What's up? Today is Friday, May 26th. Today sucked. I just did not have any energy to do anything. Hopefully you can hear me over the car. I don't know what this is going to sound like, but big fucking whoop. I went shooting about an hour ago. And it's crazy how bored I am of it now. At first it was amazing how I was shooting stuff and blowing stuff up and everything. Now it's like I'm desensitized to it all. I'm bored of it all. I'm ready to take it up to the next level in two weeks I will. But, fuck it. Get out of here. Yeah. It's just crazy how bored I am of it. And I have enough ammunition if I wanted to wait until the night of. I have enough ammunition to wait. I'm going to be talking about some more slugs for the hell of it. Not that I'm going to really be using them anyways that night. It's going to be a whole buck shot. Slugs, I'm a lousy shot with slugs. And the main thing is you have less room for error with slugs. It's one solid bullet that's going to fly out of the gun. With a buck shot, depends which kind you get. But the one I have is a double-o buck shot which has like, there's nine pellets in it. So you have nine penetration holes. So you have a better chance of hitting something with that. As opposed to just one. So, yeah, it's going to be all buck shot that night. Except for maybe if I'm shooting at like the propane or something. Which I actually, I looked at my shed. We have two big propane canisters in there. If I wanted I could take it that night. Just go out back and get it. No one would see it. So that's always a possibility. They're not completely filled, but either way. So, no, no, just driving around. It's what I do. What I want to think. I always drive. Sometimes I don't even have music on. I just drive. Clear my head. It wasn't handy. It's just, it's so crazy to think. 12 more nights. That's it. I'm dead. 12 nights to live. What do you do with the last 12 days of your life? What do you do? I don't know. It was to the point today where I didn't even touch the massacre video at all. I didn't do anything. My body physically did not want to do anything today. And it blowed. I just sat on my computer desk and I almost fell asleep. After sleeping for 10 hours, I almost fell asleep. And I did. I took an hour nap. It's unreal how weak my body is right now. I can't do it anymore. I can't. On a full-time job on top of it, I just, I can't do this anymore. It's awful. I never get any sleep. And even if I do, I still feel like shit. Except for 10 hours. Then tacked on another hour after that. I still feel like shit. So I'm at the point now where it's like, I don't give a fuck. If there's holes in the video, or if there's just like, animatic shots in there in place of what was gonna be a shot, what the fuck ever. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I'm done. My body is giving up. That's it. It's over. I need to take careers over. My life's over. It's all over. Everything. Now it's just the waiting game. I'm just on borrowed time. That's it. If I really wanted to, I can go in tonight and pop Brian off if I wanted, but it's just him and Terry there. There's no point. I'm gonna get the other two. It's gotta be Wednesday. That's the latest. Plus I don't have Laura's lines yet for the opening anyway, so. I think what I'm just gonna do is over the next week, just keep digging through stuff and see what I can find and upload what I can to the media fire page and, you know, animate when I feel like it, which is gonna be never. I just, I don't feel like doing it anymore. The mental strain from it all. Can't even explain it. It's really hard to explain. It's crazy because you're not physically doing anything like exercising wise, except like your head. You're just thinking, but even then it's like, I'm just mentally fucking physically exhausted today. I just look at the video and it's like, I don't feel like doing this anymore. It sucks. It really sucks. It sucks ass. That's what I like to do. If it was like on film, that'd be another story. That'd be easy. Animation, totaled ballgame. You know, messes with your head. Really does. Animation drives you crazy. Seriously does. Except the subtlest thing is off. It throws the whole shot out of whack. You know? It's a game of patience. Yeah, there's skill involved, but I made stuff that it's like, wow, that actually looks really nice and it doesn't look like there's like any effort at all put into it, but at the same time it looks like it was like a lot of effort put into it. I don't even know if that makes sense. I mean, I'm happy with it. I'm satisfied with it for the most part. It could always be better, but the perfectionist in me is just, it's dying for you two. I just, I don't fucking care anymore. It doesn't have to be a whole steak. I'll forget when someone told me that. You don't need to give us a whole steak every time. This was meant to be a smorgasbord. This was meant to be amazing, and I had to do everything, which fucking animators can kiss my ass for that. And Laura was nice enough to offer to look around, see if she can find people who do commissions for it and her groups and stuff to animate it and like save your breath because I used the money I had for it. I used all the money on ammunition. I could still afford to do it, but the way it is now, this late in the game, I can't rely on people to get that done within 10 days, you know, with that short of a notice, that's not going to happen. There's no way. Because that was the whole point, was to do this back in fucking January, February, March, to get it all out of the way, get everyone on board with what I'm doing. And, you know, you have all that time to work on it and adjust everything as needed. Now it's like, well, I'd have 10 days. That's not happening. There's no way. And for all I know, it could look like total shit. You never know. So, I'm not even bothering. I have enough to do as it is. I'm not even bothering. The animators can fucking screw themselves. I don't know, dude. I'm just done. I'm done. What else do you want me to say? What else do you want me to say? Every day just gets harder. Every day just more and more thoughts race through my head. Like, not bad thoughts or anything. Like, it's like my mind is like a never-ending train trekking down a fucking track of endless, like, madness. And it never stops. It's just gotten worse every year. Song lyrics never stop playing in my head. People singing in my head. Me thinking about quotes from movies or TV shows and thinking about this and saying, I don't fucking care a million fucking times in my head. I don't care. Nobody cares. I don't fucking care. I don't care. It never fucking stops. And it goes on forever. Especially when I'm trying to fall asleep too. That sucks ass. It really sucks ass. Ugh. You have no idea. It's as if I have ADD, but I don't. I was never diagnosed with ADD. My brother kind of has like, batter OCD. I have a little OCD, which, who doesn't, everybody does. But this is just a never-ending nightmare. And time has gone so slow. It's not even funny. Except when I'm home. When I'm at work, it drags like a motherfucker. When I'm at home, oh look, it's noon already. I'm not gonna eat for dinner. Oh, by the time I get that and come back, I'm not gonna wanna do anything else. Well, then I won't be working on the video either. Fuck. It's 12 o'clock now. It's literally noon right now. I just looked at the clock. That's pretty funny. I was wanting to post on social media about the shotguns and everything, and I can't. I could, but it's not smart. The biggest problem I'm facing right now is that night itself, and not the fact of what I'm about to do, but the fact of the video itself is making me nervous, because God has forbid that video gets flagged or reported, you know? I have no way of appealing it or reversing that, you know? That's... You're screwed. There's nothing I can do, because I'll be dead. So it's like I've been trying to plan what I'm gonna release it, because I wanna do it in the general ballpark area of when I'm gonna do it, you know? But not like anything would happen within like a few hours anyways, but... You know... It's a morbid video. And... It just has me uneasy about posting it too early. It's like, I thought I could have posted it at like 3 o'clock in the afternoon by the time I got up, but I don't know if it got reported or not, but I wanted to go up at around 9, which is when I get up, so I wanna schedule release it. It's gonna be a huge fucking file too, so the other thing is, I'm up against the clock as it is, but the other thing is, this is gonna be like a 2 gigabyte file when I upload it to YouTube. It's gonna be a half hour long video, pretty much, because I got all this stuff to cram into it. At least that's what it's looking like anyways. The timeline's all broken up into sections, but I'm pretty sure it's gonna be like a 25 minute video. And... That's 1080p. It's huge. It's humongous. So... I could always just do 720, doesn't fucking matter in the end. You'll have the digital file anyway. But... Yeah, it just has me uneasy, because if that gets reported, then... You're screwed. You know? That's just the biggest problem right now. Fortunately, I don't think... I don't think Victoria watches that channel. Fortunately, I told her about it. I showed her... The first ETS video, the Finding a Purpose video. I think I sent it to her on Facebook last year, but... I don't have her on Facebook anymore, and I doubt she has a YouTube channel and subscribed to it, so... She'll be working anyway, she shouldn't see that. So, unless she watches it on break, but... Like, yeah, crazy, huh? And then you're gonna be dead in a couple hours. So yeah, it's just... There's just so much shit that's gonna go down in those final six hours. It's gonna be insane. Again, my ass can't keep writing those emails, because I don't have enough written yet. Damien's written. Laura Favrety's. James. That was it. Oh, Andrew Blank. That was the other one. It shows you how much I remember him. Worthless fucker. Goddamn fucking cunt-ass bitch. Probably wondering, where am I driving to? Anywhere. Just driving anywhere. It's kind of funny, you can't see under my chin for once. Sorry. This is the only good place to put it, so I don't have to hold it. And see, I put it long ways this time. You happy? Better be. So I hate that shit too, when people vlog like this with it, like, straight up. You don't think about that. Until after the fact, it's like, oh fuck, I can hold the phone right. So, fuck. Sorry. I need to do that. Yeah, this is honestly what I do. Honestly, honestly what I do. This is honestly what I do. I just drive around and clear my head. And it helps, it always does. Sometimes I can drive for hours, like two hours. What's happening? Just drive around my neighborhood. It's a suburban area, you know. You got all these back roads and areas to go, so I usually just drive around the fucking county, anywhere I want. Also, I'm just thinking like, hey, this could be the last time I'm going to be going down here, you know? So, I'm so ready. Been ready for so long. I'm 99% of the way there. I just need to get everything in order now, because this is it. This is the final home stretch, you know. I have to have everything prepared, everything ready. Everything I need to stay out of the way. I also want to record a video for my parents too. Which that has to be when nobody's home, which hasn't been happening a lot lately. Saw it yesterday, yesterday's recording, my mom got home, which was bullshit. It always pisses me off, like when I get home from work in the morning, if it's like 7.30, and there's fucking people home, it's like fuck, I like being by myself. It's like 5 out of the 7 days a week, it's like there's somebody home. Doesn't help because my mom's like part-time now with her full-time job. She has her own side business, which has been taken over everything. Literally, it's been taken over the fucking basement, but I'm never down there anyways, but bottom line is there's always somebody home now, and it sucks. Because I want to be by myself so I can record stuff. This is it. If I really had, so I could just take the camera out and film in the car here if I wanted. Doesn't matter, but I don't like the sound in the car. I just took a shower by the way. No, it wasn't a shower, it was in the hot tub, Andrew, you're stupid! Yeah, I went shooting and then I was just soaked. It rained like the last two days and the field up there was just drenched. Fucking feet, it literally seemed like I was just walking in puddles of water in my feet, in my shoes. For the first time ever I went up there, there was some fucker there, like plowing the fields over there or something, planning stuff, I don't know, some kind of 60 year old. I doubt he'd recognize me if he saw me on the news two weeks from now. Oh, that was the kid that had to get around me to ask if he can go shoot. I thought he'd recognize me if he saw me on the news two weeks from now. Oh, that was the kid that had to get around me to ask if he can go shoot. Yeah, it's like this little tiny trail you gotta come up through from the road and it's like 100 some yards from the road and it's just like this little narrow path and his car was blocking my way and you see a car come up through the side of the road like that through the woods. Who the hell could that be? It wasn't who I thought it was gonna be because there's this guy Jason that plants the field up there and takes care of it and everything and grows corn and stuff and it was some other guy. I didn't recognize him but didn't ask any questions just let me go around so thanks. One good thing is my hand doesn't hurt anymore from shooting that shotgun. I don't know why, so I've been holding it better but my god, it's those first few times right in the middle of my hand right here just fucking hurt like a motherfucker from the kick. So that's a good sign because I fired 100 rounds at least. Fire 100 rounds every time I go up there, 100 or more. It's a lot. But I have six, I have six, I think there's 25 in a box. It's about a 250 round case so I've been buying for the buck shot. It's 250 rounds in this big box and I have six boxes left. So that's like 100 and 200 shots left. Not even counting what's in the bag. So I have like two of them in the bag. I have like 250, pretty much 250 rounds left which is plenty. I'm not gonna need that many when I go in there. The way I see it is in the supermarket I'll probably end up firing off like 30. That's about it. I can't see it being too much more than that. 30 to 50, anywhere in that ballpark area. Hold on, going up. And I have like 10 slugs left and I just bought like 20 more. So the way I see it is I might just go out practicing one more time and that's it. It's also just because I've already got a money, like just over $2,000 left to my name. So I've got $70 to load up all this stuff to shoot at. $70 is worth of targets. This is stuff that's on sale too. Ridiculous, it just adds up. So trying to think of what I'll do with what money I have left with. I want to give some to Laura just to help her future maybe. She'll probably have a hard time accepting. Why'd you give me like $200? But yeah, that's what I'm just thinking I might do. Damien, I don't know. Damien would give me his PayPal. I'd be like, why didn't he my PayPal? Help you out because now you're not making any money. He made $2. He made $2 last week on his YouTube channel. And then I see in the one tweet, he's like, time to find another job. In my head, I'm like, you son of a bitch, YouTube's not a job. I'm gonna clock him for that. Yeah. Glad I never relied on YouTube to make a living because there's no way I'd survive. Just saying now with all the fucking changes they've done, I'm glad nothing ever took off for me. Because I know full well I pretty much would have went down to the bare minimum of what you can call a part-time job at the store. But, you know, that never would have happened. So, 12 days. 12 more days. Just to let everybody I've met in my life. The fact that I haven't seen anybody in years, like in person, like that I went to school with, James, I haven't seen him in person since we did that Christmas video. The end of 2013 was the last time I physically saw him in person. 3 and a half years ago. Almost. Chris, Henry, Billy, Tim. These people I was good friends with in high school, not seen since. When I got out of high school, I only saw like maybe two people. With that, I haven't seen anybody. Great, I'd never really go anywhere, but the places I've been, I've never seen anybody. I've never at the store where I live. Not the one I work at, but the local one. I've never seen anybody there. It's weird. I know they didn't move away. I don't care less anyways, I'd never say anything to them, unless they said hi to me, which I didn't know if anyone would recognize me. Even though I look exactly the same. Maybe just a couple years older, but that's it. June 3rd will be six years I've been out of high school. Damn. That went fast. Six years out of high school and it'll be three years out of college. 2014. 2014 was like one of the most frustrating years of my life. I'd say 2013 was more frustrating, but it's almost debatable because of other fucking stupid growing up shit you gotta deal with finding jobs. 2014 was the worst in terms of that. In terms of dealing with people, 2014 was the worst. In terms of my favorite years of my life, 2014 was my favorite. It's always gonna be my favorite. I made my best videos then too. They were on film anyway. When EGS stuff, there's only so much I can do for cartoons. You can't crank stuff out. The tape videos are amazing and all that, but it's just audio for the most part. There's no animation in it. But I consider the EGS stuff my best scripted work. No matter what, it doesn't matter what the visuals look like. That's still my best work. It's my best written work. It's everything. It's my best work. But 2014 was my favorite year. I don't know what would come in second. I'd say... One of the earlier years I was on YouTube, but it's hard to pick. It's gonna say 2012 because of the Furby video, but that was like the only thing we did. We... that I did. There's nothing else that was really huge. That was when I was doing sucks videos. 2013 was just a big speed bump. 2015 was nothing. It was just a lost year. So I focused all my time with the animation. 2008, I don't remember really anything from. It was all the improvised Fred type of videos and Smosh types of videos. 2009 was a step up. That's when I started doing the make me bad type of stuff. 2010 was the alligator horse head video which sucked. 2013... 2014 is my favorite. One second. What did I do in 2011? 2011 I did the chat roulette video. Chat roulette? Probably a horse head video. Maybe. I don't know what time I'm remembering guys. There's my brother. What did I do in 2011? I didn't really do anything over the summer because I was going to do the alligator horse head 2 video. Damien's dad died. Step dad. So I didn't really do much during that span. In the end I did horse head lives. The whale Christmas video. The remake. The first fraud video. I don't know. I don't know. It was 2013. It was a very dull year. That was when the comedy started to die. 2013 I did a sucks video or two. The I Have a Problem video at the very start. The draw of my life. Mindful of silliness if my mind could be heard. Or if my thoughts could be heard. They're very basic videos. The radio video. If there's a malunitec or whatever. And then my hard drive died at the end of the year when I was doing the figure in black series. So yeah. I don't know what my second favorite year is guys. I really don't know. I'm thinking for like two or three minutes I actually don't even know. Ah. This is killing me. 2016 half of it was nothing. Because I was finishing up everything. In terms of animation and the intro and all that. I might say 2009. 2009 might be my favorite. Besides 2014. 2009 I cranked stuff out. That's all I know. I did a video like every other week. Always filming stuff. Because that's when my parents would. And my brother. They'd go out to their bowling league. Or my brother would go and watch all the time. Every Wednesday night. And that's when I would film stuff or I would cross dress. That's always what I did. Surprised I never actually cross dressed for a video. Actually I think I might have. For one. If I was on a date. But I never finished filming it. Or I scrapped it after I filmed it all. Yeah. That's always what I would do. Every Wednesday night. I'd film. That was my slot. I'd have like 3 and a half hours to do whatever. Started at 6. And they'd be done by 9.30. That was a good slot. Plus I was awake anyways. It's not early in the morning. And once I got a job. That threw a fork in everything. But. I guess. 2009 is probably my second favorite year. And then 2008. Just because that was the start of everything. You know. I also. Cranked stuff out that year. 2008. I didn't do anything until mid-year. Because there was no Pioneers Productions at the very beginning of 2008. It was June. 20. 20. June 2008. So whenever they started. And it was like every week. That first week I was on YouTube with Pioneers Productions. I think I made like 3 videos. They're all improvised of course. But you know. But. 2008 was. Awesome. The only shitty thing is I didn't save any of those videos. And we have. And we have one video. No I have two. I have two videos. Yeah. From 2008 I only have two videos. But there's no sound on them. It's like audio swatting. Because I copyrighted music. And it was sucked. And I didn't download them. Nighty saved them. Which I gotta thank the living hell out of them for. He saved a lot of videos that got deleted. But. That's before I knew you could buy. External hard drives to put your stuff on. If anything I should have just privatized them. But if it had music in there I didn't own. I don't think you were safe if you even had them on private. But yeah. Things happen for a reason. You know. But. They're so fun. So many great years. Each year just got a little bit. Shittier. It was a very slow cycle. 2008 was fine. 2009. Was when I started to realize how. Important it is to study for tests in high school. Because I was failing a lot of stuff. Especially in 2010. 2010 was really bad. But. Yeah. 2008 was the end of ninth grade. James always busted me on that. Because I always got the years wrong. About 2008 was my freshman year. But it wasn't. 2007. 2007. But. Yeah. 2009 and 2010 where I just. Started hating school and hated doing tests. And hated studying. And I just did not study. Enough. Even when I tried to study the living hell out of my stuff. I still failed. I kept getting the fear of failure. And had to get tutored. And it was a nightmare. Every time a big test came up I was like oh fuck. What if I fail? Which somehow I got through it all. Math. Math was the worst. I can't tell you how many times I failed math tests. Every time I lied saying I knew what I was doing. Like if anyone had questions I'd lie. I was like. I'd lie. But you never noticed in the videos. The videos I made during that time they were still. Really. Carefree. You know. It wasn't until 2012 where I finally made something that was somewhat depressing. That was the somber video. It's just called somber. Sombur. That was just a video where I just went and shot. Mainly just. You know. Sorry. This is the same spot my phone fell the last time. Sombur was just a video where I just went out and filmed whatever. I just filmed nature stuff. Filmed me walking around. You know. Just a serious video. I felt like shit. I was depressed. That's where the depression first started I guess. I mean it's been in my life pretty much. Pretty much since late middle school is when I started getting depressed but 12th grade. No. I was out of school. I was out of high school then. 2012 was my uh. That was the end of my freshman year of college. When that video was filmed. It's hard to remember certain things. I put on the spot like that. Yeah. That's when I was. I had like D's in season. Every one of my classes. In college. That was bad. I had so many classes too. Which sucked. My days were so fucking long. Plus I had to work on top of that. Like some days I'd be there from like 8 to 4. With like a 2 hour gap in the middle of the day. You know. Which sucked. But the days they felt like they never fucking ended. And fortunately I don't remember too much from those days. In school. But they sucked. Yeah. Then. 2013's when I just got hit hard with everything else in my personal life. And still tried to make funny videos. Which they all were. Except the draw my life. But. 2013 I still tried to hide it. And I don't want to show that I was really upset yet. But. Was. A dull year. For content. And then 2014 everything exploded. Without me even realizing it was about to. And then I got hit. And then I got hit. Without realizing it was about to. Think of all that I did. Even though I only made a 4. Almost technically 5. But I made 4 videos that year in 2014. I made Amnesia Rape, Search for a Member. Extinction. Resurrection. An absolution was being filmed in December. But it was released in January. But it's technically 5. And then I did the Pioneer's Productions anthology. In 2014 as well. So I did a lot. And that was a huge year for me. And that catapulted me to where I am now. 2014 was the best year of my life in a way. But at the same time it was the most frustrating. Besides. I'd say 2016. 2016 was pretty much as frustrating as this year has been. And in 2013. But every year I just get more and more. More and more aggravated. More and more. Livid. And more and more. Stressed. But in terms of like the worst years of my life. I'd say 2013's at the top. And then. 2016 and to now. 2016 is when all the hatred came back. 2014's just 50-50. It was half good. It was half terrible. But being so many good things happened out of 2014. I can't say it was a bad year of my life. I'd say it was one of the best. It was one of the best learning experiences. But 2014 was just when I had all the pressure of finding a full-time job. I didn't want to. I didn't want to get a full-time job. I had to. I had to. Because I needed a job that had benefits and all that shit. I needed more money so I could pay my bills. Like my phone bill and all that. My car insurance. And. I just BSed my way through it. I applied to like. I'd say 20-some places. And then I got like maybe 5 phone calls. But I just got a call. I got a call. I got like maybe 5 phone calls. But I ignored all of them. I never told my parents that. Which I doubt they'll watch all of these anyways. But. If you're watching now. Hey. Now you know. Yeah. They're all like warehouse jobs. Which I didn't want to do. And. I got the hospital job. Which I guess I'll talk about the hospital job for the rest of this recording. Give me a second. The hospital job. Seemed like. Seemed like it was just like something that was going to be good. I guess seemed like a job that I was going to be able to do without like any stress. That's what the guy told me. He's like you know. It's not a stressful job. And it was a second shift job. 4pm to 1230 in the morning. And. I had to prepare like for a month for that. I had to you know. Have orientation. Which was a whole days worth of shit. For like. The hospital in general. Because you need to know all this shit. And what everything means. And. What to do in certain situations. So it was like a whole day of school in a hospital. Which sucked. It was 8 in the morning until like 430. And. It was a whole shift. You just sat in a fucking room. It sucked ass. Seemed like it never ended. But. I went through all that. I got fucking shots. I got fucking shots. Blood drawn. The whole shit bang. You know. Drug tested. Sucked. I had to get fingerprinted. That was fun. With this finger. Yeah. I had to get fingerprinted for some reason. I guess for records. Criminal records. I don't know. But yeah. I went through all this for a month. But so ecstatic. I was quitting my job at the store. You know. I didn't even say goodbye to anybody. I fucking. Just. I don't know the term of it. I just. I flew out of that store that day. And I saw Jeff. Who's the main manager there. You know. He was outside. Adjusting the carts or something. I just blew by with comeback song blasting. Like through my speakers. I'm like full blast. I just drove away. I'm like I never going back there again. I just drove away. I just drove away. I just drove away. I just drove away. I just drove away. I just drove away. I was like I never going back there again. Well. Little did I know I'd be there for another couple years. Because in September was. We went away I think. We went away to the Cowboys Saints game. Which was a Sunday night football game. And that was before I had the surgeries done. So my finger was like. It was agony. I couldn't bend it all the way. I can get like to hear. And I wouldn't bend anymore. I would just have to bend my finger or something. Like right at the base of the tip of my finger. And I guess it was like the tendon that snapped in half. You know like rolled up or something. I don't know. Hurt like hell. It was red. My finger was red and pink and all that. And. It was just it was agony. But I had to deal with that for months. Had to deal with that through August and September and October. But nonetheless. I started the hospital job. It was the first week of October. Because I remember I was filming Resurrection when I did it. Um. Yeah. Um. Trying to pay attention to where I'm going. Because I got cars in front of me now. Trying not to hit anybody. Um. So yeah. I got the job. After the interview and all that. And you know. Did all the preparing for it. The orientation. All that shit I just talked about. Started the first week of October. I only worked there for one night. And that was it. The guys there. Seemed very laid back. You know. How people are in the city. But. The guy that trained me was very. He's. He wasn't bad. Wasn't bad at all. Seemed pretty cool. You know. I don't like working. You know. I'm pretty lazy. But. This is where this goes. This is probably for that. You know. We separate everything here. Load it all up. Okay. This is for. The operating room. And. Didn't seem bad. But the whole time I'm there. I'm thinking. This isn't me. This really isn't me. And. I was very quiet throughout the entire. Shift. Like you know you don't say very much. Very quiet. Like yeah. I know. This is how I am. Or whatever. But just like he's telling me all this stuff. Like you know. And I had to get. You know. Lock codes and all this for doors. Because. The storage areas where all the product is going. That's coming in off the truck is in all these like. Supply closets and you need like. Fucking code for all of them and. Some of them have different codes and all this and. There was a weird kind of locker. Of course like these little pegs in the. In the door. In a certain order and it would open. But. It just it blew my mind like how many places there was. For stock to go. And I'm like there's no fucking way I'm going to get. All this in my. Like down in my head. There's no way. There's no way. It just it blew my mind. The place was huge. It's. If anyone is curious where it was it's Wilkesbury General Hospital. Which is like a fucking. 20 foot or 20 foot. There's like a 20 floor hospital. And. When you break stuff down off the truck. You separate it into sections. I guess like they have like numbers. There was like these numbers written in chalk on the floor. And I guess on the product they would say like six or seven or four. And that's where you would separate it. And like the cart you put it on was like. Five feet wide. And like eight to ten feet long. And you load it up on the loading dock in the basement. And you got to go up. And then come all the way back down. And load it up and repeat. Fortunately there wasn't a lot that came in that night. But the shitty thing was there was nothing to do. So for literally like two and a half hours or so. We just sat around on our phones. And the World Series was on. We were watching that. Just in the break room there. And you know just talking about whatever. And I'm just. I'm like I don't want to fucking be here anymore. I almost just got up and left. Because I wanted to. But. I just wanted to rough through it. You know it's a paycheck. Because I wasn't going to have any other money coming in. But. Just sitting there and I'm like. I just. This isn't me. I'm wearing a scrubbed uniform. And it felt like I was wearing like a prison outfit. Just that thin cloth. It was blue. It was light. It was like powder blue scrubs. And it felt like I wasn't like wearing anything. Sucked. I hated wearing that. But. I just everything I had to wear. It's like this isn't who I am at all. I can't do this every day. And. It's just. It was nothing against the people that worked there or anything. But it just. It wasn't me. And then. I also had to take like an. I had to be in charge of like the supply area where all the stuff is like. For other departments and people would phone down and say we need this up in this room. Or we need this up in the maternity ward. Or we need this here and. It just sucked. I didn't want to do it. I think that the job position was called a materials manager. So yeah. The writing was right there on the wall for that. But. It just it wasn't me. It was like the longest fucking eight hours of my life. And I was late. I was like fucking like seven minutes late when I punched it. But. Yeah. It's just the place was enormous. So many twists and turns to get to one area to put stuff in like. You go down a long hallway. Go through a pair of double doors that you open with a button. Go down. Around a dog leg hallway. Down here through another pair of double doors and. Into a whole other section of the place through here through a door. And it's like how the fuck do you remember all this shit. And. The stuff could be for anywhere. I'm trying to think of like the stuff we got. It was like. I don't know what do you have in a hospital that like for back stock. Like. I don't know like masks to put over your mouth or. I don't even remember everything we had. It's a blur to me now. But. All this stuff like it could be like for just like one of the supply closets. And if you get to one and it's full it's like great I can't put it here. But. It's just it sucked. It wasn't me at all and it sucked because the biggest mistake I made. The biggest mistake I made was talking about it on social media. Saying I got a full time job. I'm so fucking happy it's going to be cool. I'll give you a hint. Try to guess where it is. You get to meet a lot of interesting people. That was like what I said. Like it's a hospital. So. Of course people knew about it. The little bubble knew about it. You know. If anyone knows what the bubble is. Sammy Haley. TJ James. Dave. That group of people. Muscle Ryan. He's even real for all I know. Still swear it's James or. I'm mad too or someone but. Either way. Everyone knew about it. And then I just went off saying I quit because. It wasn't me. It wasn't the job for me. And. It was. It was a bad decision because I had no money coming in. And I made a post saying you know I just screwed myself. And. I have no money coming in. I don't know what I'm going to do. And. I put off telling my parents as long as I possibly could. I just. I just. I just. I just. I just. I just told my parents as long as I possibly could. I just emailed the fucking guy that hired me saying you know the job is not for me. Thanks for the opportunity what not. But never got a response back. But. Fortunately. But. Yeah. It's supposed to be working that day. You know. It was like quarter to four my dad's like shouldn't be. I shouldn't be getting ready for work and I'm like oh I'm off tonight. Oh. Okay. Cause I didn't tell them when I was working. But yeah. My mom got home and I'm like, alright, I might as well just tell her. So, went into the kitchen, told her, pretty much whispered it all, because my dad was in the living room and I knew he would fucking kill me for it. So I told her, and you know, like the job's not for me, it was terrible. I hate working with the people there, it's just not me. I just, I quit. So I quit, I said. And you know, she was devastated. She's like, great. You know, like tears in her eyes and everything. She's like, well, we have to tell your father. I'm like, no. And we were just like talking for like 10 minutes. I'm like, I can't fucking tell him. He's gonna kill me. And deep down, it's like, well, I need to get it out of the way, but I did not want to tell my dad, because I hate my dad. I hate when he's pissed at me over shit, because I can never look at him. I can never look at him when he's pissed. His pretend he's not even there. Eventually brought him in, and I stood there for like a minute, just trying to, not necessarily gather the courage to say it, but just like, just knowing like, this is the last time, this is the last time he's not gonna be pissed at me for a while, you know? And I eventually said it, he's like, well, that's just wonderful. So what's your plan? You know, I'm like, I don't have one. Well, that's just fantastic. I started yelling at me and shit like he would, you know? And I'm like, whatever. I just got out of there. Good, it's out of the way. But, and I knew, great, I'm back to square one. No job, no money coming in. And that was when I was like, legit starting to think about suicide, because I just, I don't want to go through life anymore. I'm just tired of the pressure of finding jobs, eventually having to move out. I never did move out, never moved out of the house. But it was during that week when I filmed the first scene for Resurrection, when I was looking for the frog and whale in the closet, in the box and everything, and that was all right after I quit the job and all that. The original footage was from that next day after I quit that morning, but that's not the footage that I ended up getting used, at least I don't think any of it did. I had to reshoot it. I had to reshoot everything in Resurrection, except for like one sequence, but... Yeah, it was a shitty period. That was the worst of 2014. The rest was okay, because somehow I got the job back at the supermarket. I forget if my dad or my mom asked one of the managers there if I was still in the system, and I was, which that ended up being the death of everybody. But I was still in the system, I wasn't terminated yet, and I got the job back, which was part time, but it was money. So, you know, it was like, it was a shitty period of my life. That's where everything just got scary, because like, I couldn't go anywhere without having it brought up. I couldn't go out just out to dinner with my dad anymore, by myself with him. We just went out for dinner one night, and it never fucking left my memory. It got burned into my retinas for a while, so I just kept seeing it in my head. Went out to eat, and went into the job talk, and I wanted to kill him. It was like, there's people sitting around us at a fucking bar. We're sitting at the bar, and there's people on the right of me, and people on the left of me, talking about my job, and you know, you haven't done anything yet. Start looking for jobs, you better fucking have something by October or whatever. Right around, everyone's fucking sitting around us. I didn't even want to finish eating my dinner after that. And of course, the whole drive home was very fucking quiet. What comes on the radio, Queen comes on the radio. I want to change it, but I won't. There's somebody to love. So I was one high of the evening, but oh my God, I didn't want to fucking talk to him again after that. That was horrible. I just, I couldn't believe he did that to me. That was it. That was the last straw I had with him. After that, I don't want anything to deal with him anymore. Fucking asshole. What fucking difference does it make either? It's like, I still had a part-time job, I was still making money. You made it out to be like I wasn't doing anything. This is my fucking ass. That was a horrible night. I don't know when that was. That was before I took the hospital job. That might have been in like July or something. It's also around the time where I got, almost got written up for kissing off a customer, but I'm not going to get into that because I don't want that to go down an infamy. I might have talked about it before, but it was just, it was just bullshit. I don't want to remember that one. But, yeah, it was just, everything was just crushing me. I had nowhere to go. My YouTube channel wasn't doing anything either. So that's when I was starting to make like my final preparations to die at that time. Because the anthology was meant to be it, pretty much. But that's when I was doing extinction. And it's like, okay, I still can do a few more videos. So I intended 2015 to be the end of it all. I thought I'd be dead by the end of 2015. I said I kept envisioning going up to my grandparents' house when they weren't home and getting one of their guns. And EGS happened. Changed everything. But, so yeah, I got the job back at the store. And that's when I found like a loophole through it all. Because I had to get surgery on my hand. They told me I needed surgery. And I was going to wait. Because I had the full-time job at the time. I had the hospital job. So you had to wait like 90 days before you could take like a leave. And I was going to do it in January. And it's like, great, now I can do it sooner. So I went back to work for like two and a half weeks. And then had the hand surgery. Which everyone knows what happened after that. So couldn't move my fingers for like a month. And that's when I just started working on animation. So, I guess I'll wrap this up soon. I'm going to go get some dinner before I go to bed. It's about eight miles back that way. I've just been going the same route the entire time I've been talking to you guys. That's what it is. I don't want to go in the interstate and talk. I've got to pay more attention. So, yeah, I didn't intend on talking about all that for that long. But yeah, that's fine. It's almost been an hour. Fuck you. Going over a one lane bridge here. There's a car coming. There's never been a car coming except this one time. That's fucking funny. But yeah, after that, I had the surgery. I missed like four months of work or five or whatever. Yeah, November, December, January, February. Pretty much March. So I missed five months of work. Then I needed a second surgery. And then after I came back, after the second surgery was when I had the blessing in disguise. Sorry, there's always this spot where the camera will fall. Going uphill. But yeah, it was after, I'd say it was, uh, there's one, two, three. It was about three and a half months after I got back after the second surgery. So late July, that was when Jeff asked me if I wanted the night shift job, which I thought like there's no fucking way I'm going to be able to alter my life like that. It's turning everything upside down. And I pondered it because the whole night shift pretty much quit. They had nobody. It was just Brian and this other guy there, though, his name was Bill, who was like fucking 40. But it was just the two of them. They had nobody. The guy that trained me actually went to night shift that that's who quit. I was one of the guys who quit, but he trained me my first year there. It's funny back in 2010. But yeah, he quit. The other guy quit. They had nobody there. And Jeff asked me if I wanted it. I pondered it for like two days and then I'm like, well, it's virtually like, it's virtually the same job, just a little bit more responsibility and it's full time. So I took it. And it's one of the best decisions I ever made. It's a great decision. And, um, yeah, I don't remember much about that first few months transitioning and all that, but it's crazy to think that I'm full time night shift. I adjusted to that. I think I would be able to. But so things happened for a reason. Fortunately, I took the surgery when I did because that might have been a different outcome. So that's always, you can't hold on to what ifs, but that's a big what if. What if I stayed at the hospital? Well, what have happened? I don't know. The thing was the supermarket's amazing because it's just a little 19 aisle store, tiny back room. You know, it's all right there. You know where everything is. Hospital fucking Lord, 20 floors. Almost if that. It's huge. But I just, I didn't like as much as I hated the supermarket. I didn't mind being there because I knew where everything was. I was comfortable there. You know, so I was there for like five years at the time. I was. It'll be seven in a couple of days. But I just hate change. I don't like changing things that I'm really comfortable with. So it all worked out. You just never know something like that can happen. I didn't expect to still be there after seven years. I wanted to quit after the first year. Yeah, 12 more days and that place will never be the same again. It's insane. So I'm going to end this. It's an hour long recording. I don't know how big of a file size this is going to be. But you probably wouldn't mind a little bit of quality terrain. All right. Yes. Yes, again. Fuck. This is it. All right. Hopefully the sound wasn't too bad. I'll have to see what this sounds like afterwards. But that's it. I'll be seeing you in too many more videos after this one. Shooting videos were the most videos I shot lately of anything. Even that, I don't think I'm going to go up there too many more times. Maybe one or two more times. That's it. All right. Can only see me getting on video like one more time after this. That's crazy to think about. That's setting in. Sad this camera's been my wife. It's not going to be like that anymore. All right. We'll see you humans later. Stay safe.