Happy 420 humans. So thought I'd get the mic out and talk about Columbine today. And it's almost quarter after one in the afternoon on the east coast, and that means in mountain time they're waiting for the bombs to go off on this exact moment 18 years ago today. So it's crazy. Columbine just sucked me in once I started following it. And I've honestly never been the same since. And to think I was in kindergarten when it first happened. And by the time it's on TV and everything and becoming this huge national story, I was just about getting out of school, or I was already out in kindergarten. So I never heard about this thing. And I honestly never really heard about it until I was in high school. I think in one of my classes I heard them mention Columbine and all this when we were talking about big world changing events or something. But I never really looked into it until I was out of college. Pretty much last year is when it started. And it changed so much for me. I honestly cannot believe how much Columbine has influenced me and changed me. It's really insane. And I don't know what it is about it. There's been so many mass shootings over the years or catastrophic events and all this. For some reason Columbine just feels different compared to everything else. And I don't know, I guess I can just relate to it a lot in a way. But obviously not the bullying thing. I wasn't anywhere near picked on like that in high school. Our school district was actually pretty nice to go to. You had stupid shit to deal with, but it was usually just messing around stuff. You never saw fights in the hallways like every other day. You didn't have that here in Dallas. But I was always the puny kid, the weak, scrawny, skinny kid. And I was just a huge target for people to pick on me. But it didn't really happen too much. The only thing that really would happen would be people would move my things or hide them somewhere and I'd get frustrated and upset that I couldn't find my backpack or my books or they'd steal my book covers and stupid subtle shit like that. But I mean I never got into fights with anybody. I was never beat up by anybody. I never had a wedgie done to me or anything like that. And obviously nothing near on the scale that happened at Columbine over the years. But I don't know. I had that thought back in high school. I just don't want to be there. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to go to school. I hate education. I hate being told what to do. I hate the real world. I hate authority. I hate all this stuff. And it just makes me wonder. If I was in high school right now, how things would be. I'd probably be conspiring a massacre like that to carry out on my high school. You don't know. In this day and age, anything can happen. And I wonder if I eventually would have ended up doing that. I mean, yeah, the supermarket thing came to mind. But it was just I wonder what things would be like if I was in high school right now. So I don't know. Columbine is just one of those things that just sucked me in. And I can't even explain it. It just grabbed me like very few other things have in my life. And the more I researched and studied it, the more I got sucked into it. And I watched all these documentaries on it. And it's just it made me have so many questions. Anyways, 18 years ago right now was when all the shooting was happening in the library. It's 130. And the library killing Spree lasted about seven minutes or so. But whenever I see a library now, I just immediately think of Columbine. And I just immediately want to go in there with a gun and shoot people. It is ridiculous. And it's just that's like the biggest lore about Columbine that I love is the library stuff. And the saddest thing is that there's no full version of that 911 call available. You get the five minute version with Patty Nielsen, but that's it. You don't get to hear anything else really. And it sucks. Because the phone line was left open for quite a while. I think it lasted like 20 minutes or so. So you can hear everybody getting shot. And I wish we had that full version. And I highly doubt we will anytime soon. It really sucks. But I don't know. Columbine, I kind of forget what I was talking about before. But it's just something about it that just sucked me in. I can't explain it. And if you happen to use that Columbine forum, you'll know that I have an account on there, the EGS Andrew account. I should say had. Because by the time you hear this, I'll be dead. But yeah, I recently started browsing the Columbine forums. And it was always interesting reading other people's perspective and thoughts about it. And people that are as into it as I am. So you get to read deep threads about stuff and talking about the suicides and all this stuff. And you actually learn a lot from that forum actually. And it makes you think in ways you never thought you would think about certain things. And I don't know. Columbine is just one of those things that I could talk forever about. And I just don't know. I just love the shit out of Columbine. And I can't go around the internet saying, hey, I love Columbine. Eric Harris is fucking amazing. Oh, I love Dylan too. I love them. I wish I could have met them. They're my heroes. And you can't do that. Or you're going to get fucking reported as a threat. You see all these people that get caught and all their plans are foiled from people reporting them for conspiring a Columbine shooting or something. And you just got to be careful with what you say. And yeah, it's just the one thing that sucks because I love Columbine as much as I love EGS and all that. And I can't post about Columbine all the time. Or like I said, you're going to be considered a threat. So yeah, it's just one of those things that I have to watch what I post about it because people will start to get concerned and think I'm mentally ill and shit. I've had a comment or two saying that, but I don't fucking give a shit about it. But yeah, Columbine, I wish I could have seen it happen. I wish I could have seen from Eric and Dylan's perspective everyone they shot. I wish I could see the library as it happened. I wish I could just freeze time, go back in time and see that all happen. And I hope after I'm dead I'll be able to do that. It'd be amazing. I wish I could know what they were thinking during all that, what their state of mind was like and if they said anything before they killed themselves off. I know for a fact Eric had to have died first. There's no way. That's pretty much been established by now. Eric was dead first. He took his life first. Dylan's the big mystery because we don't know if he killed himself within the first minute after Eric died. If he even knew Eric was going to off himself, we don't know anything and only they know. And I don't know. I don't even know what I think Dylan did. I don't know how much longer he was alive for. Part of me thinks he was alive only for a few minutes. I don't think he was alive for another hour shooting at police or something. I don't know. That's kind of a rumor that's been going around. Personally, I think Dylan killed himself within like 10 minutes after Eric did. Just took a little bit longer for him to die. Because Eric probably didn't feel a thing putting that shotgun in his mouth. That was it. Once he pulled that trigger, it was lights out. He was gone instantaneously. Dylan, I know for a fact, choked on his own blood and took a few minutes for him to die, which I feel so bad for him for. I cannot imagine. That's how I envisioned doing it a few years ago up until just this past year. I envisioned putting a pistol to the side of my head and pulling the trigger, which he used a TEC-9. It's a semi-automatic gun or something. But I guess he saw what the shotgun did to Eric and he's like, I don't want to go out like that. But then again, it's like, what does it matter? I don't know. I always envisioned just putting the gun to the side of the head and pulling the trigger. You always see in the movies and everything. But then I just kept researching it and it's like, that might not even kill you. It's not foolproof. If your aim is off or if you hesitate, if you flinch, if the gun jumps, if you just miss that little bit where you're intending to hit, you can survive. That's not what you want to have happen because you'll never be the same for the rest of your life. You'll probably most likely be a vegetable for the rest of your life. What kind of life is that worth living? It's not worth living at all. That's why I figured a shotgun is perfect. After getting sucked into Columbine and all that, I learned how powerful shotguns really are. And then I just fell in love with them. It's just, Eric really helped me out with that. I'm watching the Rampart range shooting video and all that. Just seeing the power that those shotguns had and still have to this day. Shotguns are very powerful. If you put one in your mouth, you're just dead. I was looking into getting a Saunov shotgun, meaning I would have to buy a shotgun and then saw it down. Once I started looking on the website where I got the gun from, I just found that Mossberg 500 and I'm like, that pretty much looks exactly what I wanted to do to the shotgun. Pistol grip in a shorter barrel, it's like a 20 inch barrel or 20 and a half inches. And that's a good length for a barrel because Eric's shotgun, it was like sawn down to 18 inches. It was probably beyond the legal limit. And just watching those videos of him shooting it, it looks like he could just blow his fingers off if he slips that little bit. So yeah, that was a thought when I shot it for the first time the other week was, man I really gotta watch where I put my fingers. But you got enough room on that gun that I have, but his is like, you had an inch if that or your fingers were gonna be in front of that barrel and were gonna get blown off. So it's kind of remarkable when you think about it that he didn't actually injure himself with that gun by blowing off his fingers. I mean, yeah, he got cut up and everything I guess from the pistol grip or the kick from it and just driving it into his hands after shooting it or something. But I had a little injury from it. It was like a blood blister under my skin because I guess the pistol grip pinched between my skin and my finger on my pinky finger, which was the one that I had all the surgeries done on. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And I thought I was bleeding, but it was like a blood blister under my skin and it's still there. But yeah, it shocked me how much power those shotguns have. I bought some shooting gloves. Hopefully they'll help me, just the force of it all. Because in the middle of my hand, it's just been really sore for the last week just from the kick of the gun because it rocks your hands after you shoot it. I had a couple good shots where it didn't, but I wasn't wearing any types of gloves or anything. I was just bare handing the thing. After I shot it like three times, I'm like, ouch. This is really hard to shoot when you're not wearing anything. So bought some shooting gloves and they'll be here any day now. Bought a fanny pack bag holder for shells and a holster for the shotgun. I'm thinking maybe by the end of summer I'll buy a second one for when I do the deed at the supermarket. So I've always been paranoid about just having the one gun because if it breaks down on you or if it jams and you have no way of fixing it, you will never be able to off yourself. So having a backup secondary weapon is crucial. I've always wondered how long it will take for the police to know that happened because you know, I got all the security cameras and everything in the store and there's some houses across the street. If I was able to shoot and kill the three to four people that could be in there and none of them got a call out to 911, would it take until 5.30 in the morning until anyone realized that there was something wrong? How much time would you have? Because the fact of the matter is there's nobody else around and that's what makes it all so perfect because no one would ever see it coming. It's a beautiful scenario. It's a dream come true. No one can stop you. And it's your bullet proof in a way. You just walk in and pow. One's a freebie no matter what. You will get one person, boom, just like that. You're separated by all these aisles. No one's going to even see you coming because the way this works is on our order nights, which is when I intend on doing this, it's a 19-isle store and it's split between aisles 1 and 7 and 8 through 19 and we always do 1 through 7 first and most of the time by time we get to break, I start at 10.45 and breaks at 1 o'clock. Lunch is at 3 and I'm done at 7.15. By 1 o'clock we're still 90% of the time still on that first half of the building. So I'm completely shielded from everyone's view. You will never see that coming and I'll know where everyone's at. When we go out to break and just stay out there a little bit longer than normal and come in and pow. Shots fired. So it's just a gimmie, which I imagine Brian will be the first one. I can't picture it being anybody else. That's who I would go for. I'll get rid of the top dog first. So yeah, it's crazy to think how easy this will be. But I've always wondered about the cop thing. But either way, it doesn't matter. I could pull that off within a few minutes and be gone before a cop shows up. So the other thing is he'd have to shoot through the door to get in. These are big foolproof doors. So I would know if one was coming. There's no other way around it. I'll know for a fact when someone gets in. I'll be like, all right, time to go. Boom. So I don't know. I have a pretty general idea of what I want to do. But just as long as I get one, that's all I care about is killing at least one person. That's it. I'm going to get one. That's the fact of the matter. I mean, I've been going back and forth in my head about doing this for a good half a year now. And I finally just agreed to do it. It's too easy. So why not do it? It's just a way to go out with a bang. All my life, I've always been like, man, I wish I could do that. Or just wanting to do something amazing. And this is my chance. And I just had to wait till the very end to do it. So Eric and Dylan were my big inspiration. And I just, I need to just watch what I say and how I act for the next few months until September. And we should be golden. I mean, I can't see much of anything going wrong, knock on wood. But yeah, I just, I just need to finish that massacre video first. That's the main priority. I was thinking I could have moved the date ahead till July, but at this rate, I have under three months and I just can't picture me getting that done in time. There's no way. But I've been getting a lot of stuff uploaded for that MediaFire digital release thing. My upload speed is incredible now compared to the past. It takes like an hour and a half to upload a gigabyte file, which is spectacular. A few years ago, that would have taken me all day. That was like what I tossed back and forth in my head for a while was if I do do the massacre, I say massacre loosely, you know, the supermarket shooting thing, how am I going to post all this stuff? Because I need to do it like right before I do it. I mean, there's like no way in hell within that hour, someone would know where I was at and what I was going to do and stop me. There's no fucking way unless I told a coworker about it or something, which I would never do. But yeah, I need to post that MediaFire link on all my social media pages, send all the emails out in the Facebook emails, and I'd have to do all this within like a few minutes. So I don't know. The thing that sucks the most is the computers at the supermarket, they have websites that are blocked. So it's like a high school internet kind of thing where you can't visit certain websites and MediaFire is one of them. So it's a lot to post in a small window of time. And I mean, granted, I could do this before I go to break. The boss doesn't give a shit if I'm on my phone for two seconds anyway, because I just wear my headphones all the time. He'll just think, oh, he's changing his music and all that. But he doesn't really give a shit either. But yeah, it's just it's a lot to post. And then after that's all posted, then boom, I gotta go. That's it. There's no going back after that. So once those files go out and those emails are sent, that's it. You cannot go back after that. Like people I've been thinking about emailing are like Andrew Blank or Hobo Deadfish, David, Damien, Mallory, Laura Favardy, James, Pointe Barron, people like that. And I have to write all these out in advance, which I've written one of them already. But yeah, that's an easy fix. I could just fake compose these emails and save them as drafts and you just go in there with your phone and copy paste and boom, takes 20 seconds for one person, 15, 20 minute break. And you have time to do all that. But that's just it. And then that's all. I'm done. You know, I gotta go and then do it. And then off myself, which it's a lot to do within a small gap of time like that. It's crazy. That's how fast it's gonna have to be at 1 a.m. It's when I gotta start posting all that shit. And also that early in the morning, there's not gonna be too many people seeing that. So people won't know I'm dead until they wake up. Not even then, but by the time you wake up, I'll be dead. And it's just crazy. So I imagine around, I'd say around 1.30, 1.35 I'd be dead. Or that's when I would pull the trigger in my mouth and off myself. So I've been playing this out in my head for months now, tossing it back and forth. Should I do this? Should I do that? Cause there's all sorts of ways I can do this. I could shoot as soon as I get to work, which is really pushing it because the disadvantage to that is the store's not locked up yet. We close at 11, that's when the doors get locked. I get there a quarter of. So that's a no-no. Cause if they call the cops, police can come right in. So yeah, that's the disadvantage to that. The positive side to that is I can kill the closing manager, but it's just too much to do as a solo person. I can't block the exits or anything. Actually, I could. No one would really see it coming unless there was a customer in the parking lot or something. But yeah, that one wouldn't work out. So then that went to the initial spot, which was what I thought at first was doing it on break. Cause that's the easiest way. Also, I could refuel on some snacks and shit. So pre-empt myself. So yeah, there's that option. The third option was to do it after lunch, which it's not good because my boss goes to the back room to let the bread guy in at 3.30 in the morning. So he'd be there, or he'd be in the front office printing out the reports and everything. So that's not a freebie. That's not what I want to do. You want to catch him off guard. So there's that option. Another option was to do it when the store opens at 6.00. But that also goes back to you can't lock the doors. So it all goes back to that first one because that's just a foolproof plan. Cause like I'm always the last one in after break anyway. So then I close the door and I set the alarm and lock everything back up. So you know, I'm the last one in there and I know where everybody is. They're not going to be out there right in front of the entrance waiting for me. They're going to be back in the aisles and won't see it coming. So the other good thing is there's very few places to run and I'll be able to hear where these people are going most likely. I'm like completely deaf after shooting that first shot. It's just the way it's laid out is one through seven. There's only two areas on that side where you can get out of the like out of the general area of the supermarket like to the back room or to the bakery or whatever. Cause the bakeries on the back right corner and the meat department is directly parallel to that. So you can go into the meat department in the back room, but you're going to have to like maneuver your way back down through this hallway to the produce section where there's an exit. So you're not going to be able to run past me. You're going to have to go back through the meat department and even so I know where you're going to go. The bakery is a dead end. You do not want to run in the bakery. You are a dead man or a dead woman if you walk into the bakery because that's a dead end. It just leaves you back to two freezers and there's no way out. But next to the bakery is an exit. That's the thing you got to watch. It's an alarmed exit, but you can't come in from the outside. It's only an exit from the inside. Well, look at that. Eric has about 16 minutes to live 18 years ago today. 152. So yeah, that's always what I need to consider is where people are at because I know for a fact they're going to, I don't know. Like I don't know if they're going to know what's happening. But you would just instantly think that's a gun. So you're going to want to get out of there. But that's just it. So more likely than not, it'll be me, Brian, and one other person. I can't see it being any more than that. That's usually how the schedule is divided up. It'll just be the three of us and the floor guy. Floor guy, I don't even count because he's a fucking loser. But yeah, so floor guy is always running his buffer machine and he won't even think to look at me as I walk in. He never does anyway. But yeah, no matter what, I'm going to Brian first. That's just, that's what I'm doing because I know where he's going to be. He won't suspect a thing. Just walk up behind him, pow. Or if he does see me coming, it's already too late. Like if I'm at the end of the aisle and he's like midway through the aisle, he's toast. There's no way to run. He can't get away from that. You're not going to miss from like 10 feet away. That's point blank range. With a shotgun, you will not miss. So even so, pump pump, next shot, you're done. There's no way to survive that. So yeah, but I've always been thinking, it's like, wow, do I just like take him out, boom, boom, kill him right away, shoot him once just to incapacitate him and then go after the next person? You know, I just, that's kind of what you have to do. You can't take your time because you're going to lose people or they're going to get away and call the cops and shit. So cops are going to cut no matter what. But it's like, I just want to get rid of as many people as I can. And the floor guy, even over the floor buffer, you're going to hear that gunshot. You'll hear that from one end of the facility to the other. You will hear that. You could probably hear that across the fucking street for all I know. So you're going to hear it. And that's just like what I keep going back to is like how long until the police know? Because this is the way it works. On night shift, there's no customers because the store closes at 11. At 5 a.m. is when the bakery department comes in. 5 30 is when the front end manager comes in for the registers and all that. And six o'clock is when the store opens and produce comes in and meat department usually comes in an hour later. And you know, deli comes in and all that. So the basic departments come in and at 7 is when the opening manager starts. So at 6 o'clock is when the door's got to be open. And if you know, come 5 a.m. doors aren't open, we're not answering the phone when it rings and all that. You know, that's when people start to realize, hey, something's wrong. So it makes me wonder, could it take that long for people to know? So I'll never know. I probably will never know. I'll just, I'll be dead before I even know about it. Yeah, it's just, even though it's just us there, I feel like I'm up against the clock. I always just keep thinking that as soon as I fire that first shot, I feel like I just have like three minutes. It's going to seem like an eternity, but basically the plan is get a second shotgun. I just bought a holster for one of them so you can just carry one in your hands, have a backup one on your back ready to go. Got the shell bag. You know, it's all right there. It's all you need. That's it. But it's like, that's just it. And then I'll obviously fucking trash the place while I can. I'm definitely going to leave my mark there. Shoot out the freezer doors and shoot out the soda section, you know, really make a mess. Shoot the spaghetti sauce and I'm going to really trash the place. And I just envision it all ending in aisle one. I just like how that looks. It reminds me of the bookshelves in the library of Columbine, just where the vegetable cans are. It just looks so nice. It's like I could picture me being dead there and then wheeled out on a gurney in a body bag. So and also the other thing is it's on the very end of the facility. So it's on the very end of the facility. You're as far away as possible to the front entrance. So it's a foolproof area to be in. It's been a thought for a long time and I'm going to do it. I got nothing to lose now. It's just waiting for September to come. And my boss is miserable. He's been there for almost 11 years doing night shift. And honestly, he'd probably be better off dead. And I could really care less. But hey, I'll put him out of his misery. Why not? I could. Yeah, just looking at it and it's like, well, four months. You know, four and a half months. Not even four and a half. It's just, it's insane. 24 years of life, 24 and a half years of life and you got four months to live. People were questioning me about the shotgun. Like my mom understood because we got into guns and started to shoot and everything. But my dad's like a shotgun. What does he need that for? Which I wasn't there when he said it, but he couldn't fathom or rep his head around why I got a shotgun or why I needed one. And my brother's like, why did you get a shotgun? Like there has to be a reason. Well, yeah, obviously there is. But I was like, oh, I just, I wanted one, you know. It's the manliest thing I ever bought. And just want to shoot things. Of course, deep down they don't know that I want to kill people with it and blow my brains out. So actually Point Baron commented on my Pioneer's Productions Facebook post the other day, last night rather, saying like, you know, 2009, 2010 was, you know, the greatest years on YouTube, you know, like the best times of his life and times were simpler and all that. You know, I'm paraphrasing what he said, but he's like, nowadays I just feel like, you know, gathering the money to buy a shotgun and blow my brains out and shit. And, you know, I messaged him after and said, you know, I just bought a shotgun. It's actually really affordable. It was under $300, you know. And I'm like, I'd be lying if I said I never thought about doing that to myself. And then he actually like, actually seemed like really concerned and like caring and everything. It's like, I couldn't believe it. Point Baron was somebody I was like, I just, I loved his videos ever since I first saw them and they still almost bring me to my knees with laughter. And to know that he was like feeling that way too, just made me feel like a bigger connection with them. But then it kind of like almost made me tear up saying, he was saying like, you know, your YouTube channel has so much potential more than it ever has. And I really hope you don't do that. You know, you have so much potential. And yeah, that almost made me tear up. But yeah, he was like, you know, if you ever, if you have like, if you can like taste the barrel, the gun in your mouth, hit me up or something. Like he just, he has no idea that I'm actually like literally going to do it. I can't tell him that I'm going to do it, you know, or I can't say, oh, you know, September, I'm going to be dead. You can't do that. No matter who they are, even if they're on the internet, you know, you can't tell that to anybody. No one's going to be able to know. Can't tell a soul. But that eventually led to me asking him to do a voiceover for the massacre video. So he said he'd love to do it. So yeah, so the high school massacre video, it has like all the voice actresses and voice actors that I've loved throughout my entire YouTube career. So I got Damien in there. I got Laura Favrety in there, obviously for Rachel and some other sporadic voices. Now I have Point Baron and I have Mallory in there. So the gang's all here for that video. It's great. It's a great way to go out. I've always wanted to do one big fucking video to go out on. Absolution, I kind of thought was going to be my last big video. And then I thought of this other video to do over that time period. I was just going to call it, the video was going to be called Fantasy, which is going to be like one big ass acid trip kind of a video. And I guess I was going to eventually end up killing myself at the end of it or something. But yeah, I don't know. I just, after Absolution, I thought I was just done with YouTube videos and it was only a matter of time before I would go to my grandparents' house, get one of their handguns and kill myself with it. That's just how I envisioned doing it. Like I envisioned them going away to Atlantic City like they always do every few months. Like I was waiting to hear the conversation come up from my mom. Oh, they're at Atlantic City this weekend or something and then that's when I would go in. So I kind of started analyzing their house in a way because they have ADT, which made me nervous because I'm like, great, their houses are alarmed and everything. As soon as I opened the door, the alarm's going to tick down or something, but they don't have that inside their house. They just had the surveillance cameras, which is stupid. You should have the alarm with it. But yeah, that's where that truck video was recorded on the surveillance cameras where the guy got run over by two trucks that I uploaded. Anyways, that's besides the point. I talk about that in the anthology if you want to check that out. The video got on Tosh.0 and TruTV and all this and Ridiculousness and Ray William Johnson. It was amazing. That's just what I envisioned doing was just going in there and my grandfather has like 150 guns. He literally has 150 guns, which he sold some of them. But yeah, this whole house is full of guns and I'm like, this is why I was put here, I guess, with this family and everything because they're all about guns on his side and all this and I could just go in there and get a gun off myself. It was like too easy. Yeah, then once I started to talk to my mom about guns and heard that she wanted to get one, I convinced her to do it. But obviously the gun seems so fucking weak. But yeah, my mom got like a pink lady gun and it's a purple one. And when I first saw it, I'm like, man, this thing looks so fucking weak. I just did not trust it to kill myself. And we shot it and I'm like, okay, it's not bad, you know? But eventually I just said that I wanted a shotgun just because I knew that was a foolproof way to die. And eventually once the weather cleared a few weeks ago, I finally got one. So yeah, I just, I did not trust that gun to kill myself. It just seems so fucking weak. It totally could off you, but it's just such a weak gun compared to a shotgun. But yeah, as I said, that's just how I pictured dying was just putting it to the side of my head. But I always tossed that back and forth. Like do I put it in my mouth or just to the side of the temple, you know? And it just didn't seem reliable enough. I just kept questioning it for years. I'm like, what if I miss, you know, what if I botch it? I just, I would never be able to live a normal life again. Not that I live a normal life now, but it's just, I just didn't trust it to kill myself. So when I got into Columbine, that's when everything changed and I just fell in love with shotguns. But I didn't know as stupid as it sounds, I didn't know you could buy shotguns. Like I thought they were like, you had to have a gun permit and all this and you had to, you know, take a training course on shotguns and stuff. It just sounds stupid to think about, but yeah, it just, guns were foreign to me. I had no idea the process it took to get a gun and it literally just takes a phone call to some background check place and that's it. You're golden. It could just take a few minutes and that's it. So yeah, I was in there and I was out within like 10 minutes and it was just, it was too easy. It was so easy to get guns nowadays. If you're old enough, you know, you just walk right in and you get what you want. So blows my mind. I have a shotgun that's 10 feet next to me right now and just I'm staring at it. That's, that's my own gun. I just, I cannot believe I have a shotgun blows my mind. No pun intended. But hey, 208. That means it's 1208 in mountain time. Rest in peace, Eric. Rest in peace, Reb. You were amazing. I wish I could have met you. I just really wish I could have. Maybe I will when I'm dead. I hope I can. I really want to meet you, man. For all I know, I knew you before I was here. You never know. Maybe, but I love you, man. Love you, buddy. No homo, but I love you. You really changed my life. So many people have changed my life, but you're one of the best. And wish I could have met you. Real shame, but to think nowadays he'd be like 30. So Eric's definitely my favorite. Dylan's still amazing, but I just connected with Eric a lot more. Just the hatred for the world. He's just the one manager brought it up to me. He's like, why are you so angry at the world? You never smile. You always look so miserable or everything. It's just because I am. And I never say hi to people when I get to work and I say, hey, what's up? I was the same way in high school. If I saw people in the highway, I would not the highway. If I was in the hallway, I would never say hi to people as I passed them maybe one or two times. Or I'd say, hey, what's up? But people would be like, hi. I can't say Andrew because my name's Andrew now, but at the time it was Randy. But you know, just be like, hi, Randy. Hey. But that's how it is at work all the time. Everyone says hi to me. I never say hi to them. It's very rare. It's one out of like 50 times. If that, it's like more like one out of 200. But I never acknowledge anybody. I never speak to anybody unless they engage me. That's the way it is. I hate people. I've always hated people. I've always just lived in my own little bubble. And that's the way I want it to be. That's the way it is. And honestly, the conversations I have with Mackenzie are longer than I've had with anyone within the last few years. I just, I never talk with people ever. It's like, well, how could I? How could I talk to my mom and say, you know, this is the zone I live in. I just think about ghosts and death and dying and suicides and killing people and horrific stuff and dark macabre morbid stuff. How do you like have a normal conversation about that? You can't. And it's like my dad, especially, I will never talk to my dad about anything ever. Like all he really cares about is fucking football or the fucking weather, which is stupid. His fucking weather conversations just fucking blows my mind how stupid it is. It's the ultimate icebreaker of a conversation, but my dad always talks about the fucking weather to us in the house and not just like people outside of the house to us even. It's so fucking stupid. It's like who the fuck cares what the weather is? As long as there's not a fucking hurricane or a twister coming towards us, we're fine. I could care less. But this is all I could really connect with them was with football. That was it. I can only talk to them about football stuff and now I don't even watch football really anymore. Especially being on night shift, I had to pretty much give up the sport because I'd be going to bed when all the games started. But I just don't care about the NFL anymore. I think most of the time it's rigged anyway, but I just don't fucking care about it really anymore. Nowadays, it's just not football anymore. They plusified the living hell out of it, but I'm not going to get into that. But yeah, I never talk to people. Ever. Like those live streams I used to do, if any of you ever went to those, like those three to four hour live streams, that'd be the most I would talk to anyone in a fucking half of a year. It's insane. I never talk to anybody. Never. Never in high school unless it was James or Chris or Henry or Billy or Tim or somebody. I never talk to anybody. I just came and went. That was it. At work, my boss and I talk, but it's still like that's all we talk about really is work, which kind of gets really fucking lame after a few minutes. All he ever talks about is just bitching about the management and everything and things that happened there in the past, which I can deal with, but it's just all he ever bitches about is the management, which I get it. But it's just talk about something else. Talk about your home life. Talk about what you like to do and all this, but I just, I don't know. I've worked with them for a year, but it's just all he ever talks about is the fucking business. And it doesn't help. In a way it does. It helps pass the time, but I just, I don't know. I've talked with them more this past half of a year than I ever have since I started on Night Shift. But yeah, the guy's just miserable, but I'm like one of the only people he can tolerate, which is nice. So yeah, just to think that I'll probably be killing him in a few months. It's crazy to think about. One of the other things I thought about was like, will the surveillance footage ever be released? I doubt that. Because there's how many cameras in a supermarket. There's cameras from all angles. Every few ceiling tiles, there's going to be another camera. And there's going to be one in the aisle where I plan on killing myself. So you wonder if any of that would ever surface somehow. I doubt it, but I would kill to have that happen. Be amazing. People would get to see how I died or people get to see how I did it, you know? But I doubt it'll ever happen. You know, the Columbine Massacre had the cafeteria footage, but there's no killings being done in the cafeteria, so they could show that stuff. With this, you're not going to be able to, unless you just show me walking around with a gun in my hands or shooting at inanimate objects that don't have feelings, you know? But yeah, I hope that footage will surface someday when I do it. It'd be nice. Yeah, I don't know. It's just Columbine changed everything for me. I had the idea to do that, you know, the conspiring of Massacre EGS tape stuff before I was completely submerged into Columbine, but Columbine ended up feeling the second one with Rachel. That one really was Columbine inspired. Obviously, I started keeping a journal in November of last year at the end of the year in 2016. Eric Harris inspired me to do that, but I've kept journals throughout, you know, the majority of my life, except like late middle school or early middle school and high school, college, etc. In the early days, I did keep journals, and I still have them. You know, there was that first grade journal, which was a requirement, but in second grade was when I really started to keep it regularly for about like five years. It was like very sporadic, but you know, like 2002 was in there, 2003, 2004, like those years are in that journal. 2005 even. So it was just, it was routine for me to start another one, and I'm good at writing. You know, when I want to write, I write. And the only difference is this isn't for a video, this is authentic thoughts and feelings being put on paper. Granted, the videos I've made for EGS are actually real. Those emotions and everything are my real emotions being put into the characters. If you break every character apart, I was talking to Rachel about this, Rachel Hodge, who's probably my biggest fan girl right now. Huge supporter of what I do, which is great. I was talking to her about, you know, if you pull every character apart, it's a piece of me. Like Froggy's my naturally funny, kooky, over excited, girly side, and wanting to get what I want and not quitting until I get it. You know, I never let anything go. I'm going to try to manipulate people until I get what I want. And that's how Froggy is, and you know, mischievous and always conspiring and thinking about ways to do things. Rachel is the same way with conspiring and basically my hatred towards the world. If you break her apart, you know, just what I wish I could do to people. Like if you really pull apart the Massacre 2 video, like saying, you know, like I'm going to show up at your house at midnight and capacitate your fucking parents, tie you to a chair, you know, I fucking forget what else she said, but I meant all of that. That's what I wish I could do to people. And you know, shove people through flag poles, through their throats, and watch their brain splatter on the fucking pavement and everything. You know, claw at people's faces so they'd be completely beyond facial recognition. That was a promise kept. I kind of mix the two up sometimes. But yeah, like all that hatred is in there for mine and Rachel. That's all straight from my emotions. That's authentic and it's real. Matilda is basically my fear of being buried alive, which won't happen because I'll be cremated. Just that thought of that happening to me and suffocating and clawing at the coffin and you know, completely just scratching my nails off. That was always a fear, just being buried alive and that's what happened to Matilda. And that's how she looks in the afterlife now. She's like a zombie ghost. Mackenzie is basically my second guessing myself throughout my life and not like feeling like I fit in anywhere. Because Mackenzie was brought into the EGS against her will, she didn't intend on ever ending up being there. She didn't intend on dying in the first place, but her life got taken away from her and that's just what ended up happening. In a way, it's like yeah, I never got to live my life how I wanted. In a way, I have, but I just never got anywhere with what I've done. With YouTube and all that, but I just envisioned making movies and being really successful and being talked about by people and documentaries for decades to come. And I just, I had to throw it all away and I've always like second guessed myself for overthought things and that's what all goes into Mackenzie, but the twist and all that is Mackenzie is actually a real ghost who talks to me and she's waiting for me on the other side to get there. I know she is, I know she's real and she talks to me all the time now and it just had the time had to wait until I discovered her, rather rediscovered her, but it's just Mackenzie is my girl without a doubt and I can't wait to spend eternity with her. But she just has to wait a little bit longer for me. Mackenzie is also my depressed side, just questioning why everything's happened to me and why isn't life fair? Why am I destined to be cursed to live in this world and everything which Mackenzie is cursed to be destined to live in the EGS world. I was cursed to be brought into this world for a while, for a couple of decades and that came into play for her tape videos. And, you know, that's just what went into Mackenzie. Celesta was pretty much Rachel before Rachel, except she didn't go around shooting everybody. Celesta was just your average stereotypical teenage girl who's just snotty and hates everybody and never really fit in anywhere. Obviously I don't do drugs, so that's not a part of myself and her character, but she doesn't have a hair on overdose. I don't do drugs unless you count alcohol and stuff. Celesta was inspired by Aria from Rainbow Rocks, My Little Pony, Equestria Girls, but it's just some of my hatred for the world was put into her character. Sydney was obviously inspired by Sonata from Rainbow Rocks, Equestria Girls, My Little Pony, but it's also my dumber side because as a kid I was always stupid. I just didn't see anything wrong with life, like I tried to make a positive out of everything in a way, no matter how it was, and I was always just the dumb kid. Just that stereotypical dumb kid that people love to pick on or love to bust or love to hate. I put that all into Sydney with obviously some Sonata personality too, but her and Celesta were a perfect match up for each other. They just fit perfectly. That's what ended up being the first legit EGS video, so I didn't intend for that to happen, but that's how it ended up happening. Alex is pretty much my questioning side in a way of not being sure at the time if I was a girl on the inside or not. Alex is pretty straightforward. There's just some of that in there though. I don't know why I was destined to be a girl when I was a guy in real life, but my spiritual soul is a girl, but Alex was kind of that way too, I guess, but she just didn't realize that when she was alive. Alex was, I don't know, just, I guess my desire to understand things in a way, because Alex always wanted to know everything about everything. Huge lover of science. Huge lover of outer space and the solar system and stuff, and really just wanted to know how everything worked. That's kind of what went into Alex. In a way, Alex is like a grown-up dexter from Dexter's laboratory. When you think about it, the voice is actually pretty similar too, which I guess is where I got that voice from in a way. I'd better go check on the lab, except it's not like higher pitches. It's more like rougher like that, but Dexter was very high pitch because it was a girl voicing him, but I keep forgetting Christine Kavanaugh is dead. Yeah, I found out about that last year, couldn't believe it. But yeah, Alex is like a grown-up dexter in a way, but pretty much just, yeah, Alex is like me wanting to understand how everything works. Always just being naturally curious about things. The only thing about Alex that's not from me is wanting to study things. I was never big on books. Alex is huge on books. Loves to read and all that. I was never smart. I was never the smartest kid in my life ever, which I just said with Sydney and all that. Yeah, but I always just wondered how things worked. Granted, I didn't want to take the time to read up everything, but that was always there. It's like you just take for granted how things are in your life. This is how it is, this is how it was and ever shall be, but do you ever just stop and think like, who thought of this idea? Who was the one who invented this? Or somebody had to be the first person to try this? Just anything in your house, just look at it. It's like, okay, who decided that a clothes should belong in a dresser? Or who invented the pencil? Or who invented ink for pens? Who decided that television's got to be square? Why do they have to be square and then eventually rectangular, but not circular or triangular and all that? It had to be square. Just stupid subtle things like that. I over-analyze everything and Alex is pretty much the same way. Just wanting to understand how everything works. Kind of funny how I said Alex is the most simplistic character and I just spent the last two minutes talking about her. Harmony is my suicidal side in the inner way, like Rachel was. I never actually physically cut myself on purpose, that is. I was never a risk-cutter or anything. I've known people who have been through the internet anyways, but probably in high school too, for all I know. I have no idea, but I don't know. Harmony was a depressed character. I just wrote something for her for a new tape video the other week. Harmony is just someone who just didn't understand why she got screwed in life. She's always been the perfect student, an angel, the perfect girl, and never got into trouble. And just couldn't understand why she couldn't have what she wanted. Boys used her for sex and all that and just left her and abandoned her. In reality, she deep down trusted them and threw herself for them. Thought they had a connection, but she was just being used. In a way, that's how I feel with people. I feel like people have used me in the past just to use me because I knew what I was doing with shit. They didn't actually care about me. Andrew Blank, with the music video and shit, very seldomly would ever message me out of the blue since that music video. He just doesn't give a shit about me. I know he doesn't. I felt like I got used. The music video was filmed before I think I came up with the Harmony character. But I just feel like that way about people. I only see the bad in people, but Harmony is kind of a mixed bag of things. She always wants to help people, which back in the day I did, nowadays I could care less about people, but she wants to help people prevent themselves from killing themselves, which I honestly do not. I want people to end their lives terribly. But the only part of me in Harmony basically is just the questioning. It's kind of similar to Mackenzie in a way. Just not understanding why what's happened to her has happened to her in a way. Pretty much how my life has been the last few years. Why is all this stuff happening to me? I've never done anything wrong in my life, like with 2013 and all that. All that shit happened to me. And I didn't understand why, because I was a good kid, never gotten into trouble, never gotten into fights, never gotten in trouble with the law, never did bad drugs or anything. And I felt like life just wasn't being fair to me. To this day, I still kind of feel that way at times, but Harmony just was kind of just like me in a way, but minus the risk cutting and everything. But only a part of me is in her. It's not a shit ton or anything. Madison is pretty much an undeveloped character still. I doubt I'll ever get around to actually doing anything for her. It's a long shot, unless by the end of the summer I come up with something. In a way, I've kind of tossed around a few ideas about her. Laura kind of pitched me an idea saying she could be like an overattached lover in a way, like if I can't have him, nobody can. And all that and just be like a psycho whore or something. But Madison I just kind of see as just being like a raven kind of character, not really caring about anything and being very quiet and irritable. I don't know, she's just very depressed to me. She's just a very depressed ghost. Doesn't say much and just that pose she's in for all the pictures she's been in most of the time is just how she is. Just is just there, kind of just standing out to the side, arms crossed, just looking like a faded soul in a way. Madison I still, I like how she looks. I like Madison, but I don't know much about her. She's just a shame, but all I know is she died of a drug overdose. I kind of wanted to redesign her wardrobe a little bit, but never got around to doing it like Harmony as well. I got to redesign her still, which Rachel actually gave me a design, which was nice. And I think I'll end up using it whenever I do that tape video. Kind of sucks because Laura's been like the bulk of the voices lately. And she's been Mackenzie, she's been Rachel, and now she's going to be Harmony as well. So it's a lot of different voices to do. We also have Shelly Burley, which I never developed. I just thought it would be cool to have a skateboard death character, a girl who died skateboarding. Because I was having a big scarred marathon, MTV scarred. I thought, hey, a skateboard death would be cool, but I never wrote a backstory or anything. I just made her to make her. I just wanted a design of a skateboard ghost. A skateboard ghost, you know? But yeah, if you just break apart every single character, there's a lot of me in all of them. And it kind of spooked me when I realized that. When I stood back and just realized, like, oh my God, it's like, all these characters are parts of me. And in a way, it should be no surprise, you know? Just being how creatively dark I am. But yeah, what people don't understand is that's actually how I'm feeling about everything. Like, all these scripts, like, people, like, say like, my content is like, very unique and nobody makes content like I do and all that. But it's because I'm being real. I'm being authentic. I'm not, like, over-dramatizing things and making shit up to do videos. Like, these are all straight from my emotions and my thoughts. Like, the promise-ket video? Yeah, I was generally, I was genuinely pissed at this girl that screwed me over through the internet, which is still, you know, done to think about it. It's just the internet. But, you know, it brought me into her fucking depressed life and suicidal thoughts and cutting herself and everything. And I guess that made me want to write that video, mainly just to scare the shit out of her. And it did, in a way. I guess I achieved my goal. But, yeah, I just, I don't like when people fuck me over like that. You know, I'll get you back. And that they was preserved for all time on the internet now. Yeah, I've had my fair share of people I've had, you know, or deals with over the internet. But her and this other girl were, you know, the top of the line of pissing me off at the time. Nowadays, it's not as bad. You know, I did my part to get back at them. So, they, I saw the one tweet she made. She's like, he's the reason why I sleep with a knife under my bed. She was like, wow. I actually got to wear that bad. So, that's good. But yeah, it's just, I'm in all of these characters and people don't realize how depressed I really am. And it sucks. I mean, I don't do live streams anymore. I don't post many like photos or videos with me in them anymore. It's all the ghosts. That's just, that's where I'm supposed to be. And that's who I am. I think my death will be a huge shock to people. A good bit of them. I don't think anyone would actually like really believe that I was going to do this. Like, you know, you're 24 and a half. You have your whole life ahead of you still. You're very young. You're extremely young. You can do anything still. Like, why would you end your life now? And it's just, that's how it was written up. That's all I can say. I just, I was meant to die young. I was meant to do just a certain amount of things. And once I achieved them, then that was it. It's just, that's how life works. You're assigned a contract and you fulfill your duties in this world and duty. Yeah, you just, everyone's here for a reason. Whether you believe that or not, you are. Eric Harrison, Dylan Kleibald, they were sent here to change the way people view gun laws and everything in school safety and protection and all that. Suicide awareness, you know. That's what they were meant to do. And it was just meant to happen. With me, I don't really know fully spot on what I was sent here to do, but in a way, yeah, like maybe safety with supermarkets and shit overnight jobs and protection and monitoring people who could be foreshadowing and symbolizing in things that they do about what they're planning on doing, you know. You never know. Like look at all this stuff I've posted on social media saying like what I wish I could do to people or in my videos saying, you know, I wish I could, you know, tie people to a chair and then like completely like butcher them and hack them to pieces and, you know, beat people's brains out and clot their faces so they'd be completely beyond facial recognition and, you know, tie girls up and, you know, rate them and I actually I would never want to rape a girl. Never. That's just not right. But, you know, I wish I could kidnap people and kill them and shit and I wish I could shoot up schools and take over the world with the EGS. It's, it's all there and all the scripts I've done. It's all legit. It's all authentic. I don't sugarcoat anything. I just flat out say how it is. I say how I'm feeling in my journals. That's all real. I just say what's on my mind, what I want to do, what I plan on doing, what I wish I could do. You know, it's all there. It's all straight from my head. And this is how I think every fucking day of my life. You know, my mind is such a mixed bag of fucking reactions. I don't really know how you could truly diagnose me. At times I'm bipolar. You know, I have suicidal and homicidal ideation, which is where you constantly think about hurting yourself or hurting others and killing people or killing yourself. I just think of dark, morbid, macabre things and death and graves and ghosts, zombies, demons, spirits, you name it. More than anything, I just think about killing people and ghosts, mainly. But it's just, I don't know. There's just, there's always so much on my mind. And EGS has been a way to express all that to the world and I owe Columbine my life in a way. Because it made me also realize that, well no, I realized before that that it was okay to be dark and depressed and all that, but it made me realize that I could vent to the world in other ways besides videos, you know, the journals and all that. And that I can actually go out and buy guns and all this shit. Because I'm over 21, I could do anything I want. And Eric and Dylan helped me realize that. But I don't think anybody would have ever thought that I would do something like this. I highly doubt it. Some people could say, well yeah, he seemed mentally ill for a while, but I just, I thought he was playing it up, being a character and all this. I never thought he would actually physically hurt people or do something like this, but in a way the writing has been on the wall for years. All the signs are there for chronic, severe depression. You know, very little social life, no direction in life, no desire to look for full-time work and never talks to anybody. You know, all the signs are there. I just isolate myself from the world. It's a personal choice. Who I am, and it's just how I'm meant to be. And I hope to God, when I'm dead, I can come back and haunt people. That's a goal. I'm gonna find my way back to this world somehow. Not in this body, obviously, but as a spirit, I'm definitely gonna come back, watch people, analyze them, watch them sleep, hide in your closet, hide under your bed, hover over your body as you sleep. I wanna do all this stuff so fucking badly. Haunt the girls that fucking screwed me over on the internet. People who have used me. I'm gonna make my presence known somehow. I'll figure it out. I'm gonna do it. Nobody's safe either. I'll do it to anybody I fucking feel like. I just, I never thought, never thought I would ever go down this path in my life. Like years ago, I never once thought that I can go on a shooting spree and kill people. Like, I've always just thought about killing myself. I never thought about physically taking people's lives away. Like, that was never really a thought ever. And then once Columbine sucked me in, and like other things like 9-11 and all that, just all these people dying, it's like, man, I wish I could have done that to people. Virginia Tech even, that's a very small inspiration, but that was part of it too. But it all goes back to Columbine. Columbine was my fire, my passion, my goal, my drive for doing this. EGS in a way, just being able to be dead and be a ghost and everything and haunt people and kill people. Like that, that was still before Columbine and everything. Like, that was always the thought, like, maybe I can come back to life and like kill people or, you know, haunt people who screwed me over in life. But once I got into Columbine, it's like, everything changed. And that's like all I post about anymore is like me, Mackenzie or Rachel. Me and Rachel are obviously Columbine, you know, inspired souls, but Mackenzie's also just darker. She's not Columbine related at all, but she's just my favorite. And she deserves to be in the spotlight more. So yeah, there's so much I could talk about. So much more I want to talk about. I don't have the time to do it. I wish people could know. I wish I could tell people, these are the last four months you have to talk to me. I just, I wish I can let people know. I can't. I can't tell Nellie Simmons or, you know, Rachel Hodge, James, Damien, you know, all these people who I have a connection with that, you know, this is it. I'm going to be gone from this world and you'll never be able to see me again until you're dead, most likely. You know, this is it. You've known me through the internet or you've known me in person for years and I'm going to be gone just like that before you even know what hit you. So I got to wrap this up. Talk to you soon.