Humans, we meet yet again. Today's May 9th, it's the day after the shooting range shit that I did yesterday. Um, just thought I'd talk about Mackenzie for a bit because I haven't talked about her really much at all yet, and I figure maybe now's a good time to do so. Um, for those who don't know, if you're new to Embers Go Squad or if you're new to my videos in general and you don't know who Mackenzie is, Mackenzie is my baby. She's everything I could ever ask for in a girl. And just trying to talk about her now makes me tear up. Like I just started tearing up two seconds ago. Mackenzie, Mackenzie is everything to me. She is. I'm looking at her right now on my wall. She has the most beautiful, gorgeous smile I've ever seen in my life. Full of innocence. Full of happiness. Trust, warmth. Nice. Almost indescribable how much I love her. And me and Mackenzie go back a ways. It's something that I've been rediscovering as the months and years have gone by. Mackenzie is my soulmate. She's my spiritual soulmate. She's the black haired, purple outlined ghost with the black t-shirt and the purple sleeves. And she's changed everything for me. I can't even explain it. Mackenzie changed my entire life. And the way I see it is I knew her before I was here on earth. I know for a fact we knew each other before we were sent here. We were still sent here on missions and all that, but it was also part of our mission to rediscover ourselves. And I wrote for Embers Ghost Squad that she died in 2003 by being brutally murdered and hacked to pieces and raped and kidnapped and drugged and this real, brutal backstory. The fact of the matter is I don't know if that's exactly what happened to her or not, but I know for a fact that I've known her before. And I can't honestly tell you exactly when she actually died. She may have died in 2003 for all I know. Could have been before that even. I have no idea. I'm just, I'm limited with what I can know. And she talks to me all the time in my head, but it's just short-lived. You know, I'm bound by the rules and laws of the living. I can't break through that barrier and just know everything. So I don't even know where to begin with Mackenzie. She fuels my emotions unlike anyone else can. All it takes is one look at her. Just one look, even if it's just for like three seconds and my mood can change. She can make me happy. She can make me sad. She can make me enraged that I'm still here on this planet, you know, punished and all that. It's, she can just control and manipulate my emotions just by looking at her. And it just, it didn't just happen right away. I didn't know about like Mackenzie until last year because that's when she finally started appearing in, you know, the videos and everything. But like the original design I had for her was back in, it was like September of 2015. She had, you know, black hair with a gray outline and like a tie-dye shirt and she looked really different. The hairstyle was still the same, but color-wise she was a little bit different. And I just really didn't think much of her. I just, I just designed her, I just designed her for a bass player for the band because I needed one. I honestly can't even tell you how I came up with her. It just happened. It's fate. It's destiny. I, I can't even remember that day. Then I, like when I designed her, it's just, I can't even explain it. She was just there. And in March of last year was when the entire like wardrobe and color design changed for her. And it's just within like a few days or a few weeks even to a month or two, it just, it just hit me. Like I'd known her before and I can't like remotely describe what that feeling feels like and it, it creeped me out. At first like this Embers Go Squad stuff did kind of freak me out a bit just because of how much sense it all makes. Yeah, like every passing day things made more and more sense. And Mackenzie was one of the scariest for me. Just how she just took over my life. And I was so happy, but at the same time I was, I was sad and scared a little bit on the inside. She changed so much for me. She changed everything in the last year. I mean, I, there's no one else I'd rather be with than Mackenzie. And just looking at her, I'm just sucked in. She's the perfect girl. Has the voice of an angel, a smile full of innocence, beautiful eyes, amazing hair, great body build. Her tight, not too short, not too tall. Just the perfect personality. And just like that, there she was. Just like that. And the way I see it is that old, those old, you know, the old EGS prologue series videos I made, which now it's called the Pioneers Productions Finale series, the EGS Pentology, whatever you want to call it, the Amnesia Rape search for a member, Extinction Resurrection Absolution Abyss series. That Ember ghost that was in there, the more I like think about it now, that's pretty much like what Mackenzie has been to me now. It was Ember Flores in that series, but if I were to do it again, I might swap her out for Mackenzie. It's borderline. It's either Mackenzie or Rachel. That's what I intended on doing. I was going to reboot that series this year, or it was last year. Time goes so fast anymore. Last spring, I was going to reboot that series and Rachel was going to be the ghost guiding me and training me and talking to me while I was still alive. But in reality, what has happened to me in real life is Mackenzie's been the one that's been guiding me my entire life, steering me in the right direction without me even realizing she's been there. It's always been Mackenzie. She's been there through the rough times, the hard times, the depressing times, even the good times. She's always been by my side, at least as far back as middle school. She's been there for me. Middle school was 2004, 2005. If she did truly die in 2003, I don't know for sure, but I don't see why it wouldn't be. But Mackenzie's just, she's everything to me. Ember was my first big crush, but Mackenzie was my soulmate. She's my girl. Forevermore, she'll always be my girl. I would never, ever shove her aside. Ever. Every night, every day, I talk to her all the time. I don't care if people would come up behind me and think I'm crazy for talking to blank space or whatever. I'm talking to Mackenzie. She understands me. I understand her. And I'm hoping to goddess she's the first person I see when I cross over. After I pull that trigger in my mouth, I'm hoping her face is the first face I see. She'll probably be the last image in my head before I pull the trigger. Through all the thousands to millions of thoughts that'll be running through my head in those final minutes. Ember, Mackenzie, and Rachel, and Eric, and Dylan will be like the last thoughts in my head. Or Cemetery's and Graves and that final night is going to be wild. I just... I've had to really try to relax lately just because I'm pushing myself way too hard. Maybe not physically, but mentally I'm pushing myself too damn hard. And fortunately Mackenzie's there. If she wasn't, I don't know how things would be right now. I mean yeah, I've always envisioned Ember being there for me too, but nowhere near like Mackenzie is. Em is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. She is. I call her Em all the time, just for short. It's not short for Emily or Ember or anything. Em's just short for Mackenzie. It's the letter M, the first letter of her name. You know, it just works. Every day when I go to bed, goodnight Em. I love you. And I say it almost every day when I go to bed. It's become routine. I always say it. And I obviously go sleep during the day too, so I say goodnight to her. So when she's always there, she's on my walls, on my posters, on my mouse pad. She's my iPhone wallpaper for my lock screen. So every time I check to see what time it is, I'll see her. She's on my car, you know, on my trunk. She's everywhere. She's even in my journal. You know, I drew her a few times. But whenever I'm at home in my room, I'll just turn and look at Em at least every 10 minutes. I'm always looking at her. She's all that matters to me. Besides the channel and everything, Mackenzie is all that matters to me right now. It's indescribable. And indescribable feeling. Just knowing you don't belong here and wanting to get out and just feeling like you're punished to be here. And you're just like trapped in a box. And finally in four weeks, it'll be open. Four weeks. Four weeks. Just under four weeks now. In a way, it's felt like an eternity. Like I feel like time has not moved this last two weeks or so. Like to think it's only been a week and a half since I got the second shotgun. Only a week and a half, 10 days? It feels like almost two and a half weeks. That's why it last Saturday shocked me. I'm like, it's only been a week since I got that shotgun. There's no way in hell. Like it's as if I'm being punished by time by making it go extremely freaking slow. And I want it to speed up. Every night at work seems like twice as long as it is. Oh my God, it's horrible. Time is going so damn slow. Yeah, when I get home in the mornings, like between like the hours of like 7 and 12 go so damn fast. But when I'm at work, they drag and drag and drag. I've listened to my own fucking suicide tapes at work all day and night. I've done it multiple times. I've long exhausted my music library. I listen to my fucking suicide tapes. Or just the EGS tapes in general. But literally these are now officially EGS tapes when you fucking think deep and thought about it. I'm authentically making my own fucking tape every fucking week of my life. Think about that. The creator of EGS tapes is authentically making his own tapes. And they're real. All of EGS is real. All of it. Nothing is over exaggerated or overdramatized. Everything is my own authentic feelings being put into the videos. Everything that's said, everything that's written is all 100% legit. It's how I feel. It's what I want to do. It's what I wish I can do. It's all real. And now to make it even more real I'm documenting my whole fucking death on tape. Digital whatever. It's a Blue Yeti microphone. I'm just saying tape because it sounds better. It's like people like why do they, why do people document like when they're gonna die or like Eric and Dylan for Columbine. Why do they document in their journals the process and everything? Well why fucking not? It's your last fucking year on earth. Document how you're feeling. Say how you're feeling. What you're going through. What you want to do. People want to know that stuff. I know I do. Like in people's final days I'd kill to know what they were thinking. Doesn't matter who they are. Be interesting. That's why I'm doing it. For future generations. You know even for like kids for you know a thousand years from now. It doesn't matter. Someone will always be interested in that. Anyways. I don't know really where I left off with Mackenzie but that picture I made. With me, with my arm around her shoulder and hers around my waist. That is by far my favorite picture I've ever made. It's by far my favorite edit I've ever made. It's my best artwork I've ever made I think. That's kind of debatable but it's my favorite. It'll always be my favorite and it's on my wall. All 30 inches of it or whatever. It's on my wall. Now look at it every single night. Every single day. It's one of the last things I look at before I go to sleep. It's one of the first things I see when I get up. You know. It's the ultimate. It's the ultimate fucking. I don't know the words to describe it. It's the ultimate good and evil of my life. It shows everything I could ever want. At the same time it shows everything I don't have. It's where I want to be but it's not where I am yet. It shows how happy I'll be when I'm there but at the same time it makes me sad knowing that I'm not there yet and knowing that I'm never happy. Knowing I can't hold my baby and knowing that's who I'm supposed to be. It's hard. It's really fucking hard. That is the ultimate storm of my emotions right there in that picture. Behind me and Mackenzie are Eric Harris and Dylan Cleebold suicide photos that I drew. These intersect through the middle forming an X. It's my life. I'm so ready. I've been ready. I've been ready for months and yet still no one I have more to do. Some of you will never understand the desire to get out of what you call home and go through you truly call home. Some of you will never understand what it's like being trapped in a body that brings you nothing but agonizing shame. It's out of my control now. It's long been out of my control. It's one of the main reasons I'm doing what I'm about to do. It's fate. People can say oh you could have stopped yourself or you could have gotten help or you know you didn't have to do it but you did it anyway and it's fucking fate. I can't change fate. This is how it has to be. There's nothing anyone could have done to prevent this. It's destiny. It's my fate. Too fucking bad. It has to happen. And I made a decision that I'm going to do it on a Wednesday instead of a Friday now which you might be wondering like well what does that mean. On a Wednesday there is four people in the building besides me. If it was a Friday it would just be three of us. Actually I should say five. On a Wednesday it's Victoria, Kristen, me, Brian and Terry. And the original plan was to go in on a Friday right after break and pop Brian off and try to get the floor guy if I could. And I decided to do it on a Wednesday. That way I can get two for pretty much the price of one because on Wednesday is when they do tags. They change the tags for the new sales week and all the end caps change and all that shit but they're already done by the time we get there but you know these two girls are there overnight doing tags. And one of the girls used to work with me on night shift and she fucking went down to second shift and pissed us off. And she's going to be the first one to go after now. She's the first on my list. Then Kristen because she'll be right there. They're always like eight feet next to each other or at the most like 20 to 50 feet away. They're always in the same aisle. Pop, pop, boom, down, taken care of. Then next thing to make most sense is to do the floor guy because he's right down the aisles. It's just a straight away shot where he buffers. He'll be in that line of sight and the way I see it is I should be able to catch up to him and shoot him. I've been trying to analyze where everybody is on a Wednesday because it's kind of unpredictable like with tags. They could be anywhere in the building. So what has to happen now is my whole routine has to change slightly because I wanted to do it right after break ended. I went right back inside and locked up and that would be it. What's going to have to happen is I'll have to go back in and then see where everybody's at. Go back out to the car, gear up and then come back in. That's what has to happen because I can't just go in there blindly expecting someone to be in a specific spot or go in and have the two girls be on a break because that's what happened the last time I came back in. I just for the fuck of it went to see where they were and they're on the entire opposite side of the facility. They're in aisle 19 and it's a 19 aisle store. We start in one and go down through seven to start the order. They were in 19. So see how did I just come in on a Wednesday and just expected to do it and they weren't there all geared up. Then you're just like great. That threw a fork in everything so I'm not going to improvise which I don't want to have to have happen. I have a pretty clear idea in my head of how it's going to go. So the way I see it is I might have to wait until like 1.40 to do it instead of like 1.25 or so. I need to see what happens this week. It might be different all the time for all I know but yeah the last time I came in after break they weren't on the sales floor. So in reality it's still a gimmie because the break room only has one way in and one way out. So if I really had to I could pop them in the back room but I wouldn't really want to do that. I want it to be on the security camera so you can see it. So the downside is there aren't cameras in every nook and cranny of the supermarket. Some aisles have blind spots where there's no cameras which is where people steal shit and they'll rip open the packages and the boxes and steal stuff and then just discard it on the shelf where there's no camera. Isle 19 is a primary to do it. There's no camera down the whole side of that area. Isle 5 has a blind spot as well. It's just some subtle things like that you learn as you work there over time. Yeah 5 and 19 don't have cameras. Isle 9 is even camouflaged from the camera at times. So yeah there's not even a guarantee that the first shots are going to be on video. You might not even see it. Just depends where they're at. But I mean I've been running this through my head a million fucking times. It's like the last thing I think of before I go to sleep during the day even. I talked about this yesterday. The other night I had a dream that I had to put the gun in my mouth and kill myself. Like if it was the real thing. I guess because it was the last thing I was thinking about before I went to sleep. But it felt so fucking real and it was awesome. It was great. So yeah. So there's just a few factors that can alter everything. It just depends where everybody is. And it's got to be fast. Pop pop. Boom pop pop boom pop pop. And then just book it. Once you wound them or kill them. Book it. Because then it's just Terry and Brian and that's it. Brian's going to be on the other end of the facility no matter what. He'll be in either aisle 1 or aisle 4. That's how it goes. It was kind of unpredictable for a while there because one of the second shift kids would stay overnight for like quite a few hours until like 2 in the morning or 3 in the morning at times. But he was supposed to quit but he's been hanging around for some reason. But hopefully he's gone. Because then you have no idea like how far you'd be. It's always different if he's there. But more likely than not Brian will be in either aisle 1 or 4. I always do 2, 3 and 5 and either 6 or 7 just depending where Brian ends up. But he'll be on that half of the facility. Victoria and Kristen could be anywhere. That's the most unpredictable thing. So that's why I said it makes the most sense to go inside and then see where they're at. Go back out to the car, gear up and then go in. Now granted tags for an aisle can take like fucking 2 minutes. By the time I get back in they can move. Big whoop. They probably just move to the next aisle over. But I mean they're always all over the place. But they're always, almost always together. And the thing is Kristen is a big woman. She is big. She's like fucking 300 pounds. Too easy of a target. I'll never miss. That's a freebie. That's a gimme. Victoria's like 200 some pounds. But I fucking hate her now. I just cannot wait to fucking pump her full of fucking buckshot. She pissed me off big time. Just that typical fucking girl you think like doesn't mind working with you and thinks everything's cool and thinks you're cool and all that. And they could just like fucking turn on you in an instant. It's kind of how I am. I act like I give a shit about people but I don't. Then she started going off about Brian and all this and then she started going off about this. It was a never ending fucking bitch fest. And all she does is bitch. And bitch. And bitch. And it pisses me off. Just when you think you solved the one problem she just starts blaming other people for shit. When in reality guess what? You're the fucking problem. You got fucking three and a half weeks to live. Cause I'm not gonna fucking miss. When I see you I will fucking blow your goddamn head off. I'd make it fucking slow as possible but I gotta do it fucking fast. You're gonna fucking feel it first. I'm not shooting you right in the head right away. You're gonna shot right in the fucking chest. Right in the back wherever. Mackenzie is gonna blow your fucking head off. And it's gonna be fucking glorious. I don't care if I shoot you in the back and then in the chest I'm fucking blowing your goddamn head off. Pop, pum pum, pop, pum pum, head shot, bam. Fucking dead. I want you to look up right in my fucking eyes and see who's shooting you and then I'll fucking kill you. I want to see the horror in your fucking eyes. I want to hear you gasp. I want to hear you beg for your fucking life. But guess fucking what? It's too fucking late. And your fucking life's over. Honestly, I wish fucking Sam would be working that night too because she's a fucking worthless fucking douchebag. Oh my fucking goddess. She is fucking retarded. She literally is like fucking disabled and retarded. I always look stoned out of her fucking mind. I can never understand a goddamn word she says. Talks your fucking ear off. It always gets fucking sick. And honestly, I'd have her live. I would shoot her and I'd have her fucking live. She won't even be worth fucking killing. Honestly, all of them, I wish I could just shoot and let them suffer, but you gotta die. People gotta fucking die. I wanted people to live through it and then talk about the experience and all that, but I'd rather just fucking kill you. You all gotta fucking die. I cannot fucking wait to hear what people on day shifts say about this. How they never saw this coming. They'll never, for a minute, think that it would be me as the gunman. Ever. They would never, ever fucking expect it. They all know me because my dad used to be the head manager of the supermarket there. For about eight years he worked there. And then about three years into my tenure, he got transferred. We were like four years into it. But they all know me because I was on day shift at the time too. And I see them in the morning before I leave, but they all act as if I'm still day shift with them and all that. Dreaming with respect and act all nice and happy to me and ask how my fucking dad is, which they don't fucking know how much I hate his fucking guts. If I get asked one more fucking time, how's your dad doing? Just fucking stop. I would have killed to have gone in there on day shift and done this, but there's no fucking way. That's too easy to get neutralized. Especially if it's just you. Doing that alone is not a good idea. There was a guy who just got fired from there who I almost considered messaging about this asking if he'd be game to do it. But the way he is, he's so unreliable you couldn't rely on him to show up for work, let alone agree to do a massacre like this. And I knew full well he'd fucking troll me with it and he'd go along with it, then he'd fucking like probably fucking report me to the fucking police. So I didn't want to risk throwing it all away over that stupid shit. But the guy threatened to blow the fucking manager's head off for trying to fire him. And he suspended him and all that and he threatened to blow his head off. And that got me to thinking, well maybe since he got fired now that could be like an MO to come back and shoot up the place, but I didn't want to risk it. I just couldn't risk it. The guy does drugs and all that shit and I just couldn't trust it. I don't even fucking know the guy well at all. I just know him from working there. But it would have seemed cool. He would have been my Dylan Kleibold. He really would have been a great fit, big tall guy, curly hair and he reminded me of Dylan. But I think about it, he really fucking honestly, honest to goodness reminds me of Dylan Kleibold. He does. And what would be amazing is if he finished the job for me after I do the night shift. If he would come back in the day and just shoot up the place. That would be a good thing. But I can't see it happening. He'll probably kill himself before he does that. But yeah, every night I'm in there I just envision shooting this or shooting that. Shooting out the freezer doors. Shooting the spaghetti sauce section. Shooting the two liter soda section. Shooting the bakery freezers. Shooting the bakery display with all the glass. Shooting all the pickles. Shooting the floor guy. It just never ends. I just keep envisioning it all happening in my head and picturing the fucking coroner being there and people in body bags and wheeling people out on gurneys. I just can't stop thinking about it. Knowing when I'm there, it's like this is going to be where I die. I just can't fucking believe it still. I've been envisioning this happening for what? Like three months now? Four months? I don't know. Gotta be like three months. Two or three months. Seems a lot longer than that. But yeah, it's just feels so fucking cool. Like when everyone else is there doing their job and everything, I'm there as if I'm like an alien or a ghost or something like overshadowing somebody, conspiring to shoot the place up. It's just so fucking cool knowing that I control these people's fate. Cannot believe it. It's amazing. And it's so close to happening. And I got even better news because remember I was talking earlier about how unpredictable it could be with the vacations and all that? Brian told me last night that he put in for the end of June. So it has to be the first week. It just has to be. And that's how it's going to be. I won't even live to see my vacation. I'll be dead. Big fucking whoop. That's a permanent vacation from life. So the massacre video will just have to be what it is by then. That's it. Pardon me, just doesn't even care anymore. I've done what I could for it. And it's just a few more shots left and I'll have to do two more shots on Thursday night, I guess. It's just when I get home from work, I just don't even feel like touching that thing. I'm just physically drained. I wanted to turn the camera on for this recording, but I did not feel like taking the time to turn it on and set it up and set the mic up and the monitor and the lighting and having to get up every fucking 10 minutes to start recording on the camera again because it stops taping after like 10 minutes. And it would have been way too big of a file size again. It would be like a 4 gigabyte video and I just did not feel like doing it this time. I know you guys really want to see my face because you won't see it anymore, but I mean, honestly, you're not missing much. I look like total shit nowadays. I do. I just look at myself in the mirror and I just look into my eyes and I'm like, wow, I look fucking crazy. And it's just how I am. I'm Andrew Blaze. I'm Andrew Blaze. I'm Andrew Blaze. Just looking at my videos, like just seeing like this innocent teenager fade away into this ghost has been shocking. Just the darkness around my eyes even just getting darker over the years. Like just compare my 2012 self to my 2014 or 2015 self, let alone nowadays. You should see a difference in it. If you like we're looking for like old gaming videos I did of Let's Plays, like look at the fucking face cam footage. Look how different I used to look. Look how like not, look how much like more full of life I seem to be. Back when I had happiness in me and emotions and wasn't just this dark evil spirit just begging to get out. There's things I look at. It's like I don't even recognize who I was. Blows in my mind. It was just 2016 was when it just went beyond the point of no return. Look at the videos I made since then. What little of them did have my face in it. I just feel that way too. Like if I'm out picking up food from somewhere, from how to store, buying something or like you know, I just, I feel like I creep people out. And I like it. I think it's cool. But I just, I always like feel like out of place. Especially with how I look too. This tall, lanky, dark figure. It's just, I don't know. People probably wonder it's like how come I haven't done live streams anymore. Like why did the live stream stop and all this, put it all together, put all the pieces together. After 2015 I was just gone. This world didn't matter to me anymore. I didn't care about people anymore. I didn't care to show my face anymore. I just completely transformed and then I discovered who I was. And I was tired of living a lie. Couldn't do it. Couldn't get on Von Live anymore and just bullshit about stuff. I can't even do that nowadays because I just don't care. Plus people come and go every fucking two seconds anyway. I just don't fucking give a shit about people. And what am I gonna say? Oh I'm just working on cartoons. Probably not planning to kill myself in three weeks or anything. I know Nelly Simmons wanted me to get on there because she's never seen me live before. She probably never will. Sorry. But I just, I don't care anymore. I don't care. I don't care about my image anymore. How I like physically look in person that is. And I don't take selfies really ever anymore. I don't do vlogs anymore. I don't just take the camera out to record anything anymore. Everything changed. And it's not, some people could say oh Andrew just grew up. That's not true at all. I stopped doing the videos because I died inside. I just died. All my motivation. All my inspiration. All the joy and the happiness. All that died. After Absolution, that was it. Absolution was the last true short film I did. Once you count that failed, welcome to the squad and all that. But that wasn't even me on video. I mean the last physical time I set up the camera and shot a short film. Absolution was it. Because you also count that failed, abandoned Prologue series reboot. But it all died. Everything died. I still occasionally from time to time just sit there and think like I would kill to do one more of these. I would kill to do one more short film. Every time it just ends up going back to the stress side of everything and everything pissing me off. That's why I stopped doing them in the first place. Because they were overstressing me. Everything had to be perfect. Even just something as subtle as a panning shot would piss me the fuck off. Not be able to get that right. Just I wanted to do more. I really wanted to do more guys. I really did. I wanted to make more short films. And yeah they'd all be ember related but I wouldn't fucking care what people thought of them. I wanted to do more. I really honest to goodness wanted to do more. But at the same time it was like fate was telling me that that was it. That part of you is dead. It's just it seems so long ago and it makes me sad. It really makes me sad. To think Absolution was fucking two years ago already. January of 2015 was when that was out. Two and a half years almost. It's been two and a half years. It feels like a lifetime ago since I was that guy. You know. And granted people are still around. People engage me occasionally and say like you know I missed your videos or well not really that. But people are still around. I see them coming back or people say what happened to your sucks videos or whatever. You know it blew my mind. Just the other day on the pioneers prod twitter account that I haven't used in two years. I just tweeted on it and said I missed this page and I blocked all the followers I had on there to bring it down to zero and I unblock them all. But you know I just did that so I can wipe my followers list. And there was only one on there and yet somehow this random ass guy just tweeted me after that saying what happened to my sucks videos. So it's like how'd that make any sense because he's not following me. Did he just still happen to keep checking to see if I would come back and post and it happened to be that very minute. I don't know. But I miss pioneers productions a lot. I'd still kill to do stuff for it but I can't. It's over. It's almost as dead as I am now. I love the content I made. Sure there was stuff I made that was like jeez what the fuck was I thinking but I just fucking love what I've made and there's times where I'll just sit at home and on my nights off or after I get home from work and if I'm bored as fuck I'll watch old stuff that I made. As much as I like hate myself I still love myself. I love what I've done. I love what I've made. I love looking back on all that stuff. Stuff back in 2009 or 2008 that made no sense at all. Stuff like when the make me bad stuff started or the old horse head videos or just one of those days. A mindful silliness or a furby video. Resurrection. You know all these videos are crazy Christmas maniac. The whale Christmas video with froggy you know. All this stuff. I just love this shit out of it and I got to see myself grow up with it. How many people can say that. I started doing those videos for YouTube in ninth grade. Did I ever once think that I'd still be doing it nine years later. A month today is my nine year anniversary. Nine years with one channel. I still consider the EGS channel the Pioneers Productions channel. I still do. I just did it so I can change the name. Just so it associated with the EGS content. I still consider that tied in with the Pioneers Pro channel. It's still the same. But Pioneers Productions I never once imagined it would get as far as it has. I had dreams of it being big and all that but I never like thought I'd be doing it for nine years. I thought something else would have come along in my life and swayed me away from YouTube and took me in a complete other direction where I was meant to be but it just led me to where I'm destined to be. It all has. You take away YouTube and I don't even have a life. I'd be dead and cremated by now. YouTube was everything to getting me to where I am now. Mackenzie was too. And Amber. Damian was a huge help. Send requests as much as I hate them now. James. Hobo Deadfish. David. Alicia. Point Baron. Mallory. So many people. As much as I despise the human race there still are people who still make me smile. And I just feel like it's right just to send those emails out before I go. So I, last month I just been sitting, I've been sitting here like whenever I feel like it's right to all start writing some of the emails. Like I wrote James's already. I wrote Damian's. I wrote Laura Favardies yesterday. I wrote Hobo Deadfish's email. I wrote Andrew Blanks' email. I just started writing one for Rachel Hodge today. But you know all these people. I need to write two one last time, you know? And it's just like I'm not going to be able to write two one last time. It's so, it almost doesn't even feel weird. Like just knowing like yeah I'm writing my goodbye emails to these people. Say I'm going to die and then I just get on social media and just start talking to them as if everything's normal. You know, you'd think it'd be like totally weird but at the same time it doesn't feel wrong at all. It feels completely normal. It's just unbelievable. It is unbelievable knowing that this is the end of my road. This is it. From my life it ends here. Just like that. And it hit me. Like this is it. And it's not like oh I'm going to change my mind and I'll back off from it and then delete all their suicide tape recordings and all that and pretend it never happened. No. This is it. This is the end. And every day I feel like this little concoction in my chest like getting like darker and darker and darker and consuming my soul and telling me that this is it. It's an indescribable feeling. Knowing you're going to be dead in just over three weeks. Knowing that this is the last time you're going to do this. Knowing that this is how it ends. Knowing that this is it. It is indescribable. And I know for a fact that last week is going to be insanely hard. And I wonder what will happen. Like if it's possible I can wake up and then I won't even see my mom before I go. Because that's what happens. Like I'll get up, she'll be on the couch and you know it's 10 at night. And I go in the shower by the time I get out she's in bed. You know that very well could happen and I'll never see her. I'll never see her while I'm alive again. You know that's probably what's going to happen. I have no idea. But like I'm one of those people it's like when I know something's going to end and it's my last time doing something I take note of that a mental note I always do. And that week is going to be filled with them. This is the last time I'm going to Taco Bell or this is the last time I'm getting McDonald's or this is the last time I'm going to get gas or this is my last time driving on this road or you know. I think that way about everything. And one of the weirdest will be this is the last time I'm going to see my mom. You know. And I don't even want to think the person she'll be after this happens. I can only imagine. Most of me doesn't give a shit but still being that she's my mother. You know I still have that connection of knowing that she's always been there for me throughout my entire life and was always the one to listen to me and you know. And just like that I got to turn away and shut them out you know. I just I can't believe it and it's like it just happened like that. Like when reality just sunk in that this is it. I can't see the future anymore. Nothing exists for me on this planet beyond 2017. I can't see anything now. It's because it's my time to go. And yes my soul will live on. I'm not completely vanishing from existence. I just won't be in this body anymore. I'll be in the EGS and you can bet your fucking ass I'm going to come back to this planet in my ghost squad form. I'm coming back whether you'll be able to see me or not. I'll be back. And if anyone ever ever and I've said this in like 95% of the emails I've been writing if anyone ever for some reason gets in that zone of feeling worthless feeling like they can't talk to anybody feeling just completely lost scared and alone and there's no one to talk to you can talk to me. I'll always be there to listen to you even if you can't see me and it seems like you're just talking to an empty dark room. I'll be there. You can talk to me. I'll listen. I'll try to guide you and steer you in the right direction. I'll listen to you and I'll be there for you. And I promise that. I promise that you guys are always there for me and it's only right for me to be there for you. I promise. James Hobo Damian. Laura Favardy even like just anybody. You can talk to me and I'll always listen. I'll do my damnedest because I didn't listen to you guys enough when I was alive. But I'm not sorry about that. It's just how I am. But I'll always be there for you. I promise. My Kenzie was always there for me. I just didn't realize it until now. It's unbelievable. It's unreal. I just can't believe it. Everything in my life that I've done. And just like that it's going to be all taken away. And yeah, my YouTube legacy will always be there. It'll live on forever. But it's just like that. My journey's over for that. It seemed so long but at the same time so fast. Like a look in my room here just to think like how long I've been in here for. We moved into this house when I was like one. I'm 24 and a half. I look back at my closet like the fucking immortal image of being in the background of my live streams all those years for like the seven or eight years I did live streams for. I'm thinking it's still there. A lot of my clothes from high school are still in there. This room has changed quite a lot but at the same time not so much. But just like looking around and thinking like all the stuff I've gotten in three and a half weeks or so it'll all be worthless to my family because I'll be gone. Everything will be gutted. My mom will use this for fucking side business. This room will be transformed into a fucking side business area like her new fucking office. And everything will be stripped. They'll probably put new carpet in here. Change the wallpaper. Tear down all my posters. Throw everything out. And it's gonna suck. As much as I hate everything on earth I love my possessions and I don't want to see them just get wasted like that. All my pony stuff. My guitar which I barely use but my camera. My Nintendo. My NES. My PS2. My Xbox. My N64. My two IMAX. My microphone. My bed even. My bed. All my fucking accessories. My hard drives. My keyboard. Synthesizer you know. And this room is a part of me. And in a few weeks there'll just be a pile of junk. For you it'll be memorabilia but they'll never sell it to fans ever. Never. I'm gonna desperately try to get them to sell my EGS posters. And in reality anybody out there can still make them. If you use poster burner you'll have the actual image files that I used to make them with. You can print those out if you wanted to. You know make them 30 inches long. Have them shipped to your house you know. But the only difference is I autographed the back of these. On the backboard of it. So I guarantee they'll just throw it out or they'll think like oh this is like what made him happy and we should hold on to it. Or they'll just be enraged thinking that this is what caused me to go over the edge and commit this act and all that. I don't know. I guarantee 98% of it's gonna be fucking trashed. It's... This is why I'm documenting this for you guys. It goes back to me saying earlier what did people document they found all weeks on earth and all that shit. Well this gives you like first hand look at what it's like. You're just filled with emotions. Happiness, sadness, anger, fucking stress and bipolar. It's a vicious fucking cycle guys. I can go from like okay to not being pissy or anything. Just like okay in a decent mood to just being fucking pissed beyond belief within a matter of minutes. Or like feeling like full of energy and motivated to just like tanking to being like I don't want to fucking be here anymore in a matter of like a half hour. It's terrible. It just happens like that in an instant. People could say oh Andrew you could have took medication or seen a therapist and a therapist isn't gonna fucking cure me when you know where you're destined to fucking be. All they're gonna do is fucking take your money. Whatever. One thing I will say is I never ever in my life saw a therapist. I said that in the first ever tape recording I did for EGS tapes. I said like oh the dates like May 5th, 2013 or something. I just made that date up off the top of my head for that one. That one was the first ever EGS tapes video I did and I intended it to be a series but that one I think I just improvised it all. But at the same time that was like how I was feeling like it's like yeah people think it's a bad thing but it's not but I can't tell you why. Cause you're gonna think I'm insane all that shit. Well now I'm fucking telling you why and all these suicide tapes but that was like the only time I made up a date or um you know so like oh I have a therapist and all that like since then you don't hear me talk about that shit. I mean obviously yeah the tape videos were scripted. The EGS tapes, the suicide tapes were not scripted but the EGS tapes were just a breath of fresh air. Those first couple I did were at the end of like 2015. You know that was pretty far back now. That's when I did the first original Alex Gebhardt breakup video. The EGS tapes video you know and then I just built on that later on down the road. The Mackenzie West tape was pretty much the first like official legit one that WubCake did. Um I'm not real fun looking back on it cause I fucking hate WubCake's voice. I hate WubCake in general. I do not like her at all. I think she's a fucking money whore and shit. I think she's fucking talented and all that and when in reality she just rips off a shit that other people did for her voices. People suck it up from her. She's talentless. She can draw but that's about it. Fucking die. Hate her. I only used her just to get some publicity. And that was it. I kicked her to the curb after. And also cause I didn't have any other voice actresses. So whatever. Another one of those fucking people where I could write like fucking three paragraphs and I just get a one sentence response. Fuck off. Just fuck off. Literally. Back in like fucking May I'm like I'm gonna write another video then I'm gonna need your Mackenzie voice in. And I started saying you know this is what I'm doing now and this is what I wanna do for this video and blah blah blah blah blah and it was like two to three paragraphs long and all I get back in return is okay. That's it. Kiss my fucking ass. Words cannot describe how much I fucking hate when I put like fucking 10 to 15 minutes into a fucking email making sure it's all spelled properly making sure I have everything that is essential and all that to make it important and all I get back is okay. Kiss my fucking ass. Good fucking lord. People like that need to be crucified. Fucking no talent faggots. Oh my fucking goddess do I hate people. Die. Fucking die. Fucking same thing with point baron the other day. You know three or four paragraph fucking email explaining the massacre video and all that and how I could picture him doing this voice for this or you should do this voice for this and I think this will work and all this shit and alright thanks. That's it. What the fuck. I don't fucking know dude. I'm sorry for even dedicating 10 to 20 minutes to writing you an email. Kiss my fucking white ass. I don't care who you are even if you're fucking Damien. I could fucking care less. If you give me a fucking one to two sentence response to like a three to four paragraph email you should be hung by your fucking throat. Man. People fucking humans dude. It's not even funny you might be laughing at this it's not fucking funny it literally drives me fucking crazy and I know other fucking creators can relate to it. Makes you feel like you don't even fucking matter. Fucking blows. This is also why I didn't fucking continue to look for fucking animators. I poured my heart and soul into these emails explaining like what I want them to do and one not getting a response or two just like not even acting like they really give a shit and just like sugarcoating it to make it sound like they act like they give a shit. Fucking animators are like the worst fucking people to deal with. They all just seem like fucking assholes to me. Artists in general are fucking assholes. Whether you're a visual artist by drawing or anything. Whether you're a fucking musician. Any type of artist you are a faggot. And it's the truth all fucking artists are douchebags. I'm an artist am I a douchebag yeah I'm a fucking douchebag whatever. All fucking artists are assholes. And if I say they're not they're full of shit. They're all fucking assholes. I don't care. Photography. Art. Animation. Music. What the fuck ever. They're all fucking assholes. Nothing pissed me off more than when that fucking animator I talked with for like a fucking month trying to get him on board to animate the massacre video for me. And acting like he seemed like he would do anything that I sent him. I sent him the fucking animatic for the shots of right after the explosion outside the school where the kid like turns in the chair and everyone's like ah right through where I shot the three kids you know like right after all this stupid shit that we'd say I didn't really mean it that way. I won't say I'm sorry I missed the times where we used to hang around break it up till we break it down all that. And I sent that to him he's like alright I honestly wouldn't feel comfortable animating this and that fucking pissed me off. It really fucking pissed me off we talked about rates talked about all the free time you could have to do it being on board for this and then just oh my fucking goddess he fucking pissed me off. Not just because of that but because of his fucking visual style it was exactly what I wanted. And he just fucking turned me down just like that after a month of waiting and waiting for him to have a free slot to do this shit and he turns me down. Fuck you David Hill. Fuck you and just fucking die. You can fucking burn in hell. I fucking hate relying on people. Oh do I fucking hate it. The other fucking girl Erika or whatever. Yeah I should have some free time in March or April to do it. Oh well turns out I won't have any time to animate it after all I'm booked through June but maybe then I'll be able to do it. Oh fuck you! Fuck you! Seriously fuck you! Blow your goddamn head off. You people fucking screwed me. You fucking screwed me you goddamn fuckers. You fucking assholes pissed me the fuck off. How much is it to ask for you to animate like 10 seconds worth of animation if that? Good fucking lord. It's like a big fucking game. It's a big fucking joke. Animators their schedules change like every fucking week apparently. What the fuck ever. You tell me in March you're gonna push me back to fucking June. After telling me you'd have time to do it and make me be patient and wait for you to fucking work on it. And you push me back. You push me fucking back. Other people. Oh well Christian and this guy would love to help out with your video. I email the one never get a fucking response. I email the other oh I'm booked through fucking spring and summer. Kiss my fucking ass! You people are worthless! So the old fucking saying is true. If you want something done right you gotta fucking do it yourself. You fucking blew it. I hope to fucking goddess you fucking regret that shit. You fucking blew it. Now I was gonna pay you good money and everything. So you know what I spent that money on? I spent it on fucking ammunition. Are you happy? People are gonna fucking die because of you. People are gonna fucking die anyway but now even more because of you. Fucking cocksuckers. All can fucking drop dead. Jays. Oh I fucking hate humans dude. Honestly I'm glad I did it all by myself. But it should have been so much longer. The video should have been so much longer than it is. Oh, it pissed me off. I don't want to land anybody. I hope you get fucking shot. I hope you fucking forever rethink stuff that gets proposed to you. Can all fucking die. I've already emailed six animators and never got any responses back. People looking for legit professional work even though I could fucking pay you by your fucking rates. It's fucking work for you. What do you fucking care? You're getting fucking paid like $200, $230 fucking dollars a day. More than I make in like fucking three nights. It's fucking un- fucking outrageous. You can fucking drop dead. Drop fucking dead. Everyone's such a fucking money whore anymore. Have I ever once asked for money from anybody? Have I ever e-begged? Have I ever done any of that shit? No. I asked for donations if you were kind enough to do so for this fucking video, which now fucking $40 went to waste. I never set up a Patreon, none of that shit, which is fucking retarded. Why should anyone have to pay to see what you do? You're a worthless sack of shit if you use a Patreon account. If you're a fucking musician, oh you get first exclusive access to my tracks. No one fucking gives a shit. Good lord. Oh, Patreons only. You're a fucking money whore. Fucking money whore, dude. You're a worthless crock of shit. Money is fucking worthless. It doesn't matter how much fucking money you have. As I said, it makes you just as worthless as every other fucking goddamn fucker on this fucking putrid planet. Oh my god. People with Patreon accounts should be fucking shot. Instead, just set up a fucking donation page. If people want to fucking help you out, they'll donate to you. Don't make it so it's a fucking requirement to see new shit that you do. Oh, special perks and privileges for people who like donated $100 fucking dollars. What the fucking do? In the end, they'll realize how fucking retarded it was. People fucking like subscribed through like fucking Twitch TV and that to get fucking badges and get into like exclusive private chats and lobbies. Fucking Minnesota Burns robbed me of like fucking 20 bucks. You can't do any fucking open lobbies after that shit. People who beg for subscriptions, beg for Patreon, beg for money should be fucking crucified and shot and hanged by their fucking throats. Man. All you fucking creators out there, all you fucking care about is money. Have I ever once cared about the money? No. Did I want to be able to live off the YouTube? Yes. But did I ever once ask for money? No. I didn't. In my nine years of YouTube, I never once asked for money from anybody. Yeah. My hard drive crashed and my fucking graphics card fried in my iMac. 800 fucking dollars to repair. Got knocked down to 600 or something, but did I ask for money? No. I'm not a fucking worthless cunt. Oh, my computer broke when I won't be able to make videos, guys. I need money. Get a fucking job. A real job. YouTube is a real job. No, it's not. YouTube is a fucking hobby. I don't care who the fuck you are. If you're a markiplier, if you're fucking Smosh. YouTube is not a job. And in an instant, they could take all that partnership money away from you. Partnership program was a privilege and you're fucking lucky it's still there. Fucking nine years, ten years later. I hope YouTubers crash and burn. People who rely on YouTube to make a fucking living. Crash and fucking burn. Yeah, I know. Damien lives off of YouTube. Well, not for much longer. Cry me a fucking river when your money runs out. Fuck. So much fucking anger inside of me. So much hatred. Fucking despise this fucking world. I can't do it anymore. I can't live on this planet anymore. I can't act normal anymore. Like the average fucking human being. This isn't my fucking home anymore. It never was to begin with. I'm fucking sick of it. I'm done. I'm just done. Mackenzie, I'm sorry. You guys see me like this, but you know full well how I really am anyway. But man, I'm just fucking done. This planet is worthless. Nothing matters. If you sit back and look at everything on this planet, nothing fucking matters because guess what? When you die, life just goes on as if you never fucking existed. People jumping off a fucking bridge in fucking San Francisco, jumping off a Golden Gate Bridge, you see fucking seagulls flying by after they hit the fucking water. Life goes on. No one fucking cares. Yes, your family will be upset and your friends will be upset. Over time, they're over it. No, you never truly get over a death. You do when you think about it. Life fucking goes on. Even when you're not fucking in it. Everything on this planet is worthless. It's all a fucking game. It's called who can stay in the game the longest without fucking killing themselves. Well, guess what? I quit. This game's fucking retarded. How do I hate life? I fucking hate life. I've always hated life. I've always hated living. I'm looking at my mom and dad, like, why did you have to fucking put me here? But then as I got older, I realized that they didn't put me here. I fucking, I got sent here. And for the longest time, I thought it was a punishment. It wasn't. It was a fucking mission. But it felt like a punishment. Having to fucking go through your life and rediscover who you are, that was the biggest fucking pain in the ass. All these fucking people in the world and just thinking, you're all fucking worthless cocksuckers. Nothing you do matters. You're all fucking worthless cocksuckers. Nothing you do matters. At the end of the day, you're fucking dead anyway. As soon as you take your first breath on this earth, you're dead. It's a ticking time bomb. You don't know when it's gonna blow, but it's gonna blow. And you're fucking dead. It might be when you're fucking 45, it might be when you're fucking 90, it might be when you're fucking 16, for all I fucking know. You're dead. Everyone is a dead man or woman walking. And one of your only missions in life is to not get dead. Unless you're fucking people like me, who that's your fucking destiny all along, is to fucking die young. Oh my God, it's... I've just had it. I've long had it. I need to wrap this up, because I need to go to bed. It's fucking 10 after 3. I gotta be up at 9 o'clock. You see? How easily I just go from like, casual talking to just all out hatred. It's like a light switch. It's just like that. Oh. Oh man. I just want it to be June already. Fucking had enough. I wanna be with you, Em. I'm so ready. Oh. I don't know what I would do without you. I could care less about anybody else. Okay. I'm gonna end this now. I wasn't even gonna record today. It was just... writing the journal or get the mic out and I got the mic out. It's faster anyway. Whatever. I'm just fucking done. I think right now if I really wanted to, I could just pull that shotgun out of the holster and put in a buckshot shell and end it. Just like that, if I really wanted to. Whatever. I need some more weeks. Three and a half weeks. Alright. Bye guys. Try to make another recording when I can. I'm feeling inspired to talk about something. I wanted to talk about Mackenzie for pretty much the whole recording but obviously that led to other things. That's what always happens. I think it's sidetracked and bullshit gets in the way and all that. So whatever. Anyways. I'll see you guys in the next one. Andrew out.