Hey humans, so today is April 24th 2017 And I just wrote about this but I'm gonna talk about it now to the microphone just because it's kind of It's not kind of it is a big deal I pretty much just I don't know I kind of decided to change the date. I want I'm gonna do this You know, I kept tossing back and forth in my head like September 7th or maybe July or whatnot, but I'm thinking I'm gonna do it in June. Just I'm I'm Almost running on empty right now. I I just don't want to do this anymore. I can't I can't do this anymore. I can't keep living Period I'm just I'm done I'm so done. I don't know How to even like describe how I'm feeling. It's like virtually impossible It's just the desire It's just gone. It's long since gone through the roof to go and I'm just at the point now or I'm just done I'm just done So What I decided to do is Just do the first portion of the music video And that be it. I mean, I'm just I'm done with everything. I'm tired of animating. I'm tired of doing everything by myself I'm tired of relying on people and not having them get stuff to me when I expect it to be done and I Just I can't I'm tired of living. I Just I can't do it anymore. I just I can't I Just I've had it I've long had it But it's just you have no idea you have no idea Just the desire The desire is more than anything. I Can't even compare it to something It's like there's just like a Million-ton weight that's pressing down on my chest And I can't move that's I I don't even know how to like to describe it It's It's only gotten worse every single day it's gotten worse every single night rather It's it's out of my hands. I'm just I'm done I don't know what What more I can do to Prevent this from happening it's It's going to happen no matter what but I just I I tried so hard To make this video like my best work and I was gonna make it like really lengthy and abstract and in-depth and Possibly make a spin-off series off of it and everything and I just I I can't do it anymore I just can't Especially the rate it takes to make just like one shot Like I could spend like five hours on one night on my night off from work and Barely get a shot done. Just that's how long it can take and at this rate, you know I'm just I'm done. I'm so done I really wanted this thing to be huge and Like I've learned through life You can't make everything perfect and you can't make it exactly how you want it and you can't always have it the way you want it And with this it's gonna be no exception. It's gonna be no different rather This is just it's it's how it is. I just I did what I could I'm done I'm done with it all. I just I'm ready to go I'm just done After all the the heart and soul and time and passion that I put into my videos, I'm I'm at the end I've I've made so many amazing videos over the years in the last nine years. I've made so much content that It almost doesn't even bother me that I have to stop now. It's I've long accepted it and In terms of my fans, I just hope I made a difference That's one of the main things I want to leave behind is did I make a difference and I think I did I Had to have there's no way I didn't But I Mean EGS it had so much potential it really did but I just I Need to go I need to go back Back to where I came from which is in the EGS and Unfortunately, I need to leave the channel and what I've done behind I need to leave it all and live it I Need to live it I'm this close to living it. I'm so close. I almost can't even get any closer I'm that close Lord there's just Yeah, I can't I I just can't put into words how I feel anymore. It's just it's beyond humane I It's like as if like there's like an entity telling me, you know, it's time you need to get out of here go You know Plan a date do it and I Think June would be a good month. I've always loved June. I love summer although summer technically doesn't start until like the 21st of June but July is also doable, but I mean, it's just I Almost don't even care Whether I do it here or if I do the supermarket thing or what but Chances aren't probably gonna do it here. I just Like I said, I'm at the point where I just don't care anymore. I don't care about anything except my girls it's that's all And There's just I don't know like every day is different with how I feel about things but This one just hit me. It's like I think this is it like Reality has set in that It'll take way too long to do the other half of that massacre video like the second Course through the end, you know like leading up to the course through the end It's just it's too much and I'm sick of trying to pitch it to animators to help out What keeps fucking happening is like, oh, yeah, I'll be able to help I wouldn't mind doing dark stuff like that sure and like within a couple weeks. They pushed me back months Because I pitched it to this girl in March. She pushed me back to June fucking June So I'm like fuck it. I'm just done. I'll do the whole video myself and I have looked at this point. I've done everything myself besides all the voices but I've had to do it all by myself and I can't do it anymore. I'm just I've had it. I've reached my limit. I just I'm just I'm done I'm so done I'm ready to go be with my girl So I'm calling it. I'm tapping out. I'm just Done So I Had so many dreams of getting somewhere with this and at the same time I just don't fucking give a shit Because I can't live for years to come. I just can't do it anymore I'm 24 and a half. I'm extremely young but I Just feel like I've done everything In terms of accomplishing things I've virtually done everything besides get on TV but I mean At the end of the day, what does it matter just as long as I leave behind my content for my legacy That's all I fucking care about in terms of my YouTube stuff and my accomplishments in life I'll be back. I'm coming back to this planet as a ghost. I don't care. I'm gonna find a way You might not be able to see me or make contact with me, but I'm gonna try my damnedest to come back to here as my EGS self and do my deeds but I'm just finished I'm done. I Got the gun, you know, I got that and that was all I needed So I Don't know I keep debating about the supermarket thing, but I just I'm at the point now. It's like whatever. I don't care However, I'm feeling that night is what I'll do. So So I'm thinking June 7th Think it's like a week or two weeks after that is when I had vacation from my work I might just try to bump that up two weeks So I can be home throughout that week, you know, I Think like the 7th is a Wednesday So in reality, I would have probably Sunday Monday Tuesday and then See what happens Yeah It's the end. It's just I Don't know what more to say. I mean I've reached the end I Almost can't even like high bat fact from my social media anymore Like Rachel Hodge. She's like someone who I can talk to about dark stuff and Nellie is too, but I She's not like as in a deep dark place like Rachel is but I Just I can't hide it anymore. I'm Just I want to fucking post stuff, but I can't so I use the journals Journal has been the only thing that's been preventing me from posting that stuff And I've been scanning it into my computer along the way, but I can't upload it anymore until It's all written and finished out finished up. I mean I mean, I'm wearing my girl clothes now New shorts I bought It's just I said I can't describe the desire It's It's indescribable I can't describe it. It's just physically impossible It's what I was sent here to do this is you can't understand it unless you're me which part of me doesn't even understand it but I'm just And at the end And I just part of me doesn't feel anything Part of me is really upset part of me is really angry Other parts of me are just lost I guess I just Physically, I just don't fucking give a shit about anything. I Don't care about people I Don't care about my job Which I still do enough just to be decent with it and get by without getting into trouble with it You know getting reported or written up or complained about and shit because if I lose that job then all hell is gonna break loose It's a nice shift job. You hardly ever see anybody there anyway, unless it's people you're working with But you know, I still got a watch there How I act and whatnot so I'm a good liar it's really good thing my fucking boss saw me like loading up all this stuff in a shopping cart on Friday night It was like 10 gallons of water the gallon water jugs I'm like 10 power raids and stuff and it's like serious grocery shopping tonight. I'm like, yeah big party this weekend Just lying through my teeth because it's really stuff. I'm gonna be shooting at Which I went shooting yesterday. I use the rest of my left the last of my ammunition which blows Gotta get more But Yeah, it's just that's the only thing I've been tossing back and forth in my head That's the only debatable decision left is do it here or do it there And I would kill to make my mark there I really would but then at the end of the fucking day it doesn't even matter You know, it's a fucking store. It's not like a school or something or like a place of like historical value It's a fucking store It's like it's not gonna be like I can't picture being like oh I need to go to the supermarket They got shot up on night shift or something like that's the only thing. It's like it. You don't it's not Memorable Especially if just one person gets killed. I Mean unless you're like a fan of me you'd remember that but in the long run. It's really just a waste So I don't know I want to do it I really do and it's the other part of me is like I don't want to die there And your other dying here surrounded by all the things that love me back and That's just I can almost I should just like bring it down to a coin flip I fucking ordered shirts the other day Which they're coming today. I made some it's our time to rise shirts that I wear in the massacre video Unfortunately, you have to buy like unlimited a limit of three a minimum of three shirts So it cost me over a hundred fucking dollars Which was stupid and like shipping was outrageous, but I made them they look cool. So That's what I would wear if I were to do it and that's probably what I'm gonna wear when I die for all I know but I just I don't know man It's The feeling is just indescribable I look at all these ghosts that I've made and The firm belief in my mind that these are ghosts and spirits I've met before and that they're all actually legit real and I Know they are they have to be It's not just a figure of my own Like It's not my fucking hell. It's not my imagination. I Know Mackenzie's real She talks to me all the time in my head Rachel I firmly believe is real as well And ghosts like froggy and it's kind of up for debate, but I mean, I Firmly believe these are all actually real spirit real spirits This is not a crazy person talking. This is me Andrew talking to you one-on-one But I know they have to be real I Know they are my feelings for them are beyond description I Can't describe it It's impossible I Can't And what's each each passing night I just feel more and more at home there Things just make so much more sense than they used to and I'm just I'm ready to go. I'm so ready to go. I've been ready to die for years I 2015 I thought was gonna be the year Maybe I was kind of up for debate back then but I kept thinking like I'd sit out in the hot tub And that used to be my thinking hole, which is where I got a lot of my video ideas Like the my last confession Scrapped short that you'll see in this death box set that was That was inspired in that hot tub Curtain call I thought of in that hot tub the whale Hot tub frisky video that was another one. There were the few there's quite a few more I just can't remember but that hot tub was always my think hole and I'd always sit there at night at like nine ten o'clock at night and just think and It was always like leave me back to you like how many more years am I gonna be alive? I'm I gonna gather the courage and do it, you know and And suddenly EGS happened and then You know the rest is history, but It's just I can't describe How I feel it's it's impossible I Know like I can really like talk your ear off with stuff, but this time I'm kind of like Trying to find the words and that's cuz I can't this area is Not something everybody everybody gets in like it's really It's beyond a dark depressing place This is like spiritual stuff that is very dangerous to think about because it could lead you over the edge and Beyond the point of no return to the point where you won't be able to get back home again And I've long been over that. I mean I Haven't been I Haven't technically ever been like completely normal in my life never Always just like feel like I just drifted through life just to get through it and I was just there, you know like I was analyzing people and all that but I did I never felt like I lived I Never lived life. I just endured it It's the long and just of it I just I never felt like I was meant to be here never felt like I belonged on earth ever I was always trying to find myself Just trying to figure out who I was and then when EGS happened I did and Those final two years of my life were the biggest in terms of discovery I Mean 2014 was also a big year of self-discovery, but it is still it was very foggy and cloudy, but late 2015 and Then all of 2016 it just was like BAM It just slowly and then slowly rapidly started to reveal itself to me and I'm just I'm at the end of the line I Don't know what more I Could really do I pretty much stopped thinking of ideas for videos too. I've stopped trying. I just don't care anymore The massacre videos it I'm gonna try to do some more tape videos quick, but They're not gonna have a lot of effort put into them visually. It's just the audio is what it's all about anyway But I need to hurry and get those done if I do do this in June because the way I see it then It's like I got like four and a half weeks That's it That is not a lot of time at all So I Like you think you think I'd be scared and paranoid and frantic and anxious and Just paranoid and shit, but I remember really not Like it's just a part of my life now. That's all I can really say It's like you just you learn to accept it and it's like yeah, everyone's gonna die someday But I've envisioned it for so many years That I'm at the point now where I'm just I'm comfortable with it I mean I'd be lying if I said those final few breaths of mine would be like Totally fine and normal and calm and steady and everything. No, I'll be nervous when it comes down to the final few minutes But at the same time, I'll be like This is it, you know, I'm ready It'll be okay. I'll be fine. It's just a second and a half if that you're not gonna feel anything Just all I gotta do is just squeeze that trigger and it's over That's all It'll happen so fast. You probably won't even know what hit you and Then Everything will be different Just like that everything will be different And you'll be okay, you know, you'll be happy Where you're supposed to be? You know, it's just it's like the ultimate Icing on the cake, you know It's like something you've waited for your whole life like the ultimate better than any birthday present Better than any award Better than any song It's It'll be the best thing ever I know Mackenzie will be by my side when I do it and probably be like the first one to welcome me. I Hope I Really hope I'd kill to see her face first and then I'll probably cry Big time We'll probably hug her and I'd never be able to let her go for like the first like 10 minutes And then maybe everything else will like just fill back into my head If I am right and I was there first This is like the one like the ultimate question I've had is like was I there beforehand and got sent here or am I just destined to go there and I've never been there before That's the biggest thing. So it's like once I'm there Will I just remember everything because the thing is it's been almost two and a half decades when you think about it 1992? so chances are I'm gonna forget like everything But I don't think so like I think when you're dead you just get like instantly filled with knowledge From where you were But in a way, I firmly believe I was there first and I just got sent here to do something and It was just it was a mission and I've always like throughout my life like you have the question asked you would you want to know when you die? And I've always been like yes, I've always wanted to know Or if not, then I'd rather die by my own hands and it's always just how I've pretty much envisioned it I've never been able to picture me being like 70 years old and dying. I'm a death bed or dying of cancer or You know getting in a car crash and dying or dying in a hospital bed or something like I was never able to picture that I Just always envisioned dying like ever since I would say 2008 or something maybe a little later than that 2000 like 2008 I didn't think about death a lot at all it was like in 2010 when I really Started to think about it more frequently and I've always just envisioned dying by my own hands and I've come this far, you know, and now I have my ticket out of here just 20 feet next to me there, you know I'm looking at my shotgun right now That's my ticket out of here and I got it. I fucking got it. I Didn't have to steal it from anybody. I paid for it And it's mine You know So yeah, I Took a little inspiration from Eric Harris for the pistol grip yesterday The fucking grooves on that pistol grip suck It's not like a sawn down pistol grip like a smooth grip It has those fucking grooves on there so you can grip it like you put your fingers between the grooves and It fucking hurts like hell after you shoot it And especially with my pinky finger that had the fucking three surgeries on it I got like a blood blister under my skin and it's still there But it fucking hurt like hell from the kickback from it and I I I put duct tape all around it I wrap the shit out of it with duct tape and it pretty much fixed the problem That's just how shotguns are you're gonna have like kickback in your hand from that grip, you know, but It was on all sides. It was on my fingers and it was in my hand and It fixed pretty much all of it. So thank you duct tape. Thank you Eric Harris. I love you so I told my mom like I could tell you where I learned that tip from but I won't She's like, okay Yeah, I learned it from a Columbine high school shooter Yeah But yeah, I just I Just shot one of those gallon jugs point blank and it was just instantaneous bush like instantaneous shower and Looking like looking at the footage you can't even skip by milliseconds without it Exploding like you can't see the buckshot fly out of the gun. It is that fast Which I honestly can't believe like literally if you skip by no second From the point where I squeeze the trigger and it hits the gallon water. There's already like a huge Like pool of water in the air That exploded from the gun. It is that fast. So imagine that in your fucking head You know it you're gone. Just boom Gone at least a good chunk of your head. It's not gonna completely blow your head apart, but a good bit of it So yeah The biggest problem is the magazine Chamber where you load the the shells into it's the same length as the barrel Which is a pain in the ass because I was practicing You know practicing putting it in my mouth and everything I did it like eight times. I did it like eight times and Problem is you got to really open your fucking mouth to get it all in there Usually when you see a shotgun like the barrels a little bit longer than the magazine chamber, but that's just how it is I got it from a dealer The magazine is usually a lot smaller than that usually you can only fit like three in there Let me give it four or five in this one Sometimes it's five sometimes it's four. I Don't know cuz I'll pump the shotgun then it'll shoot out a shell that's still on shot, you know But um, yeah, it's besides the point, but Yeah, this is I gotta really shove it in there And I really deep throughout the thing, you know Yeah Never thought my life would end by shoving a big rod down my fucking mouth to my fucking throat So That's gonna be insane Just like I'm not afraid of the gun But it's just weird like knowing you have like a ticking time bomb in your hands like when I shoot that fucking thing The force and power it has is insane like I As soon as I pump the gun and I have my finger like close to the trigger I'm just waiting for it to go off without even pressing the trigger pulling the trigger, you know And like I just expected to happen before I even shoot so I was like sometimes like before I shoot I'll kind of like kick the gun on accident myself thinking I was gonna fire it But it's just funny like you have like a ticking time bomb in your hands And you're just waiting for it to go off, but you control when it goes off. So It's cool though. I love that shotgun. I Fucking love it even though it's you know kicked me quite a few times I fucking love it. I called it Mackenzie not to be confused with Mackenzie West, but Whenever I refer to the shotgun in the journal, I just call it the shotgun because I don't want to get people confused with the gun and Mackenzie herself Yeah It's a it's a beast So Yeah, so I'm really thinking June is it I'm thinking June is gonna be it Part of me feels like I'm up against the clock as it is Um Age is only part of it, but like it's weird like some days I feel like I look like I'm 19 and other days I look like I'm like 27 This is like every day I look different. It's very strange. I don't know But I just I feel so up against the clock to do this and I mean I Can't explain it. I just I feel like I don't have a lot of time. I fantasize for so long About being my true self in the ghost squad and Know and I could possibly just be four small weeks away from having it become a reality it's I Feel beyond ecstatic. I mean I Part of that makes time seem a hell of a lot longer than it is like Some days it feels like time goes so fucking fast and other days it feels like oh man, it's still April like really Like the other day I kind of feel like it was March Like my head's like playing tricks on me now. I Just I don't know what day it is anymore night shift especially fucks that up for you, but Yeah, I just I forget things so much easier now like I just I don't focus on The important things in life like I should Like there's been so many times now where I come home and I leave my car keys in the door In my front door without realizing it. I've done it twice in the last few months It's just stupid subtle things like that It's like geez I got so much on my fucking mind It's like Now it literally just feels like borrowed time because I have the gun, you know, it's right there Although I don't have any ammunition left. That's a crushing blow, but there's some shipping to me today So that's good, but yeah, I want to stock up on ammunition and Yeah, so Just I don't know I don't know what you want me to say If you've listened to all these from start to finish then I give you major props, which in a way it's it's kind of expected, but I mean I'm not sorry that it had to be this way. This is just how it was meant to be. I don't care who I hurt from this I mean, obviously, yeah, there's like close like internet friends. I have that I would like I'd hate to see the state They'd be in after this but Life goes on. It's like It's just it's life people people die You know There's just I don't know what you want me to say about it, but I'm not sorry about it It was fat. Oh It was destiny. It was fate It was what I was sending here to do and If you're hurt by it, then you're hurt by it and you need to figure it out for yourself You know I mean people have messaged me a lot over the years, but nowadays hardly at all It's like after this happens. I guarantee you there's gonna be a lot of people flooding my timelines with stuff And saying, you know, I wish I could have gotten to know you more or I wish we could have talked on Skype or You know, I wish I could have met you in person someday, you know, you're a great inspiration for me and I I Thought we could have worked together on some things down the line even or something like that, you know but it's just I Think it'll surprise people more than anything But at the same time I feel like it won't surprise some people I've said that before but You know It's life I Did what I could in terms of YouTube content it just got to the point where I just I couldn't do it anymore Especially being a one-girl crew, you know, like Animation you can only do so much And I always visualized in my head like just having it like boom boom boom cranking through stuff one two three that shot It's done next one crank through it done, but it doesn't happen like that It takes so much time It doesn't just happen Takes a lot of time and effort and more than anything patience and determination you can't just do it It's just you got to be feeling it a grand of people do that for the jobs and all that but you know You got to be feeling it to work on it But I don't really want to talk about animation right now. I just I've had enough of it It's just it's literally like a nightmare never ending nightmare I've long exhausted in my fucking music library By listening to music and animating shots. It's beyond exhausted You know, I just I wish I could have made more content. That's the only regret I have So I'm never satisfied. I'm always a perfectionist. I Wish I could have made like 30 minute long episodes or you know gotten it on TV or Made a movie out of it, you know, I wish I could have done so much more And I feel like I could have and should have done so much more But alone, you know, you can only do so much And I got tired of pitching the animators to which I said earlier, so I Just gave up. I mean I never give up on things But when you like do it for so long, okay, I've been animating or you know, I Started animating back in early 2015 back in March, you know when you've done it for two years That's a long time to just sit and stare at the same shots all damn night into the day, you know It really it's brutal to do that every like other day of your life So I'm done. I'm sorry, but I'm done It's okay to be in a dark place like this People always get like so overly concerned when people are like struggling to get by or like earn a dark depressing place and you know fade away from the world and everything but I want people to know that it's okay to be in that zone It's where it makes me happy. Honestly, it was just kind of ironic and being depressed makes me happy, but it does and I've been like so overly creative by being in this zone What you've seen with EGS and all that so You know, it's not always a bad thing which unfortunately for you guys It's gonna leave you all behind and I'll be passed on but It's not a bad thing It really isn't if you want to be sad and depressed be sad and depressed if you want to cut yourself go ahead and cut yourself Do whatever the hell you want. You're in control Just don't let your fucking family see that shit You know if you have to lie lie I've lied quite a lot But you know You just do what you got to do Everyone vents and deals with it in their own way. I found writing the journal really helped me out Instead of like posting it on social media and stuff like I Mean I've posted dark and disturbing stuff in the past But the journal was like the top of the line of it all like I never posted anything like that on social media Come close in ways, but yeah, the journal was I Really just I just said whatever I felt like saying in there how I was feeling and it was all authentic You know, I didn't make any shit up It was all legit Granted social media is the same way. I don't you know like make shit up on social media either I Just say how I'm feeling But I can only say so much on the internet before people start like considering me to be a threat or start reporting me for shit and you know Being concerned and you don't need that So I can't talk about Eric Harris and Dylan Kleibolt all the fucking time on social media or you'll be considered a threat so I Talk about them in the journal Okay, um I guess I should wrap this up. I don't know Just I don't know what else I could talk about right now. There's always so much I want to talk about but I Guess That's just good to leave it there for now. I don't need to make this like an hour and a half long every time but Yeah, just if anyone is in like a position like I am where they're just They're at the end of the line and just don't want to carry on anymore and Just feel like it's it's the end like you know, this is it, you know, I'm in my final days and that's okay you know Do what you feel is best Just be careful, that's all I can say just watch how you act around your family and lie when you have to and Just just be you be yourself We all get in this place once in a while Even the happiest people on the planet they can get into you know, the press states of mind now and then Guarantee it It's all a part of life Unfortunately for people like me and other people we live in that zone every fucking day or night of the year, you know Every fucking night I think about death like every like fucking 20 minutes Constantly all the time That's really serious, you know depression there Constantly picturing take my own life and constantly picturing hurting other people and shooting places up and taking my own life and Causing devastation and everything, you know, it's really It's that's how I am It's all I can say It's how I am Too I am I'm Andrew blaze Nice to meet you All right, I Don't know when I'll do this again Probably another week from now I'm trying to do this like every week When I have a like an opportunity to record I usually do it now just because I feel like I don't have that many opportunities left and Yeah, I just I don't have a lot of time I really don't And I have about four and a half weeks to live If I do in fact do it in June So we'll see I Changed my mind constantly anyways, but I'm thinking this is it I'm just I'm at the end of the line so All right humans I'll talk to you soon Probably another week from now. I'll say Have a good one