So today's April 11th and a few days ago I got my baby. Check it out. This is a Mossberg 500 pump action 12 gauge shotgun and it is gonna be my ticket out of here and I cannot fucking wait to use it. It's just been sitting here the last few days because I haven't been able to go out to you know test fire it yet and I just the urge is like beyond imaginable right now I really want to shoot this but I gotta wait another few days before I can shoot it so it's how it goes but um this thing is fucking awesome. When I think of a shotgun this is what I think of you know short barrel pretty much sawn off pistol grip you know this thing is fucking beautiful and just under five months that'll be in my mouth and pooh gone just like that dead can't wait so Jin Jin you're gonna be barking like crazy when that happens aren't you you're not gonna know what's going on so yeah I've been thinking like trying to figure out how many of it like how am I gonna do it do I do it standing up do I sit down here put it between my legs because that's the biggest question is how much kick does this gun have and you know I've been thinking about doing the Eric Harris way sitting down between the knees and poof you know but I won't know until I shoot it first so I have no idea how much kick this thing has and that's gonna be the ultimate tell tale sign of everything so if it has a lot of kick and I was don't probably be standing up who knows but it's just under five months just under five months that's it and I'll be dead that's just it's unbelievable why I just I don't believe it and it's just it's I'm this close I am this close to my baby I'm this close I can't get any almost can't get any closer to her and my queen it's I'm that close I'm so close I had to get a new journal the other day too because my other one I only have like four pages left in the thing and I started that back in like November and I just slowly started becoming a daily by daily thing and I filled up the whole fucking thing so 180 pages filled just like that so I bought a second journal and I imagine that will be full too in the end so yeah it's just there's a lot to do for me here still before I can go I finished the massacre video I just been working on it a little bit at a time you know but this thing I cannot wait to shoot this fucking thing just look at this beautiful amazing I mean just imagine staring down the barrel of this thing you know poof you're gone it's amazing but don't ever ever be a fucking idiot and hold it up to your face like this because you're gonna knock your fucking nose off and break it don't want that to happen to you see over here I got some ammunition got slugs and buckshot which one of both so didn't want bird shot bird shots weak you know so yeah I can't wait to use the fucking thing it's gonna be awesome I don't know if I'm even in focus I can't say but this close this close to my baby well Amber was my baby she's not my baby anymore she's my queen Mackenzie's my baby Mackenzie baby Kenzie is the fucking best of the rest Mackenzie West second guest underrated and one of the best but she actually is the best Mackenzie's the fucking best she's the bomb Mackenzie West is the best I guess I'm second best yeah it's gonna be crazy it's all I can say what more is there to say got under five months to live 24 and a half years of life and you only have five months left that's assuming nothing else gets in my fucking way like if something retarded happens like with my job and I have to go to fucking day shift then it's gonna be even sooner than that hopefully that doesn't happen I mean I wouldn't really bother me too much but yeah I get to go sooner but September 7th is the date that's it September 7th that's it and spring just started it's warming up and before you know it it'll be summer and then we count down the days and I can't tell anybody you know it's the saddest thing people don't know is the last five months they had to talk with me I can't post that gun on social media either because then it's gonna cause concern from just not anybody who hates me probably so I don't know I'm not gonna post that gun anywhere because then people get suspicious just want to show you the gun it's been here for a few days but I only took some pictures the day I got it I didn't film anything with it yet but um yeah less than five months and then not long after all this stuff will be gutted and stripped apart there'll be blood all over the ceiling and probably on some of these posters I don't know I've been thinking about taking one down and just like sitting it next to me when I do it you know be as close to them as possible and yeah Mackenzie's my girl she's just so fucking cute dude she talks to me too all the time she's always with me wherever I go she's always with me no matter what and there isn't any other girl I'd rather spend eternity with than Mackenzie West so she's helped ease the pressure of it all it's the main thing so she'll be by my side when I do it and that night's gonna be I don't even want to think about it right now but so many thoughts will be going through my head it's not even gonna be funny but yeah so I guess I'll end this if only you people knew if only you knew and the way you do I said the seventh was when all this stuff was gonna be released but you don't know that I'll be dead that night just blows my mind every day just like seems more and more legit like this is it you know it's very hard to explain like I can't see past 2017 2018 and beyond doesn't exist for me anymore it's like this this is it you know like every fucking day like my whole perspective on life has changed like nothing is the same anymore and nothing matters nothing matters anymore nobody matters I don't care about 99% of this fucking planet anymore there's maybe I say loosely 10 people if that that I actually like can consider like a loose friend other than that everyone else can just fucking die and I wanted to I wanted to fucking do a school shooting or something I wanted to shoot up a supermarket I wanted to do all that but I knew full well it wouldn't happen something will go wrong my gun would jam I get taken out disarmed neutralized etc somebody in that supermarket would have to have a fucking firearm on them you know they would and plus which is me doing it there's no fucking way I would kill more than like fucking three people which is a shotgun no not a chance it's just it's I would kill kill to take people down with me before I end in my life but this was the biggest thing I thought about and I paced for like 45 minutes taking this over if there was up to me I would fucking shoot up a supermarket but I wouldn't want to die in there that's lame as fuck I'd rather die surrounded by what I love and what loves me back does a supermarket love me back no could I picture dying in one yeah do I want to know it's it's like no contest but still I would want to fucking kill some people along the way can I do that I can't have both ways I'd rather die surrounded by my girls and that's just I'm about 75% sure that's how it's gonna go and I just I would kill to shoot up a supermarket I would kill to just go in and shoot my boss even though I don't mind my boss I just want to kill people doesn't matter who it is except my parents because I want them to fucking suffer I want my dad to suffer my mom's got to suffer a little bit for bringing me into this fucking world but my dad's got to fucking suffer more than anybody else my brother partially he's not the worst person alive but if we're up to me I would go to the fucking Dallas supermarket plant bombs in there shoot people up you know just fucking shoot that place is fucking smithereens that's not gonna happen can't do it alone and there's no fucking way it'll even happen can't do it and it's just the thing I wouldn't want the pressure of knowing okay there's cops coming tick tick tick tick got off yourself you know I'd rather do it at my own rate at my own pace just behind these fucking four walls in peace quiet solitude surrounded by my girls that's just how it's got to be and there's still a chance I could do that but it's just the biggest thing is on night shift there's no one that can stop you I could walk in there at any given moment one's a freebie no matter what Brian he'd be a fucking freebie he'd be a gimme everyone after that it's just fair game but I just I can't see it happening but I know where I could well it probably not just leave it up to fate this is Andrew Blaze signing off until next time