So it's been quite a while since I recorded with this thing. The last time I had this out was back in December and I went off on a bunch of things and Been doing a lot of thinking over the last few months and things make so much more sense now than they did like two years ago and every night I just go deep into the thought and Recently started a journal and the last time I recorded with this I Did not have much written in that journal. It was just the beginning of it now I only have around 40 pages left in the thing. So I write a lot There's 180 pages in that journal and I filled up about 85% of it Today's March 26 2017 I'm gonna try to record as much as I can while I can because I don't know how long I'll have the house to myself right now I just I'm just in a better mood today and It's rare it's very rare for me to be in a very like Normal mood like this like not pissy or bitchy or anything today felt really different and Then I really started to see things and so I got my journal out and I wrote and I think I figured out the meaning of life And it's just my opinion obviously you're gonna have people you know not agreeing with you and everything But this is what I came to terms with is that everyone is sent here on a mission Okay, everyone has a soul. All right That's not an opinion. That's a fact. Everyone has a soul whether you like it or not. You have a soul, okay? Every single human being who's sent here on earth who was born here is here on a mission and You have a contract That you sign or that's given to you prior to being born here on earth We all have an agreement of what we're supposed to do Before we get here. So when we get here on earth and we're born We forget everything about where we came from the afterlife Heaven whatever the hell you want to call it To me, it's not I don't call it heaven. I just call it the afterlife. Okay, and No matter what you are no matter what you believe in you will have an afterlife It doesn't matter if you're atheist you will have an afterlife It will not be complete blackness and darkness for the rest of time It you will have an afterlife. Okay Now the way I see it is we all get sent here and we have a contract that we sign that lists What we're supposed to do what we're meant to accomplish and how we'll do it and the decisions will have to make and We're given general specifics of where we should go to school where we should live and reside Where we should work just the directions and paths that we should take and it's by these choices That leads your life through the end now It's very hard for me to like remember every single thing. I just wrote in the journal and just speaking off the top of my head from What I remember that I wrote but We all have a personality we all have traits and This body that we're in here is not your spiritual body Okay Now I wrote before that I'm a girl on the inside, you know I'm I have a male body, but I'm a feminine soul. I'm a female soul. Okay Just because you're a man or a woman on earth Doesn't mean that that's what you are in the afterlife It all depends on what your destiny is and what you're set out to do here. It all depends What your mission is that determines what body you have? Okay, now in terms of sex You can only be a male or female on earth. Yes. I'm a girl on the inside But I'm still a guy no matter what I'm a guy on this planet. Okay, that's how it is There's no in-between. Yes, you have straight people bisexual people Gay people lesbians transgenders, you know, you have all these Specific sex types whatever you want to call it, but the fact of the matter is you're still a guy You're still a girl no matter what that's what you are Okay That's what it is spiritually Yes, you're something different, but on this planet. You're there guy or girl. That's it now I've I've pretty much My entire life have never been able to see my future It's like I've never been able to visualize myself as a 40 year old or a 50 year old Not even a 30 year old, you know, I was never able to visualize myself past my 20s and here I am 24 and a quarter and The way I see it is I have just under or just over five months to live and That's what I've come to accept and that's that's how it is It's like I just know that this is what is gonna happen and this is how it ends and This is what I need to do before I go and this was all like all my entire life I've just never been able to see myself grow up ever That's because I'm not ever an adult. I'm still a kid. I never grew up I'm always like a teenager on the inside and that's how I'm forever gonna be and Just throughout my life. I was never able to see myself past my 20s. It's like I never saw myself get married I can never see myself having a kid. I can never see my parents passing away. I can never see my brother dying I can never see any of this stuff happen and yeah, people say well, yeah But eventually happens well, it won't with me and that's when I started to figure out who I was and then the more Like I just sat deep in thought the more sense it made and that's what you need to do You need to just sit back Just forget about everything that's going on in your life right now Just sit back and just just lose yourself Like I said in one of the EGS tapes just sit there and lose yourself and dive deep into your mind Okay, that's what you need to do You need to just sit there and reflect on your life Think of all the things that have happened to you both negative and positive They all happen for a reason no matter what they happen for a reason Okay, I know I'm saying K a lot and I don't normally say it like this But I'm feeling like I'm a little preacher here talking to you fucking humans, but anyways Everything you do Happens for a reason. Yes, there's some subtle things that don't change anything you get that But all of these circumstances that happen to you throughout your life. They're not only meant to happen They're gonna change how you act down the road no matter what whether you get pulled over and recite or recited Whether you get pulled over or cited for speeding whether you break a bone Whether you wreck your car and total it whether you break up with somebody your boyfriend girlfriend a friend in general Whether you fail a test whether you drop out of school all of these major things you do Change who you are and help you discover who you are and they're meant to happen your life is a script You say it all the time you couldn't have written a better script and all this That's because the script was already written your entire life is scripted and That you know you have the whole free will side of things But the fact of the matter is you're beginning and your end is already scripted before you even set foot on this earth. I Think personally there are things in life right you can make a choice But either way it's still gonna lead you back to what you set out to do and who you're gonna be and how you're gonna die That's how it is Not everyone on earth is a hundred percent human. I'm not I'm from an army of fucking ghosts, you know, it's like There's people who are here who are 100% human and they're meant to be human forever Me I was from a totally different dimension that wasn't really stemming from humans Yes ghosts were formerly people, but I'm a combination of a bunch of different creatures into one I'm not just a human. I'm just many things combined into one and I'm still Trying to figure out who like what that is But I'm just saying what I know for the last 10 years or so I Just death would occasionally Across my mind. I think like well, what do you do when you die? What do you do for eternity? What the hell is heaven like, you know and then as I grew older to be like 17 That's when I really started to drift away from Christianity and Catholic and all that shit that I was brought up and raised with and I just I didn't buy it and what I want to say is What you believe in for your religion? That's your faith and that is what it will be for you Your religion is what you believe in and In the end, that's what it is That's where you'll be. That's where you'll end up That's your mind saying that this is where you were before and I think the first time I legit thought about like killing myself or ending my life was pretty much At the end of middle school because I didn't want to go to high school That was one of the things that I just did not want to do because I I just did not think I was gonna make it through high school and I kept thinking I should kill myself before 9th grade starts and all this and then the date kept creeping closer And closer and closer and then it's like that thought just went away Yeah, I was nervous as fuck for the first day of freshman year but I did it and I somehow got through it and it's like oh it really wasn't all that bad but High school was a shitty time for me And he pretty much everything from high school through now has just been not good but High school 9th grade was okay. I didn't fail anything. I wasn't doing really shitty anything it was in 10th grade where things went downhill for me and That's when I realized the importance of studying and How important grades really are when it really they're not but they are But that's when the fear of failure started creeping in and then it was just like what the hell do I want to do with my life? I can't see me doing anything. That was the other thing too. I could never see me in a profession anywhere. I just never once Pictured like oh my gosh I can do this for the rest of my life like I never had that vision of the perfect job Besides YouTube, which I knew that was impossible and not smart either, but I Just never saw myself in a career and that's what ended up happening. I'm still Working a degree-less job even though I have a degree but It's just my interest in school just tanked and nothing seemed to matter I just didn't care anymore but I cared enough to try to pass because I knew for a fact my parents won't let me drop out and I knew my ass was gonna be fucking beaten into oblivion if I failed out of school So I somehow got through it but I had plenty of lectures from my fucking parents and I wanted to kill my dad terribly after like all the fucking long drives and Just bringing shit up like when it was just me and him alone about school or about jobs or all this shit that I just did not give a fucking shit about and That's when like life really started to get dark for me was when I just realized that you know I don't have a direction like I have interest in all this, but it's not gonna take me anywhere I don't want to do this for my life. You know, it's just a hobby. I didn't want to get a I didn't want to go into Like broadcast or anything because it was fucking stupid with all the deadlines and shit It was just too much pressure and it just wasn't It wasn't me and it's kind of funny how that ended up happening because two years ago I got in the animation, you know, I don't even use the video camera now I haven't used that video camera legitimately in over a year and pretty much a year and It was just what the fuck am I gonna do with my life? You know all the talks right all you know, you have no friends. You don't hang out with anybody. You never go anywhere It's just You're not doing enough with your life and then deep down. It's like it's because I don't fucking give a shit I don't care about making friends. I don't care about people I don't care about this fucking planet. I never Tried making friends like in high school. That was just I was beyond done with making friends by high school elementary school Yeah, I was shy and everything But it is like I just only saw the bad in people and that's how it was and I I had friends You know people knew me. I knew them were we friends? I say it loosely, but yes I had friends did I ever have people over no besides one or two people throughout my entire fucking career and fucking grade school and It was just I was I was just done with people by high school. I didn't care about them I didn't care about anybody in high school, but myself and James pretty much James was the only other person, but even nowadays I don't fucking give a shit about him either but It was just I Don't know So all this fucking real-world shit real-world shit just like got dropped on my fucking lap And I mean, you know 10th grade 11th grade. I'm failing shit. I'm failing ecology. I was failing geometry I was doing bad and trigonometry I was doing bad and fucking history is like every fucking class I either had a C or a D or was borderline F and That was just at the point in my life I was like I just want to fucking kill myself because that's when the ember thing started which was in 10th grade when I Are at the end of 10th grade? Yeah It was just before the start of 12th grade it was the summer after 11th grade ended when I got into ember again and I just wanted to set myself on fire and kill myself Right after I got that job at the supermarket and I just I still remember it very clearly in my fucking head I was walking down past the end caps between Isles one and seven and I was just looking around and just thinking why the fuck am I still alive? Why should I even bother to continue to live? When I had the house to myself one of these days or if my parents go away on a vacation or something which they did Occasionally they'd go on a cruise or the Caribbean or something I'm like I should just pour gasoline all over myself and let him match and I'll die Which I'm glad I never did because that's not even guaranteed to kill you That's ludicrous to think that'll kill you because it's not it's gonna fucking just leave you badly burned and Your entire life is gonna be fucked and That's just that thought was in the back of my head all throughout summer I just kept playing remember over and over and over and over and over and over again And this was long before we had the HD version of this song and it was just I fell in love with this song unlike any other song I've ever heard in my life and it just seemed so familiar and There's no words to describe how good it made me feel. Yeah, it made me sad and depressed, but I loved being in that area I loved feeling emotion. I love feeling expression. I just loved that Song more than anything. I loved ember more than anything But after a few months that kind of faded away for a bit. I finished high school somehow I failed my last high school class ever that's because I had to pick a blow-off class Which there wasn't any good ones left and I got stuck with psychology Social psych psychology and psychology Ironic being like everyone's gonna be analyzing my fucking head after this and I failed it. I didn't pass and of course who's the last person's hand I shake after I got my diploma The fucking teacher of that class. It's been a pleasure. Oh, yeah, it certainly has and I'm glad I failed your class But I'm just thinking on the inside. Oh fucking hell really this guy mr. Gilroy come on and The handshake on the video lasts about like two seconds and it felt like 30 and I just oh Did not want to have to shake his hand at the end there But it's what it was but that day I graduated that was one of the best days of my life and It still gets me to when I think of the Sun setting on that day It was the perfect day to graduate on clear sky breezy Sunset, you know June just before summer. It was fucking beautiful And I wore sunglasses throughout the entire thing because it was so fucking bright But it was just amazing like I felt like energy that I never felt before on that day and It was unbelievable in a way. I wish I can relive it and Just like walking through those halls for the last time when we were all with our classmates and everything it was so awesome Because that was the year that they were gonna knock down our high school It was a 50 year old high school and we are the last class to graduate from it So I'm walking down. I'm walking down, you know freshman hall for the last time Going outside and just looking around and everyone's going down, you know, I think it was like Double file line or something. I don't know but you know, there's people walking all around me and just looking around at these halls And thinking this is it, you know after all these years I'm gonna be out of grade school and everyone's gonna go separate ways and Start families get married, you know all that fun. Lovey-dovey shit And I'm just thinking what the hell is gonna happen now. Where am I gonna go? I have no fucking idea who I even am This is at the same time that I'm living like in the shadow of make me bad 35 thinking I could Get out of college and work with him on YouTube productions and everything like I Was dumb enough to think like that because you know, he was in Maryland. I'm in Pennsylvania We're not that far and here I am thinking oh, I could move down there and help him with YouTube stuff Which I'd never I never mentioned it to him But it was a thought and I'm glad that didn't end up happening because that would have been a shitty decision to do but I'm just thinking what the hell Is gonna happen now so First of all I had to pick a fucking college to go do but anyways June 3rd 24th. No not 2014 June 3rd 2011 was one of the best days of my life I'm just sitting there in the car with the diploma in my hand is yelling. I'm done. I'm done. It's crazy. It's just insane You know in the Sun setting right there and driving away honking the horn and It was amazing We good bit of us came back that night for the overnight lock-in Where they lock you in the high school overnight and have a bunch of activities and stuff Which it seemed like an eternity and plus you're wiped from the entire day all that fucking Like stuff you had hold in like ready to graduate and like all this emotions and stuff And it was all let out by then and then you start getting tired and by two in the morning I was pretty well spent and we had to be in there until like seven o'clock so You're in there for a long time it was like from ten o'clock to seven in the morning And I made it I stayed up all night and then I went to work that day At like three o'clock Four o'clock which was dumb of me. I should have thought to ask for that day off But I went to work. It was a shitty idea. I felt like shit, but yeah, I was done with high school and Little did I know I I would only see James like Three more times after that and he was my best friend all throughout high school Matt Gilbert was my best best friend all through great school until like I'd say The end of ninth grade. That's when I took over James me and him became best friends then and James was He was someone I needed in my life to get through great school It's all I can say I needed somebody to be best friends with and hang out with and you need friends in your life No matter what and no matter how much I hate to say that I make friends. I hate I fucking hate making friends I really I don't like it much. I never did But James was something else. He was He was he just he understood me which not a lot of people really did and We just got along together very well just we both loved the YouTube and making videos and we both knew youtubers and all this shit you know we could we had a lot in common just to put it in a nutshell and It was just it was amazing I didn't have many friends that I like really like did shit with in high school I never did shit with people out of high school like the weekends or anything, you know, but James was The one person I looked forward to seeing when I got there that was really It you know everyone else was just there Talking with their friends and it's just I'm just sitting there thinking like I just want to fucking die and just I Never had like any I Had dreams of being like like on movie sets and making movies or having my videos shown around the world and being on TV and People talking about me or getting interviewed on TV shows like the Ellen DeGeneres show or something and all this shit I had dreams of and then as time went on it's like I just I can't see this happening It just never seemed to be possible and then you know my YouTube channel was Yeah, it wasn't popular, but it wasn't dead My channel was just yeah, like people either liked it or they thought I was a ripoff and At the end of high school. I was still very make me bad Esk in a way I was I was very like my nose and my o's were still like that and I just he rubbed off on me so fucking hard With his videos cuz I like I watched his videos more than anyone's at the time and when you start watching like people for a certain amount of time you kind of start to act like them in a way and To this day, I still feel like a bit of Damien is in me because he is and I wouldn't be where I am today without him And that's where I go back to saying like you're destined to meet people to get you to where you're meant to be and Damien was I never thought for a second the stuff I do with him It's like how in the fucking world did that happen and all goes back to a fucking phone call From a blog TV show and I'll make this short and sweet He was doing a blog TV show with Kyle back when they were in college in January 2009 2009 I was fucking uh, I was 17 Not even I was 16. I was gonna be 17 in September, but yeah, I was 16 and He was just doing something like embarrassing moments like just give me your phone number And I'll call one of yous and you can tell me something embarrassing that happened to you And I just sent him my number for the fuck of it It was like make me bad 35 call at yahoo.com and I just sent it for the fuck of it I'm like there's no fucking way he's gonna call me and if he does and hey I might be able to see what his number is because there was this thing I had called trap call and If people call you from a restricted number, which he did You can ignore the call and in like five seconds It would come back and show what the number was So this is a secret. I've had my entire fucking YouTube career I've had make me bad 35s phone number since January 2009. I still have it somewhere and Then I called it during one of my live shows and I kept saying you know, oh, I have Damien's number like kind of like Notting that I did in a way and I eventually called it and he answers, you know, hello Hello and I Lied afterwards saying all the other that wasn't Damien. That was my friend John or something like I just made it up But it was actually Damien and I called from a restricted number, but I did it like fucking twice He called me again During another live show and I remember just saying like fucking asshole or something like like because I didn't pick up and You know, I did the trap call thing and I showed his number again so yeah, I was a sneaky little fucker back then and That's been and I think it's in my closet somewhere. I wrote it down But he could have changed it by now for all I know, but yeah, I've had Damien's phone number for Eight years But yeah, no, that's out of the way But Damien changed everything for my YouTube channel and when you really look at it Pioneer's productions was my first legit big YouTube channel I had a couple of channels before that that I used Randy stare for Which is my legal born name, which I fucking hate I have like three I had like five Randy stare accounts I like Randy stare Randy stare to Randy stare to network Randy stare three or any sir for and they all had fucking copyright violations on it So by the time I made pioneers productions I'm thinking well There's no fucking way this channel is gonna last very long and I'll just come up with a name and I did and If you want to hear the whole backstory on how I got the name and all that watch the Pioneer's productions anthology And it'll tell you everything you need to know but when you look at it that channel started in June 2008 and it made it all the way to January of 2016 So that was a long fucking time. That's eight years But if you take off if you take off 2008 and most of 2009 The rest is all stuff that was inspired by Damien all those ideas were what he inspired me to make and In 2009, I think the first make me bad parody I did was chips and apple which was a response to his couch potato video and that was in like May of 2009 or something and then every other video after that was very make me bad-esque and That eventually led to mr. Horsehead in November and then you know the rest is history with that and That led to those collabs and it's just one thing kept leading to another and to another and that's when I Kind of had false hope in a way like a false direction. It was like oh I can Probably end up working with Damien someday course that didn't happen, but It was just it was insane all the help that he gave me I never ever thought for a minute That he would even consider doing one video with me let alone doing three for that channel which was a Q&A video in September 2009 and Mr. Horsehead meets mr. Wooden alligator and mr. Horsehead meets mr. Wooden alligator 2 and He did some voiceover recordings for me For a curtain call the scrapped EGS episode and now he's actually working on Some audio for me for the massacre video the final video the Westboro High massacre So Damien's been a great internet friend I I It's the bare minimum of what you can you can consider a friend, but Damien is pretty much friends with anyone on the internet He can call anyone his friend pretty much Just not like personally. Oh, you know we're friends all this like he'll just consider you yeah, I consider you a friend you're an internet friend, you know and I got to play Xbox with them from 2012 through 2014 and that changed a lot for me and It's just I never thought that that would happen and that gave me a reason to keep going and to keep living because if you think about it If you take Damien out of the picture if you take him and you take James out of the picture Where am I now? I'm probably already fucking dead. So you never know and This goes back to it's like I said before you need to meet certain people to get you to where you're meant to be and And without Damien My goddess I have no fucking clue what would have happened Let alone if I didn't have a YouTube channel, but that goes back to everyone is good at something no matter what you're good at something and you'll eventually discover that and I discovered it with YouTube Because all my entire life. I just I had a million things of what I can like Try to do like like thinking like Maybe I could be a football player. That's like kind of where it started I want to be like a quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys and shit Which you fantasize about as a kid anyway winning the Super Bowl and all that That led to you know, like oh, I want to be a bus driver, which is fucking lame Oh, I want to be a fry cook because of SpongeBob Oh I could be a writer and this is one thing started to you know change and get better It's like I could be a writer and little did I know I would end up using that later down the road As well as cartoons. I started doodling in middle school I'm like oh cartoons are cool or comics like I pictured doing comic strips, which in a way is kind of lame But you know it was a start so in the end. Yeah, I used writing and I used the cartoons and I also Love the video camera my entire life since I was first able to pick up the video camera. I loved it I wanted to look in there. I'm like, let me look in there You know, I want to see what's in there and I wanted to take it hold it film stuff And I would pretend to be my parents when they would film things and just like say shit that they would say and I just loved it I'm like I can make movies with this and it just one thing kept leading to another and all these things Flourished into one big-ass thing that I never would have thought would be possible with my YouTube channels the writing the cartoons the video camera Computer final piece. I love computers Matt my best friend all through grade school He had a fucking computer when he was like in first grade and I was jealous as fuck Yes, we had a computer, but it was the entire family's computer to share got pretty annoying I wanted to play computer games everyone else wanted to use it for other shit and It took me until like fucking eighth grade to get my own fucking computer. It took a long-ass time I had a laptop in like early middle school that was barely even functional and and It took that long for me to get my own personal computer, which it was technically me and my brothers but it was in my room, so that's pretty much my computer and By a like seventh grade Yeah, at the end of like fifth grade we Separated from our bunk beds and he went into my parents room and my parents Added on to the house and added a hallway and made a whole other bedroom where they were where they would sleep So my brother just literally moved like five feet next to my room and Was in their room so the computer was in my room and That was the first legit computer I had and It just blows my mind that all those videos I made back in 2008 2009 2010 and the very very very beginning of 2011 were all edited on a compact PC and It was a pretty shitty computer looking back on it, but it got the job done and After that in March of 2011 I got the iMac It was the first big present that I gifted to myself and that was for graduating high school and I'll never forget it costs like $1,200 for that computer and I was just ecstatic overly ecstatic when I was able to get that thing and I used it from 2011 through Early 2016 and I got another iMac which was a newer version because the one I had before was a 2011 When you've had a 2011 Mac for like five years It's kind of time to upgrade because your parts are gonna get old and things just don't become as reliable and it's just I Went through a few problems with it and the hard drive failed on me the graphics card fried on me before and I just Wanted a faster system that could handle shit So I I say built loosely but I built an iMac with a bigger processor You know all this other stuff bigger RAM all this and it was just a lot more reliable And that's what that's what I've been using to this day for the cartoons and everything and It just had to be done because I make videos all the fucking time or at least back then anyways And and needed to handle all the video shit and the other one it was at the end of the line kind of But anyways, you know, I'm rambling But at this point in time you want to hear me talk because you won't be able to hear my voice anymore so But it's just like I said one thing led to another and to another and to another in a way Yeah, they say you pay your dues through life, but at the same time it's already predetermined But yeah, you need to make these choices But It's just all through fucking college. I was just lost No fucking clue where to go and thinking from the very moment I stepped through those doors that I wasn't gonna use that degree. I just could not picture myself using it I didn't want to I would rather work full-time at the supermarket, which is what ended up happening I'll get to that in a minute, but First year of college was all my basic core classes so it was pretty much like I was still in high school but on a college level and It was pretty shitty having to go there for those Now I'm thinking I just want this year to be over with so I could take the major classes and actually film things and do fun stuff well I had some classes that I failed Which this was the start of the I just don't fucking give a shit face for grades I had that like in high school But the fact of the matter was you're still in high school You need to pass and you need to graduate that was like the bare minimum of what I wanted to do was get a high school Deployment like that be it But yeah, I had to go to college because you need a fucking degree in this fucking modern day and age Which I didn't want to get a degree parents made me had no choice but So I failed in the first semester I failed my history class It's a college history class the professor was like 60 63 years old or something very monotone very boring and very easily to daydream through and He uh He just he was just very boring and I daydreamed a lot in the class I didn't take a shit ton of notes. I didn't I didn't study for Jack shit really and Yeah, on every fucking test I got like a 60 percent and You know, I think it was one of those like you know What was the significance of this or define this or what you know the significance of this Like define this and give the significance of a test or you know that shit that you have in history class So I failed Had it like a 60 or something in the class. I can't know Yeah college class you're great you're great at my grades not percentages high school I was great at pipe purse. I cannot talk in high school. I was graded by percentages college It was letter grades again, and I had an F So I had to take another history class I somehow got a C the second time I barely Eeked out of C. He said so that was good Not so good news. I Was gonna fail a biology class I got a D you need a C to pass it So I had to take that over as well About a month way through it. I was gonna fail again And it was a different instructor this time first one was a woman who was like late 30s and very kind of like sedated sounding and didn't really seem like she was really interested in her profession It's kind of nasally sounding and just didn't really seem to give a shit So I got a D second time. I took it. I was even a worse instructor Fucking like Indian Hebrew guy would talk like this for his bio class And he was black black hair fucking stereotype shit that I hate and I hate black people. I hope they fucking die and I'm like, oh my god It's like I'm gonna fucking fail again because I got an alert on my phone And say we just received an alert for your bio class and at the time I'm like it was a message I got a voicemail. I'm like what the fuck does that even mean? Of course, I made the mistake of fucking telling my mom like they said I whoops they said I got an alert for this class and then I very quickly started to realize all that means the instructor Says you're gonna fail so Had a schedule with my advisor which didn't like really do jack shit for me and It was a very shitty advisor and she just did not seem like she gave a shit and This was during the time period where Tom Lynch died. I Talk about this in my journal But Tom Lynch was a kid who was a grade below me in high school. He was in my brother's grade He got killed in a car accident on his way to school in his senior year Which was in the spring of it was the late winter of you know, 2011 But now it was 2012 so it was February 2012 never forget the date February 13th 2012 I'm leaving my college algebra class. I get to the car and then I see the text message that Tom got killed on his way to school in the morning and I knew him I wasn't good friends with them or anything, but I fucking knew him and I never had someone that was my age pretty much who I knew that well die and That was the very very start of EGS Whether I knew it or not that was the very start of it. Although the cartoons technically were the beginning but this is when it started to start and Something just broke in my head Something just died. I can't explain it. You know, they hear the people say like no something just I Just gave or I felt a cold shoulder You know my coat my shoulder felt cold like something grabbed me like a cold hand grabbing you or something and I'm sorry. I need to slow down. I'm like really like really rambling There's so much I want to say and I've sold a little time to do this I got five months to live people. I don't have a lot of time and Something just broke and I sat there in my car. I think it was a it was a cloudy day kind of and I just Wasn't like I felt numb. I just I just didn't feel anything like I just shut down and I just started having flashbacks to all this shit then I Got home and then I looked at my Facebook and yeah, Tom was on my Facebook. I Was gonna work with them actually because my first job I actually applied at McDonald's and after like applying 20 places. That was the only place that called and I worked there for a day did the training and all that and then I quit but he worked there and I would have worked with them And that's another like what if in my life but it was meant to happen and It was just a very dark time was a very dark period I couldn't get death off of my mind at that point before that I was fine. I didn't think about death and dying every fucking day in my life and Then my grades just plummeted D's sees all over the place and that's when I got the alert for my bio class and then I had to fucking tell my instructor why I was doing so bad and I I Kind of blamed it on the Tom Lynch thing because it made the most sense and I'm like, you know there's that kid they got killed in Dallas we went to school with Tom Lynch and and That's been really affecting my grades and I kind of like lied through it But at the same time it was the truth But the other half was I just I didn't want to go to school anymore. I just I wanted to drop out. I didn't want to Do it anymore. I just I didn't want to go to college anymore I still forced myself to go but at the same time was like I just I just want to be done and and The instructor kind of the instructor the advisor just Didn't seem like she gave a shit like I don't know if she thought oh he's just lying through his teeth and blaming it on that or She just she seemed very uncaring but tried to like act like you know Inspirational because it's her fucking job But she just was not a big help and that was the general studies advisor. That's who you get stuck with I had a different advisor the following year because I was in my major at the time, but yeah, she was not a big help for me But I had to drop the class and I had to take a third science class which I was almost supposed to take two but I took another one the following year and I Barely eeked out a C in that class, but yeah I'm rambling, but yeah, Tom's death Just shook my world and it just it made me see like wow this can really happen to anybody and I wished it was me. I really just honestly wished it was me I wish I could have been the one killed then I started over analyzing the the living hell out of it No pun intended because he's dead, but I just kept visualizing it and then like visualizing the funeral Visualizing the viewing all this stuff and like my brother was really good friends with him But he didn't go to the viewing or the funeral. He didn't go to either one of them and I wanted to go because I was Fascinated I slowly started to realize my fascination with fucking death and I wanted to go I'm like I'll go with you and you know, he still declined He was just he was messed up and he didn't want to see that and I Completely understand but being it's your friend and you're never gonna see him again For the rest of your life, maybe ever you should go But he didn't nor did I Because I don't want to go by myself because I was really fucking lame but you know, you I saw all the stuff posted on Facebook about it for the week and it really it it broke me big time and I Probably broke down a few times. I can't really remember but I was just I was broken at that point All right, I just wanted to stop it there so I could save So yeah, Tom's death changed everything Somehow I pulled myself together and passed with like bees and seas and they weren't great grades But I was failing so many things or having dees and it was bad, but I somehow passed and Things kind of went back to normal over the summer and like yeah I still thought about Tom Lynch a lot, but I didn't know him well at all But you know, I had a class with him and I was gonna work with them at McDonald's and you know I talked with him a few times. He was a great guy really great guy and In a way, it's a shame that he had to die so soon But it's what it was so That fall was when I started the major classes, which was the broadcast field. So you had studio production TV production, you know General computer classes that you would take and nothing really major besides the studio class and By that point I already had the speech class. So that was out of the way, which was fucking Not hard, but you know, it was tough It's hard getting up in front of everybody and speaking and preparing speeches that are five to seven minutes along and You know timing it and just getting the courage to do it But you know the studio class I met a guy named Matt Murray Matthew Murray and I Don't know he reminded me like he kind of looked like Tate from American Horror Story. You know What was his name Evan Peters it was really pretty funny and he just he fit Tate to a tee and And he was just a cool guy and I started talking with him, you know told him I did YouTube videos and he was into music and There was another girl in the class Ashlyn Elmore Who me her and Matt were kind of a little group not like a very social group or anything, but you know, we would talk When we had like some time to kill or whatever and The semester went by and Matt was nice enough for I think it was Wasn't my project, but I was supposed to direct Like you had to Someone was a floor manager Someone would direct and give instructions and all this someone worked the switcher board and all this and I didn't want to be the director I just did not want to do it because I fucking hated being a leader Which later on I found out that it's in me to do so But at the time I just I didn't want to do it and he offered to do it for me, which was very nice And one of the memories I have which I'll never forget the teleprompter We were sending messages Down to the studio because you had people who are on the camera and you had people at the camera and next to the camera is the teleprompter and We're he was writing stuff like hey faggots. What's up for? I'm a nigger ass whore or whatever He's like writing this shit through the teleprompter and he wrote anal beads and the fucking like head department Instructor walked in behind us as he was writing all this shit and he's kind of wiped it clean quick and after the guy left He's like he totally saw It was the funniest thing ever in college for me nothing even came close to how funny that was and You know they're having a ball down on the stage with it, but oh man Matt was awesome and it sucks because At the end of that semester when we went home for a holiday break for winter break It was only a couple weeks after like a week and a half after we got off That he died in a car crash Not even two miles two and a half miles from where I work on Tunkana Kiway It was like one in the morning or something on December 20th or 21st and And his car went off the road and Flipped and he got thrown from the car and he died at the scene and Every time I go home that highway If I decide to go that way for whatever reason it's longer, but sometimes I have to like if it snows or something because I can't go back roads but To this day every time I go by that I still see the cross there I still see flowers people put there. I still see little mementos people leave there the candles and That was in 2012 and it's still there people still put stuff there After four years, they're still leaving stuff for Matt there and the other thing is like I know he's not there Yeah, he died there, but that's not where he is But the fact of the matter is every time I have to go home that highway I see that and I can't not think of that and That was the one death that just flat out broke me Tom's when Tom Lynch's death scarred me this one unplugged the plug out of the outlet Matt Murray's death just broke me. That's the lightest way I could put it. It totally fucked me up and The hardest part of it all was it happened on December 20th 21st, whatever the morning of the 21st or something and You know people at my work because the store is in Tonkannock there. It's two miles away from where he crashed That's where he lives. I live in Dallas. I should say lived in Dallas It's about 25 miles away from Tonkannock and people at the store were talking about the death of the kid who went to Tonkannock High School and all this and I Didn't even know that it was him and I didn't know until Two days after I went back to fucking college for the spring semester the third day in The instructor I had for the studio class happened to be the instructor I had for this Writing class I was in I think it was like an advertising class or something or I don't remember But either way at the end of the or the very start of the class She pulled me out into the hallway and it was something like this. She's like So how you doing? You heard about Matt, right? and I'm like, you know what happened and Just like thinking like oh like nothing like really serious happened or something like I don't know I don't know what I was thinking. I didn't think anything bad happened or The very minimal like he broke a bone or something and she says well at the end of holiday break He was in a car accident and he passed away And then I just fucking broke. That's the only way I could think to describe it It was just It was just it was like as if hearing like your best friend died or your fucking sibling died or your parent died or something like that It was like one of those feelings where nothing just I didn't feel anything and I just shut down like Like you just got like it felt like I got dark around me in a way and Like I just heard like silence like I could hear a flies wings flapping Like a pin drop or something and I was just I was just speechless stunned just like wow I didn't know She's like yeah, you know was in the news and all this and She talked me for like two minutes or something in the hallway, but That class felt like it lasted like three hours after that She had to tell me at the very start of class which made me fucking think about it the entire fucking class and the entire fucking day and the entire fucking week and then the entire fucking month and I just never recovered from that to this day that has been what's made me how I am now Like in terms of like thinking of ghoulish and morbid and macabre stuff Matt's death was what started that and That's what led to EGS. So him and Tom equally contributed to that and I Just I could not believe it and I wasn't like I said like with Tom. I wasn't best friends with Matt It just it shocked me though like and I knew him It's also just because like oh I knew that guy I talked with him a lot You know and but it just felt so much more than that Like at the same time I felt like I'd known Matt for a long time, but I'd only known him for a few months But I had that connection And just knowing that he got killed and taken I just I'd wished it was me and To this day. I'm still that way Only I've learned to adapt and learn how everything works and why you're here and where you're meant to go But Matt's death was the final nail in the coffin For my direction in life pretty much It was really bad Mentally on me and then I eventually told my parents about it. My mom knows his dad and I just I couldn't believe it Yeah Matt was on my mind for a good while But the fact that it happened a month prior like I didn't know throughout that entire time that Matt was dead Like I knew he had a facebook and everything, but I never added him on it and I was just I was stunned. I was speechless just completely speechless and I've never been the same since I haven't so College was College was a rough time. It usually is for everybody. It's not easy, but um after that I just I couldn't Picture me doing anything. I'm like, I'm gonna end up being a camera I'm gonna end up being a cameraman at a new studio or something lame like that You know, I wanted to do movies and everything and all the classes I was doing was like tv production or you know interviewing people new shit and It just wasn't what I envisioned and in the The second semester which was after matt died, which is when I met This one instructor. I'm not gonna say his name because I don't want this guy to get Infamy or anything if anything does eventually happen with this egs shit um This instructor I had my brother knows who he is. He had him as well, but he uh He was one of those authority figures that I just flat out despised This was when the authority side of me like The attention to authority just tanked. I could not stand being told what to do I hated authority. I hated people telling me what to do And this guy was pretty much trying to steer me in the right direction for my life and I didn't want him to and After a while, he started to learn how I work and you know saw what I could do and you know, I made Videos for this and then I'm like, yeah, I make youtube videos and You know, I make some pretty top notch quality stuff and you know It's time when I was like, you know, you're ready to go to the next level. You know what you're doing you have the skills to do this and I quite frankly didn't want to do anything with it and I can't just say to the guy Look, I'm only here to get a degree and that's it. I couldn't do that but The guy was a nuisance to say the least to put it lightly. I fucking hated his guts. I wanted to fucking crucify him But You know, I got through his class and I thought that would have been the last time I would have had him Turns out I was wrong because the following semester. I had him for three fucking classes I had him for radio production. I had him for video production and I had him for I think my special projects workshop or something I had him for three fucking things pretty much And the special projects was the spring of my final year, but this was fall And I couldn't avoid the guy I had him all the fucking time every day And then I just I stopped showing up for three weeks pretty much two and a half three weeks I stopped showing up to his classes. I would leave the house and act like I was going to class and I would sit in the car That's all I would do. I would just sit in the car I Waited for enough time to pass and then leave So I made up some bullshit excuse like he sent me an email, but I never read it Um, because I ended up seeing him before I knew he sent me said email He's like, oh, you probably don't want to read that email. Then I'll just talk to you here But yeah, I lied and made up some bullshit excuse that oh, I had transmission problems with my car And at the time I actually did have car problems So it was a little easier to lie because you know, I this was one of my many car problems in my life um, one of my tires blew I blew a tire going to work the one day and um Yeah, my car was in the shot for a bit But I just lied and said my transmission was messed up, but you know, he bought it I say that loosely Yeah, he whatever He uh, probably couldn't care less at that point like well at least you're here But yeah, so I skipped like two and a half weeks of his classes And he virtually did one of the projects for me He wrote the script for it all and then it was for my radio class and I just I I would creative lies. I could not care less about college I couldn't care less. I was just done mentally. I was done With everything that happened with Matt everyone trying to tell me what to fucking do my dad getting on my case about Where I should go with my life and all this fucking shit. It's just that point in my life. I'm like just fuck off and I still had another half a year left of college But at the time you need to start thinking about where you're gonna go And this is where the pressure started to just boil so fucking high up that it it spilled over and I somehow grin and bared it through the rest of my fucking college career, but This fucking instructor just would not take like failure as an option pretty much He wanted to see me succeed and granted. That's his fucking job You're an instructor. You want people to pass and get a decent job. I get that But what he didn't know was that I was just there to get a degree Just to get out of fucking school with a degree and not even fucking use it I can't say that to the guy because they'd be like, well, what the fuck are you gonna do with your life? And why are you here? You know, and then that would lead to other shit and you know, it's just like you're wasting money And I just I didn't say it Somehow I kept it in But I got through it. I got through the classes. I passed. I moved on to my final semester of my college career This is where things took a big turn which I didn't expect I said I couldn't picture anything that I could do with my life And at that point I'm still lost in thinking what the fuck am I gonna do for a job when I get out of here Because the store really wasn't offering full time. There wasn't any way I can really get it and I'm just like great. What am I gonna do? And That spring semester my final semester of college you had to do either an internship or a project With enough value to show off your skills and you know present it And I did not want to do an internship because I knew very well that I wasn't going to go into that field so There were three options I had one was oh, I can do this I can do a project on my own completely on my own which would make sense So either do a project completely on my own and present that Which along the lines of he said like organizing an event to benefit the community Which is like something lame I did like in high school Which is like a a bowling fundraiser for some shit. So I didn't I didn't want to do that again. I'm like I did that already. I'm over that And quite honestly, I wish I never did that to begin with because that fundraiser was fucking lame um So there was either that option I could sit with them and discuss to do something else over a bag of chips in a can of coke or something And the third option was One of the uh, the instructors there was doing an interview show that was going to air on the campus tv station called interview and I knew A couple the guys that were going to be doing it, which was mike and chris chris olshevsky and mike danil. It's um, yeah, I could see other names. It's in the fucking end credits for fuck's sake but I'm like, all right, I'll ponder it And then I messaged mike through facebook like a day later and said uh, if you got room for one more, I'll I'll gladly help out and he said sure and um Little did I know that would be one of the best decisions of my life because What we ended up doing was we ended up interviewing bands And then filming them playing their own original music live on the stage where I had the the studio production class and You know the first band was addicted to the shindig and they were Man, they weren't like anything special It just seemed like their songs never ended. It was pretty fucking boring to say the least But you know, it gave me some experience with it, but I wasn't great at it plus I never watched music videos ever went to concerts. So it was like totally new to me but The second band that set foot on that stage Um a couple weeks later was center quest and They changed my entire life And as much as I despise Send requests nowadays andrew blank darryl kolminsky erinwood john labensky. I fucking hate their guts pretty much Um, it's a love hate thing some days. I like them other days. I fucking can't stand them. I want to fucking kill them but When I saw them set foot on that stage and start playing their pop punk music it just It grabbed me And the first song they played was never never they ended up playing it three to four times Um, because they fucked up so many times one, you know, they were out of tune the other uh I almost can't even remember One the tempo was all over the place the other they were out of tune One had a false start and the other was the final take But they played never never Anymore which was the old version of it, which was total shit by the way um Honestly can't believe they had that on their set list. It was a pretty shitty song at the time So it was never never anymore My last confession I quit And comeback song So it was basically the beyond the ordinary e p with My last confession on it and anymore so they played the five songs and At the end of never never I was like, oh my god It's like this footage looks like it can go somewhere like I just I was looking in the viewfinder of the camera And my camera was on andrew blank all the time the close-up shots of him and everything And I was just looking down at that viewfinder Looking back up at him and I just had this big ass grin on my face like this is awesome and At the same time it's like something just felt familiar about it And it wasn't because they were inspired by green day or anything I was not into music at that time besides the Beatles pretty much The Beatles were my life maybe a couple queen songs, but it was all Beatles And green day I had not listened to since I was in fucking elementary school middle school So I didn't even think of green day when I saw them because I'm very I was very new to music So when I heard that that sound that style I just I was like this is fucking awesome And then you know they played comeback song last and lucky for me. They got to play it twice because um The first one andrew's volume was down on his guitar So I got to hear the song twice and I like that was also like saying from above Hey, you might want to listen to this song because it's going to change your fucking life so They played never never three or four times well three times they started it four times And they played I quit twice Because he messed up a lot andrew messed up And they played comeback twice So I had a very healthy dose of send requests that night on the evening of march 31 2014 And after they left, you know after they got off the stage and I started importing the footage onto the max in the editing lab And I was just looking at the footage and it just Felt right like something just even though the quality was kind of grainy and everything. I just looked at that footage I'm like this looks awesome This can go somewhere I think and I just had that thought in my head like yeah I can make something out of this maybe for youtube. I don't know But you know they made me want to show up at college for that final semester send request Made me want to get through that final few months of college And that was the last project I worked on was the special projects workshop It was editing that send request show And I got to edit never never And I got to edit comeback song and I also edited anymore So I cut three of the songs mainly because I was fucking into it big time So I was fucking pumped as fuck when we got the audio tracks from the head guy of the show who was organizing everything He mixed the soundtrack for it all So when we finally got those tracks, I was like yes because then I could finally understand what the hell they were singing about because the microphones were just terrible um So we got the soundtracks and it was amazing and I ended up putting it on my itunes and everything and um so yeah, I edited never never anymore and comeback song and presented we all passed and the last thing I ever edited was one part of my last confession Which is very Very fitting when you think about it in a way Center quest ended up being my last confession to the world showing who I truly was And that was the last thing I edited in college. It was a piece of my last confession and um That was it We presented we passed And we went on our merry way I dropped the disc off with all the stuff on it for my portfolio to the head instructor of the entire fucking communications section department whatever Um, I didn't even see the guy. I only saw him a couple times. I had him for a class before but um the final semester, um, I just dropped the disc off and that was it. I passed I graduated college You know that cd. I dropped off was the final piece of the puzzle and Little did I know that center quest and I would grow a connection like we did I ended up shooting a music video for them. I ended up shooting a music video for them a year later in march 2015 And um, it was the over and out out of my head music video which looking back on it It didn't turn out great at all for my liking. It wasn't very good but Mm-hmm. I also kind of felt like they just used me because like well, he knows what he's doing video Let's just use him and then we'll find somebody better. That's kind of how I saw it looking back now At the time I just couldn't wait to work with them again because I was just in love with their music But I'll talk about center quest another time Um, because Andrew really fucking screwed me fucking hard down the line But anyways, yeah center quest made their way onto my youtube channel with the music and everything you first heard it in the anthology Pinear's Brux's anthology started with comeback song And then I ended up using it in every video since pretty much so I never would have thought That something I did in school would change my life the way it did like that did It was unbelievable So um But yeah, I ended up going back over that summer to go back and get all that footage from that show because I was just I was dying to see the the other takes they did because I couldn't remember like what songs had to be redone I'm like, I swear on my life. I think they did come back song twice Because I wanted to hear the first take even though it would have been from the camera audio Because we didn't have the soundtracks for the finish for only the finished takes only the finished takes had the soundtracks for it So the rest was all straight from the camera mic And I went back up there and of course it's the summer and you know, there's hardly any classes in the summer and I go up there and uh, yeah, the room's locked, which I figured So I made my way all the way up there. I drove like the 30 miles or whatever. I'm like, fuck the door's locked Which I should have figured Light was out door was locked can't get in there Great. So who do I have to message to get into that room the fucking instructor who drove me fucking crazy So The fucking guy Says, yeah, I can let you in there and you can get what you need or whatever. So You know, I set a time and met him there and door was open and Also noticed that they had new iMacs at the time because we had these old old iMacs Very different from like the 2011 iMacs. They look different. I can't really explain it, but They're like square monitors and um Of course it was trial and error trying to figure out which editing bay I used to cut these songs because those hard drives had all the footage on it You know the the sd cards had long been wiped or you know formatted and wiped clean So I was hoping the goddess that the footage was still on the hard drives and after like Trying two different computers. I finally found it and I found all the footage And of course it was a shit ton of footage. It was going to take like 45 minutes to transfer at all So what does he do? He sits down with me and just starts talking about career pass And I really didn't want him to I'm like, please just fucking go away I had to deal with you for a year and a half go the fuck away and Of course he he sits there and starts talking to me and Start saying I need to go. I should go take classes at this college at miser cordia It'll help benefit your future and you should take this and this and this and you'll be great at it And this will be good and blah blah blah like I make it out to sound like you know He's just trying to help me out and everything but it really it's not how I'm making it sound out to be he's actually like legitimately trying to manipulate me and It just pissed me off because that's what I've had to deal with with him the last year and a half at that time And I'm just like nodding and shaking my head like uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like just shut the fuck up And you know it went on for like 25 minutes. He talked my ear off And all the while at the time I'm still thinking I don't fucking give a shit because I'm not going to be going into this which he didn't know at the time but I kind of I'm pretty sure I said something along the lines of you know, I'm still kind of unsure where I want to go So I'm just gonna you know Work at the store now and just make enough just make money You know, that's all I want to do right now. It's just make money. You know, they jump something like oh It's all about opportunities and if you miss the opportunity someone else will take it You know if you're older and there's a younger guy Well, they're gonna give it to the younger guy who's fresh out of college and blah blah I just it never ended and I wanted to fucking hang up by his fucking neck and fucking just fucking kill him and It just it pissed me the fuck off so My last memories of college is that that was uh the last time I was up there until I shot the music video because that was in the gym On campus. So I got to go back up there for that. So at least that overwrote that event But yeah, so I got all the footage and then like a couple days after that my dog died which sucked but Bruno was a good dog but yeah So college was just a living nightmare for me it was There's so much I could talk about besides just that shit like stupid shit like People I got stuck working with who ended up dropping classes and I ended up doing projects by myself or ended up skipping projects because of that And just college I just did not care about I just did not care because I knew I wasn't gonna end up using it anywhere and what did I do? Um a couple months after I got out Maybe like eight months afterwards when I knew For sure 100 I wasn't gonna go into that field. I completely erased all of my projects from my college career I scrapped my portfolio. I scrapped everything that you're supposed to save Because all throughout college you make a portfolio It shows off all the work you did like your best work, you know your projects you made through college You should save everything you do for college. I can't express that enough save everything you do. Do I regret deleting it all? No But yeah, that's what I did I plugged my flash drive in plug my flash drive into my mac went through everything deleted it all everything but the send request footage because that's all that mattered and Looking back. I really don't give a shit about it I don't give a shit about all the shit I deleted. I have no regrets about it Um the only other thing I have left which is actually it's on youtube now, which was this radio project I did for my radio class That's the only other thing I have from my college career. That was in 2013 So that was when all the dark shit started happening with me But it's not noticeable on those recordings for that radio class but It was what I did. I deleted it all Scrapped everything which I didn't tell my parents that I told my brother But that's because when we got older. That's when we started to open up to each other like me and my brother. We never really Saw eye to eye on things. He always felt like he was bossy to me pretty much Like I was always like the little dumb kid to him And he was like smart and you know, he got good grades. He was in advanced math and everything he got honors and you know, I was just a dumb kid and Like he had so many friends. He was very outgoing. He had girlfriends. I never had one girlfriend in my life and you know Throughout the years we would fight a lot and you know typical sibling shit sibling rivalry But when I got In and out of college, that's when things changed even to this day. It's totally different And that's when we started opening up to each other about the real world and what we think Exists out there like are there other people and other Galaxies that are alive besides us and that's when we started opening up to each other about Life and it felt cool And I just always loved thinking about that because that's what I thought about my entire life pretty much I mean, obviously not really an elementary school, but you know, I was always in that zone of thinking out of the box And then we started connecting that way and You know, whether it be like just driving in the car like if I had to take him somewhere or If we were just in the backyard by a bonfire drinking beer, you know, we just we would talk about stuff And I like that, you know, I don't like talking to people much Even though I can get the mic out and talk to you for hours on end I just I hate talking to people in person because it's fucking dumb And I hate it because I just don't give a shit about people. I don't care about people's life story I don't care about what they want to do with their life. I don't care what they've been through I don't fucking give a shit. All right, but when I was talking with my brother It was nice because we finally started connecting and suddenly it wasn't like oh, he's not so bad But like all throughout middle school. I wanted him to fucking get kicked out of the house Like I had I fucking had this reoccurring vision in my head Him getting thrown out into the snow saying you're out of the family like I pray that that would happen to him because I hated his guts I fucking hated his guts. I just wanted him out of the house. I didn't want to deal with him and over time we finally started to connect And then we started like, you know seeing how life works and We would see Like just different perspectives on things and we would try to interpret that and it was just it was nice Just that out there talk that you just you get into once in a while It's like you just like take like a tangent. It's like, you know, I don't know how we got to talking about this but I like it, you know, it was cool and You know, it eventually just started going into like Talk about that like with our parents and how they're they're pressuring us to get jobs and They just want us to be successful and all that which we got but it was like it's overbearing and just totally unneeded stress And then we just we got it. We understood each other, but little does he know like how Totally dark and different I am compared to him. He has no clue that I'm this way but You know, because I hardly ever say a word to anyone in the house. I never speak to anybody I'll talk to my mom, but I won't even fucking dare talk to my dad because I fucking hate his guts So It's just it's firstly just like me and mom me and mom. That's my relationship in the house. That's the only person I talk to so yeah it's uh It's just that's how it's been and it's not like oh my dad's the worst man alive on the planet. No It's just once the real world shit started to creep into my life. That's when I started hating him And I totally get you know, he wants you to be successful He wants you to get a job in a career so you can move out of the fucking house and start your own life and Get married maybe have a couple kids all that fucking shit, which I knew was never going to happen I never was able to visualize me moving out of this house That was like the number one fear I had like you always feel like oh and you're 18. You're out the door I dreaded the thought of turning 18 because I thought they were going to kick me out of the house and I didn't even feel ready Now I'm 24. I'm still in this house and I'm going to be in this house till the day I fucking die That's it. That's the ultimate step is My move out is the legit move out of this world so It's really um It's just it was like a snowball effect that just got bigger and bigger and bigger Over the years and now I don't even fucking say a word to him really ever Also didn't help that he was the manager at the grocery store. I worked at for a few years like the first like half of my 10 year at that store He was the head manager and I got stuck doing stupid shit that you shouldn't get stuck with but I do because I'm the fucking boss's kid Sent out for deliveries and all this shit like oh stop at the Dallas store and pick up this for our store and do this Oh work tomorrow at this time. Oh, you're gonna have to start at nine o'clock tomorrow and be there early Blah blah blah blah blah all this fucking shit. Oh, do you want to work today? No? Well fine. I'll give it to someone who cares. I just it was so fucking shitty And it's just stupid bullshit and retail. I can make a whole other recording talking about retail, which I probably fucking won't But the long injustice of it is if you work in retail Don't get the fuck out of retail while you can and it'll save you a life's worth of bullshit Retail is full of assholes who have no lives If you work in retail, you're a fucking worthless faggot You are a fucking worthless faggot if you work in retail Oh my god, it's do I fucking hate retail dude Managers in retail have no fucking lives They only try to fucking pin their bullshit on other people so they can have the blame They're lazy as fuck They have too many fucking rules You have guys that go by the book some that don't give a shit at all people that dump shit onto other people to get away with it Shitty employees people you can't rely on Fucking corporate managers being overly fucking sensitive with everything you do Every fucking thing has to be perfect It is so ungodly retarded And this is a fucking supermarket in the middle of the armpit of fucking pennsylvania where nobody knows exists And it's like it's a fucking supermarket that has 19 aisles It's not fucking walmart Every fucking thing is so much of the thing like on a display is fucking crooked or a can is bent or You know It's just the subtlest fucking thing is so fucking retarded And i've been there for almost seven years It's like I honestly I don't even know I wanted to quit there after my first year And it's just retail is so fucking just worthless to have as a job Talk for fucking hours about it all the experiences i've had all the shitty bosses i've had All the fucking shitty coworkers i've had the shitty hours i've had to work Retail it is the most work you'll ever do for little value Even if you're fucking part-time you fucking feel like you're a full-time worker there And it just it made me want to die even faster It's just everyone is miserable Nobody cares Everyone's looking to blame somebody Everything's got to be perfect It's just all bullshit and it shouldn't have to be that way And it's part of what's made me who I am now And it's part of what's made me who I am now and it's not how life should be If you work in retail and you hate it get the fuck out That's all I can say if you work at walmart kmart target Fucking american eagle or aro post all holster abber kromby A supermarket, you know, it doesn't matter if it's like where if it's retail get the fuck out Just get out Because it will more than likely than not Make you partially psychotic And i'm not saying that to be funny Because i've had so many thoughts of just shooting that place up that i've Long lost count it's into the fucking thousands And i've even had dreams I had a dream once where it was like three years ago Where I parked in the the store parking lot parked in the store parking lot walked into the store Walked into the back room and it looked exactly like the store the back room looked exactly like the store's back room and everything And behind the fucking duned rack, which is just a graded rack where you set stock on that's overflow stock That can't fit into the back stock bays or anything and behind the duned rack was a shotgun and I either picked it up or I left it there. I can't remember but I think I picked it up I took the shotgun out and I just walked back into the store and back into the park and went into my car but Nowadays if I had that dream I'd be shooting people And i'm this close to getting a shotgun. I'm this close. I'm so close. I could fucking smell the gunpowder And I can't wait It's gonna be awesome I just need to watch my attitude Dude You know watch how I act around everyone in this house for the next couple weeks a few months Because if there is the slightest hint that I'm really severely depressed and thinking about it in my life Then you're not gonna get a gun so But yeah, it's that's the long adjusted it retail It ruined everything for me It sucked all my motivation out to do youtube videos. It's why I don't even do much of anything now If I'm lucky I can make an edit like an art edit of egs and that's what goes out that day. It's like I I haven't worked on anything egs related since Fucking January except the massacre video. That's all I've been working on. That's all I care to work on anymore And that's gonna be the last thing I ever work on That's how it is and The more time that passes the more I just accept that fact that this is gonna be the last video I make and that's It's just gonna be what it is. It's not gonna be perfect. I have accepted that There's just there's too much to do to make it top notch. It's just it's gonna be what it is And in september no matter where I'm at. It's just got to be done and go out And I got enough time You know the intro the opening portions like it's gonna be like three minutes long Doesn't have to be top notch or anything. I could just a bridge it if I really fucking have to but It's just gonna be what it is Okay I guess I should start wrapping this up It's been like an hour and a half. So the last thing I'll talk about a little bit here is Columbine Because that's obviously the main drive behind the massacre video Pretty much around june I want to say june of 2016 is when Columbine really started taking over my life and I I didn't really think much of it at first like I didn't think that this would like influence me to do shit And it's just it just kind of seemed like a documentary thing It's like oh, this was an event that happened in history and oh that was cool, you know But then it just grew on me like I can't even explain it Columbine just snatched me it grabbed me I was absorbed into it sucked into it and I couldn't get back out nor did I want to get out and I just just Was just stunned That two high school kids were able to do this I just instantly connected with Eric Harris and Dylan Cleveland I have three natural selection shirts. Okay. I fucking love Eric Harris No homo, but I fucking love the guy huge inspiration And he's what made me want to get a shotgun so I just I was just completely blown away by what they were able to pull off and just pissed that they couldn't have killed more people Should have been so much more should have been hundreds more Or at least a hundred more But I just couldn't believe it and I saw the suicide photos and It's just I couldn't believe it. It was just amazing. It was just another type of lore if you will just Not quite a fantasy, but It was just amazing. I just got lost in it all And I loved it loved every ounce of it And then I saw the journals and I was like, oh man, this is so cool and then that inspired me to write my own journal and You know people say like oh Eric Harris's journals. I obviously over dramatized and everything but Even if so so fucking what It inspired me to start my own and I don't over dramatize anything in my journal I tell it how it is. I say what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling And I got to thank Eric for that. But actually back in elementary school early middle school. I did used to keep a journal so It was pretty like it was just naturally done for me It was just something I was used to so writing came easy I've always been a good writer and I read their journals and Dylan's was a little more a little more of a trip because it was just it was much deeper But I just I couldn't read everything in it it was Even though I love depression and feels and all that it's just I don't know. I didn't connect with it as well as I did with Eric's Eric's journal was pretty much like 75% of it was like half of like what I was half of Like Eric's journal was 75% of how I viewed society like how I view it now and how much I hate people and want to kill mankind and How I feel about other people and it just it just connected with me boom right there and I just I wish he could have wrote more, you know I I fucking wish the basement tapes would have been released I know for a fact there has to be a digital copy out there There has to be a digital copy of the basement tapes. There's no way there's not the FBI has it in their archives or somewhere There has to be a digital copy of those basement tapes And I'll never get to see it in my lifetime and it's a shame But maybe in the afterlife I will but It's just I wish I could have seen those tapes Seeing their goodbye video, you know, hey mom gotta go It's about an hour before our little judgment day or whatever he says, you know Oh, I want you to have that fly CD and you know Don't blame our parents for this. They had no clue and you know, it's just I wish I could have seen it all unfold You know, obviously the basement tapes parts of it could have been over dramatized, you know Let me shoot you right in the mother fucking head Go go Romans. Oh, thank god. They crucify that asshole. Like some of the stuff like yeah, it seems like over the top shit But they're having a good time you would too But I just I wish I could have seen that shit And it sucks that the fucking government thinks that hiding these tapes away is going to help prevent more shootings If anything had helped inspired more already And it's just they're only hurting themselves by Fucking covering the like the fact of all this up Jefferson County 911 Jefferson County Jeff co whatever you want to call him Jeff co just fuck off You fucking had evidence you disposed of it. You destroyed it kiss my fucking ass It's like all this fucking evidence they had that we'll never see the light of day Like I also wish like the shirts you never fucking got to see erics natural selection shirt ever The only hint you've ever got of it besides the cafeteria footage is that fucking warped distorted grainy gas station video back in 1999 on that day When he was buying propane tanks and you could barely make out the fucking letters on it I just wish I could have seen that shirt And it just it pains me not knowing what it actually really looked like. Yeah, it's just black font on a white t-shirt Andrew it's nothing special, but these were shirts that killed 13 people, you know 14 or whatever You got to see dillens in the suicide photo. Eric, of course is hunched over to the left and you don't get to fucking see it Which is really a letdown and it also makes me wonder There had to be more photos In the library obviously of the victims that we'll never see but there had to be more photos of the suicide You know, you you barely get to see erics face, which was like completely Detached from his face from his head or whatever Eric just was a wreck And you can just barely Make out that wound on his face You know his face is pretty much hanging off of his head pretty much It's hard to explain but you know the shotgun blast is completely detached his face And it's just it's so cool and I just can picture them looking down at their bodies being like whoa Look at this like I hope they fucking post these like to the world or all this, you know I hope people see my dead body See what we did. It was it was just it's so cool to think like that and you know I've seen a youtube video where these people Channel eric and dylan and I I honestly don't know what to make of it. I kind of think it's bullshit but That kind of led me down the path of thinking about the contract thing and you know, you have a soul contract and all that and that made sense But yeah, some of that stuff. I just I can't buy it. I can't buy mediums and Psychics and all that only like to an extent it's just It's just it's not there for me people claiming to Open up doorways to talk to these spirits. You see a bunch of fuckers like mike huff talking to spirits and Through a fucking box and it's I don't fucking buy it Whatever his name was mike huff mike fucking huff. I don't know go huff some fucking glue or something Steve huff I don't fucking care But yeah, it's just Columbine was one of the last missing pieces of the puzzle in my life and mcKenzie was The legit final piece of the puzzle Um, yeah, I was I was into Columbine over the summer But mcKenzie really made her presence known to me through the end of the year into now And I always feel her by my side. I always feel like mcKenzie is there and She's she's my girl and I love her very much They just put up a poster over it today Me with the new look Me with the black it's it's not technically black But I just made it a lighter shade of dark purple so you can distinguish me and mcKenzie Because that's actually how I look how I envision myself on the other side And um, I love the new look. It looks so nice It's kind of like an overcoat You know and have a shirt on under it and Purple hair outline. It's not the ember color anymore The main reason I made it that color was The main reason I made it the you know, the robin's egg blue teal color hair in the beginning was It was a couple reasons the main reason was because ember changed my life, you know, this was How I saw myself. I was a follower of ember and she inspired me to do egs and You know, I had to pay an homage to that And the other reason was it it reeled in viewers, you know It reeled in humans to watch this stuff when you see ember's hair You instantly realize and you look and it's like oh, that's ember mcclain and then you realize it's not It's like why the hell is there a guy's voice coming out of a female guitar player? That's really weird That's because you don't fucking get it but You know, I talked about that in the other recording. It's like obviously i'm trying to tell you something But yeah after a while i'm like, yeah, I I can't picture myself with blue hair and my entire life I've always wanted to have darker hair darker darker darker. I want black hair or I want dark brown hair And it's like it's dirty blonde hair. It's the bare minimum of what you can pretty much call blonde hair But I just I've hated my hair color my whole life and it got a little darker over time but You know a lot of the pictures you see on me on the internet the contrast is enhanced a lot and it makes my hair look darker than it really is And I do that on purpose because I hate looking at like my lighter Hair like it's not really light. It's not at all It's dirty blonde. It's kind of like I don't know how to really explain it um But it's not it's not quite brown. It's not quite blonde. It's virtually in the middle to 75 brown but I just I've always hated that hair color and I like When harry potter started coming out with movies. I just loved daniel wrackliffe's hair and like it was it was black pretty much And I was harry potter for halloween in like fourth or fifth grade and I dyed my hair black for it Just spray paint die So it would just wash out and my hair color would come back, but it was black And it didn't seem like it it worked, you know and also I was really young and I didn't have a lot of hair but Um, I just I always wanted darker hair and over the last year and a half I've wanted to dye it I I first wanted to dye it blue, but I'm glad I didn't because it just it wouldn't look right on me In this body, but now I wish I could dye it black and dark purple You know like my character has I say character loosely because it's it's actually who I am but It's just I'm stuck with this hair until I die I've accepted that so um Yeah, I put the poster up today and signed the back of it and I don't know if those posters will ever get sold. I imagine my mom will just throw them out because that's All you do it's like, oh, well, we don't need these anymore And they'll just go through all my possessions and throw shit out or sell it But I'm gonna have to leave a note saying, you know Sell my egs stuff to people who would want it, you know, oh, these were the posters I had Or sell my mouse pad, you know, this is what I Animated with, you know, this is what I made all these videos with the mouse over this mouse pad You know, I just like stuff like that memorabilia people would like that Even though egs never really blew up like I envisioned it might after I'm dead for all I know but You know, I have three posters right now. I have the legend of ember free poster which That was back When I could not get the nose down for all my fucking characters the nose is always out of place Like the mouth is always higher than the nose pretty much or the nose is never just in the proper spot It's either too high or too low or too off-center And I have that one. I had the one with me and m that I just put up and You know m short for mckinsey. I I call her am a lot. It's just that's short for mckinsey not short for emily It's just it's m the letter m And so I have the legend of ember free poster the one with me and m and then The first poster I made which has mckinsey me with the blue hair sydney rachel madison and celeste on it so Um pretty much every major character Is on at least one of these posters Um alex isn't on any of them. I just I don't I don't think about alex much it's just I wanted to do another video with her, you know showing alex's accident But I just would have taken too long. It would have been too much work and it would not have turned out like I envisioned it in my head I had the recruiter ghost floating up to him and you know talking and like going to the like in Like insane detail like how they thought he felt like his pain levels and everything and then he eventually would die with them laughing over his corpse And a recruiter's voice is like a triple tracked voice It's kind of hard to explain but a recruiter Talks with like three voices mixed into one And it's very eerie and very unsettling to hear but it's fascinating and I love it But yeah alex isn't on any of the posters um Matilda Ramsey is in the ember free poster in the background so she counts um Shelly burley obviously isn't on anything because she was the newest addition I just I just came up with her on the spot pretty much. I was just watching a bunch of scarred episodes Welcome back to scarred Ha, you know MTV scarred and I'm like wow skateboarder death would be cool So I made Shelly But I'll never get around to actually animating her Kind of for the best because she'd kind of probably be tough to animate But yeah, it's like all the major characters are on there And um I'll probably make one or two more posters That'll be that but Um I want to give away I want to give away the massacre poster Whatever it ends up being you know the thumbnail for the video. Maybe I'll make into a poster If the printing company will print it I use poster burner Because apparently they have no problem at all with printing copyrighted stuff because I printed an ember mcclain poster that has the remember lyrics on it And you know, I I made it, you know, like I removed the background from the episode and cropped her out and made like my own Background for and all that but I tried vista print and I tried another website But they knew that it was copyrighted And that ended up happening with my mouse pad too I tried making another mouse pad and I got denied because it was Ember mcclain from a nicolodian show that you know, that's what they said which I'm surprised I knew who she was but Yeah, so some websites are smart poster burner, it's like they don't give a fuck or They just have no clue that this is copyright because I made an ember mcclain poster with them And I made a dazzling's poster from Rainbow rocks my little pony equestria girls. I printed that out And it's right above my mac And I couldn't believe that I got away with both of those I printed them both at the same time there And then they shipped them to me the only downside was I didn't frame them The egs posters are framed those two are not But Yeah, I could not believe I got away with that and I thought I was gonna get sued or something and Or like, you know, brought the court and find like 500 000 dollars or something for printing out copyrighted material, but Didn't happen so but yeah it's just I got a lot to do these next five months and honestly, I I don't think I'm gonna get to do all of them I want to gather around a bunch of stuff and Release it to the world the night I'm gonna die and I forgot how am I gonna even do it Because I need to upload it to a website somehow so you can download it like in a zip file You know, I want to upload like egs stuff. I've made so you can download it or You know the journals all my journals That I've made I want to Import them like I'm gonna I scanned everything up to like last week So everything up to last week is scanned into my mac already. So I'm gonna upload that I'll upload all these recordings that you're obviously listening to now um There's just a lot of stuff I want to record still to talk about like my other channel like for pioneers productions I want to talk about stuff I did on there again and you know Just other parts of my life and how I became who I am now, you know, I've talked about the darker stuff But there's still more to talk about You know, I could sit here for 12 hours and still keep talking But I'm just looking at me and em in that picture. It's so awesome. I just like tear up thinking like that's that's where I'm meant to be And I gotta wait, you know, I gotta wait five more months So hard. It's really hard So hard to wait And this is every day I grow more and more confident That's where I'm meant to be. That's that's my destiny. That's my mission And that she's waiting for me, you know Yeah, she communicates with me through my thoughts, but I just I can't physically see her And I know she'll wait for me. I know she will Em's the best Ember was my first big crush, but Mackenzie is my soulmate But There's just there's so much I want to do But the fact of the matter is I gotta get that shotgun first. That's the last milestone Everything after is borrowed time the way I see it but Actually in the background of that poster with me and em there's uh There's the Eric Harrison dylan clebold Drawings I made for the massacre video from the suicide photos. It's in the background of that poster and I I just I can't help but laugh Because it just it's so cool And you know, it's faded and everything you can't really make it out, but you can totally see dylan's arm But that's in the background ever. There's two guitars Um, actually, I think there's four guitars that intersect behind me and Mackenzie and then Eric Harris is on the top left and dylan clebold's on the bottom right Exactly how they are in the suicide photo and I traced over it and Made an egs version of it But yeah, it's actually Eric Harrison dylan clebold's body's behind me and Mackenzie and Um, it's just funny. It's one of those things you'll you'll never see until you know it's there But if you don't know it's there, you won't see it and I just I can't help but laugh at it because this is so awesome So, yeah, I love you Eric and Dylan you fucking helped inspire me Thank you Thanks a lot I love you So I don't know like I said, I don't know how I'm gonna release all this stuff It's it's always been a thought because like for years now I've been playing to die and it's like well I kind of want to gather a lot of stuff and then upload it for people to have Because the fact of the matter is once I'm dead my parents don't know my computer. They don't know all the shit I have on there They don't know what's in all my folders. They barely know jack shit about my youtube videos, you know My mom claims to have never even seen my cartoons, which I fucking find impossible She'll ask me about them once in a while and she asked me about them this morning But I just said I haven't done them in a little while because I really haven't I just have not felt like working on egs, but after today I'm gonna try to plow through stuff But yeah, the fact of the matter the fact of the matter is I got all this stuff I want to upload and I don't know how I'm gonna do it Because like recordings like this they're gonna be so fucking huge and I'm gonna have to overnight a lot of stuff, but It's also like I gotta do it so no one like suspects anything You know I gotta write I want to write like emails to some people before I die I've wanted to kill people like before I took my life, but I just it's not worth it The fact of the matter of that is like I just keep having thoughts of the gun breaking or you know The gun jamming or falling apart or something and it's just I'd rather take the sure thing and I've said this in my journal a lot I'd rather have the sure thing put it in your mouth pull that trigger. You're done That's it There's no Drawbacks to that you will die you will die virtually instantaneously. You are dead. You will not feel a damn thing So That's the best route. Yes, I've wanted to take my I wanted to take the gun to work and you know kill my boss and kill My co-workers and then take my life and I'll won but It's just it's too much to risk And any one of them could just take me out, you know Not that that would happen, you know you come in there with a shotgun and you're running for the hills but I just I don't want to take that risk It's what it is Yeah, I might conspire something over the next couple months, but this is it's probably just gonna resort to me sitting on my floor maybe next to a poster and then Listening to remember And then pulling the trigger like I just keep envisioning it like Right after you know the first verse ends, you know like you should not doubt me You will remember my name and pull the trigger right there And that's just what I've envisioned for the longest time Can't even tell you how many different ways I envisioned of me dying in my life Years ago. I wanted to die in a car accident, but I'm glad that never happened. That's a really Risky way to go. It doesn't matter how fast you drive. You can still survive so It just resorted to guns and then one idea kept leading to another it's like my mom finally got a handgun It's a Pink lady gun, but it's a purple one and then when I saw it Like this thing looks so fucking weak Like yeah, I could take somebody out, but I just I wouldn't count on it to end my life and I'm like I need a fucking shotgun, you know so Um I showed a video clip to her, you know my mom's you're like, this is what I want to get This is a saw-in-off shotgun because she's like she was talking about shotguns Like I want the ones that are probably like illegal, you know We're like the barrels like short and everything. I'm like, you mean a saw-in-off shotgun. She's like, yeah, I guess And then I started showing her a video clip of it and I'm like, yeah, this is what I want to get And I'm like, yeah, you could saw it off and it's not illegal You know, it has to be 18 and a half inches, but you know, this is what I want to get and she's like, okay So now it's just a fact of the matter of like waiting It's a matter of time waiting for this weather to clear up because it's still fucking snowy here Which sucks So I can see some time within the next three weeks me going and getting a gun so I'm gonna In honor of Eric Harris. I'm gonna get a pump action 12 gauge shotgun and that's gonna be That's gonna be my ticket out of here. So um He called his arlene. I'll call mine Mackenzie because she changed my life And um Yeah It's gonna be interesting and it's I'm gonna be picky too because I don't always picky and choose you like with everything I like pick out Shotgun's gotta be like this has gotta be perfect, you know But whatever they have I'll take It's a shotgun, you know, it'll do the job so Yeah um There's so much more I want to talk about but it's 10 after 3 in the afternoon and I should be going to bed so I'm off tonight at least but There's just there's so much I want to talk about and I've I've spilled my heart and soul into that journal but You can only write so much before you realize that you're taking up a shit ton of pages and I only have like 40 pages left of the thing and I'd hate to have to start another one But I'm gonna have to make two journals because between now and september You're not gonna be able to cram all that in there So This recording is two hours long. I mean, I highly doubt many people sat through this and one sitting But I don't know You know, or maybe I do know on the afterlife I imagine the afterlife you can see things and you can watch people and you can see what they're doing and how they feel and what they're thinking and I I think that's what can happen And I hope to goddess I spawn followers I pray to goddess people follow this cult that I started and Join the ghost squad and join me in the afterlife and we can come back and You know kill mankind Or if killing mankind's not your thing then hey, you could be a part of the ghost squad. It's just as good But Okay I'm gonna try to make these recordings more often the only problem is I need to do it when I have the house to myself and That's it doesn't happen a lot nowadays, um Honestly, I thought I would have had like 20 minutes to do this one but um There's always so much on my mind and obviously since I can't record all the time I Started the journal the journal is just it's an easy private way to get my thoughts down and have it not be heard until the end um Nobody knows about this journal except me and some people on social media. That's all I didn't tell my brother about it. I don't tell him anything. I don't tell my family anything I never tell them anything And in the end it's like he's what could we have done, you know Oh, I don't know how I didn't see it or you know, it's fucking fate It's meant to happen. This is how it's meant to be whether you like it or not and that's that's it Welcome to reality. But yeah, that's I hate this shit. I like oh, how could we have not have known I what could we have done? You know How did I not see it? I can ask you the same question I never fucking say anything. I'm always locked away in my room You know, I never go anywhere besides work. I don't talk to anybody And I always look miserable. I look like a fucking pale ghost. I just How could you not see that I'm depressed? You know, I never say goodbye when I leave for work You know, I never say hi when I get home I never acknowledge anybody And that's the one good thing about night shift is it gets me away from everybody in the house, you know I get up everyone goes to bed and I go to work I come home Everyone's going to work So there's that little window of opportunity to see me and that that's all You know, my dad's pretty much always gone by time I get home anyway, which is good Fucking worthless fucker But Yeah, just nobody knows Then I'm like this but Um, at least I'm doing something like if I didn't have these cartoons or the youtube channel. It's like, yeah, I would There'd probably be a cause for concern because I don't do anything but You know, my mom will bring up the cartoons once in a while. It's like is are you doing anything with it? I just I can't tell you Because of this shit and that's what I'm I just keep it to a a dull roar With what I talk about with that. I keep it to a minimum Because I don't want to say oh, hey, well look, this is what I do. Oh look This is me talking through a chick's body. Well, that's gonna You know, like are you gay or and she asked me that once and I said no because I'm not gay And I went over this before Not attracted to guys I'm not gay so I mean it would just lead to a never-ending, you know Spiral of questions and then it'd be like, okay. Well, you're talking about killing a bunch of people and then This and that, you know, it just it would be bad For the future for me and I can't let them see that side of me Not until I'm dead And that's how it's gotta be. I gotta fake my way through this somehow and act like I'm okay and Happy and or at least just okay, you know, I just I just I got a lot on my mind now, but I'm okay, you know Not gonna kill myself or something, but you know, I don't go to that route but That's why I got a little nervous with the gun thing, but I kept bringing it up Because I had to I'm like we need to get a gun I'm always alone by myself all damn day if someone breaks into the house, you know, I'm fucked That was my excuse, you know, so she got the handgun but for herself because she wanted to get a gun for gears for protection and all that but she never really put too much thought into it, but then she really started considering it this year and then That's when I like really wanted to start to get into guns, especially after columbine After I got into that stuff and then I went out shooting with her boss not her boss her a co-worker And those are what those video clips of me shooting the handguns are from, you know, the revolver and those pistols or whatever Um that I put on instagram and twitter and actually on youtube as well And I mainly did at the scare the living shit out of some people Um Because this is what I like to do. I like to shoot fucking guns And I wanted to fucking scare people with it and um Yeah, so once I started shooting those guns, it was like man, this is awesome So that's when I started looking up more gun videos and everything and then I'm like, geez, I need to get a shotgun So I'm this close This close to getting a shotgun And at this point in my life, nothing matters anymore. Money doesn't matter anymore I could care less if I spent like a thousand dollars today And it just doesn't matter So Doesn't matter how much that gun costs if it costs like a thousand two hundred dollars. I'll fucking pay for it That's what credit cards are for anyways So Step one is to get that gun step two is to saw it off and Saw off the stock I want it to be just like eric's gun And um Yeah Third is have fun for a bit and fourth is do the job so It's gonna be a really strange five months That's all I can say. It's so fucking hard not to say on social media that you know, these are my last five months on earth You know, this is the last chance you'll have to talk to me. This is the last window of opportunity you have to talk to me And then once september rolls around After that first week, I'm probably gone. I keep thinking september 7th 7th is my favorite number And september with remember, you know, it was september and it just it'd be perfect May 7th 2019 would be the ultimate day. I can't wait that long. That's two more years Over two years still it's only march It's the end of march now, but yeah, I can't wait two more years. It's I'm just done So And I'm done with this