboard there and my old radio talk show toy that you can actually hook up to a Nintendo on the radio and broadcast to the radio within, like, a mile radius. You know, I got a bunch of bowling trophies which everyone always brought up at the live streams. What are those trophies for? They're bowling trophies. Beatles and Monobox set. And basically just a bunch of extra VHS tapes and DVDs that I couldn't fit on my rack here anymore. I alphabetized this thing a few years ago and I ran out of space. So, a lot of stuff had to get moved. This is pretty much shit that's not really, really important. That's where I had the VHS tapes for my childhood, like Spy Kids, Max Keebles, Big Move, Scooby Doo, Home Alone, Home Alone 3, Home Alone 2, Dorf, Tim Conway, some Dallas Cowboys tapes and stuff. Basically a lot of tapes that we tape stuff on TV for. Yes Dear, Cornel and Bernie, The Simpsons back in the 90s. Super Bowl tapes that I taped. Like Super Bowl 38, 39, 40. So, the very tail end you can see there's some NES cartridges that I bought from Amazon. They're not my original childhood ones, unfortunately. I've got my entire Indigo League Pokemon box set at the bottom there. A bunch of stuffed animals that I still had for my childhood. I'll probably recognize some of them from the Educating a Frog video. The white bears at the very bottom. And yeah, just some stuffed animals. Nothing really much to say about that. Stuff I got in claw machines growing up. But yeah, it's just what it is. So, this needs no introduction. This has been my workspace ever since the beginning. It's always been right at this desk. It's the exact same desk. It's never changed. Now one time it was like to hold school supplies and construction paper and stuff in those drawers. And then it became my YouTube workspace. So, if you look behind it, you can see all my hard drives. Which some of them are almost like the exact same. This was my main hard drive for like EGS stuff, for my main channel stuff. The two TV one. These are all two terabyte hard drives, or terabyte hard drives. One and two. Backup one, that's the entire hard drive backup for the Mac. You know, it just goes in order of when I got them. TV two, that's the second one I ever got. That's when I put all the gaming footage on. There's a third one next to that. My original terabyte hard drive failed. And I lost everything on it, so that was nice. But it wasn't anything that I didn't have saved, fortunately. But yeah, this was the main one for modern stuff. So, all the flash stuff from like EGS is in there. Stuff that I just had to free up to get off of my main hard drive to keep putting new stuff on. Because my hard drives kept getting full. And that happened again the other day, I had to start deleting stuff. So, it's always fun. My phone, which has me and Mackenzie on there. Please go down and turn on the pull switch. Make me. Yeah, I'm my own wallpaper. Yeah. Me and Mackenzie, so I get to see her every time I get to look at the clock. I always see her. It's always nice. This pen was for my drawing tablet, which I just put down on this drawer, literally like an hour ago. Yeah, just in here you got a bunch of discs and you know what that is. You know, just a bunch of discs and DVDs. Soundtracks that I bought from video games and stuff. Yeah, here's where I used to keep my girl razor. Still have some razors in here. You know, my little pony stuff. It comes with the DVDs. Friendship games. Sticky notes from working on EGS projects. Like back when I used to motion tween everything, that's what all those numbers are for. The Westboro High Massacre kill list order. If you want to get a look at that. I pretty much did get to kill everyone off that I wrote on here. But yeah, that's what that was. There's sticky notes all over the place for that video. Still have them. But yeah, just some reminders. My gun lock, which I never used because I don't need to. Camera information. The Unleash the Candy checklist of stuff that I had to fix. You know, basically what's in there. So just a bunch of random stuff. I have old computer games in there from my childhood days. I always have a TV tray here. Just where I put my notes or when I eat, you know, air freshener. The pen that I was using for my journal for the last like three months. So yeah, it's just a little TV tray. That's where I put everything. I have a little end table. This used to be downstairs. By the coal burner. And yeah, this was the original iMac that edited everything from 2011 through 2016. So I owe that thing a lot. That was my first big gift to myself. This was the newer one. So it's a little bit different. The 2011 iMac had the CD slot on the side and the SD card port and all that. This doesn't have anything. So you can see everything goes into the back of this thing and into this little contraption. Splitter, whatever you want to call it. That's where all my hard drives go into. You know, I have my EGS mouse pad, which you've seen before. That's an old one. It's back when I had some of the old character models still. Alex, her top was blue at the time. Looks a little white on the camera, but it's blue. So yeah, it's pretty cool. I tried making a second one, then they rejected me for copyrights. So that sucked. But yeah, my Xbox games are back in there. I still have my Dino Crisis game out that I bought again a few years back. I beat that game like 30 fucking times. My favorite Nintendo game of all time, Banjo-Kazooie. It's always sat there pretty much. My NES, my PS2 from 2004. My Xbox and my DVD VHS player. Got more Xbox games in there. That's the printer that scanned all my journals in. Got a PlayStation games in there for PS1. I have an Atari flashback console under there too. See, there's the joysticks for it. That didn't get used too much. I got that like four years ago for Christmas, which it was still fun though. I got to play old school Atari games. This needs no introduction. You know what this is. You know what this is, the Legend of Ember-Free. The Legend of Everfree spoof art that I did. That's the original one. Never got to print a second one out. I've left the updated one. There was no point. I had a week to live at the time. If we look down, this is where all that liquid latex shit got on the floor. Yeah, I got ammunition here that won't ever get used. That's from the 250 round case that I bought the other week. This is the bag I'm going to use. It has all the ammunition in it. I have clubs. I have slugs in this slot there. There's Mackenzie. See the duct tape. Mackenzie always sits there in the gun holster. Right now Rachel's under my bed. She's loaded too, which I keep forgetting. I have like six slugs. Not slugs, six shells in her. Yeah, my dresser, which I go to every night. It's full of shit. Got my camera monitor here. Camera monitor, a Harpy Yu-Gi-Oh card that I bought. Some spare change that was just meant to be like a little storage container for money. My wristbands from over the years. I wore this back in the Furby video, 2012. That's the Tom Lynch Nathan Wills wristband. The Rest in Peace one. This was from back in like 2011. This was 2012. Yeah, that's one thing I've mentioned before is I always have the wristband on. I've wore it every year from 2010, pretty much up until now. I think 2010, but yeah, 2010 through now. Every single day, every single night. The only time I've ever taken it off is when I've had surgery. So, yeah. It's a black wristband like Ember has, except hers is a bracelet, you know, but it says Pioneer's Productions on the top and EGS on the bottom. Got my little pony beanie babies that I bought from the store. Got the whole collection. Even the little tiny ones, so not every single one of those, but I just couldn't find all of them. That's Bruno's collar. Bruno Boy. Pioneer's Productions wristband that I made for the anthology giveaway, which never happened. I sent the rest of them to Hailey and she cut them up, so fuck you. This is a bowling medal. Nothing special. What do you call it? Fuck. What do you call those old cameras? I thought they started with a P. Damn it, this is gonna kill me now. What do you call it? The cameras that take the picture and it prints out. I can't remember the name of it. That's what that is, though. Got a bulletin board up here full of cowboys and Pioneer's tickets, Beatles postcard that I got in Cleveland, Ohio on our senior trip. I got another picture of Bruno there. Man, I can't remember the name of that fucking camera. That sucks. Whatever. I'm not gonna kill myself over it. Movie tickets. We have Ted, Dark Knight Rises, Inside Out, Scream 4, Jackass 3D, Halloween 2, that monstrosity. I have a Jeff Ross ticket, the comedian. He came to the Kirby Center back in 2013. He even retweeted me on Twitter afterwards. Jeff Dunham ticket from 2008. December 2008. New York Yankee tickets. The final season at Yankee Stadium. Cowboy tickets at the bottom there. My James Rolfe autographed AVGN movie poster. See, he signed the top of it. That used to be over my computer for the longest time. Then I got the Dazzlings poster, so I made that one. I didn't make the vectors or anything. I just got it from the internet, but I made it in Photoshop. This one is a legit My Little Pony poster. Bought that. Friendship Games official poster. It's just very fragile like paper. You could just tear it. All these you could, but these are framed. I wish I had the Amber one framed, but that's back when I didn't want to spend a lot of money. It's like 25 bucks for a fucking picture frame. A poster frame, rather. I got another bowling trophy here, but somewhere on here. Tony Romo autographed this, believe it or not, right here. Hell, I'll show it to you. It's covered in dust, but of course I need to focus on it. It's not doing it, but that's Tony Romo's autograph. Back when he was the backup. This is from 2005. That's when Vinny Testa Verdi was the quarterback for the Cowboys. See ya. $2 bill. Polaroid camera. That's what I'm thinking of. These are Polaroid cameras. Yeah, Polaroid photos. I got Yu-Gi-Oh stickers here from my childhood, but I just finally peeled off half a year ago and put them here. This is from Mallory Suzanne, who voiced Sydney Secor. She sent me this back in 2013 after all that shit happened to me, you know? Normally I would never scroll through Facebook messages to find an address that I thought I would never need. I felt like a complete stocker-ish move when I did, but fuck it. You stocked my dreams anyway. It seemed like you needed some motivation when I watched your last video, and although I am a writer, I'm not too good with cheesy peppy. It's gonna be okay shit. And just my opinion, motivational words like that can make a person feel worse sometimes. So accept this gift as a motivational speech, a Christmas present, a wall decoration, or even as a random gift from the post office. Do whatever you want with it. I don't care. Just remember that besides me, there are over 9,000 subscribers that enjoy your videos. And if there has to be a ridiculous pause throughout production, so be it. Your true fans will stick around for more, dude. Happy holidays, Mallory Suzanne. PS, I swear to never mail anything without permission again. This was more of a no for myself, but I guess I'll just leave it. So I've had it here ever since I got it. Just taped it right to the wall here on my closet so I get to see it every day. She made this for me as well, Pioneer's Productions. And this one, which has...it's hard to see, but in the middle it says fuck. And it's full, completely with quotes from my videos. Shazum from James. When you go to sleep, is there some sort of magical transition that happens because I'm fucking 20 and I've never witnessed it. Eh, who cares? I'm gonna kill you, Rain. I'm gonna stomp you to death. That's from 2009. Bill Gates, you fucking asshole. 2010. There's someone yelling photosynthesis outside. This doesn't make sense. What the fuck? Fucking bitch. Fuck, what the fuck? Get on the fucking... Get on the fucking T, you motherfucking... ...horr, god damn it. Fucking... What the hell? Just a bunch of random quotes. I think I just came. It is retarded, it is stupid, it is anal covered, snow-dukey jackass shit. Randy's finally lost it, lost what is balls. You wanna watch me jerk off? That was a James quote. I took a shit and shoved it up his ass. That was a The Iron Make Me Bad video. About a month ago, I woke up to a hole in my pants. I've always thought that decks of cards are packs of cigarettes, but they always let me down. I'll just do a couple more quick. Don't call me sweet cheeks. You stop fucking masturbating. Unless you have a one-touch can opener, you're fucked. Oh man. Where the fuck are my pickles? That's a weird word. Lamp. Lamp. Lamp. This is fucking horseshit. So many quotes. Well, I ran over a crack act on my way here. That was James. What's not to get? I'm a talking horse head on a stick, bitch. Yeah, and I shit pie crust. That's a good one to end on. So, yeah, last but not least is the closet. My camera's actually overheating at the temperature meter going off. Not a lot to say. This is where Welcome to the Squad was shot. And the ending shot was...the camera was in the closet. Excuse me, the camera was in the closet facing out this way. This way, and I got my old splint up there from the first surgery and just a whole bunch of shit in here that none of you are even gonna know what it is besides this jacket and stuff. So, I got the amnesia rape flannel in there and just a bunch of old clothes that I don't wear anymore. The old Ember mug is back in there for my Black Ops 2 emblem. Bottle's a beer that I got over the years before I was 21. And, you know, a bunch of old elementary school stuff in here and strategy guides for video games and all my shoes from over the years that I still have. So, you'll recognize some of these back when I had the Converse shoes, you know. And, uh, yeah. So, not a hell of a lot to say. The Santa hat's up there from the crazy Christmas maniacs still. The very top shelf there. My elementary school journal. So, that's where I kept my camera lenses and stuff. And, you know, it's just a closet. So, that's really all there is to show you besides this drawer here. And that's it. This is where I kept my journal the entire time. See, this is the second one and I have the first one there. But, you know, if you open it up, I'll show you the last one I just wrote, which was today. This was the last time I was going to write in it and I just wrapped it up. So, I don't know if I can do this for the camera styles recording. This is the last entry right here. And, yeah, this is where it ends. So, I wish I started doing these journals long ago, but that's what it was. I have Jared's book in here. Friday Night Cranks, Prankaholic. My old Gameboy ESP, which has Pokemon Red in it. My speed drawings that I did for that video, if anyone remembers those. My iPhone 5 is still in here. This is four and a half years old. Comeback Song Storyboard. It's interesting. So, yeah, not a hell of a lot to say. My contact lenses are in there too. My old headphones, just random stuff. So, that's that. Just a bunch of random shit under there that doesn't really matter. And, yeah, so this is it guys. This is the last time you'll see this room. And, it's really sad. It is. So, yeah, I guess I'll end this. So, who would have thought? Who would have thought? Have a good one, guys.
 
 
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