You know, you see it done so often in movies. People documenting their will on tape and saying things like, if you're watching this, I'm dead. I'm sorry. And, honestly, I've envisioned this day coming for as long as 10 years. And I never thought it would come, but here it is. So I wanted to record this for you, Mom, Jeremy, Dad, and really just anyone else in the family that would want to watch it and help maybe help you better understand why I did what I did and how you didn't see it coming and all that. Really just to talk to you one last time, because obviously now I won't be able to. So I'm recording this with my iPhone. I'm recording this with my iPhone. I tried my Canon camera, but the SD card was being a bitch. Kept stopping recording every fucking like two minutes and I got fed up with it. So unfortunately it's going to be an iPhone quality video. So sorry about that. But anyways, I can guarantee you that none of you saw this coming. None of you would ever remotely expect me to do something like this. And I guarantee you can't believe that I could do something like this. You know. So I know you could be thinking like you could have gotten help. You could have seen a psychiatrist. You could have gotten help. But the truth is that wouldn't be me. Me being on medication, sitting in therapy. No. That alters who you are. It's not me. Never would be. And I couldn't do that. And also I knew it wouldn't cure me. It wouldn't help me. So one of the big things you'll notice is I was obviously a good liar in the last few years of my life. Because growing up you know full well that I was a terrible liar. If I knew a secret and tried to lie about it or tried to lie to get myself out of a situation you pretty much always knew that I was lying. It showed. But I'd say as far back as 2013 I got better at it because I knew that my life was on the line. I didn't want to fuck up. I didn't want to get sent to therapy or a mental ward or anything like that. I made it count. If people felt concerned about me I just said you know I'm a little, you know I'm down. I can get depressed at times but you know I'm okay. You don't need to worry about me or anything like that. But I doubt any of you knew how depressed I was. And probably now if you just sit there and look back and think about it you'll probably be like I don't know how I didn't see it. Because now I do. You know I don't know for certain. But I guess I should tell you when this started. Because all throughout my life I was never big on living. I hated life. I almost always did. I hated meeting people. You know that full well. I just hated going through everyday life. I always did. And I just always wanted to get away from it all. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to go to college. I didn't want to go to work. It just, it wasn't me. It was never for me. But in this day and age you know you need a degree. You need all that to get a fucking career and all that shit. I knew full well that in a few years I'd be dead. You know there was no point. But the depression started back up. As I said I hated my life. My whole life pretty much. I hated being alive. Elementary school, middle school things were okay. I thought about death occasionally. I would picture in my head like what is the afterlife like. What do you do for eternity. I wonder how old I'll live to be or all this. The one thing that always struck me was I could never see my future. Ever. Like you know when you're growing up you have ambition and being like oh I can do this the rest of my life. I want to be this and all that which I had. But I was never able to see myself getting married. I was never able to see myself having kids. I was never able to see myself past my 20s. Ever. And it was one of those things where it's like wow I might not live very long. And it's like I knew I wasn't going to live very long. This one other girl who died Rachel Scott if you've ever heard of her name. Dad most likely knows from Columbine. She was one of the Columbine shooting victims. Which I'll talk about Columbine a little bit later on. But they made a movie I'm not ashamed. It was a cheesy movie. It was all just hyping up fucking Christianity and all that garbage. But I bought it and I watched it and I thought it was okay. Minus the Jesus shit and all that. But it was still cool to watch. She had the similar experience of being like I can never see my future. And I feel like I'm going to die young and that's just how it's meant to be and all that. That's how I felt like my whole life. And I still got through middle school and elementary school and all that. But once I got into high school it just became endurance. That's what it felt like to me. I just did not want to get up and go to that school every day. And I just I wasn't living. I feel like I never lived. And I didn't want to either. That was the other thing. And it wasn't just because I was afraid to do certain things. It was just I didn't want to live. And high school I was that typical jaded teenager. You know just don't want to be here. Don't want to do anything. I'm bored with my life. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. You know the typical teenage drama shit you deal with and growing up and all that. And I thought about suicide in high school. That's when it really started entering my mind like a lot. And I just like started to grow like attached to like darker stuff which it really took off later down the road. But in like early high school it just wasn't really there too much. But the thing that really started to push it was like when I started doing bad on all my tests and got bad grades and had to get tutored and started to prepare for college and having no idea what I wanted to do. And I just I wanted to go to grandma and pop-ups house and get one of their handguns and shoot myself or completely douse myself a gasoline and let a match and hopefully it would kill me you know. And it was in 2010 when I really legit started to think about doing it because I didn't want to go to college. I didn't want to get a job. I didn't want to live on anymore. I just didn't want to do it. And this is when the whole Ember thing started which you may or may not know what I'm talking about yet. But if you watch my cartoons I'm going to have to talk about a lot in this recording by the way because there's so much for me to cram into this thing that's like impossible. But I've told you about her before. Like if you look on the poster behind me those were inspired by Ember McLean which is a ghost from a TV show called Danny Phantom which started back in 2003-2004. You know I was in late elementary school at that time. But this ghost this woman always connected with me ever since I first saw her sorry I'm looking at the wrong camera I have my phone on top of my camera keep forgetting I got a look here. But ever since I first saw her something changed and it wasn't like I grew up or anything like that. Oh my gosh I'm attracted to girls and all this. No. It just something changed. It was like a spark and it just connected with me made me feel warm inside and it felt very familiar which was strange. It was like I'd seen her before but at the time it was a brand new show and nothing had ever been done like that before with that type of character like you never saw that character anywhere else except that show. And it's just something changed. And at the time I was like 13 when I first started watching that show and I just grew attached to her unlike anything I ever have in my life. It was like my first crush and it's a cartoon you know it's kind of crazy to think of it that way but that's the truth. And whenever I like started feeling down and depressed I thought of this character like in later high schools when she started coming back into my life. Like you know I watched Danny Phantom in middle school late middle school early high school but then I kind of drifted away from it and once 12th grade rolled around is when I started to get depressed and venture off into this darker area and this girl was just there all the time when I got into that darker place and the character's back story was she died in a house fire and she made this song called Remember and it's a song that basically sums up her death and I couldn't stop playing it. It like hypnotized me and that's the irony of it all is this ghost hypnotizes you with her music and it just it changed me. I can't even explain it. It was just it hooked me. Killed me in and she was always there when I got into this dark depressing place and I just connected with her unlike anything I ever have in my life. And that's when I started thinking about killing myself by burning myself which I knew it wasn't going to kill me. Like it just it was too risky to do and I just I just had that thought in the back of my head for years like I know I'm going to kill myself one day but when is it going to be how many more years am I going to be alive you know and I thought honestly by 2015 I'd be dead. I didn't think I'd be alive much longer than that but anyways so I got through 12th grade and then I kind of drifted away from this character like she was a distant memory at the time when I started going into college. It just she disappeared for a while and I guess the ultimate root of all this goes back to I'd say at the very earliest 2012 because that's when Tom Lynch died. Jeremy knows full well what was like during that period but I didn't know Tom Lynch well at all but I knew him he was in a class of mine and I was going to work with him at McDonald's when I applied there and I talked with him a few times you know like during our activity period at high school like during flex hour or whatever you know I talked with him a couple times and he was a great guy great kid and when I found out that he got killed in a car accident on the way to work or on the way to school rather that when mom texted me that saying that Tom got killed on his way to school I can't even explain what that felt like something just broke inside of me and I didn't even know the kid well at all yet something just fucked me up and I'll never forget it I was in my college math class it was college algebra and the class ended it was like quarter after two and I saw the text when I got to my car in the parking lot and then I just froze like something just broke I don't even know like I just blew a fuse in my head and from that point on I was just fascinated by death and that's just where it started like I was always like interested in like learning about the afterlife and what could happen and all this but that I wasn't like a dark kid at that time I was still like I was kooky I was doing my own thing with my YouTube videos and you know I just came and went to college but you know I wasn't miserable I wasn't upset I wasn't depressed I was just like oh you know I just gotta get through this year and I'm gonna take my major classes in college and everything's gonna be all hunky dory and things are gonna be fun and awesome and it'll lead to new bigger and better things and all this and then once that happened something just went in my head and I just remember that was one of like the weirdest drives home in my life it seemed like it took an eternity and I don't know it's just just because I guess it hit like so close to home like no one I'd never dealt with anyone who was you know a year younger than me dying you know and everyone deals with it in their own way but I just couldn't get it off my mind after that and I started over analyzing a living hell out of it and I had Tom Lynch on my Facebook at the time too so you know I started seeing all the stuff that got posted around the Dallas community on Facebook and I couldn't get away from it all and I just kept getting sucked into it all and I just wanted to know everything about it I wanted to know what killed him I wanted to know how fast he was going I wanted to know if he died at the scene or at the hospital I wanted to know everything was he cremated was he buried and I just one thing kept leading to another and to another and to another but I just kept that all to myself I didn't ask anybody this stuff I didn't want to go like to that extreme of asking details like that because that's not right you know but I had like you know 300 people from Dallas added on my Facebook at the time so it was all over the place you couldn't avoid it and it just fucked me up for a good while I thought about and throw up pretty much the entire year and I just kept going into this dark place and I liked it I wasn't afraid of it I liked it I enjoyed it it felt natural to me but as the year went on I sort of kind of dug myself out of the little hole that I dug you know I got back on track sure my grades plummeted at the time but I still managed to pass everything somehow but you know it's just it's what it was and it messed me up for a good while but you know the year went on and I met another kid in college Matthew Murray which he was cool it was the fall semester of 2012 and you know he was in my video production class and I got to work with him on a few projects you know he was in my group and whatnot and I kind of grew a connection with him at the time it was me and this other girl and him it was me Matt and Ashlyn Elmore and we're like this little group you know we didn't like do shit together or anything but you know we talked in class and all that it was like our little group and the semester went on and you know I got to know them a little bit more told them I did YouTube stuff and they started watching my videos which was cool and I thought they were cool and started posting some of them on their social media you know and like pictures from my videos and stuff so it was cool it was like cool I'm like I'm growing a little bit you know I'm expanding my YouTube fan base it's cool and at the end of the end of the semester I got word that he died in a car crash and I didn't know at the time it was him which was terrible it happened in December it was like a week and a half after the holiday break started and you know I showed you where it was mom I showed you's like a mile and a half from the store you know and people at the store were talking about the death of the kid that went to Tunkanic High School and I didn't even know that that was him so throughout like throughout the entire month off that I had I had no idea he was dead I didn't have it on Facebook or anything so I didn't see anything on it so what happens is the third day into the spring semester I had the instructor that I had for the studio production class for my uh my script writing class and she pulled me into the hallway before class started it was like a 9 a.m. class and it went something like this like so how you doing you you heard about Matt right I'm like no what happened just clueless like having no idea like didn't think anything really serious happened like maybe he broke a bone or something or I don't know and she's like oh uh well like really like concerned over winter break he got a car accident and all that and she talked to me for like a few minutes and I'm just like yeah I had like I had no idea and she's like yeah I was on the news and all this and uh that was that was it that was the moment that everything changed and I was never the same since literally something just short circuited in my head something completely broke something shut down and it just completely fucked me up it was from that day forward it was like I don't know I want to say like January 17th or something 2013 and from that point on that year bad shit started to happen and I was always skeptical about the number 13 I've always hated 13 I always felt it was unlucky I never liked the number 13 what happens it's the most unlucky year of my fucking life you know that happened I got word that Matt died um pop pop pop died and that was one thing but that was just kind of like it was expected to happen you know the yard caved in on the well pump in the yard and all that and flooded the basement and all that that week and a half after pop pop pop died totaled my car 10 days after I totaled my car Jeremy totaled his car and then when I had your Jeep at the time I almost wrecked that in the snow almost hit a tree and I look one thing just kept leading to another to another to another to another to another at the end of the year my mac fried my hard drive failed my graphics card fried $700 to fucking repair that one thing just one after another after another after another after another after another after another after another you know some of it was just stupid shit you know life shit that happens but it was like literally the worst year of my life and that's just when I just I I I just lost control of everything like my mind started to get completely just dark as fuck I just I can't even describe it it's just it was the worst year ever and that's when I just didn't want to be at the supermarket anymore I didn't want to work anymore and I want to get up in the morning anymore I didn't want to do anything I didn't care about anything at the time and I just I wanted to just do YouTube videos and that's what I wanted to do at the yet that was the only thing that made me happy and I just I didn't want to do anything anymore and that's when ember came back into my life it was in 2013 around late March early April that's when she came back into my life I looked up the episode again on YouTube and looked up the song again and then that was just that was it from that point forward she never left my life again ever I played the song pretty much every single day of my life and just fell down a hole of deep dark depression and despair and nothingness into an abyss of just fucking darkness I can't even explain it and every day it just got that little bit darker from that point forward until the day I died until the night I died it just got darker and I liked it that was probably the scariest part for everybody else was I liked it I liked this dark place it wasn't scary to me it felt natural to me it was it was home for me recording my audio separately it's on the microphone down here but this is just when things started to change with me in 2013 it's when I started um I guess you could say cross dressing which is something you never knew I did I was cross dressing ever since high school and what would happen would be when you guys would go to your bowling leagues and Jeremy would go with you which was every Wednesday I would either film a YouTube video you know back in early high school you know 9th 10th 11th grade I would pretty much always film a YouTube video between 9th and 10th grade on every Wednesday when you would go out the door so I would either film a video or I would cross dress and that's something I kept to myself my whole life I never told anybody about this and it's something that probably shocks you but at the same time it's like well yeah you never had a girlfriend or anything like that so I guess it's expected but um the more I wore girl clothes the more I felt like that was who I was like I felt like I was a girl and I found out that I was I was never meant to be a guy I was just a female soul trapped in a man's body my whole life and I couldn't tell you guys that because then that would lead to never ending jokes and you know you can't live your life like that it's like how do you live and I wanted to get sex change operations and everything I really honestly did but I knew it wasn't smart to do because it ruins your whole life if it's botched or if it goes wrong and not everybody looks good after a sex change operation and that's what I wanted to do but I couldn't do it and then I'm also like well yeah but then that's not me you know I was put here in this body I'm gonna have to live in this body until I die that's how it was and I just I always felt like I was a girl pretty much I was always girly you know I just did my best to hide it over the years but I am can't even explain it look at the posters on my walls it's full of pony stuff my little pony it's a girl's show yet they call the guys who watch it bronies which I was one it took me until 2014 to now it's yeah now it's 2015 2015 I got into my little pony but it's mainly intended for girls and look at that I got two pony posters on my wall you know one was from one of the movies which is it's a crossover movie where the ponies become human so that was different but anyways you don't give a shit about that but it's just every year of my life since 2013 I just felt more and more feminine can't explain it look at look at the bathroom look at where my stuff was you'll see there's a girl's Venus razor there there's the skintimate stuff that girls use to shave their legs and arms with every three days since like 2016 I've been shaving my arms and legs an entire body every three days you wonder what I'm doing in the shower for so damn long I'm shaving my entire fucking body I wasn't jerking off in there but nobody ever questioned that which I don't know why I hid it for the longest time I kept the the girl razor in my freaking desk over there and I just got tired of hiding it I'm like well they're gonna have to eventually know anyway so I just started leaving it on the counter but nobody questioned it which I couldn't believe that shocked me ever since 2016 I've pissed sitting down just one thing kept leading to another and to another and to another I mean right now look what I'm wearing you know it's it's always been right on your nose but I've kept it hidden away from you the entire time I've had girls t-shirts in my freaking dresser and my closet for like two and a half years or so leggings that's all been here it's been in my closet under my bed in the top drawer my dresser run under your nose you never saw it and I just I couldn't stop buying the stuff I didn't buy much of it but like I bought like I'd say three pairs of leggings and two bras and like three t-shirts that were girls and there's just one thing I'll say is like that white stain on the floor like that splotch you'll see on my carpet that was an ember thing I just I wanted to make my skin as white as possible to look like her I wanted it to be completely white so I bought this this body paint which was like I don't even know what it was it was like latex shit that like it becomes like glued to your skin you got to peel it off and it got on the carpet and then it got freaking in my body hair which like almost never came out at the time what little body hair I had at the time anyways but um that stuff never came off it's funny yeah you're over there sleeping and here I am at three in the morning covering myself in this latex shit and yeah that was a fail but it was just all this has been right under your nose and I kept it hidden away so um I'll just keep going through the years here while I can um as I said 2013 ember came back into my life and she was never out of it again so at the end of 2013 I really didn't see like what more I could really do with my life and I'm like in one of my youtube videos I can picture myself making youtube videos for maybe at least another year and that's it and that was me nodding at the fact that I would be killing myself in a year so I thought I'd be dead in 2015 I didn't think there was any other possible way I'd be alive and what happened was something that shocked me was 2014 was the best year of my life in terms of youtube content in terms of my mind and my thoughts and my general direction in life and at the same time it was it was just love hate because of the job shit I had to deal with finding a full-time job and all that but 2014 was my favorite year of my life and I just I didn't think I had much left to offer I thought I was done like there's nothing left in the tank this is it you know I've done everything I can for youtube and I just I don't want to do this anymore I was winding down my life in a way and I made a video in January of 2014 called amnesia rape which if you ever look up these videos you're gonna be like what the fuck was he thinking because at the same time I don't even know what I was thinking for some of these videos but I just went with it and I got this idea at work I was picking up a big heavy box off the top of a palette when I was still on you know second shift and first shift and I almost dropped it on my head I'm like that would have sucked you know and then it gave me an idea for a video and the whole video was about me having a weight set drop on my head I lost my memory and over the years I made these videos of me talking to these inanimate objects that I had lying around and you know it was just routine like I knew they could talk and all this and obviously I did the voices for them but when I got hit on the head and lost my memory I totally forgot that they could talk and all this and you know I had these inanimate objects tie me up to a chair and one of the characters was this stuffed whale character which was gay which I don't know what made me like make the character gay because I'm not gay but it just it worked and the fucking toy starts fucking my ass and having his way with me and then my memory comes back and all the while the one inanimate object which is a frog uh the frog was recording it on a camera and you know it was gonna get posted on the internet and all this shit for the video and you know my memory comes back and I'm like what the fuck's going on and you know it was just it was a totally like fucking out there video but it was dark stuff you know at that up until that point I had never really done anything like really dark and that's when the darkness started to make its way into my youtube content so I only made four videos that year which is hard to believe for me because for youtube you you don't know um Jeremy's texting me right now that's hilarious I can't say what it is because then it's gonna ruin father's day haha um yeah sorry to bring that up I just saw the text up here on the screen go away um I lost my train of thought yeah the the video started to get darker and up until that point I had not done dark stuff but I I made only four videos that year and in my youtube career I've made like 10 some videos every year like 10 to 17 videos and then once I got into like college I just wanted to start to slow down you know because I had to work more often and all that so the video started to decline but in 2014 I only made four videos and 2014 was a huge milestone and a step up because they became short film videos um sure the video I just mentioned with the amnesia rate but all that that was like a four minute video or whatnot but shortly after that was when things got longer paced and drawn out and slowed down and it was totally different and I used my skills in a way as I never thought I could and it was like I was achieving my dream of making movies in a way even though it was just me with a video camera but um um so that was the first video I did of the year the second was what ultimately like ultimately led to my demise which was a video called the search for a member and I told you about the song before the song remember um the worst part about that song was for 10 years we only had this horrifically degraded mono mix it was worse than bootleg quality the song sounded like shit it was as if somebody held like a 2004 cell phone up to a computer speaker and recorded that and that's what got uploaded onto the internet I don't think that's what happened but I you know back in 2004 this is before iTunes was the standard mainstream way of downloading and releasing music so you had songs that had lower bandwidth and all this and ultimately shitty quality and this track sounded shitty as fuck I can't even describe it there was like there was no death to it at all and like it literally sounded besides like holding the cell phone up to a speaker it sounded like it was playing in an underwater cave or something somebody described it like that but um anyways long story short um somebody found the song in the mastered high quality you know and they sent it to me and the thing was nobody knew that this was actually on the internet anywhere like we thought it was just like at Nickelodeon studios on their hard drives or something but turns out the singer who sang the song had it on her website in her portfolio section for the songs and work that she's done and all this and um somebody found it and they sent it to me and I was the first one to upload it to youtube and HD quality like that and I had an edit of that song over the years I kept like retouching and making better from the show and I made a music video out of it with the shitty track so I just threw the updated track in there and uploaded it and over the years that video got over a million eight hundred thousand views 1.8 million views in three years that's insane for a guy like me a girl like me but it's just I couldn't believe it at the same time I could but it was like holy fuck so this became a marketing tool for my future videos because I could start putting like links in there for my stuff but you know that's besides the point but anyways ember just took over my life and everything just seemed like destiny at the time it's like okay I was the first person to upload this I was like the first person to know about the song being found in HD you know things were really looking up and it just felt like fate you know I can't even explain it so I made a video called the search for a member which was a video about me about to kill myself because I couldn't find the track and all this and you know but it wasn't really overdramatized because I actually did want to start thinking about killing myself at the time but um yeah I made the video and the singer actually saw it which blew my mind um the singer's name is Robin Kermse and she's done work for Nickelodeon or like shows like fringe and stuff like that she's done vocals and stuff for that and it just blew my mind it's like this woman saw it and uh even added me on facebook afterwards so yeah it was just like it felt great like I felt like I had another purpose like a new purpose to keep living and it was nice and then the next video I made was what ended up fucking my hand up which was extinction it's when I stabbed that frog at the end of the video and lacerated my tendon you guys were at a baseball game during that and I had to hurry up and get it done before you got home because I didn't want to I didn't want you to see me covered in fake blood and stuffing from stabbing this stuffed whale and all this and just like completely psychotic and I'd highly like advise caution watching that video because it really starts showing like the psychotic side of the unit like it's really disturbing to watch um but in terms of like performance and all that it was one of the best acting performances I say acting loosely but one of my best performances on video and that was the first video that ember appeared in that I started using my own version of her in there um and then I just made a few more videos after that I'll just I'll try to keep this like short and sweet from now on I can talk about this forever but I made a few more videos and that eventually led to me going into animation and doing cartoons and it's all thanks to that character that ember character I just felt a connection to her I felt like I've known her before even though she's a cartoon spiritually I just felt connected it's like she just like grabbed me and wrote me in I can't even explain it and that's when I just got into the cartoons and this is the biggest like what if but it goes back to fate and destiny this was when uh I had the hand surgery done you know I quit the hospital job and all this and I got the hand surgery which ultimately led to me going to night shift and all this and then this happened you know it's all fate things happen for reason no matter what people say they do it's meant to happen major things need to happen in your life that was one of them the hand surgeries that was supposed to happen because had that not happened there's no way I would have gone into animation or at least not the way I did you know I had a lot of time to work on it during that period of time that's when I developed everything and you know worked my skills up with it and started making stuff out of it and that was called EGS that's when the EGS content started that's when I stopped doing videos on film and just did cartoons and I called it EGS which stood for embers go squad so this poster behind me that's EGS that poster is EGS the one that's above my bed is from the actual Danny Phantom TV show except I got rid of the background and made my own background for it and all that but that's literally what the character looks like that's literally ripped from the show and then photoshopped out and I think every single time I've gone to sleep she's hovered over me as I slept you know that was the point of that but I could talk for hours about EGS and what it all means and the long and just of it is EGS is just meant to be be who you are not give a fuck what anyone thinks about you and just live you know your existence you're a ghost you're dead you know that's the whole point you die and join that ghost squad and it was just it just happened I can't explain it is it was just fate like some people would be like what a far-fetched concept that is like how the fuck do you come up with something like that you know it's just when I was in that dark and depressing place that's what ember led me to was like I was meant to do this it's as if the almighty powers above was saying this is what you're supposed to do that's what I felt like my purpose was it wasn't to get a fucking full-time job and start a family and live a long happy life you know none of that garbage it just that wasn't who I was and then the more I started doing the cartoons and all that the more I just didn't give a fuck what anyone thought I just did whatever and those videos I made were very disturbing if you ever do watch them I made these videos called EGS tapes which is meant to be as realistic as possible which is the ghosts recording their thoughts while they're most of the time while they're still alive like recording and documenting their thoughts and feelings on cassette tape or iPhone recordings and all this and you know it's before they died and they would they would die you know you got the backstories and all this and the tapes would be what would be on the internet so like you would understand how they were feeling during this period of time and what I did was I threw all my thoughts and emotions into these scripts and every single video I did and then people loved it you know like nobody makes content like you do it's because I I was realistic with it I was authentic with it I made an EGS tape called conspiring a massacre which is me venting on the fucking tape saying like you know people need to die there's fresh souls all over this town you need to die we're gonna kill you and all this and I wrote this other one conspiring a massacre too which was a different it was a girl who recorded it for me for the character Rachel um I'm saying things like you know just going off about people that you know for Rachel's character people they went to school with it was a high school shooting which was Columbine inspired which I'll get to soon but um Rachel's character she's like me I hate everything everybody pisses me off I just want to be left alone I want to kill people and just live my life the way I want all this and I wrote stuff like you know just bitching about the high school kids like you know do you ever shut the fuck up on your social media no one gives the rats ask what you're doing every five god damn minutes of your worthless depressing slutty life all that shit stuff like oh I'm gonna show up at your house at midnight tie you to a chair incapacitate your fucking parents slit your wrists across the alley pierce your eyeballs with fucking sewing pins watch the blood drain ounce by ounce I have your toxic attention whoring veins you know I went brutally in death with the stuff and the girl recorded it for me you know I paid her to do it I this girl was an actress a youtube actress but you know did voiceover work and I paid her to do it and she ended up doing a few more projects for me after that but you know I wrote all this dark brutal morbid grim stuff into my videos and people ate it up and they loved it they didn't realize that I actually meant it all nobody knew that I started posting on all my social media how I really felt I changed my name because I didn't want anyone here to see it you know that's when the Andrew thing started in late 2015 that's when I just I changed my name because I've always hated my name my entire life I hated the name Randy I always hated that name yet I couldn't tell you that last year in 2016 I came this close to saying I wanted to legally change my name I came that close I almost did it I didn't want to have to go through the whole process of going to the social security place and getting fingerprints at the police station and all this shit and it's just like I'm probably gonna be dead in a year and a half anyway so what does it matter so the more I just sat deep in thought I felt like my name was always Andrew for some reason and I called myself Andrew Blaze because I love fire Amber was a fire character you know her hair was always on fire and it just connected with me in that way and I just thought of Andrew Blaze and it felt so familiar too it was either gonna be that or as time went on I thought like Rachel like I thought my name was always Rachel but I don't know but that's when that started and that was the lead character for EGS me and it was just my ultimate statement for my life you know I just did whatever I wanted and whatever I could for the cartoons I wasn't perfect with the cartoons there's stuff I look at that I made is like wow that looks shitty you know but I got better at it like the last video I ever made the Westboro High Massacre that video blew me away like what I was able to do so it was all made by me besides like some of the voices like all the cartoons you see on that channel were done by me I made all that and I guess I should do the inevitable deed now of talking about what made me do all this because there's so many factors that go into it I can't give you an exact motive that's always gonna be the biggest question why you know Amber was always there in this dark place like I mentioned she fueled me to do this that was like she told me to do this you know do it for the ghost squad you know we need more souls kill people it was that it was just the overall hatred and general stress of being here on this planet just my hatred for everybody in the human race wanting to kill people not wanting to deal with anybody anymore I just wanted to kill people one of the other biggest was Columbine I'm sure most of you have heard of it but I doubt most of you know fully in depth what it was the Columbine High School shooting was April 20th 1999 and last year around June was when I just got sucked into it and I've heard about it in high school or early college or whatever like just the reference of like you know school shootings like Columbine and all this and I never really looked it up until like late 2015 or early 2016 and it just hooked me it grabbed me it sucked me in and I loved it it blew my mind that two teenager high school kids could do what they did and their names were Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold Eric Harris was I think 18 and Dylan was 17 it happened on April 20th 1999 they walked into their school with trench coats on Eric had a saw-in-off shotgun and a carbine rifle Dylan had a semi-automatic pistol and a saw-in-off double barrel shotgun and they walked into their school killed 12 or 13 students and a teacher and then killed themselves and they conspired to do this for a year and mostly the biggest cause of it all was bullying or just hating the world in general when they got arrested for breaking into a van and all this but they were generally good kids and people don't see that they see them as these monsters that just killed people in their high school and wanted to blow the entire place up and kill as many people as possible but deep down they were victims and I started to realize this and I just got attracted to them not like in a sexual way or anything but I just grew fucking in love with them and they became my role models they became my inspiration and that's not good by society standards if you start showing affection and sympathy for fucking high school shooters you're gonna be fucking locked up so I had to try my damned is not to post about that on social media but if you looked I made a fucking natural selection shirt that's the shirt Eric Harris wore when he killed people Dylan had a shirt that said wrath on it but Eric Harris had a white t-shirt black text natural selection and I bought fucking three of them yet none of you knew what it meant which blew my mind I didn't want to tell you that so I kept that under wraps but blew my mind none of you knew what it was that's a warning sign they got me into guns like I always envisioned shooting myself with a pistol like when mom said she was gonna get a gun I'm like finally I can get out of here that's my ticket out of here and when she got it I'm like that gun looks fucking weak like I guess it could it could totally kill you but I wouldn't count on it to end my life it just seemed like a really like pussy gun and then once I got more into Columbine I got into shotguns so the whole reason I got that saw not not the sauna it's not a son of shotgun but you know the 12 gauge pump action shotgun was because of Columbine that's what Eric Harris used he had it was an old shotgun it was like 20 to 30 years old when he had it but it was a son-off shotgun that was like 18 inches long you know so that's what I wanted to do I wanted to buy a shotgun saw it down and all that and it would be powerful as fuck because when you saw down shotguns it makes them more powerful from close range and it could just devastate whatever's in front of it but then I saw the one I'm like well that looks exactly like what I would want to do to it so I bought that one and what you didn't know was I bought a second one about two and a half three weeks after you might be wondering why well at the time when I got the shotgun I just intended on using it to kill myself in my room here that's what I thought was gonna happen that's what I envisioned happened for years that's what I envisioned happening for years anyway and you know I started documenting everything I started a journal which is what Eric Harris and Dylan Klebow did before they killed themselves over that year or two they had a journal so I started keeping my own writing down my thoughts and just because I thought it was cool you know and it's a nice way to express yourself without using the internet nobody can track it nobody can know what's going on with you it's a nice private way of doing it it's just simple pencil and paper you know pen and paper so I started doing that and as time went on I just being I was so sucked into Columbine I'm like maybe I can do something like this I can do a shooting you know but I kept thinking I was like well what what can I shoot up the only thing I like that came to my mind was my college campus LCC but I'm like I wouldn't kill more than two people wouldn't be worth it and plus I'd be a one girl crew I'd have to do it all by myself there'd be no way I can pull that off and kill like more than two people so I kind of put the thought aside and I just envisioned killing myself in my room here and that was it and as time went on I'm like holy fuck I could shoot up my fucking supermarket you know it just it dawned on me like that I was like whoa because with night shift it's a freebie it's a gimme there's no customers there no one can stop you and it was like a dream country scenario but I didn't want to risk it with just one gun you know like something can go wrong the gun can break or jam or whatever and you're screwed you can't off yourself you know so I had it all come down believe it or not to a coin flip this is the quarter I used to decide my fucking fate you can believe that as much as you want but it's the truth I got it I got it all on video I set up the camera out in the yard the backyard and it was going to be the best out of three flips originally it was going to be like whatever the first flip was was what it was going to be but I decided to do the best of three so I ended up flipping it four times it came down to the very last coin flip believe it or not it did and the first flip was tails it was going to be heads I would do it here if it was going to be tails I would do it at the store first flip was tails second flip was heads I believe and then heads tails whatever you know it was tied so it came down to the last coin flip landed on tails so I documented that entire thing called it fate by coin flip so that's when I decided to get a second one which you never knew about bought a second shotgun so I kept it under my bed all this time and it was the exact same shotgun except shorter it was 18 and a half inches which is the bare minimum legal limit for the length of a shotgun barrel so the one that you you know you went to get with me was 20 inches that one was 18 and a half and um I gave them names the the first one I bought that you know of I called Rachel and then I called the smaller one Mackenzie after Mackenzie West not that one this one Mackenzie was another reason why I did this and you can call me crazy all you want but spiritually she's my soulmate she's my girl that's who I'm going to spend eternity with and it's who I've who I was with before I was sent here and I rediscovered her last year and then she just started talking to me in my head ever since and she was always there for me throughout my life when I didn't even realize it and I write about her in the journal I talk about her and these tapes I made before doing this and you know she's my girl she's my dream girl it's who I'm gonna be with and ultimately ultimately it's what was the final nail in the coffin of ending my life and she's everything I could ever ask for in a girl Mackenzie's my girl and as much as you might find it hard to believe in this poster I'm the one wrapping my arms around her that's me that's what I envision myself as and you can believe that as much as you want or you could just call me fucking crazy it doesn't matter to me but that's how it is you watch the video if you ever do the Westboro High Massacre video I mean I show it I do the intro like every like legit skit production I do but it's a send request track called comeback song and the very first time I heard that song it just connected with me in a way unlike anything that ever had my life when I filmed them at LCC for my my uh special projects workshop that I took instead of an internship you know and from that day forth you know I filmed the music video for them and all that and that led to some cool things but that song was what changed my entire life I animated it for EGS for every skit you'll see that intro you know they all say I'm broken they never meant anything to me can't they just leave me be to follow my own fantasy I'm lost here I'm jaded stuck in my own misery this is my comeback song it's only meant to fucking prove you wrong I am so far from being famous I know you're not the same as me and that's the way I want it to be my friends talk when I'm not around they say I'm lost and not yet found can't they see I'm just like them stranded and broken you know stuck here I'm fading can somebody please help me you know it was all there and it was like wow this is me I could just sum me up in a nutshell and you always saw me as having like no direction you know just lost and stuck people think I'm weird and messed up broken you know it just all connected with me and I used it for the theme song of my videos and who knows where that's gonna go after this happens I don't know but that was the ultimate statement for me yeah the shooting was one thing but that track is it's perfect so you'll hear Andrew blanks a voice coming out of my ghost squad character so you know it's a trip queen was one thing but this is taking that to a whole other level but that's why I couldn't show you this stuff I couldn't tell you about my cartoons I couldn't show them to you because you'd you'd monitor the living hell out of me you'd think I'd be like on the verge of ending my life you know if you saw what I did on there it's all dark disturbing stuff yeah I made a funny video or two but you look at the backstories for the characters the one ghost Harmony Ingram her name is died from slashing her wrists cutting her wrists Matilda Ramsey died by being buried alive Rachel Shadows and myself died in a school shooting massacre Mackenzie West died by being kidnapped raped butchered and murdered hacked to pieces after being stalked Alex Gebhardt died in a car accident blood from his skull was dripping into his eyes while he was still alive Celesta Reynolds heroin overdose Sydney Secor died in the school shooting it's just brutal stuff and I love it ever since I got into it I always love dark stuff and Columbine was besides Mackenzie Columbine was the last missing piece of the puzzle in my life and I just felt a connection to Eric Harris and he was pretty much the mastermind and the brains behind Columbine and I just I read his journal the police released that stuff back like in 2002 or something but I read it and I was like holy shit because like it was like someone actually like understood how I felt about the world and society like my hatred for people wanting to wipe out all the weak and worthless people in the world and all that and it just it blew my mind and I wish I could have met him I really do and for all I know I knew him before I was here spiritually when we might know each other you know I don't know for certain but he was a huge inspiration for me he inspired me to put the duct tape on the shotgun on the pistol grip that was Eric Harris I fell in love with the suicide photo from Columbine it's on google it's all over the internet look up Columbine high school suicide picture you'll see Eric Harris bowed over to the left like this and Dylan's like like this with his arm over his chest and one hand on the gun and that's in this picture behind me I drew it I drew my own version of that suicide picture I literally traced over it and made my own version of it if you look really close you will see it but unless you know exactly what it looks like you won't even notice that it's there but there's two angles of that suicide photo like one's like the angle I mentioned it's like an overhead view where he's over to the left like this and Dylan's like laying like this because the police had to roll them over to check for bombs after the massacre happened the other picture was taken like head on you could see like Eric like this and his hands kind of covering his face but like his head is like completely obliterated and you can see like the wound on Dylan's head and all this and I just I loved it and it wasn't sexual or anything I wasn't turned on by dead people or corpses or anything like that I was attracted to ghosts yeah but I fell in love with the suicide picture and that gave me a purpose it's like these people were heroes to me which might just give you the fucking shivers and creeps right now thinking about that yes these two kids were heroes to me and they killed 13 people and a teacher