Okay, well I hit record, I didn't mean to, but here I am. Okay, so, as I go over a hill. And great, now we got to go through some road work! Yeah! Let's not go through that shit. So, today's May 30th. Got about nine days left. I'm gonna turn off here. I'm gonna be a little bumpy, bear with me. I put the camera down here this time, just so you can see me more, even though I'm gonna be looking this way most of the time. But I just got sick of looking at the steering wheel, and I could not see anything. So, whatever. So I'm just gathering as much as I possibly can for this digital set. It's just like the main thing that's on my mind anymore, is do I have everything I need in that thing? And I still keep finding more stuff to put in there. Every night, it's like, oh my gosh, I forgot about this. And I just keep digging through stuff, and last night was my night off. I didn't even touch the massacre video, it's like I just, I don't care anymore. It's just gonna be what it is. If I need to put animatic shots in there, to fill in the holes, then that's what I'll do. That's all I can do. I just, I have no time left to work on that thing, and no motivation or will to work on it. So, I'm just done with it. I still need Laura's lines for the opening portion, but that's it. The bulk of the first freaking portions animated anyways, there's like three holes, that's it. Three little holes in the project, I'll always be worse, but the fact of the matter is once people know what's gonna happen, you know, they'll be like, well at least we have what we have. I would hope so. My fans are generally understanding of everything, and hopefully this will be no exception, you know. So, just wish I could move this over. I'm trying not to kill myself prematurely here. It's kinda better. Trying to do this all raw and unedited for you guys too, that way you like get the full just of everything. And no editing, no cutting nothing, so. There, it's better, how's that? So yeah, I'm, I just can't get death off my mind now. Every hour, every ten minutes pretty much, it's always on my mind, I can't get it off, and it's been on my mind for years, but it just constantly has gotten more in my mind. Especially now more than ever, because I have like eight days left to live. So, I'm just preparing myself for that. Because the more I think about it, you know, like the, oh I don't want to stop signing here. Sorry, the more I think about it, you would think like, the more you think about it, the more nervous you'd get, the more comfortable I've gotten with it actually. Death has always been, you know, scary. You think about it, it's like Jesus or anything on the other side, or what's it gonna feel like, am I gonna feel this, or what's that gonna feel like, what's this gonna look like, and all this stuff, and as my camera falls. Come on, this is a good angle. Just stay in there, stay right there, do not fall. That's an order. But, yeah, you know, growing up it's like, it's scary. Death is scary. And when you've been debating on taking your own life, it's even more scary, because what if you fail, what if you botch it, you know, what if something goes wrong? What's gonna happen? How's it gonna feel? What are you gonna see? You know, are you gonna be unconscious and all this? And I've thought about so many different ways about killing myself over the years. Like, I've thought about hanging myself back in early high school, which is like typically what people do in high school, instead of shooting themselves. Like, they'll either cut themselves or they'll hang themselves. And I thought about that, but I'm like, that's not fast enough. You know, you could be alive for a good minute and a half or so, just dangling there, and your neck probably won't break, and you'll just slowly go unconscious and suffocate to death. I'm like, I do not want to go out like that. That was always my last resort, and I just, I can never bring myself to go out like that. I just, I couldn't do that. That's just gruesome. Shooting yourself is even more gruesome, but in fact, the matter is you're gonna feel everything, and that's not what I wanted. Cutting myself, that was also like a last resort thing. It just, I couldn't bring myself to do that. And also, fearing that I'd survive, you know, like it wouldn't kill me. That just, that was a no-go. Car accident was another thought, except this wouldn't be an accident, this would be on purpose. But like, after Ryan Dunn died, I'm like, yeah, maybe that's a possibility. Like, I can like floor it and drive straight into a tree at like 100 miles an hour, and that will kill me. So that was pretty much one of the ways I thought about doing it. And then I got like more creative with it. I'm like, okay, maybe I can get a gun and then shoot myself just before I'm about to hit the tree. You know, then I won't like feel anything. So that was like pretty much what was in my head, like back in like 2011 and 2012. That was just the way I pictured like doing it for a while. Then I just thought about doing it with just the gun. So I thought I'd get a handgun for my grandparents' house and shoot myself. When like, my parents were away on a vacation or something. You know, I've talked about this a million times, but that was like pretty much what I was going to do. And the more I thought about it, I'm like a handgun's not like guaranteed to kill you. So I already told you about the shotgun and everything and how I got into that. So I won't recap all that because then what would be the point, you know, these videos would get really boring. Yeah, it's just, I just kept gradually like getting more like creative with how I was going to do it. I should mention that fire was also another alternative back in 2010, which I mentioned like in a few other suicide recording videos, but it was my vision. I bounced myself a gasoline light, imagine that shoot right in the head. So those are all the methods that I could really think about besides like jumping off the top of a building. I'm like, well, how am I going to, how's that going to happen? It's like where would I go? So I was in New York back in 2009. It was during the 789 gathering actually. I think it was like a week before. That was a week after, I think, whatever, but that was going down during that span of time. And I was on top of one of the skyscrapers. I'm like, wow, I can jump right off the top of this right now and kill myself if I wanted. And in 2009, I think I was 17. That was crazy. I was going to be 17. I was 16 and a half, but the thought was there right then and there. It's like, wow, I can just jump off right now and kill myself. Didn't do it, but I included some of those photos in this death box set. I don't know if you want to see the pictures from that trip. Everything's not in there, but if I'm in the picture, I included it. But yeah, we went to New York, Manhattan back in July 2009, and saw Ground Zero where the Twin Towers stood. And saw where John Lennon got shot at the Dakota building, which at the time I couldn't appreciate what I was seeing at the time. I wasn't into music yet. And it was just like, oh, okay, John Lennon got shot here apparently. Cool. All right, next. I was like, yeah. So nowadays, I'd really appreciate that more. I'd probably be a little emotional if I went now. But yeah, it was a pretty cool trip. It spent the day in New York. And I included some of the pictures in that set for you. So I don't think I ever posted those ever. Might have, but yeah, there's a shit ton of pictures to dig through. You know, if you're ever bored, just look in the photos folder. Stuff from that, from my Texas trips, from growing up in general, some modern stuff. You know, there's all kinds of pictures in there. Some of them are screenshots from the original source, but you know, I did the best I could with what little time I had. That's the problem with some of this stuff. Like this box set, I tried to conveniently label as much as I could and separate everything and organize it. But some things I got lazy with, they'll just be pictures that have a bunch of numbers in there for the file name. And I just didn't feel like labeling every single fucking picture. There's like, I don't know, there could be 800 fucking pictures in there for all I know. And I got to give everyone a name. That's not going to happen. And I'll be doing that all day. So some of them are just a bunch of random numbers. That's just, that's the original file name of the file. There's no like conspiracy in there or anything. Those are just the numbers. Yeah, there's just, there's so much stuff. I have over 120 gigs uploaded so far. It's crazy to think about. I have a terabyte of space, so I'm putting it to good use. And I went above and beyond last night. It's going to say today, but it's taking us last night, but I started uploading all of this raw. Sorry, I fell again. I started uploading. Stay still. I'm trying to make sure my head's not cut off. Here. I'll lose my train of thought. A little bit more. Fuck you. Douche. Little bitch. That's good enough. I started uploading a bunch of stuff last night and I went above and beyond. And I uploaded all of the raw takes from the EGS videos, which I've never done for anything before. I think I've only sent like one person, like a raw recording of something, like every single take of something. And I went the extra mile with this. So for every fucking project, I want to say except for a few EGS tape videos. No, I included all of them. Yeah, I did. All right. Yeah, I uploaded every single, if you want to call it a studio session, every single session for every single video that's on the EGS channel. And the scrapped episodes like from Welcome to the Squad, Curt and Paul, those are in there. So every single take, at least 99% of them for every video is on that digital set. So you can, you know, hear the process that I go through when I record voices. The random shit I say when I'm just segueing between one line to the next and filling in time, like while I'm reading the next line and all that. You know, all the outtakes, it's all in there. It's the original file, the original source file. And there's a lot of them like Welcome to the Squad. I could not believe how many clips that had. And it shows you what I was working with over that summer in 2015 because that was that video was meant to be perfect. It took me the entire year to do and it didn't even end up getting finished properly. So you'll see there is at least like 25 voiceover clips in there. Some of them are as long as 20 minutes. Some of them are as long as like two minutes. But you'll keep seeing like, I don't know, Welcome to the Squad, Opening Voiceover, Re-Record, Opening Voiceover, Better, you know, all through the summer. Some of them are labeled by dates. And some of them you can just look at the source file say, OK, created July 3rd, 2015 or something. So you can see when I recorded these or modified them or whatnot. But there are so many voiceover takes in that box set. Blew my mind. But I got every single video that was EGS related in there. Pretty sure. I mean, if I miss like some of the outtakes, the rough like EGS tape videos that I did. So what, like they were just like straightforward, raw recordings anyway, but the essential stuff's all in there. Blew my mind how big that file is going to be. On my computer, it was a 4 gigabyte file, but I compressed it into a ZIT file and it's like 3 gigs. That was ridiculous. But you know, like the Unleash the Candy videos in there, all the audio from that, Froggy's audio. The only difference is the isolated audio for this. Like if I pitched my voice for a character, it's pitched in the track you're going to get. It's not the original. Also because I didn't save the original for everything. Like once I like change the pitch on something, I'll save it. When I know it's perfect, like Froggy especially, like, oh yeah, him and Alex. Alex was the most unpredictable one. Like sometimes like I need to pitch him higher or her rather her higher. Sometimes I need to pitch her a little bit lower. And I always had to save the original raw recording in case it wasn't perfect. Because you don't want to keep pitching it a million times because then the audio is going to get messed up and you don't want that to happen. But yeah, so everything's there. It blew my mind. That's why I'm glad I saved this stuff. Because fans of the future, they'd love to hear this stuff. It's like, if I were the Beatles, this is the anthology stuff. You know, all the behind the scenes stuff. And yeah, it's a trip. It's a lot of stuff and it'll keep you busy. If you're ever really bored to start digging through this digital set, you'll find stuff to entertain you. There's a shitload of stuff in here. It's as if you have my hard drive on your computer. That was the goal. Except for like the raw flash files and stuff. I put the vectors on there, but I don't want people to have the original. Like the raw Photoshop and the raw flash files and all that. Because you need to make the stuff yourself. You can't steal what I made. That's no fair. So that's just how it is. I just want to give all my stuff out just like that. Because if people would steal it and pass it off as their own and all that. That's not right. So, sorry. I'm keeping the flash files. So, yeah. So that's been what I've been working on lately. It's just that digital set. So much stuff I can still put in there. But pretty much 99% of the video collection is in there. Just trying to find anything I missed. So, yeah, you know, it's just a lot of stuff. And I hope people appreciate what they're seeing with this. You know, nobody does this. This is very generous of somebody to do. I can't see any YouTubers actually doing something like this. Not even like Angry Video Game Nerd. He won't even do something that massive. You know, this is huge. So, I hope you appreciate what I've done for that. Because I could have easily just like never put anything out and just killed myself and kept all the journals to myself or kept all the EGS tapes to myself for all the suicide tape recordings I did to myself. And, you know, all this stuff. I could have just kept it to myself and it never would have saw the light of day. You know? I'm like, well, that's not right. You know? So, I wanted to put this all together. I wanted to put all this out. Because if I didn't, it would just end up on a hard drive corrupting until my parents threw it out, you know? It's not worthless stuff. It's useful stuff for the future for people who like want to better understand how people are and how to prevent things from happening, you know? Or just to see what kind of unique person I was. So, that's why I'm doing this. That's also why I'm documenting all this for you. Gives you an inside look at what it's like. I mean, I might come off as like very like, very laid back about all this. If you were going to be dead in nine days, you'd think you'd be like frantic and paranoid and like just paranoid about the whole thing and not being able to shut up about it and not stopping, like, you know, you'd be worried as hell. But I'm really not. That's why I've just gotten desensitized most of it. Like I said in my journal, I'd be lying and full of shit if I said like I wasn't afraid in those final moments, but until that happens, I'm okay. But then after everything I'll do, it'll be that much easier to do it. Like, oh god, I'm going to be in fucking prison the rest of my life after this. No, thank you. So, you know, it's just everyone's different with dealing with it. They all deal with it in their own way. And the best way I find a deal with it besides just thinking about it and keeping my thoughts in my head is writing the journal and doing these suicide tapes. So, it just makes me more comfortable with it and knowing people will see this stuff. So, yeah. You just don't understand. Nobody ever will. They'll never understand how I'm feeling about all this. Like, I could say a million times, like, you know, you don't understand or, you know, I wish you could understand or I'll put it in terms for the best of your knowledge to understand or I could just like to put it in a nutshell, this is how I'm feeling like this. The fact of the matter is you'll never get it. Nobody will. Unless you remain. I don't even get it some of the times. But, I'm just... I don't know. I just can't describe that desire to go. The desire to be a woman again. The desire to just get out of this body and get out of this world. It is indescribable. I could sit here for six hours and talk about it and I still wouldn't do it justice. You have no idea. The one way I described it was this as if I had like this big knot of tension and stress and chaos and anger and frustration all wrapped and tangled up in a knot in my chest and it keeps getting bigger. That's one way of describing it and I can't release it. No matter how many times I yell, no matter how many times I vent, no matter how many times I write my journal or just talk, I can't release it. Stuck in there until I die. You have no idea how hard it is to get through a night at work anymore, especially some of the nights I'm completely by myself. Fucking co-worker sprained her foot. So the non-order nights, I've been completely alone the entire night. My goddess, does it drag. You have no idea how slow time feels there now. It's horrible. I honestly don't know how I'm still doing it. I've gotten lazy with it and I won't lie about that. I'll work nearly as hard as I used to now because it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing matters anymore, it doesn't. This is it. I do enough to get by without being a problem. So... I only have two more nights off. That's all I have left to myself, you know? That's all. Two more nights off this Thursday and next Sunday. That's it. So that's one lousy thing about it. It's like I wish I would have had like the night off before I was gonna die, but it's the way it is. I wanted to have my vacation before all this happened and it turns out I wouldn't be able to take it anyways. I would have gotten pushed back because it did. The week after I'm gonna die is when I originally had my vacation. Turns out I got bumped back to the week of the 24th. So that would have been crushing. Yeah, I wanted to take a vacation. So I had the whole week to myself to do whatever. But I'd be bored as hell. I probably would. I mean, the nights off I have, I just don't feel like doing anything. But surprisingly last night I did get this digital set stuff done. It wasn't like I was at my computer slumping over and feeling sluggish and everything. I actually did do stuff. So... I mean, granted it wasn't working on cartoons or anything, but I was working. I couldn't do that the other night off I had. I didn't want to do anything. And that sucked a lot. So... That's it. I'll be off Sunday. And I'll work Monday through that Wednesday. Then I'm gonna die. In reality it's only like a tenth of a shift. It's not even a quarter of it. 1220 is when I intend on starting to block everything up. So... It's before break even. So... My last meal will most likely be Taco Bell. What usually happens is I'll have like a granola bar or two on my way to work. And then on break I'll have granola bars and chips or crackers or whatever. But... I don't know if I'll really eat anything. But in terms of like a last meal... A meal meal that will probably be Taco Bell. And if anyone for the future wants to go to Taco Bell and get my order... The Andrew Blaze Special... I'll tell you what my order is. Every single time I go to Taco Bell I get the exact same thing. For the last... Three years or so it's never changed. I've always gotten... Or granted like one of them has changed. Like the taco flavor or whatever. But I always get the combo number 11. All of them supreme. Two of them cool ranch. One of them nacho cheese. A beef burrito supreme. And a large sierra mist. And I get the exact same thing every time. Or sometimes I'll get two nacho cheese, one cool ranch. You know I flip with it. Or I'll throw a fiery taco in there once in a while. But they know my order by heart. Just by my voice they know what my order is. And sometimes I don't even need to order it. They just fill it up. Total is 11.64. Please pull forward. You know. But yeah, I'm calling that the Andrew Blaze Special. So there you go. It fills you up. It's enough to fill the hole. It's enough to fill the hole. So... Yeah. I'm gonna go there after I wrap this recording up. It's almost 11 o'clock. It's not quite. I don't know when they start serving lunch, but I hate being the first one there to get food. It sucks sometimes. I just feel like an asshole. I hate when we open the store up and there's people there like the crack of dawn waiting to come in. I hate that shit. I try to respect that there. They have breakfast granted, but I hate being one of the first people there. I'm dying right now. Well, I literally am dying, just starving. I haven't eaten anything substantial as of late. It's really bad. I don't know if I'm losing weight or not. I really want to know. If I compared how I looked to the end of 2014, I'd never put on weight like ever. But I think I lost weight over that time. When I had the surgery from the end of 2014 through early 2015, I did lose some weight. I used to be like 137 pounds before that. Unless I didn't pay attention to it, I thought I was 137 pounds. I've been 133 lately. And I notice like when I had the last surgery, the final one, I didn't eat lunch. I ate lunch right after, I think. I didn't eat for the whole day, the following day. When I woke up, I weighed myself and I was 127 pounds. It's like, just in that day, I lost 6 pounds. 6 or 7 pounds. That blew my mind. It's like, holy shit. It's like after surgery, sometimes you just don't feel like eating anything. Like you just don't feel an appetite. That's what happened. I didn't want to eat anything. And I felt like I was a shitty. But, it also sucked because my parents went away with my brother to the Cowboys Packers Playoff Game. And I didn't want to go anyways, but it sucked because I'm like, you're fucking leaving me the whole weekend. I just had surgery done, let something go wrong. What if I get gang green or what if I get an infection and I get sick or a, you know, I wanted to kill them for that. I was pissed. And I'm glad, because it's like, I wanted to like curse their trip. And it did. I don't know if it was me that did it or not, but everything went wrong on that trip for them. And the Cowboys lost, which made it even better. So, but yeah, they had a terrible time and I was fucking happy. So, that was a that was a lousy weekend for me. Mainly because I just didn't want to do anything and I like couldn't do anything but sit around and just making food was hard. Yeah, I like lost six pounds. Nowadays, I'm borderline 134-133. That's severely underweight. And I just look at myself. I'm like, I look at my arms and I'm like, Lord, like this is not like what your average man should look like. And yet I'm strong as hell. Like I get lift things you like wouldn't think I'd be able to lift. Like I'm not strong as hell, but I could lift like heavy shit. Just pulls my mind. And I don't work out. I don't lift weights. I don't exercise at all. I just don't even exercise, period. I never do, never have. It's because I just hate I hate lifting weights. I hate people that are jacked. I just hate exercising. You could say that I'm lazy, but the fact of the matter is like, it doesn't show. It's kind of the opposite of what you'd expect when you'd be like, oh, I don't exercise. I don't work out. You wouldn't expect someone to look thin. You think they'd look fat. And I don't look fat. I look like a fucking twig, pretty much. And my clothes, they just hang off of me. I'm an extra large for like American Eagle, but like it hangs off of me, you know. I got nothing to me. And it's just the way my body has always been. I've always been thin. My brother, if you were to compare him side by side to me, which I guess you could use the family photo we took on Mother's Day, like you'd be blown away. How different his body structure is compared to mine. And yeah, my dad was skinny growing up, but not like this. I definitely have him beat. But I look at my brother, it's like, wow, that's like what I should look like. And then it goes back to me saying it's like, you know, I'm a female soul. I'm a girl. Girls don't look like that, you know. They have thinner bodies. And granted, they have to exercise too, but girls are thinner. Her arms are thinner. That's what I say, you got girly arms. Except my brother says I have alien arms. Which I'm like, well, he's into aliens, so yeah, he'll say I have alien arms. He's into that stuff. Abductions and you know, extraterrestrial like stuff. Area 51 and that stuff just never interested me really. I didn't care about aliens much. I did when I was into Invaders in, but that was it. But yeah, he's just, he's the total polar opposite of my body structure. So it's like, if you were to honestly look at me now, would you like, would you believe that I'm 24 and a half? 24 and three quarters rather? I don't think many of you would say that. You probably say I look like I'm 20 or like 19, 21, something like that. I don't think many of you would even like think that I'm 24. I mean, great, there's times like in pictures I've looked at or like old videos I've recorded where I do look older than I do. Just depending how my hair is, like the hair is usually like everything, like if I had a hair cut or I put like this product in it instead of this one or just depending how I did it, because I changed how I did my hair a lot over the years. Like I used to just, I would towel dry it then use a comb in the very beginning back in like 2010 when I had that hair cut and it looked completely out of whack, which is how people's hair looks in high school, you know. It's poofier and long and it just that's what high school hair looks like. And then once I got out of high school or close to being out, it was when I started changing it, because I kept asking Damien how he did his hair, because it looked so much better. Like how do you get it to look like that? That's what he told me, he just like, he towel dries it, I'm like how do you like not use a brush or anything like that, I just work it with my hands and everything and I tried doing that back then, it's like I couldn't do it. It just looked like a mess. So like I would towel dry it then use a brush and that's what it looked like throughout 2011. So I like that period pretty much, that was a good period of my hair. Some of, like in like early 2011, I didn't really use any hair product and I like that, like the way it naturally looked after using a comb or a brush, it looked nice and poofy and cool and thick and I love that period. Like the pre-season greetings video I did with James during school, when he was just recording without me realizing it, my hair looked great there. Or like the German video we did in high school, I like that. Or like the Yodels video or I don't know, I was trying to think out the top of my head, like that type of hair that I'm talking about. Like the shitty period was like definitely like the first whale video like it looked completely soaked. That's when I used like a comb and a brush and like didn't really towel dry it much. I hated that. Or the first alligator horse head collab my hair was so damn short and I couldn't even do it properly yet. I can't believe I'm talking about my hair for this long but I'm doing it. Big fucking whoop. Bear with me here. Um But like the worst period ever in terms of my hair definitely was 2012 in the very beginning. And that's also when I still had acne. Like I looked like a wreck in very early 2012 and it's because I was dealing with Tom Lynch's death and all that. I just, I was completely drained. I looked terrible. Like and then if my dreams were real video, there's some shots in there. It's like I don't even look like I'm like 22 at the time 20. No. I'm not even 22 yet. I was 20. I turned 21 in 2013. So I was yeah, I was 19. I didn't look 19 in that video. I looked like fucking like 26 or 25. I don't know. But I hated that hair phase. That was just a bad hair period for me. The very early 2012 videos sucked. Like it just looked totally soaked and damp. It's because it was. And the hair product kind of kept it looking like that. But yeah. Videos like that are the ones I hated. A lot of those videos have like bad focus with the camera too because I didn't have a monitor yet. But once I started getting into like 2015 my all time favorite hair period was 2014. 2014 was the best like the amnesia rate video search for remember. Those two videos my hair looked its best. That's the best it ever looked. And I wish it could look like that all the time. More so the search for remember. That was the best one. In terms of how my hair looked. Once extension rolled around I had a haircut so it was a little bit shorter. Resurrection was when it was like starting to get shitty again. I don't know. I just went through different hair products and I used to use axe all the time. That was pretty sure all those videos I had axe in my hair. 2014 even 2012 and all that. You know. Crazy Christmas maniac. Crazy Christmas maniac. I love my hair in that video too. That's pretty much that rivals search for remember. And amnesia rate hair. Hang on. I got construction in front of me here. Come on. Car coming on the left. You fuckers always slowed down. You blow. Fuck you. Yeah. Crazy Christmas maniac. That rivals the search for remember hair. That was one of my favorites. The end of 2014 is when it started to get like shitty. It got shorter all the time and it looked wetter. Especially early 2015. It did not look that great. And that's also because I didn't feel that great. But 2016 is when it got poofy again. It's when it really got long. I really grew it out in 2016. I went like 8 months without a haircut. So like that summer when I released the official EGS intro for the EGS channel my hair was long as fuck. And then I got a haircut shortly after that. But um yeah. I'm talking about my hair because I want to talk about my hair. I like my hair. Sometimes. Sometimes it's a bitch. But um yeah. Then I uh 2017 I pretty much got better at doing it again. So this doesn't look too bad. So yeah. I can't believe I just talked about my hair for like I don't know 10 minutes whatever. I'm sure all the girls out there will love hearing about all that. Yeah. There are times where my hair does look like shit and it doesn't do what I want it to do. Like it has a mind of its own. Um you know. You gotta tame the beast. But I don't know. I just I hate getting it cut those first like 3 weeks after suck. I hate getting haircuts dude. I'll never have to get one again. Fortunately. Yeah. Enough hair talk. What else can I talk about while I have you here? I don't know. I've been playing the scenario over and over in my head about the shooting. Like how it's gonna go. I'm just I almost like I'm 100% sure that Victoria's gonna die. I just it's like I know that she's gonna die. Kristen pretty sure she's gonna die. Like knowing people I could see surviving is Brian pretty much like I can't see Terry getting out. I don't know. The worst possible thing that could happen besides like someone seeing me coming is hiding. I don't have the time to look through like five different departments and their back rooms and all that to find people. That's what's gonna suck. I can move damn fast through that store. I can move pretty damn fast. But I don't have the time to look for people so that's the advantage of having Victoria and Kristen be like virtually like 15 feet away from each other. They're right there. Other than that it's gonna be a wild goose chase. I wrote in the journal I could conspire to do this for like 45 more years and it still won't go exactly how I envision it. Something can still go wrong. You can't think like that. You can't think like what if this happens or this might happen which is gonna throw a fork in that or you just gotta do it. And I've thought it over a million fucking times. You know. I still have thoughts about like oh fuck what if this happens you know. But you just gotta have confidence and faith in yourself that you're gonna do it. And I'm more confident now than I was back in April. That's for damn sure. So I'm ready. Ready to do it. I'm desensitized to most of it so I'm gonna do my damnedest to record all of it in my pocket on this iPhone so people can hear it for the future which I know for a fact they'll never release it like the cops will never release that they'll never release that ever but the police can hear it. If the families wanted to they can hear it. My parents wanted to hear it they could hear it which I doubt they really would. But I wish I could record it all and then like upload it somewhere so you can download it quick but I won't have the time to do that. These files they could be I don't know the way I see it this will be like a 10 minute thing so it shouldn't be that big. It'd be like I don't know 100 some megabytes maybe. Probably a little more than that. You know it's an HD video so it's pretty big. But there's no way I can like upload that anywhere. How can I upload that somewhere from my phone and then have the time to post it? I don't have the time. That's the worst thing. It sucks. Where can you upload that? You can't upload that to Twitter I don't think. Instagram only takes one minute of video. Facebook it probably wouldn't go through. That's a risk. Another thing is like I don't know if like if if the display went to sleep on my phone if it would stop the upload you know. So Facebook video it's like it's weird like sometimes like it'll know if you're posting like sensitive content that doesn't follow the terms of use. Like especially if you use like copyrighted music it knew when I used the bad things audio track from machine gun Kelly. So I don't know. Then again this is just black video with sound. I don't think that would really get censored you know. Denied from uploading. I could try. I'm not having a not holding my breath on that one. It's the only place I could think of to really send it besides through an email which I know for a fact nobody would fucking release it. Like I'm not posting this. So yeah it's I'd have to risk it uploading through Facebook and hope that somebody saw it and downloaded it quick. I don't know. It's posting it. I just like I put like in the in the title like download immediately it's all I can think of like I've never uploaded to YouTube on my mobile phone. That's a possibility but I have to practice with that. Also where would you put it? I wouldn't want to upload it somewhere where my channel would get banned for uploading it you know. So I wouldn't want to put it on the EGS channel. I'll figure it out but most likely it's just going to go unheard. I would kill for like I guess it's called the CCTV footage like the security surveillance camera footage. I'd kill for that to get released but that never will. Like I would want it so you could sync the audio up to it you know. That'd be perfect. That'll never happen. There is no way in hell that footage would ever get released or leaked. There's no way that anyone could do that. The last thing is I don't even know how to get to the surveillance on those computers at the store. I've been in that room before. It's right in the back about I don't know like 80 feet from her seating. There's this little like door that goes into a little room that's like it's literally like four feet in length and like ten feet wide. It's really not that big. And the computer was open the one time you know signed in and everything but I couldn't figure out how to get to the camera. It's like it's a bunch of like steps you got to go through to get to this place and I've seen the security cameras before back like in 2012 or something I posted a tweet pic on it saying like I see you but I haven't seen it since so like I've never seen surveillance footage of something that happened like if somebody stole something I've never got to see it. So I don't even know how to get to the surveillance footage on that thing. So that sucks but right on the other side of the wall and there is where the back manager's office is which is where I used to hang out there on break at times on night shift just to get away from everybody. It's a little office it's like 20 to 30 feet wide 20 to 30 feet long I should say it's more like 10 feet wide but yeah so I doubt that will ever go anywhere unless documentaries wanted to use like parts where I'm not shooting at people as like footage but that's going to be the worst part of it all like I wish that footage would get released I really do but it will never happen so I wish somebody could like hack into that somehow but you can't because it's that's why it's called that's what it stands for closed circuit television it's not broadcasting to anywhere so you can't hack into it I guess whatever if anyone wants to know more about that store it's store number 154 154 of Wise Markets so if you ever want to look it up I'm not really going to be posting much of that building on this on this digital set besides like what I show in the video itself the massacre video I wasn't going to even do that I can envision it in my head and all that but I'll never get footage in there no way but I did because I was the only one there besides the floor guy so I got those shots on one of the non-order nights and I'm like wow actually it doesn't look too bad so I'll use it so I have been in that building for seven years I think like June 2nd or June 3rd is when I got put in the system there in 2010 so a couple more days it'll be seven years it's crazy all the people that have come and gone there it's ridiculous I want to try to record somehow like just showing you the whole facility like from aisle 1 through 19 just to show you what it looks like I want to try to do that I'll try to do that this week sometime keep intending to do it and I keep forgetting I want to do it it's hard because I can't do it when I'm by myself now because that girl is going to be back this week probably tonight so no one will be able to do that unless it's I can do it when she goes to break yeah I just want to give you like a good look around so you know what it looks like because there's not going to be pictures of that place on the internet really ever I doubt there'd be crime scene photos in that place posted maybe like a couple but it would just be like the doors I shot out you know like the frozen food doors they wouldn't show the bodies or where the bodies were all that I wish I could pinpoint exactly where it'll be so I'll be like hey this is where it was you know but I showed that in the massacre video I showed aisle one I showed like where the floor was this is where I'm going to be dead this is where I'm killing myself you know so to give you a little insight on that which when you're watching it for the first time you'll have no idea but right against those vegetable cans is where I'm going to do it so I showed you the whole spot so Kristen and Victoria it's totally unpredictable where they'll be it'll either be an aisle 19 the pet aisle or anywhere from there through aisle 9 could be anywhere but I know it'll be on that half of the facility because that's where they are during that time but I really really look this Wednesday to see it like 20 after 12 where they're at because it hasn't changed much in terms of where they are on breaks so figure it shouldn't change much during that time slot as I said the beauty of that facility is because there are aisles after aisle after aisle you're completely shielded from view from people so they'll never see you coming that's what's ingenious about it all and I just couldn't believe I didn't get that idea sooner it's like back in December in that suicide tape recording I'm like well where would you go what is worth shooting up and I mentioned my college campus I'd go back to my own high school and shoot it up but it's knocked down it's demolished and I didn't even like think about the supermarket I don't know why I might have like said that but I don't know as I pass a cop hi um I don't think I even like mentioned the supermarket or if I did I'd say it would be too easy to get neutralized but didn't even like think right in front of my face also just how easy it is it's just I can't believe it in a way it almost seems it's too easy you know if it's like almost too easy like there has to be a catch but there's no catch or drawbacks to this it's just the perfect dream scenario the only obstacle is getting everything blocked without being seen that's the only hard part other than that it's like gimme it's a freebie so yeah that's what I'm saying I wonder how people will like try to prevent this from happening in the future you know that's the fact of the matter you can't prevent it you can only endure it shootings are gonna happen you can't prevent mass shootings that's inevitable but in terms of slowing them down or stopping them this might be an eye-opener for people you know maybe like live video feed would help I don't know how can you prevent a shooter you can't in terms of knowing what's about to go down the worst part though besides like people hiding on me would be like if someone does get a 911 call out they're not far which is the worst because there's only like a police station like 2 miles away and I always it's like almost every time I happen to look when I'm on break I'll see a state trooper SUV go by or I'll see like a local township police car go by it's cause it's a highway it's just the end the tail end of a highway and it goes over a bridge and you go into the city of Tunkanic and it's just a little city it's a little town but I always see cops going through there and it wouldn't take long for one to get there so but also goes back to me saying it's like I doubt they would just barge in cause they'd have to know what they're getting themselves into first you know I'm just gonna go blindly into a supermarket where someone's shooting you know you need to know what's going on you need to know how many gunmen there are you need to know where they're at and you need to know if they have like other things like explosives and stuff which I will go have propane tanks so that's the thing it's like maybe as soon as I like shoot Victorian Kristen I should shoot the propane but I kind of want to say that for the grand finale because that's going to be big and that can cause a shitload of devastation you know I don't know how big that explosion it's going to be it might just be a pussy explosion for all I know but you figure two propane tanks at least filled half way all that lighter fluid mini propane canisters on the shelf you know that's going to be a decent explosion and it could be massive for all I know which I need to really keep my distance for it and there's not much protecting me which is the worst part so I need to just give it hell and shoot it and get the hell out of that area but there's going to be a big explosion because you have all that lighter fluid and it's not just one type of lighter fluid there there's the Kingsford kind and then there's the wise brand kind you know the knockoff brand kind that you see in all these like local businesses and all that so you have that and the Kingsford kind and everything else there there's charcoal under it all this shit's going to go flying got a glass behind me that'll probably shatter you know it's going to be awesome but I just hope that God doesn't incapacitate me because that would be the worst thing that could ever happen so I got to really be careful with that got to watch my eyes watch nothing penetrates me from that because this is going to be like flying ammunition coming back at you you got to be careful I was an idiot the last time I went up shooting which might very well be the last time I ever went up I shot a slug into a tree because I wanted to see what it would do and then the tree bark ricocheted and hit me right above the eye hit me like right here and fortunately it didn't do any damage to me but it just like flipped right off me as if someone just like threw it at you but fucking scared me at first like oh great don't injure yourself now but you know if a tree ranch did that or a rather like tree bark did that I'm not sure what this is going to do so I just got to be careful even though I'm going to die I can't make it so I can't off myself you know that would be the worst like Eric Harris when he broke his nose you know he's got to be careful you don't go unconscious somehow I'm surprised he didn't like knock himself out after that I know he was dazed still so yeah it's just there's all kinds of ways I can do it there's so many different scenarios whatever happens happens we'll see I want to save that propane like for last but that's the spot I got to do it in that's the most flammable area in the whole facility that I know of I don't know anything else in there that's like really flammable that's literally like a homemade bomb at your fucking supermarket right there so I'm going to start driving to Taco Bell here and as soon as I get there I'll just wrap this up or talk to you in the parking lot for a little bit more these recordings go on for a long time and they're big files to upload I didn't compress the last one I uploaded it raw and it was a couple gigs so I'm trying to keep it to a 4 gigabyte limit because that takes like 5 hours to upload so I think MediaFire recommends not going over like 4 so yeah so yeah that's what's on my mind right now there's also a gas canister in the back room that I can get in this little safe that you just open with a key and I have the key for it and they actually just leave the key in it which is just so insanely stupid of them not that anybody would like know that that's back there but yeah I thought about getting that and shooting it too but I might just have to make do with what I have by the time I go back there open it up I don't know I also wouldn't really have the time to get it beforehand I have to cover it up somehow so no one would see it but if I wanted I could put the 2 propane tanks in there with that and the lighter fluid and then that's even bigger of an explosion you know so it's possible I was going to load that all up into a cart beforehand but rather than raise suspicion I'll just do it in the moment you know it doesn't take long you just go just you know dump it in there it's not going to blow up if you just dump it in a cart I'll just do that when it's all going down but the only thing I don't know if I'm going to be able to block is that main entrance because I'd rather just go in and just do it because if someone sees me first that's risky business the only person I can really picture seeing me is Terry because he's moving the floor buffer around but he'd be moving the floor machine the floor scrubber during this time so I don't know where he generally is during that time it's always different depending when he starts and what he has to mop up first it's unpredictable oh goody I got a cop in front of me awesome fucking cops but yeah I don't know if I'll block the main entrance or not I almost have to but I don't know hmm that's not a cop it's just someone that has a thing on their roof that looks like a police bar I hate those people so yeah enough about that for now other than that I just think that's all I just think to myself trying to prepare myself for everything and trying to make sure I have everything together this week I'll have to record the video for my parents and I'll probably still include that in the digital set as well because I know people would probably want to see that so I'll include it that won't be some conspiracy too it's like oh he just recorded a separate one and the real one he left certain details out and kept it all to himself and all that I'll upload the actual legit one so there's not going to be anything that I've recorded that you won't see in this digital set everything's going to be in it um I'm going to put the whole shebang in there it's also like this will be the last week I'll be home the last full week so I might as well just take mental notes and everything just go walk around the house and walk around the yard and just look at things and reflect you know I've been here for 24 years 24 years in this one house so all the memories I always think about that when I'm in the when I'm out in the hot tub now just looking out in the yard just like visualizing myself as like a young kid there and like seeing myself walking around the yard and playing baseball or you know playing dodgeball out there walking around with toy guns and filming my old videos there and just having fun playing kickball the tire swing and all that fun stuff I think those days are all gone you know and they're never coming back so we have a big yard too if you haven't noticed it's a big yard used to be like people used to farm there all the time back in the day that's what it was it's a suburban area with fences and everything in the woods it's cool though to know that history but yeah we have a big yard I have a front yard and a back yard with a garden and like the back half of it so it breaks it off into another portion of the yard so we have a big yard I made a video called that I made a vlog called the big yard I just walked around and filmed stuff with Bruno that's in this set as well that old video maybe I'll just record another one just to show you it so yeah it's just I want to go through places in the house and just like reflect I don't know obviously my room is my favorite room in the house it's like an office just an office of escape from the world that's what it is everything in there is what makes me happy what's amazing is how the posters completely fill the border of the room the whole perimeter of the room is full of posters and they won't be there for too much longer I know my mom will probably take them all down take all the wallpaper off and then she's gonna turn that into like a storage room and it's gonna suck that room is very unique nothing of all the stuff that's happened in there all the history of that room and I wonder what's happened in there before I was even in there because we didn't live in that house our entire lives you know I have my mom said we moved in there when she was pregnant with me so I was there my whole life pretty much they weren't so the previous owners the guy died in the hallway right before we added on to the house in that hallway where I screamed in resurrection where I was boxed in the hallway that just used to be a dead end wall my parents' room was there and my room was there so it was just a dead end wall but the owner of the house he died right in that hallway which I never knew until this year but that's comforting but I never felt like uneasy there were like bad vibes or anything like there wasn't anything ever there he was passed on, his spirit was gone he wasn't lingering around the house or anything but it wouldn't make sense and I got the times where if it felt like I was being watched maybe it's him, I don't know but yeah you know I could just make a whole video of me like touring you through the house just to show you like where everything is you know I have filmed in every single room in that house except the attic and this little storage like water closet downstairs in the living room I filmed everywhere in that house besides the attic which I think I said so every room's been on film it's crazy it's not a small house it's decent part of me wishes we would have had a third floor that would have been nice like my uncle Mike's house when they added onto it and they made a third floor and it was amazing I like third floors just because you feel so far away from everyone I think it was a thought at one point like I don't know like eight years ago like maybe we could have added another floor but I don't know I can't really picture our house having another floor people in vans are retarded I hate vans I like vans shoes, I hate van vehicles just to think like that was one of the main points of the end of absolution was doing that big montage of walking down memory lane and then showing things that have happened in those rooms you know because every single room has history to it for my videos and that's what was cool about it it starts in my room and it goes right out into the living room which is where the bulk of everything has happened and it just segues through the house so it was just one nice linear path and it worked it was beautiful some edits might have been dodgy but worked out great yeah so I'll be there in about ten minutes can I figure out what else I can talk to you about what else can I talk to you guys about I'm not mis-talking to you guys I really am that's the weirdest part of all this too I kind of just got adjusted to it I've had to talk to you guys and you haven't been able to hear any of this this entire time since December when I started doing this I stopped after December and then do this again until like March but throughout this entire time I'm talking to you as if you've been listening to me the whole time but you haven't yet you know obviously now when you're watching this you are but I'm not recording this no one's heard this yet but me so it's kind of weird but in a way I feel like you have been there with me along for the ride with all this you know I feel like you've been here just listening to me but in reality you haven't I just I can't explain like how naturally natural this feels too with all this winding down I feel it winding down I feel everything dying inside of me I feel the future eroding away and not being able to be in view anymore I feel like this is it and I've been able to come to turns with things in my life now I've been able to accept things I've been able to let things go not everything but a lot of things or like childhood things you know mementos and all that things I grew up with and being able to let them go and it's all falling into place it's like dominoes that just keep falling over and you're reaching the end of them you see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak and I accept it I accept that it feels okay and I'm not terribly upset about it I'm accepting of it all which is what I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to do like like my possessions I love my possessions and the thought of not being able to have them anymore like I thought that would like kill me but you need to accept it and let it go they're just objects deep down but they all have history too and they all have stories but you need to let them go anyways it's just crazy nine days nine more days just put yourself in my shoes if you had nine days to live what would you do like would you like visit as much family as you possibly could which I personally have not but part of me has been like yeah let me like see if I can do something with my mom today because I won't have too many chances to do that so I'm just gonna put myself in my shoes and I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna be and I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I just did that because I'm like I won't be able to do this to anymore times Could have been the last time for all I know so I made it count But honestly it's like I'd rather just be as far away as my family as I can right now And that's what's helped me go through all this is like no like I never see them really ever anyway So it makes it that much easier to deal with all this If I was on They shifted probably another story so I don't know but I'm at the point now. It's like I'm ready to let go of my family. I'm ready to let go of my parents My brother and all that you know my grandparents who I hardly ever see as it is I'm ready to let all of you go And The last people I need to let go are you guys Which is actually harder to let go than my own family believe it or not Because you've been the people I could talk to about the dark stuff and how I've been feeling and all my stress And I've been able to tell all of you about it directly or indirectly you never know for sure but You've always been there for me. Not that my family hasn't but The internet's always the way of getting away from your personal problems, that's what Pioneers Productions was It was my way of getting away from it all Isolating myself away from the world just locking myself completely away from everything It was my safe zone it was where I felt safe It's where I could just be myself and do whatever the hell I wanted without Having the weight of the world bearing down on me, you know so Letting go of all of you is gonna be really hard and I was much as I say I don't care about people I hate fucking people. I hate all these people in the world, you know, I still love my fan base That'll never change ever Even though I just know most of you is just texted on a screen, you know, I feel like I know all of you I feel a connection You're always there You guys have always been there people have come and gone, but people are always there And I've been thankful to be someone like that for other people like Nellie Simmons, I guess I've been someone who's been there, you know I've been there for her Rachel Hodge, she told me that last night's like, you know, you get it You're like one of the only people I can talk to you, you know, you understand how I feel and Vice versa like I understand how she feels. I know the world's a shitty place, you know And we just we both get it And we just want to live our life without a care in the world and not have people give us bullshit, you know And the depression side of it all and You know, we get it So, you know, that was nice of her telling me that last night I like when I change people's lives, I like when I help inspire people Or help motivate people to keep going, you know to keep living and to do what they're good at You know Part of me wants people to die, but If I can help inspire you to keep going and do what you do best then that That means the world to me it does No matter who we are on this planet for all people, you know Spiritually, yes, we're different, but on this planet for all people And we all got to deal with bullshit We all get depressed now and then some of us way more than others Like myself, it's all the time But, you know, I always tried to be there for people like when they needed me. I tried my best to be there Sometimes I went too far and wanted to get away from it all, but It's life. That's what happens So, yeah, I'm approaching Taco Bell here. So I'm gonna wrap this up And just thank you guys for watching this stuff if you do if you've had the courage to watch all this And listen to what I've had to say You know, just thank you for that So I know not everyone can get in this zone or fall down this dark hole and you know watch and listen to this stuff You know, not everyone can just do that I'll keep recording here and see if if it's the girl that knows my order. Why not? We'll never see the camera here anyway But After I order all end this so thank you guys for watching this. I always appreciate you watching no matter what I do You mean the world to me? You really do I got two people ahead of me right now. So I got some last I got some time to give in some last few thoughts here but you know Hopefully you're appreciative of me of you know documenting these final moments for you because not everyone would do that Not everybody can you know, some people when they're gonna kill themselves They just do it You know, they don't leave suicide notes or anything and they just And their life and they have nothing To show the build up for all of it, you know And when people see this will be like wow this guy had so much rage and everything and And he's like the suicide tapes you hardly ever see any of the rage. That's because It's Mostly it's all just like Inside you don't see it most of the time. I am a very angry person. Believe it or not. I am But I'm sad more than anything you know It's what depression does to you you have Anger and everything but you also have extreme sadness and that's most of what this is and Now knowing that I am going to be dead in a week. It's like I feel like excited, you know As the date draws closer I get more and more like frustrated that I'm not gone yet But at the same time I get happier and more excited So You've probably noticed that in these recordings like near the end. They've kind of gotten A little bit different. They're not quite like they were in the beginning. So Yeah Like I said, I'm a whole mixed bag of you know emotions. So That's how I am See if This is the woman that knows my order. I hope it is because then I'll just be able to show you I've got one more person in front of me here So We'll get an Andrew blaze special right on camera just for you Um I doubt you're probably not going to see on the camera as after I order I'll just end this because I don't want to record the whole process of this. It's boring nothing happens. So All I know is I'm fucking starving dude I am dying One thing about Taco Bell that never changes is they're slow as hell It's worth it, but they're slow as hell. I got I was in a Taco Bell drive-through for like 20 minutes one time Took that long And it wasn't filled front to back either It's crazy All right a couple more feet. I'm at the window The window the uh border box. Here we go Hi, good. Thanks You know it All right, thanks What did I tell you you probably couldn't even hear any of that because the the audio was so down I'm a drive-through speaker, but that was pretty funny So all right, I'm gonna end this Just thank you guys for always being there for me. I'll definitely record another video of me before I go but I'm I'm glad I was able to get myself on video like this You know, I went to the most drastic of measures even if it you know Like that's just driving and recording myself because I I didn't want to set up the camera in the house and record, you know It's a pain in the ass and plus the files are huge To upload Like the one video I uploaded with me with the Canon camera that was like four gigs humongous and it was like an hour long So these are a little more tolerable. They're still big file sizes, but I just I hope you appreciate that that I'm trying to take the time to Show myself for you, you know, instead of just being lazy and just recording audio, you know, because I very easily could have done that It's pretty much all I intended on doing but I uh I made myself do it so Because that's the thing. It's like you won't see me anymore. This will be like you won't see what I look like after this, you know It's You won't see me anymore So I want to get my final days on video so you know what I looked like, you know So, all right, I'm next in line to pay so I'm gonna end this now Thank you guys I'll see you. I won't say this too many more times, but I will see you in the next video Take care