This is the end of the fuck up. It's pissing me off. Stay fucked still. Fucking potholes, dude. I fucking hate potholes! I can't fucking explain that enough. Express it enough? I can't even fucking talk anymore! Fuck! A million fucking potholes on my fucking road. And look! Big truck coming next to me! What am I gonna go over? Pothole! Fuck you! Goddess. Better fucking go straight and fucking ride your ass the whole way there. Speed the fuck up. Oh goody. Road work again. Awesome. I just wanna go for a nice pleasant drive and I can't even do that. Where to? Oh, okay. Apparently there's no road work. Well thanks for that fucking false flag. Today is the second of June. Friday June, Friday June 2nd I think. I was working on the massacre video for like, I don't know, four hours and I just didn't want to touch it anymore. So I decided to go driving because that's what I do. I'm starting to get frustrated now which is great. It's like a light switch, it just happens. One thing I could talk about is I noticed that I've lost weight which is bad. Because when you look at my body structure, I have nothing to me. See my clothes hang off of me. I'm fucking, I'm normally 134 pounds. The other morning when I got home from work, I weighed myself. It's 127. 127 pounds. That's it. So I lost seven pounds over the last few weeks. Maybe over the entire month for all I know, I couldn't tell you. I just, I don't even want to eat anything anymore which is terrible. Nothing makes my mouth water anymore. Like nothing makes me crave something or the fuck off of the road. Get the fuck off of the road you fucking cunt. Yeah, go fucking die. So sad. I don't crave any food anymore which is really bad because I don't want to eat. You know, I feel like hungry every fucking couple of hours now. Even after I eat something that's like somewhat substantial, I just don't want to eat anymore. I eat at home like once a week. That's it. One meal at home a week. And that's usually just like fucking like something you fucking freeze and heat up. I can't eat raviolis anymore, shepo-er-dee. Can't eat frozen pizzas anymore. I don't really like eating progies anymore. I never eat lunch meat or subs or hoagies or anything of that shit unless it's a cheese steak. Even that makes me feel like shit afterwards. I don't even eat fucking lunch at work anymore really. You know what I eat? I fucking eat like granola bars and chips all day and night. That's it. I wonder why I'm wondering why I lost weight. I don't want to eat anymore. I'm tired of food. I'm just, I'm tired of everything. I don't really like eating mac and cheese anymore. I don't like eating spaghetti or pasta anymore. It just makes me think of gross shit. I don't like eating anything anymore. I happen to wait until 11 o'clock every morning to go out and get something. Fucking sucks. Open the night shift where you have no fucking dinner anymore. I've had every fucking TV dinner you can name at that fucking supermarket over the last two years at that fucking store. Can't eat TV dinners anymore. Can't eat hot pockets anymore. You can't even eat like fucking Campbell's Chunky Super any of that shit anymore. Unless it's regular old fashioned Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup. I'm at the end of the line. My body's shutting down. It doesn't want me to eat anymore. It doesn't want me to even go to sleep anymore. It doesn't want me to get up anymore. It doesn't even want me to fucking move anymore. Just the simplest things like on my non-order nights at the store when I just have to pull the store, level the products down, just pull everything forward on the shelf. That fucking exhausts me. I've had nights where I had to do that the entire night. So it's just me. I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm ready to die. I'm ready to fucking go. Recorded part of the fucking video from my parents and family yesterday. Of course my fucking mom got home before I could even fucking get to the fucking end of everything. It's a two hour long video but who fucking cares. I wasn't done saying what I was gonna say and I get cut short. Oh you gotta help me take ginger to the vet this morning because I gotta go to work. Well when you say go to work I expect you mean the whole fucking day. Not like for like five fucking hours and that's it. The fuck. I can't even just sit and record a fucking video at home anymore. That could have been the last time I was sitting there recording a video for all I fucking know. What made things even better was I couldn't even use my fucking Canon camera for it. Every fucking ten seconds. Stop tathin'. The video was stopped recording automatically. Fucking SD cards. Some shit. I don't know. Did that for my shooting videos too. Well there's no point in fucking getting new SD cards now because they're not gonna go to any use in a couple weeks. Fuck is up with all this goddamn road work today. Where the fuck up? I fucking hate people in trucks dude. So goddamn slow. Vans and trucks. Slow as motherfucking vehicles on the fucking plan. The vehicles aren't slow. The fucking drivers are slow. This guy's going 30. Speed the fuck up. He goes the way I'm going. I'm fucking taking the other way. There's a fork in the road coming up. Better fucking turn. I was talking about the fucking camera stopping recording on me. So I had to use my iPhone. I looked alright. It didn't look like shitty footage or anything. Yeah so that could have been the last time I was sitting there with my camera for all I know. Sucks. How many fucking videos I had to get cut short because someone fucking got home? Fucking hate everybody. Fucking six more nights it'll all be over. Friday night Saturday Sunday Monday Tuesday six more nights. I don't have to deal with this shitty finger anymore either. Tell me how many of you could actually have dealt with this finger for almost three years? How many of you could have dealt with that? You can't flatten your hand at all. You can't raise your finger perfectly straight up anymore. It's stuck like this. How many of you could have dealt with that and got through life? Three surgeries. Permanently stuck like that. Fucking murder my hand therapist. I've done the third one. She just wasn't even helping it anymore at all. Got worse. So yeah for those who are wondering if you see like these fucking scars in my arm it's not that I was a risk cutter. I can clear that fucking theory out of the way right now. I have them on this arm too but you can't see them because they were different. Ways of putting stitches in them but yeah I was never a risk cutter. Those were just from the stitches from the tendons they took out of my arms. First surgery they took the tendon out of this arm. Second one they went and cleaned out the scar tissue in the finger. Third one they took them out of this arm because I had two extra. I didn't have two extra but you know in each arm I had an extra tendon. So they had to take it out of my left arm. So that's what those are. I've never cut my wrist ever. Honestly I can't ever picture me getting to that point ever no matter how depressed I was. Which makes no sense why people do that. I never understood it. It was to let the pain out. That makes total fucking sense doesn't it. Makes no sense at all. Physically it's not that I'm a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutter. I'm not a risk cutterς at all. Physically harm yourself because you're that depressed. What the fuck would you do that to yourself? What are they use Sammy? Fucking cunt. I had to hide the scars on my wrist from everyone and I think someone saw. I don't care who you are. If you cut your wrist you're a fucking loser. Worthless. What would make you want to just cut your wrist open? I would never get to that point in my life. Ever. The only time I ever purposely cut myself was to see if I could. I took a butter knife out of the fucking drawer and I wanted to see if it could cut your skin open. That was back in like 11th grade and it can. It worked. I cut my finger open with it somehow. But yeah. That was the only time I ever purposely cut myself. And I know I have the harmony and character who is a risk cutter and all that but it's dark stuff. I like dark stuff. If you're a fucking risk cutter you're fucking worthless. I never understood. I'm gonna get the fuck over it. What could be so bad in your life that you have to resort to cutting your wrist? Tell me right now. How could your life be so bad that you gotta cut yourself? Tell me. I'm listening. I'm all ears. There's no fucking reason you should have to do that to yourself. Yeah my body doesn't matter. People hate me. My family hates me. I have nowhere to go. I have no future. All gonna fucking reality. I'm gonna cut myself. I cut myself and it hurt and I cried. I'm gonna cut myself and it hurts and I cry. I'm gonna cut myself and it hurts and I cry. I'm gonna cut myself and it hurts and I cry. Why'd you fucking do it? We're fucking retarded. Seriously. I don't know why anyone would find the need to fucking cut themselves. One time I would do it is if I knew I was gonna die right after. Even so I still probably wouldn't do that. I still wouldn't do that. Also it was like the only way I could fucking commit suicide. Fine. If I was out in the fucking wilderness and had no way of getting out of the fucking woods or something and had an army knife on me like a switchblade and had to cut my wrist to kill myself, then I'd do it. There's no fucking purpose for it. Anything, just let your fucking throat. Then you'll feel something. Where are those fucking... I swear. It pisses me off when people try to make me feel sympathy for them for cutting their own wrists. Boo fucking who? Completely desensitized to that shit now. Careless. I'd rather have someone fucking come out to me than hear about them cutting their own fucking wrists. What's happened? Some fucker who watched me for like nine years on my YouTube channel. Fucking came out to me over Facebook. Probably right now I didn't give a fucking shit about you. He asked me why I hated gay people and why I thought like it was wrong to be gay and all this shit and I just overall I just fucking hate gay people. I always have. It's not because I don't understand them. I just hate gay people. I hate everybody, especially gay people. Homosexuals, queer as you name it, I hate them all. And this guy was one of them. He asked me why. I didn't really give him a solid answer but it was like I guess you know what I'm getting at here. I'm like you're gay aren't you? He was like yes. And I lied. I bullshitted it and I just said like oh you know that's just how you are and I respect that and you know it's okay or whatever. I mean I fucking tried tears of fucking joy for saying that shit and then he fucking just didn't shut up about it. I'll have his fucking turn on and like how he realized he was gay and all this shit. It's like I didn't fucking give a shit. I didn't give a fucking shit about it. And for like an hour he fucking talked my ear off through Facebook messages with him. This was like the guy that I skyped with for years. I stopped skyping with him because he's a worthless fucking cocksucker. I only skyped with him to fucking gloat and raise my fucking ego. I treated it like a fucking interview. My videos weren't big enough yet so I'm like okay I can pretend these are like fucking interviews. You know all I ever fucking talked about was myself you asshole. I didn't give a shit about you. I still don't give a shit about you. So I used you. That's what I do. I use people. I use Wubcake. I use Damien. I used you. I use Sammy. I use Haley. I even use James. I use people. I manipulate people. It's what I do. By 2015 I was just done with everybody. I care less. Unless they liked me I didn't give a shit about them. Even if people do like me I don't care about them. Most people. I've only talked with like two people. And the entire last year I've only talked with maybe two people on social media. That's it. Nelly and Rachel. Those are the only two people. And you notice something? They're all girls. Some sexist. I'm not a sexist. I'm not a sexist. I'm not a sexist. I'm not a sexist. I can add Mallory in there too. But that's just because I had to use her for videos. But I didn't mind talking with her. I thought she was cool. So it was nothing against her. She's okay. Laura was cool too. But she fucking pissed me off by taking Firmity and giving me my fucking voiceovers. Still won't have it. I fucking sent the script in March. It's June 2nd. Where's my voiceovers Laura? That I paid for. Where are they? Where are they? I don't care what bullshit you're going through now. I paid you to do a job. You haven't done it yet. Fucking sent me takes the other fucking week and you only did like lines like two times. What's up with that shit? The time before that you gave me like fucking eight takes to work with. You fucking did two or three this time? That's it? The fuck happened? The fuck happened? Waiting to get the inevitable like email now saying no I'm just, I'm not, I don't want to work on this anymore or something like that shit. Feels like it's inevitable. Better fucking have that voiceover by Monday Laura. You're fucking dead. Done with relying on people. And I thought I could still rely on you. Apparently not. Point Baron I scrapped his part in the video. What was that two weeks ago since I sent that script to him saying like what I wanted him to do? Didn't do anything for it. Whatever. And I feel like animating it now anyway. Fucking Damien screwed me with it too. He took like a fucking month to do it. Fucking your lies be so goddamn busy that you can't take the time to record fucking like eight minutes worth of voiceover for me. Okay how fucking busy you say you are. I fucking hate relying on people. Fuck. Okay I don't know you personally I might have just showed up at your house and shot you before I went to the fucking supermarket. I could have. Makes you feel like you don't even fucking matter. Remember that shit when you work with people in the future. As much as I love and respect Damien and Laura and everyone else who's given me voices over the years. Remember that shit. Hisses me off. And this is for a portion that's not even animated. It's the fucking build up tension section before the fucking music video starts. Where all this stuff's multi-tracked and everything. There's no animation in that part. And that's the only part I'm missing for audio. And I don't have it yet. The video's gotta be done by Tuesday. So I need to upload it to fucking media fire. And I have to upload it to YouTube. I have to upload it twice. I need the fucking voiceover. Sunday night's my last night off from work. If I don't have that by fucking Monday morning, you're fucking dead. Oh, you're fucking dead. So I'll just turn around and go back to the way I came. Supermarket's not even a mile away from where I am right now. I swear, dude, I can't get something as simple as a fucking voiceover anymore. I can't get something as simple as a fucking voiceover anymore. I don't even know how much money I fucking paid for to do this. I don't even remember. How do I do a bit like 80 to 100 fucking dollars? I don't know. I was expected to have this fucking months ago. Good fucking lord. It's been an entire week since she said something like, oh, I'll try to get everything else recorded. All right, I'm going to record tonight and have that sent to you. And then I'll try to have everything else done by tomorrow evening because I'm off that night. An entire week's gone by. I haven't heard Jack shit from her. Hasn't posted on Twitter. Nothing. She doesn't tweet in general anyway, but still. Haven't fucking heard anything. I'm not sure if I'm going to get anything. I'm not sure if I'm going to get anything. I'm not sure if I'm going to get anything. What the fuck? At least say what's going on so I know. It makes you feel like you don't fucking matter. I've had it. Long had it. Fucking Raira Raira. What a fucking name is. Voice Celesta for like the first EGS episode last year. I sent her a fucking script to record for the massacre video for like the fucking students and shit. Never recorded it. I didn't even email her back after that saying like, hey, did you get the lines? I fucking was done with her. I gave up. I didn't even bother fucking emailing her back. Fucking wasted my time. What the fuck ever. People are worthless stacks of shit. I'm just gonna show in the fucking video too. The video is not going to be fucking perfect either. Because you ruined my fucking motivation. Not just you, a lot of things did. Still, that factored into it. I just don't give a shit anymore. Things are better within perfections anyway, but this... The animation is not fully finished and everything. Songs just don't work. Songs just gonna have to cut off after the end of the first fucking verse. I was gonna do like the animatic for the rest of the video to show what it was gonna be, but I don't even feel like taking the time of day to do it anymore. Whatever. I'll upload the storyboard to the media fire page, but I'm not even gonna bother doing the animatic for it. What the fuck's the point? No one's ever gonna fucking work on it after this anyways. I know nobody will. No one's gonna try to reanimate it and make it better in top notch and everything. What the fuck would take the time to do that? Nobody. So why should I even bother fucking trying? This video is gonna be like fucking 25 minutes long because most of it's just gonna be a fucking ending portion. I don't know how many people watch it from beginning to end. I guarantee you, not even fucking 10% until they know that I'm fucking dead. Then they'll fucking care. Nobody fucking cares until you're dead. It's the fucking sad truth of life. Watch. Watch. All my social medias. I can't believe he's dead. I'm so sad. I loved his videos. All this shit. You haven't seen Jack's shit on my social media. This shit on my social media since. Posted on my Facebook. The Pioneer's Productions Facebook that has like 150 fucking likes on it. What's something you always wanted to know about me? The only fucking comment I got was what my fucking dick size was. After this happens people will be like, Man, I wish I would have talked with them more. Well, too fucking late. It's always what fucking happened with my fan base. As much as I love my fans, no one said Jack's shit to me until I said something big. Like, oh, I'm leaving. Oh, I'm gonna stop doing this. Or I don't know what the fuck to do. Whenever something major happened, then people would talk to me. If nothing major was happening, it was like I didn't even fucking exist. What the fuck ever. I swear to God. I swear to God. People can say they care about me all they fucking want. You didn't show it. But I would subscribe to you for you. Who cares? You never said anything? I never saw comments on old videos saying, Oh, I miss this or I miss these days. I still love this video. I didn't see Jack's shit over the years. A couple here and there, but virtually nothing. And I know I fucking disappeared from the internet pretty much, but still. People say they care, and I fucking care. It's too fucking late now. That massacre video can get a million views for all I care. If you want the fucking shittiest videos to ever crack a million views on YouTube. Who? You want a medal? No. Anything I fucking hope it taints, send requests fan base from here on out. Every time they play anymore, they hear like fucking gunshot sounds. I don't know. My opinion of the song sounds so much better with the fucking gunshots in there. I wish I could sing like that. I'd say have you heard the isolated tracks? Now you can for a couple more minutes. I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'd say have you heard the isolated tracks? Now you can for a couple songs. We'll hear how much fucking autotune is on it. And no, it's not pitch correction. It's fucking autotune. The My Last Confession vocal tracks have so much fucking autotune on it. It's not even funny. Comeback song, plenty of autotune in there too. Some people need autotune to sound That makes you shitty. You have no talent. I can't even fucking describe how much I hate people who use autotune. Get the fuck off the road. Fucking person on a fucking bicycle. Get the fuck off the road. You notice something? Every time you're on a back road and there's someone on a fucking bike, it's always on a hill, it's on a turn, it's where you can't see oncoming traffic coming at you. Talk about the music industry for like a fucking hour and how fake it all is. Music is the biggest fucking illusion on the fucking planet. It's a production and you know film is like fake too when you think about all this shit. But music is a fucking trick. You know how many fucking instruments are fucking fake? Pop music, all that shit's fake. All the autotune in pop music. It's all one big illusion. You notice live music sounds like total shit? And nowadays how everyone uses pre-recorded backing tracks and fucking backing vocals and shit live all pre-recorded? That's not live. Live music is you, your guitars, your drum kit, your microphones, your amps. That's live music. Not fucking synthesizers with backing tracks and everything pre-recorded with a flip of a fucking switch. It's all fake. Granted there's probably still a few bands out there that don't go overkill with autotune and shit. I can't name them because I don't know much about other fucking like bands that are close to being mainstream. But center quest, they're a local band. They're not that big at all, but they use a shitload of autotune on their vocals. And you almost can't even hear it unless it's isolated. Like I didn't even think they used autotune much. Then when I got the stem tracks I was like holy fucking hell you can't sing at all. That typical autotune, like when it sounds like you're singing with your tongue out of your mouth. That typical pop autotune sound drives me fucking crazy. And I love pop music. I love pop music, but it kills me knowing that it's all fucking like fake. Britney Spears songs, a few Kesha songs, Avril Lavigne, you know, it sucks knowing that it's like fake. Granted Avril doesn't use a shitload of autotune, but... I don't know. Music's just one big fucking illusion. It's entertainment. All these people are like fucking talentless. Virtually every pop star singer can't sing. How many fucking concerts you go to now? Like they can fucking have fucking autotune on the live fucking track now. When they're singing they can autotune it live. Paying all this money to see people and they're not even singing properly. Whatever. I hate the music industry. I hate it. Also because of the fact that I'm jealous of it. I didn't feel like taking the time of day to sit and learn the guitar on this planet. It would have taken too damn long. Just knowing that the music industry is just a big crock of shit. Every modern pop song, it all sounds the same. Firstly, all the biggest fucking mainstream pop hits are like they sound the exact same. You can get autotune a million miles away on those things too. No talent. You make all this money. I hate the music industry. I hate it. I hate it. Back in like late high school and through college I loved getting into music and all that. Then I just started to realize how fucking fake it all is. It's one big illusion. Guarantee you, virtually like 90% of all your favorite songs live sound like shit. It's because technology's gotten so fucking far that studio songs now are so fucking full and thick of fucking sound. You can't even record a single song. You can't even reproduce it live properly anymore. Music videos don't even do like fucking songs justice anymore because like the songs are so overproduced, you can't replicate that on video anymore. Even something as subtle as like the fucking over and out music video I did. You can't duplicate that on video anymore. Without it looking like so overly produced and fake. It's like the 80s and early 90s sound. 90s it started to get more advanced and all that but it was still tolerable for me. And after like 2004 is when everything just got heavy and thick and, I'll be like, what the fuck is this? It's still tolerable for me. And after like 2004 is when everything just got heavy and thick and too much fucking sound. Too full. It's all over produced. And I guarantee you like 90% of these bands don't even know jack shit about mixing or engineering and all that shit. Like fucking Robin Kerms, they shouldn't know like jack shit about making like mixing fucking music. And granted I can, I'm just I guess I'm gifted being able to do a little bit of everything in terms of video production. So it's like saying, oh people who fucking film movies don't know how to edit. That's literally what it's like saying. Music's just an entirely different ballgame. Kisses me off honestly trying to like, when I made my own soundtracks for the Prologue series like for Resurrection, AppSolution and all that, welcome to the squad. Mixing audio is a pain in the fucking ass. You can't just adjust volume levels and mix it all together. It doesn't work like that. So that was one thing that I did struggle with. Oh it sounds better with headphones anyway and then you play through your computer speakers. It's just like holy shit the bass is like in front of everything else. But on your headphones it sounds fine. Pain in the ass. So I stopped recording my own soundtracks so I got sick of dealing with that shit. I got sick of doing everything. It just pisses me off when people say, oh these bands are so fucking good. Pulled all apart, they all suck. It's all one big illusion. I select the vocal tracks for your favorite bands. You'll hear the fucking dies he edits, you'll hear the fucking auto tune all in there and all that shit. I don't know how fake it all is. Modern mainstream bands anyway. There was no auto tune back in the 80s. That's what I miss, the imperfections. A stumbled note or two. That you wouldn't even notice unless you knew it was there. Back when pretty much making a studio album was doing it live in the studio. You still break stuff into different pieces and everything to record things separately but it was live. Now it's like all the bands, they're not even in the same fucking room when they record. You just be like, alright let's just record the guitar today and tomorrow we'll do the drums and this band member's not even gonna be here but let's just do this. I hate music anymore. It just pisses me off when people think people are so damn good. That's like saying, watch this, it's really funny. That's not funny. This band's really good, now they fucking suck. That's always how it is on the internet. Who cares? Enough of that shit. I don't even want to talk about it anymore because it fucking pisses me off. The last thing I'll say is that it's like the biggest question is when you see people performing live. Are they lip syncing? Is it live? Fuck off. Super Bowl Halftime Show, are they lip syncing? Do you think they brought it? You never know anymore. It's all fake. I fucking hate the fact that they don't even see anything wrong with it. Everyone's doing it. Doesn't mean you have to fucking have to. Music, singing, used to be you had the talent to do it. You were unique. Now anyone could fucking sing with Auto-Tune. Fucking unleashed the candy video, I didn't edit that at all. All I did was pitch it. I didn't put Auto-Tune on it. Also I don't have the fucking patience to sit and download all this shit to get Auto-Tune and pay for like a $300 fucking program to get Auto-Tune on that shit. It was just simple double tracking. That's all. No Auto-Tune. No pitch correction. All I did was just pitch it by 15% then pitch it again by 15%. That was it. That's not even pitch correcting. I hate the music industry. I can't even appreciate what I hear anymore when something's brand new. Even if it's like the Equestria Girl soundtrack. It's like, oh well I know there's going to be Auto-Tune in there and all this shit and I know how fake it's going to be. It's just... I hate it all. I hate the music industry. How bands can take like a fucking year to come out with something new. It's then request. Last year all they put out was one song. We're going to put all this time into one song and push it and hope for the best. Because when you have lots of songs they're not going to listen to it. It's the biggest crocus shit I ever heard. You need variety. Don't just make one fucking song. That's like what I did with the fucking EGS subs. I'm just going to put all this time into one video. Which is what I did. And you don't get anything else done. That's way different than music. You can produce a shitload of music by the time it takes you to produce one fucking video. But that was the dumbest thing I ever heard from Andrew Blank when I fucking did the hard drive exchange. It's on this fucking media fire page if you want to listen to it. You know. You have no value. You have a bunch of songs on an album. They're not going to want to listen to it. But if they can associate it with that one song. Then they'll branch out and listen to what else you have. You still need fucking variety to begin with. It's like what do they have? They had like fucking like eight songs? That was it. In the fucking like two years they were around eight songs. And then you just push one. It's going to be a year and fucking tomorrow. I think since any more was released. And what did they do? Last fucking like September. They went back to the studio to record more music. I thought it would have been out by now. No. They're still like writing more and like recording more. It's like how the fuck. How could it take you that long? I guess money is another issue. But still like bands pissed me the fuck off with that shit. Green Day. Revolution Radio. Before that what the hell was there? Nothing. I guarantee it'll be like another fucking year and a half or two before they put out another fucking album. Music is the only thing that keeps you fucking sane in this fucking world anymore. No matter how fake it might be. It takes forever. It pisses me off. And to tell you the truth, any more live is terrible. Because on the fucking song it's all fucking edited. Fucking vocal track. Cut. Next line. Cut. So it like comes like right after you came and like take a breath to say the next fucking line in the verse. That song live is impossible. To do it like the record. It's not even a record anymore. It's fucking digital. But vinyl is making a comeback. Seriously, any more live is terrible. Absolutely awful. From what I've seen on the iPhone videos. But that's what live music is. Compare that to your studio version. Compare anything live with center-quest studio versions. Most of the time it's not that good. There are some times where it's like wow that actually was a pretty solid performance. I can name a comeback recording or two that was actually pretty good but. Most of the time it's like cool lord they suck. It's because everyone's a studio band nowadays. That was gonna be in the curtain call video if anyone ever watched that scrapped abandoned EGS episode curtain call. It's talking about how everyone was a studio band nowadays. For all the footage that I filmed for it that didn't get seen. It's in one of the scripts probably that I uploaded. I don't know if it's certain but. It's the truth. Everyone is a studio band now. That's much that I hate to admit it. If I was a fucking musician I'd probably be doing the exact same thing. Because you have to sound good. Some people just aren't naturally good singers. They need digital technology to sound good. Andrew Blanks is one of them. Long way to go. It's sound like Billy Joe Armstrong Andrew. Long way to go. The chances are you'll never come within sniffing this inside. Enough of music and done talking about it. Everything's coming crashing down around me right now in my life. Everything I once liked. There's something about that will piss me off. Subtle as things. So much as subtle as the fucking weather right now. Wish I could just be dark all the fucking time. That one pissed me off. By dark I mean night not just black. You can't see. You can't see. Just walking, talking, cluster fuck of fucking stress right now. That's all I've been for years but now everything pisses me off. Can't do it anymore. I can't do it anymore. I can't measure what I'd be like in fucking ten more years from now. I probably won't even be able to stand up. I keep saying it's all in my soul contract. This is what has to happen. This is how I'm going to die and all that. But it's like I still swear I was born without something. How people can stay on this earth for decades after decade after decade. How can you do it? I don't even understand. I was born without something. I don't even care to know what it is. Now it's the point I can't talk properly anymore. I've had someone on this speech impediment my whole life but I can't stuttering like fucking crazy. Especially when I try to talk fast. My God. I'm ready to go. I'm so fucking ready to go. Can you hear that? That's how quiet it's going to be in my fucking house for a week. You need your Wednesday. I want to know how everyone's going to fucking take it. I can't even say everyone right now. Good morning. Good morning. I can't talk. I've talked properly for about 24 years. Why can't I talk now? I want to know how everyone's going to take this. How much they're going to cry. How long are they going to cry for? What will my grandparents think? What will my aunt think? What will my uncles think? What will my grandmothers think? What will my grandmothers think? What will my grandmothers think? How's it going to change their lives? How's it going to affect them for the future? What's going to change because of this? Well, my brother eventually ended up taking his own life. I don't know. He's been depressed and he's had anxiety. Terrible. Terribly apparently. Apparently. He was always the one that was outgoing and everything. Yet he had anxiety and just hated fucking dealing with people and shit. And it shocked me. I want to know how hard is this going to affect everybody? I want to know if my brother will even go to my fucking funeral or my viewing. I doubt they'll be an open fucking casket. I don't know if he'll even fucking go. I can't wait for my body to be cremated. Get this filth off of this fucking planet. I noticed a change in my appearance over the last year. Definitely. Like I said, I've lost some weight but I noticed it even in my face. Just looking at the videos, it's like wow, I look different. I look a little older but still I look thinner. Just one long, never ending downward spiral of fucking chaos in my head. Oh, I feel it's trapped. I can't be free. Get out. I wonder how often people will post about me on social media after this. For all I know, this story could just be fucking headlines one day around here and then be gone. And I haven't become anything for all I know. Fucking social media could be deleted after all this for all I know too. Out of my control. Against my will and all that. Seems like Wednesday's never gonna get here. At the same time I feel like it's gonna get here way too fast. Can't win. Can't win. If I weigh too fast, having me run out of time to do everything I want to do. And prepare and all that. You can have all those emails done by Tuesday. The video's gotta be done by Tuesday. Everything's gotta be uploaded to the media fire page by Tuesday. Because Wednesday is just it. I'll get home Wednesday morning and I'll have like six hours to do whatever with. I gotta get the shotguns in the car. Get the ammunition in the car. Get the propane tanks in there when I leave that fucking quarter after ten. Get the gun in the car. Have the videos uploaded by then. Have the fucking media fire link copied. So I can just tweet it. The one beauty about it is it's just one folder that I have to share. I don't need to individually share every fucking folder or every fucking file. It's just one link to one folder. I need to test it to make sure. That would be catastrophic if that link didn't work. And I was talking about before how it's gonna record everything in my pocket when I was shooting everything. And I decided to do it live on Facebook so people can record it themselves. So I was gonna send it. I was gonna try to send it to Rachel afterwards through email. But you can't send a file that big on mobile. It doesn't work. It's gonna be like 300 megabytes or more. So I decided to broadcast it live on Facebook. So we'll see how that works. It's gonna record the whole thing. At the very end, maybe they don't get it on video. I know something's gonna end. The stream's gonna get cut short. It's gonna get reported. Flagged. I know something's gonna end. The stream's gonna get cut short. It's gonna get reported. Flagged. It's gonna get reported. Flagged. Whatever. I'm gonna stop sign. Go. I'm recording for an hour. Yay. Another 4 gigabyte video to upload. Can't wait. Uploading it in lots of ways like this so you get the full quality of it all. It's the only reason. It's the only reason. Personally, I hate fucking quality train. I'm gonna end this because it's gonna be too big to upload and growing out of days here. That's it for now. I'm gonna go ahead and upload it. I'm gonna go ahead and upload it. I'm gonna upload it. I only see a couple more times after this. See you in the next one.