brings back memories doesn't it what happened what the fuck happened man I swear to God is what the hell happened so this is surreal right now but I can't believe I'm saying this but I think this is gonna be my last video this is it the last one who would have thought nine years of doing YouTube videos and the thought was always the furthest from my mind when will I stop what will the last take be when will I hit the stop button for the last time you know and back in 2008 I was like tied with okay it seems like it could be like fucking like 20 years from now maybe even longer at the same time it's like okay maybe it could be just a few years a year you don't know but I got cut short the other day with the parents recording so I might as well just finish up everything in this one you know I'll just send it to everybody so I'm uploading all the stuff anyway people are gonna see it no matter what but this will just be part two of what I was talking about the last time which I don't even know like what I ended with but you know I was pretty much saying what I had said before for the most part but this is it it's June 3rd at four nights left that's all that's it so the way I keep looking at it is I'm gonna have so much stuff to keep track of the next few days that I'm gonna have to keep uploading stuff and these are four gigabyte files they're big they take like six hours to upload four to six hours and I just I need to get everything done I can't just keep driving around with the camera here and talking and ranting and bullshitting and shit like that so this is gonna be the last video I make you know besides the massacre video and that stuff or you know the Alex Kevhart tape video that you'll end up seeing as well but this is literally the last video that I'm gonna be sitting in front of the camera and talking to you and this is it and I don't really know what to say it's it's the end this is it this is like this was one of my worst fears in life was leaving YouTube and saying I was done and you know just going and you know I've kind of been in the situation before was like you know it's over there's nothing more I can do that this is it and I made a video like that back in 2015 when I was failing with the animation stuff I'm like all right it's over and I actually started crying on the camera but I scrapped the footage came this close to uploading it then I deleted it and it's cuz I figured out what the problems was what the problems were with animation and all that so like okay I can do this don't need to upload this video now but yeah I actually cried on camera and it was it kind of looked forced but it wasn't but right now I'm actually I don't feel sad because that part of me is just it's died off like in terms of like feeling sorry for people or you know just having regrets and shit like that like most of that it's pretty much gone like all my life it's like oh man I'm gonna regret doing this later I'm gonna regret looking back on this or you know I feel so sorry for this person because I didn't talk to them enough or I feel sorry for them you know all this and it's just at the point now it's like I just I don't care you know I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do and that's the way it's gonna be and it's all about being happy that's the main thing I know when I'm dead I won't be fully happy I'll be one of those souls that it's like yeah I still hate everything but I have what I wanted and I'm gonna do what I want to do but I'm still gonna be pretty pissy I know I am wherever I end up so I don't know the dimension that the ghost squads in I just I don't remember the name but it's what it is and you know it's like it's kind of just been expected like over the years I just slowly kept distancing myself more and more and more away from the YouTube channel and everything and the fan base you know the live stream stopped and all that so you know all the contact I've had with people has just been going farther and farther away so it's like I don't feel like pressure to do this like I would have years ago or I just I don't feel sad really at all you know it's just like this has been coming for a long time now you know how many videos I made saying you know this is it you know these are gonna be my last few videos or you know I can only picture myself doing a few more I can only be picture myself being around for a year and all this and you know it's that's all it's been the last few years there's been some content in there but a lot of it's just been videos of me talking to the camera and it's just there's no emotion left like even like my voice doesn't sound like it used to quite fully anymore like my voice like I just looked back at like the suicide tape recordings like right now I noticed like what I'm talking like my voice has gotten weaker and weaker and weaker and you can notice that compared to the past every fucking video my voice has gotten weaker and like not my acting voice but my general speaking voice like when I'm making videos like this and it's just you can notice that over the last few years like from 2014 through now like you'll notice like the voices gets a little bit weaker a little bit weaker a little bit weaker and it was pretty eerie seeing that happen but I'm actually right now I'm sitting in the parking lot where I filmed the scene for resurrection the scene in the car where the whole curse theory started in that video and all that yeah I'm about 15 20 yards away from the space it's pretty pretty cool I didn't think I'd be back in here like recording on camera again but here I am same parking lot wasn't gonna I was gonna park in the same space but the Sun was facing that way so I wanted to be able to actually like see the camera for this so I'm not gonna sit here for like two hours and talk about regrets or what I wish I could have done and all that shit I'm just gonna sit here for probably an hour and just talk to you one last time just say whatever else that comes to mind and that will be it I I probably won't post another video of me on camera after this again I might for all I know I don't know for sure but the way I see it is this this is it can you figure I work tonight that's Saturday gone Sunday okay well then I need to start finishing up the video and then the whole night Sunday night gotta work on the video into Monday and then I start uploading the other stuff I have recorded and it's just I gotta keep working on that stuff and getting it all done and getting everything ready and I can't just afford to just start driving around and bullshitting again so this is it so I look back at all the people who have watched me from day one from 2008 2009 all the way through today some people were extremely loyal like people like nighty James obviously but it's like didn't have a choice you know like Nelly Simmons even point Baron you know people like this they never left they've been around for like seven eight years it's like how that's insane like in the fact that I wasn't like a huge youtuber or anything but yet people still stuck around stuck that's not even a word people still stuck around to see what I was gonna do next I always had a big ego it was always big I always like felt like I was bigger than I was a reality I was like I wasn't even at 10,000 subscribers but I felt like I had like a hundred thousand and I had a big ego that's how I am I always dream big you don't dream small you dream bigger go home that's how I've been I've like ever since day one on YouTube ever since I was able to pick up a video camera in elementary school I wanted to make big videos I wanted to make movies I want to make documentaries I wanted to do all this stuff for me you know not on other shit for my YouTube channel and all this and I wanted to make short films and all that and you know I did but I always dream big you'll notice even like the old videos what I have left from 2008 they were still you can see where it was gonna go you saw that they were gonna become bigger and more in depth and more abstract and all that you saw that early on and James even mentioned that and one of these it was on a message board somewhere that I read you know he was talking about how I do videos compared to how he does videos and all this and you know like James will be like you know my scripts are just very whatever you know like I'll just I won't tell him what I'm gonna have him do I'll just tell him right then and there like this is what you're gonna do here's your lines blah blah blah I'll be like okay well when Andrew records you know it's like he takes into consideration the wind outside the elements he makes sure he gets different camera angles and if something happens with the take and it's bad he'll stop and start over you know and he said something like you know he was making professional looking shots out of his videos he was taking professional looking camera angles and all this stuff and that made me feel cool and good and it made me happy noticing that people noticed that you know because that's always how I've been I've always been a perfectionist granted in 2008 I had mistakes like I had plenty of mistakes back then that I didn't even notice until it was even on YouTube like I even had a video it was one of those old burglar videos where I I actually didn't cut out me adjusting and moving the camera for one of the shots and I left it in there but the videos forever lost I'll never be able to get it back but you know I was always a perfectionist which there's nothing wrong with that take pride in your work make it as good as you can and even so you'll still find imperfections but that's what makes it even better knowing that it's not perfect you know I can't express that enough as much as I like I am a perfectionist you know I still wouldn't mind seeing a little mistake here and there that's all part of being a creator you'll have mistakes nobody's perfect but it's just I don't know man I was gonna say something else but I lost it let's let my mind see if I can think of it in the next 15 seconds if not then they won't mmm it's not coming well I lost it sorry but that's the way it goes but you know it's just I I still had like no idea back in 2008 that I would do all the stuff that I did all the things I would do I had no idea would get this far like I dreamed of it yeah like everyone dreams to make it big but it's like really what are the chances of me like getting a decent fan base and all this shit and you know making a difference for people and all that I really honestly didn't think it would happen I thought after like a year on YouTube something else would have came along and I would have just left YouTube you know I just thought it's like a temporary thing although I loved doing it you know I was around when Google video was around you know I made some videos for that which is also forever lost but oh this is what I was gonna say I hope to God Sunday like you know they have the way back machine and all that but I hope somehow you can recover deleted videos from YouTube like if only you can go back into like the server data or something and get stuff that was originally uploaded say like in 2008 if only you can go back into like the preferences and somehow and all this and go back as if it literally was 2008 and just rip it from the site and download it because I had so many videos that are forever lost like from 2008 2009 even 2010 I had videos I'll never get back and it sucks a lot and they were they were like they were so different compared to now like I wish I could see them now they're just in my head now but I wish you could have seen how different I was you know there was stuff that was just downright cringy and would make you want to put a bullet in your head if you had to watch it for a day straight but it's just it showed how far I came with what I've done but I don't have that to back it up now which sucks you know people who probably started watching me a few years ago like they probably think that like the Mr. Horsehead video is what started everything it was my first video and all this and it wasn't because I'm pretty sure on the Pioneers Productions channel Mr. Horsehead is the first video on there now which wasn't true I've been around since June 9th 2008 and up until like I'll just say through the end of 2009 I probably had like anywhere from like 80 to 100 videos on my channel guess what happened about 90% of them got deleted so I just I didn't know back then that you could like get external hard drives and save all your stuff and also because I didn't even have a job yet you know so by 2020 when I got a job when I actually was able to buy things then I started like looking at a flash drives and stuff to put stuff on to save it because like when we did the alligator horsehead video with Damian I wanted to save all of his raw footage so what did I do I put it on a fucking flash drive and eventually I got external hard drives and right now I have about five of them so you know I went crazy with that but I just wanted to save everything I did from then on out because I knew like this is my legacy this is my life and someday I'll be dead and I don't want this stuff to just get lost forever you know then you're nobody so I was forever thankful for people like TJ although I fucking hated his guts after 2015 he saved so many videos that I had that I thought I was like that I thought I lost you know he was downloading them nighty he saved a shitload of them that I thought actually really were forever lost like stuff from my second channel like the amusement park vlog and I don't know like just some random vlogs I did like the snow day vlogs and stuff that I found it's like holy fuck I can't believe he has this and it blew my mind like he had I'm pretty sure he had the original burglar video which was the first video I uploaded on Pioneers Productions although there was no audio on it but he had the video that was just as good as having it you know so I'm forever thankful for that although I hated TJ you know he pissed me off to the fucking extreme at one point not to the extreme but you know I just fucking had it with them I just wanted my life but he saved so much stuff I did and without him in my life I wouldn't have some of these videos and that page he put them on it's still up he might take it down over time for I know he'll be pissed at me or something you never know but you know there's probably stuff on there that I didn't even download that you know is on there so I need to go look quick over this weekend and see what I can you know take from that and upload to this digital set like there's like live stream pictures on there screenshots from that that I would never be able to have done myself you know maybe even a few videos that I missed so I'll go see but this digital set I tried to include every single recovered video I had in here and there were a couple times where I was uploading stuff and they failed for some bizarre reason which it happens once in a while I did like bulk uploads like if I had like 10 videos in there maybe like three of them would fail and sometimes they got duplicated even though it said they failed but they got uploaded somehow so I might have had videos that I thought were uploaded not get uploaded you know so I don't have any way of checking of which did and which didn't because it'd take me like all fucking day because you got to go through like 300 fucking videos and I'm not willing to do that so I miss some I miss some it's what it is and they're on YouTube anyway for now I don't know what will happen to my channels after this but you know anyways just I'm thankful for whoever have saved my videos you know because I got to watch myself grow up with this channel and seeing old videos that I thought I forever lost it was like Christmas morning it really was it was awesome so thank you for that no matter who you are just thank you for that because it's the world to me I don't know what people are gonna think of me after this it doesn't bother me but for the longtime viewers the longtime fans what will they think will they ever look at my channel again after this will they ever think of me again after this will they just want me out of my life after this me out of my life will they want me out of their life out of this after this see I can't talk anymore guys I get worse every day cannot I can't speak right anymore it's terrible I wanted to make these all raw and unedited too so you just get get this is what you get you know this is it no fancy editing no graphics no nothing it's just me and you that's all that matters right now me and you because you won't see me anymore so just just want to be as real as possible with you you know because also because you you guys haven't seen me in like the last year or two I just I disappeared so these videos are the most I've recorded myself on film since it's not technically films digital but you know since like 2014 or 2015 I was doing all the update videos for the EGS videos you know that was the last time I actually like sat in front of the camera I just stopped so that's why these are so big these are you know four or five gigabyte files which I apologize for but that's why I'm doing this just to talk to you you know I'm dedicating my last few days on earth my last two nights on earth to do this for you so it's the last you know the last bit of generosity left in me is to do this digital set to give you everything I have you know what I can anyways you know I'd be spending like a whole fucking month uploading everything if I could which I can't so all the essential stuff is on this digital site so I tried gathering as many pictures as I could as many like as many fan art edits that I could that you guys have made photos in general screenshots from videos so it's like the full resolution you know spent so much time gathering this stuff so hopefully it was worth it that's a lot it's like 150 fucking gigs of stuff so I mean you never think you're gonna die it's in the back of your mind once in a while but you never just sit and think every night of your life this is it seven more nights six more nights five more nights I'll be dead you know you don't think like that ever look at everybody in this park a lot just going about their daily routines not thinking about dying not thinking about hating people and not thinking about wanting to shoot people and here I am with four nights left to live on this planet it's it's crazy just looking at everyone at the supermarket the manager is coming in just messing around and talking about this and making fun of this or bitching about that or whatever then it's just like four more nights your whole lives are gonna be turned upside down because of me I'm gonna fuck your life up I can't wait and just hoping I can cause as much destruction as I can I want that supermarket I want that supermarket to be closed for like a fucking month or go out of business one of the two there's always one of the thoughts like how long will it be closed for knowing how much of a money whore why is this will just open up the following day all right everything's cleaned up can't clean everything up that fast all the shit that's gonna have fucking bullet holes in it it's a crime scene it's gonna be a crime scene I just right now it just feels like times just been standing completely still so you think okay it's coming up it's coming up it's coming up it's not here yet it's gonna be the longest four nights of my life and then it'll be over just like that just like that and everything will just be thrown away people look at me and be like dude you could have gone to school you could have gone I did go to school you know you could have kept pursuing school and got on to work on movies or documentaries or independent films you know you could have done something and made a name for yourself in a good way I didn't care to make a name for myself in a good way didn't once I was in college I'm like what the fuck ever I'm done with this it's just I wanted to make a name for myself through the internet or I was gonna do something bad and make a name for myself I knew it was gonna be one of the two but I never thought I'd actually end up doing that it's like how does that happen it's like you're born that way it's in your soul contract it's what's gonna happen you just don't realize it throughout your life but it's like you just look back it's like I was like the nicest kid I didn't have anything bad going for me in my life I had two good parents you know I had a brother had a roof over my head I had a car had a job had my own computer and all that I had a fanbase that cared about me and all this you know just like that flipped but what shocked me more than anything was like when I started showing who I really was and like showing the darkness in me and then all like the hatred in me and all this like on social media and everything nobody really left like they still supported it I was like wow I've really manipulated these people that's amazing yeah I had long-term viewers that went elsewhere I could have a couple but that's how it is I've watched youtubers like for four years and then just stop watching them you know that's what happens that's how life is but it still shocked me that people still stuck around it's like I expected everyone to leave me after that you know like when I started doing the cartoons and everything I'm like I'm gonna lose everybody but in reality I pretty much filled in the void that I left from leaving Pineas Productions with new fans it was cool but that was also weird because every time I posted a video on the EGS channel it's like I don't even know who these people are it's weird just random people now to me so I'm interested to know like what people are gonna think of me after all this happens you know change perspectives on a lot of things it's like 70 degrees in this car it's fucking hot I want to turn the air on though kill my battery so your car battery going for like an hour and a half dead battery just I wanted to do this I wanted to set the camera up one last time and just talk to you one last time because this is it I said this is it so many times in this video but this is it I'm going I'm going to where I truly belong I'm not going to hell or anything like that it's a crock of shit I'm not getting thrown into a ring of fire you know like the seven layers of hell and all this or like the layer where you like fall for like 2,000 years non-stop and then you get punished and all this shit I'm not getting thrown into that everyone has a purpose on this on this planet this was mine and it's just that's how it has to be I don't care so you can believe what you want religious wise but I really don't give a shit believe what you want but however what a thought that a cartoon character would cause this to happen a cartoon character how can a cartoon character bring all this out in you how was that even possible look at ember talking led me to send request led me to McKenzie let me to Rachel Rachel shadows Rachel Hodge too but yeah most of the time if I ever say Rachel I mean Rachel shadows or the shotgun but yeah it's it's all thanks to ember some saying granted thanks to people who've watched me over the years too but ember changed everything all goes back to her a fucking cartoon she's more than just a cartoon let me tell you I don't know I'm just milking the time here I don't know what to really say the biggest question will always be why I'm like partially told you why sometimes that they get scary or not knowing why I could tell you everything that's no fun there's stuff that you still don't know about me that I'll never tell you I'll take it to the fucking grave so I just sat and talked whatever came out came out that's it you the Andrew Blaze suicide tapes is sponsored by ruffles they have ridges I didn't eat lunch or breakfast last night at all I never eat breakfast anyway but this was my entire night this is what I ate all night all my camera my phone's leading against this on my dash this is all I ate bags filled up to here right now was about up to here when I open it and you want to chip swear to God I can't stop doing that with my eye now that her right eye is she has a right eye deformity but always you know like when you draw eyes like they're like squished like when they're like when you're being expressive and you're like angry or when you're like happy how your eyes squish her right eye is always squished like that the eyebrow can change but the bottom is always like that I can't stop doing it I've had like personal habits over the years like I just keep doing something and I can't stop doing it like fucking like third grade I scared one of the girls that I hung out with a lot pretty much was like a mini girlfriend at the time Ashlyn I would always just like I would like do that with my head for like no reason next that's cuz I couldn't stop doing it I would just like shake my head like like like this like six times or whatever and stop like ten minutes later I'll do it again and just sporadically throughout the day she's like you're scaring me why do you do that I'm like I don't know I was back in third grade it was 2001 another habit I had was that one nodding my head like this for no reason that lasted for years it's just I guess you call him ticks like nervous ticks or nervous habits but it's not even I wasn't nervous about anything it just just happened what the fuck I was never able to stop it was weird that was another one doing that with my eyes yeah you have psychopath like serial killer fucking in the making right there I don't know probably the last most recent one is just like like coughing for like no reason I don't know just I don't know don't that my whole life I just make like weird faces for no reason like people are saying that about Eric Harris is like why is he doing all this random shit but I'm like I do that so not just some kind of psychopath shit and Eric Harris wasn't a psychopath he wasn't I'm not a psychopath I don't hunt people down and kill them I just one thing I hate people who chew with their mouth open I don't think I've ever done that it's gross yeah I need to fucking eat something substantial I'm fucking dying here kill myself I fucking kill myself guys I really fucking do I know I can't say that the same way ever again oh jeez yeah I talked about food the other day just how I don't want to eat anything anymore and sucks just even fucking bones that was for shaving they just shaved today shaved my whole body again and accidentally cut myself who it's always like the same spots it's either right here right above like the ball on my ankle or I don't know it's those are pretty much the only two spots but what happens it's like fuck I hate cutting myself but I don't know what to talk about it's been going for 36 minutes already that's 30 minutes to say whatever what do you say I don't know yes you need to realize though like I'll be where I belong after all this no matter what I did I'll be happier that's what matters and whether you believe that or not these people that I was about to that I'm about to kill they're part of the soul contract as well this was there this was their destiny this was their fate this is what I had to do with this is what had to happen to them you can believe that as much as you want you get things a crock of shit I don't care don't care I just felt like making random faces there I don't know why I'm starting to sweat in here dude it's hot I like it hot but not when you're in a car and you got no air coming in yeah I cannot wait to not have to deal with this anymore this is a pain in the fucking ass look at this shit see that that is horrible this has been no effort at all this is a straight I can make it that is awful like the swelling never went fully down see my finger on this one on this side look at that it's like fucking twice the size yeah so that'll be fixed finally deal with that since fucking Halloween of 2014 you said how many of you can go through three years of your life with that or the rest of your fucking life with that go crazy one thing I will say though is I just I want to thank everybody who has watched me for this long and I'm not just saying it to say it I'm saying it from what little heart I have left in me that I appreciate what people have done for me because you have no fans you have nothing you know and some people don't need fans they just make their work and that's it but that's very rare you know you have no audience what's the point of making stuff so I never didn't have anybody I always had somebody watching so just thank you for that because I don't know what would have happened had my fan base died or had I only gotten like you know 10 views of video for the rest of my career and all this you know anything could have happened and I could have been dead back in like 12th grade for all I know you don't know so thank you for that no matter who you are I don't care if I hate your fucking guts thank you because you helped get me to where I'm supposed to go that's the truth no matter how much I hate and despise people you all played a role in getting me to where I'm supposed to go so thanks for that it pains me to say thank you for things nowadays it really does sucks being all lovey-gooshy-mushy like thank you guys so much you changed my life and all this and you know I'm here if you want to talk and all this shit you know whatever I mean that though for the people I sent the emails out to if you ever need someone to talk to you can always talk to me I mean that from the bottom of my soul so but that was all mostly just for attention back in the day just saying like I cared about people and it's just just trying to boost my image pretty much that was it I don't know I just I don't care I don't everyone has problems you deal with it in your own way that's all I can say some people the internet's the escape route and that's what it was for me take away YouTube I'm nothing really not so just to think that I started with a big home movie camera that was like this fucking long that you put these little DV cassette tapes in there to record on back when you actually recorded on tape I went from that you know just casually walking around the house with that pretending I was making a movie and acting on the camera even if I was just like whispering it into the microphone to starting a YouTube channel to editing my own videos to making skits and sketches to making short films all just from the push of a button on a camera imagine if you didn't have video cameras in this day and age no way to document anything that was physically happening in front of you besides just writing it in a book take away video cameras it's entirely different world can only imagine what it'll be like in a hundred years from now what a lot of thousand years from now the next millennium in the year 3000 what is technology gonna be like personally I think the whole world will be fucking devastated by then there won't be any human race left because we're just gonna be the ultimate the minds of ourselves we're gonna kill ourselves it's how it's gonna end I know it if not then the eternal war will that's how I see it I mean there's other dimensions out there besides earth other worlds there's gonna be a big eternal war where was in the path is in the path they're gonna die and I'll be laughing I will be laughing my white ghost female ass off be having the time of my life you just think how slow time actually is you look at all the things that have happened in history like you just look back like even as far back as just the 70s or the 80s it's like all this stuff is here now but at the time it was coming out one at a time all these bands that have had albums like to think there was a time where that was just brand new they didn't have a whole legacy or history yet it's like I just I did that with myself now that's my legacy it's over that's what I made that's what I had to show for myself you know and I think how long that seemed and that was just nine years I didn't even reach a decade on YouTube which even so being on YouTube for more than like three years is an accomplishment so I made it to nine actually I didn't I missed my nine years by two days so or a day just depending how you look at it but can that close to reaching nine but I mean I could sit here and say thank you to a million people individually for everything they've done but I'd be sitting here all damn day I've kind of done this before like when I switch channels I think it was the rest in piece Pirates Productions video like you know thank you Damian thank you nighty thank you like you know I just went through like a bunch of people off the top of my head I mean I could I could do it again but it's just there's no purpose because then I'll feel kind of kind of shitty for like leaving some people out that I'll like regret later like I still have a regretter to my life they're not fully gone but stuff like that's like I feel bad if I didn't mention somebody because that happens a lot I have a good memory but when it comes to just sitting in front of the camera at times and just saying the stuff I forget things and I want to kill myself afterwards there's just so many people that changed my life so many people that put a smile on my face so many people that made me feel warm inside just from text on the screen it's insane and if I were to name everybody I'd be here till like fucking four o'clock you know so many people and you know whatever happened throughout my YouTube career I'm glad it happened I'm glad I had fights with people I'm glad I blocked people I'm glad I met certain people I'm glad I got to collaborate with certain people you know I'm glad I was able to help inspire others to do things you know I've I've done what I set out to do when I get messages saying you know I help people get through dark times or I changed their life you know or my videos make them laugh their ass off or put a smile on their face you know that's that's all I ever really wanted deep down I just it wasn't there in the beginning like in the beginning I just want to be like I want to get famous from it I was pretty much it but I still enjoy talking with the people because I always felt like I was bigger than I was like hey these are my fans cool let's talk with them but at the end of the day it was just like I just I wanted to not only make a legacy for myself but I wanted to help inspire other people just showing that you don't need much to make something awesome that's what I said like what Piners Productions was all about was just using what you had around you making it work and making something out of it you know look what I did I talked to a stuffed whale and a rubber frog for years that got thousands of views it's not that hard you know anybody can do it if I could do it you can it's it's totally possible anyone can have a video get decent views on it as long as you put in the time the work the effort the passion you can get somewhere with something it's not just YouTube videos I mean just anything in life you know I could have animated cartoons for a couple months and then just throw it all away which I almost did but I didn't I stuck with it stuck with it for almost two and a half years think about that it's a long time I mean for someone who just shot videos on film for seven of those years to just switching gears like that to do an animation not anyone can just do that that's a real talent right there and it's you know it's a lot of luck too but it's also passion and pride determination in your work which I've always had you know the last video the massacre video yeah I wasn't finished but that's just because it wasn't worth killing myself over seriously it just it got to the point where I'm like I'm done I can't keep pushing myself like this anymore it's gonna be what it is that's it you know you can only do so much on your own I learned that big time over the years I was just a one-girl crew everything you saw was all done by me you know I did it all except for some voices here and there I did everything all these videos you see on piner's productions all these videos you see on EGS productions EGS world whatever it is now Embers of Ghost Squad you know all that was all done by me I did everything I never ever once sent something to somebody to edit like I never had somebody else edit one of my videos I never had anyone mix like music for me or anything I never sent voiceovers to people to cut or make sound like fuller and shit like that like I did the whole thing every video for nine years I did everything and I take great pride I take great pride in that I do it makes me feel accomplished which is what I've longed for for most of my life to just be able to sit back and look at things that I did be like I did something right I made something awesome I feel good about this you know like I said I made videos that were like Jesus what the fuck was I thinking there this is totally total shit you know but I still like it I still like the videos that I made that worked really bad you know the retards and peanut butter video the chat roulette insanity video chips and apple you know jack the retarded kid Randy on Christmas you know the I am make me bad video you know all these videos I'm still proud of it because I was just being who I was you know it's how I was a whole time yeah I had a like a hard problem with Christmas in the early days but you mature with it you adjust to it and you know came a long way with that but I still like looking back on that stuff you know it's good stuff it's still entertainment it's still funny you know no matter how bad it is some could just be laughably bad which makes it funny you know so in the end I pretty much win no matter what can't lose ways I look at it it's like I was like on the seon that had an actual decent fan base pretty much don't say on the seons name personally I actually used to watch on you see on back in 2009 I used to use his music in my videos and I just sort of went like all right he's making really weird shit that I don't care about so because he would crossdress and shit and like no thanks even though I crossdressed myself but I just I didn't watch him after that pretty much but it's kind of funny pretty similar with some things we view I say really brutal shit on Twitter sometimes but people support it sometimes it blows my mind it's like cool 52 minutes I'm starting to overheat in here too I'm really starting to sweat I still want to talk about it's my last time on video what should I say I keep in mind this is going to my parents too so it's most like piss in this car good Lord no air in here I even have an air freshener that just opened the other day it's not doing jack shit right now it's like piss or like a dirty gym bag yeah I know it's not me cuz I just took a shower so it's all the junk food that fell under my seat there's tacos under there probably from like fucking half a year ago yeah no point in vacuuming now so I guess I just want people to realize that things got to happen in this world and some of them are obviously gonna be evil and dark and tension and all that and that it can happen to anybody happen to me look at me would you ever once think that I would go out and shoot up a fucking store I don't think so I mean I know some of you will like never be able to look at me again or look at the stuff I made and all this and not be able to think about what I did or overall might not ever like be able to accept what I did you know that's life you can't please everybody with everything you do this is no exception so obviously I'll have followers after this there'll be people who get inspired by what I did to do something of their own you know Columbine obviously will inspire more people Sandy Hook or was it the Cleveland elementary school shooting the was a Barbara Spencer the I don't like Monday's girl you know to think that was like the first big shooting in the United States and it was a woman it was a girl a fucking girl was the first school shooter who would have thought that would be possible it's a man's world yeah fuck men women are better by far I don't like Mondays tell me why I don't like Mondays I want to shoot the whole day down the lesson today is how to die he always said she was good as gold I love that song I guess I bought it the other week I can't stop playing it now the boomtown rats kind of a name for a band is that what the fuck catchy song though at the same time it sound like it could have been something from like 2004 but like I just know like when I hear a song it's like there's no way that this is modern music and that was right because this was back in like 79 they don't make music like they used to I'm not even gonna get started on music again now I already ranted about it for like a half hour yesterday so put my keys on the ignition for a bit here just come I'm starting to overheat a bit here there's gonna get some air flowing in here it's hot it's only 66 out and feels like fucking 75 in here I'm gonna miss you guys really am miss you a lot even though you just been text on a screen to me 99% of the time you know I've skyped with some of my viewers before not very many but a few of them have even met one of my viewers in person before Max some two or three times at the store talked with them two times but I saw him like three or four times talked to them over skype before that and next thing I knew I saw him at the fucking store cuz I was like wow he lives in the town where I work who knew small world but yeah it's just that blew my mind that was my first ever fan encounter it was awkward as hell but it's still cool nowadays it'd be just a little bit different I'm more easygoing and can listen to people bitch more and shit like that and talk and all that but just at the time was always awkward like meeting people yeah all the people all the people who watched me I think how many people in general have just seen a video I've made how many hundreds of thousand how many hundreds of thousands of people have seen my face think about that it's a lot it's like not everyone can just do that to like not everyone can just put themselves out there on the internet like that and show their face like how many people you still see in webcam videos with a mask on their face ranting about things or whatever and they just don't want their identity to be revealed like people like I hate it as guts the Columbine Video Archives channel that guy never revealed his identity he never showed his face and this channel got deleted somehow which I think law enforcement made him take it down but yeah I hated that guy I enjoyed what he uploaded though in terms of like the new stuff or like rare footage you like Harley whatever see or like footage inside the high school when it reupload and reuploaded when it reopened you know but as a person I fucking hated him it's one of those guys where he just he thinks he's funny but he's not didn't deserve the fans he had really don't think he did at all didn't even show his face you know he's getting fucking fame off of a fucking natural disaster you know fuck you how many people doing the same exact thing yet one guy actually gets like somewhat decent subscribers with it he almost had like fucking 10,000 subscribers in like a year it's like I should have had that you know but then I look back it's like okay well I really wasn't making much content anyway so can't be sour grapes over that but yeah I was always jealous of people whenever people got fucking views and subscribers and good feedback and support and when I didn't I was always fucking jealous of it I look at some things on YouTube like the popular channels at times it's like how are these videos getting so many views how are these people so popular like this content is so shitty it's like I always felt like I deserved to be up there but I never was that's the way it goes so there's no telling what would have happened had I did get you know more subscribers and views like if I was posting that stuff that I'm posting now like when I was like if I had like a hundred thousand views on every video I would make or something you know I could have been like reported to the police you know never know so all right I just passed the hour mark on this recording so I'll talk to you for a few more minutes here and then I'm gonna get going I need to I gotta go who could have guessed that somehow some way somehow someday we'd have to say goodbye time has come it's a great song by the way although I'm not desensitized at all maybe ball like a fucking baby when Bruno died when I would play that song or since it's like sad music doesn't get to me it's one thing I could talk about quick I listened to like the top 50 and top 100 like saddest songs of all time or top 100 songs that would make you cry none of them did none of them like only like one like really like kind of touched my soul in a way but that was like it none of them connected with me none of them made me feel sad it's also because it's like parts of me had just been dying it's like Michael Myers I was told there was nothing left you know that's what it's been like parts of me just keep dying every day every night and my emotions my emotions my emotions just aren't what they used to be yet the most random thing in the world can make me cry but things that are supposed to make you cry they don't fucking let it go and frozen made me cry a lot not just once numerous of times like almost every time I'd watch the movie and I watched the movie like fucking 20 times half of them I cried or the ending always made me cry stuff like that makes me cry but things that are supposed to make me cry don't what the fuck it's just it's inexplainable unexplainable as much as I say I've been depressed all these years I hardly would ever just sit and cry it's happened trust me but it's the side of depression that doesn't have a lot of tears like there's like nothing to to emote or express at times or you're just sitting in your miserable and you're just dead and gone and you just fall down a hole into an abyss of nothingness yeah sadness goes with it but I've sat on my bed and cried numerous of times more than I can name offhand happens depressions are real serious issue on this planet how many people had depression legit authentic depression like I have how many people actually have it one in ten people I don't know I never looked at the stuff like the statistics on it holy shit is anyway I think it is no fucking way get a good look at you my childhood friend Matt Gilbert his dad drove a car like that I laughed my ass off that that was him because I'm I'm like two miles from his house he moved out by now but I don't know where he lives he he's non-existent on social media sucks I wanted to send him like the old videos we made but yeah maybe whole areas I don't know I'm just saying whatever it's just it's okay my mom's texting me any food ideas story of my life part of me doesn't want to go I don't want to leave you guys right now I don't but I know that I have to have to let yous go and I thought like the last video I'd make would be like so emotional I'm like over the top and I'd be like balling and you know having second thoughts about uploading it and all this but it's like I just I don't feel anything I don't feel sad I don't feel happy I just feel like accomplished I guess that's the best way I guess I can describe it I don't have regrets I don't have things I wish I could have done that's pretty much the same as a regret but I'm satisfied pretty much with what I've done yeah I wish I could have made much more content and much more abstract stuff that that will never go away I always wish I could have made top-notch content like some of you might think I did top-notch content and some of it I guess yeah it was but I just I always wanted to do so much more you know I dream big all the time the EGS tapes I kept making them better but then it got to the point where I didn't want to work on them anymore because I'm like this is too simple this is too bland you know it's just a graphic with the audio over it that's not entertaining to watch yeah people still would have watched it they would have just appreciate it just as much as if I put like a shit ton of like shit little effort into it you know I could have done a million tape videos people still to watch them but the perfectionist in me is like well it doesn't look like high quality or anything so I'm not gonna do it that's what happened with the Alex Gephardt tape I was gonna put that on YouTube I don't think I ended up doing that I'm speaking in advance here I just I don't think I'm gonna upload it just gonna be in the digital set I might I don't know but it's just that's what happened with members go squad got to the point where I just couldn't bring myself to put effort into it anymore because it's too much work cartoons were an entirely different ballgame with video video you have the footage it's all right there you make it work cartoons possibilities are endless but you need to physically bring it to life and I couldn't do it anymore the wife and me was just sucked out I mean I still have stuff I need to add to the massacre video but truth is there's gonna be animatic shots in there I'm gonna have to leave those in there I'm not gonna be able to animate them people will watch it do it what the fuck is up with that it's cuz I lost the motivation and the will to do it I was done so I'm sorry about that that's one thing I am sorry about I wish I could have made it like a full-length video I wish I could have animated the entire track that was pretty much the goal but then the animators fucking screwed me so spent the money on fucking ammunition oops way to go hope they regret that really hope they do so I mean it feels ironic in a way you know I started making YouTube videos without being a perfectionist I'm gonna have to end it without being a perfectionist there's gonna be mistakes in there there's gonna be things that weren't fully finished in there you know so in a way I'm proud of myself for that I didn't kill myself over it in the end I just accepted what it was you know alright guys you know this is my last video it's what it is you know that's it in a way I feel like I said I feel bad about that cuz like I had all this stuff going for me and it just ends like that's how like absolution was at the same time it's like absolution was nice cuz it brought you down memory lane and all this and you know it was a decent video wasn't bad but at the end it just made you feel like that's it you know so that's what the shame about this but the very end of the massacre video turned out actually to be pretty good because I didn't I wasn't gonna actually do that like animate I didn't animate I just drew it you know the suicide at the end like with me and then Rachel and then the camera pans a coat like a close up across our bodies and stuff I wasn't gonna actually do that like I was just gonna show me killing myself and like I have to show Rachel too cuz originally intended Rachel to like blow herself up that's what I was gonna do she was gonna shoot like a bunch of propane tanks in the building and the whole school was gonna explode and she would die laughing and all that and you know some cops who could kill it and you'd have a big shot from outside of the school blowing up and all this I had all this in my head and I just I didn't have time to do it so Rachel like myself shot herself through the mouth and it blew her brains out so I laughed my ass off looking at that ending shot it's like that's the last shot I'm gonna ever do for a video and it's Rachel like it's just it made me laugh so hard it didn't make me cringe it's gonna scare the shit out of some people but it's just it's so fucking funny it's just that's how it ends it ends in chaos and madness you know insanity craziness just like my YouTube career started with didn't make any sense you know the ending for this it makes plenty sense this ending but I was just I had that moment of like that's it that's the last shot you know that's still have more shots to make but just hit me it's like that's the last image people will have of a fresh new video you know I have like the big montage at the end but I feel like I should just make that it's like its own video because when people see this is gonna be like a 25 minute long video like part of me is like well yeah but this is the last video gonna make so it gives a fuck but at the same time it's like it's gonna be like a 25 minute video and people would be like why the hell is this video so damn long and like the actual video itself was like it was all built up and nothing like really happened just like two minutes of it actually happened you know it's just so what I had to make work it's what I did that's what I had to play with you know I had no animators to help me which I intended on having like three people help me with this and none of them helped kept referring me to more people never heard of any responses back people said they would help then I had to push me back months and it was too late so that's what you have I'm still proud of it you know even though it's not finished it's amazing I think I fucking made it all I made it work even if the animation is not fully there I still did it so even though it's kind of ending on a little bit of a down note but I'm satisfied with it the bare minimum of what you can call satisfied so everything has to come to an end someday and unfortunately this is the end for me you never think that it's gonna happen it's like just thinking about dying you never think you're gonna die the thing for some people it happens just like that they could just be driving on the highway and a brick and come flying through your fucking windshield and kill you just like that you wouldn't even see it coming and what can die at any given moment of the day just think about that you could be watching this video today for all I know and you could be dead tomorrow think how many people go to sleep at night and they're gonna die the next day and they have no idea think about how many people like me are gonna go to bed and then wake up and know they're gonna die it's surreal just think about that you know people try to think about all the good things in life but you never think about things like that I did all the time just look at all the tweets on my social media the Andrew Blaze one anyway but that's also what I wanted to do with Embers Go Squad was to show you how easily things can happen to people you know all the ghost backstories like somewhere by suicide some are just out of their control and it just happened they were here one day and they were gone the next that can happen to you too can happen to anyone and I wanted to show that it's okay that was one of the biggest messages with Embers Go Squad was just to show that it's okay to be sad it's okay to be depressed it's okay to be rebellious do what you want be who you are and don't give a shit don't give a fuck what anyone says be yourself how many people would do the stuff I did takes a lot of guts you'd think but I just got desensitized to it all you know just do what you like it's easier said than done but over time maybe you can get through that life's real short sometimes it feels like an eternity but life's so damn short really is look at me it's like I blinked and I was 24 and a half what I'm gonna die 24 and a half thank you guys thank you for everything thank you for all the late nights thank you for all the live streams thank you for all your support all your feedback no matter how good or bad it was thank you for changing my life and I hope I've helped make a difference for you no matter how evil I might be hopefully I helped you as well because if I've helped you out then I've accomplished what I set out to do and sadly I'll never know all the lives I've touched all the lives I've changed help change rather I'll never know well this is it I've made YouTube videos for nine years and this is the last one I sit here and I ask myself would I do it all over again if I could I wouldn't want to live those nine years over again honestly it's an eternity in a way I wouldn't do it all over again just I'm just appreciative and thankful for what I have made and who I've gotten to know over the years from it all and nothing lasts forever doesn't matter what it is everything dies eventually unfortunately now it's my time to die I can't even believe I'm saying it so surreal to think about I'm gonna be dead before next week ends I'll be dead legit dead it's unbelievable I've come this far not going back this is it it's okay this will be the last time you'll see me so try to smile as best as I can it's what it is guys I just I don't smile anymore I don't it's time for me to go I'll miss you guys I miss you a lot so many great times I'm always forever thankful for that thank you thank you for everything thank you for steering me in the right direction at times thank you for just always being there for me especially when I needed you most there was always somebody there some people don't even have that some people literally have nobody they can talk to in YouTube was my escape route from it all if there was ever something bugging me I could post about it on social media and I could talk to people about it some things that I couldn't even talk to my parents about you know you've all always been there people have come and gone yes but there's always been people there so thank you so much thank you thanks you some of you maybe I'll see on the other side I don't know spiritually I might have known some of you before I got put here I couldn't tell you but some of you I'll see you soon have full belief in that if you want to end your life end your life do what you feel is best doesn't matter who you heard from at all as long as it's what you want to do and what's gonna make you happy if it's gonna make you free do it you're in control of your life remember that people call it like they can only tell you what to do to a certain extent you're in control you're in charge all right this is Andrew Blaze signing off for the last time I'll see some of you soon enjoy the rest of your lives Andrew out