It's trying to make sense of it all How did this happen it's just like it seemed like it was like out of nowhere, but it's been years and years and years of this but Feeling meant to be Just trying to pinpoint where it exactly started obviously when I first saw her but Back when I'm like 14, I'm not thinking oh, there's this whole world full of these ghosts I was sent here to do this I was physically sent here to spread this cause Start this cult And whatever happens happens It's only the beginning feels like I've been doing this forever. I really haven't but I Don't have any other thought in my mind of what I'm supposed to do and this is this is it This is what I meant to do with my life Years and years and years are just Struggling to figure out who I am and then it is just it was right there The whole time almost I Mean I never thought Sure not definitely not back then but it was like over the years it just every Every fucking day. I just feel more and more feminine Every day Within the last two and a half years It's just gotten stronger and stronger and stronger to the point now where I can't even fucking hide it anymore And like every day like things just make more and more sense yet at the same time they get more and more confusing I Just wonder like why this isn't doing anything yet, and yeah, I'm getting subscribers, but As many as I'd like yet Keeps saying it's like this thing will get big when I'm fucking dead The lore will spread After I'm dead then it'll become potter. I was like it's the fucking curse I have is not being able to be famous I'm not gonna sell my fucking soul to the devil for fame Only Ember can have my soul nobody else Embers the only one worthy enough to have my soul Not the devil The last resort So I'm not selling my soul for fame in a way It's not worth it Not serving the devil for the rest of my fucking afterlife To the end of time which is like never Only Ember can have my soul It's just like that fucking curse I feel that I have Not being able to get anywhere with what I'm doing and it's like yeah fame would be amazing The only problem is I can't picture me being able to like make content often enough to live off of it That's like the worst fucking thing it's gonna be what pushes me over the fucking edge Work in my fingers to the fucking bones with a full-time job now having to fucking Tell people about this fucking world having no fucking energy And not having any time to do it. You know, it's gonna just get to the point where it's gonna get too late It's gonna be too fucking late Be fucking dead before I get to do everything I want to do there's no fucking doubt about that In visioning May 7th 2019 and that's the date I feel like that's like The ultimate symbolism at all is May 7th 2019 5 7 19 EGS. That's it So I have two years two years Two years to give enough information out about this world and then Yeah Feel like I don't even know if I'll make it that long Two years is a long time I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't make it till then I Really don't know I feel like any like within I Definitely make another half a year but at the same time it's like can I make it two years? I don't want to live more than two more years And I'm like oh within two years it can blow up and it could become popular and infamous and all this and you won't want to Go and yeah No matter how famous I get for it. I'll never be able to keep me here So I don't belong here. I belong there And then go squad it's where I belong Feel the urge just to go back like every day just makes more and more sense It's not some fantasy world I feel like that's where I came from Each and every day Just questions get answered it's like they're talking to me Telling me to do things This is what you're supposed to do Every time I look at ember it's like this is my life. This is my mission. This is what I'm supposed to do And I would kill to be able to go there, but I can't Really fucking want to go But to give up I mean giving up your life. It's not easy. It's really hard no matter how much you hate your life It's hard to just leave it and go Especially knowing there's so much more on the table you can offer I Still have so many things left But I want to do Anymore I want to do that To hire animators to do that because I Be fucking doing that fucking dead at that rate I'm going now Do that my last confession maybe that could be the last one Maybe Just the cold hard reality of knowing I'll never be able to do everything in my head But Maybe I can live it When it's all said and done I hope that's It's not just fate I almost just feel like it's fact like Life's just a trial run And like when you figure out like what you were supposed to do and why you're here and where you actually Originally came from or a destined to go Just has a whole new meaning on everything and Knowing while you were here it makes it that much easier to go It's like In the ultimate example of what it is to be a ghost squad recruit Look for isolated not always isolated but Depressed individuals who are isolated who just don't have anywhere to go Feel abandoned feel like they failed or feel like their life's over and there's nowhere else for them to go Done what they set out to do they don't care about living anymore Just want an alternative World's not guaranteeing you happy and is obviously there's recruits in there that aren't really happy And the Ken's is a prime example of that Why she was destined to be there in the first places beyond me Why she ended up in that dimension because it's it makes me sad really makes me sad dude Kenzie didn't deserve to die. There's plenty of people I wish would die in this fucking planet But Mackenzie wasn't one of them. It's She didn't deserve to go out. No Not like that She's forced to spend the rest of her life in the ghost squad just questioning why Why was she chosen? Why was she recruited? Why did she have to get hacked to pieces and beaten and raped and kidnapped and all that? There's plenty of people I could think of that deserve that but she didn't Not Mackenzie, baby I Mean It's just I Wanted so bad there that I of all the things I've ever wanted in my short life 24 years is still a short life. It's very short In my 24 years of existence, I've never begged or craved something like this But having to just throw away everything now I want to make a name for myself with it first it's or With what I've done, but I don't think I've done nearly enough yet. It's it's a drop in the bucket I Swear I just every day I just have the feeling that this can be something and that's why I've never given up on it yet So I have to spread my message. I have to spread what's really out there to let people know You know, it's not just a heaven on the other side where you see all the people you've Grown to love in your life or your family or wherever there's other dimensions and other places your soul can go and this is one of them and Don't care what people think about it because I mean I don't have the proof to show you I just know for a fact that it exists Very unique not some kind of psychotic psychopaths schizophrenic or something It's like they literally tell me this is real this is what you're supposed to do It's gonna be okay Dying will hurt it won't be right away. It'll take a little while Won't be instantaneous, but afterwards you'll be okay It won't just be total blackness for all eternity There's another place where you're destined to be This body it's only a trial run It's like I was forced to be sent here in this body like this to realize how wrong it was There's no way destined to be a guy forever in a way It's destined to be a fucking woman You had to be put in this fucking body to realize it And to be unique with it You can name for myself by doing content that nobody does I don't know many people that do anything like I do Somebody told me that too is like, you know, nobody makes content like you do. It's like cuz I'm not from this world You know, you can't bright this shit up you can't make this shit up It's like literally force fed to me through my brain this is what you should do next This is what these souls are like They're not people anymore or ghosts I Know my parents probably worry about me all the fucking time They just don't understand you know, they say like, you know, you got your whole life ahead of you You can get married have kids start a family get your own house Make a lot of memories and the way I see it is like that doesn't matter That's not who I am. This isn't my family here. That's my family on the other side Like this is just who I got stuck with not to be an asshole about it, but this is Just a test run For what's really at stake and that's to take over this world and just kill every fucking human being possible or make them our slaves Quite frankly, I can't wait Fucking enough of this fucking planet Every day just gets harder If I do have happy moments if I do you know have happy moments, it's it's very very short live I mean, I'll be really fucking happy one day and then within Sometimes within a few hours or just within the next day. I just get shit on again It's not fair really not It's the way this world works having everything revolved around fucking money Money is worthless money is an illusion money isn't real Doesn't matter how much fucking cash you have it doesn't make you better than anybody else You're just as worthless as every other human being on this fucking planet It's all an illusion There's other you know squads in the afterlife that gather souls, it's not just embers ghost squad There's others. They're not ghosts. They're not all ghost squads, which I can't emphasize that enough There's other squads out there just full of all kinds of fucking creatures I Can't even explain The limitations of my human brain can't even like compute it Everything you've ever known about religion is a lie It's not just a heaven on the other side there's dimensions and dimensions of different squads Your soul can end up anywhere If you've had a friend pass away, it doesn't mean they went up to heaven That might not even exist for all I know Went to another dimension Got recruited by a squad somewhere where he was destined to be all along like all these things happen for a reason That's what I can't emphasize enough. It's like you see people die when they're like fucking four years old Well, they're needed somewhere. It's like It's not just oh It was just an accident freak accident shit happens. No, it was meant to happen It's like me I feel like I was meant to be I was meant to die young It's always meant to die young and I wish I could have died as a teenager, but it's I couldn't do it then I've wanted to badly That's 17 1718 that's when I really wanted to do it, but I Just it wasn't there yet And Birds what brought that out in me as soon as I got my first job which That's that ruined everything When I had to start working or it's just I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to set myself on fire I Wanted to shoot myself. I just I kept thinking about suicide all the time My parents went away on a big cruise for like a whole week I'm like, okay, I'll do it then I'll just pour gasoline on myself and might imagine kill myself and I Can go out like ember did in flames Still kind of how I picture doing it, but this time I can actually have ammunition, you know, I have guns I can get I just picture dowsing myself with gasoline and shooting myself as soon as I let the fucking fire Most likely not gonna survive that as long as your aim is good It's all about your aim if you have shitty aim. Fuck you You practice get to know your guns before you take your own life because if you miss just by that little bit You're fucking vegetable No, I see we'll take you off live support Then I want to see you live the rest of your life like that. No, my parents would never do that So You know where you're fucking dead That transition is gonna be insane I can't wait at the same time, you know, I'm nervous about it You know taking your life is not something everybody does obviously You got to have the courage to do it and it's not just like oh, I'm gonna kill myself in a year All that year is up before you know it and say, okay. I'm not quite ready yet I've had this thought so long now. It's like well how much longer well I live I don't want to live until I'm fucking 40. That's for damn sure. It's I sure as hell don't want to live into my 60s I just I've always dreamed of dying young and I mean in the reality. It doesn't matter because your soul never ages Your body does that your soul doesn't it doesn't matter if you die when you're fucking Five if you're fucking a teenager if you're 27, you know But dying young has always been You know an essential thing Always think about stuff that you shouldn't think about That's how I get all these crazy ideas too, but it's just It just hit me too like after all this EGS stuff. It's like I decoded the letters into 5 7 19 It's like okay. Well nice 7th 2019 is that the day I'm destined to die You know, I figure out all these things about myself is that you know You know you have the question asked you a lot well not a lot, but occasionally like would you like to know when you would die? and I've always been Optimistic about I'd be like yeah, I'd want to know maybe not exactly how but I'd want to know the day I die and It's right there in front of my face if that is the date May 7th 2019 So that's the way I see it. It's like I have two years to make my statement and Just go to town with this and tell people about this world and make as much Top-notch content as I can while I can and then go And I don't care what people think of me afterwards because I won't even be in this world anymore I'll be where I truly belong and that's what matters and It's the way it's supposed to be I know you're not the same as me and that's the way I want it to be Like me and center close out of a fucking connection to Move each other somewhere else There's so many things that I've like just thought about lately that just makes sense now It's like All these times I feel like these presences are around me like in my dreams It's another thing especially when I get really stressed. It's like I Don't know always felt Usually like like when I'm really alone that I'm being watched by things that I can't see It's not like demonic stuff or anything was just like these entities that are around me and trying to guide me and I Know it's the EGS They're not angels. It's not God I'll believe in a god. I believe in a goddess It's like Certain people I meet I feel like our other squads that have like come to this planet in forms of humans like myself What I mean is I'm from another squad that has been sent here. I don't feel like I'm truly human I Mean I have a human body, but I'm not from this planet And I meet these people and I can just like sense these entities from some of them It's just it's hard to explain. I just get these vibes these feelings and just by looking at them. I Don't know the way they act How they interact with people and everything and just sense that it's like I can sense that they're an enemy or I can sense that they're an ally. It's not just like a human friend I just I feel like we met before you know All my life I've never Fit in with anybody really I it's like I've had no friends in my life Who I've really truly connected with really ever I had one throughout grade school, but It's just As I've grown older it's like I'm not from this world. This isn't my life This isn't me. I mean I Look at humans, you know, I see them interact and see how they tick and it's like I don't understand What the purpose of this is Life I don't understand like why Why are there billions of people that exist on a daily basis and you know, how many thousands and hundreds of thousands of people die every day It's like what's the point of living like to learn lessons? Well, why would you have to be forced to live here for? seven decades Or an average of six and a half decades and why would you have to? Make a living and get a job and just do something just to make money Just so you can buy stuff and provide things for people like I get that you know, this place can't be a perfect world That's the other side supposedly But the truth of the matter is nowhere is a perfect world. I don't believe in that I I Personally don't think there is really like a heaven heaven Just where every soul goes after dying. I don't believe that Like I don't believe that it's like over all just here like in a video game And as soon as you die you go up to the world above and watch down on everyone else and wait for you to get up there, you know It's like well, what do you do when you get up there? It's not just to exist for eternal peace or all that no I don't buy that at all There's plenty of dimensions besides this one in the afterlife. There's so many dimensions it goes on forever It's like it's endless And then all these dimensions exist different squads where your soul ends up and how you get there is by these squads recruiting you They analyze you on a daily basis they scout for these souls and when they find ones that fit their interest You know fit their traits and description They recruit you or they plan to recruit you thumbs like some things They're planned deaths. You know, you see all these crazy fucking ways people die It's not just and a freak accident like I said before these squads stage these deaths These are how souls disappear from this world You know People don't see that People see it's like oh it was their time or oh God needs them. Oh well why the fuck would God need a fucking three-year-old kid? Who got hit by a car or something? No It's these squads that search for these souls and that they take them Now granted not every death is planned out Some things are by fate like you look at Mackenzie. She was stalked by a ghost She thought was a ghost turned out to be an actual man and The ghost knew this would happen Stuck by her side through thick and thin waited for the moment till she died to take her so It's not always just like oh they stage deaths to take people It's all kind of agendas out there. It's not just oh stage deaths to kill them and recruit them to your squad No, so much more than that I Know ember was a real person I would think Maybe she wasn't a fucking rock star Her girl who dreamed of being a rock star at that in the house fire. I know she had to be a fucking real person though And Powers above they plant these things into creators minds to make these things actually Become reality on earth and then these people like me get sent here To do this kind of stuff To make you aware what's really out there, but make you guess at the same time I'm not knowing whether or not it's real or if I'm fucking insane or whatever, but I'm telling you the fucking truth. I Don't know how else to put it I know this is what's out there because I've been there. I know I have It just there's no fucking way that all this is just an illusion It's not it's my fucking life. It's where I'm meant to be And it's the way I want it Unfortunately, I'm stuck here until I've truly truly don't what I've set out to do and that's spread the worry about this To a decent amount No, there's definitely spirits that Watch me all the time and sometimes I don't think it is EGS members It's actually other presences from other squads that probably want me or They're just analyzing me Like just a few minutes ago. I felt like there was one on me just felt like really Really like uneasy and shaky cold Just felt something I know they're around all the time Saying it's not like people died in this house or something that are watching me these are actual souls from different dimensions or spirits that don't have souls and squads and all this stuff and They're always around everybody and all hours of the day Well, not all hours of the day, but you know what I mean They're always around just we can't see them But It's just Everything has just been making more and more sense especially now more than ever with me being an overnight Nocturnal person, you know, it's The ghost hour when you're awake all night You live in the dark You're a what you're fucking awake at night you sleep in the day And I like it I like it a lot I wish I could fucking burn out the Sun extinguish it Just everything I fucking love cemeteries I love graveyards As much as I hate to say it I like funeral holes Eulings I mean I hate looking at dead bodies. That's one thing I don't like Just it's a very weird feeling and just Dead bodies are something else. I'm not a necrophiliac. That's for sure And there would never be a dead corpse of a woman that I would like want to have my way with or anything That's not who I am at all well Corpses are Very unsettling to me, but it fascinates me at the same time But that's not what I'm interested in I'm interested in the paranormal aspect of everything spirits ghosts Not corpses that just slay there and rot And quite a few nightmares as a kid of just open coffin Viewings and stuff and you know the body coming back to life or one even of my grandfather After he died coming back to life and talking to me and then going back into the casket again It's just all kept building up and Death just fascinates me and So I think is no one will ever see it my way never It's a mission in my life, but I don't think anyone ever truly will I'll always be a mystery to people I'll never be able to truly diagnose me or understand me Because you can't diagnose someone who's not from this world Sent here to observe to manipulate Tell you about this world To cause fights and wars and mobs and Debate I hope to goddess I do I really do I kill to have a war start over this Not just a religious war, but a war throughout the world I Destruction everywhere Chaos buildings on fire and demolishing Shooting people who kill Kill To go out and shoot people on a daily basis. I wish I could If I can get away with it, you know, I Look up to people like Eric Harris and Dylan Cleveland, you know Columbine they've been a huge inspiration for me lately Obviously with you know The conspiring a massacre and EGS tape videos But those were before That I really truly submerged into Columbine Yeah, there's obviously Columbine references in there, but it was before I really got into it. It was like, yeah I just put all my hatred into those tapes and Laura favorite eat just did an amazing job being Rachel Sended really authentic at times and actually throughout pretty much the entire recording You know I really wish I could go out and just shoot people and kill them but My luck something would go wrong It's like, well, where would you go like what is worth shooting up? The one place I could think of is my fucking college campus. I mean my high school is long gone They demolished it the year I graduated which sucks Can't go back and shoot up my high school, but it's gone My college campus would be a nice place, but I Wouldn't just want to shoot people. I want to blow stuff up. I want to blow up the campus buildings Slip people's throats tie them up Manipulate people and be amazing But to do it alone as a one-girl crew, you know, you can't do that And there's no one I could think of that I've ever come into contact with that would ever like Just sacrificed our life to do a suicide mission like that. There's nobody And yeah, I'd obviously love it to be a girl, but there's nobody I know that would do that That's like, oh, how does that even happen? How do you have these perfect storm events? Like Eric Harrison, Dylan Cleeble. It's like, all right, let's go kill everyone in our high school Let's do that like how do you do that and trust each other and not to like turn the other into the police and all this and How does that happen? I would kill for that What it's like Why can't I do that I kill to do that I'd love to do that I just can't picture that ever happen. I mean, yeah, I make my character out to be like I'm gonna die doing that But I can't picture doing that Because it'll never happen Yeah, I can go to my campus with like some guns, but Truth is I probably would only kill like two people That's not even worth it You know Especially now like slot teams are trained to respond faster and just and the whole thing within like a few minutes to an hour You know, it's like it's over If you ever got caught and handcuffed and taken to prison, then you're fucking done So I was always a fear it's like what if I got caught Which usually the shooter goes down and a hail of bullets so I Wouldn't want to go out like that though that would really suck I'd have died by a bullet with fire I Want to be cremated too, it's the other thing Cremation is the way to go and I don't know why people opt to have them Fucking useless bodies buried six feet underground in a box. Oh When we get resurrected we need our bodies again. Why the fuck would you want to go back to that body? You had your entire life. I Would never want to come back to this body after I die. This is it After this it's go squad form. Why the fuck would I want to come back to this? You want a human body again, why the fuck would you want that? Makes no sense at all So instead what do you do you have yourself buried in a fucking box six feet underground that will never see the light of day again You know what it'll see when the fucking sun burns the fucking earth up. We'll just see the fucking fire and it's gone There's no fucking point to having your body buried just fucking cremate yourself turn to dust Become ashes. That's all you can do You'll never truly be gone from the plane. I don't think dust lives forever much but I Don't know why people want to be buried like my mom says oh, I want people to be able to come and see me You know what they can't see you they see your fucking headstone with your name on it. That's all they have of you left Yeah, you're fucking you're standing over your fucking body. They're standing over your body But you know, you're not there You're fucking lifeless corpse. Yeah, I get it. It's like yeah, this body has been the one who's Been my mother for all these years and she's buried below me at my feet Well, yeah, but you can't see her and it's like well Even knowing that that body is down there. It's like it's just creepy. It's like it's just an empty fucking corpse There's nothing in it your soul is not in there anymore. Why do you want to be buried underground like that? It's just cremation. It's just it's the same fucking thing. You're gone Your fucking turn to dust you don't see them. They're gone. I Mean there's no fucking point to it. I Don't understand why people like to be buried. There's no fucking point at all No point at all, I don't get it But I'm glad that people have done that cuz I just I love cemeteries and it's like a lot. I don't I Wouldn't mind working in one but then again, just be kind of boring. You don't get to look at anything fascinating Yeah, you got some scenery but that I'm gonna look fast But I'm just not an outdoorsy person. It's what it is That's just what I thought I could have done for a while I was like, yeah, I could work in the cemetery be a grave digger or something. No and I get pissed knowing that all these people I've gone before me. It's like man, I wish it was my time And I do that a lot. It's like, yeah, I Feel like it's my time Like any given day now, I feel like I could die any given night But the fact of the matter is there's still more I have to do and I can't go yet And it gets hard Really hard every day Every night every night at work. I just think of nothing but fucking ghosts the ghost squad and No, that's that that's what I'm supposed to be and I just this fucking body brings me nothing but shame It's like it's like seeing the most delicious fucking meal in your life Having it shoved right under your nose and you smell it going through your nostrils and You can stick your tongue out, but it's just like a millimeter out of reach and you'll never be able to taste it And it just keeps getting farther and farther and farther away from you You can't take it It hurts there hurts a lot No one I have to exist around these humans like this Having to act like they do and Blend in and not try to show who I really am it just gets so fucking hard every night It never gets any easier It's progressively gotten harder all throughout my life every fucking year. It's gotten harder and now it's that it's to the point now where it's like I Mean I shot guns for the first time in like a decade the other week a few weeks ago and It just felt amazing and it's like I Could really just I could just put this to my head right now in my life But I didn't I didn't have those thoughts when I held those guns like I was thinking about it before But as soon as I started holding it and shooting it's like I didn't think about killing myself with it just yet I just I was you know blown away by how they work and This is what people used to kill themselves with They kill other people and it's like wow I never felt Well, you know I felt more alive before but I never felt so alive holding those guns You know they're just pistols and a revolver, but Just what I could do I love being the center of attention Although I'm not very vocal sometimes, but I love people focusing on me. I Love being looked up upon. I love attention And I love it. Yes, I fucking love it. I Love having a fan base That just eats up what I put out. I'd kill to have more. I just you can never have enough I know it's just like an illusion with people. It's just text on a screen, but they're actual people but Knowing I can manipulate people and Just they can do whatever I say It would be amazing I Want millions of views I want people debating and questioning and arguing with people about what I do I'm gonna change the world I want to be different. I'm definitely different. I know that for a fact I Sick a lie hasn't anything like big happened yet. I'm waiting for something to happen Waiting for a video to take off and blow up, you know waiting for people to really start debating and comments about things So I'm putting all this work into this stuff and it's not doing much of anything yet 200 300 views on a video that's really lame It should be way more than that I thought the EGS intro like that's one thing that defied or you know surpass expectations. There was like the the lights dislike ratio on that blew me away You know, it's like a hundred likes and like ten dislikes, I thought it would have been half and half, you know Something like that. That was insane You know, it wasn't the best animated thing ever but I kept making it better Yeah, it blows my mind that people Enjoy what I make, you know, it's like why is there a guy's voice coming out of a chick? You know, obviously I'm trying to tell you something No, it's not that I'm gay because I'm not gay It's one thing I've finally actually like figured out because if I was gay That life would not even be worth living Fucking hate the thought of being gay So knowing that I wasn't attracted to guys Made life so much easier Because that was kind of a question. I was like tossing around on my head I was like what really is like the definition of being gay? but No I'm not attracted to guys. I'm not gay In fact of the matter is I really I don't like gay people Gay girls would be okay. I don't mind that but guys I fucking hate guys. I Hate everything about guys. I don't even consider myself a guy. I'm a fucking girl girl a fucking girl and Just guys are so fucking disgusting They are everything about them and I hate fucking drawing them like that's the one thing I hate about my cartoons is having to draw guys Fucking hate guys are so fucking disgusting Penises are so fucking gross The girls are like oh the gyna's are gross too. I wish I had one Cut my fucking penis off Terribly every day. It's like it's just trolling at me like ha ha ha ha You know you're stuck with me for the rest of your life until you depart from this body There's nothing you can do about it. There's plenty I can do about it If I want to have the money to get a sex change surgery and two Getting a sex change surgery is just a waste of Just about everything I'll be a woman on the other side anyway and It's like sex change operations. It's it doesn't always end well Cuz it could take years To really start to set in I mean I look at people who are transgender and do the surgery that were once guys that become females and Some don't look that good at all But I don't I can't picture myself looking guys like it's not what I meant to do I'm not meant to get a sex change surgery. There's no point because I said I'll be a fucking woman on the other side But No, I just I wish I could do that though Hate it so much. I hate having a penis. I hate the masturbate like every fucking day Invising myself as a fucking woman because it's just It's got no point now or I feel so fucking feminine that I can't control it anymore. I'm always always Visioning myself as a woman And I can't do anything about it It's so fucking hard The way I walk now too I just My feet are always like directly in front of the other like on us like I'm walking a fucking tight rope And Shaving my arms and legs and my entire fucking body every three days and always shaving my fucking body You know smooth Shaving cream and everything to make my skin as smooth as possible. I know other things I can use but I haven't experimented enough yet Just wish I could have hair stuck growing on my body just That smooth texture skin and I do after I shave but then after like a day and a half it starts to get rough again and You know bumpy and everything's just guys aren't meant to have silky smooth skin like women do it's Shame that's nice for at least that first day after he shaved Like you do have a chicks body, but it doesn't do justice at all. It's My body or my body my soul's My soul's craving to get back to where it was You know, it's just it can't handle it anymore. I can't handle it anymore. I Got a haircut back in like late June I Wanted to cry it's like just like looking at Mackenzie and Her bangs and everything. It's like, you know, my hair should be that long My hair should be as long as hers You know It was really sad. I just got a full fucking hair chop I didn't ask for a hair chop. It's like they cut it so fucking short It was really Sad for a while So like long hair But Mackenzie Mackenzie and I were meant to be together it's like she was waiting for me Patiently and she needs me and she's venting her thoughts through mine Through Twitter and everything and I you know, I Posted on Twitter That's what she's telling me. She's how she's feeling She's scared she's lost she needs somebody And I've always been that somebody Fortunately, I'm stuck here, you know All my life, it's like oh, I haven't I found a girl I like How come I haven't found a girlfriend yet? You know, I've never been on a date Never had a girlfriend ever and then I Envisioned Mackenzie was like this is it She's my dream girl, she's everything I've ever wanted pretty much I mean people look at her in the back. Oh, that's just ember with some bull cut bangs, you know And you know pink eyes and the black shirt purple sleeves and leggings, you know I don't see that at all. I see Mackenzie That's what I see. That's I know people don't get People say oh, you know the ghost squad members they all look the same nobody's unique They all just look like ember with different colors and it's like I don't see ember with different colors I see Sydney Secor, you know, I See Mackenzie West I see Matilda Ramsey. I see Harmony Ingram. I see all these souls I don't see ember McClain. I See all these different people who were once alive But Mackenzie is the one who I just I've never felt affection for someone like that before obviously like ember ember I have I Connected with her easily but Mackenzie. It's like she's my soulmate. We're made Destined for you just destined for each other And I can't stop looking at her. I can't stop looking at her ever I'm looking at her right now as I've been talking for the last minute I've been looking into her fucking eyes on my poster on my wall here. I Cannot take my eyes off her. She's my everything. She's everything I ever wanted in a girl everything Fucking lover to death Yeah, I can't be with her. She's only been able to exist in my thoughts in my head On a flat piece of fucking paper, you know No, I want to do is hold her You know, I don't want to fuck her or anything. I just want to be with her hold her talk with her Cut her with her a bit, you know Just do things Talk do whatever You know, it's I just wish it could happen One day it will but it's just it's got to wait and having to wait is the hardest thing in the world It's really hard Both virgins she died a virgin It's just what I love in girls more than anything that innocence as much as I love rebellious people You know, I'm rebellious at times not all the time, you know, I still try to do the right thing to get through life, but I Mean that innocence Know they've never done anything wrong never have given their body to somebody else to screw You know, just knowing that they're just perfectly ripe a Heart of gold The fact that they died Way too young out of their control, you know, and like just knowing that they need somebody They got a weight Wait for me to get there it's really hard Kenzie's just I can't express enough how much I love her I I Love to ember to the max Ember was my biggest crush for the longest time and then once I saw Mackenzie that was when things started to change and No matter where I go I'm driving in the car just around people or Just setting it thinking she's right by my side. I know she is I feel her I feel her around me all the time You're telling me it's okay I'm here I Know you can't give away your life yet. You know you still got things to do but I'm here And I'll wait for you It's really hard I'm gonna tell my parents that you know, I don't care about relationships. I don't care about meeting girls Just I don't care because none of them can live up to that Just I hate dealing with people I Hate humans I hate them all And People who I become friends with the very few people I call my friends. I still hate their fucking guts Andrew blank fucking hate his guts most of the time anyway Yeah, I still keep coming back to him and messaging him once in a while texting him and I still think he's a fucking asshole half the time but he claims not to be Fucker wouldn't give me a fucking instrumental for any more when he said he didn't have it but he did Fucking asshole Really what am I gonna fucking do with it release it for the fucking world to hear who was never fucking 99% of the world who has never heard of your fucking band before Fucking done more for you than anyone in your life You know And this precise the point but you know he pissed me the fuck off Back in fall he really pissed me off And No Claims he's never had anything against me or anything. I feel like he fucking hated me for like a year He doesn't you just All people I never thought he'd be like an isolated individual and struggling with self-worth and all that and he told me all this stuff It's like I find it hard to fucking believe He seems so outgoing and really vocal and everything especially because he's a fucking musician, but It's like music has been a way to express myself and all that but I'm really very quiet I'm the quietest out of everyone I gatherings and everything and struggle constantly with self-worth and In dark places before it's like I find it hard to believe just I don't believe it I Just feel like he plays people But if he's telling the truth, then yeah, okay Whatever it's besides the point. I don't know. I like the guy half the time, but I hate him the other half Do all this work for him like you know promoting the shit I have his band I get no recognition for it never Didn't even fucking credit me for the fucking music video No, I had no control over that. Oh, dude, you're the fucking one to upload it on your own goddamn channel Don't pull that shit I mean I fucking hate being lied to you say and I've had to fucking contact your music producer After you claim that you contacted him for the instrumental from a and said you didn't heard you never heard anything back When you fucking contacted my Facebook all the fucking time And I physically contact them and say oh I sent them instrumentals, you know like ten months ago And you lie to my fucking face like that, you know through text obviously what you lie to me Get the fuck out of my life But being that you changed my life For the better it's hard to leave you in the fucking dust Andrew Andrew fucking blank, you know Half the time I think you're a cool guy the other half just I don't fucking want to see your face ever I Hate you more than I like you say that I Don't care how fucking nice you act True it is I don't think you're all that nice Pretty much all you care about yourself like me, which is fine But Being all that fucking trouble I want to animate that fucking intro and everything I've done through promotion for your band All that stuff You don't just do me a favor like that you lie to me saying you don't you don't have an instrumental you have it Fucking die dude Fucking die Derek lying to me too You know We've come to an agreement that we don't want to give out stem tracks or backing tracks Yeah, which you hope you understand it's not meant to upset you or anything I'm a lot of fucked in you telling me that when I asked you in the first place when you said you'd be able to do it Possibly do it and he didn't say you'd be able to do you say you possibly be able to do it And he's fucking stop responding my texts for weeks And you hit me with that. It's like fuck you dude. You had it the whole fucking time The whole fucking time and I waited fucking two and a half months or so for that shit and you still don't give it to me It's a fucking backing tracks not the fucking holy grail or anything. It's not the fucking Bible It's a fucking music track that you probably fucking heavily edited the shit out of Your fucking vocals are heavily edited Auto-tuned shit Probably couldn't sing raw to save your fucking life Everyone's fucking does nowadays auto-tune auto-tune digital effects Maryland people actually used to be able to fucking sing and play music live without pre-recorded shit You know without having to play backing tracks Pre-recorded and everything you know to actually be able to play fucking music legit live Music is the biggest fucking illusion ever made Music's fake Not all of it a good bit of it's fucking fake Music is fake You Hear a vocal track isolated on its own you know those fucking echoes and reverbs and Fucking stereo delays and all that shit just for a fucking vocal And I tell you when I first heard the comeback song isolated vocals I about like cringed and Just felt sad. It's like you know, I thought I thought he could actually sing and it's like no Oh, this band is pretty good send request is really good. No the fucking computer is good is what it is Andrew can't sing that well at all. I don't think Just He has to rely on digital technology to make himself sound good Which makes me also wonder if the guitars are heavily edited either. I mean, I don't know for a fact The stem tracks I've had you can't really tell but It's like how much other music is just fake blows my mind And it's not center class just in general it's like every fucking Modern-day band it's fucking heavily edited. It's all fucking fake You know so have really produced On a way different tangent that I meant to but I Just I hate musicians now. I hate fucking bands And yeah, I started playing guitar recently I'm Obviously terrible at it right now, but that's like I just cannot believe how fake it all is People who claim these bands are so fucking good like they're not They have to rely on digital technology to make themselves sound good Not every band is bad like that, but I'm just saying way more than you'd think Music just pisses me off. I know it's fake It's all matter of opinion Nice I fucking hate bands. I hate musicians. I just hate everything I Mean I can't believe What I'm in is to accomplish In my life so far like I just I've always felt like I was just like a soul that just bobbed Like a cork Seem like just out of nowhere like I just was instantly like decently Accepted on the internet like not famous or anything but Everything that I've done is like it didn't just happen. I made it all happen I'm too stubborn to quit But you know It started off just as You walking around with a video camera pretending to make movies and that led to all the stuff I did with Pioneer's productions and Now with EGS productions all the animated stuff I never thought I'd be able to do cartoons and it's like I just I can do a little bit of everything And not everybody can do that I'm blessed I Do anything Doesn't matter how much I can do it because I don't stay here much longer I keep envisioning like when will I die one while I die one will I fucking Take a stand and do it I've often the vision at being Like when my family's away on a vacation somewhere So I'd have time to plan it out, you know Yes, I can't picture myself moving out of here, that's the biggest thing too. I'm 24 Usually by now you're moved out people move out when they're fucking 18 for fucking embers sake but 24 the way it is now it's like it's my decision. They can't just be like alright fucking move out find an apartment get out of here It's my decision. I want to be here till I'm fucking 30. I could be here till I'm 30. It doesn't really matter I'm not nuisance. I'm not in the way ever Fucking sleep during the day anyway, but it just makes me wonder when will I do it? Just keep thinking, you know May 7th 2019. I'd be the perfect day. It's like NBK with Columbine, you know Just thinking of a date in your head and just saying this is it, you know April 20th, and it wasn't originally April 20th, but Eric planned out a date in his head. He just did it And I feel like that's the same situation here. It's like it's been in front of my face the whole time May 7th 2019 It's that's your judgment day, you know That's it I don't wanna I Really don't want to live to fucking 30. I don't I don't want to make it 30. I keep saying I have this fantasy of dying young This I wish so badly. I could have died when I was a teenager We killed for it, but then I wouldn't have this, you know Want to die somewhat famous that's a goal That way it adds to the lore and everything and discussion I would kill to be able to die decently known maybe not famous but decently known So I could trend on Twitter, you know I don't know I don't know if people will be shocked or So I'm gonna say well, I'm not too surprised, you know, you know how they were but I don't know how people handle it They find out I'm dead. That's just another thing. It's like, okay. Well, how are people gonna know? I'm gonna have to leave a note saying, you know, tell my YouTube channel fan base tell my Twitter All my social media make a post Confirming it, you know, so people don't think it's a conspiracy and that I think my death and all this Me proof I Wonder how people handle it. I wonder if I'll be able to even know the dimension I'll be in This is the biggest curse right now is not knowing the name of that Dimension, you know, the embers ghost squad world. I don't know the name of it When I got sent here everything got white clean and you got to rediscover yourself here and That's been the one thing I had not been able to freaking remember And I don't think I ever will until I'm back there Just what is and I don't know how else to put it Man, it's just Two people think I deserve to be famous do they think I'm just Psychotic just crazy You Guarantee a lot of people well, I did do a poll once saying you think I'm gay and 75% of the votes were yes, I think they were like eight votes only but most of them said yes and Obviously, I'm not but Wonder what people think now I'm just looking at Mackenzie staring into her eyes and at her shirt Just that fucking smile I just drew her for the I don't know what I'm even gonna call it yet. Just This video of Mackenzie Questioning why she has to spend eternity in this world and what her parents would think of her now and You know, no matter how much time passes. It can't erase disbelief discuss the pain the hatred you know Just drawing her as a human On the basketball team and just seeing that smile it just hit me hard It made me almost tear up. It's so sad You know, this is who she was and just like that she was gone And as much as I want people to die on this planet Mackenzie, I wish didn't die when she did Think she could have lived a little bit longer It's so sad I Think keep in mind there are people on this planet who I don't want to die just yet As much as I want to kill everybody here. There's people who I want to live and you know Pass the stories on for my life, but Mackenzie just shouldn't have died I mean I never All these souls I've never met personally in my life Mackenzie I've never personally met Here that is I feel like I met her before I got here but This she didn't deserve that at all Fucking rate kidnapped chopped to pieces or a throat slit, you know It's terrible This kind of thing happens all the time Every month every other week Every week every other day for all I know Don't have that connection with anybody else like Matilda Ramsey she got fucking buried alive Like you think I'd feel like the most sympathetic for her no Though I see it her death was fucking quick, you know You're having a fucking heart attack or whatever and then fucking wake up six feet under and then within like 30 seconds You're dead. Yes, it's a freak out But you've never experienced You die of shock. Yeah, but you don't feel much of anything besides that illusion of Fucking being in shock You don't feel yourself being chopped into pieces being sexually abused and kidnapped and raped and Just butchered like that Sydney on vision getting shot mainly by my own gun but This Feel like I worked with Rachel before just killing people Rachel also just seemed familiar to me for some reason can't really explain it. It's like I don't know Rachel's just a badass I Thought the kensies my fucking angels use my pride and joy My BFF Girl who I would hug and squeeze and never let go and told you at the fucking time I don't want to fucking hold her right now terribly I Can't Want to fucking hold her I want to feel her skin. I want to feel her chest rub up against mine, you know Feel her hair kiss her Cuddle with her just be with her Terribly I Know she'll wait for me no matter how many years pass until I go She'll be there Right now Just Blows my mind how many different voice actresses I had to go through to get Mackenzie's voice, right? Wub cake was not it. I was desperate Wub cake was not meant to be the voice of Mackenzie. There was someone who I had before her that Was literally fresh off the fucking street into voice acting and the script I sent her which was that scariest experience of my life Script she said it was too dark and she couldn't bring herself to do it which Shocked me. It's like really you can't fucking just act that out. What the fuck's wrong with you? You know that pissed me off I Made it out to be like, oh, you know, it's no big deal. I just find another person to do it It fucking pissed me off It's how fucking weak people are. Oh got me to think about past experiences. Oh fuck what the fuck ever It's text just fucking acted out with your voice Fucking worse dude See that led to Wub cake just sending me an email saying you know if you need voice acting I can do that, you know And I sent what The original girl her name was Ness What she sent me as a demo real my can you do a voice like this one? She's like, yeah, I could do that and The more I played Wub cakes audio track voiceover that she sent me the more I realized that I fucked up Cuz I was just I was desperate to get a voice from Mackenzie I just like I just need anybody to do this and a voice similar to this, you know, and I'll be set and Then over the summer is like man. I really fucking fuck this one up I was gonna have a cake record again for Halloween For a video I was gonna call it. It was it was called exhuming me, you know like excuse me But exhuming and Mackenzie and me were gonna go to the cemetery where she was buried and Saw that her grave was exhumed, you know dug up And that her body parts were in there and there was like a note from the guy who killed her a guy for a note From the guy who killed her is saying, you know, I'm still I'm still here or something Or like even dead you're still as hot as ever or something. I don't remember but I'm like, well, I don't want Wub cake to do that, you know, it's that's not Mackenzie's voice I Start to endlessly forever and then I found Laura and Laura was the biggest gem of a find ever forever's ghost squad and she does Rachel and she does Mackenzie and Her Mackenzie voice is just so sweet. It's like an angel whispering in my ears And it's virtually spot-on to how I envision Mackenzie speaking It's almost it. It's right there But she's done amazing she's done an amazing job So I hope I have her around for a long time Wub cake just pisses me off I'm not gonna get into that but I fucking hate her guts half the time Yes, she's a good artist Meaning a drawing artist. I fucking hate her singing voice people make her out to be like she sings like a fucking siren She's fucking singing sucks Get that through your heads fucking just being fucking blind Which he's done on YouTube to even realize how shitty she is Okay, doesn't do shit. Oh I can talk similar to other fucking characters that actual people voice in cartoons. I Can get popular by doing this big fucking whoop you can do impressions who the fuck cares It's not the actual thing. It doesn't matter She can draw yes You can draw that's about it your fucking accent is in every single one of your fucking voices Your accent sucks This is gonna fuck off. It was right in the Mackenzie voice And you fucking did the Mackenzie voice for me. It was like three different fucking voices you went through The very beginning was the Mackenzie voice. It was pretty good and then you just fucking went away from it It's charging way too much fucking money to do things Fucking tape it'll cost me like fucking 85 fucking dollars Sad thing is that's what I use for a guide for everything else after like when I when voice actresses asked me like what I charge Like what I pay is like yeah $5 for 50 words. It's fucking outrageous when it adds up tape videos add up 85 dollars on a fucking voice over and you're not even animating anything for it You're fucking speaking into a mic voice acting isn't that fucking hard I'm not saying I'm fucking queen of voice acting, but it's really not fucking hard It's not hard at all With audio you can manipulate the fucking fuck out of it You don't have to animate anything You just fucking speaking your mic and act like you're the character Granted some things are tough, but fucking voice acting isn't that hard. It's really not that hard at all Again, I'm not saying I'm the best ever but voice acting is not that fucking hard It's really not And act like oh, it's Grooving and oh, it's a lot of work and it's fucking not a lot of work you set up your mic You have your fucking script right there all the words are there the tone they want everything is in the script It's right in front of your fucking face And you just do different variations of saying it You do fucking three different lines or you know fucking three variations for the same line and be done with it And that's it you send it you're done. You don't have to do anything else with that shit You have the easiest fucking job out of anybody I Get the hardest I get shit on with everything else I wrote it. I got a fucking edit it. I got a fucking animate it. What do you do? Oh, you just spoke into the microphone done That's really fucking hard It's not What don't you hire in it? It's fucking financial shit I don't have thousands of dollars to throw at animators to animate fucking entire videos for me. I Like to see you do that too. You wouldn't you won't Pisses me off People fucking with voice over demo reels You praise the shit Most of them aren't even that good Laura was a gem though and I fucking got her as I was shocked I Was desperate too, but I risked it and like okay Maybe she could do Rachel and Mackenzie and Mackenzie was a wild card. I didn't know if she was gonna be able to do it or not You know a real reason she got to be Rachel was because I had two different girls before her They weren't timely enough for my liking I sent them the fucking script with my guide track sending how I wanted the lines red first girl She fucking her name was Reezy Reezy vocal demo reel voice over demo reel fucking I Center the script. She's like oh this sounds fun, but I'm going out of town. I'm going I'm gonna be out of the country for three to four weeks and then I'll do it Which sounded kind of fishy I'm like, okay, I'll wait no problem Three or four months, you know three to four weeks pass Sorry the trip lasted a little longer than expected still looking forward to doing this You know so she records like a few lines and then people got home Fucking like five more days pass nothing Fire got rid of her never heard back from her so you know no longer interested in working with you because you're lacking for reliability found another girl Personally the same thing happened except only six days passed or so after I sent the script and she said she would do it and never sent it to me so I Was just very impatient at that point, you know six days usually it's That's a sign that they're not gonna get it to you in a timely fashion, but they could still do it That's happened with Laura too Mallory especially for Sydney like she could take like weeks to get me something But she could take a week to respond to a fucking Facebook message, but that's okay Because Mallory is okay. She's cool, but Yeah, this other girl fucking six days went by. I'm like you're fucking gone I didn't say it like that I said the same like I said in the same way You know you're unfortunately we're not good though to work together because you're lack of reliability Never heard anything back. I don't think Think her name was Jax But she seemed perfect because she seemed like she could be fucking crazy and psychotic and insane because her demo reel was actually really good But I was pissed when she didn't get me my stuff You know that's one thing I hate more than anything being a content creators when you send stuff to people and they don't get it back They don't give back to you and these were people that were gonna do it for free, but I learned with that. It's like, yeah Want something done good and professionally you got to pay the people so Laura was a Lucky find She seemed really cool I mean even though she's just text on a screen to me, but Just seemed like somebody totally different just by the way she would email me The way she wrote and it's like okay. I feel like I could trust her the other two I didn't really feel like I could trust in her. I just felt like a connection And It wasn't like right away or anything with Rachel it took you know like a week and a half or so I think But when I first heard it it was like it was so nice because I envisioned this script being read in Rachel's voice for like two months And then I had to wait even longer because I had to do the breakup video for Alex Gebhardt I had to do that on my vacation in September. So I'm like all this while I'm waiting like to get this Rachel video done But I had to put it aside then Laura said she was moving which at first I'm like, oh great here we go again with excuses, but You know she was telling the truth So I allowed that so it took her like three weeks. She's like it's gonna take me like three weeks You know I'm moving just moved. I want to sell it to my house first and then I'll get to doing this You know, obviously you're moving to a new area. You got to meet new people and all this stuff. So I understood that so you know, I let it go and You know three weeks later Got the voice over and my jaw dropped. It just how Spot on it was Because I didn't hear anything like, you know, Reezy recorded like You know like a paragraph or something or whatever or the first half of it or something and I never got to hear it I kind of wish she would have sent me what she had but you know, it was what it was. I Wasn't gonna keep her anyway because she was so fucking unreliable, but I wish I could have compared it I doubt she has it nowadays. I'm not gonna contact her again. Oh, you have that Rachel voice over because there's no way in hell but Yeah, Laura it just made my jaw drop here in Rachel's voice and It gave me goosebumps. It seriously sent chills down my spine So soon she started talking with you know Hello It's a stupid fucking thing recording Never used the voice memo app before but now I feel like it's gonna become my new best friend Like just that voice when I first heard it. It was like ghost face as a woman and it was just so Like manipulative sounding and I loved it and it gave me just goosebumps and shivers down my spine and I loved it And I knew I had something special going And it's to this day, it's my favorite tape video the conspiring a massacre to video. It's my favorite one By far I've done a lot of tape videos by now But that one that was really good But This is crazy how all this has happened and it's been years of development Years to understand And I don't know where it's gonna end up when I go but I hope it becomes something I hope they make movies out of this. I hope they make documentaries out of this. I Hope they overanalyze the shit out of it I I I I I really hope it does. I just I've had this vision of it becoming something amazing It's just faith that it will Someday You