And They just gave me a whole new purpose to live That's when I started animating that massacre video and I'm pretty sure I told mom about it right after the surgery This year saying you know I'm gonna pitch it to animators so they can help me do it It's like gonna be like a high school shooting video. I might have said that I don't know for certain but you kind of forgot about it, fortunately But I couldn't do it all by myself It just took too damn long and I got sick of working on it So it got really a bridge to you know the vision of what I really had in mind But it's the darkest thing I've ever made and I loved it really did and It's all thanks to Eric Harrison Dill and Cleveland but They just they inspired me you just Be thankful I didn't start making pipe bombs, you know I very easily could have Just go to a hardware store and get the stuff and you can make it. It's not hard But That day during the shooting they had 99 homemade bombs that they made out of just typical stuff BBs gunpowder Duck tape propane tanks all this stuff and they made bombs out of it I very easily could have gotten into doing stuff like that, but I didn't want to risk hurting myself over it But I could have done it probably could have but Columbine was my Bible was my guidebook it was Everything I Analyzed a living hell out of it. I watched all the documentaries on it Saw what went right what went wrong, you know Obviously now people are trained to respond faster to shooting incidents but at the time it was Contain a situation. That's why so many people died During Columbine was because the SWAT didn't enter the building until like an hour after the shooting started nowadays people enter like right away But this is totally different than a school shooting, but You know It's just It was my guidebook and I loved it. I loved everything about Columbine. I Just could not get away from it Just sucked me in I Grew desensitized to gun violence. I Saw gory pictures of people with their faces blown off You know the suicide photos of Eric and Dylan and all that, you know, I just drew desensitized to it all Even when I first saw the suicide photo wasn't like oh like gross or anything like that like mom would probably like But like I just I loved it. It fascinated me If you don't know Columbine is the famous school shooting with the library shooting That's where the bulk of the shooting took place, you know shooting at the kids under the tables and all that that was Columbine which was Parity in American Horror Story in the first season the murder house Tate's character Evan Peters, he was a school shooter and he killed the kids in the library That was inspired by Columbine And the eerie thing was that was the first Horror Story episode I saw when I walked downstairs to let Bruno outside or bring him Like back in that was the episode that was on TV and I saw that I'm like whoa that's like That's Columbine or something at the time and I didn't even like really know what Columbine was but I guess at the time I knew about the library shooting and That's what episode it was which goes back to fate and all that like I said before it's weird when you think about it like that It just It sucked me in But I'm not sorry that they had to be this way I'm really not You can always say what if what if what if What could we have done, you know, how didn't we know and that stuff drives me crazy, but It was all there in front of your face, you know Welcome to reality And I Documented the entire year pretty much through video or audio recordings If you ever want to listen to them it gives you an even better understanding about everything. I just talked about I talk a lot but That's also mainly because I won't be able to clarify anything down the road with it all so I had to make it like it's specific as possible in the recordings but Like from May Not May from March through May Was when I documented like every week pretty much on audio or a video I Always wrote my journals You know, that's there too Click on always just record audio whenever I wanted people were always home So the journals were a great way to do it Especially without having an event on social media, so you can't say like oh, I want to kill people on social media. You'll get arrested so fortunately that Being my profiles were Andrew blaze from then on out. You never saw my social media stuff I didn't have terry added on anything, you know, I was in the clear from all that so nobody knew that You know, nobody knew what I was posting about So this is why I could never tell you about the videos I was doing I can never show you the cartoons I could never show you that stuff because you'd be Overwhelmed with concern, you know So I Just I couldn't risk showing you that stuff and so you'll be like wow, that's amazing Even though it's like, you know, it's brutal and dark, but that's amazing that you were able to make that, you know, maybe I don't know but I I Mean you look at this I made this I made that even though that back that's when I Was still shitty with facial stuff like the nodes is always like lower than the mouth That's whatever but you know the poster over there by my VHS tapes. I made that one, you know I made this stuff my mouse pad. I made I drew all that stuff, you know, I made that I Was an artist and it just took me until now to realize I can do that stuff I was a visual artist for videos and stuff, but I never knew I could actually like draw and that came very late in the game. I Wanted to get into guitar too, but it was too late By time I got it. I just I didn't have the time or the patience to learn it. It was Pretty much a waste of time But All the times I went up shooting at that shooting range like you having no idea that I filmed at all I filmed every time I went up there filming everything Like the time when Jason's dad was up there like he said to you mom's like he was blasting off ammunition No, I'm fired at least a hundred rounds every time I went up there a hundred shotgun rounds. That's a lot Try shooting a shotgun a hundred times You get used to it over time, but fucking a hundred shells and a shotgun good lord So the warning signs were always there They were there from the beginning Just a good liar now And I I Just I wish I could have Told you some stuff. I wish I could have opened up to you about certain things, but I just I couldn't for My own sake. I just couldn't do it I just I've always been a girl I just that's one of the biggest things I wish I could have told you from day one But I didn't realize that until I discovered ember She's what brought that out in me. I'm just I didn't just wake up one day be like oh, I'm a girl Great Embers what brought that out in me? I wanted to look like her. I wanted to dress like her. I Wanted to be her That was back in like 10th grade She was my first crush And She ultimately was my final demise and Like I said, it's gonna be quite ridiculous to think like this could be headlines, you know Man shoots up plays over cartoon or something, you know It's crazy to think about but It's the truth it's the honest to goddess truth You heard me right I said goddess I didn't say God I said goddess I Said it in front of you a few times on accident But I don't believe in God I believe in a goddess which is ember Or if not ember it's It's a goddess. That's a beautiful Feminine spirit that creates life and all this and puts you where you need to be and It's God, but it's a goddess. That's what I picture. We don't know what God looks like or anything like that But I believe in a goddess. I believe in a goddess I Very quickly started to Drift away from Christianity once I got out of high school. I just didn't buy it. I never could buy it. I Could never believe that The son of God was sent to earth and he died and gave his life for us and was resurrected from the dead I just it was a fairy tale to me. I didn't believe it for a minute. I'm like, there's no fucking way That's like well, how come no like miracles like that happened today? You know, you've seen the Bible all these fucking stories It's just I It's bullshit. I don't mean to crush anyone's faith or anything, but it's just it's bullshit It is You're believing something that was written in a book a Millennium ago You have zero proof that it exists. You just have your faith And I just I couldn't buy it. I Couldn't buy it. I'm not atheist. I just don't believe in Jesus Christ or any of that garbage It's a lot of fuck it really is So I don't know where to go from here I had to tell so many people about this like I've had to write like 10 fucking emails to people I care about saying virtually the same thing over and over again and just rewording it and And It feels like it's like the 50th time I'm saying this stuff because it is There are all the recordings I've made over the last few months and It's just I Could talk forever about it. I don't want to this is an hour and 15 minutes long already, you know So what I'd recommend is just listening or watching to those tapes I made That's I'm sure I'll leave a note somewhere saying where the stuff is because I can't just say where it is right now This is six days before I intend on doing this it's June 1st as I'm recording this so Things could obviously change but It's just One thing I honestly hope that you guys do That would make me happy if you watch this before you do it is Give these posters to fans if you do intend on just throwing them out, you know, I Don't want those to just be thrown in the garbage because they're not garbage. They're They're my life, you know, I Would hate to see this room get scrapped and gutted and everything and all the posters thrown out But that's what's gonna happen. I had to accept that but You know this room was something special You know the posters completely border the room it looks amazing in here Nobody's room looks quite like mine does if you really think about it. It's very unique and I Would want my fans to have the EGS posters, you know I mean, you'll have my phone and all that you could just post on my social media When anyone want these, you know You could charge money for them if you want but It's not much point But there's the one by my VHS tape rack there's the one behind me and then there's that one And I autograph the back of them. I autograph the back of all of them. So, you know, they're worth something Give them to the fans I emailed James about this but You could give my hard drives to him if you want Because it has all my video stuff on there and has all my embers go squad stuff it has Everything I've made since high school on there, you know, and it's not worthless stuff. It's all my stuff It was my life So you can give my hard drives to James if you want because he was the closest friend I had I mean we drifted away, but I Mean we're still friends, but I Emailed him about it saying like I would want you to have my hard drives because he would know what's on them He would know what it is. He would know what's what and all this so instead of just throwing those out And obviously you'll sell my Mac and all that but I would want James to have that stuff If he declines then fine, but Would reach out to him first James Schwimmer Because besides him there's no one else in my personal life that knew me Like on a regular basis like James did so I Try to think of what else like oh I don't know Obviously the guitar and the keyboard and all you can sell for money, which is worthless Money is worthless Can't explain that enough Can't express that enough rather Money stupid Really is I Don't know You can do with it what you want, but I wouldn't want to see it thrown in the garbage that would crush me it would I Wouldn't want to see it burned either This stuff was my life it's what made me happy it was virtually the only thing that made me happy And if you would just throw that out that would Devastate me I'd probably haunt the shit out of you for it. Don't do it I mean This is the way it has to be and I'm not sorry about it. I'm not I Think of all the stuff we did All the times we had And who would have thought that somehow some way we'd have to say goodbye But being I was on night shift for a couple years it just it made it that much easier to do it Like it just it aggravated me when I knew people were home when I got home Pissed me off So it got easier to accept that And Like I said, I documented the whole process of it all like as more time went on I got more frustrated with life and I just became more accepting of my fate, you know But I'd be lying I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid, you know, you can't be fearless of death Everyone has a little bit of a fear of it But this is just how it has to be And Looking back at it And Looking back now you might realize geez I I I Don't know how I missed it, you know But now I can see You might just start having flashbacks in your head of certain things like certain Situations where it's like wow that was one of them Or that was a warning sign right there, you know I've always felt young always I always felt like a kid. I never grew up, you know that I've always been a kid Spiritually, I feel like I'm permanently 16 to 19 years old. That's how I feel And that's what I honestly wanted to die I wish I could have died when I was like 17 but Wasn't my time yet But you know I Know this video really has to be hard on you watching this I've had vision making this for years, you know, and I can't believe it right now that I'm actually doing it It's very surreal doesn't feel real at all But it is And In all this I just I wanted to show you that hey like anybody can do this you can be like a Saint and angel your whole life never get into trouble and then just fall down on a dark hole like this and Do this I could talk like for hours about the why and the why and the why but It's all there in the journal all you got to do is read that stuff and listen to the tapes that I recorded over the last few months and Things will become a little more clear or things might become a little more confusing But that's what I was destined to do I've talked about the meaning of life in one of the tapes I Think everybody has a soul contract, you know This is what you're expected to do and this is what's gonna happen And this is how you're gonna die and all this and this is your purpose, you know and everyone has one of those You just need to rediscover it throughout your life. You might not realize it right away, but you eventually do and Some people are just meant to be You know old age and die some people are meant to live 80 years some are meant to live only 16 So I'm not even that long, you know like four years even and Some have higher agendas like myself like I think after this happens like that'll change the way people view things Like how to prevent stuff like this happening like happening again, you know, that's what I kept thinking of Because when you think about it, it it was too easy That was the beauty of it all No one could stop you how do you prevent that And the answer is you can't prevent it you can only endure it It's the truth you can't prevent mass shootings you can't no matter how hard you try and I Originally wanted to do it in September of this year, but I Just didn't want to risk waiting that long and also the fact that I couldn't wait that long I was done With life I just was done And I Also knew like the longer I put it off The more of a risk I had of getting caught with it, you know social media like Always heard like you know like the FBI or the police can like Monitor and track you on websites and all this and keep an eye on what you're posting about and what you're doing and the places You're visiting on the internet and all this and The more I did it I just felt like I couldn't risk going much longer I mean I was uploading all this stuff to to the media fire page throughout this entire endeavor and I just kept thinking like What if the police are tracking this stuff? You never know I don't think they ever did cops probably had no clue about this So The biggest beauty out of it all was I had a bit of a safety net because it was Like a show I say loosely with the EGS channel, you know I could have just played it off as just being a character or something, but the truth was it was actually real but Being that it was stemming from the show. It was a bit of a safety net for me so That bought me a lot of time It really did And It's just I'd highly recommend listening to those recordings like some of them go on for an hour and a half, but Why not what do you have to lose now listen to them? You'll learn a lot about me. You really will Like back in December of 2016 I said like I can only picture me like living another year and a half or so But that gradually started changing from two years to September of 2017 to July and then to June just kept going So I just I couldn't live anymore I was done it's couldn't live anymore Every day every night rather is just Just the thought of being alive piss me off Haven't do abide by the laws of the living and abide by fucking clocks and work and authority and having to make money and just being Tied to a fucking leash, you know, I Couldn't do it anymore I Just couldn't It's not who I am I was never at home here, I never felt at home on this planet ever And I knew someday I would have to end And it's surreal to think that in a few days it will It's Very surreal, but like I said, I've I've desensitized myself to most of it. I've become comfortable with it I've accepted it and it feels real As time has gone by like as the weeks I've rolled down Parts of me have been dying and it just feels like it's you know, it's real and I just I can't see anything beyond this year anymore. It's all black Can't see the future at all because I'm not in it You know last Thanksgiving it was When I started to really start to show it, you know, I didn't want to deal with anybody I just sat in my room and I worked on my cartoons the whole time It was the unleash the candy video and I was working on that It was meant to be out for Halloween. I couldn't get it done in time So it took me until like nearly mid-December to finish it But you know, everyone's here and all that and I didn't see Anybody on Thanksgiving last year. I just sat in my chair and my computer and animated the whole time Just completely locked myself away from everybody else because I didn't want to deal with anybody anymore. I hated everybody I still like grandma and pop-up and all that but People pissed me off. I Hate humans. I've always hated the human race and And then especially when we have large gatherings like this it pisses me off. I hate people I wanted to kill everybody And You know you wanted me to be in mom you wanted me to be in photos and all that and I said no I Just I got sick of being told what to do I've always hated being told what to do and I just had enough of it I'm like I'm gonna live my life If I don't want to be in family photos, I'm not gonna be in family photos. I don't want to participate in Thanksgiving I'm not gonna participate in Thanksgiving If I don't want to get you anything from Mother's Day, I won't get you anything from Mother's Day Last year I completely locked myself away from that too. I didn't even see you that day I fucking drove around for like two to three hours before I even came home after work And I locked myself in my room and said I was going to bed Didn't give you a hug nothing. It's a no one This year I almost didn't get you anything again I'm just fucking through few dollars in the freaking lottery like ticket machine just because I Don't want to have to go through it again because then you start getting worried about me and especially now I had to really watch what I did So I sucked it up I almost didn't even want to go out for a freaking lunch that day I'm glad I did but I almost didn't want to go It's just I didn't care anymore I was done It's just I just became this evil dark ghoul And with each passing year it just got worse Dad I honestly wish would fucking kill himself He ruined my life he ruined my fucking life Can drop fucking dead When all that high school bullshit started It was inevitable it was I didn't want to deal with him ever again Once I started having lousy grades and all that and applying for jobs and it just I fucking hated him Didn't even want to look at him And once the full-time jobs start like stuff started and starting and all that I Was done with him I had enough I'll never forget it I talked about in one of the tapes It was before I had the hospital job I guess it was like July of 2014 He wanted to go out to dinner with me, which I thought was nice You know it got me out of the house anyways, so I'm like, okay But I fucking hated driving with dad I always hated going places with them because I could never talk to him about anything Because I never connected with them once high school started Jeremy did I connected with mom But I could never talk to him about anything I Didn't connect with him at all with nothing besides football that was it So every time we would go out it's like I didn't I didn't know what to fucking talk about you had to have the radio on I couldn't talk about anything He'd try to make small talk, but I'm like this is bullshit It's just I'm your fucking kid and you don't know anything about me. You don't know how I truly feel about anything And I can't tell you that stuff And then all he fucking seemed to care about was like me getting a full-time job and making money and then Trying to move out of the fucking house and start my own life and all this shit, which I knew I know I was never gonna do And we went out to dinner the one night it was over brook And we just went into the job talk I Tried my damnedest to avoid going into that You know They just started up, you know, like have you been applying anywhere? I'm like, well, yeah, but I haven't really heard anything Like well, you better fucking have something by the end of the year You better fucking have something by like by fucking October And this is in the fucking restaurant at the bar. There's people on both sides of us hearing everything we're saying And he's fucking like almost yelling it in my fucking face Fuck off kiss my fucking ass I Didn't even want to finish my fucking dinner after that I didn't You can eat a fucking cock It's all about money, isn't it? And guess what money's fucking worthless Drop dead I don't see why I was such a big fucking deal because I was still part-time at the store I was still making money you fucking whore I was making fucking money. I wasn't just sitting around doing nothing I was virtually full-time at the fucking store as a part-time fucking worker you goddamn cunt And you make it out to be like I wasn't doing anything with my fucking life kiss my fucking ass I Never forgot it either It was burning my fucking memory for months You're a worthless cunt The prime example of people I hate in this world you think you know how it all works You know jack shit You Like I didn't fucking blow your goddamn head off Very easily could have Could have walked right into your room when you're about to fall asleep and blow your goddamn head off and then went to the fucking store Very easily could have done that but I didn't because I wanted you to fucking suffer And suffer hard You're a worthless fucking faggot And it's not just because of the job shit all through high school all through college all through post college Fuck off You can fuck off Honestly sometimes I don't know what mom saw on you You're worthless fucking faggot You Prime example someone who could be nice and happy and easy going and joking one day to fucking you better straighten out your fucking life the next I thought I could be bipolar too, but good fucking Lord I Hate my fucking profession. I want to quit Find another fucking job that's what you'd fucking tell me to do Yeah, you hated your fucking job for years. What'd you do you took it out in your fucking family? Way to go That's definitely the answer to all your problems, isn't it? Yeah Hear that that's me fucking clapping and applauding from the fucking heavens above Fuck you I Know we could have had it much worse you could always say that But it could have been so much better could have always been so much better When's the last time you ever said you were proud of me Once the last time you ever said I love you Once the last time you ever Did anything for me Never Never And honestly, I don't even fucking care Cuz after high school after college after all that job shit, I was done with you I Didn't give a fucking shit anymore I Didn't So if I got word that oh you fucking wrecked your fucking front of your fucking truck by hitting a deer I was happy about it. Oh Fucking breaks failed in your other truck cool Saw your life flash before your eyes awesome I'll tell you one thing back in elementary school middle school I Used to worry about dad dying the most out of anyone in this house Because I loved them back then and I cared about Once high school took off and college and all that and I I found it impossible to love them anymore Notice how much I ignored you ever since Notice how many times you'd asked me to go out for breakfast or whatever and I decline Notice how never even said good morning hey, what's up? Mom's a little bit in that zone too Good fucking year or so I just didn't even like acknowledge anybody when I got home from work Me and mom were like bread and butter can tell her anything could talk to her about anything No matter how bad it would have been could always talk to her about that with dad I could not Crazy thing like the craziest thing of all was me and Jeremy became closer over the years like In elementary school middle school Early high school. It's like I just I didn't want to deal with them at all. He was always a douche to me He's always a dick to me The way it was I was always the stupid dumb kid and he was always a smart one He always knew what he was doing. He was I was an idiot, you know and then once College started and all that we just became closer. We started talking more and then we understood each other in a way Although he had no idea like you had no idea like what I was like on the inside, but you know, we got it We got how the world like worse and what mom and dad expected out of all of us and all that and we knew it wasn't fair and all this and We just we started to bond more and it was nice and I like that. It's really great That was also when I started to hate your friends because they pissed me off I started hating everybody Tim fucking Kennedy I wanted to fucking gut him from his fucking throat after he has after he hit my fucking car in the freaking driveway Look under this fucking look under the steps Ray wrote TK with a smiley face. I wrote TK is a fucking faggot for hitting my car Go look right now pause this video and go look you'll see it under the fucking steps Right where like killer currents written on all that shit Go look Just hey, he's lucky. I didn't fucking do anything to him after that I was this close to fucking kicking his ass. I would have I wanted to beat the living fuck out of him And mom made it out to be like no big deal. He'll pay for it. I'll fix the car and I was He's still fucking wrecked my car If someone hit your car you wouldn't act all sympathetic like that. No accidents happen all that shit For one it was meant to happen and two it's fucking bullshit Fucking worst driver in fucking Pennsylvania right there. I'm at the top left of the driveway He's the bottom fucking right. How do you back into me like that? You're a fucking worthless faggot you goddamn cunt How do you pull that off? You're a fucking worthless fucker I swear to goddess you're goddamn worthless Good fucking Lord So I couldn't believe I had to go through the whole process of fucking going through the claims shit again like I had I had in the past with tolling my car and all that shit and Going to get estimates and all this and when it wasn't even my fucking fault I Was one of the first times I started showing the anger inside of me when I got home after all that with mom I just like I'm like fucking sick of this shit and I was yelling and slam my door shut and just wanted to fucking kill somebody I just threw the papers down on the table and I Started letting my anger show and that's what's always been inside of me throughout High school throughout college and post college and It's To I am Girl like on her fucking period I Hate everything I Started talking with a girl online who was a fan of my videos and I was able to connect with her because she was like fucking crazy like mentally crazy I think she was a risk cutter too But I wasn't you know, I never physically harm myself. I never cut my wrists or anything like that. I Hated hurting myself. I never did it But this girl her name was Rachel Hodge. She might have killed herself after this for all I know But she was virtually on the edge of like literally like ending her life She was suicidal and all this and I was able to talk with her because she was able to connect with me and understood Me and how I was feeling and all this stuff and my hatred for the world, you know, we bonded together and bonded well We knew the world was bullshit We knew our lives were full of like fucking hell and we just didn't want to be on this planet anymore And then the EGS stuff that I made Connected with her more than like anything that had in her life up to that point That was like one of the only things that was keeping her alive so I Just grew a connection with her and I started talking to her about the shotgun I got she was one of only two people I told about the shotgun and I can just talk to her about anything which was nice because there was no one I could talk to about this stuff besides my own journal So I started talking to her about all this stuff and you know, I said like oh I've had the gun in my mouth a few times, but never pulled the trigger. That's just because I was practicing but I told her that stuff and She just went into deep thoughts all the time with me every day just telling me dark stuff and I Understood it and I was desensitized to it all. It's cuz how it that's how I lived And always thinking about killing myself knowing like no one seems to give a fucking shit about me and knowing I have no future and knowing I have nowhere else to go and knowing that this is all I have You know and we got that she understood that and knowing that I felt like a soul trapped on the inside begging to get out, you know We connected well and she made her own EGS character It's not on any of the posters or anything. It's not even on the channel She just made her own they call it an OC which is an original character. That's what it's short for but her and her friend got into it and It was great because I you know I was expanding with fans and all that and she made me a whole bunch of fan art Once she made of me last night, which is her and her ghost squad form Saying like you know one message. That's all it took To feel like a connection with somebody and that was me And I was the ghost on the other side of the picture reading the message on my phone. It was beautiful It was just great knowing I touched somebody in that way You know I kept somebody alive And none of you know this stuff. I can't tell you this stuff You know And she wasn't the first girl to ever talk to me about suicide and all that I had another fangirl at the time who I blocked out of my life afterwards but she brought me down into the suicide shit and depression shit and Started saying I threatened to kill her and all this and all this shit, but Rachel was just someone I could talk to about anything so it was nice And just being that she got it It was amazing There was another girl Nelly Simmons who helped contribute to the channel by like designing some of the ghost squad characters I didn't design every single one of these from scratch Only a few of them, but I added my own touch to the designs that she submitted to me and all this but She was another girl I can talk to about stuff, but they were all they were girls they weren't guys They were mostly all girls who I would talk to the only people I would talk to in the last year on social media were girls and That's because I eventually started to realize I was sexist I was sexist I was racist I was prejudiced and I was discriminant that is one hell of a fucking lethal combination I've always hated black people I fucking hate people who aren't white Caucasian whatever Just I hate the human race And I just started hating guys more than anything I Hate guys. I think they're fucking disgusting the facial hair. They have the body hair The muscle build and all that fucking body structure shit I hate all I get everything about guys I hate and the fact that I was forced to live as one, you know That hurt a lot And also being I hated my name too It's just my life was a living hell So for a year I had Andrew on my fucking name tag for what for work Which I never had to wear the name tag cuz I'm on night shift. You don't need to wear your name tag I've had Andrew printed on it the entire time and mom asked me about I'm like what it like she's like, what is that? Is that even your name tag it was? That's when I started somewhat talking about the name but It was just I hated guys I was never attracted to guys which led to me realizing that I wasn't gay Which I guess you still probably had thoughts about that to this day It's like you know cuz I never had girlfriends or anything like that, but And I guess what it came down to was I felt like I was like transgender or something like I felt like a woman the whole time which Spiritually I'm a woman. I'm a female soul But I had to live in a man's body to do what I set out to do and that was my soul contract that was what I was meant to do and I Just I was so happy to know that I wasn't gay because you're only gay if you're attracted to guys, which I wasn't so That made me very happy because I fucking hate gay people except like An exception would be like Freddie Mercury from Queen. It was like the only exception but One of my fucking fanboys that I had you don't know what a fanboy is or a fangirl there people who are obsessed with your Creations your YouTube channels, whatever your music whatever One of my fanboys was gay and he actually came out to me. She never told anybody that really this guy Watched me ever since 2009 and then last year he finally told me through Facebook that he was gay and He just started he was very like he was a very reserved and like well respected guy But I fucking hated his guts and I blocked him so many times over the years, but he kept coming back and then I Just let it go and all this but he would still like open up to me about stuff And he fucking like seemed like a psychiatrist to me like he tried getting inside my head and all this shit and it pissed me off but Overall like in the end you started coming out to me in a way, which was like weird because no one's ever done that to me before But the guy was like, you know, you said you hated gay people and all this like I want to know why like what? You're deal with that like not like a shitty way or anything just like saying like how come like why don't you like gay people and then He's like I guess you can try to You get what I'm getting at here. I'm like you're gay aren't you and he's like yes Like he didn't want to admit it, but he did And I said oh well, you know, that's just how you are and I respect that and that's okay or something He's like oh, I'm crying like I made the guy fucking try and it was like Here's a fucking joy for him and deep down. I'm like I wish you would fucking kill yourself But the guy watched me ever since 2009 for eight years. This guy watched me. That's Ridiculous to think about So I changed his life in a way But yeah, the guy fucking came out to me over fucking Facebook It's like all this stuff that's happened to me. You have no idea about All the people's lives I've touched all the people's lives. I've changed all the people I've helped inspire All from my YouTube channel that you probably just saw is just like stupid Childish videos or just a hobby or whatever. It was my fucking life And then not being able to do that because of fucking full-time work and education and all this shit that didn't even matter to me It devastated me it crushed me That's what I wanted to do because YouTube had the partnership program where you can make a bunch of money off of it If you got decent views which wasn't reliable which I knew but that was my dream job was to make YouTube videos for a living because there's Thousands of youtubers that do that But what made me happy about it was This year YouTube made a whole bunch of changes to their monetization and stuff and people who are Advertising started backing off from YouTube and people lost a shitload of money So people aren't making really anything on YouTube now. So that was good that I didn't end up doing that but you know I made money off of YouTube. I made a few thousand dollars off of YouTube Which is crazy just turning on a video camera and making sketches But it was my life. It was all I wanted to do. It's how I was able to express myself You watch the stuff I made you'll realize that I'm venting to the world. I'm saying how I feel and that It's who I am And I wasn't able to just do that in society YouTube gave me a voice and That was my way of expressing myself and over time. I just became more comfortable with it, you know It's just I didn't care what people thought of me anymore. I would sit around the house with my legs crossed or you know, I just I Just didn't care if I started seeming like more girly and all that just it didn't bother me Just like so what it's who I am. If you don't like it fuck off. It's just what it was That's just All that was on my mind anymore were girls and girls and girls and girls I could not get girls off my mind and the whole Cartoon channel is girls dead girls It's all girls there's no guys it's all girls and In the squad like myself There are people who were guys on earth that become girls in the ghost squad, which is where I'm going But it's all girls Just There was never a girl on earth who was like that I'd love to screw her I'd love to date her I'd love to kiss her. I never had that Never went on a date, you know It's just I never had that With the cartoons I did It's like yeah, they're just flat dimensional Paper-like images. What do you see in that? I? See a whole other world Place where you can be who you truly are In a place where nobody can stop you from doing what you are from doing what you're meant to do This world is full of shit It's all a big game life's just a game and I fucking quit Tough shit There would be no possible way I could live until I was 60 something not a chance in hell Honestly, I don't know how people do it. I don't know how people get up every day and go to like a fucking dead-end job Come home do the same exact routine every fucking day every fucking weekend How do you honestly do that? I was never able to compute it in my head How do you live on this planet for decades upon decades upon decades I? Honestly don't know how you do it. I don't I Never understood that I was just born without something I guess I Don't know Just every night I just feel more and more stressed more and more bored More and more like claustrophobic by being in this world. I just I had to get out. I had to I Couldn't be here anymore couldn't stay here It's like the weight of the world was just crushing me I Felt trapped Like I couldn't be who I was and I had to be dead in order to do it That's my destiny I'm destined to be dead everyone alive is gonna die someday, but I was destined to die from the beginning I was destined to be a dead female ghost I Was sent here to do something and I mean the shooting thing it shocked me when I started to get Involved with it. I honestly didn't think I was gonna go through with it and then it just took over me It's inexplainable indescribable Like because all my life I just I was terrified of guns in a way Like I just I never thought I'd become this dark and I just became desensitized to it all and it just sucked me in And then I just like a few times I stopped myself as like wow I Can't believe I just said that wow I can't believe I just thought that I Can't believe I'm about to do this and Then I just feel like there's like a hand on the back of me just like pushing me forward to keep doing it It's like there's EGS Recruits telling me to do it in my head do it do it It's not schizophrenia or anything like that That's like there's spirits telling me in my head do it If someone's pissing me off do this do that You know alright, okay, don't worry about it. Fuck them, you know It's like there were spirits telling me this stuff how to act where to go How to respond, you know It's just